Chapter Text
Buck goes back to work, and the days go on, and Eddie recovers.
Buck helps him download some audiobooks through the LA Public Library. Eddie doesn’t read for fun very much, and sort of shrugs when Buck asks him what kinds of books he wants. Buck checks out Legends & Lattes, The Never Game and The Hidden Life of Trees and hopes for the best.
By day four, he’s burned through all three and is doing things like “light landscaping” in his garden and “easygoing tuneup work” on the Chevelle. Buck tells him not to overdo it but leaves him be.
Eddie is at least a week out from being cleared for duty. Buck feels the way he does every time he has to work without Eddie — like he’s missing a limb. It’s fine. He pairs up with the new probie and tries to be a good teacher. Tries to ignore Drill Sergeant Gerrard. He doesn’t text Eddie since he’s still limiting his screen time, so Buck saves up stories from work to recount when he drops in after his shift.
Buck doesn’t mention the will again. He assumes that Eddie has forgotten the conversation in his post-concussion haze, because he doesn’t bring it up either. Buck is really starting to think that he is the only person on the planet who feels like the will thing is — anything out of the ordinary. All it means is that Eddie trusts Buck. What else would it mean? And isn’t that enough?
There is one improvement — Chris and Eddie talk on the phone most days. Eddie says he thinks Chris is bored. Buck can tell Chris is still feeling unsettled about Eddie getting hurt. Whatever the reason, he calls most nights to talk for a few minutes. Mostly about inconsequential stuff, but sometimes they talk about Shannon or LA.
Buck reads a listicle about how to stay in touch with your kid while they’re away at college — and obviously it’s not the same thing, but Buck talks Chris into downloading the Settlers of Catan app. They play game after game, trading resources and trash-talking each other’s strategies over text.
calm down about the longest road buck
your just embarrassing yourself
A victory point is a victory point bud
~
A few days later, the will thing is still driving Buck insane. While it was once a talisman of safety and love, it’s now like a missing tooth — he can’t stop touching it in his mind, recoiling from the discomfort he still feels about the whole thing.
He’s dying to talk it all out with someone. He’s at the point in his thought spiral where he can’t unspool it by himself. He already told Maddie about it, and she reassured him. He doesn’t dare bring it up with Hen and Chimney because — well, because Chim is currently raising one of Hen’s kids, so clearly they are not going to be objective about this. Also, maybe they’ve got enough on their plates without Buck’s insane non-problem?
He knows who he really wants to talk to, though. So he texts Bobby from the engine on the way back from a call.
Come by the set tomorrow, Bobby suggests. My dinner break is at 5. I’ll put you on the visitor list.
Buck is undeniably curious about Bobby’s retirement job, which he seems to despise, so he shows up to the lot when he’s told and is shown to the set, where Bobby and about a million crew members are trying to guide a guy dressed in a firefighter uniform (costume?) through the process of repelling down about six feet of building façade.
“Hold the rope like this,” Bobby is saying, ever practical and kind, even while Buck can hear the undercurrent of impatience in his voice.
“No, no,” a woman who has director energy is saying. “Sorry, Captain Nash, but we need to be able to see his face in the shot.”
“Isn’t he magnificent?” says a man with a gruff British accent next to Buck.
“Oh, uh. Yes?” Buck turns to see Brad Torrence, also in a firefighter uniform, clutching a helmet that says CAPTAIN on it. Up close, Buck can tell that the soot on his face is just makeup. “Wait, who?”
“The captain, of course! Bob.”
“Bob?” Buck turns back to see Bobby vigorously gesturing at the rope pulley. “I mean, yeah. He’s the best.”
Brad looks Buck up and down and registers his LAFD hoodie. “Wait! Wait just a minute. You’re one of Bob’s firemen!”
“Um. Yeah.” He holds his hand out to Brad. “Evan Buckley. Buck.”
“It’s a pleasure, Evan Buckley Buck. What brings you to set?” Brad gestures broadly. “Here to explore the magical world of television?”
Buck bites his lip. Is he supposed to laugh? He can’t tell. Brad looks completely serious. “Yes,” he says slowly. “Also, I just wanted to talk to Bobby. He’s kind of, uh, the person I go to when I need advice.”
