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Bruce does not leave Gotham unless absolutely necessary. You may think this is because of his unwavering loyalty to his people, or perhaps a sense of personal responsibility to the integrity of the city itself, or quietly-hidden fear of what uncontested villainy could be capable of even in a few days out from under his watchful eye.
No. The real reason is because his children are fucking nutcases and can’t be left alone for a second.
When the Justice League was called to the far reaches of the solar system to stop an impending threat that would likely result in the extinction of the universe and reality as we know it, Bruce was hesitant to go. It was only after much consoling from Alfred and cajoling from the other heroes that he begrudgingly agreed to head off on the space-faring mission. He put Dick in charge (which all of his children agreed was a terrible idea) and left Gotham in the hands of the eight little bats. Admittedly, they were capable hands, nearly all grown adults, but he still left behind a list of things to keep in mind.
The first thing on the list was the matter of the Batmobile.
That slick, sexy black convertible was the first love of each and every Wayne child. Her leather seats soft and pliable, the inviting blue glow of her back thrusters, the shine of the laser-guided missile cannons under the headlights. God, she was beautiful. And she was, undoubtedly, Bruce’s favorite child.
When he was gone, he specifically stated that yes, the Batmobile could be driven. But only by those who actually had a legal license.
Of the eight, that was only three. Dick, Tim, and Duke. Stephanie had gotten hers revoked several times for reckless driving, Jason didn’t care for the laws, Cassandra was faster on foot, Barbara just didn’t patrol, and Damian was a child.
(That’s not to say he didn’t try to drive the Batmobile- in fact, he was the leader on the list of who could manage to steal it for a midnight drive for the longest without Bruce noticing.)
But it was those three who could drive the Batmobile without driving their father up the wall.
It was not one of those three behind the wheel that night.
Bruce had been gone for almost a week, and Gotham was eerily silent. After a rapid succession of several high-ranking villain attacks within a handful of days, the city was seeming to slumber, recovering or perhaps hibernating as they waited for their next Arkham breakout or major city-wide outbreak. However, minor villain-of-the-week criminals were still thriving, as they tended to do.
And that was how Tim Drake found himself in hot pursuit of the lamest of the lame, the one and only Condiment King.
He swore, vision blurring in agony as he frantically wiped globs of mustard from his eyelashes. You’d think a domino mask would prevent anything from getting into his eyes, but nope. Still blurry, he vaguely saw the bright silhouette of the villain flash over the rooftops, and dropped another choice swear before sprinting off the edge of the apartment building he was on and onto the next roof. The cold wind of the city night blew his hood off as he sped, but he didn’t care. Each time his feet left a roof, he felt an odd swooping sensation in his stomach, carefully avoiding looking down as grappling was never something to get too confident about. Yet even still Condiment King managed to keep a steady distance of buildings between them. Tim was losing, and badly.
Jason would never let him hear the end of this.
With a burst of energy, Tim whipped out his bo staff and began using it as a vault over gaps, rather than his grappling hook. This actually seemed to be faster, the distance between him and the villain closing by the second. Condiment King seemed to realize this, looking back with a face of fright, and aimed his mustard gun at Tim once more, shooting a blast of pure sauce that Tim could’ve dodged easily.
Could’ve, if he wasn’t mid-vault.
The mustard hit with the force of a rubber bullet, sending Tim flying backwards. He had no time to react as he hit the brick wall of the apartment building behind him, then fell forward into the wrought-iron railing of the fire escape, knocking the wind from his stomach. Then he fell some more, landing feet-first on the lid of a slick dumpster and crumpling immediately to collapse face-first onto the concrete.
Tim wheezed, rolling himself over to look up. Far off, he could hear Condiment King cackling in what must’ve been delight and no small sense of surprise at actually beating a vigilante for once. The gap between rooftops sparkled with light stars that spun and whirled as Tim tried to catch his breath, head throbbing and ribs aching.
When he finally felt centered enough to get to his feet, he immediately let out a hiss of pain as he put weight on his left ankle. When he had landed on the dumpster it had jerked at an odd angle with an ominous popping sound, and now he could feel the skin under his boots swelling a ring of red. He leaned against a nearby wall to support himself and pressed two fingers to the comms unit inside his mask.
“Oracle, are you there?”
“Always, Red.” Barbara’s voice crackled to life, echoing from where she sat halfway across the city in her cozy belfry hideout.
“I, uh, lost Condiment King.”
