Chapter Text
The scalding hot shower helps to calm her mind a bit and focus on what they need to do. The fact that Toto hadn’t even tried to get her out or temper the water is a testament to how much this has shaken him. Since Susie got pregnant, he’d been reading up on everything, it was adorable and worrying at the same time. Of course, she was happy that he was so invested in the pregnancy and their pup, but it didn’t purely come from a place of happiness. He was worried about not being enough, failing the pup before he had even come into the world. Toto compensated for his perceived inadequacies by being overprotective.
Scalding hot showers were a thing of the past, for him to not say anything, seeing Lewis like this hit hard. Not to mention all the implications going along with the revelation. They dress quietly, subconsciously listening for any sounds coming out of the room across, just to make sure Lewis was still there, that he hadn’t left. “Breakfast?” Toto’s voice is soft when he finally breaks the silence. She doesn’t really feel like it, especially after the stress of waking up with Lewis gone. He likely doesn’t either. Susie remembers the way he used to struggle to eat properly before races, before anything stressful. Once, he said that it felt like his stomach cramped, pulling together, making it impossible to eat.
It's gotten better over the years, managing it You cannot be a driver without properly fuelling your body, especially on race weekends. But during especially stressful situations he still reverts to that. “Yeah, good idea. I’ll check on Lewis.”
“Come in.” Lewis’s voice is subdued, Susie comes into the room tentatively to not spook him any further. He’s showered, dark curls still damp, wearing the same clothes that she found him in, sitting on the bed in the remains of the nest that they’d destroyed in the panic of finding him missing. “You feeling better?” Susie doesn’t sit down, encroach on his space, no longer sure if she’d be welcome. He looks small, so unlike the self-assured driver she knows. Always confident, no matter what doubts he felt from himself or from others. You couldn’t let those touch you, people will talk no matter if you acknowledge them or not. Susie knows, she’d learned that the hard way early on, especially as an omega. That was a lesson that had been instilled in her in school, completely unrelated to racing. Just existing as an omega in this world, made people think they had the right to judge everything you did or didn’t do. Every decision scrutinized, and always weighed against what was the status quo, what was proper.
When they’d met Lewis had understood, rising above the judgemental whispers and stares with the same ease as her. He was a beta, but people had talked anyway, about the colour of his skin, his parentage. It had united them, both outsiders, seen as unsuitable for different reasons but ostracized just the same. Now, she wondered whether he’d felt as accepted as she did, knowing the secret he’d harboured unwilling to share it even with her.
“Yeah, a bit.” He seems apprehensive, as if expecting her to be angry or something. “How about some breakfast. Nothing much, but you do need to eat something.” Reluctantly he gets up from the bed, leaving the remnants of the nest. For a second it seems as if he’s going to touch her, brushing so close by that she feels the heat of his body. The scent of coffee and eggs is wafting out of the kitchen, Toto stands at the stove, wearing that ridiculous apron. The table is set for three, bread and vegetables set out already. He only smiles at Lewis as they enter, relaxed posture, always conscious of himself and the space he takes up. Careful to appear as least threatening as possible, his scent muted.
Breakfast is a somber affair, normally they’d be talking, discussing the pup or whatever was happening at work for him. After the end of a season the conversation predictably turned to the development of the new car, whatever was happening at Brackley. Other times Toto will be reading the financial times, rarely in English, reminiscent of those stereotypical alphas in 60s movies. It’s undercut by the fact that he’ll offer mumbled commentary that Susie doesn’t care to understand, voice rough from sleep with dishevelled hair.
They don’t have guests for breakfast often, besides their respective families, so quiet spans between them. It’s not directedly uncomfortable, they’ve all spent so much time together over the years that it would be impossible, but the revelation has shifted their dynamic in a drastic manner. Conversing as if nothing had happened seems impossible, the intersections of their lives all impacted by the sudden revelation. Lewis picks at his food, barely touching his eggs, just some of the bread. After the table is cleared, they get up into the living room. He sits down at the far end of the sofa, leaving plenty of space between them. Grabbing a pillow and settling it in his lap, instinctively trying to shield himself from what is about to come.
“Did you know you were an Omega?” The question comes from Toto, Lewis still avoiding their eyes, fixating on the wall behind them. Susie throws him a disapproving look. She knows he doesn’t mean for it to be accusatory, from his point of view he’s simply trying to gather the facts of the situation, but to Lewis it surely sounds as if he had done something reproachful. No doubt in his mind the relationship to his gender is already more complicated than it is for any other omega in their world. “We’re just trying to understand what happened, Lewis. Nothing more.” She explains. “Not implying that it’s wrong in anyway or your fault.” Lewis opens his mouth, about to speak before abruptly stopping himself.
