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Bowie had always wondered what’s it like to be a ‘good person’.
He was sure he didn’t exactly qualify; he was conniving, competitive, self-centered, and he was willing to do pretty much anything if it served him. Those traits by themselves may not make someone a bad person, per-se, but put all those together and it was a lot harder to deny.
Sure, he wasn’t the worst person in the world, he wouldn’t even say he’s the worst person he knows, but he can admit that he was nowhere near what a good person should be like, and honestly? He was okay with that. In fact, Bowie owned it too, he didn’t mind being a so-called ‘bad person’.
…He does wonder about it a lot more than he cared to admit, though. Especially as of recently.
He would say he had always been surrounded by nice people. His parents were loving and supportive to him, and had always been friendly towards each other, despite them being divorced. He would consider his friends at school to be kind people once you get to know them, even though some of them would otherwise fit the popular kids stereotype. On the other hand, Bowie was popular and had nice moments at times, sure, but he wouldn’t describe himself as ‘nice’, if that made any sense. It felt like everyone he cared about was nothing like him in that regard.
Most of all, Raj.
Bowie adored Raj. Obviously he does, he was utterly smitten even before they had properly gone on their first date, but everyone with eyes could see how different the two of them were; Raj was naive, seemingly gets along with everyone, and had a tendency to put others before himself. Raj wore his heart on his sleeves; when he’s happy, he smiles the smile that could light up the world. When he’s sad, he cries and sobs until sadness washes away, only to do it all over again the next time. He was kind and forgiving, at times to a fault. And though Bowie was sure Raj was a much more complicated individual than he lets on, he was always genuine, sincere.
All qualities of a good person.
Qualities that Bowie absolutely did not have.
In other words, he was the complete opposite of Bowie.
It felt like a one in a million chance that they fell in love. They both applied for Total Drama, they both made the cut, they were put on the same team, they got along, they had a lot of chances to get to know one another, they liked each other, they fell in love. It felt like a fairy tale with how everything just worked out. Had one thing changed, they might’ve never met, Raj might never accept his queerness, Bowie might never open his heart.
But they did, and they were together. They started dating relatively soon after they met, they visited each other as often as they could, they graduated high school and moved into an apartment together for university, they spent everyday together like they were still teenagers until they graduated university too.
Then, after approximately eight years of dating, they got engaged.
They were planning their wedding, and Bowie was elated as a man could be.
They had some ideas for some of the things already. They wanted a three tier cake with chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry so they could have plenty for their guests, they both wanted to wear white with some purple and blue accent colors, Bowie and Raj’s favorite color respectively. Raj really wanted to throw the bouquet, Bowie had no problems with that. He thought it’ll be funny to get to watch the bouquet get thrown at most likely full force, anyway.
All of that will be sorted for later, preferably with the help of their wedding planner they had contacted, but for now, the two of them were sitting on their shared bed facing one another, a notepad with a list of names on it.
“So we’re inviting people from Total Drama too, right?” Raj blinked, tapping the notebook with a pen. “I know you didn’t get along with everyone, but since we had a few reunions, it’ll feel kinda rude if we only select a few people and don’t invite everyone, eh?”
Bowie unsurely hummed in response, sitting cross-legged. It was true that a lot of them and their disdain towards each other had mellowed out a lot, it’s been just about eight years since their first season after all, but that doesn’t mean they particularly liked each other. Still, Raj did have a point…and maybe Bowie wanted to show off their elegant and totally awesome wedding, as Raj would put it.
“I’m good with it either way, we can invite them if you want.” Bowie decided, to which Raj beamed and nodded feverishly, writing down each and every name of people they competed with on the notepad before picking it back up, eyes scanning through the list at light speed.
“Okay! So far we have your entiiiiire family, my parents, Wayner and his parents and little sister, Emma, your friends, my friends, our mutual friends, and people from TD!” Raj recounted. Bowie confirmed with a nod, glancing at his fiance. “Sounds about right, and don’t forget to give them plus ones.”
“Oh yeah!” Raj perked up as he was reminded, before looking back up at Bowie. “Anything else? I can’t remember.”
Bowie thought about it for a few moments, before he suddenly remembered a small issue. He debated it, but he knew he had to ask. Delicately, he reached over and placed it on Raj’s shoulder.
“Have you decided whether you want to invite your extended family yet?”
Raj’s expression turned a little sour, mouth turning into a small frown. “No…I haven’t.”
Bowie squeezed him a little, the action hopefully comforting. “Okay. There’s no rush.” He assured his fiancé. “Just…whatever you decide, I’m here for you, okay?”
Raj deflated. Oh no, now Bowie just feels bad for reminding him.
