Archive of Our Own ^beta

Kazuya.

It's not that Kazuya doesn't listen to music. He just never thinks of putting on a playlist while he's reading their baseball stats, or when he's working out, or when he's sitting or lying in bed doing nothing, most of the time. 

Of course, he still has favorite songs that he listens to when he remembers them. Though those songs are mostly what his father played back when he was still living with him. He loves the piano version of Skyline Pigeon. Let It Be is a must play. Everything I Own is that one heartbreak song that he absolutely loved and he still finds himself humming it sometimes.

The songs that he knows are what his dad was playing loud through his speakers back then. That being said, Kazuya doesn't really know the songs of his generation. He knows a few only because the one in-charge of putting on a playlist in the team loves to repeat songs, and he's only a little familiar with others.

So Kazuya is a little confused when he hears a song playing in room 5. He is just passing by the room but he finds himself stopping his tracks because the music sounds so raw, the voice and the guitar accompanying it, like someone is actually singing inside the room—

–which is what makes him want to laugh because room 5 is Kuramochi and Sawamura's room. Those two don't sing.

Right?

The door is slightly open so Kazuya pushes it a little, not minding who's actually inside because it's just either Kuramochi or Sawamura, or the two of them, and takes a look.

Kazuya's eyes have to roam around the room for a second until he spots a person sitting on the floor, his back leaning on the bed and his head lying on it. 

It's like his brain short-circuits for a moment. He's trying to, in milliseconds quickly passing, process what he's actually seeing. 

It is Sawamura singing with a guitar in his hands and skillfully (maybe he's exaggerating this part) strumming it.

Sawamura doesn't notice him yet because his eyes are closed and he looks like he's actually into his own world right now, so Kazuya continues watching him because as much as he's stunned, he can't help but get impressed by the southpaw, with how good he strums the guitar and his voice.

Sawamura can sing.

Kazuya wishes he's exaggerating but he's not. The loudmouth pitcher can sing and has a really nice singing voice and, for some reason, it is making him breathless.

Kazuya is not familiar with the song but it's a love song and the context he's getting from it, so far, is the person talking about how they are glad that their ex-lover still accepted them.

Sawamura smiles when he reaches the chorus, like he's really feeling the song, like he's experienced it, because Kazuya can hear relief and comfort from the southpaw's voice. With his eyes closed, it's like he's imagining singing it in front of his beloved one.

And Kazuya, who has never heard the song before, wonders if it's an original song written and composed by him. Or if it's not, Sawamura experienced something like what the song is telling about because he looks like he did from the way he's smiling and frowning and how he's putting on emotions to the song.

Either way, Kazuya is rooted at the door while watching Sawamura, who is still unaware of his presence, and can't find the strength to pull himself out the door and leave Sawamura in his own little world alone.

The loud southpaw's singing voice is soft and gentle, a total opposite of when he's shouting on and off field like thunder roaring in the sky. It's soothing like he's trying to make someone fall asleep with his voice. It's full of emotions, like he's pouring his heart on to this song like how he does in every pitch he's throwing.

You took back all the tears and sadness from my heart

As Sawamura finishes the song, Kazuya watches him take a deep breath, his lips are curved with a smile, and slowly opens his eyes. The pitcher puts down the guitar on the floor and the second after that is when he only looks up at the door and meets his gaze. Sawamura's eyes instantly widen from realizing that he has an audience watching him.

“What the?!” Sawamura shrieks on the floor, looking genuinely surprised. “You're watching?!”

Kazuya should deny it because it's weird, right? Watching someone's little private time. But he is the bastard senpai as this loudmouth thinks of him, so he smirks and puts a hand on waist.

“Ooh. I didn't know you had another talent than being loud, Sawamura,” he says with the tone that Sawamura hates hearing so much.

“Shut up.” Sawamura stands and Kazuya notices the flush creeping on the southpaw's face. He takes the guitar from the floor and puts it back on its case.

“You should never try singing in front of others though if you don't want to embarrass yourself even more.”

Of course. Of course, he is lying. Kazuya knows that himself. He's literally rooted on the southpaw's door because he's so stunned by how pretty his voice was. He couldn't find it in himself to walk away. He was staring at him and he was amazed that he almost felt disappointed when Sawamura finished singing.

Sawamura narrows his eyes at him and glares. “I don't have any plan on doing that, Miyuki Kazuya.” The southpaw rests the guitar on the top of his bunk bed and walks to him. “Why are you even watching me? So creepy.”

Kazuya raises an eyebrow and lets out an amused grin. “If you didn't want anyone to hear you singing, you should've closed your door and locked it.” He steps out of the room and Sawamura does too. “Too bad for you, I was passing by when you were imagining that you were performing at a concert.”

“I did not!” Sawamura yells beside his ear and Kazuya can't say he missed that after hearing an angelic version of that voice. “You are just a creep!”

They both walk to the cafeteria to have their dinner.

Actually, Kazuya wants to be a jerk and tease Sawamura about his newly found talent. But he can't find it in himself to do that because he can still hear the southpaw's voice in his head and he can still see him strumming the guitar like he's so used to playing the said instrument.

“Nice guitar skills though,” he says so quietly that he thinks Sawamura probably didn't hear because of how noisy it is inside the cafeteria, then he joins his own circle as he sits beside Kuramochi.

Kazuya knows that Sawamura heard it because he can feel the southpaw's gaze behind him.

Kazuya wants to watch and listen to him again.

*

Kazuya finds the song online after searching the line that stuck to him the most.

So it isn't Sawamura's original song (and like, it's not a surprise to be honest). Kazuya keeps thinking about it because it felt like Sawamura sang it like he owns the song and the experience behind it, and the song is just, really, stuck in his head.

The audio version is nice.

But… it doesn't leave as much impact on him as he's expecting it to.

It's not like there's a lot of difference between the original version and how Sawamura sang it, but… Kazuya doesn't know. He prefers Sawamura's. He wants to hear Sawamura sing again while playing the guitar at the same time.

So here's the plan.

Okay, no. There's no plan. He just needs to do something to make Sawamura bring out his guitar and sing in front of him or/with everyone else.

And this is so weird because why the hell am I obsessing over Sawamura singing?

Maybe he really is a creep.

Also, he's thinking that if he's going to be honest with Sawamura, probably, maybe, that southpaw can grant him a song or two. Just to, well, hear his voice again.

Also, if he's going to be really… really honest with himself, he badly wants to gatekeep this new discovery about Sawamura. 

So maybe, he really is a creep.

It's not about the song that he looked at online. It's his voice. And the way he strums the guitar so smoothly.

But that's the thing. He can't do that. He… can't.

Because. As much as he loves to tease everyone, Kazuya just knows that he will not survive Sawamura's teasing about it. And Kazuya, for some reason he can't pinpoint why he thinks he will not. But still. Everything but that. 

And another, Sawamura may tease him back a lot especially in the field whether they are practicing or playing an official game, but it's Sawamura.

So what he does is do the thing he's mastered for a few months: tease Sawamura.

“Can you do me a favor?” he asks at one time when everyone is gathered in his room. Sawamura looks at Kazuya with furrowed eyebrows, looking irritated because he's been tasked to get everyone drinks from the vending machine.

“Get your guitar and sing in front of everyone.” He grins a little too enthusiastic, making him look like a total jerk, probably. He wishes he does. (doesn't.) “Maybe if they hear your horrible voice, they will willingly leave my room.”

“What do you mean horrible?!” Sawamura's eyes turn into cat eyes. “Your personality is the only horrible thing here.”

Kazuya laughs cheekily. “Thank you!”

The southpaw glares at him before he gets on his toes and walks to the door. “I hope everyone will stay in your room until midnight so you won't be able to sleep.”

At least Sawamura doesn't slam the door to not get any attention from everyone else.

And maybe that isn't the best way to get Sawamura to get his guitar and willingly show his hidden talent. That's a little too much, Kazuya admits.

He still listens to the song that Sawamura sang though, even if he prefers the southpaw's version; Kazuya thinks he's starting to forget how Sawamura sang the song. The image of Sawamura sitting on the floor of his room with his head lying on his bed, strumming the guitar with his eyes closed, that image is still clear in Kazuya's mind. He thinks that even if he wants to forget it, it's already engraved in his mind that he's never going to have a problem recollecting that certain image. 