“Makes sense. I know he’s changed my whole craft as an actor. The man has a gift.”
Bobby catches Buck’s eye from across the room and holds up a finger. Buck nods, then feels a slight itching on the side of his face. When he turns, Brad is standing about six inches too close, examining Buck intently.
“So what kind of problems does a firefighter such as yourself need to bring to good ol’ Bob?”
Buck wills Bobby to wrap it up.
“Oh, sorry,” Brad says. “I don’t mean to pry. I just can’t pass up the chance to get to know another real-live firefighter —”
“It’s about my best friend,” Buck blurts out. “Well. He’s kind of more than that to me. He put me in his will as the legal guardian of his son if he — if he doesn’t make it. One day. And I always thought it was a really big deal! But his son is — away this summer, and I don’t know, I just think maybe it wasn’t … what I thought.”
Brad looks taken aback at Buck’s outburst, then a wide smiles breaks out over his face. “Ah ha! Now this I can help out with!”
“You — you can?”
“Oh, yes! Evan Buckley Buck, you need to have the DTR talk.”
“The what?”
“Define. The. Relationship. Or — situationship? Is that the problem, that you want more and your friend doesn’t?”
“Uh, wait, no —” What part of what Buck said made Brad think he was asking for relationship advice??
Brad sort of laughs over him. “Listen, this is crucial. You need to define it. You’re never going to know what it means if you don’t ask him. DTR has changed my life. Well — actually, I think that’s how I ended up married at least two out of the four times —”
“You’ve been married four times?”
“Buck, hi.” Bobby is suddenly right there. “I see you met Brad. Brad, please excuse us.”
Buck follows Bobby over to a table of sandwiches and salads. They pile plates with food, then head over to a picnic bench at the edge of the parking lot. Buck’s head is still buzzing from his Brad encounter.
“Sorry about him,” Bobby sighs.
“It’s fine,” Buck says. “He’s just a little … intense.”
“That’s one word for it,” Bobby mutters. “Anyway, not to rush you, but I’ve got to get back in twenty minutes. What did you want to talk about? Wait, how’s Eddie doing?”
“He’s fine. Healing up well. Starting to get really bored. He’s back to work next week.”
“That’s good to hear. What about you? What’s got you all twisted up?”
Buck puts down his sandwich. “You know about how Eddie put me in his will?”
Bobby looks surprised but recovers quickly. “Yeah, I know. What about it?”
“When did he tell you?”
Bobby smiles slightly. “I don’t know, Buck. A few years ago. When he changed his LAFD life insurance policy to make you the beneficiary.”
“Oh.” Buck didn’t know about that. He guesses it makes sense — he would need the money to look after Christopher. “Did you — think it was strange? That he picked me over someone in his family?”
It’s not quite what Buck wants to ask, but it’s as close as he can get.
Bobby shrugs. “Not really. You two are best friends. I know how involved you are with Christopher.”
Buck deflates a little.
“Besides,” Bobby continues. “I know better than most that the people you work with can become your family, or better than.”
“Uh-huh,” Buck says as he picks at the lettuce in his sandwich.
In his peripheral vision, he sees Bobby lean back and cross his arms. “I feel like there’s something you’re not telling me.”
“I don’t know —” Buck starts to say before there’s a large crash from the set. A beat later, the director yells, “Captain Nash! We need you!”
Bobby is already on his feet, but before he sprints off, he says, “Buck, you should probably talk to Eddie if you’re worrying about this.”
Buck sighs before getting up to throw out his half-eaten dinner. As he gets back in his Jeep to drive home, it doesn’t escape him that Bobby essentially gave him the same advice as four-marriages-Brad. Damn it.
~
The good thing about Eddie being cleared for duty is that he is back at work, back by Buck’s side where he belongs. What a relief.
The bad thing about Eddie being cleared for duty is that he is back at work, back by Buck’s side — now spending twenty-four hours at a time in Buck’s company. Now that he’s no longer recovering from head trauma, Eddie has regained his normal powers of observation, which means that he figures out within an hour of their first shift together that something is Going On with Buck.