-
Out of instinct he wants to deny it. Knowledge of it, being an omega at all. It’s second nature to him. The question has come up before, not in the past few years, ever since he’d won his first championship with McLaren, but before that. He’s small, his body plush in places that are usual with omegas. But his height or thicker thighs are easily explained by the genetics of his beta parents, as well as the rigorous training that a professional racing driver undergoes from a very young age. Questions of his gender had been easily batted away by his instinctual denial, and the fact that his medical records listed him as a beta. Even the most conservative journalists, persistent in their questioning of him, whether truly motivated by their disbelief of his gender, or his skin colour had been eventually dissuaded. There was simply no record of him being anything but a beta. No note in his records of his presentation heat, nothing in his medical record.
And perhaps most importantly he’d never told anyone of his true gender. Not even his family outside of his parents, not under any circumstances had he revealed who he was. His denial had been the most important part of protecting himself. And that is what it had been, protection. Keeping himself safe from being omega, and all the negative consequences that came with it.
Knowing that it had become easy to ignore the truth. Never thinking about himself as anything other than beta was second nature as the instinctual denial. In this case that was nonsensical of course. There was no way to hide his gender from Susie and Toto, they had seen him, helped him trough his distress heat. Smelled his unsuppressed scent now, it still permeated the guest room that they’d stayed in.
He shifts uncomfortably, swallowing the protest that had been on his tongue. It takes him longer than it should to answer, his thoughts jumbled, suddenly confronted by something that he’d successfully avoided for most of his life. “Yes.” Just that simply word went against everything in him. He glances at them, trying to glean what they were thinking. Toto unreadable as always, nothing given away by his body language or scent. Susie is easier to read, perhaps because they’ve known each other longer, or due to the fact that she can sympathize with his experience.
“How?”
That single word is such a loaded question, Lewis can’t even grasp all the questions hidden behind it. How is it possible? How did he manage to hide for so long? How could they move forward? They were valid questions; he didn’t know how to answer half of them. He swallowed, nervously fidgeting with the pillow on his lap. “I was fifteen, when I, well when I presented.” The words are quiet, spoken into the room to no one in particular. Acknowledging such a pivotal moment for the first time in his life. It’s anticlimactic, nothing happens, no shift in the air, the world doesn’t come crashing down. Everything is the same as it was before. He’d always thought that speaking the words out loud would immediately derail his life, that somehow everyone would know instantly. A foolish notion of course, but the fear he’d harboured towards his gender stemmed from his childhood, it was the fear of a teenager, scared of losing the one thing he was good at. Already an outsider, he’d been petrified of anyone knowing. That fear had persisted well into his adult life.
The cataclysm in his mind didn’t come to pass. Susie and Toto remained calm, patiently waiting for him to continue. It comes easier now, that the first part is out of the way.
“I knew that I couldn’t continue karting if I was an omega. My parents knew.” He chances a look at Susie before continuing. “We hadn’t met at the time, but I saw what it was like for you. You were already so good, proven over and over again that you deserved your place, but still, they didn’t accept you. Alphas with half your skill, mocking you.” Susie snorts at his words, he looks away. “I couldn’t go trough that. So, my parents kept my presentation heat a secret. No doctors’ appointments, we didn’t tell anyone, not our friends or our family.” He wants to show that he didn’t keep his secret maliciously. That it wasn’t a betrayal. “I didn’t keep it from you because I don’t trust you. I do.” Words tumbling out quickly trying to reassure them.
A wave of calming omega pheromones washes over him, inadvertently his eyes close as his body relaxes again. “I know Lewis. You don’t have to feel guilty, alright?” She waits until he looks at her, nodding tentatively. “I know you trust us. You being here shows that, calling me when you needed help. I’m glad you trust and depend on us. Alright?”
“Mhm, yeah.” Lewis wants to cry at her kindness, her understanding. Why did he think that Susie wouldn’t understand?
“So, after my presentation heat, I started taking suppressants. Not the normal kind that regulate heat cycles. They prevented my body from producing any omegan hormones at all, so I wasn’t suppressing them, there simply weren’t any. A few months after we’d notified my doctor that I had presented as beta. And that was the truth. I couldn’t risk it coming out, especially not when I got my seat. I needed to be beta to reach my goals and then when I finally did reach my goals, I had too much to lose.” He heard Toto inhale sharply at the mention of the suppressants that he’d been taking. His brows furrowed in characteristic concern. “These suppressants, they were not prescribed to you by a licensed doctor.” Not a question, a statement. No licensed medical professional would have prescribed the drugs Lewis was taking. He knew they weren’t completely illegal; access would have been impossible. But only authorised for a short time under strict supervision by a doctor. Not to be taken for decades as Lewis had done.