However, he's starting to forget what Sawamura's singing voice actually sounds like. It's been days (two weeks?) since he caught Sawamura singing in his room and discovering that the southpaw has another talent than being loud and annoying, and well, being an amazing pitcher.

Kazuya has already memorized the song and he tries to imagine Sawamura singing it, but he can't hear his voice anymore. 

“Boss!” the southpaw yells and Kazuya already knows what he's going to say. “Do you want me to warm up in the bullpen tomorrow from the first inning?” Kazuya softly smirks. That's the idiot's way to sell himself to the coach so that he would let him play. Not that Kazuya doubts that Sawamura will not get his chance in their next game, but it still all depends on the coach's decision.

There are a few seconds of silence on Coach Kataoka's side before he quietly answers, “Okay.”

“Great! I will not disappoint you, boss!” And the idiot southpaw loudly exhales.

Kazuya is supposed to practice with Furuya for the night but Sawamura cornered him once again and didn't let him go until he said yes. (He could say no though just like he always does but he wants to practice with Sawamura too.)

Well, one thing about Sawamura is that he has patience to wait when he knows it's not his time to practice with him yet. But he's also in the same practice facility as him and Furuya while playing catch with younger Kominato. And he's loud. His voice is loud and also his boisterous laugh as well as his movements. It almost seems like he's seeking attention from him to finish his practice with Furuya already.

Kazuya has a number of pitches he allows Furuya to throw. Honestly, Furuya is in a great condition so when they reach the limit in his mind, even when Furuya insists that can throw more, he tells him to step out the mound and calls Sawamura to replace him.

From where Kazuya's standing, he sees how Sawamura's eyes glisten the moment he tells him to step on the mound. He smiles so wide and so bright that he thinks it's insane because it's already dark outside the training facility but Kazuya feels like he's suddenly looking at the sun.

Sawamura's pitches are well-controlled and honestly, Kazuya can tell him that they can stop already so they can rest early. But watching Sawamura genuinely enjoying how he's pitching stops him from getting on his toes. He can see how the southpaw is thrilled in every pitch that he throws because Kazuya can feel the confidence in every ball he's catching, and he knows that Sawamura can actually feel how he's doing great during this practice  session.

And Kazuya just really doesn't want to stop yet. 

(because he wants to keep looking at Sawamura)

But of course, they have to stop at some point and Kazuya is just as disappointed as Sawamura who's pouting as if there's never going to be a chance for them to practice again.

“Do you think I'll get to play tomorrow?” Sawamura suddenly asks as they walk back to the dorm.

Kazuya halts his step and looks at Sawamura. He can't exactly see his expression but he heard the genuine curiosity in the southpaw's voice. In a millisecond, Kazuya's contemplating if he should play with him and give him an annoying answer, or be a kind senpai and captain and a nice catcher who is Sawamura's partner on the field and give an honest answer.

“Maybe. You've been doing great and the coach can see that,” he says, shrugging.

Sawamura nods and Kazuya wonders if he's satisfied with his answer.

“Or if you are desperate enough, bring out your guitar, go to the coach's office  and try serenading him.” And he smirks. “Maybe you can get him to change his mind and make you the starter instead.”

Or both.

Kazuya can't quite see Sawamura's face but he can feel the heated glare that he's giving him. “Why are you such a jerk?”

“Haha. Born this way.”

Sawamura clicks his tongue and he doesn't look at him at all when he continues walking to the way of his room. “I hope you get nightmares,” he mumbles.

“Sawamura,” Kazuya calls almost immediately, his heart suddenly picking up its pace because he called him without thinking, without knowing what to say. And it would be great if Sawamura ignores him because he's annoyed at him right? But he stops walking and turns his head around to look at him. At the spot where he's standing is where a lamp is above him making Sawamura's features visible, his frowned eyebrows and curved lips in annoyance, but his eyes are glowing and showing curiosity.

Sawamura doesn't speak though and only waits for Kazuya to say why he called him, and that is making him nervous because there was no reason. At all.

“If I am going to decide though,” he says and he's hoping that his voice is not quivering. “I want to see you standing on the mound tomorrow.”

Kazuya sees how the frown in Sawamura's forehead slowly disappears while his eyes widen and his lips part.

Nothing but silence covers them for a few seconds. Kazuya can feel the loud beating of his heart while watching Sawamura process what he just said… until he smiles. He smiles big and warmly and his eyes are curving because of it. And Kazuya just… stares.

“It's so nice to hear that from you, cap!” He grins brightly. “Thanks.” And he bows. “Goodnight!”

Sawamura continues his way and Kazuya just stands there, watching the southpaw enter his room. He takes two deep breaths and slides his hand through his hair.

“Yeah.”

He nods.

“Right.”

Then he climbs the stairs and goes to his room.

*

Never came a day where Kazuya would feel like he is Sawamura Eijun level of stupidness.

For the past few days ( weeks?), he's been obsessing about wanting to hear Sawamura sing again while watching him play a guitar. Of course, the teasing will never work. It's just making Sawamura mad and more hard headed. Despite the disappointment though, he loves seeing smoke coming out from Sawamura's ears and nose and his aggravated expression caused by him and directed to him.

Of course, if he wants to see Sawamura playing a guitar— that Kazuya has no idea if that guitar's owned by Sawamura or by someone else— and hear him singing again, of course, the only place he can witness the southpaw doing just that without the need of teasing him is by going to room 5. Sawamura's shared room with Kuramochi. Sawamura's safe space. The only place where Sawamura can sing his heart out. The only place where Sawamura sings willingly.

Kazuya doesn't really go to Kuramochi and Sawamura's room since he never really felt like he had a reason to go there. Most of the time, like always , they are the ones invading his room like they own it. But for a change— or maybe he just wants to see a glimpse of the only southpaw of the team since they didn't get to practice together for the day at all and he is thinking maybe, just maybe, Sawamura might want to play catch—he visits room 5.

He doesn't knock and he just turns the door knob and opens the door since he knows no one will get mad at him for the lack of manners while visiting a room below his.

What welcomes him though is a sound of a guitar being strummed so gently and so familiar and a voice accompanying it that he's been wanting, yearning, to hear once again.

Kazuya is, once again, rooted at the door. His lips are parted and his heart is racing and warmth is starting to crawl from his neck up to his face.

For a second, Kazuya thought that Sawamura will stop because of how much he teases him, saying how horrible his voice is and how he should keep this talent a secret but Sawamura only glances at him and then he looks at his guitar and then to the wall in front of him. 

I can take all the madness the world has to give

But I won't last a day without you

(carpenters - i won't last a day without you)

Kazuya only then realizes that Sawamura is singing an old song. It's one of those songs that his dad loved to play back then and often sang along with. Kazuya doesn't know the title though since he never bothered to check. But it makes him feel something in his stomach, butterflies or something. He's quickly overwhelmed and yet he wants to hear more. He wants to continue listening. He wants to continue watching. He wants to…

just keep looking at Sawamura until this certain image is once again engraved in his mind.

“Oi , bastard.” Kazuya's attention gets taken away by Kuramochi. “Why are you here? Do you need something?” He's raising an eyebrow to him like he's expecting that there's a big reason for his sudden visit.

“No…” His voice comes out hoarse so he has to clear his throat and repeat, “No.”

Kuramochi narrows his eyes and looks at him suspiciously. “Yes, of course.” He takes a glance at Sawamura who's in his own world for a second and looks at him again… and tilts his head a little sideways.

Kazuya feels like there's something behind that.

No, Kuramochi is one perceptive idiot so there is definitely a meaning behind that glance and head tilt.

Kazuya can't think of any reason why Kuramochi would do that so instead of overthinking, he says, “Oh?” and grins impishly. “Am I not allowed to visit here without any reasons?”

“It's not that.” Kuramochi looks at him very unimpressed. “But who knows you’re scheming something.”

Kazuya puts a hand on his chest and shows a pained expression. “Ouch,” he dramatically says. “Your lack of trust pains me so much.”

