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"We need to talk."
Shran always picked the damnedest times to have a chat. Only ten minutes ago they had been getting dressed in Archer's quarters together, seemingly with no issues to discuss. Archer didn't understand why Shran had waited until he'd gone to the gym and worked up a sweat to burst in and demand a conversation. But he could recognize that he wasn't going to get in anything resembling a workout while Shran was this agitated, so he turned the treadmill off and leaned against it.
"What is it?"
"I just met Trip in the corridor. He has... enhanced his teeth. He showed them to me, and asked if they looked good."
Shran seemed to be choosing his words very carefully, as though he were afraid Archer would get angry. Archer couldn't figure out what was supposed to be upsetting.
"Enhanced his teeth?" seemed the obvious question to ask.
"His canines were longer and very sharp," Shran explained.
"He did mention he wanted to be a vampire for Halloween this year," Archer mused. "I guess he went through with it. So did it look good?"
"Jonathan!" Color was rising in Shran's cheeks. His antenna twitched. "That's not the point. He—he asked me if I was going to come tonight."
"To the Halloween party, or...?" The conversation had yet to clear up any confusion. Shran was flustered over something, but Archer couldn't for the life of him figure out why Halloween would be such a problem. Half the crew didn't observe it at all, and people weren't allowed to wear costumes on duty. Trip getting his vampire teeth put on early was pushing this rule a little, but Archer was prepared to overlook it as long as they didn't interfere with his duties.
"What is Halloween?" Shran asked.
"It's a human holiday. People wear costumes, exchange candy, and celebrate scary things. There's going to be a party in the rec room tonight."
"And is it traditional to sexually proposition people on this day?"
"What? No!" Just when he'd thought the conversation was turning normal. But no, Shran looked madder than ever.
"So why did the commander do it to me?" Shran demanded.
"Wait, when did he do that?"
"I told you!" Shran actually stomped his foot. It would have been funny if he weren't so pissed. "He flaunted his teeth at me! And they were so big! It was—vulgar."
"Oh. Uh." Finally the pieces were starting to come together. Archer knew Shran was a big fan of using his teeth in bed, but he hadn't really considered the implications for how that carried over to other contexts. "Humans don't consider it inherently sexual to show their teeth to someone. Unless Trip said something explicit, he wasn't trying to, uh, proposition you."
"And how can you be sure of that?" Shran definitely wasn't done being grumpy about it.
Archer coughed. "Because Trip spends as little time as possible thinking about your sex life."
That, at least, got a snort out of Shran, and he relaxed the smallest bit.
"I suppose that's accurate."
"Look, I'll talk to him." Archer came around the treadmill and put a hand on Shran's arm. "Intentional or not, he did make you uncomfortable, and that's not right. But I'm sure if I explain it to him, he'll have an apology for you."
"I would appreciate that," Shran said, and covered Archer's hand with his own. The offering had been accepted.
"And if he doesn't apologize, he's going straight to the brig and missing the Halloween party," Archer promised.
Shran smirked a little, but all he had to say was "I'm sure that won't be necessary."
"And hey—thanks for coming to me about this. I'm sure it wasn't easy."
It had to be damn difficult, really, for Shran to tell his partner and captain that his best friend had just acted inappropriately. Even more so when Archer didn't understand at first. But trust and candor had eventually won the day. The fact that a conversation like this could happen was a sign of the health of their relationship.
"Who else would I have come to about it?" Shran said, and shrugged.
"Well, typically the first officer handles personnel issues."
"Oh, I see."
Archer bit the inside of his cheek to keep from showing his amusement. Shran and T'Pol more or less got along these days, but they definitely didn't seek out each other's company, and from the look on Shran's face he wasn't planning to change now. But there was no need to discuss that, so a change of subject was in order.
"So... are you planning to come to the Halloween party? I was going to stop by after my shift, even though I don't have a costume. Everybody is welcome."
"I hadn't planned on it," Shran said. "Perhaps I will try it. I still have much to learn about human culture, clearly."
"Well, maybe we'll cross paths then."
"I can only hope. I should leave you to your exercise."
And that was that. One kiss and a few antennae taps goodbye later, Archer was back at it on the treadmill, idly pondering the situation. There had been a fair bit of culture clash since their relationship started, but new instances always managed to take him by surprise. He would never have imagined that fake teeth could be such a problem.
But perhaps it could also be an opportunity. An idea was taking root, and the more he thought about it, the more opportunity he saw.
Perhaps he wouldn't be spending long at the party after all.