Eddie sits down across the table from Buck, coffee in hand. Buck looks up at him and takes in his swoopy hair, the straight line of his nose, his eyebrows lifted in expectation. All of the parts that make up Buck’s favourite face — which is a bit of a weird thing to think, but Buck comforts himself that he’s thinking it because he’s trying so hard not to think about the other thing. (Brad Torrence’s voice hisses in his mind: Define. The. Relationship.) (Shut the fuck up, Brad.) Buck thinks about running his fingertips along Eddie’s eyebrows, then hastily looks away. Okay, that one’s a bit too weird.
“Good morning?” Eddie says when Buck stays silent.
“Oh! Right. Morning!”
“What’s up?”
“Nothing!” Buck immediately panic-shouts because he has never had an ounce of chill a day of his life.
“Okay …”
Buck downs the rest of his coffee and stands up. “Gonna go …” he gestures toward the app bay meaninglessly.
Eddie narrows his eyes. He looks so much like Chris when he does that. Buck’s heart twangs. “Are you okay?”
“Yep!”
“Are you sure?”
The pressure in Buck’s chest mounts, and he’s about three seconds away from spilling everything that’s going through his head — when the bell rings.
They have a few hours of back-to-back calls, and when they get back, Buck employs tactics of great stealth to throw Eddie off the scent — he hides. In the back of the ambulance while he checks the supplies, in the supply closet while he fills out the stock order form, in the captain’s office to use the label maker (he’s been meaning to label the different sections of the tea cupboard for a while — no more green tea in the oolong zone), in the locker room to dick around on his phone. Every time Eddie approaches, Buck slips away — or, in one memorable moment, hides behind the engine.
“Oh, my god,” Eddie says as he strolls around the vehicle to find Buck crouching on the other side. “I don’t know what’s wrong with you, but I’m following you home.”
Buck is already thinking of ways to discourage this — but then Eddie gives Buck his space for the rest of their shift, and by the end of their twenty-four, Buck misses him. He doesn’t know how he can put him off any longer, and he doesn’t know what he’s going to say, but when Eddie nods at him on the way out to the parking lot, Buck just nods back.
~
Eddie hasn’t said anything since they got to the loft. Buck puts the kettle on for tea, then starts rearranging the apples and oranges in the fruit bowl on the kitchen island.
Eddie finally reaches out and takes an apple out of Buck’s hand. He brings it to his mouth and takes a crunching bite.
“At least wash it first, you animal!”
Eddie rolls his eyes and pushes the apple away. “Okay, Buck. What’s going on with you?”
Buck looks down at his hands, brushes away some crumbs on the counter. Looks back up at Eddie, meets his warm brown eyes — and he’s done for.
“I guess I’ve just been — thinking a lot. About the will thing.”
“Okay,” Eddie says. “Why?”
Buck makes a face. This is — so much more embarrassing than he even thought it would be. He sighs. “What did it mean, Eddie?”
“What do you mean, what did it mean?”
“Just. I know now that it’s maybe. Not as big a deal as I used to think? It’s just. I thought it was a sort of secret. Like, you obviously weren’t going to tell your parents about it, but I didn’t know who else knew. And I guess it just felt like a big deal at the time? Like, like you were trying to tell me something. Which, obviously you were! That you trust me with Chris, which is, like, the biggest honour of my life. I love Chris so much. So I guess it isa big deal. But I didn’t know other people knew. And then I kind of told Maddie about it a couple weeks ago — I hope that’s okay —”
“Of course it’s okay.”
“Right. Well. She just — didn’t react the way I thought she would? Like, she thought it was normal. And I guess it is normal. Karen and Hen are in Maddie and Chim’s wills to be Jee’s legal guardians, with the Lees. People put their friends in their wills all the time. I just. I don’t know.”
Buck presses his palms to his radioactive cheeks.
Eddie gives him his gentle you done? look. Buck nods.
“Okay,” Eddie says softly. “I think that it’s both things. Normal and a big deal.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, it’s not that unusual. You’re right, lots of people put their friends in their will to look after their kids if they die.”
