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Eddie all but staggered out of the lift and up to Buck’s door after the shift from hell, the morning after she had stopped by the station and apparently cursed them.
He had been sceptical of course – and he still was – but even he had to admit that that had been a lot of calls, and mainly nuisance calls at that.
There hadn’t been a moment to rest, and part of him regretted coming here at all, let alone after that shift. All he really wanted was to collapse into bed and perhaps sleep for the next week, but… well. He and Buck needed to talk.
And after some of the things that the others had been saying about her on shift…
OK, he got that they were pissed, that they felt like she had ‘cursed’ them – and he could absolutely see that being something she would believe in, and therefore doing on purpose because she was (very obviously, and he had only been beginning to get an inkling as to why) angry with them or at least some of them – but… Well, after the conversation they had had the morning of the tsunami (if it could even be called a conversation) Eddie had his doubts whether any of it had been meant in fun or whether they were actually serious.
He was feeling some small curls of shame that he too had found himself making some comments, ‘conforming to the herd’ as he thought he heard her voice whisper in his head. He was angry at himself for feeling ashamed, but he was angrier at Buck for doing this to them all, for not just saying whatever the hell her problem was.
Seriously, could she not just suck it up?!
(He knew deep down that that wasn’t fair, but he was exhausted, and angry, and it was easier to be angry at her than to face what was really the issue. Well – issues, plural.)
Eddie knocked on the door harder than he had intended, internally berating himself as he had not come here with the intention of being angry, but that feeling had just grown and grown on the elevator ride up.
The door swung open as he was reaching to insert his key in the lock, and he was met with Buck – one eyebrow arched and an unimpressed look on her face. “Well hello to you too. No need to batter my door down.” Her eyes fell on the key still in his hand posed to unlock the door, and she scowled. When she raised her head to look at him again, her gaze was cold. “Yeah, I’ll be having that back. You abuse it, your lose it.” She held out a hand expectantly, but all he could do was stare at her blankly.
That…was not at all what he would have expected, and he felt an unexpected surge of… well, loss hit him. Was it…was it really so devastating to be asked to return a key to an apartment that wasn’t even him own?
Her gaze softened slightly, apparently reading something in his expression as she sighed and took a step back to let him come in.
She still took the key from his unresisting hand. “Doesn’t have to be forever, Eddie. But I really don’t think we’re in a place where I’m comfortable with your having a key. Don’t worry, yours isn’t the only one I’ll be getting back. Not that I entirely trust anyone will give them back when I ask for it – or that no one has made themself another copy – so I’m letting you know now that I’m changing the lock.”
“What,” He paused, licking suddenly dry lips with an equally dry tongue that did nothing to wet them. “What do your mean, we’re not in a place?”
She looked at him almost pityingy. “Come on Eddie, we’re barely friends right now. Surely you’ve realised that? I’ve barely seen or heard from you in ages, and when I have it’s been to be taken advantage of as a free babysitter and you racing out the door as soon as you can. You can have your key back too if you like.”
Eddie flinched almost violently at that, taking even himself by surprise. Shit, this wasn’t happening! How…how had he not realised how far apart they had become?! He had looked back through his messages sporadically over the last few days, and…well, Buck had reached out multiple times.
Only for Eddie to rebuff her or turn the conversation to Christopher each and every time. Hell, sometimes he had even just left her on read!
So…so this distance, he knew he had a big hand in it.
It had scared him, how much he had come to rely on Buck over his time at the 118, both in the field and in life in general. True, he had pulled back a little when Shannon had reentered the picture – she hadn’t been thrilled with this new, hot woman in her (estranged) husband’s and son’s lives, nor that her son adored Buck so much. But he hadn’t pulled back that far – or at least, he hadn’t meant to.
Then Shannon had died, and Buck…
Buck had been crushed, had nearly died in a bombing meant for Bobby of all people. Seeing her lying there, pinned and unable to get to her, to help her… It had been awful. The thought of her being gone.
So, yeah, Eddie hadn’t dealt with that well – not on top of everything else.
He had swung by a few times, offered lifts to the hospital, but he just… it was too much. Seeing her in that cast, knowing how much pain she was in, how close to losing her they had come… He hadn’t been able to cope.
(Not that he would ever admit that…)
So… He had pulled back. He knew he had, and even as he had been doing it – though it had not been entirely a conscious decision – he had known it was a dick move. That she was stuck in her apartment alone, and that she would have welcomed his company.
