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His heart races as he lies back on the couch, looking up at his living room ceiling, smiling brighter than he has in months.
The scene is oddly reminiscent of the day he wishes he could forget, the day she came back to the Diaz home uninvited and unwelcome, looking like the one they lost; the day Christopher saw her, and their bond was damaged so severely that his son fled to Texas.
But today is not that day. For the first time in months, Eddie feels like himself—or at least the real Eddie, the version of himself that he hides from almost everyone.
That day was dark and dreary, full of devastation and desperation. Today is different. The house is illuminated with that soft glow Eddie associated with home. He could almost hear the murmured voices of Buck and Christopher coming from another room, just out of site.
Whether Buck is helping Christopher do his homework at the dining room table or Buck in the kitchen making dinner, as much as Eddie has improved in the kitchen, Buck will always be a better cook than he will ever be.
He misses this feeling of home, of contentment, of feeling whole and complete. He misses having his family home with him. Eddie misses his son. He misses Buck.
It is not lost on Eddie right now that he associates Buck with home and being a part of their family. Because he is, Buck is a part of their family—an essential part, actually.
Thinking back to what Father Brian said about punishing himself and not letting him have the things he wants in his life; he now realizes that it extends to much more than a fruit juice. Over the last few months, he has cut out the things he enjoys, like having a beer with the 118 after a shift or playing video games. He’s also limited his time with Buck.
Sure, they see each other all the time. But working together is not the same as spending quality time together. Maybe it’s not all on him; Buck has been busy, too. Whether it's him being the best uncle on the West Coast or spending some extra time with Bobby after almost losing him, it could also be that Buck was spending time with his boyfriend. Eddie doesn’t want to look at that last one too closely. The bottom line is that Buck has been busy, and Eddie knows that Buck would find a way to make time for him if he asked, but Eddie hasn’t, and he won’t. He hasn’t allowed himself that pleasure.
It could be that he is punishing himself. It could also be that he knows Buck will make him feel better. Buck would not let him sit and wallow, and Eddie didn’t want to feel better. But it could also be that he knows Buck is hurt, too. That Christopher leaving has hurt him in a way Buck hasn’t spoken out loud. Eddie knows he did that. He didn’t just hurt himself and his son. He hurt Buck, too. Part of him is afraid to face Buck one-on-one because, at some point, there will be a conversation. Buck always comes to him when he is ready to talk. He has done it time and time again.
DING DONG, his doorbell rings.
And, okay, this night keeps reminding him more and more of that dreadful day. But it’s not Kim on the other side of the door. It can’t be, she’s gone. So, whoever is here must be someone good, someone he cares about. Right?
Eddie rolls off the couch, fixes his shirt, pops the collar, and brushes his hair out of his face before walking to the front door and opening the peephole. The little window almost looks like crosshairs over Buck’s face.
If it were anyone but Buck, Eddie would have opened the door, poked his head out, asked them to wait a minute, then went and got dressed. But it is Buck, the one person who is never afraid to let see all of him. So, he opens the door wide, the gesture intended to welcome Buck home.
Eddie looks him over, nodding at him as a welcome, and that is when he realizes Buck is not okay. Something is wrong; he looks sad and hurt.
Buck reaches down into the six-pack in his hand, pulls a bottle out, and hands it to Eddie before walking into the Diaz house and plopping down on the couch.
Eddie closes the door, looks down at the beer in his hand, and shrugs; sure, why not? It's not like he has anything else going on for the next few days. They are off for the next 48 hours. He can tie one on with Buck.
Walking towards the blue couch, Eddie does something he has repeatedly yelled about to Buck and Christopher; he steps over the arm onto the cushion and plops down.
By the time he twists the top off of his beer and takes a sip, Buck has already guzzled half of the bottle of his beer.
Eddie doesn't ask; he doesn't need to. He won’t push; he doesn't need to. Buck will talk when and if he is ready.
Bon Segers, Old Time Rock and Roll finishes, and Don McLean’s American Pie start to play. All eight minutes and thirty-three seconds pass before Buck moves back, leans onto the pillow, and kicks his shoes off.
Buck finishes his beer and reaches for a second bottle. He pops the top, and Eddie silently holds his hand out to Buck. Silently, Buck reaches into the pocket of his jacket, grabs the jeep keys, and hands them to Eddie before he gets up and heads into the kitchen, taking the leftover bottles of beer with him.
A few minutes later, he returns with a bowl full of chips and Pretzels in one hand, a silver bucket full of ice, and more beers than he left with, sitting on the ice to keep them cold.