Buck nods.
“But,” Eddie continues. “Buck, it’s Chris. Of course it’s a big deal to me.”
Buck isn’t sure what’s happening inside him, but he’s pretty sure this extreme swing is permanently altering his brain chemistry. “Uh, really?”
“Yeah. I know I kind of — take it for granted. That you’re all in with Chris, that you’re happy to do the co-parenting thing with me. I know we kind of just fell into it, and we don’t talk about it.”
“I love it,” Buck says quickly. “I love that you trust me with that.”
Eddie smiles. “Yeah, I know.”
Buck reaches across the counter, snags Eddie’s apple, runs it under the tap, then takes a big bite himself.
“Now who’s the animal?” Eddie says. It’s in his normal teasing tone, but he sounds … distant.
“Are you okay over there, Eddie?”
“Yeah. Just. Um.”
Buck looks over quickly at Eddie. It’s rare to hear him stumble over his words. Buck tries to be patient as he watches Eddie gather himself.
He sighs deeply, looks up to meet Buck’s gaze. “At the time, when I told you about it. I was trying to tell you that you mattered. You remember?”
“Yeah. After everything with my family, my brother …”
“You were really going through it.”
“Well,” Buck says. “You’d also just been shot. That was a pretty big part of what I was going through.”
“Hmm.” Eddie turns away slightly, and then opens his mouth to say, in that perfect insanity-inducing casual tone that he only uses when saying something life changing, “Well, you’re part of our family. Blood relative or not. That’s what it meant.”
The words feel like rainwater, cooling down his embarrassment, muting the buzz of insecurity. Eddie is so good at that, saying the thing that Buck needs to hear to move past a spiral.
“Well, good,” he replies. “You’re never getting rid of me now.” Then, because it’s suddenly the funniest thing he can think of, and he wants to make Eddie laugh, Buck says, “Actually, I kind of told Brad Torrence about the will, too?”
“What? That actor on Hotshots?”
“Yeah, I went to visit Bobby on set the other day, and he started talking to me, and I —”
“Overshared?” Eddie smirks. “What did Brad Torrence say?”
Buck laughs. “He said I needed to define our relationship. I think he thought we were friends with benefits, but that I was secretly in love with you. Isn’t that hilarious? I mean, the guy’s been married four times, so I’m not about to take relationship advice from —”
Eddie flinches. His face, which had been softly amused, does the thing where it flattens out, becomes blander. Buck can see the bricks going up behind Eddie’s eyes. Wait — what?
“Eddie?”
“Thanks for the tea,” Eddie says, pushing back his untouched cup. “I’m going to take off.”
“Wait, wait,” Buck says. “What did I say?”
“Nothing,” Eddie says immediately. And he looks hunted. He turns to go, except that he has his hand pressed to his sternum, and Buck recognizes the signs.
He’s around the island in a second, blocking Eddie’s path. He puts his hands on Eddie’s shoulders. “Hey, are you okay?”
“Buck,” he grits out.
“Here.” Buck gently guides him back onto the barstool. “Breathe with me, Eddie. You wanna do your Jello thing? Or, or, we can do some box breathing. That works for Chris.”
“We’re not friends with benefits, Buck,” Eddie bites out.
“I know?” Buck says, baffled.
Eddie slow-motion tips over forward and presses his forehead to Buck’s collarbone.
Buck replays the last bit of their conversation in his head. Friends with benefits, secretly in love with …
Wait.
Is that the answer? Is that why this has been weighing on him all summer? Why he’s never quite known what to make of his official status in Christopher’s and Eddie’s lives?
Eddie’s breathing is starting to even out. He pulls back slightly. “Look,” he says, and he’s trying for his casual tone so hard. “Making you Christopher’s legal guardian in my will — that wasn’t about this. I told you my reasons. But I think it probably doesn’t feel normal because of — the way I feel about you. I am — I do —”
A summer of waiting for Eddie to let him in, of trying to get closer, of missing Christopher and feeling heartbroken by it. Of watching Eddie miss Christopher and being destroyed by it. A summer of waiting, and literal years of just feeling grateful to be in Eddie’s life.