Kuramochi rolls your eyes and shakes his head.

“Maybe I’m just bored, Kuramochi.” Kazuya raises his shoulders and smiles comically.

“Ah, so you chose this room to disturb us instead.” That sounds like Kuramochi isn’t asking him but Kazuya still answers yes.

He lets out a chuckle. “It’s not like you two are busy to be disturbed.” Without any warnings, he sits beside Sawamura. “Right?” Kazuya turns his head to Sawamura— who stops strumming his guitar and looks at him, wide-eyed, slightly frowning eyebrows and lips parting.

“Miyuki Kazuya.” It’s just his name but Sawamura sounds suspicious of him already. “Are you here to make fun of me?”

“Now why would I do that?” Kazuya asks, a little rush, maybe sounds defensive too because  his mouth lets out words on its own before he can stop himself.

Sawamura narrows his eyes, obviously not believing him.

Kazuya looks back at Kuramochi whose arms are crossed while watching him and Sawamura, then looks again at the southpaw beside him, and he repeats that motion twice before he breathily blurts out, “Wow.” He puts a hand on his chest once again. “I feel so welcomed here.”

Sawamura pouts before removing his eyes from him. He moves away a little, and Kuzuya might have felt really hurt by that if it isn’t because Sawamura needs a space for his guitar.

“I’m going out,” Kuramochi says as he takes a step to the door. “Don’t bully Sawamura too much, Miyuki.”

By that, Sawamura whips his head to his beloved senpai and without remorse to the person’s ears sitting beside him, he yells, “What’s with the ‘too much’, Kuramochi-senpai?! You’re allowing him to bully me?” He sounds betrayed too.

Kuramochi raises an eyebrow. “As if I can stop that bastard, Bakamura.”

Sawamura clicks his tongue and pouts again, and sulks beside him. That’s entertaining enough for Kazuya that he can’t help but slightly shake his head and laugh amusedly. He then looks at Kuramochi and shows an okay sign. “Roger that.” For all Kazuya knows, that green haired shortstop will call anyone who’s available and gather in his room instead to play his video games. He watches the door close and turns his head in Sawamura’s direction— who’s already looking at him.

“What are the songs that you can sing, Sawamura?” he asks, genuinely curious.

“Why are you asking? You always say that I have a horrible voice.” He sounds very bitter and okay, it’s Kazuya’s fault.

“Okay. Let me fix the question then.” Sawamura blinks and Kazuya can see the curiosity in his eyes. “What are the songs that you can play?”

“Why are you asking? So you can make fun of my guitar skills too?” Sawamura sounds like he's still sulking but accusatory at the same time.

“Why would I do that ?” Kazuya asks, genuinely but he's not sure if that can be heard from his voice. “Didn't I tell you that you have nice guitar skills?”

…though he wished that Sawamura didn’t hear it at that time.

Kazuya watches how flush creeps from Sawamura’s neck up to his cheeks then to his ears. He also notices how the southpaw with a secret talent subtly gulps.

“W-when?” Sawamura turns his head to avoid his eyes, at least that’s what Kazuya likes to think he did. But he sees how Sawamura's pupils are shaking. “I never heard that.”

Kazuya smirks. Sawamura doesn’t even try to be convincing about that.

“Come on, play something,” he pushes.

Sawamura pointedly shoots a glare at him for a second or two before he takes a deep breath, positions his fingers on the guitar's fretboard and starts strumming.

The moment Kazuya realizes what song Sawamura decides to play, his heart instantly picks up its pace. It's like he drank two cans of his favorite coffee and the effect instantly makes his heart beat faster than it should even though he's used to drinking coffee. 

Sawamura being loud is okay, someone he's used to, someone he's familiar with. But Sawamura playing a guitar is still something he's trying to get used to. It's unfamiliar, it's new, but instead of the irritating feeling he gets because of how fast his heart beats because of coffee, this is something he can get used to. It's overwhelming, but as he watches Sawamura with the same focus whenever he stands on the mound, he thinks he can get used to his heart racing in his chest like this.

(callalily - ex)

Despite of what I did, you still accepted me

You let go of the past, now I'm all yours

Kazuya is not expecting Sawamura to sing at all so when he opens his mouth and starts singing, Kazuya just stops… breathing.

Yours

He's staring at Sawamura and listening to him and he's just there, frozen and unable to process that Sawamura is singing the song from that time when he caught him in his own world in this room and has been obsessing at the thought of wanting to hear this same song singing by Sawamura again.

Yours

The southpaw closes his eyes.

Yours

Kazuya watches how Sawamura lifts his lips to a smile when he strums before the chorus and there is that question again.

You pulled me and hug me tight

Nothing can compare to your love

How is Sawamura able to smile like that while singing this song? Why does he seem like he already experienced that heartbreak and reconciliation? 

You took all the tears and sadness away from my heart

Why does he seem like he already experienced that feeling? Did he sing this song for someone before?

Somehow, with all those questions running around in Kazuya's head, he can't help but feel bitter about it. Or more accurately, if he's going to be really, really honest with himself, he feels jealous . Who's that person who can make Sawamura do these expressions? In love, happy…

Contented.

But despite those, Kazuya can't make himself look away. He wants to print this image again in his head. He wants the way Sawamura's hand skillfully plays the guitar on repeat, stuck in his head like a broken video. He wants to memorize the sound of his singing voice that instantly became one of the things that he lo– became one of his few favorite things about him. (He's lying. He has a lot of favorite things about Sawamura.)

I thought you changed and everything was over

Sawamura turns his head to Kazuya's direction and meets his eyes. 

If there is one thing that he can probably admit directly to Sawamura, it's that he always liked his eyes. They are so expressive, even at times when Sawamura doesn't speak, Kazuya can read him so well just by looking at his eyes.

Even if I used you temporarily and left you alone

Sawamura's eyes are just as loud as his voice and it carries more emotions than what he actually yells to the world. Wearing his feelings on his sleeve may be a natural thing for him, but his eyes are more than that. It's more honest, more raw. Kazuya sometimes thinks how is it possible for Sawamura's  eyes to be more sincere, more open, than he actually shows? Than the words he tells to the world?

Let me set straight everything out

Staring back at Sawamura's eyes makes Kazuya want to go up on his feet, join Kuramochi in his games instead and leave him alone. He can't take the emotion in his eyes. He's singing and Kazuya can understand the lyrics really well, about what it is about and who it is about and Kazuya, the aggressive catcher, a brave one who doesn't hesitate to call for games because he's confident like that most of the time, feels weak with the look in Sawamura's eyes. He's singing while looking straight into his eyes and Kazuya feels like he's talking to him instead, like he wrote a love letter and is reading it in front of him. It's too sincere, too genuine, and it's overwhelming. He may be used to Sawamura cursing him in front of him, but him being like this… it's too much.

When Sawamura removes his eyes from him, Kazuya silently takes a very careful deep breath. And he has to do it again a couple times in an attempt to calm himself and the thundering heart in his chest.

Kazuya closes his eyes and lies his head to Sawamura's bed. He can't look at him anymore or he might explode. He can literally feel how warm his face is and he hopes Sawamura won't mention it.

When Sawamura finishes the song, silence covers between them. Kazuya is just staring at the bunk bed while Sawamura, he doesn't know what Sawamura is doing. He hasn't looked at him since the second chorus of the song. He's still trying to get his breathing even while waiting for his heart to calm a bit down.

“Why did you learn that song?” Kazuya finds himself asking, breaking the silence. It must be a weird question when he thinks about it because why is he asking why instead of how.

“It's for one of my friends,” Sawamura says and Kazuya's heart might just break. He wants to laugh. Of course, there's a person he dedicated that song to. He feels stupid for feeling bitter about it but he can't help himself. He wants to roll his eyes and just leave and he should just do that—

“When he and his girlfriend got back together after she forgave him about his mistake.” Oh. “And since I can play a guitar, he made me learn this song and sing it in front of my friend's girlfriend.”

Kazuya finds himself letting out a sigh of relief softly to not let Sawamura see him actually doing it. He has been thinking about it since the first time he heard Sawamura singing that specific song and now that he knows that it's only because Sawamura's friend made him learn it, Kazuya feels like a thorn was pulled out from his chest.