He had thought the others had been swinging by regularly.
From careful questions over the last couple of shifts and some things Buck herself had said, he had a feeling that that wasn’t true.
And yes, they all had lives – it wasn’t as if they could devote every minute of every day to her!
But… Buck wouldn’t have asked for that, would she? No, just…calling her up now and again, asking her how she was doing – actually listening, rather than giving unsolicited advice and empty platitudes, that would have gone a long way. No how difficult it was for him – for any of them.
He was standing right in front of her, barely two feet apart, and yet he felt like there were oceans between them the distance suddenly felt so great..
“I – I, no. No, I’d… I’d like you to keep a copy. Um, just - if that’s OK?”
She smiled slightly, and he allowed himself, for one brief moment, to feel a little bit of hope. Maybe their friendship wasn't completely irreparable after all. “Of course it’s OK, Eddie. I don’t want to lose our friendship, you know? But I can’t go on like this. I can’t trust that you – that any of you – won’t just show up and start berating me, trying to force your own narratives onto me. Especailly not with what’s likely to be coming. It’s exhausting, Eds, and changing my locks will give me that little bit of extra time before any of you, oh, I don’t know, wake me up and try to turf me out of bed while making assumptions about me staying there for a whole damn week.”
Eddie grimaced. “Yeah, I … that was a dick move. Sorry about that.”
She smiled, just a little but it was a smile nonetheless. Nothing like her usual sunshine bright ones, but a smile and for him. “You want a drink? You look like you’re about to keel over,” A grin danced around the corners of her lips, and she asked innocently, “Rough shift?”
He scowled at that, the anger flaring once more. “Dios mio, that bloody curse bullshit! What, you did that on purpose?!”
She shrugged, looking utterly unrepentant. “I did, yes. Petty, perhaps, but I felt and still feel fully justified. I take it they were telling you stories? I wouldn’t have pegged you as believing in curses.”
He snorted. “I don’t. But yeah, they told me about the curse. About how you were the one to bring it on them last time as well. But how they got karmic justice when you got stuck with the fire suppression system going off,” He smirked slightly, just remembering thinking of that image.
Buck’s eyes, though, they had gone cold again and her voice was cool as she replied, “Yes, I’m sure it was hilarious to hear all about how I was trapped in a room rapidly filling with toxic fumes and they did nothing to help get me out; in fact, they stood and laughed. Wonderful examples of first responders, aren’t they?”
“They did WHAT?!” An angry voice preceded a tall, tanned man coming round the stairs into view. Eddie blinked; he hadn’t realised there was anyone else here, nor had he even considered the possibility. “Tell me they were reprimanded!”
Buck snorted. “Of course they weren’t, what would you expect? Relax Hangman, I took myself to the hospital as soon as my shift finished; got my stomach pumped and kept overnight for observation. I’m honestly fine,” She added, seeing the strangers evident worry. “I’ve had worse.”
“Really not a ringing reassurance, Buck.”
Eddie, meanwhile, had paled, and she had noticed. “What?” She snarked. “Hadn’t thought of the potentially lethal consequences, had you? No, nor had your paramedics or sainted captain. Great, aren’t they?”
“I - no. No, I hadn’t. Honestly, Buck, they told it like it was a funny story!”
“Mm. Yes well, they would wouldn’t they. You want that drink or not? We just made a fresh pot of coffee.” She walked off towards her kitchen, and he followed her in a daze.
The stranger – Hangman? – trailed after them and took a seat at the counter, eyeing Eddie with what he could only describe as distrust.
He scowled at the man, unable to help from snapping; “What?” He demanded. “What the hell is your problem?”
The other man merely – annoyingly – smirked. “You really think you’re in any position to be getting bratty there, Diaz? Yeah, I know who you are. And my problem, as you so eloquently put it, is that I don’t trust you.”
“You don’t know anything about me!”
“Jake.” Buck’s voice was firm, and Eddie looked round to see her meeting Hangman – Jake’s – gaze levelly. He felt as if they had an entire conversation with their eyes, and he felt an irritating pang of jealousy. That had been their thing, he and Buck!
“Yeah, alright; I’ll leave him alone.” Jake apparently conceded. “But if he starts having a go at you -!”
“I’m a big girl Jakey, I can take care of myself. And no, I am not about to just let him walk all over me. I told you: I’m done taking their shit.”