Is … Eddie in love with Buck? Buck can’t feel his face right now. Is Buck in love with Eddie?
“Buck?” Eddie is saying softly.
Buck feels the adrenaline surge through him, feels his fight-or-flight kick in.
“Were you ever going to tell me?” he says. “That you’re in love with me?”
Eddie stills. He meets Buck’s eyes, lets the silence hang between them. He exhales and his shoulders slump under Buck’s hands. “Wow,” he finally says. “Pretty presumptuous of you since technically I still haven’t told you.”
Buck just keeps looking at him. It only takes a few seconds for Eddie to break.
“No,” he says. “I — no.”
“Eddie! Why not?”
There’s a moment when Buck is sure Eddie is about to pull away, but then he moves in instead, pressing his forehead back into Buck’s collarbone. “I don’t know, Buck,” he says, almost angry. “Didn’t think you felt the same way? Didn’t think I deserved you? Didn’t want to … come out. Pick your poison.”
“You deserve me,” Buck says right away. “Have you met you? You’re amazing. If I’d known …”
“What? You’d have swept me off my feet years ago?”
“Yes! Eddie, yes!”
Eddie doesn’t reply, just pushes farther into Buck’s space.
What is happening right now? Normally, if someone confesses their love for you, and you love them back (which, Buck definitely does — holy shit), it’s the best feeling in the world. But … that’s not what’s happening here. They love each other, but Eddie … doesn’t seem happy about it?
“Eddie.”
“Hmm.”
“Is it … okay? That I know?”
“What, that I’m in love with you?”
Hearing it is like a kick to the heart.
“Yeah.”
“I don’t know.”
They’ve drifted closer until their chests are brushing, their faces close. “Um,” Buck says. “Well, what do you want?”
Eddie doesn’t bother answering, just leans forward and presses his lips to Buck’s mouth. Chaste, soft pressure. Testing the waters.
For a second, it’s just them weirdly pressing their mouths together, and then Eddie sighs and parts his lips, and Buck feels his whole body wake up. He presses in closer, sucks on Eddie’s lip. Eddie nips him back in return and Buck can feel Eddie’s heart pounding through his thumb on Eddie’s pulse point. He reaches up to comb his fingers through Eddie’s soft hair. His tongue is in Eddie’s mouth, he’s got Eddie pressed up against the island. Close, close, close.
They’re both breathing hard when they separate.
“Eddie, Eddie,” Buck breathes. “I love you. Is this okay? Can we keep doing this?”
He half expects Eddie to make it a joke — to check his watch and say, “Sure, I’ve got some time.”
Instead, Eddie nods. “Yeah,” he whispers. “I’d like that.” And he kisses Buck again.
~
can’t believe you’re dating
Is it too weird? I know it’s a lot.
so weird
that my parents are in love
with each other
Chris picks up Buck’s FaceTime call on the second ring.
“Hi, Buck.” The phone is close to his face. He’s lying on his bed in El Paso — Buck recognizes the patchwork quilt.
“Hey, Chris.” Buck is sitting on the edge of one of the bunks, phone clamped in his hands. “How are you doing?”
Chris shrugs, eyes not quite connecting with the screen. He yawns. “Tired,” he says. It’s just after 9:00 p.m. in Texas. They both know Chris isn’t going to bed for at least two hours, but it’s the evening slump right now.
“Me, too,” Buck admits. They’re a little over halfway through their shift, and it’s been a busy one. Nothing catastrophic, just the little calamities of people’s individual lives. Two DOAs. Two heartbroken families.
Eddie is out there, working out some of his feelings on the heavy bag in the gym. Buck is squirreled away in the bunk room, where he fled after seeing Chris’s last texts.