“How come that you seem like you understand the emotion of the song really well?” he finds himself asking when he doesn't mean to, but might as well hear Sawamura's answer since that's also been bugging him.

“I read romance mangas, Miyuki Kazuya,” Sawamura deadpans like it's the most obvious thing about him, like it's a matter of fact.

Kazuya still shrugs though only to let Sawamura see that he doesn't care that much (when he obviously cares a lot).

“So you haven't been in a relationship yet?”

That makes Sawamura squirm. With knit eyebrows, he turns his head to Kazuya's direction almost too violently, his words stammering. “W-what about it?” His eyes turn into cat eyes. “You're gonna make fun of me about it?”

“No, geez.” Kazuya raises both his hands as if he's surrendering. “Why are you so defensive?”

“It's because you love to make fun of me!” Sawamura yells to his face like they aren't only thirty centimeters away from each other.

“Okay,” he says, voice a little quieter than it should. “But I'm just genuinely curious right now.”

Sawamura still has frowns on his eyebrows, obviously skeptical about him and every word he says.

“ No.”

“Hm?”

“No! I haven't been in a relationship yet. Happy?” If Kazuya can hear it right, Sawamura is growling at him like an angry puppy.

“Chill, Sawamura. I told you I'm just genuinely curious.” Though the southpaw might not really believe him because he now has an amused smile— but Sawamura would probably see it as a mocking smile— because he is just so entertaining to watch, with how he just suddenly bursts up his emotions.

Sawamura only pouts and starts strumming his guitar again with a tune that Kazuya is not familiar with, but it's okay. Kazuya is liking the mood around them. He likes to watch Sawamura strumming his guitar and how he looks like he perfectly knows what he's doing.

Somehow, Kazuya feels very relaxed, very light. Well, it's not like he doesn't know the reason behind it and thinking about it is making his heart pound in his chest even more. He even has to bite the inside of his lower lip to stop himself from smiling too much or Sawamura might kick him out his room because he thinks he's making fun of him again.

'Cause I'm always around you

And I'll make you see how beautiful

Life is for you and me

(southborder - rainbow)

If Kazuya is going to be honest, his life has become more interesting, more lively, more beautiful after he met Sawamura for the first time again since they met that day where they were both late in the first day of practice.

But of course, that is something he will never tell Sawamura. Ever.

Or maybe that can be changed someday. Who knows.

*

It has become a thing. Kazuya goes to room 5 and sits beside Sawamura while he plays his guitar and sings different songs; some he's familiar with and can sing– hum along with him, but mostly he hears it from the southpaw for the first time.

Kazuya is not Miyuki Kazuya if he doesn't make fun of someone, tease them like his life depends on it, say something that could make someone curse him to death. And ever since Sawamura joined the team many months ago, he has been the constant subject of his teasing.

Up until recently, Kazuya kept telling the southpaw how horrible his singing voice is, when he's actually trying to gatekeep that voice, the voice that sounds unexpectedly charming because Sawamura is loud, despite his— Kazuya clears his throat— charming personality. If Kazuya fails to realize that Sawamura can be a great singer despite how loud he can be and how annoying his loudness is sometimes then it's on him. There's no logic behind it, it's just he didn't have common sense.

But since he started hanging out in room 5, he just stopped. Kazuya stopped teasing Sawamura about his voice and stopped mentioning the word guitar in general when their teammates are around because he wants to keep it for himself. 

Except Kuramochi, no one knows about Sawamura's other talent yet and Kazuya, he wants to be selfish, he wants to keep this thing a secret for as long as it can be. With Sawamura not revealing it with others yet, with how he visits their dorm room now more frequently than the southpaw visits his room these days, it feels like it's their own little thing. 

Of course, Kazuya can see how Kuramochi narrows his eyes when looks at him the moment he steps into their room and can practically hear what's on his mind.

He chooses to ignore it every single time and thank goodness to Kuramochi for not voicing out his inner frightening thoughts yet because Kazuya, maybe he's too obvious about it but too stupid to notice it either, and he doesn't really know how he's going to face it. Yet. At least not now because he hasn't really thought about it . He knows it's always been there though, he's just not sure for how long already.

Easy for you to take me to star

Heaven is that moment when I look into your eyes

(anne murray - i just fall in love again)

Sawamura looks straight into Kazuya's eyes as he sings and that makes his heart beat wildly, it feels like it's going to make a hole inside his chest. His breathing halts and his throat starts to feel dry. No . He can't take this. The way Sawamura looks at him is making him so weak, literally, that Kazuya thinks if he's standing, his knees already gave up for how weak it feels.

But Kazuya doesn't want to look away. He wants to continue looking at those eyes, soft and sparkling like the first rays of the sunrise. Sawamura feels like he's talking to him and he doesn't want to miss a single emotion from his eyes that are too genuine and too true that Kazuya loves to see and loves to read.

Kazuya's thundering heart is not calming down even after Sawamura finishes the song and puts down his guitar. He looks away and swallows.

“I'm going out for a bit to get a drink.” Sawamura stands and grabs some coins from his study table, then he looks at him. “Do you want one?”

Kazuya has to clear his throat first before answering because it is seriously getting dry. “Sure.”

“Coffee?”

He shakes his head. “No.” He doesn't need that drink to give his heart more palpitations than what Sawamura is giving him already. “Get me juice instead.”

Sawamura salutes. “Roger, cap!” Then he goes out of his room.

The moment the southpaw closes the door and leaves him completely alone, Kazuya takes a very deep breath. Shit. Shit for real because he probably needs to stop going to this room. He's probably in a deeper hole than he thinks he is about Sawamura and he doesn't realize it until he thinks about it just now.

But Kazuya, as much as he loves to keep his feelings for himself, he doesn't really have much self-restraint. He knows that even if he decides to stop going in this room, he can only last for three days doing that and that's on maximum. So he shouldn't even bother because all efforts will only get wasted in the end.

Damn Sawamura for making him feel like that. Kazuya wonders if Sawamura can read the emotions he's trying so hard to contain whenever he looks directly into his eyes while singing. Or if Sawamura catches every expression he has made that he couldn't control.

Sawamura is kind of oblivious sometimes and Kazuya wishes it extends to when he doesn't notice how Kazuya is looking at him and not being able to read him.

Sawamura comes back with two cans of orange juice and Kazuya accepts it when the southpaw hands him one, perfect for his drying throat.

“Is Kuramochi-senpai still not done playing?” Sawamura asks.

“Maybe.” Kazuya shrugs. “And when did he finish earlier than nine?”

Sawamura juts his lips into a pout. “Right.” And he sits beside him, picking up his guitar from the floor.

“Why don't you make him leave then, Miyuki Kazuya?” Kazuya's kind of amazed by how Sawamura's tone has a mixture of curiosity and factuality, like he actually wants to hear an answer but the answer is actually what he just said. “That's your room.”

“Why don't you try making him leave then, Sawamura? See if he moves.” Note how he said that as sarcasm with a hint of challenge.

It's not really surprising when Sawamura doesn't accept the challenge, though Kazuya's just expecting him to do it.

“And get a head lock from Kuramochi-senpai for disturbing him?”

That's how the stupid southpaw conceded easily, and honestly, Kazuya thinks it's also fair. But well, for Kazuya, it's not like he can't make the shortstop leave his room. It's just that these past few days, he prefers to stay in this room after a whole tiring day and spend his time sitting either beside the southpaw, or at his study table reviewing their recent baseball stats with Sawamura singing and strumming his guitar as his quiet background noise, and Kuramachi seems like he's already aware of that.

“Cap, give me a song.”

Kazuya takes a glance at Sawamura then raises his head and thinks of a good song. It's not like he knows a lot but hearing Sawamura play different songs every night, he might know what Kazuya only knows.

“Everything I own.”

“Oh, that's a good one.” Sawamura smiles and starts strumming his guitar.

The southpaw starts at the chorus and the song being Kazuya's favorite, he can't help but sing along with him. They meet eyes and share smiles with each other despite the song being sad, they are totally singing it like it is a happy love song.