Barbara was silent, clearly flabbergasted by his statement. “I’m sorry, say that again?”
“Fuck off, Oracle, I know you heard me the first time.” Tim wasn’t one to swear so violently, but at this point his last nerve was stretched like a piano string and Barbara’s words were the little hammer twanging against it to create a dreadful cacophony of white-hot rage.
Light peals of laughter came through the comms, Babs obviously trying (and failing) to stifle it with a hand. “Sorry, sorry. Should I get someone else on the case?”
“No, that would be a waste of resources. It’s Condiment King, what’s he going to do anyway?” Tim shifted his stance, wincing in pain. “But I messed up my ankle and can’t grapple home. Could you send the Batmobile?”
Barbara went quiet, the sound of keyboard clicking rattling loudly. “I would, Red, but, uh, it’s out right now.”
“Out?” The Batmobile wasn’t supposed to be out. Again, the only ones allowed to drive it were Dick, Tim, and Duke. Dick was undercover at the Iceberg Lounge, and so clearly wouldn’t have Batman’s signature car around. And Duke didn’t even patrol at night, currently probably sleeping on one of Wayne Manor’s several thousand-dollar downy mattresses. “It shouldn’t be out.”
“I don’t know what to say, Red. I’m looking at its tracker right now. It’s on the move, blowing through the intersection of Baker and Troy.”
“Baker and Troy- that’s Crime Alley.” Tim couldn’t suppress a groan as he figured out exactly who had pilfered the Batmobile. “Nevermind, I can walk back.”
“No, you can’t. Suit readings indicate a hairline fracture in your left talus. I’ll call the Batmobile now.”
“He’s never going to let me live this down.” Tim groaned again, but Barbara was already gone, transferring her comms to the inside of the Batmobile and directing those inside to Tim’s location.
It took mere minutes before the telltale purr of the majestic car echoed through the streets and squealed to a stop right outside the alley. Tim just grimaced as the driver’s side window rolled down. Despite having his whole face covered with a helmet, Tim could tell that the driver had a look of smugness across his face.
“Need a lift?” Red Hood asked.
“Fuck. Off.” Tim said, using his bo staff as a cane as he hobbled towards the Batmobile. It wasn’t until he threw himself onto the backseat, supple leather filling his senses with a deep feeling of nostalgic comfort, and slammed the door behind him, that he realized Jason wasn’t alone. Sitting in the passenger’s seat, clad in vibrant purples, was none other than Spoiler.
“Hiya, Tim!” Stephanie said, looking over her shoulder. She wrinkled her nose. “You smell like a baseball stadium.”
Tim could die right then and there. His less-cool older brother and his ex-girlfriend. These were the absolute worst of the family to see him in this situation. He needed a buffer. Someone else that could defend him from the surely upcoming taunt session from these two dickheads. You know who wouldn’t tease him? Conner.
Actually, scratch that, Conner would absolutely mock him for losing to a joke villain. Ugh. The whole world was against him.
“Just don’t talk to me.” He grit his teeth as he reclined across the backseat, reaching for the first aid kit kept in the back of the seat before him. Inside was every medical tool you could think of, Bruce having experienced and seen his kids experience all non-lethal (and a few lethal) injuries under the sun. He went for a small, round tin of anti-inflammatory gel, unscrewing the lid to release a poignant scent that had both Stephanie and Jason coughing and rolling down the windows. Tim carefully unlaced the boot on his injured foot, pinching his tongue in his teeth as he eased the leather off, revealing a deep indigo ring that pulsed painfully. Definitely broken. He could get Dr. Thompkins to fix it up later, but until then, it wasn’t the most grievous of injuries. He used two fingers to smear a dollop of the gel over the bruise, and the pain stopped nearly instantly. A wrapping with a microtech bandage that fit automatically and aerodynamically around his ankle in a flexible splint, and his ankle felt almost completely normal. He could even return to patrolling if he needed to, but again, it was a slow night with no fights.
As Tim tended to his wound, Jason had started up the car, sleek slipping and sliding through Gotham’s back alleys. Despite the high speeds, Tim was pretty much still in the backseat, the Batmobile using some sort of billionaire technology that kept the interior feeling almost stationary, no lurching forward with the sudden stops or flying backwards with the abrupt accelerations. Jason reached up and used two fingers to angle the rearview mirror downward just enough that he could see Tim’s face. Noticing this, Tim looked up with a glare.