“I guess…Ugh.” Raj interrupted himself with a sigh, holding his hands up and gesturing wildly as he explained his dilemma. “On one hand, they are my family, and I know it’s really going to hurt them if I don’t at least send an invite and let them decide if they wanna come or not. On the other hand, I…I don’t know how they’d react, or if they’d judge us the whole time. That would be a real bummer, eh?”
Bowie frowned. He knew Raj’s parents were as supportive as can be, but some of his relatives overseas or even in Canada were not as receptive, if Raj’s parents didn’t cut contact first. Bowie remembered the stuff Raj told him, anything ranging from invasive questions to snide remarks.
Still, somehow Raj managed to smile, even if it came off as awkward. “‘s what I get for having a large family, eh?”
Bowie hummed, taking in the information, but he had his own thoughts on the matter.
“Honestly, I don’t get why you give people so much grace.”
Okay, maybe Bowie had put it a little too bluntly, but it’s true! Raj was a kind soul at heart, and no matter how much someone wrongs him, he ends up forgiving them, even if he was never extended an apology. No matter how much he’d been hurt, or betrayed, even if someone was downright disrespectful, Raj was always willing to extend his love. Even if it’s undeserved.
Bowie would know, he still remembers all those years ago, after all.
And years later, Raj hadn’t changed.
Raj blinked at him, confusion clear in his eyes. He tilted his head, action reflected his innocence. Well— In Bowie’s eyes, anyway. “What’d you mean?”
“That goes for anyone who was ever mean to you, too. Like some of your classmates back in highschool, or neighbors that just can’t mind their own business.” Maybe Bowie was talking too much, but he couldn’t stop, like his thoughts poured out with just his pure desperation. He couldn't contain it. “I know you love them, I know you care about how other people feel, but maybe they don’t deserve you.—”
Bowie still remembered clearly, when he felt this way about himself, too.
Because really, what did Bowie do to deserve Raj?
“—And it’s been years, and they still haven’t changed.”
Bowie wondered if he had ever changed, too.
“They hurt you, and you did nothing to deserve it. How could you ever forgive people like that?”
Bowie tried not to think about that time in Total Drama much anymore, he’d like to think he had improved and changed, that after so much time, Bowie could confidently say he had grown.
But had he?
Let’s face it, Bowie was still just as shitty as he was when he was seventeen, at least in some ways. He was still that hypercompetitive, cunning person he had always been, and part of him was still proud of it. Sure, growing up meant he had to have changed, even in certain aspects, but at his core, Bowie was still…Bowie.
Raj was still just as forgiving, too.
Raj was the same, wonderful, compassionate person as he had always been. He was Raj, after all.
The thought that Raj could do better haunted him once in a while.
By the time Bowie’s attention snapped back to their conversation, Raj was looking at him intently. Bowie worried that what he had said crossed a line— and maybe it did, but Bowie pursed his lips and waited instead.
“…Do you…know. I’m still mad about Julia lying to everyone and voting you off?”
Bowie blinked at Raj, confused.
“What’s it got to do with the wedding?” Wait. “You are? But…I thought you forgave her. The show even aired it.”
“Mhm! To this day, actually.” Raj nodded energetically. “I only worked with her because Wayner convinced me to, but really, I just pretended to be nice so we could peacefully get through the challenge without too many conflicts.”
Now Bowie was even more floored, so much so that his mouth unconsciously dropped and stayed agape for a moment, only to regain his composure when Raj laughed at his reaction. “B-But…huh?”
“Just because I’m nice to someone who did bad things to me doesn’t mean I forgave them, Bows.” Raj smiled gently, fingers interlocking with Bowie’s own. Bowie felt the coolness of Raj’s wedding ring against his skin. “Sure, I try to be a little lenient, but that’s just ‘cause I don’t like to feel upset. I only really forgive people if they deserve it.”
“But what’s the point then?” Bowie mumbled, his gaze downcasted. “If you’re going to play nice with everyone, what’s the difference? At that point, could you even tell who deserves your forgiveness and who doesn’t?”
Raj seemed to have thought about it for a little longer, but eventually, he glanced back at Bowie. “For me, forgiveness means you still have trust.” The jock decided. “If I’m nice just to be polite and don't fully forgive someone, then I keep some distance. If I forgive someone for something, then I still wanna be friends, or whatever the equivalent is to that.”
Bowie…suppose he gets it. But one thing was still nagging on his mind.
“Aren’t you worried someone will hurt you again?”
Raj, as if he had already figured out why Bowie was so pressed over this, scooted closer and brought his hands up to Bowie’s face.
“Sometimes, but I know I surround myself with good people who will be there for me, and that I’m not alone.” Raj mused, his voice lowered in volume. “People who care about me, and love me, and worry about me and just want the best for me. Those kinda people.”