“No, they were not.” He confirms. He avoids doctors like the plague beyond the necessary examinations for racing, mandated by the team and the FIA. Lewis looks him in the eyes, facing that piercing stare, but there is no trace of anger, only concern for him. “W-what happens now?” The question has been plaguing his mind since the moment that he'd picked up his phone to call Susie. Most importantly can he still race? Will Mercedes and Toto fire him? Not only being an omega but lying to everyone that he had ever known, people that had gone from colleagues to friends. It’s different from being accepted by Susie, she’s his friend. Toto is his boss, signing his fucking pay checks, it's his team and he decides who will race for him. He could terminate Lewis’ contract, with little to no fallout for Mercedes no doubt, all the blame would fall on Lewis. He’ll be left with nothing, forced to retire in disgrace, shaming not only him but his family.
“Lewis. Stop.” Toto’s deep voice brings him out of the spiral he’d slipped into. Two words and he’s looking at him, waiting expectantly, his thoughts no longer racing. He’s always had this effect on him, easily sensing when Lewis’ mood turned dark and getting him out of it.
“I cannot presume to know exactly what you are thinking, but I can guess, and you are wrong. Your contract will not be terminated, because you are omega.” Lewis eyes widen. “But I lied.” Toto shakes his head dismissively. “Yes. But your reasons are entirely understandable. I am sorry you felt the need to hide who you are from the world, but I do not hold it against you. And I am sure no one in the team will do so either.” He wishes he had Toto’s confidence, that it would be alright.
“I cannot speak for the board, or our sponsors, but I promise you Lewis that I will support you when the time comes.” Toto’s so calm as if they were merely discussing some random shareholder meeting, nothing as momentous as this. “But there is something more pressing that needs to be cleared before we can begin to think of how this will be addressed. You need to be examined by a doctor. A full exam, with your full history, preferably an omega specialist.” Lewis nearly recoils when he registers what it means. A proper exam means that there will be records of it, proof of what he is. And eventually, everyone will know. There will be no more hiding, no more safety. “No.” He tries to be firm, but his voice is trembling at the thought. Susie chimes in. “Lewis, you need to see a doctor. The suppressants you use were never intended for long term use. We have no idea what they could have done to your body. There could be complications stemming from the long-term use.”
He knew that, always had known that, but Lewis had intentionally never thought of what it did to his body. He’d had no reason to, he would never get of them, as in doing that he’d have ruined everything. “We’re not trying to force you to make your gender public. But you cannot go on like this. If a doctor says that it’s alright to continue to take the suppressants, you can. No one will force you otherwise, but you cannot continue harming yourself. That is no way to continue racing or living for that matter.” Susie’s voice was compassionate but firm, leaving no room for argument. He couldn’t have argued anyway, Toto was of the same opinion going by his body language.
Lewis let out a sigh, shifting his gaze toward the window looking out into the garden. “I’ll go see a doctor. Just can we keep this as discreet as possible. If I have to do this, I at least want to have a little peace during the winter.”
“Yes. I don’t see why we couldn’t. Your gender is not necessary for the broader public to know about now. But the board and shareholders as well as the team will need to be notified in the near future. There is no way around that, but it doesn’t have to be right now.” He nods in agreement. Lewis sags back into the couch, all the tension draining from his body. His secret is exposed, but life goes on. Susie and Toto seem to sense that he’s done with the subject and don’t prod it any further.
“I’m glad that you shared this with us Lewis. We’ll move forward together.” Toto smiles at him encouragingly before getting up, pressing a quick kiss to Susie’s forehead, caressing her small bump. “Unfortunately, I need to get some work done today. But please you are welcome to stay Lewis.” He keeps his eyes on his tall form before the alpha disappears in the direction of his office.
“You should stay, really.” He turns towards her voice. “After a heat I don’t like to be alone, some ancient instinct from the stone age probably.”
The thought of going back to his lonely apartment is deeply unappealing. Over the past year he hadn’t spent much time in Monaco, choosing to take his breaks mostly with his family or simply stay in hotels. The flat had lost all its appeal following his falling out with Nico, no longer feeling like a symbol of their shared dream, but of their rapidly deteriorating relationship. It hadn’t stayed on the track how they’d always said when they’d been younger. No surprise there, looking back. He had met Nico trough karting; their friendship had blossomed from their shared passion. No matter how close of a bond they once did have, it was rooted in racing. Expecting their conflict on the track to not impact their life outside was a fanciful notion.
Lewis didn’t wish to enter that flat, ever again, simply forget that it had ever existed. It would be an easy way to avoid dealing with his emotions regarding Nico and their rift. He could almost hear what Toto would say to his intention, he’d never made it a secret that he went to therapy. He’d nudged Lewis to consider it himself, especially in the past year. There was likely some merit in his suggestion, but Lewis didn’t have the mental strength to deal with that right now, on top of essentially having come out as an omega to his closest friends. He’d dealt with enough shit over the past few days, Lewis could afford to ignore his more complex emotions and deal with them tomorrow, or preferably never.