“If you want to say something, say it.” He snapped.
“I wasn’t going to say anything.” Jason replied, speeding up the Batmobile so they blasted through three red lights and a stop sign.
“You aren’t even supposed to be driving.”
Jason threw his head to the side in a way that showed his eyes rolling under the helmet. “And what are you going to do about it?”
“Don’t be a buzzkill, Tim.” Stephanie chirped up. As she did, she and Jason shared a knowing look, a look that Tim couldn’t just ignore.
“What was that? Why are you two being so petulant?”
As the car swerved around a corner, Stephanie spun around in her seat to look at Tim. “Oh, nothing. It’s just that Jay and I have a little tradition we do when we’re in the Batmobile together, but you’re a lame-o snitch soooo…”
Tim frowned. “What tradition?”
At that, Stephanie burst into a fit of giggles, and even Jason stifled a laugh. That just troubled Tim much more deeply.
“What are you two up to?!”
“Can’t say. Like Steph said, you’d just go whining to Bruce.” Jason shrugged.
Tim knew he probably would. But now he was curious, and a curious Tim unsatisfied was an extremely obnoxious and pissed-off Tim.
“I won’t! I’m tired of you guys acting like I think I’m better than you. Just because I actually show our father respect doesn’t mean I’m a suck-up.”
Stephanie looked at Jason disbelieveingly, but Jason just shrugged.
“Alright, show him.”
With a wicked grin, Stephanie turned and opened a glovebox. Inside was a lighter, a bag of crumbled plant buds, and a strangely shaped black pipe, with a round end and holes on the sides.
Then Tim realized what he was looking at.
“Oh my God.”
“It’s a slow night. We’ll just find an alleyway to park in and chill. You’re welcome to join us.” Stephanie soothed.
At that, Jason snorted. “I’m sorry, you think Replacement’s gonna smoke weed with us? Have you met him?”
Two responses bounced on the tip of Tim’s tongue. True, he’d never done any sort of drugs before, and if Bruce were to find out they were smoking in the Batmobile, the fallout would make that one time Bane put three Robins in a coma and hung them from the Batcave ceiling seem like a sweet walk in the park.
But also, he had a reputation. One he didn’t like. He was stuck-up Tim, all A’s in high school Tim, perfect precious work balance Tim, room always spotless Tim, rule-following Tim, hall monitor Tim, teacher’s pet Tim, Batman’s pet Tim. Bruce had even decided to pass over both Dick and Jason as CEO of Wayne Enterprises in favor of Tim inheriting the business, as he was the most trustworthy, the smartest, the most responsible, the most grown-up, strict Tim, suck-up Tim, prude Tim, a bitch who begged endlessly for the approval he never got from his parents and would throw his siblings under the bus for even the faintest smile from Bruce. Tim who constantly reprimanded Dick for his unserious vigilante profile. Tim who was banned from patrolling with Jason as he’d report every little bit of violence back to Bruce. Tim who was dumped by Stephanie for being too stand-offish and selfish. Tim who never hung out with Damien as the latter would always end up bored to death and would always request a change in babysitter. Tim who was a lame-o snitch. Have you met him?
“Actually, I’d love to join you.”
A flicker of shock crossed Stephanie’s face, but it was quickly replaced by a broad grin. “Hell yeah, Timmy.”
Jason’s mask betrayed no emotion, but he clearly was unsure. “Alright. You’ve never smoked, have you?”
“There’s a first time for everything.” Tim protested, suddenly realizing what he’d gotten himself into.
Jason still seemed unconvinced, but after a few more moments of driving, pulled off the road into a darkened alleyway. To one side was the greasy brick wall of a jazz club that had been shuttered since Man-Bat smashed through their front windows and in a subsequent fight had ripped much of the wall from the walls and floor from the floors. On the other side was one of the many locations for the Hole-some Dough, Gotham’s best donut shop and Tim’s personal favorite place for mid-day snack runs. Jason, with surprising care, reversed the car between the two buildings, so they had a clear view of the opening onto the road in case anyone tried to sneak up on them. Plus, it helped that straight ahead was a sidewalk and railing overlooking the Sprang River, giving them a nice and scenic backdrop of Gotham’s skyline against a violet-spotted 3AM sky.