Kazuya thought Sawamura would only play the chorus but he continued to the bridge. He doesn't know what but he feels like something switched. Maybe it's because the bridge is quieter but he also feels like it's not entirely the reason.

(bread - everything i own)

Is there someone you know

You're loving them so

But taking them all for granted?

Sawamura. Kazuya feels his smile fading as the southpaw continues the song while directly looking into his eyes. Again. Those golden eyes feel like they are talking to him through the song and Kazuya doesn't know if he should take it seriously, if Sawamura's trying to tell him something because he always does this. Maybe he's just reading too much into it because Sawamura always pours his emotions at the things he loves, baseball and this.

But Kazuya is a catcher and his role is to observe, to read the people on the field, and see what is the best play to perform. And as much as this here is a lot different situation, he can't help but observe. Observe how Sawamura only takes a glance at him most of the time because he's focusing more on his guitar, but there are times where he looks at him, eyes talking like how it talks to him from the mound and he may understand him even though there are 60.6 meters between them because he's already memorized every glint of Sawamura's eyes between that distance, but the look he's always giving to him in this small room, with only in each other's company, and maybe he can call it their own private time together, is something Kazuya can't for life read and decipher.

You may lose them one day

Someone takes them away

And they don't hear the words you long to say

And that's why as his feelings get deeper, it's getting harder to face it. That's also why he doesn't know what's the right move to make. He can make an abrupt decision and risk a move where nothing is absolute and most likely to end tragically.

Or  

Kazuya can start thinking about it and accept it as his reality and set it aside because that's easier to do and it's going to hurt less that way, or at least that's what he wants to believe.

Kazuya sighs as he listens to Sawamura finishing the rest of the song. He can't believe that his hidden talent is the reason for his realizations and why he's having an internal crisis. He should've just continued walking back then. (He doesn't know if he means that.)

…

(No, he doesn’t.)

*

“Oi, Miyuki.”

The thing is, Kazuya doesn't really mind Kuramochi being nosy on most things about him. In fact, he's glad when he asks questions about him because he doesn't really talk about himself most of the time—doesn't like talking about himself. As obvious as it can be, he'd only willingly talk about baseball, baseball, and yes, baseball. So when Kuramochi asks questions, Kazuya answers.

But still there are times where he doesn't really like talking about himself at all, especially when he, himself, doesn't know the answers to Kuramochi's questions at all.

Just as he's about to go to room 5, the room where he's been staying a lot more than his own the past few weeks every evening after practice. “The coach wants you.”

Kuramochi catches it before Kazuya even realizes that he did it, the way his lips twitch to the side and his eyebrows furrow and he isn't supposed to do that, to show that to Kuramochi who's a lot perceptive than he looks, he catches details and decodes it as fast as he can get from one base to another.

“Geez, you don't have to look so displeased.” Kuramochi rolls his eyes. “You're too excited to go to our room as if that place will ever disappear.”

“I'm not,” he says with his tone betraying him.

“Huh, yeah.” Kuramochi gives him an unimpressed look. “Let's just say I believe that for your peace.” He crosses his arms and leans to the wall behind him. “And really, just chill, idiot. Sawamura's not going anywhere.”

Kazuya heaves a breath and starts walking past Kuramochi and goes to where he's summoned to— but halts his step when Kuramochi speaks again. No, he asks a question, something that Kazuya knows will come one day, sooner, later than he's expected.

“When will you move, Miyuki?”

Kazuya tenses while his pulse is picking up its pace. “What do you mean?” he asks, feigning innocence as if the question isn't as clear as the sky, with the stars twinkling in its own right and the moon that gives light and life in the vast darkness above.

“Okay, you wanna do it that way, huh?” Kazuya dares to turn around and he sees Kuramochi still with his arms crossed, eyes narrowed as if to let him know that he's being serious and that he's not going to back down if Kazuya decides to be an ass and shrugs off his question and say a snarky comment instead.

“You like Sawamura,” Kuramochi says, his voice is absolute and confident, as if it has been proven, or maybe not but it doesn't need to because Kuramochi sees him everyday, probably more than he wishes to and gets to watch him unwillingly because even if he avoids him, Kazuya's just there whether he likes it or not. “You like that moron, obviously. When are you going to make a move? When are you going to ask him out? Because god…” Kuramochi lets out an exhilarating breath. “If you haven't realized it yet then let me say it.” Kazuya's breath hitches. “Congrats, you are fucking lovesick with my roommate.”

Kazuya feels like he's about to explode, heat is quickly rushing to his neck and up to his face, not to mention his heart is making a mess in his chest, it's almost making him hard to breathe.

It feels like Kuramochi just threw a bomb onto him, one that he knows Kazuya can dodge but still did it.

“I don't know,” he finally answers, honest and sincere, and hesitant. “I haven't really thought about it.” Feelings.

Kuramochi rolls his eyes at him and slightly shakes his head in obvious disappointment. “You—”

“I will do it.”

That seems to still Kuramochi and tries to process what he just said. He's staring at him for god knows how many seconds until he blinks and swallows. “Good. I hate seeing your pining ass.”

“I don't pine.”

Kuramochi scoffs. “Whatever.” And he starts to walk away. “Your room is mine until ten.”

Kazuya can only shake his head as he watches Kuramochi disappear from his sight. He takes a deep breath before he starts walking to the coach's room.

*

It doesn't take Kazuya long with the coach since he only reminded him of the things to do the next day since they have a scheduled practice match in the afternoon.

Kazuya takes his time to go to room 5 as he thinks about the conversation he had with Kuramochi just a few minutes ago. He told him that he will do it but Kazuya might have just said it in order to escape from the ever perceptive friend of his. But seriously, he thinks that he really should think about his feelings for Sawamura and what to do about it.

It's not like he's afraid of having romantic feelings for Sawamura. At the back of his mind, he has always known he has harboring feelings for the southpaw. He just pushes it back deeper so he won't think about it because Kazuya, he has bigger responsibilities. It's more like he's afraid to mess up leading the team, that if he faces these feelings, it might occupy most of his thoughts and it’s not particularly a good thing because if he messes up, it will cost the whole team.

Of course, that isn't a sure thing. He's just thinking about the worst case possible about himself because he never had these feelings before. Kazuya never liked someone romantically before. Maybe he thought of someone as pretty and attractive before but that is literally most of it. And then Sawamura happened.

The whole secret talent thing happened.

Songs tell feelings. Voices let out emotions.

And Sawamura Eijun forces himself to his heart and serenades it.

Unintentionally.

Kazuya thinks it kinda sucks. (that he didn't even try to resist it.)

As he makes his way to a certain room, Kazuya halts his step when he hears a soft sound of a strumming guitar  near the indoor practice facility. That piqued his curiosity to check who that person is first, even though he already has an idea who that is but he's not sure if a certain pitcher is the only one who has a guitar or can play the said instrument on the team.

“What are you doing here?” he asks without any warning, making Sawamura jump in his seat and puts a hand on his chest.

The southpaw instantly shoots him a glare. “What the hell, Miyuki Kazuya?!”

Kazuya laughs playfully as he sits beside the southpaw, only leaving enough distance so he can comfortably play his guitar.

“Well?”

Sawamura side eyes him but without the usual annoyance in his eyes while looking at him. He actually looks like he's trying to think of an answer to his simple question.

“Just… want a change of scenery.”

Kazuya nods. “It's good that I heard you strumming your guitar on my way to your room then.”

Sawamura gnaws his lower lip while slowly plucking his guitar. His eyebrows are occasionally furrowing like he's trying to think of something.

Kazuya is staring blatantly because Sawamura doesn't seem like he notices how he's looking at him. And it's good because he looks angelic under the moonlight. (No, he didn't just think that.)

Kazuya's heart rate doubles when Sawamura suddenly raises his head and catches his golden eyes. He almost looks away but he does his best to resist it.

“I thought you're not coming tonight,” Sawamura says, voice a little quiet with a hint of curiosity.

“The coach called me.” Kazuya shrugs, trying to play it cool when he himself got annoyed a little about it earlier.

“Oh.” Sawamura nods his head lightly. The tension in between his eyebrows disappears.