When Jon Bon Jovi sings the open line of Living On A Prayer, Buck groans loudly, and okay, the message has been received. Eddie grabs his phone and clicks next, and Three Dog Night’s Joy To The World starts to play.
“Jeremiah was a bullfrog!” The song comes out of the speakers, and Eddie bops along to it, his socked feet dancing along the carpet from where he is sitting next to Buck.
Buck turns to look at him; as he lifts the bottle to his lips, he looks like he wants to ask Eddie what the fuck he is doing, but he doesn’t.
While Buck may be down in the dumps tonight, Eddie isn’t; he's in a great fucking mood, and he is determined to make Buck feel better. The songs continue to play, and Buck stares at Eddie incredulously; Eddie, in turn, turns to look at Buck, points at him, and sings along with the song, “Joy to the world, All the boys and girls now, Joy to the fishes in the deep blue sea, Joy to you and me.”
“What the fuck is happening right now?” Buck asks, and Eddie shrugs.
“Are you high? What did you take?”
Eddie lets out an annoyed scoff, “Just because I am happy, I have to be high?”
“No, but this whole… Why are you in your underwear?”
“You walked in, and Old Time Rock and Roll was playing; I'm wearing a pink dress shirt, in my tighty whities, and you don’t know what’s going on?” Eddie asks.
“Am I supposed to?”
“Tom Cruise? Risky Business?”
“I don’t know what that is.” Buck rushes out.
Eddie faces palms, “Your lack of pop culture knowledge is killing me, Buckley.”
“You got a whole vibe going on their Eds,” Buck says, waving his finger at all of him.
“I’m having fun. You should try it sometime; seems like you could use it right now.”
“I don’t want to talk about it.” Buck rushes out.
“When have I ever pushed? You came here because you know you never have to be anything for me, Buck.” Eddie says knowingly.
Buck stands up and pulls his sweater off. He then reaches for his jeans, undoing the buckle, pushing them down his legs, folding them, and laying them on the table.
He turns to face Eddie, standing in his navy-blue briefs, a tight grey tank top, and white ankle socks. “Does this work?”
“Perfect!” Eddie says happily before holding his beer out to Buck. Buck takes his and clinks their bottles together.
“I’m just going to say one thing, and then I don’t want to talk about it anymore. After I say it, can we get back to your dance party?”
“Go for it,” Eddie replies.
“We broke up. There is a lot more to it, including the craziest fucking case of Eskimo Brothers you have ever heard of…” Buck says, trailing off and not offering anymore.
The term doesn’t mean anything to him, and Eddie doesn't ask; instead, he reaches for his phone and opens Urban Dictionary, finding “Eskimo Brother -When two males have been intimate with the same female…” Eddie doesn't read anymore because he is too busy choking on his beer.
“Are you okay?” Buck asks, clapping him on the back.
“You have never seen Risky Business, but you know what Eskimo Brothers means?” Eddie asks, still coughing but waving his phone at Buck.
“You looked it up?” Buck asks, and Eddie nods, wiping his face off with his sleeve.
“I never heard that term before,” Eddie says, pausing because he wants to ask; he really does.
Buck shakes his head and then rubs his temples. “You want to know, don’t you?”
“You can’t lay something like that out there and not expect them to be curious.” Eddie laughs.
“Abby,” Buck says.
“Holy shit!”
“When I first met her, she was hurt; she talked about how badly her last relationship damaged her. That when her mom took a bad turn, he dropped her like a hot potato. Or at least that’s what she said. He said it was because he was figuring himself out. Regardless… it’s just…”
“Fucking crazy,” Eddie says, and for the first time tonight, Buck chuckles. “But back to the dance party.”
“What do I need to do?” Buck asks.
“Pick a song. Any song, and just let loose.” Eddie advises.
“You want me to pick a song and dance around in my underwear with you?”
“Yeah, why the fuck not?” Eddie asks.
He reaches over and slaps Buck’s thigh, “If there is anyone I’m not afraid to be me in front of, it’s you,” Eddie says honestly before giving his best impression of Vana White, waving at his outfit to show how open he is with Buck.
The universe seems to be with them tonight because the opening notes to Survivors - Eye Of The Tiger start to play.
Buck's eyes blow wide, “Did you pick this for me?”
Eddie shakes his head, “Nope, must be a sign.
When the guitar riffs start to play, both Eddie and Buck strum along to it. Eddie stays seated, and Buck begins to bop around the living room.
When the vocal starts, Buck sings with it, “Risin' up, back on the street, Did my time, took my chances, Went the distance, now I'm back on my feet, Just a man and his will to survive.”