The three unseatbelted (actually not Jason as he hadn’t buckled up in the first place) and began to make themselves comfortable in the car. Stephanie unhooked her cape and tossed it to the floor, making her costume significantly less intimidating, and pulled down her mask to reveal a broad grin as she turned around in her seat, giving Tim a little wave as she stretched out. Meanwhile, Jason tossed off his masks- both of them- and ran his fingers through his hair, fluffing it up as his iconic Red Hood tended to flatten it in a way that looked somewhat stupid. He reclined his seat slightly, with Tim quickly scooting out of the way to avoid getting his feet crushed. As the Batmobile’s purring engine slowed to silence, the car remained evenly lit by a nearby streetlight, casting a glowing orange across them. It was actually quite cozy.
“Catch!” Stephanie tossed the bag of weed to Jason, who caught it quite effortlessly considering he was sitting directly next to her. He closed all the air vents and tightened the windows, making sure that there was little airflow able to escape the car. Tim watched as he did all sorts of things he didn’t quite understand but looked quite practiced. It seemed like this had been a tradition between him and Stephanie for a long time.
“Here.” He said, passing the full pipe to Stephanie. She flicked the lighter on, pressing the flames to the buds within the rounded end, but they wouldn’t catch.
“Jesus Christ, Steph, it’s like you’ve never done this before.” Jason chuckled as he watched her struggle. This taunt seemed to be the motivation she needed because with a glare at Jason, she managed to spark embers into the weed, the plants curling in on themselves as they burned gently. She took a long drag of the pipe, then handed it to Jason. He visibly relaxed as he inhaled the smoke, something Jason never did, and turned to hand it to Tim.
“Um.” Tim looked at the pipe blankly. “I don’t, uh.”
“Here, Timmy.” Stephanie took the pipe back. “See this hole on the side? Put your thumb over it, suck in, let your thumb go, and then breathe out.”
Tim still was a little nervous, as Jason was watching with an entertained gleam in his eye. Any mistake he made would be blackmail for years to come. Carefully, he lifted the pipe to his lips, glass cold against his flesh, and did as Stephanie had shown him. Thumb over the hole, breath in, move his thumb, and- choke.
Both Stephanie and Jason began to laugh as Tim recoiled, sinuses burning with a rancid pain, and coughed as hard as he could, trying to expel the smoke from his lungs.
“Almost got it.” Stephanie soothed. “Try again.”
Reluctant, Tim raised the pipe to his mouth again. This time he sucked softer, and when he lowered the pipe, the smoke came out in a hazy rush quite cleanly. Stephanie cheered, and even Jason looked slightly proud, though he’d rather die (again) than admit it.
Tim furrowed his eyebrows. “I don’t feel anything.”
This broke the aura of approval, and both Jason and Stephanie began to laugh again.
“Give it five minutes.”
Tim nodded, looking on as both Jason and Stephanie passed the pipe between them. Soon the car was filled with smoke, the lack of airflow keeping it still, a steamy haze engulfing them that settled thickly in his lungs with each breath.
He wasn’t sure when exactly it began but soon Tim noticed a faint buzzing in his lips. He reached up to touch them and noticed the pulse of his heartbeat was in his fingertips and his hands were oddly lacking that persistent shake he could never quite get rid of. He breathed in. He breathed out. With that exhale, he felt the soreness in his ankle fade and the ache in his lower back dissipate. He breathed in. He breathed out. His heartbeat was steady as he reclined into the seat, melting into the soft leather. The constant whirlwind of thoughts ravaging his mind was beginning to slow, settling, the storm clearing. And Tim smiled.
Stephanie clicked her tongue. “There he goes.”
Her cheeks were flushed, eyes sparkling more than normal. Even through the cloud of smoke enveloping them, Tim could see a change in the way she held herself. She was more open now. Free. Happy.
And Jason. Tim had never seen Jason like this. He was leaned back, relaxed, tension gone from all his bulging muscles which was quite a feat considering he was bigger than Batman. A soft smile was just beginning to grace his lips. He seemed calm. He seemed human.
Tim hadn’t met Jason when he was Robin, but he got the sense that this was how he would have been. This was a Jason who had never gone through the worst traumas a person could go through. His angsty Red Hood persona was so much of a part of him that Tim hadn’t realized there was anything else. But here it was. Jason. His older brother.
As if sensing his thoughts, Jason looked over at Tim. “You wipe that sappy look off your face.”
“Sorry.” Tim couldn’t remember the last time he hung out with Jason that wasn’t forced family bonding ala Bruce. He didn’t know what Jason would want to talk about. He didn’t know what Jason was interested in.