“You're waiting,” he says confidently. Kazuya thinks he shouldn't be his annoying self when he can see the relief in Sawamura's face which he cannot comprehend what he's relieved for. But the southpaw is just so fun to watch when he gets riled up. From the light expression that Sawamura has, his face immediately crumples like a paper. Kazuya can almost see smoke coming out from his nose while his eyes are shooting laser glare at him.

“I am not!” he screams, not bothering how close they are at all to care about Kazuya's eardrums. Thank goodness, he's already very used to Sawamura's sudden outbursts. (Which he's mostly the reason in the first place.)

“Eh?” Kazuya lets out an amused grin. “Seems to me that you were eagerly waiting for me, though?”

Sawamura puts down his guitar. Kazuya should already know that it is the cue of him grabbing the neckline of his shirt. Thank goodness that Sawamura is not putting any force in pulling his shirt, it's like he's just doing it just to show he's annoyed.

“You are so annoying. I'm not!” Kazuya laughs heartily. Annoyed Sawamura is definitely one of his favorites in life. “I was just expecting you!!”

That makes Kazuya raise his eyebrows. “Oh? Isn't that the same?”

Sawamura shakes him a little. “It's not! Stop being annoying, Miyuki Kazuya!”

Kazuya continues to laugh. He just loves the current look on Sawamura's face. It's like he's conflicted about whether to be annoyed or mad at him, and in Kazuya's mind, he doesn't think there's much difference between those. Oh, he's having fun right now.

Sawamura lets go of him and returns to his position a minute ago and picks up his guitar while muttering, “Annoying captain.”

Kazuya just grins at that.

There is a good minute of nothing but silence between them. Kazuya is mindlessly staring at whatever's in front of him until Sawamura breaks that silence with a strum of his guitar. A soft sound that is enough to pull his mind back from nothingness.

Sawamura continues to softly play his guitar. While Kazuya has a very limited number of songs, he's pretty sure Sawamura is not particularly playing one and he's just mindlessly strumming his fingers to the strings.

Kazuya still likes it. It makes their atmosphere lively. It fits the vibe where they are just sitting there, looking at the sky, at the moon and stars, it feels like there's just two of them in the world and it makes Kazuya's heart race, but in a good way. He feels light and he loves just being there, beside Sawamura.

Suddenly, Sawamura shifts his position from facing the wide in front of them to facing Kazuya. His eyes are narrowed and his lips are forming into a pout, and honestly, he looks like he's trying so hard not to run to the restroom with how constipated he looks.

When he seems like he's finally decided whatever he's trying or planning to do, he takes a slow deep breath and positions his fingers to the guitar.

As he strums his guitar, Kazuya is almost taken aback when he smiles at him and his eyes are directed to him and all of a sudden, he feels like he's looking at the sun.

(callalily - sanctuary)

I know I can never be enough

But I'll always be here

Kazuya isn't exaggerating if he says that he is stunned when Sawamura suddenly sings. His lips are parted and his eyes, without a doubt, are wide and rounded from surprise.

I know that my words are simple and shallow

But I mean everything I say and do

Kazuya quickly recovers from the shock, he gulps and recomposes himself.

Sawamura's smile now is probably because of how he successfully took him aback, though he thinks that isn't the southpaw's intention at all.

I know, I don't have a diamond ring

To put on your finger

Sawamura takes a second long glance at his hand. Kazuya instantly feels warmth creeping in his neck. Then Sawamura's eyes return his gaze to him and slightly tilts his head to his right and curves his lips to a smile, as if he's teasing him. Kazuya can't help but raise his eyebrows in response to Sawamura, but truthfully, that's just him trying to hide how flustered he is.

But I will see to it

That we will always be together

What the hell is Sawamura doing? Kazuya is trying his hardest not to remove his gaze from the stupid southpaw in front of him. Surely, Sawamura is not singing for him, right? And surely, Sawamura is just casually singing like how he always does and there's nothing special about now .

And I thank you from the bottom of my heart because

Kazuya's heart pounds ten times from normal speed when he notices how Sawamura's eyes become more focused on him, like he's trying to talk to him, like he's trying to say something. He knows that because that's how the southpaw's eyes become when he's standing on the mound, especially when he's getting excited. It dilates and glimmers like gold under the sun.

You are my light

You are my home

You are my sanctuary

This is weird because Kazuya feels like crying.

If Sawamura is singing that song for him then he must be joking, because if there's anyone who can be compared to light between them, it is Sawamura. With his bright personality, the dark clouds of stormy weather have nothing on him. Funny because he doesn't know when it started, when he started to feel that way, but the southpaw, now, is a home he can go to when he feels cold because Sawamura is the personification of the sun and he just has that ability to make Kazuya feel comfortably warm just by being around him.

You are my peace

Kazuya is more like the tornado in his life with how he loves to tease the southpaw and makes his life a little miserable because he loves seeing his face flushing from how annoyed he is with him.

No but Kazuya does always feel he's at ease whenever he's with Sawamura. Despite the loud voice and extreme enthusiasm that is very hard to match sometimes, Sawamura does have that comforting aura. Maybe it's his smile, or his kind personality, or his infectious passion over something he loves to do. Despite how he can rattle Kazuya's comportment without ever knowing how he's affecting him, it's fine because seeing Sawamura calms him so much. It's messy and clamorous because it's Sawamura, but it's peaceful at the same time.

You give me hope

Sawamura's smile gets a little wider at that specific line and Kazuya doesn't get why, but it does rattle him inside. (Just like always when Sawamura smiles at him.)

You are my sanctuary

Sanctuary, a place where one feels safe. If Sawamura is singing the song for him, does he see him like that? Someone he feels safe to be with? Someone he can be his peace? 

Kazuya badly wants to believe it but since he is just assuming that the southpaw is singing the song for him, he can't tell. Even assuming that Sawamura sings a song for him feels a little crazy too, he just can't help it with how Sawamura almost never removes his eyes from him while he's singing. Maybe if he can read the expression on the southpaw's face then he would know. But in moments like this, he's always having a hard time reading him. Kazuya wants to think that every love song that Sawamura sings whenever it's just the two of them in room 5 is dedicated to him but it is just like Kuramochi's messy handwriting, it's so hard to read. He's so hard to read. Kazuya wishes they are playing catch instead because he's more familiar with Sawamura holding a ball than him playing a guitar.

So that is probably only wishful thinking. Something he won't dare to expect to happen ever.

You are my better half

Kazuya thinks of the time when they first met each other. He remembers calling Sawamura his partner on a whim just to calm him down and let him know that he was on his side instead of their overbearing senpai. He remembers how he realized what kind of pitch Sawamura had been throwing and how he thought that they could work on his speed in the future, not even thinking that Sawamura might not want to go to Seido for high school at all. All he knew was the adrenaline rush he was starting to feel because it wasn't everyday he could meet a pitcher with a natural moving fastball.

Kazuya can't help but smile. He was kind of stupid, wasn't he? But maybe he unconsciously manifested Sawamura to come to this school. He's not sure and it doesn't matter anymore because Sawamura is here in front of him, and singing.

You taught me things that I need to know

Oh. And what might those be? Kazuya can't think of a single thing he taught to Sawamura but he can't come up with one. If anything, it was Chris-senpai who taught Sawamura most things about baseball that made him become one of the most important members of the team. Sometimes, he wishes he has as much influence on Sawamura but he has his own responsibilities too. It's not that he has regrets, though it makes him think if there's a chance or a way for them to get closer than how they are now.

If there is something Sawamura has taught him, then it's the feeling of liking someone romantically. Kazuya never had crushes before. All he was interested in was knowing players from different schools and analyzing how he could beat them. Kazuya never knew how a heart could beat faster just by seeing someone he likes, but he learned that it really happens in real life and Sawamura Eijun is the proof of that. 

Sawamura unintentionally taught him that liking someone means getting excited to see them even if you see them for hours everyday. Sawamura unintentionally taught him that it's okay to smile like a fool whenever you remember the person you like because simply thinking of them or even a slip of that person in your mind makes you happy. Sawamura unintentionally taught him that liking someone feels good and terrifying at the same time.