The taller boy’s heart raced, eyes averted. Even after years of dating, Bowie wasn’t any less enamored with Raj than he was years ago.
He gulped. “I’m…those kinda people too, right? People you trust?”
Raj grinned cheekily. “Bowie, we are getting married.” He stated the obvious. “Not sure there’s a bigger sign that you’re someone I trust than that.”
Stupidly, Bowie grinned at his own stupid question too.
Because yes, they stayed together for eight years, are living together, and are now planning their wedding as we speak. Life literally couldn’t be much better, now that their relationship was about to take the next big step.
In hindsight, Bowie had no reason to doubt Raj.
Raj though, wasn’t done speaking yet. “I know you don’t think we have everything in common personality wise, but that’s okay! I like that we’re different. I don’t really mind that you like scheming, or that you don’t trust people easily. You’re kinder than you realize, especially if you’re worried about it.”
Bowie wasn’t sure if he fully believed it, but when he’s with Raj, he tended not to overthink as much. “Maybe. But I’m only nice to you, so that probably doesn’t count.”
“Even when we first met, I started liking you because you were nice to me, remember? We were practically strangers then.” The other boy insisted, pulling Bowie in and resting their foreheads against one another. “I don’t need you to be a model person or anything, I already think you’re wonderful.”
And just like that, Bowie felt reassured.
“I really don’t think I deserve you sometimes, you know?” Bowie smiled, apologetic. Raj shook his head, tender hands still kept on his face.
“Too bad, ‘cause I want to be with you. No one else.”
With such sweet words, Raj leaned in and pressed a soft kiss on Bowie’s lips, short but full of love. The shorter boy giggled when Bowie leaned back in to return the kiss just as tenderly.
The two of them devolved into hushed whispers and delighted giggles barely audible to anyone else as they took turns peppering little kisses onto each other's face, trying their best to draw out laughter from the other boy.
It was silly, but a moment to be treasured among many.
Eventually, they broke apart. They still had a few things to go over on their wedding plans, and they were getting a little too distracted than their self-imposed schedule would appreciate, probably.
Raj went back to sit at his previous spot (A little bit too far from Bowie, if you were to ask him.) and grabbed his neglected notebook of names, humming to himself for a quiet moment.
“But now that you mention it…maybe I won’t invite them.” Raj pondered aloud, tapping the side of the thin notepad in a rhythm. “It’s my wedding, so maybe not being super nice when I don’t want to be is okay once in a while, eh?”
Bowie barely contained a smirk, glancing at Raj up and down. “Woah, are you going to be a groomzilla? That’s not what I was expecting from you.”
For his joke, he received a light punch in the arm, followed by laughter.
“A lot of them live outside of Canada, anyway. Chances are they won’t come ‘cause of travel costs.” Raj explained, placing his notes back down. “I’ll think about it. Maybe I’ll talk to my mom and dad about it so they can help me decide if it’s a good idea.”
“They’ll probably just say ‘whatever you want, sweetheart’ or something like that.”
Raj snickered. “You know them real well now, eh?”
Bowie smirked, leaning his weight on one of his arms. “What kind of son in law would I be if I didn’t know my husband’s parents, even just a little bit?”
“If you say so.” Raj hummed, before placing his notepad, alongside some folders onto the bedside table. The brunette turned to look at the digital clock there, too. “It’s getting near dinner time. Wanna go out to the convenience store for some snacks?”
Bowie raised a brow, but his smile betrayed his skeptical expression. “Right before dinner? Really?”
Raj let out a dramatic whine, throwing himself against Bowie and putting the back of one of his hands on his forehead for increased visual impact. “But I want ice cream!”
“We have them in the freezer.”
“No, ‘cause We used our last bits to make smoothies with Wayner for our movie marathon last weekend, remember?”
Oh right, that did happen.
Bowie glanced down, and Raj had his hands clasped together, puppy dog eyes engaged. “Pleeeease?”
The taller boy sighed.
“Fine.”
“YAY!” Raj cheered and immediately jumped off the bed and onto his feet. Bowie rolled his eyes playfully and followed suit at a much calmer pace.
“You’re such a silly, silly person. Y’know that?”
“That’s on you, you chose to be with a silly person. You’re gonna be stuck with me forever in a bit, and I’m going to be sooo silly just to spite you.” Raj sassed, but still extended out one of his hands for Bowie to hold.
Bowie smiled.
“Stuck with you forever doesn’t sound so bad.” He decided, hand reached out to grab onto Raj’s, as the two headed out of their room and apartment. As they walked, Raj unconsciously swung their joint hands with vigor, letting excitement about everything carry through into the conversation as he talked about the newest hockey-related thing going on. Bowie watched him bounce on his feet, smiling.
Maybe Bowie had nothing to worry about after all.