Actually, he knew one thing.
“Uh, read any good books lately?”
Jason laughed. An actual laugh, not mocking, not sour, not masking any negative emotions. He genuinely laughed. “Fuck off with that, Replacement. Talking about fucking books, my god.”
“Well, I’m sorry!” Tim bristled. “I just didn’t want to sit in silence this whole time, and I know you’ve got a lot of books in your bedroom!”
“Don’t call it a bedroom.” Stephanie giggled. “It’s a library that happens to have a bed in it.”
“And what? What’s so wrong with reading?” Jason reached over and yanked the pipe from Stephanie’s hands. It was nearly empty, but there was already so much smoke in the car being breathed in and out that refilling it would be unnecessary.
Tim threw himself back into the seat. “Nothing! I’m trying to bond with you, goddamnit.”
“I appreciate the effort.” Jason said, though a fit of snickers struck down any honesty those words had.
Tim just rolled his eyes.
A few more moments passed in silence, the three just basking in the bliss of nothingness, no responsibilities, no pain, nothing wrong in the world.
Then Stephanie began to giggle again, shattering the peace ominously. Both boys looked to her in confusion, which just made her laugh some more.
“Sorry, just thought of something funny.”
Jason glanced over at Tim, disbelief plastered on his face. “She’s nuts.”
“You don’t have to tell me.”
“So,” As she finally stifled her laughing fit, Stephanie whirled around in her seat, a twinkle in her eye that only meant some bonafide sibling-style teasing was coming up. “Tim. How’s Superboy?”
Tim tried to keep his face as neutral as possible. “...Why are you asking?”
“Oh, I don’t know.” Steph turned and grinned at Jason who, to Tim’s horror, returned it. “I’ve just been hearing about how close the two of you are.”
“If you’re implying something, Brown, just say it.” Tim’s tone was clipped and formal.
Perhaps that was the wrong choice in words, as Stephanie rearranged herself in her seat, pulling the headrest off and discarding it so she could see Tim clearly and stare directly into his eyes. “Alright then. Are you fucking Kon-El?”
Jason let out a low whistle at Stephanie’s audacity, extremely entertained by this turn of events. In the backseat, Tim’s body gave an uncontrolled jolt, the shock of the question physically shaking him as he jerked his head away to avoid eye contact.
“No, Stephanie, I am not fucking Conner.” He said carefully. Stephanie narrowed her eyes, catching his choice of words.
“Are you dating, though?”
No response seemed like the best response. Tim just crossed his arms and leveled his gaze.
Yet for some reason he couldn’t muster up any real annoyance. Maybe it was the weed. No, it definitely was the weed. Stakes? What stakes?
Stephanie just stared at him with an unreadable expression, and that made him a little nervous. She was normally the openest of open books, written by Dr. Seuss and read by a five-year-old, so her emotions being difficult to analyze was both unusual and unnerving.
Then Tim realized. She’s super pissed.
That’s got to be it, right? I mean, the two of them did date for a pretty sizable amount of time. And though their break-up was for the better, it still stung like a bitch to think about. Tim was experiencing conflicting thoughts about himself, about who he was and most importantly, what he really wanted in a relationship. And what he wanted was not Stephanie. One day they were perfect. The next Tim had closed his heart with an iron gate and chained it shut with three padlocks and zero explanations. That was only like seven months ago. The wound was still open, raw, and putrefacting.
“Tim, dude, breathe.” Jason furrowed his eyebrows. “You’re paler than Freeze.”
Tim let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding, yanking his mind back up from the spiral it was falling into. “...Sorry, I- I… uh. So I… yes?”
Stephanie blinked. The car was silent for a moment, then another, then-
“Tim, what the fuck?! ”
Tim winced, covering his face in his hands. Here we go. Beratement and embarrassment followed by broken friendships and abandonment.
Jason’s stern voice cut through Stephanie’s shouting. “Steph, you’re scaring him.”
Tim peeked through the gaps between his fingers. The distraught scowl over Stephanie’s face meant only one thing: betrayal.
“Why didn’t you tell me? I would’ve congratulated you!”
“Oh.” Tim looked up. “So you’re not mad we’re dating?”
Stephanie snorted. “Why would I be mad that you’re happy?! I’m mad because I thought we were best friends and best friends share their secrets! How long?”
