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Buck had drunk most of the bottle of beer in his hand before either of them said a single word to each other.
“You broke up.”
Buck just nodded, still numb from the last words that Tommy had said to him before he softly closed the door.
“I’ll see you around, Buck.”
“What happened? Was it the Abby thing or...?”
Buck shook his head this time. It sounded fucking insane when he thought about it. The fact that his boyfr- ex- boyfriend had been the same Tommy that had broken Abby's heart, leading her straight to him, changing his life forever. That they’d both loved the same woman, albeit in a completely different way. The way Maddie had said it, it sounded like some sordid thing that only happened on those trashy daytime shows that he used to watch when he was skipping school. Jerry Springer or some such shit. But it wasn’t like that at all. It was just a coincidence.
“He said...” Buck started, then stopped when he actually turned to look at Eddie for probably the first time since he’d arrived. The first time that he’d been conscious of it anyway. “You shaved it off.”
“Yeah.” Eddie replied quietly, “I shaved it off.”
“And you don’t have pants on.”
“No, I don’t, I was...you know what, not important right now, what happened?” He asked for the second time.
What had happened? That was the question. It had happened so fast, one minute he was asking Tommy to move in with him, the next Tommy was halfway out the door.
“Did you just break up with me?”
“He said...” Buck let out a weary sigh. “He said that he couldn’t be my first and my last, that I would break his heart.” His words were slow and deliberate, and Eddie didn’t say a word. No ‘what an asshole’, no ‘you were too good for him’, no ‘I never liked him much anyway’. Nothing. Just silence.
“But I wouldn’t, Eddie. I couldn’t do that to him.” He whispered, a tear now rolling down his cheek, the enormity of it all hitting him like a fucking freight train running at full speed. “I love him.”
He realized he’d never said those words out loud, nor had he heard them, but it was there. It was in the air around them, it was in everything they did. Small things, like the way Tommy had insisted on going to the hospital after Denny had been hurt. Or dressed up in his best suit to try and make peace with a cursed mummy. And even just in gentle touches, lazy kisses in the morning before the alarm yelled at them to get up, the way that they could look at each other and just smile. Everywhere. And he had been so certain that Tommy felt that too, because how could he not?
“I love him.” The words caught in the back of his throat, and came out a half-choked sob. A warm hand landed on his back and rubbed it gently as the sobs kept coming. “And I don’t know how to make this right. Can I make it right? I mean, how do I make him believe me?”
“I don’t know.” Eddie admitted. He knew, or at least he thought he knew, why Tommy had felt the need to do this. He was running, terrified of being left again, thinking that if he left, it wouldn’t hurt as much. Get out before he fell too deep, get out before he felt like he was drowning. He’d confessed months ago, before he’d even started seeing Buck, that his love life hadn’t been all that great since he came out. Except for one guy, who left him high and dry after two years, no one had ever lasted longer than six months. And honestly, Eddie hadn’t thought that much about it, but now it was sounding like a massive red flag. He should have seen it coming, but the two of them seemed so happy, so settled...
A buzzing came from the fireplace, and Eddie glanced up at his phone.
“Hey, let’s get you some water.” He said quietly, pulling his best friend into him before standing up and grabbing his phone, then heading to the kitchen. Opening the fridge, he pulled out the water jug, then two glasses, and settled them on the counter before finding Tommy’s name and pressing the green call icon.
It rang out, eventually going to voicemail. So, he hung up and dialled again. And then again. The fifth time, finally, it rang twice, then there was a silence on the line.
“Tommy?” Eddie asked quietly. There was only sniffing on the line for a few seconds before a weary voice came from the other end.
“Eddie, I don’t want to talk.” Another sniff.
“Tough, because you’re going to have to.” Eddie retorted, but there was no reply, and pulling the phone away from his ear, he realised that Tommy had hung up. “ Hijo de puta.” He muttered under his breath, jabbing at the phone to call again. Three rings this time.
“I said I didn’t want to talk.” He almost growled.
“And I said you’re going to.” Eddie challenged, matching his tone. “Because right now I have a grown man crying on my couch because you broke his heart.”
“Broke his...he doesn’t love me, Eddie, he can’t.”
“He seems to be under that impression.” Footsteps plodded down the hall, and Eddie froze until the bathroom door closed. “What the Hell were you thinking?” He hissed, walking towards the doorway and peering out. “You can’t do this to him, Tommy.”
“I didn’t mean to hurt him.” The man sounded so much younger than his 40 years, and the waver in his voice told Eddie that he was crying again. “I can’t...I can’t risk this. I can’t risk my heart again, because-”
“Because you think he’ll leave you?” Eddie supplied, receiving a small “mmm” in reply. “And somehow running away is better? How has that worked for you so far?” OK, so that was a little mean, but nothing else was getting through to him. “How could you do this to him?” The toilet flushed, and Eddie knew he didn’t have much time left, Buck would be through in a few seconds, and when he was in this mood, well, it’d turn into them not talking to each other either. “We’re coming over.”
“Wait-” Hanging up just as the bathroom door opener, he leapt to the counter, grabbing the glass of water and passing it to Buck.
“Drink up, we’re going out.” Eddie announced. Buck looked at him confused.
“I can’t...I don’t want to.” He mumbled. “Why do we need to go out?” And if he sounded like a petulant teenager at that moment, well, he didn’t really care. He was hurt, he couldn’t go home, because he’d only stare at the door and replay everything in his head again. Nope, this is where he was staying. Here was safe, warm, comforting.