“Good.” Jake was smiling at her, and Eddie was trying very hard not to be offended. “I’m proud of you, you know that?”
“Shut up,” There was an obvious flush to her cheeks that Buck had tried to quickly turn away to hide, busying herself with getting three mugs out.
“No, I’m serious. We all are. You’re too forgiving Ghost, it’s about damn time you let them actually face some consequences for their actions towards you.”
That didn’t sound ominous at all…
Buck turned back to the table, handing out mugs with a pensive frown on her face and pouring them coffee in silence. She moved to the fridge, silently passing over the milk and then – had she just put a spoonful of butter in her coffee?!
Okaaaay, not the weirdest thing he had ever seen her do, but still pretty far up there. He decided it was probably better not to ask.
Eventually she looked up, meeting Eddie’s tired gaze again and sighing. “Why are you here, Eddie? I would have assumed you’d want to sleep off the shift before Chis gets home from school.”
Eddie sighed heavily, and shifted a little uncomfortably on his stool. “Yeah, I.. I kinda do. But – well, we said we needed to talk, right? And I… Last shift, it kinda made me think we need to do it soon or…”
“Or we won’t, and we’ll keep putting it off until eventually we just… don’t at all?”
Eddie grimaced, “Yeah. Yeah, that I guess. I… You were right. I’ve been a shitty friend lately.”
“I never said that.”
“Glad you can admit it.”
“Zip it Hangman!”
“You didn’t have to,” Eddie smiled slightly at the byplay, trying not to get annoyed at the idiot butting in but instead focus on Buck. “Well – you kind of did have to point it out for me to realise, but still. I've just… I’ve been so wrapped up in my own shit –”
“Understandably, and I would never hold that against you Eddie, I know what happened -”
“I would.”
“Hangman.”
“Yeah, but even through everything, you’ve tried to be there for me. And I’ve just been blowing you off, or, or, using you as a free babysitter! Hell, I was thinking about cutting off contact between you and Chris now that Carla’s back to not trigger him!”
Her eyes widened at that, and he thought there was genuine panic in her eyes. And it suddenly occurred to him that, if Chris was having nightmares of the extremely traumatic event the two of them had lived through together, then she probably was too.
Shit. Why hadn’t he considered that? Hell, Eddie was having nightmares, and he wasn’t even the one who was on the pier when it was hit, nor was he the one who had looked after his son all day.
No, he had just kept on about his business, working as a first responder which was, alright, horrific in such events, but blissfully unaware of the danger two of the most important people in his life – he could admit it – were in. Hell, he had been more worried about Lena than his own son! (The fact that he hadn’t even known they were at the pier that day did not make this any better or excusable, in his opinion.)
“I won’t!” He hurried to assure her, “I just… I thought it might trigger him, you know? He’s been having nightmares, and screaming for you, and…”
“You thought seeing me would send him back there.” She said quietly, hurt but understanding in her voice. “That why you haven’t been by with him since the day after? Why you haven’t contacted me or answered?”
“I…I guess? I just… I…I don't want to need help, you know?”
“Lotta ‘I’s in there, buddy. Funny, I always thought there was no ‘I’ in team.”
Buck ignored her… friend’s? Interruption? Who the hell was the guy, anyway? But it made Eddie freeze, even as she studied him shrewdly. “Your parents called, didn’’t they.”
It wasn't even a question, was the thing.
He still winced. “...Yeah. They weren't exactly thrilled Chris was caught in a tsunami of all things. Tried to blame it on my parenting.”
“Sure, ‘cause you caused an natural disaster. That makes sense.” She rolled her eyes, “You know they’re wrong, right? It wasn’t your fault.”
It was his turn to gaze at her shrewdly, remembering back to the morning after that horrible day when she had been beating herself up that the two of them had even been there, let alone that they had got separated before she found him again. “I could say the same to you, you know. You didn’t cause the tsunami. It was not your fault.”
She winced, and looked about to protest, but Hangman – Jake – whatever the hell his name was was glowering at her. “Ghost, for God’s sake. I cannot believe I am saying this about anything, but I agree with Diaz: you are not to blame, so do not even start!”
“If we hadn’t gone to the pier -”
“Nuh uh. Was there advance warning of the tsunami?”
“No, but -”
“Can you predict the future?”
“Obviously not -”
“Did you have any way of knowing a tsunami would hit that of all days?”