Buck spins and turns to strut, along still singing, “So many times, it happens too fast
You trade your passion for glory, Don't lose your grip on the dreams of the past
You must fight just to keep them alive.”
Buck gets his whole body into it now, “It's the eye of the tiger, it's the thrill of the fight, Risin' up to the challenge of our rival, And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night, And he's watching us all with the eye of the tiger.”
And look, Eddie knows Buck loves this song; it’s his go-to karaoke song, or at least it used to be, but that was before the bachelor party. But here in his house, his safe place, Buck cuts loose as Eddie has never seen him before, and he loves every second of it.
When the song ends, Buck crashes down on the couch next to him. His face is red and flushed, and he’s broken into a sweat. But what he is not right now is sad.
The last thing either of them expects is for Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody to start playing.
“Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Caught in a landslide, No escape from reality,” Eddie shifts and sits on the arm of the couch, and Buck gives him a raised eyebrow as if asking if they are really doing this? All Eddie does is nod. Because fuck yeah, they are!
Buck mirrors him, sitting on the other arm of the couch directly across from him as Freddie Mercury sings, “Open your eyes, Look up to the skies and see, I'm just a poor boy, I need no sympathy, Because I'm easy come, easy go, Little high, little low, Any way the wind blows, Doesn't matter to me, to me.”
Buck plays the air piano, egging Eddie on; Eddie gets ready and sings along. “Mama, just killed a man, Put a gun against his head, Pulled my trigger, now he's dead, Mama, life had just begun
But now I've gone and thrown it all away.”
Eddie mimes, handing the mic to Buck, and he sings, “Mama, ooh, Didn't mean to make you cry, If I'm not back again this time tomorrow, Carry on, carry on as if nothing really matters.”
Eddie takes the next verse, “Too late, my time has come, Sends shivers down my spine, Body's aching all the time, Goodbye, everybody, I've got to go, Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth.”
They take the next part together, both signing, “Mama, ooh (Anyway the wind blows), I don't wanna die; I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all,” Eddie hops up, standing on the couch cushion for the guitar solo.
Buck pushes himself to his feet and joins him in singing, “I see a little silhouetto of a man, Scaramouche, Scaramouche, will you do the Fandango?”s
They both sing, “Thunderbolt and lightning very, very frightening me
(Galileo) Galileo, (Galileo) Galileo, Galileo Figaro, Magnifico-o-o-o-o,”
Still standing on the couch, Buck holds his hand out, letting Eddie know he wants this part, “I'm just a poor boy, nobody loves me, He's just a poor boy from a poor family, Spare him his life from this monstrosity.”
Both Buck and Eddie sing the next part but take turns alternating the “Let me goes”. “Easy come, easy go, will you let me go? Bismillah! No, we will not let you go (Let him go!), Bismillah! We will not let you go (Let him go!), Bismillah! We will not let you go (Let me go!), Will not let you go (Let me go!)
Never let you go (Never, never, never, never let me go), Oh oh oh oh, No, no, no, no, no, no, no
Oh, mamma mia, mamma mia (Mamma mia, let me go), Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me, for me, for me.”
When the riff hits, they jump up and down on Eddie's couch like little kids living their dreams of being rock stars.
Eddie belts out, “So you think you can stone me and spit in my eye? So you think you can love me and leave me to die? Oh, baby, can't do this to me, baby, Just gotta get out, just gotta get right outta here.”
When the song breaks down, they step off the couch and turn to face each other; Eddie steps closer to Buck, placing a hand on his hip and one on his shoulders, and they rock back and forth as Freddie Mercury sings the end of the song. “Ooh, ooh yeah, ooh yeah, Nothing really matters, Anyone can see, Nothing really matters, Nothing really matters to me, Any way the wind blows” and when the piano fades, they are still slowly dancing with Bucks's head on Eddie’s shoulder.
“Eds?”
“Yeah, Buck?”
“I really needed this. Thank you.”
“I did too, Buck, I really did.”
Buck leans back away from Eddie, and when their eyes meet, Buck's eyes move from his eyes to his lips and then back up. Eddie has a brief moment to think Buck is about to kiss him, but he doesn't. He steps back and then grabs his beer, taking a long pull.
He feels a twinge of disappointment. But what? He didn’t want Buck to kiss him. Did he? Now, that couldn’t be. He just got lost in the moment. Right?
Barry White’s voice starts to say, “We got it together, didn't we, We've definitely got our thing together don't we baby, Isn't that nice, I mean really, when really sit and think about it, Isn't it really, really nice.”