And you made me realize

That life is not just a simple song

But still beautiful altogether. Kazuya thinks life is just like baseball too. It's hard, it's unpredictable despite planning what your next move is, you just don't know when a runner can get past the base until they actually run onto it and then it's best when they get out and it really sucks if they get there safely. But it's fine because that's what makes it exciting, the unpredictability of it. The art of winning and losing.

Then Kazuya thinks his life isn't as exciting outside baseball. He doesn't even know if he has a life outside baseball, until Sawamura.

Sawamura is everywhere. Even if you can't see him, just listen a little closely to your surroundings and you can hear him.

It's like Kazuya's gray and dull life suddenly became colorful. He is loud and annoying at most times and Kazuya isn't really that kind of person to hang out with, but for some other reason than being a catcher, Sawamura doesn't seem to care about that. (Even with the constant reminder from him of how nasty his personality is.)

In truth, Sawamura is an interesting person. It's not just his pitches but his overall character. Kazuya sometimes thinks about it but whenever he watches Sawamura, he feels like he's watching a slice of life. Of course, hardships don't only happen with Sawamura. He himself has his own, too. But as one of the few people who closely watches Sawamura, it's like he's seeing life itself incarnated. It's only been a few months since they became teammates but he has witnessed every ups and downs Sawamura has experienced. How he sometimes hides his worries and sorrows with a smile. How he pretends he's okay by being loud because that's what people perceive about him. How he perks up like the sunrise when he feels good. How easy for him to show a genuine smile. There's still a lot more and Kazuya will need all the time in the world to list them down. But in short, Sawamura makes Kazuya realize that life is hard, sometimes unfair, but it's your choice whether to move forward or give up.

You are my guide when I am lost

Sawamura is not smiling anymore as he continues singing, but he is looking directly into his eyes. Kazuya's heart continues to make a mess in his chest and it's making it hard to breathe, but he doesn't dare to look away. No. Not when it feels like Sawamura is talking to him. He can't miss how his eyes are becoming glassy and more golden under the moonlight.

You are the heart that keeps me alive

Before he can stop himself, Kazuya finds himself smiling at the particular line because it's so Sawamura Eijun. For a short time, he has become the heart of the team. He has a big influence on what the team's vibe is. He makes the team alive with his loud cheer and annoying commentaries and special bunting and batting lessons.

And he does have the same effect on Kazuya.

Probably, maybe, he's exaggerating but he can't imagine himself smiling genuinely outside baseball if it wasn't for Sawamura's antics.

If Kazuya thought that his heart will not beat any faster than he thinks, he's wrong. Because his heart pounds heavily in his chest, it feels like it is making a hole in his ribs, when Sawamura suddenly drops his eyes into his lips. 

You are the kiss that makes me strong

He is… not… reading it wrong, right?

Kazuya badly wants to hope that they are on the same page of feelings. He can see it. He has been seeing it, the way Sawamura looks at him, the way he pours his emotions into a song and yet, he still manages to sound like he's talking to him, like there's something he wants to convey to him.

He really, badly, wants to hope.

You are the warmth when I feel cold

Kazuya's not so sure about that. He doesn't think that he can make other people feel warmth with his jerk personality, like how Sawamura can easily give it to everyone with just one smile. 

Sawamura returns his gaze back to Kazuya's eyes and the exact second of it, Kazuya feels a chill running down his spine.

Those eyes are glimmering gold under the bright moonlight, it's almost like how they shine under the sun while he's standing on the mound, ready to strike out a batter.

You are my sanctuary

Maybe it's fine to tell Sawamura how he feels. This is Sawamura after all. They might be bickering all the time but Kazuya is just as aware of how pure hearted this guy is. Maybe rejection is what is waiting for him and maybe it will hurt, but he knows Sawamura will never intentionally hurt him and maybe that is fine because Sawamura might be annoying at times but he's always been nice. He knows that his heart is safe with Sawamura even if he doesn't reciprocate his feelings because he knows that Sawamura knows how delicate his heart is, and he is grateful for that.

There is silence between them when Sawamura finishes his song. He gently puts down his guitar but his eyes never leave Kazuya.

There is the sound of cicadas that fills the quiet. The soft and comforting brush of cold wind in their skin. The moonlight has enough brightness for him to see Sawamura's long lashes, golden eyes, his freckles, his expression that Kazuya's always having a hard time reading. His heart is beating so fast and loud that he's starting to worry that Sawamura might hear it. He thinks he should break their gaze and take a deep breath because he feels himself getting short out of air. But he can't. He shouldn't.

Because as he is getting breathless, his brain is getting short with oxygen and that way, it won't function and he's not going to be able to use it to think and be logical and torture himself with endless what ifs.

Maybe all those are just excuses so he can find something to blame on if this doesn't work. Maybe he could say I wasn't thinking straight due to his brain short circuiting or I was just kidding because he's shutting down the logical part of his brain.

“I like you,” he says, breathless. “Sawamura.”

Kazuya can clearly see how Sawamura's lips part and how the frown in his eyebrows slowly deepens. The southpaw continues to meet his gaze and Kazuya can't genuinely tell if he is mad about his confession.

“Romantically,” he adds because he feels like he needs to be clear about it since this boy in front of him has a habit of not trusting his words especially when he's being most genuine about it.

Sawamura straightens his lips. Kazuya watches his adam's apple move as the southpaw swallows. He's still frowning even when he closes his eyes and slowly takes a very deep breath.

When Sawamura opens his eyes, it's bright gold. It's intense. It's like how he's looking at him from the mound waiting for Kazuya to show a sign that will determine whether they can take out the last batter, except Sawamura is confident that he can, and Kazuya's heart aches because seeing it centimeters away is totally different from seeing it 60.6 meters away from his position. There's fire in it and it makes Kazuya's heart warm until it burns.

“Miyuki-senpai,” Sawamura calls. His voice is firm and sounds very serious.

Oh. With that voice, Kazuya already has the next thing Sawamura will say in his mind. He takes a quiet deep breath because he has to prepare his heart and his mind and himself overall for it.

“Are you serious?”

That automatically makes his eyebrows rise. “What?” He's kind of faltering because he didn't expect that response but that helps him release some tension in his body as he chuckles. “I would be a total jerk if I'm not, don't you think?”

Sawamura pouts. “But being a jerk is your whole personality.”

Kazuya can help but grin at that. “Thanks, brat.” He feels like his confession is getting ruined.

Sawamura suddenly leans into him and before he can have any chance to lean back from surprise, the southpaw already places a kiss on his right cheek.

Kazuya quickly processes what just happened because obviously he's not dreaming since he felt that lips touched his right cheek and he can feel Sawamura's soft breath hitting the same spot he just kissed because this brat, this loudmouth, this stupid southpaw still hasn't moved away yet. Kazuya might just get himself on fire because of how hot he feels right now, it's not just his face that is flustered but literally his whole body.

Sawamura moves a little just enough so they can see each other's face clearly. Kazuya does a quick scan on Sawamura's face and all he can see are the shadows on his face. He wants to see if Sawamura is just as flustered as he is because of what he did and see him blushing furiously, but the moonlight isn't exactly helping him with that.

They stare at each other for a couple of seconds before Sawamura breaks his lips into a smile and his eyes do the same.

“I just serenaded you, Miyuki Kazuya. But just in case you're too dense to realize and didn't get that it was for you then open your ears and listen to this: I like you too.”

Kazuya grins. “Good then.”

“Good?”

Kazuya raises both his hands to hold Sawamura's face. He pulls him and places a soft kiss on the southpaw's forehead. “Yeah. Good,” he whispers.

Kazuya feels so light. His heart's still pounding in his chest but he is calm, content with how Sawamura is in his arms right now. It's something he always wanted but never gave himself a chance to delve into it. Right now in this moment, he thinks there's nothing to be afraid of because this is Sawamura, an idiot who never backed down when it comes to him, so if ever Kazuya got lost himself in this, he knows Sawamura can pull him back, probably by yelling into him and shaking his whole existence.

