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Do You Blame Yourself?

Chapter 2

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Someone cursed at him as he pushed past them in a hurry. He'd lost Matt somewhere between the car and the entrance. Matt hadn't even stopped the car before John was barrelling out and bolting towards the sliding doors. 

He had been half asleep when his phone rang, startling him awake as he grappled to answer it. After hanging up with Smitty, he'd fallen back asleep again. John looked at the time before answering the vibrating device; Smitty had been out far longer than usual. 

The unknown number staring back at him had the usual anxiety kicking in. 

The unfamiliar voice on the other end caused a pit to form in his stomach. 

The nausea had set in when the voice asked if he was John Keyes. 

Shaking, he had confirmed he was, asking why. Smitty's name leaving the woman's mouth seemed to come out painstakingly slow, like he’d been caught up in some soap opera level drama. But there was no cut to black where he'd have to wait for the next episode; he had to go now

There was nobody else waiting, so he rushed up to the reception desk. “Hi, hello. I'm looking for Jaren Smith; where is he?” 

He was still in the shirt he'd slept in, having rushed to pull on some joggers as he had brought up Matt's contact on his phone after hanging up with the hospital lady. 

The nurse at the desk looked up at him with a practised calm smile that told J0hn that she was largely familiar with his level of panic and hysteria. “Relation?” 

“John. I mean, his boyfriend- uh, fiancé, sorry. Where is he?” 

Her smile turned sweet and understanding as she pushed away from the desk and stood up. “Come with me.” 

She led him through some double doors, and the room opened up to a nurse's station in the centre and cubicles around the outside. They took a right down another hallway with private rooms on either side of it. 

“He's in surgery at the moment,” she told him as they entered a vacant room with an ominous gap where a bed should have been. 

John's heart sank further than it already had. “Is he okay?” A stupid question. He knew the answer was going to be negative; Smitty wouldn't be in hospital, in surgery, if he was fine. 

“He suffered a pelvic fracture after being hit by a car. Some speeding newbie driver, a paramedic said.” John stayed quiet, silently taking in the information. “He asked after you when he was first brought in, as well as an ‘Octavia’.” 

John perked up. He hated himself for letting her slip his mind. “Our dog. Is she alright?” 

“She's all fine. A nurse is with her in the relative's room. One of the paramedics was carrying her when he was brought in. Stayed by your fella, apparently.” 

John managed a small smile at that. “She’s a good girl.” 

The nurse just smiled. “He'll be out of surgery before you know it. Just sit tight, okay?” 

“Thanks.” As he slid off his coat and hung it on the back of the chair, the door opened behind him. John spun back around to face her. “I came here with a friend; he's wearing a dark green coat, about my height. Matt, that's his name. Could you tell him I'm here?” 

“Of course,” she said with another sweet smile. “He'll be okay.” John wanted to get her to promise him, but he knew they weren't supposed to do that. 

\ꕥ/

Smitty was brought back from surgery after half an hour of waiting, looking worse for wear. Butterfly tape littered his features; on his forehead, cheeks and jaw. Tracing the white tape delicately with one hand, smoothing the back of his fingers across the unharmed part of Smitty's cheek; his eyes stung and lips quivered. He moved the chair closer to the bed as soon as it had been put in place. 

The doctor had given him the run-down of Smitty's condition, all the while John held his limp hand in his own. He couldn't bring himself to peek under the blanket to assess the damage, and instead just watched and listened. Both to the doctor and to Smitty's gentle breathing. However, the doctor's words didn't register for John, and she seemed to notice this, saying softly that she'd be back once Smitty had woken up. 

The door opening and closing was a distant sound. 

Bringing Smitty's hand up to his face, he held the back of it against his mouth for a moment. Sighing deeply, he shut his eyes. 

A hand suddenly squeezed his shoulder. “Hey.”

Matt. John hadn't even heard him come in. Octavia was with him, tailing wagging excitedly at the sight of them both. She trotted over to him, leash dragging along behind her, and sat by his legs. 

“How is he?” 

“The doctor said he'll be okay.” That had been just about the only thing to pierce through John's brain fog. For the life of him, he couldn't recall much else. 

Matt's gaze was heavy in the silence. 

“C'mere, man.” 

Octavia hopped onto the seat once John stood up, and smushed his face into Matt's shoulder. “I should have gone with him.” 

“Hey, no.” Matt pulled back from the embrace and held John by the shoulders, shaking them. “You didn’t know this was going to happen.” 

John shrugged, unsure of what to even say, his bottom lip curving up as he turned to sit back down. Octavia happily allowed him to lift her off the seat and cuddled her against his chest. John pressed half a dozen kisses to her furry head. 

“Do you want me to stay?” 

John sniffed, and wiped a hand over his eyes and under his nose. “Uh- it's okay. I'll be fine. You go.” 

“As long as you're sure.” Matt didn't leave quite yet, though; his gaze focused on John and how he cradled Octavia, who had remained dutifully quiet. “I can take her with me,” his friend offered. 

John just nodded as Matt approached him to lift Octavia from his lap and place her onto the floor, holding the leash tightly. She stared up at John before glancing over to the bed where Smitty remained asleep. She didn't understand why he wasn't reaching down to pet her. John did it for him, giving her a scratch on the head and a sad smile. 

“He'll be okay, man,” Matt told him again, reaching over to ruffle his hair. And John let him, going as far as to shut his eyes for a moment. The tears that had been gradually building up since Smitty was brought back finally slid out from the corners of John's eyes. Only a few escaped, which he quickly wiped away. When he opened his eyes again, Matt had Octavia in his arms. 

“I know.” 

After another reassuring squeeze of his shoulder, Matt left the room with Octavia, and John was left with the comforting beeping of the heart monitor. 

Smitty was alive. 

Notes:

I'm excited to post the next chapter >:)

Another thing, regarding the final chapter of the Droid/Pezzy 'Do's and Don't's' fic, I'm not sure when I'll get it finished. I may get it finished soon after this, I might not lol. Just because I'm trying to finish the Christmas fic. The NYE oneshot, however, is done :)

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