“Well no, but -”
“But nothing. It is not your fault, and you are not to blame. Just like it is not your fault Nash is playing God.”
Eddie blinked at that, surprised. What…the hell as that all about? He had been in complete agreement with the man until that last comment had thrown him a curve ball. “Wait – what? What's Bobby doing?”
Buck sighed, eyeing him almost warily for a moment before she replied, while Hangman studied him with a hard, distrustful gaze. “What’s he told you all about me coming back to work?”
“That you can’t yet – that you’re not cleared. And Buck, I know you want to, but you cannot push -”
“I am, though.” She interrupted, while Hangman glared harder. “And for the record, that is exactly the kind of unsolicited, unwanted ‘advice’ I was talking about earlier. I have not been pushing anything, I have followed my specialist team of doctors orders to the letter. Or are you about to claim that you know better than them?”
Eddie knew better than to argue that point, especially when she was giving him that look. “Well, no, I don’t think that. But Maddie said –”
“Maddie said,” Buck snarled, and that wasn’t something he thought he had ever seen her do before, slamming her coffee cup down on the counter with a scoff. “I repeat, Diaz, since apparently you need the refresher: Maddie knows fuck all about what is going on with me, because she doesn’t care to listen. Whatever she’s told you lot, I wouldn’t believe it if I were you. She is not my medical proxy, hell, she’s not even listed as my next of kin! She has no legal way to get any information on my medical status, and I know for a fact that she has not asked me, nor has she listened when I have tried to tell her.”
Eddie blinked. That… was not at all the impression he had got from Chim and and his complaints about Buck from Maddie, but it did tie in with what she had said the other day, now didn’t it…
“...Oh.”
“‘Oh’, he says,” Hangman snorts. “Diaz, has it really never occurred to you to actually ask Buck what is going on with her instead of relying on hearsay?”
Eddie squirmed uncomfortably. “Of course it has, but…”
“Frequent topic of conversation at the station, is it?” Buck snorted, bitterness seeping into her voice. “Let me guess: Chimney in particual has been prattling on, all about what I'm doing wrong, and how I should just listen to Maddie, no? Whispering in Bobby's ear and no doubt feeding his delusions.”
“...delusions?”
She looked at him pityingly. “I’m cleared to work, Eddie. By everyone. Even with the blood thinners – which, by the way, the clots are not a result of any wrongdoing on my part, no matter what my sister has been spreading around!”
“Mm, if you feel like being of any help, you might want to correct the next person who mentions it around you.” Hangman interjected, watching the situation unfold in front of him. “If Maddie isn’t careful, she’s going to end up sued for defamation of character at the very least by the end of this.”
“The end of this? The end of what?” Eddie was baffled, and more than a little unsettled by the… well, frankly ominous hints that kept getting dropped but never expanded on before some other tangent was headed down.
Buck sighed, looking suddenly absolutely exhausted as she slumped against the counter, staring down at it for a long few moments before looking up to meet his gaze again. “I said I’m cleared to return to work, yes?”
“Yeah… Bobby told us you’re not, though?”
“Bobby is lying. I don’t know why, but he is. He’s not letting me return to the 118, and he’s blocked me when I’ve tried to request a transfer – oh don’t give me that look, I need to work to earn some form of income! With my being cleared to work and fully recertifying, my disability pay has stopped. Not only is he blocking me returning, he’s trying to push me into a desk job – which, in case you need the reminded, is incrediably dangerous when you’re on blood thinners due to the risk of blood clots.”
Eddie paled at that, having been about to open his mouth to ask why she wans’t just taking the job. Why she wasn’t just being safe. “A desk job would cause more…”
“Exactly. I told you I would give him one last chance to rectify his behaviour or at the very least admit what he is doing. You saw him yesterday, he’s still lying and blaming the Brass. So I went to the department, got a meeting with Chief Alonzo himself since the Union and HR have been just as unhelpful. I am done taking their shit, and believe me, I have put up with a lot of it from that station for the past couple of years. So you’ll be informed of it soon enough I’m sure, though please, you can’t tell anyone you heard it from me first. And I’d really rather you didn’t tell anyone… well, any of this, to be honest. Alonzo wanted to know what was going on, to be walked through everything from the bombing to today from my perspective. So I told him, and he was concerned – angry – enough that he’s launched an investigation.”