It’s weird not to gravitate towards each other during their free time on shift, but they’re less than a week into this new thing, and nothing short of a wedding is going to make Buck declare the relationship under Gerrard’s leadership. So — they’re keeping their distance at work, just a little. Buck misses Eddie all the time, but he knows they can go home together after their shift and make out, take a nap together, wake up with some midafternoon sex and then go buy their groceries. He and Eddie are already so integrated into each other’s lives that it’s sort of like nothing between then has changed too much — except for the part where Buck can snuggle into Eddie on the couch, tell him he loves him, pin him against the wall, run his fingers through his hair, smooth down his eyebrows … okay the physical and emotional intimacy has been amped up to eleven, and Buck feels frantic with it, and also the most settled he’s ever been.
Eddie is still acting a little wary. Buck can’t believe Eddie was going to keep this to himself indefinitely. But it’s like his walls have started crumbling, and instead of panicking, Eddie is just … relaxing into it.
“Are you really okay with this?” Buck whispered last night as they dozed off together.
“Right now,” Eddie said, squeezing Buck tightly to him, “I kind of feel like the pros outweigh the cons.”
And that about sums it up. Buck can tell Eddie is still freaking out, at least a little, but he figures if they can keep talking about it, they’ll get through it together.
Also, Buck can be unreservedly overjoyed enough for both of them.
Back to Chris, who is watching Buck with sleepy eyes. “Why’d you call?”
“Oh, uh. What you texted. I just wanted to make sure … I couldn’t tell if you were being sincere or sarcastic.”
“A bit of both.”
Eddie told Chris about them the night before on the phone. It wasn’t just a guess-what-Buck-and-I-kiss-now conversation. It was a coming-out conversation, a whole big thing. Except that, apparently Chris had been mostly unfazed by Eddie’s sexual identity, more weirded out by the Buck-and-Eddie of it all.
“Are you mad at us — at me?”
“No.”
“You sure?”
“Oh, my god, yes, Buck. Just —” Chris sighs. “You won’t leave, right?”
Around the time Chris started dating multiple girls at once, it really hit home for Buck that Chris’s feelings about romantic relationships are somewhat skewed. He knows that Eddie made some progress on this, just by talking about Shannon more. But that doesn’t erase years of abandonment issues overnight.
“Do you remember a few years ago?” Buck says. “When I told you I’m not going anywhere?”
“Uh-huh.”
“That’s always gonna be true, okay, Chris?”
“I’m not a kid anymore, Buck.”
“Okay, but it’s still true. I love you. And — I’m already completely committed to you and your dad. This — us getting together. That just makes it more true, not less. Okay?”
“I guess.”
It’s not a ringing endorsement, but Buck pushes through the ambivalence. “Hey, I heard you met a girl at camp?”
Chris accepts the change of topic, his eyes lighting up. “Alison.” Buck is delighted to notice that Chris is blushing.
“Alison! What’s she like?”
“Really smart and funny.” He waxes poetic for a few minutes — Buck learns about her collection of baseball caps, her long brown hair, her encyclopedic knowledge of X-Men characters.
“Buck?” Chris says before they sign off.
“Yeah, bud?”
“Can we go to comic con this year?”
“Ooh, great idea,” Buck says, already opening his browser to check ticket prices (oof — maybe it can be a birthday present from him and Eddie), accessibility accommodations, programming. “This looks awesome. We should come up with some cosplay ideas!”
After they hang up, Buck lies back on the bed, giving himself one more minute before he goes out to help clean up after their late dinner. He’s still clicking around on the LA comic con website when he sees the countdown clock widget at the bottom of the webpage. Let’s meet in 52 days …
Wait.
Buck is on his feet, tumbling out of the bunk room with his phone in his hand before his brain catches up with him. “Eddie! EDDIE!”
“Pipe down, Buckley!” Gerrard calls from his office.
Buck ignores him, sprints downstairs to find Eddie already walking towards the stairs, still sweaty from his workout. “Buck, what?”
He holds out his phone, browser still open to the countdown clock. “Eddie. I think he’s coming home.”
It takes an eternity for Eddie to take Buck’s phone and look at the webpage, for him to absorb Buck’s rushed explanation, the significance of the countdown clock.
“You should call him,” Buck finishes, and Eddie —
Eddie wraps his arms around Buck, right there in the middle of the app bay, presses his face into Buck’s shoulder, and sags into him.
Buck holds him up, and Eddie lets him.