The nerves boiling in Tim’s gut stilled, but only slightly, as he fidgeted with the hem of his utility belt. “...Four weeks.”
“Four weeks and you didn’t tell me…? Unbelievable, Timmy.” Stephanie shook her head, expelling a loud sigh that sent the smoke still hanging throughout the car swirling away from her face.
“You’re not entitled to every one of his secrets.” Jason said, looking askance at Tim. Clearly, he also was shocked at the revelation, but was doing a better job at masking it. Noticing Tim’s gaze, he smiled slightly and shot him a wink. “...Happy for you, Replacement.”
“That might be the nicest thing you’ve said to me… ever.” Tim said. Jason let out a raucous laugh that quickly devolved into a coughing fit as smoke went down the wrong way.
“Who else knows?” Stephanie demanded as Jason succumbed to his wheezing fit behind her.
Tim shook his head. “No one. I wasn’t, uh, ready yet.”
“To come out? Tim, with all due respect, everyone knows you’re gay. Why else would you dump all of this?” Stephanie teased, gesturing down at her body. Rolling his eyes, Tim picked up her headrest and shoved it into her chest. “Ouch! Hey, can I tell Bruce?”
“That’s not your place.” Jason said, blinking back tears from his eyes as his coughs finally subsided. “Mind if I open a window? Not that either of you can stop me.”
Tim and Stephanie both gave affirmations and Jason pressed a button on his door, rolling the window down a crack. Slowly but steadily, the lingering haze of weed began to filter out of the car, chilled dawn air taking its place. Even though it was summer, Gotham was so cold in the nights.
Back to the matter at hand.
“I’ll tell him when I’m ready.” Tim said, refering back to Bruce.
Stephanie considered this for a moment before her eyes widened. “Oh, Bruce is going to be pissed . Not ‘cause you’re dating Conner, but because Conner’s a Kent.”
Tim blanched. “You’re so right. Oh my god.”
“ No son of mine is dating a son of Superman’s. ” Jason mocked in a gruff tone that was surprisingly accurate to Bruce’s voice. “Although, Conner isn’t Superman’s son, is he?”
“No, he’s a clone-” Stephanie’s eyes widened. “Tim, you’re dating a clone of Superman. You’re practically dating Superman.”
“Oh, god, don’t say that!” Tim threw up his hands to cover his face. “Conner’s his own person. He has a sense of humor, for one! And he’s, you know, kind. Treats me good. Brave, too, even if he’s stubborn and constantly puts himself in danger. But that means he’s selfless. Plus, he’s half Clark’s age!”
“Still close enough.” Jason laughed. Tim groaned, his face so red he worried it may explode, and pulled the neck of his suit up to bury as much of his blush that he could.
“I’m just saying, Tim. Be careful. When Bruce found out I was fooling around with Roy, he nearly killed Oliver Queen himself.”
“Pause.” Stephanie shot up in her seat, making a T shape with her hands. “Roy Harper? As in Arsenal Roy Harper?”
“Yeah, what of it?” Jason shrugged defensively, “We were young and horny.”
“I didn’t know you were into guys.” Tim admitted, looking up at Jason in a completely new light.
At this, Jason laughed. “There is so much bullshit you don’t know about me, Tim.”
“Like what? Next you’re going to say you’ve fucked half the Justice League.” Stephanie joked. Jason just rolled his eyes.
“Do I look like Dick to you?”
Tim froze. “The hell is that supposed to mean?”
Jason paled slightly, looking like he regretted every word out of his mouth. “...Nothing.”
“Oh no you don’t.” Stephanie sat up on her knees, a hand on the dashboard as she leaned over into Jason’s seat, interrogation mode in full swing. “You just implied that Dick’s had sex with most of the greatest superheroes in any day and age. You better explain.”
“I just, uh.” Jason actually seemed nervous, a feeling Tim hadn’t even known he could feel. “Dick’s told me a few things. Things I promised not to tell anyone.”
“Things you’re going to tell us right fucking now, Jason Todd, or I swear I’ll rip out every page in your antique copy of Mansfield Park .”
“Try it, I dare you.” Jason snapped. “But are you guys seriously saying you don’t know?”
“Don’t know what?” Steph and Tim both asked quickly, their patiences wearing out.
“That Dick’s a total nymphomaniac.”
“He’s what.” Tim deadpanned.