“We are going to fix this.” Nope, that wasn’t happening, and Buck shook his head vehemently. Tommy had made himself quite clear when he left. That “see you around” was pretty final. He tried to explain that to Eddie, but he was gone, presumably off to find a pair of pants (although, if Buck had been a little less broken, he’d probably have enjoyed seeing him without them...what? Eddie had nice legs, he was only human after all).
He came back in record time, changed out of the shirt into a more comfortable t-shirt, sweatpants and hoodie. Nodding towards the hall, Buck shook his head again.
“I can’t change his mind, Eddie. He obviously doesn’t feel the same way. Maybe it’s better this way.” Maybe he could move on. He’d had his heart shattered before, Abby pretty much stamped on it years ago, but he got better, he healed, and he could do it again. It’d hurt like Hell, but it’d be fine. He could find someone else. There was a whole world of possibilities out there, after all.
“Buck, I you know I can’t force you, but please, trust me on this.” Eddie’s eyes were wide and pleading, and Buck almost, almost said no again. But instead, he took two steps out of the kitchen, Eddie following behind him. He trusted his partner implicitly, had done for years, and whether it turned out good or bad, he knew that Eddie would be right there behind him through it all.
---
The house looked even more imposing at night. Buck had never really looked at it from this angle before, but sitting there, staring at it from the passenger seat, it looked huge and unwelcoming, a stark contrast to the interior, which felt as homely as it could, considering it belonged to one single man.
“You can do this.” Eddie nudged Buck ever so slightly, and Buck swallowed nervously. “I’ll be right here, waiting.”
“You’re not coming?”
“Not my place, man. You need to do this yourself. Without me.” Buck nodded, and silently climbed out of the car, trudging slowly to the front door, then hesitating before ringing the doorbell. As usual, it echoed through the house for a millisecond before the barking started.
“Milo, shush.” He heard Tommy call, and instantly, the 80lb German Shepherd let out a whine of protest, then sprinted to the front door, his claws clacking on the hardwood below him.
Slowly the door opened, and Buck forced himself to look at the man in front of him. He looked terrible, probably as terrible as Buck himself looked. His eyes were red-rimmed and bloodshot, his previously perfect hair was sticking up at angles, and he honestly looked like he was about to burst into tears again. Slowly, Milo slinked over to Buck and nudged his hand, something he would never have done six months ago. He was so protective of his owner that it took around three weeks before he even let Buck touch him, and another two before he felt comfortable enough to lay beside him on the couch, his chin resting on Buck’s legs as he slept.
“Hey boy.” Buck’s voice wavered, burying his hands into the soft fur at the top of his head. Milo pulled away, though, and in one swift movement, he was behind Buck, pushing his legs, propelling him slowly towards the house. “OK, OK, I’m coming.” He let out a small chuckle and took two steps forward until he and Tommy were standing face to face.
“Evan.” Tommy whispered, closing the door with a click.
“I thought it was Buck.” Buck muttered petulantly, making Tommy run his fingers through his hair for what was probably the thousandth time in around three hours.
“Yeah, OK, I deserved that.” Tommy conceded, watching as Buck walked further into the house towards the living room, Milo hot on his heels. “Buck, I...”
“Why?” Buck cut him off, spinning around. “I mean, I know asking you to move in was probably a little hasty, but you broke up with me over some bullshit reason. Twice, if I remember correctly.” His voice got louder towards the end, and Milo took a step towards his owner. “I loved you, Tommy. I still do, and I really don’t understand why you would do this to me, to us.” Feeling his voice crack and tears prick his eyes, he screwed them shut and tightened his jaw. “If you didn’t love me, if you didn’t see a future with me, you should have just said so, because that would have hurt less.”
That was a lie right there, but Tommy didn’t need to know that.
“I do love you, Evan. Jesus, I’m so in love with you. You...I meant everything I said, you are beautiful, funny, sweet, impulsive, kind...I was so lucky to have you come into my life, even if just for a little while. You are far too good for me, I’m a fucking mess, and you’d have realised that eventually. Walking out that door was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, but I had to. I wanted everything with you, but I was terrified. I couldn’t risk my heart when in the back of my head I knew that you’d leave me.” His voice was quiet, and Buck opened his eyes and stared at him.
“You do not get to make that decision for both of us. Because yeah, OK, you were my first, but I want to be your last. I want forever with you, and I know it’s only been six months, but I want to be with you. And if you’re not ready for anything more than what we had, you can take as much time as you need, but you need to stop running. Not everyone leaves, I’m not planning on going anywhere unless it’s with you by my side.” A hopeful expression crossed his face, and Tommy instinctively raised his hand to Buck’s cheek, cupping it, his thumb brushing against the rough stubble that had started to come through.
“OK.” Tommy eventually replied. “OK.”
That was all it took for Buck to lean in and press his lips against the older man’s, a hand grasping his bicep firmly, scared that he was going to disappear right in front of his eyes. Tears mixed together, dripping onto their t-shirts, but neither of them cared. Pulling away, their heads still joined, they stared into each other’s eyes for what seemed like an eternity before Buck spoke.
“No more running, no more pushing me away, got it?” He said firmly. Tommy could only nod in reply. “Good. Now can we get to bed? I’m exhausted.”
“Aren’t you forgetting something?” Tommy asked, an amused smile playing on his lips, and seeing Buck’s confused expression, he nodded out the window to where Eddie was still sat in his car.
“Oh, yeah.” He practically ran outside, Milo following behind him (and secretly Tommy thought that might be because he didn’t want him to leave), all the way to the car. And eventually, Tommy caught Eddie’s eye and mouthed “thank you” at him, earning him a subtle nod from the other man. And he made a vow to himself that he’d finally stop running. After all, why would he want to risk losing his Evan again? That would be totally insane.