“I don’t know this one, Eds,” Buck says.
“I can easily feel myself slipping, In more and more ways, That super world of my own, Nobody but you and me, We've got it together baby.”
“Who cares if you know the song, Buck? Just dance with me. Come on, Buck!” Eddie says, cheering him on before he places his hands on Buck’s hip, twisting them to the beat of the song.
“My first, my last, my everything, And the answer to all my dreams, You're my sun, my moon, my guiding star, My kind of wonderful, that's what you are,” Eddie is too busy dancing, and leading Buck to see his face fall when he hears the lyrics of the song. Buck has the rhythm now and is swaying along, so Eddie lets his hips go and starts singing along with the song.
“I know there's only, only one like you, There's no way they could have made two, You're, you're all I'm living for, your love I'll keep forevermore,” Eddie points to Buck and sings, “You're the first, you're the last, my everything,” Buck is still dancing, but he seems to be thinking deeply as the song continues.
“In you I've found so many things, A love so new, only you could bring, Can't you see it's you? You make me feel this way, You're like a fresh morning dew on a brand new day, I see so many ways that I, Can love you 'til the day I die, You're my reality, yet I'm lost in a dream,” Again, Eddie points to Buck and sings, “You're the first, the last, my everything.”
“I know there's only, only one like you, There's no way they could have made two, Girl, you're my reality, but I'm lost in a dream, You're the first, you're the last, my everything.” Eddie sings and dances, still pointing at Buck, as he watches waves of emotions race across Buck’s face.
“You and me, baby, It's you and me,” Eddie points to Buck and belts out, “And you are the first, the last, my everything,” Buck's face has gone from confusion to confident resolve.
He looks at Eddie like he has found a long-lost treasure. No, he looks at Eddie like he loves him like he is in love with him. There is no doubt that Buck wants to kiss him this time.
Eddie has time to stop it. He really does. Buck telegraphs what he is about to do a mile away. Maybe it is because he is unsure or afraid of how Eddie will react.
Eddie doesn’t even know how he is going to react. But he doesn’t make a move to stop Buck. He wants this; he wants Buck to kiss him. So, instead of stopping Buck, he steps closer, and Buck reaches for his face, softly cupping his jaw. His eyes trail to Eddie’s lips and then to meet his gaze.
Like so many other things between them, some things don’t need to be said out loud, and Eddie nods once, slowly and deliberately, ensuring Buck knows this is okay and that he has Eddie’s permission to proceed.
Buck leans in, lowering his face toward Eddie’s before pressing their lips together. Oh! The first press is soft, delicate, and chaste. Oh! Eddie closes his eyes for a second, enjoying the reverie. Instinctively, his hands find Buck’s hips and pull him closer.
“Omph.” He’s not sure which one of them lets out the sound, and he doesn’t care. This feels right; this is right.
Eddie closes his lips slightly, trapping Buck’s lower lip between them. He feels Buck’s hands on him, one on his hip and the other around the back of his head. Buck slides his tongue along Eddie’s lower lip, and Eddie knows exactly what this is. Buck is again asking for permission, and who is Eddie to deny him anything, ever? Last of all, denying Buck access to him completely.
When their tongues touch for the first time, it's different than Eddie anticipated. Usually, Eddie and Buck are competitive, and he had a brief moment to think they would fight over control of the kiss. But this is not that; there is no fighting for control. It’s more of a homecoming.
Eddie allows Buck into his mouth to explore him, and Buck coaxes Eddie into his own mouth as if he wants part of Eddie inside of him just as much as he wants to be inside Eddie. That right there has possibilities.
“Buck,” Eddie groans into his mouth.
Buck stiffens in front of him and slowly pulls his mouth away. Eddie chases his mouth because he is not done with this moment. He is not done with Buck, and he knows in the core of his being he never will be.
As Buck pulls away, Eddie tightens his hold on his waist and pulls him ever closer, taking control of the embrace and the kiss. He rocks his underwear-clad hips into Buck’s, letting him know how much he is enjoying what was happening because there is no way to his arousal, tenting his tight white briefs.
Buck pushes back again, and it’s the first time Eddie has seen his face since the kiss started. Buck is scared, no, not scared, he is terrified. He looks utterly devastated and broken, like he just nuked their friendship.
He backs away from Eddie in a panic and turns to look for his jeans. It’s comical how quickly Buck tries to dress himself. He repeatedly tries to step into his jeans and misses the leg before he grabs his jeans, sweater, jacket, and sneakers and balls them together before rushing to the door.
