Work Text:
ompt one: Septiplier playing Crack Warrior as Jesus and Gandhi
“Hey honey! I found a new game for us to play,
” Mark said playfully as he entered the room.
“Oh nice. What is it? Are we streaming this one?,
” his lover replied excitedly.
“Actually, I was
thinking we could have a nice night to ourselves. We can order some pizza and see what this
game is all about.
” “You keep calling it the game. What aren’t you telling me? Look you’ve
played anything from chair fucking simulator to drug dealer simulator. This one can’t be that
bad” “So… it’s called Crack Warrior. It seems like it’s just another fighting game, but the setting
is at a crack house. Tits everywhere like it would take hours to censor them all for youtube.
And the characters you play as… from what I can tell they’re like… they’re real people. Good
people. Religious figures. Well liked world leaders and historical figures. People who probably
wouldn’t be in a crack house. I am excited to play it, and I want to play it with you.
” “Oh my, that
sounds wonderful. Did the makers of South Park come up with it?” Mark chuckled.
“Surprisingly no. Anyway let’s get that pizza ordered and head downstairs”
The two men rushed to the basement, jumped on the couch, and turned on the massive tv. The
familiar tune of the playstation sounded.
“Ok let’s get this game loaded up,
” Mark said, hopping
off the couch to grab the two controllers. The game loaded, and the opening sequence looked
like something from a big trip. Moses was snorting a line of coke off a golden table while
Jeanne D’Arc was getting a lap dance from Mother T eresa. Then it cut to Jesus juggling
machine guns with Martin Luther King Jr laughing hysterically after taking a huge bong hit.
“Dude you can play as Jesus,
” Sean shouted excitedly.
“Dibs! I call dibs on playing Jesus!”
What even is this game Mark thought to himself. It seems he had chosen well on the date night
idea, as his boyfriend was enticed by the game. Finally the intro sequence ended and the game
was at the start screen. Mark pressed play, then pressed versus, and they were at the
character select screen.
Sean instantly moved his controller until he selected Jesus. The top of the screen read Fighting
style: Ranged and Blasting. Jesus dual wields machine guns to deliver maximum penance “Oh
man this is sick! Who are you going to play as?” “Hmm,
” Mark said as he thumbed over the
options.
“I’m torn between Gandhi and Jeanne D’arc. Jeanne has psychic blasts, which is
really cool, but Ghandi shoots up steroids and punches the shit out of you.
” “I think you should
go as Gandhi. Jesus probably wouldn’t want to punish one of his greatest followers,
” Sean
remarked. Mark selected Gandhi and the battle began.
Jesus entered the “stage,
” which was the parking lot in front of the Crack n Jack Strip Club.
“It’s Judgment Day, Bitches!” Jesus shouted then raised his guns into the air and fired. Next
Gandhi entered the stage, shoved a needle in his arm and said “My starvation is my strength.
The drugs work so much better.
”
The Indian accent in the voice acting was mediocre at best. Sean nearly pissed himself
laughing.
“If you keep laughing like that I’m gonna win easy,
” Mark teased. 3… 2… 1.. Fight!
And the game began.
Gandhi moved in closer to Jesus, trying to get in a punch, while Jesus backed up and fired off
his machine guns. Ghandi jumped, nearly dodging the bullets and managing to land a punch on
Jesus. Jesus turned his guns upward and fired straight at Ghandi. This blasted Ghandi off him
and landed him on the ground.
It seemed that Ghandi’s punches did more damage, but were harder to land. Jesus’ gunshots
were much easier to land a hit, but did less overall damage. Sean quickly realized this and held
fire until Mark tried to stand up and then shot him back down on the ground.
“Gah! That’s
cheating!” screamed Mark.
“Only because you’re so cute when you rage,
” Sean teased,
sticking out his tongue.
“Oh hey look I got my ultimate!” Sean hit the triangle button.
Immediately “Dies Irae” began blasting in the background. Jesus muttered something in Latin,
pulled out a rocket launcher, and fired it at Ghandi.
“T o Hell With You!” he shouted as the rocket
flew at the opponent. Gandhi tried to dodge, but there was no way. The rocket hit him, and he
felt a pain like he had never experienced before. He dropped to the ground, defeated.
KO. Round 2! Fight! “That was so not fair. I couldn’t even get a hit on you and then that move is
clearly OP ,
” Mark said in frustration.
“Maybe you just need to get good,
” Sean said playfully.
“This time I’ve got you ok. I have it entirely figured out.
” “Suuure!”
Gandhi got back up, and immediately launched himself into the air, aiming his fist towards
Jesus’ face. Before Jesus could aim his guns, Ghandi’s fists of fury landed seven consecutive
blows, forcing him to his knees. Jesus batted Ghandi off with the guns, stood up, and then fired.
Ghandi skillfully dodged the shots and prepared another melee attack. Once again Gandhi
landed a handful of punches, but this time Jesus was able to shoot him off.
“Man I just cannot get a hit on you. When did you learn how to dodge,
” Sean shouted.
I’m just good at this. At least now we get to see my ultimate.
” Mark hit his triangle button.
“Maybe
The girls in the background held burning British flags while Gandhi shot up another dose of
roids. In a deep voice, fueled by rage, Gandhi shouted “Peace was never really an option” as
he rushed towards Jesus and straight up pummeled him. Jesus tried to get off of the ground,
but he couldn’t. It was over.
KO.
“Yes!” Mark exclaimed! “Whatever I've got you this round!” Sean said in a competitive tone.
Final Round. Fight!
Jesus got himself back up. They said the final fight would be a tough one.
“T ake this purifying
shot,
” he yelled at Gandhi as he fired his guns. Ghandi jumped and the shot missed. No! Jesus
thought. Ghandi was closing in, but before he could land a punch, Jesus fired a gun in his face.
That was a close one! Gandhi attempted to stand up, but Jesus fired another shot. Not this
again! I have to dodge these!“Let me show you real freedom… from life!” He shouted back at
Jesus, as he launched himself into the air again. This time he landed three punches before
feeling the familiar sting of the bullets.
“Man this is a close one!” “Well may the best American gamer win!” “You’re a dick sometimes,
babe.
” “T akes one to know one.
” Oh hey we both have our ultimates. Both men rushed to hit
their triangle button.
This is it Jesus thought. This will determine the judgment of the world. He noticed Gandhi reach
into his pockets, presumably for another shot. Jesus grabbed his rocket launcher as a choir of
angels sang the song of judgment. He smiled at Gandhi with a sadistic smile.
“TO HELL WITH
YOU!” Jesus panted as he watched the rocket’s trajectory. Bam! Gandhi was on the ground
bleeding profusely. I’ve won, Jesus thought. He fired a victory shot into the air before falling to
his knees in prayer. It seemed he had won the final judgment.
“Oh my god that is so not fair!” Mark pouted.
“Looks like Jesus is just better,
” Sean teased.
Mark attempted a smile, but he was honestly a little frustrated at losing.
“But seriously though,
”
Sean continued,
“I had a great time! This was the perfect date.
” “Well then I’m glad you liked it!”
Mark kissed his boyfriend on the cheek and brushed his beautiful hair.
“How about we play this
again sometime. But for now… Maybe I can give you my own version of freedom.
” Mark
winked as seductively as he possibly could. Sean smiled.
“Only if I get to cast final judgment.
”