Eddie sat there, dumbfounded. He hadn’t thought anything was bad enough that it would need an investigation… Surely, letting firefighters in was at the captains discretion? If… If Bobby didn’t want Buck, then couldn’t the chief just assign her somewhere else? Hell, Alonzo could send her back to the 118! It wasn’t as if Bobby could counteract orders from Alonzo, after all… Not that he wanted Buck to transfer, but he knew from experience what hell it was trying to keep a roof over your head on minimum income, especially in L.A. – hell, back in El Paso he had worked three jobs just to keep himself and Chris afloat.
But if she could maybe work somewhere where she could keep active, and then come back after Alonzo found out why Bobby was saying she wasn’t ready?
Yeah, that could work… Right?
“Why an investigation, though? Surely Alonzo could just… reinstate you, if you’re cleared?”
She looked at him almost pityingly. “Yes, I’m cleared. And yet, Bobby’s word seems to have been final. You don’t find it strange that the desk job suggestion wasn’t killed at several levels? Why HR was encouraging me to take it? Incidentally, that’s what caused Alonzo himself to meet with us.”
“...Huh?”
“Jake here helped me get a lawyer. She’s pretty scary.”
“A lawyer? What do you need a lawyer for?!”
“Getting my job back, for starters? Also, she’s suing the hospital for the false report Maddie got them to provide me, and for not warning about the blood clots in the first place. It’s… a whole thing,” She waved off his gaping mouth as he moved to start asking more questions. “Anyway, I asn’t getting anywhere with the Union or HR, I just kept getting teh same bullshit. So Amelia – the lawyer – she ended up getting us a meeting.”
“How’d she do it?”
“Told them they were opening themselves up to a whole host of lawsuits, up to and including attempted murder.”
“Attempted murder?!”
“Yeah. Anyway, she said if they continued to refuse to speak to me or look into my case, then she would sue but the she was willing to work with them first. Alonzo himself must have got wind of it, I certainly didn't expect to be meeting with him of all people.”
“When… when did you have this meeting? Have you had it?”
“Yeah, we went yesterday. After I stopped by the station. Like I said: Bobby had one last chance. Look, it’s not like I wanted to go down the route. But I had no choice. And I swear to God Diaz, if tell me I should have ‘sucked it up’ I will kick you out!”
Eddie, who was about to ask her just why she couldn’t have done that, snapped his mouth shut under the force of her glare.
“I have been sucking it up. I have been trying to move on. No one has been letting me! So no. I will not suck it up anymore. I will fight, Goddammit, and I will do it alone if I have to because God knows none of you have shown that you’ll have my back in this. No, you’re all just listening to Maddie and giving me empty platitudes and lectures to ‘take it easy’ and ‘have patience, you need to heal’ – that is, when you deign to have any contact with me at all!”
Eddie wanted to be mad, wanted to scream and rage and argue against all that, but…
Well. She was kind of right, wasn’t she? He had just been listening to Maddie – through Chimney – listening to Bobby when he said she wasn’t ready, that she was taking it too fast.
He hadn’t been listening to Buck.
…Hangman had been right, earlier. There had been a lot of ‘I’s in his excuses earlier.
And yes, there had been a lot of ‘I’s in Buck’s narrative now, but he had asked, and she wasn’t giving excuses.
She was explaining why she had had to go above Bobby’s head; that it was Bobby holding her back, causing her financial difficulties if he was reading between the lines correctly.
And hell, that was never a good thing, especially not in a city as expensive as L.A.
Somewhere in the last few months, there had occurred a disconnect between he and who had rapidly been becoming his best friend, and his son’s favourite person in the world.
Eddie had a feeling that the coming days were going to be a deciding time. Would they repair their friendship – or would they let all this come between them?
Hangman appeared to be reading his thought.
“I supposed it depends which category you want to fall under,” He suddenly spoke up, voice little more than a murmur. “Friend?”
Eddie felt as if the man could see right into his soul, it was disconcerting.
“Or foe?”
Added wee snippet I wanted to fit in but didn’t quite get around to:
“A shit ton of therapy. Which would benefit Chris – he’s eight, and he has been through so much in his short life.
“And, honestly, Eds… You kinda need it too.”
“I do not need therapy!”
“You really do mate, and I’ve only been around you a few minutes.”
“Hangman I swear to God, if you do not keep the commentary to yourself or at least helpful -!”