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'I don't think I could ever love you.'
Those were the words she wouldn't say.
But the important part was what came after.
The addendum.
'I don't think I could ever love you like I loved him.'
And that was a good thing.
It brought her peace the first time her lips found his in the dark. When he moaned into her mouth like the foundations of an old home resettling. When he clenched the hair on the back of her head just a bit too hard. When her hands shook with the strength of whatever she was feeling. Need? Guilt? Pleasure? Nerves? All of it probably applied. Never wanting it more as his knee gentled between her thighs. Giving her something to move against as the wall took their weight with ill grace.
Emmett wasn't Lee.
He never would be.
He never could be.
But Emmett was-
He was looking at her like that.
In a way Lee had never done.
And she told herself that was okay too.
Lee had been her first everything. Her first crush. Her high school sweetheart. Her husband. The father of her children. The man who loved them. The man who had given his life to protect them.
But Emmett was-
She didn't think anyone could love someone the same way, not after that kind of loss. Someone who wouldn't be here - like this - unless Lee was gone. She'd never asked, but she knew he felt the same. Nora had been a good woman. She'd brought over a couple of casseroles when Regan had been born, years before her own kids had come along.
She'd always meant to return the favor, but by then she'd had Marcus, then Beau and everything seemed too much to even try. The pang of guilt every time they'd run into each other downtown inevitably got swallowed by busy lives and tight schedules.
It hurt that Nora had died here, in this horrible place. She'd outlived her children just long enough for the hurt to root. Knowing that Emmett would be alone when she was gone. It hurt that because of all that, they'd landed square in Emmett's lap.
Any other time, any other life, none of this would have happened. If Lee hadn't died, they would still be at the farm. Or they would have found somewhere else. A thousand other decisions could have been made. And even if they had come here, they would have moved on or maybe Emmett might have joined them. But not like this.
She inhaled sharply. Silently. But somehow still loud when prickly stubble rashed down her neck. Making him still. Breathing hard into her collarbone. The air stayed silent, but it took more than a minute for him to come back from wherever they both went in moments like that. That animal place where everything was heightened and the tendons in the back of your ankles threatened to cramp. Ready to run. To fight. To freeze. She sighed, only loud enough for him to hear, when his mouth went back to her throat. Lips tugging into a smile when he made a desperate sound in return.
And Emmett was-
Even then he'd still tried to turn them away. More like a wounded dog than anything. They couldn't stay. There wasn't enough food. Water. They weren't his. His. Except he'd saved them anyway. Scooping up her babies and making a run for the only safe space he had left.
Actions spoke louder than words.
The only exception was the echo of Lee's scream in the field. She could still hear it sometimes. Like a ghost stuck in the wind. She knew on some level she always would.
And Emmett was-
But the thing was, she knew. The moment she told him to show his face? She knew this was home. She didn't know that months later they would start trading glances. Touches. More. But she did know he wouldn't make them leave. Just like she knew when she pleaded with him to go after Regan that he would. Some thing's were easy and some things were hard. But some things that were hard were also easy to figure. And someone like Emmett was much the same.
Words like hope and the future were loaded things, but they were powerful.
Emmett could be theirs.
She wanted that more than anything.
She could admit that much.
He brought her back the moment his hand slipped under her skirt and brushed her mound. She looked up, lip crushed between her teeth, only to find him waiting for her. Desperate politeness was the only thing on the tip of her tongue – made even more real considering his cock was digging into her thigh. So, she didn’t make him wait. They didn’t have that kind of time. They probably never would. But she did let him bring her even closer, whispering a hazy: “yes,” as the silence threatened to speak for itself.
The dark was just another layer when she tipped her head back - opening for him as her thighs glided wet. Eager. Hungry. And the metal rush of his zipper melded with the wind. She felt the air chill across her teeth, tangling their fingers over her head as he breathed unsteadily. Hiking her up until his cock nudged her center, too close to be anything other than clumsy before he suddenly cleaved into her.
She bit into the fat of her cheek.
Yes.
She felt his groan.
She didn’t hear it.
She felt it.
His head bowed – humid against hers. Breathing shakily. Lulling her with the unspoken power of the moment before thick fingers snuck between them. Finding her clit far too easily for her to rationalize as the world condensed down to two simple truths. They had to keep silent. And her body was singing.
She’d never felt so reckless.
And Emmett was- he was more alive than he'd ever been to her.
More alive than when they'd all been really living.
She knew how that sounded.
It was ugly and wrong.
But, somehow, it was his best look.