Jason threw his hands in the air. “Jesus Christ, you guys are fucking dense. It started after he broke up with Kori. Starfire, yeah? Apparently, she’s super into embracing your sexuality nowadays, and it rubbed off on Dick like no tomorrow. He fucks anything that moves and can say yes.”
Tim leaned back in his seat, his entire perspective on his older brother completely changed. “I knew he was a flirt, but… wow.”
“Wow.” Stephanie echoed.
“Wow’s a fucking understatement.” Jason snorted. “Let’s see. So I told you I fucked around with Roy, yeah? Well so did Dick. Around the same time, too, the bastard. And let’s not say anything about Wally. And Kori- yes, after their breakup. You guys know about Babs, of course, but there’s also all of the Titans, all of them, and a good handful of Young Justice. The actual Justice League, that’s another story. The only one I’ve gotten out of him for sure was Barry Allen, but I’m sure there’s a few more cards up that sleeve. And let’s not even start on the villains.”
Stephanie looked as if she was both extremely revolted and highly intrigued. “I’m afraid to ask, but, villains?”
“Poison Ivy.” Jason said simply. “Cheetah. And since her break-up with Joker, he’s been on and off with Harley Quinn.”
“That’s disgusting.” Tim wrinkled his nose.
Jason just shrugged. “That’s Dick.”
“...Jay.” Tim’s face dropped as an absolutely horrifying realization crossed his mind. “Jason, please. Please tell me you don’t know this from personal experience.”
Jason did not reply.
“Why, Tim?” Stephanie asked, voice hoarse with terror. “Why did you have to ask that?”
Jason still did not reply.
“You did, didn’t you?” Tim asked, unable to stop himself.
Jason’s jaw was clenched. “It… was… we were in a bad place, okay?”
“Jesus FUCKING Christ, Jason!” Stephanie squealed, covering her ears.
“What?! You dated Tim here! Probably got up to all sorts of wicked shit.”
“Okay, first, no. We never had sex. Second, I’m not officially adopted by Bruce. But you two are! You and Dick are brothers!”
“Adopted brothers, holy fuck, don’t say that!”
“It’s not that different!”
“It’s a HUGE difference, and besides, it was one fucking time! One time! I had just been forcibly resurrected and Dick was beside himself at seeing me alive again. There were a lot of emotions!”
Tim couldn’t help it anymore. He began to giggle. Both Jason and Stephanie ceased their bickering immediately and turned to look at him.
“Sorry, sorry.” Tim chuckled, covering his mouth. “I just… you guys are so fun.”
“Two dumbasses? I’m not high enough to deal with this.” Stephanie griped, hitting her forehead on the dashboard. With a hum, Jason rolled the window up, sealing the car airtight once more.
“...Want to fix that? There’s still more weed. If Replacement’s up for it.”
The words were punctuated with a jabbing leer, but oddly, Tim found himself feeling almost comforted by the tease. Something about Jason’s insults didn’t sting so bad anymore.
“You’re on.”
The air in the car was warm, warmer than before, the secrets all pent up inside the three aired out, revealed, bringing them all closer than before. As it filled back up with bud-infused air, Tim couldn’t help but smile at the two. Jason. Stephanie. His closest friends. They chatted and laughed until the sun was beginning to rise over Gotham harbor.
The aura of calm was shattered by a fist against the windshield.
“Holy shit!” Tim yelled, sitting up straight. Neither Jason nor Stephanie reacted, keeping their shock internal as they looked out into the alleyway, and all became paralyzed with fear.
“We are fucked.” Stephanie winced, verbalizing what they all were thinking.
“Open the window, Jason.” Tim said, cowering back against the seats. “He’ll just get madder if we ignore him.”
Jason grit his teeth, bracing himself as he pressed the button to roll down the window on Stephanie’s side. “Fuck this shit.”
The three all lowered their gazes guiltily as none other than Nightwing, an expression of pure rage across his face, looked in.
“What is going on in here?! What- what is that smell?! ”
“Hi, Dick.” Tim said timidly. “...How are you?”
“Tim, not you too.” Dick moaned. “I expected this of those two, but you?!”
Tim opted not to respond, just look as sorry as possible.
Shaking his head, Dick sighed. “It doesn’t matter. I need you three now. Riddler’s just launched a hostage situation at City Hall, and it’s all hands on deck.”
Tim looked to Jason looked to Stephanie looked to Tim again, the smell of weed still thick in the air, still thick in their veins, still thick in their minds.
“Oops.” Stephanie said, and they all began to laugh.