—
Shran's day had improved considerably since its beginning. The highlight of his lunch was Trip showing up to offer a profuse apology.
Watching Trip try to talk without showing any part of his newly lengthened teeth was quite entertaining. Shran felt a little foolish for ever needing to be reminded that the commander was the opposite of interested in him. But that move with the teeth had seemed so blatant at the time, Shran hadn't been thinking about it at all. It was only after Archer had reminded him that the pieces clicked into place and the whole incident started to make sense.
Shran was petty enough to enjoy Trip's red-faced stammering, but it was best not to revel in it too much. They were supposed to be trying to get along, after all. So after a few "I'm so sorry"s and an "I would never do that on purpose, I swear," he graciously interrupted to let Trip know that the apology was accepted and all was forgiven. Trip smiled in relief, but not too widely, and made good his escape.
It was a bit of a shame that humans didn't actually have teeth that impressive. Given their evolutionary history, there was nothing they needed such long sharp fangs for, but it would be so nice. Oh well. Archer's teeth were shapely enough, and a pleasing color, and most importantly, he was easily persuaded to put them to use when it counted. That would have to be enough.
The Halloween party was also somewhat of a letdown. Shran gamely attended, but despite his best efforts he couldn't quite see the point. Very few people had coordinated their costumes with each other, resulting in a random assortment of references to Earth culture that Shran could not make sense of. And though most of the partygoers seemed happy to see him there, his own lack of costume made him feel out of place.
The promised celebration of scary things seemed token at best. Several fake human skeletons made of paper were hung up, but they were far from intimidating. Shran could appreciate the logistical and ethical difficulties in displaying the real thing, but at least it would have been an effective reminder of mortality. Bats also featured heavily in the decorations, but having never seen the real thing, Shran could not figure out what was supposed to be scary about them.
The food was interesting, and he surprised several people by liking the punch, but it wasn't quite enough to carry the party. Shran waited patiently for Archer's shift to be over, then waited impatiently for him to show his face, since he had mentioned he might. But twenty minutes after shift change there was still no sign of him, and the music was getting on Shran's nerves. So he swiped one last cup of punch, made his excuses, and left to track down his mate.
Archer was proving annoyingly hard to find, and the punch was long gone by the time Shran had checked the bridge, the exercise room, and sick bay. This last was particularly vexing, as Phlox only smiled wider than usual and advised him to check the captain's quarters. That had been his next idea anyway, so Shran headed for D deck with due speed. He might have been stomping a little by the time he came around the corridor and finally found Archer, about to enter his quarters.
"Oh hey," he said, looking surprised but happy to see Shran.
"Where have you been? I thought you were coming to the party."
Shran hadn't meant it to sound like an accusation, but he wasn't doing a very good job of hiding his mood. Fortunately Archer didn't look too offended.
"Shorry I'm late, I had to, uh, take care of shomething."
Shran frowned. Archer didn't usually look this pleased with himself, and he definitely didn't usually talk like that.
"Did something happen to your mouth?"
Archer looked like he was trying not to giggle. He actually clapped a hand over his mouth to hide his grin. Shran's frown deepened further.
"You cou' shay that. Come in."
Archer tapped his passcode and entered his quarters. Shran followed close behind, keen to solve the mystery.
"Are you in need of medical attention?"
"Nah, I just came from Phwox actually. He helped me put on—these."
Archer grinned widely, and Shran gasped outright, his next question dying in his throat.
His human had gone and put on fangs. Long, perfectly symmetrical, and viciously sharp, they gleamed in the light. Shran realized they were slightly larger than the ones Trip had shown him. No wonder Archer was having some trouble with words. Shran was having trouble with them himself, faced with such a beautiful sight.
"A-ha, easy," Archer said, and Shran was almost startled to realize he had moved forward and was sliding one inquisitive finger along the curve of the new tooth. "They're only glued on, they'll pop off if they're messed with too much."
That was disappointing, since Shran was already getting hot and bothered thinking of all the ways he might be able to, ahem, mess with them. But he was sure they could manage to have fun despite the limitations. The fangs were just as sharp as they appeared, easily able to draw blood. Archer just needed to be willing to use them.
Luckily, he looked nearly as eager as Shran.
"Do you know what vampires are supposed to do with these?"
"I have no idea."
It was an honest reply as well as an invitation—one Archer fully intended to take, if the grin and the sinful way he licked his lips was any clue. Shran nearly fainted with lust at the way Archer almost accidentally cut his own tongue in the process.
"Lay down and I'll show you."