The one thing he didn’t anticipate was opening the front door of the Diaz house with his hands full like they were. He tries to open the door without dropping anything and fails miserably. “FUCK!” He exclaims, and Eddie chuckles because while he is not in any way making fun of Buck, this is a scene right out of an 80s rom-com.
Eddie walks closer before reaching out and taking Buck’s hand away from the doorknob, pulling it toward him, and spinning Buck around. Buck meets his gaze again, and Eddie can see the unshed tears pooling in his eyes and no. Fuck that. This is not happening; Buck is not leaving here thinking this was a mistake, that what just happened between them was a mistake.
Eddie may not know what that was or what this was, but it felt right. Buck touching him felt right. This is right. The timing may be shit for both of them, but this is not a mistake. This is where they are supposed to be.
He never would have thought he would kiss or touch another man; he just told the hot priest he was straight, but this wasn't just a man. This was Buck. Buck has always been the exception to everything for Eddie; why wouldn’t he be for this? Buck, his best friend, was the person he trusted most in this world. Buck was his, his Buck, and he was Buck’s Eddie or his Ed’s like he liked to say when Eddie referred to him as their Buck, the Diaz’ Buck. It always comes back to Buck for Eddie, and now it always does because Eddie will never be able to move past this, past Buck. Buck is it for him.
Eddie pushes the clothes out of Buck’s hands, and they drop to the floor. He places his right hand in the center of Buck’s chest, palm open, over his heart.
Eddie closes his eyes and has a brief flash of memory of the night of the lightning strike when he gave Buck CPR. “Oh,” he says lowly, and Buck’s eyes blow wide. He pushes Buck back against the door, not allowing him to go anywhere.
Buck's heart beats through his chest as it races, waiting for Eddie to do whatever he is going to do next. Buck is still scared and unsure of what to say or do and how to act. He seems ready for Eddie to throw a punch and is ready to run as fast as possible. He’s prepared himself for Eddie to reject him.
Eddie’s heart, however, is slow, steady, and confident. While he probably needs to have one hell of a conversation with Frank, he isn’t scared of this. He isn’t scared of Buck and what just happened. He can show Buck that.
Reaching down, Eddie takes Buck’s hand and lifts it to his own chest. Laying Buck’s open, palmed hand over his heart, Eddie lets him feel how calm he is. How sure of Buck he is.
Taking slow and deliberately deep breaths, Eddie pushes and pulls air in and out. Buck, on the other hand, is still a mess. His heart is still racing, and his breathing is erratic.
“With me, Buck. In and out.” Eddie says, his voice low and calm.
He continues holding his hand over Buck’s heart, keeping Buck trapped over his own and focusing on calming breaths. Eddie eventually gets Buck to calm down.
When Buck finally breathes normally and no longer looks like a kicked puppy, Eddie loosens his hold on him, allowing Buck to step away from the door and closer to him. He wastes zero time and pulls Buck closer, wrapping his arms around him and pulling him into a hug.
Buck’s face finds the crook of Eddie's neck, and he hides himself there as if knowing he is safe with Eddie but still scared. Eddie’s hand trails up Buck’s back, neck, and hair, pushing Buck ever closer.
“I got you, Buck,” Eddie whispers, and something in Buck relaxes. “We are okay, Buck.” He whispers again, “We will always be okay, Buck.”
Holding Buck in his arms while standing in his foyer after they made out and Buck trying to run away was definitely not on Eddie Diaz’s 2024 bingo card, but here they are, and you know what? Eddie is pretty fucking good with that.
Buck lifts his head out of the crook of his neck before reaching up and wiping the tears away. Yet, Eddie never loses his grip on Buck, too afraid he is going to spiral and run away, and that is the last thing either one of them needs right now or ever. They need to talk about this, and they need to talk about it now.
Whatever Buck wants, Eddie will give it to him; all he has to do is ask. But at the same time, this can’t all be on Buck; Eddie has to allow himself to want what he wants, and he wants Buck in every way.
Eddie looks up into Buck’s eyes, then presses up on the balls of his feet and softly presses his lips to Buck’s. He doesn't push more for a chaste kiss, but he wants to show Buck it wasn't a mistake. Buck melts into him and the kiss before his mouth breaks into a smile, “Yeah, Eds?” He asks.
“Yeah, Buck,” Eddie replies instantly, not allowing an extra second to pass, ensuring Buck knows there is no doubt in his mind.