“Yeah, I’ll stay if it’s no trouble, I don’t want to impose.”
He spends the day with Susie, lounging on the couch, basking in the closeness and the content omega pheromones wafting from her. “I’m sorry I didn’t ask until now” he starts tentatively “but how is pregnancy treating you?” It comes out slightly awkward, his nervousness obvious. Lewis eyes stray toward Susie’s bump, still noticeable even under her lose shirt. It had only truly become apparent that she was carrying a pup a few weeks ago. “Well, I’m just glad that I’m past the first trimester, my morning sickness was quite persistent.” A wide smile spread on her face talking about the pregnancy, one hand caressing her stomach. “Otherwise, it’s fine, mostly just exhausting. People always say that expectant omegas glow or something, I just feel bloated.” Lewis was unsure what to say in response, it wasn’t like he could sympathize with her situation, and his experience with pregnant omegas was non-existent. He cursed himself for his curiosity, he could have avoided this.
“Do you feel it?” He blurted out the first words that came to his mind, feeling his face heating up at the crude question. “I mean is the pup, you know, moving.” Susie took in stride as she always did not even batting an eye at Lewis clumsy attempts at learning about the pregnancy. “I’ve felt him for a couple of weeks already, kind of a small flutter, but that could have just as easily been indigestion the doctor said. But he started moving properly a few days ago. Do you want to try and feel him?” She was already moving closer to him, the length of their bodies pressing together. Lewis nodded mutely, wors stuck in the back of his throat at her offer. Susie pushed up the shirt that covered her bump, she gently took his hand and guided it, so his palm was resting flatly on the warm skin of her belly.
Lewis sat as still as humanly possible, trying not to move muscle, intensely aware of where they were touching. Susie on the other hand seemed relaxed, completely at ease with him touching her so intimately. In the back of his mind, he remembered that he’d once heard that Omegas could be extremely protective when it came to people touching them during pregnancy, he wondered why Susie seemed completely fine with him being in her space. “You need to be patient, sometimes he needs a while before he lets us know that he’s in there.” She murmured softly, her hand still holding his palm close. “You call the pup he. Did you find out the gender already?” It seemed early to Lewis, the bump was noticeable, but it didn’t seem like there was a lot of space for a pup, let alone grow big enough that their sex would be visible.
“No, no we haven’t. We’ve decided to let it be a surprise. But I have a feeling that it will be a boy. Don’t know why. Toto doesn’t know what to think, he’s stressed enough becoming a sire to think about the sex of the pup.” Suddenly he can feel a light flutter beneath his palm. “Is that him?” Excitement in his voice, forgetting the awkwardness, now only focused on the small life in Susie’s womb. “That’s him.” A few more flutters come over the next minutes, Lewis smiling alongside Susie every time they feel the pup move. “He likes you. Normally he doesn’t move this much, only when Toto is speaking to him.”
Lewis looks up from her stomach. Susie looks so happy, happy that he’s here, that they can share this. The fondness that swells in Lewis’ chest nearly overwhelms him. He snuggles closer to her, closing his eyes as he feels tears forming. “I’m sorry.” He manages, voice cracking. God, he’s such a mess. Lewis has no idea why Susie even still puts up with him being such a fuck up, crying simply because he likes her. “Didn’t we already tell you to stop apologizing. There’s no reason to, you did nothing wrong.” Susie only pulls him closer, just like she did during his heat, running a soothing hand up and down his back.
He's not sure how long they stay cuddled up on the couch, it soothes something deep inside him, surrounded by her and Toto’s combined scent, knowing that he’s safe and wanted here. That they know who he truly is, and that it hasn’t changed anything. Lewis thinks he could stay here forever, ignoring the outside world, feeling the occasional flutter from the bump. Unfortunately, his stomach doesn’t agree with him, eventually the sounds coming from his middle can’t be ignored. “We should have some lunch. I’m starving and going by the sounds you are too.” Lewis sighs in embarrassment, but of course she’s got a point. “Mhm. I guess we should.” They detangle themselves reluctantly, he immediately misses her warmth.
“We could get takeout.” Lewis raised his eyebrows. “Yeah? What kind of delivery, I haven’t manged to get that yet. Not like there’s a lot of places around here that deliver.” Susie got up from the couch heading in the direction that Toto had disappeared in a few hours ago. “Well, no, no delivery per se. But we have an able-bodied alpha in the house.” She giggled. “And as an alpha it’s his duty to make sure we’re well fed. I mean I’m pregnant and you just had a heat.” Her eyes crinkle at the edges as she explains her reasoning. He’s unsure whether this truly falls into an alpha’s responsibility but why question Susie. She hasn’t steered him wrong yet. “So what do you want?”