Buck slides his hands down his back and cups his ass, lifting him off his feet before spinning them around and pressing Eddie to the door. Eddie has a flash of memory of Buck picking him up outside in the street next to the fire truck. Buck shakes him out of the memory when he guides Eddie’s legs around his waist before he locks them behind Buck's back.
This is new. All of this is new, but Buck is picking him up like this, holding him up, pinned against the wall; holy fuck, new kink unlocked.
Eddie groans loudly when Buck’s mouth crashes into his. There is no asking for permission this time as Buck presses his tongue past his lips into his mouth. This is the battle Eddie had expected earlier, but he doesn’t try to fight it; he lets Buck dominate the kiss, not because he wants to, but because Buck needs to control this moment.
Eddie pulls back from the kiss, “Couch, Buck,” and then finds Buck’s mouth again. Buck doesn’t ask or argue; he follows Eddie’s instructions and carries them over to the couch before laying Eddie down on his back. He has another flash of memory of a panicked Buck looking down at him, begging Eddie to hold on. Once again, Buck pulls him from the memory as he lays down on top of him.
Eddie wants this forever, the feeling of Buck touching him, pressing into him. Buck needs to always be touching him from now on. Whether it’s holding his hand or something smaller, as much contact as he can get, Eddie will take it.
As if Buck could read his mind, he leaned back and started to unbutton his shirt, starting just below his neck, until they were all undone and Buck could access his chest. Eddie reached up and tugged at Buck's grey tank top. “OFF,” he growled. Buck smiles sinisterly and pulls the shirt up and off his body, throwing it somewhere in the living room.
Pushing himself on his elbows, Eddie launches himself forward and kisses Buck’s right pec just under the geometric shapes inked into his skin. He opens his mouth, biting lighting into the skin.
“What the fuck?” Buck chuckles.
“Sorry, I just realized I wanted to do that for a long time, so I did,” Eddie answers, pressing his face into Buck’s chest in embarrassment.
“Just realized?” Buck asks. “This is really new for you, isn’t it.”
Eddie leans back and tilts his head curiously, “Would you believe me if I said I’m not sure?”
Buck enthusiastically nods, “Considering that I am rethinking every one of our interactions over the last few years,” he taps his head, “Up here. Yeah, I would agree. I’m not sure, either.”
“But you want this?” Eddie asks bravely.
“Yes,” Buck answers instantly. “I’m going to need to work some shit out. But I want this.”
“I do, too. It feels right. You feel right. Does that make sense?” Eddie asks honestly.
Buck nods slowly, “Eddie, this isn’t… You're not… You’re not a rebound.” He says, his voice firm and confident.
“Well, I didn’t think I was.” Eddie laughs.
“No, I just mean. We just broke up, and I’m still confused as to why. But this… you and me. I feel like this is where we are supposed to be.” Buck says, shifting on top of him so he can straddle Eddie’s hips.
“My mind is reeling right now because I have no idea what happened earlier tonight or why, but at the same time, I am glad it did. Then I was here with you and felt like I was coming home. You're my safe place, Eddie.” Buck smiles, his grin spreading ear to ear. “Dancing around with it made me feel better in a way I didn’t know I needed.”
“It was nice to cut loose with you,” Eddie beams.
“Then that fucking song came on, and I lost it.”
“What do you mean?”
“He said something tonight that he was my first but wasn’t my last. He said he knew how we ended. I think he knew that if it were between him and you, it would always be you for me. I would always choose you over him. Like he knew I had feelings for you before I did, and he was never going to last but still pursued me anyway.” Buck explains, “Then when you were singing that song, and you sang those words to me, “And you are the first, the last, my everything.” I realized that I wanted to be. I wanted to be your first, your last, your everything.”
Eddie shifts and sits up so Buck is straddling his thighs, not his hips. He needs to be closer, and looking at Buck for this, “There are lot of things that I am going to need to unpack. My head is a mess, Buck, but one thing is certain. You have been and will always be my Buck.”
Eddie takes a breath and waits for a beat, “As we were going through the motions tonight, I kept thinking about things, and it kept coming back to keeping you, and without sounding arrogant, I feel like you were always mine; I just didn’t know it. Or know I wanted it.”
He takes another breath, “I had a conversation with a priest, well two actually… two conversations. Same priest.” Buck tilts his head curiously like he is about to ask what the fuck. Because Buck knows that Eddie wouldn’t be caught dead in a church.
“I went to confession. Something Bobby said, and maybe look for forgiveness? But the conversation crashed and burned. I was on a jog and stopped to get something to drink. I just happened to run into the priest again.” He shrugs because what are the odds?
“We sat and had a chat. I thought he was hitting on me at first. I told him I was straight…” Eddie chuckles, “I lied to a priest.” He laughs again, “I didn’t know it was a lie at the time. We had a conversation about disguising and hiding things away. Punishing yourself, not letting yourself have things you want because you don’t think you deserve them.”
“Eddie…” Buck says somberly.
“But he gave me some good advice, and I decided to stop punishing myself. He told me to do something for me that would bring me joy, and I did. That’s why I was channeling my inner Joel and dancing around like Tom Cruise in Risky Business.”
Buck nods, “Another movie to add to the list.” Eddie chuckles, and Buck continues, “So if you're straight, what does this mean?”
“I think it means that I’m not as straight as I thought I was. I didn’t even realize I was attracted to you until you kissed me. But Buck, I have never been that hard, that fast in my life.” Eddie confesses.
“I know that probably sounds weird. But I always have had to work for it; besides Shannon, anyone I have been with has always felt like I need to force it and perform. It’s hard for me to find people attractive. I think that part of me is broken.” Eddie says, laying another confession on Buck.
“So, Ana, and Marisol?” Buck asks, and Eddie shakes his head, “Ana and I never… But Marisol was super enthusiastic about sex. But I had to force myself…”
“But Me and Shannon?” Buck questions.
“All systems go,” Eddie says, reaching down to cup his hardness in his briefs.
“Eddie, do you know what Demisexuality means?” Buck asks.
Eddie shakes his head, “No, but I gather from what I just said you think it applies to me.”
Buck chuckles, “Demisexuality is a sexual orientation in which a person feels sexually attracted to someone only after they've developed a close emotional bond with them. Doesn’t mean you would develop an attraction to everyone you are close to.”
Eddie pauses, thinking about what Buck just said. That does sound right to him. He and Shannon were friends at first. They knew each other before they started to date. He adds this to the things he needs to talk to Frank about.
“You might want to talk with Karen; she helped me understand some things as I was figuring myself out. I was confused about being Bi or Pan. And if Demi works for you, I have a friend, Cole, you can talk to. He’s an old seal buddy, and he is Demi. Might be helpful to talk to someone who experiences things the way you do.”
“Can I maybe talk to him first?” Eddie asks. “It’s not that I don’t want to talk to Karen; just maybe let me figure some things out before I start having convos with our extended family.”
“That’s fair. I can text him tomorrow, and we can set something up.”
Eddie lies back on the couch and pulls Buck on top of him, pressing chest to chest, skin to skin. He cards his fingers up and down Buck’s back, as his chest rises and falls. Buck moves his head, laying it over his heart, as his littles to the steady pump of Eddie’s heart.
They settle into a comfortable silence, just enjoying existing with each other, when the playlist Eddie, who started earlier, or maybe it’s the universe, finally gives him one of these signs Buick has always been telling him about because Snow Patrol's “Chasing Cars” starts to play.
The words hit home in a way he would never have expected.
“We'll do it all, Everything, On our own, We don't need, Anything, Or anyone,” Eddie can’t help but think about how right that is. It’s been him and Buck for a long time.
“If I lay here, If I just lay here, Would you lie with me and just forget the world?” And Buck is... Buck is lying here with him as if nothing outside the walls of his house has any bearing on them. Like this, their being together doesn’t have the power to alter everything about their lives.
“I don't quite know, How to say, How I feel,” Eddie knows, but somehow, he’s not afraid of how he feels. He just needs to say the words.
“Those three words, Are said too much; they're not enough,” They will be enough, Eddie will tell him, and he will show Buck how much he means to him for the rest of their lives.
“If I lay here, If I just lay here, Would you lie with me and just forget the world?” Buck is right when he says he wants to be Eddie’s first, his last, everything. Buck has been his everything for years and years.
“Forget what we're told. Before we get too old, Show me a garden that's bursting into life. " Eddie is going to need to work through so much. Things his parents, the church, the army, and so many other things have told and taught him shit that he needs to let go of.
“Let's waste time, Chasing cars, Around our heads,” No more chasing after things he doesn’t want just because that is what is expected of him.
“I need your grace, To remind me, To find my own,” Buck’s grace, his light, his sunshine. He has to let Buck all the way in. He needs to, and Buck deserves to see all of him, no more hiding.
“If I lay here, If I just lay here, Would you lie with me and just forget the world?” Yes, Eddie would. He would stay with Buck forever.
“Forget what we're told; before we get too old, Show me a garden that's bursting into life,” It seems like the song isn’t getting to just Eddie because Buck pushes up and gazes down into Eddie's eyes.
“All that I am, All that I ever was, Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see,” Those blue eyes, Eddie wants to fall and get lost in them forever.
“I don't know where, Confused about how as well, Just know that these things will never change for us at all.”
“If I lay here, If I just lay here, Would you lie with me and just forget the world?” The song fades out.
“Yes,” Buck says, answering the question the song asks. “Eddie…”
“I love you,” Eddie confesses.
“You utter dick. I was going to say it first.” Buck laughs.
“I don’t care who says it first, Buck. This isn’t a competition. As long as you…” Buck cuts him off, “I love you, Eddie.” Buck then leans down and presses their lips together again.
“Let’s go to my room,” Eddie says.
“Awfully presumptuous of you, Mr. Diaz.” Buck laughs.
“Oh please, you act like we wouldn’t already be naked if I hadn’t slowed us down earlier.”
“True,” Buck laughs again.
“Tonight, let’s just go sleep tonight. I want to wake up with you.”
Buck leans back and stands up before reaching out, taking Eddie's hand, and pulling him to his feet.
Eddie walks to the front door, locks it, and finishes securing the house for the night while Buck turns out the light and grabs them bottles of water from the fridge.
Eddie walks to his room and takes advantage of having a brief moment to himself. He slides the tighty whities off his hips and pulls up a pair of his usual type of burgundy boxer briefs.
“Damn, I missed the show,” Buck says from behind him, heading into Eddie's bedroom, closing the door behind him.
Eddie turns to face him, chuckling, and finds Buck standing in just his blue boxer briefs, “You’ve seen me naked before, Buck.”
“Not in this context, not just for me.”
Okay, that’s true. They have seen each other naked in these hours at work. But also, when Buck was hurt and after Eddie was shot. But this is different in this context, with the intent that they were together.
“Okay,” Eddie says, shrugging. He looped his fingers into the waistband and pushed his briefs off, standing before Buck, naked, just because Buck wanted to see him.
He’s not shy, nor is he embarrassed about his body. He has put too much work into it. Buck places both bottles of water down and follows suit, stripping off his own briefs.
“Come on,” Eddie says, cocking his head toward the bed before he walks over and pulls the blankets down, and slides in on his side while Buck slides in on the other.
Buck maneuvers closer, and Eddie slides in against him, tucking his right arm between him and Buck, laying his head onto Buck’s chest, and overlapping his leg over Buck’s.
Eddie walks his fingers up Buck’s happy trail before placing his hand on Buck’s belly. The other man reaches over and slots his fingers between Eddie's, resting both of their hands.
“How did I start tonight with one boyfriend and end it with another?” Buck asks.
Eddie chuckles, “How did I start tonight straight and end it with a boyfriend?”
“Oh, yours is better.” Buck chuckles.
When Eddie wakes up the next morning, with the sun trying to sneak its golden rays past his room-darkening blinds, he has half a second to think last night was a dream, until he feels Buck shift from where he is spooned in Eddie's arms.
They collectively need to work through a lot. They both have their own issues and then there are their friends and family.
Eddie needs time with Frank; he needs to work through this all in the right way. Then there were those flashes of memory he had tonight. They had to be from the shooting. He’s going to be Frank and Buck to help him unpack that.
The 118 won’t be an issue, but it will not be easy for Bobby. However, there are forms and training for things like this. As long as they do this right, they won't be split up.
Their families are another hurdle. Phillip and Margaret are not happy about finding out about Buck being Bisexual, and things have been tense between them again. Maddie will always have Buck’s back; that goes without saying.
Eddie’s family—well, that will be a fight that goes the full 12 rounds. Sophia and Adriana will be okay with it. He is confident that Pepa will be accepted, but she may need a minute because of pure shock. If anyone knew already, it would be Abuela, and of all his family members, she is the last one he is worried about.
Helena and Ramon are where the fight is going to be. There is no way they will be okay with this. Eddie has spent his entire life hearing their harsh and homophobic comments. Christopher absolutely needs to be home before they find out, or they will try to make his temporary stay in El Paso permanent.
Christopher needs to know, and he needs to know immediately. It’s time; Eddie needs to fix things for himself and his son. He makes his decision then and there; he goes to El Paso and fights to get his son back. If Buck wants to come, he will be welcome to. But the no-contact thing has to stop; it’s not helping anyone heal. So, El Paso bound he will be.
Eddie knows that nothing heading their way will be easy, but together, they can manage. Eddie can fight any fight as long as he has Buck by his side—his Buck, his first, his last, his everything.