Sawamura pulls back a little. Kazuya quickly notices how the southpaw is trying to look at him directly. “Are we…” Kazuya slightly tilts his head sidewards as he waits for Sawamura, who's frowning and biting his lower lip. He looks like he's trying hard to decide whether to say what he wants to say or dismiss it completely.

But Kazuya knows Sawamura better and he knows that he only has to wait for a moment because it's not in Sawamura nature to give up, whatever it is he set his mind to.

Kazuya knows the southpaw has finally decided when he meets his eyes, a golden and soft gaze looks at him. “We're dating now, right?”

Kazuya stares at him with eyebrows raised, and then he softly laughs. Sawamura's voice sounded hesitant but it also has conviction like he tried hard to not let him notice how embarrassed he is for asking that question.

“Well, do you want to?” he asks and puts his hands on Sawamura's cheeks to hold his face. Kazuya can't see how flushed Sawamura's face is right now but he probably feels like he's about to explode because Kazuya can feel how warm Sawamura's face is. “Us? To date?”

Sawamura has the audacity to click his tongue in their sweet little moment right now. “Obviously?”

“You are so impatient.” Kazuya chuckles. “Well then. Sawamura, be my boyfriend?”

Sawamura's eyes twinkles and his smile shines so bright, it almost makes Kazuya blind. He quickly steals a peck on Kazuya's cheek before he leans onto him for a hug. “Yes. I'd love to!”

Kazuya returns the hug and oh, it feels so right.

*

Kazuya spreads his right arm and makes a signal to keep the last pitch low. He smiles at the southpaw who's taking a slow deep breath.

“Just one strike. You can do this, right?”

From a distance, Kazuya watches Sawamura shine brighter when he smiles at him. He's almost blinding but Kazuya will never dare to look away, especially when Sawamura's eyes are fierce and challenging that he can almost imagine the southpaw answering him of course.

The practice game ends beautifully with a score of 7-2 on their side.

It's just a practice game but as always, the team took it seriously and so they take the result too seriously. That's why after the game, everyone is celebrating, though it is shortly finished because everyone in the team is too enthusiastic, as always, they all go to practice saying they don't wanna forget how they performed during the game. Kazuya just knows he's not going to sleep early again tonight. (Ehem, his room.)

“Can you stop?”

Kazuya looks at Kuramochi, who looks so irritated, and confusedly raises his brows. “I'm not doing anything?”

“Stop looking at Sawamura. Your lovesick expression makes me wanna throw up,” the shortstop says with disgust.

Okay. To be honest, he doesn't even notice that he's staring at Sawamura— wait . Kazuya stares at Kuramochi, and slowly, he curves his lips to a smile. Watching his green-haired friend's expression turning exhilarated, Kazuya knows that Kuramochi already knows that he's going to say something he will not like but at the same time, he has no choice but to hear it.

“I know that smile and I can see the sparks in your eyes, you bastard,” Kuramochi says with such a threat in his voice. Kazuya wonders if the shortstop already has an idea of what is about to come out from his mouth.

“Why are you stopping me from looking at my boyfriend, Kuramochi? Envy much?”

“Huuh?” The shortstop growls as his frown gets deeper. “Say that again?” Then his expression completely shifts to being genuinely confused, as if his brain just completely registered what Kazuya just dropped on him. “What the fuck?!” Kuramochi takes a step closer to him. “What happened and when?!”

Kazuya crosses his arms and lifts the edge of his lips to look really smug. “Why do you look surprised, Kuramochi? Weren't you the one who told me to move?”

“What? You suddenly became so brave that you confessed just like that?” He hates how confident Kuramochi sounds. “Be more convincing.”

Well, it's not like he's wrong. Kazuya's smug smile falls into a frown and he rolls his eyes.

“Sawamura serenaded me last night,” he says, a little nonchalant but he's getting nervous deep inside.

Kuramochi glances at their southpaw who's animatedly annoying (entertaining) younger Kominato and Kazuya can't help but to follow the motion. His heart skips a beat at how glowing Sawamura is.

“Wow, very surprising.” And yet Kuramochi's voice sounds very neutral. “Of course that idiot would do something cringy like that, like how the male leads in his favorite romance mangas do.” It's his turn to smirk so smugly at him. “But at least, he knows how to make a move unlike someone else here.” He sounds so proud too.

Kazuya scoffs and pulls a deep breath. “This emotion is something new to me, Kuramochi. Can you really blame me?” He honestly hopes that he doesn't sound desperate.

“No,” Kuramochi answers like he knows that question is coming. He shrugs as he takes a step backwards. “But as much as I hate seeing your pining ass watching Sawamura, I'm not going to lie when I say I was having fun seeing you having a hard time dealing with your very obvious feelings.” He makes a disgusting sound.

“So I was an entertainment,” he deadpans.

The shortstop looks at him flatly. “Yes.”

Kazuya rolls his eyes and shakes his head, then turns his attention back to his boyfriend– that word is still weird to mention but he can't wait for the time he gets used to it (he knows it's not gonna take long)– and his heart skips a beat when he meets Sawamura's eyes.

“Ugh. The heart eyes.” Kuramochi is making a disgusted expression.

“You wanted us to happen right?” Kazuya smirks. “Bear the heart eyes and sweet smiles, the sweet talks and holding hands and kissing and all the flirting in this place, in the field, in the mound, the dugout, in my room and yours, cafeteria, and everywhere else.”

He sees how Kuramochi literally shivered and yes, he is pleased about that. If he can torture Kuramochi while being lovey-dovey with Sawamura, then it's a win.

“Ugh. Sounds like hell.”

“I bet for you, it is and I love that.”

With that, he leaves Kuramochi and starts walking in Sawamura's direction.

His boyfriend (it is kind of easier to say the word for the second time in a row)— his boyfriend glances at him once again and smiles, both to him and Kominato, then he puts a hand on his fellow first year (his best friend?)'s shoulder and taps it twice. Kominato has a soft smile as he nods to whatever Sawamura is telling him. Kazuya makes it to Sawamura's side at the same time Kominato stands and jogs to where Kuramochi is.

“Cap,” Sawamura grins. “Are you going to catch for me?”

Kazuya raises an eyebrow. “So even if we're dating, the way you greet me is not going to change?”

Sawamura's eyes widen by the question then he narrows it as he looks at him a few seconds after as if his brain just fully registered the question.

“What, cap? You want a kiss or something as a greeting?”

“Wha—” Kazuya's face instantly flushes as his heartbeat doubles. He looks at Sawamura with widened eyes while his boyfriend just blinks at him. Sawamura doesn't look like he's teasing him… so that must be a serious question right? He looks innocent while looking at him with those big, brown puppy eyes that Kazuya always loves.

“What?” And he has the nerve to sound innocent too.

Kazuya clears his throat and composes himself by taking a deep breath, then he asks, “What? Are you willing to do that?” He shows a small smirk just to tease.

Sawamura's lips part as if he's going to answer right away, but he closes it. He bites his lower lip as he looks at the other side as if he's avoiding looking at him. Kazuya raises an eyebrow because his boyfriend just didn't get embarrassed after he suggested that, did he?

Or he might be right as he notices the flush creeping from Sawamura's neck to his ears and slowly to his face.

That breaks out a smile on Kazuya's lips. He pulls Sawamura by putting an arm around his shoulders like he always does. “Well?”

His boyfriend is scowling when he finally looks at him again. “If you want to?”

Kazuya feels like his lips are going to rip off because he can't help but smile wider because of that. “How can I refuse if my boyfriend is offering to do that?”

“Shut up!” 

Kazuya laughs because he can basically see smoke coming out from Sawamura's head. His boyfriend is flushing so hard that he looks like a very ripe cherry tomato.

They walk out of the indoor gym and head towards the dormitory. It's the time of the night where Kuramochi is playing his video games. Kazuya wonders if Kuramochi finally decided to go back to his own room.

He gets his answer when he and Sawamura enter room 5 and no loud video game sound effects welcome them.

“I'm trying to learn a new song,” Sawamura says as gets his guitar from its case.

“Oh?”

“But I don't think I can finish learning it because the owner of this guitar wants it back home now.”

Wait. What? “Owner?” Kazuya points at the guitar. “That's not yours?”

“It's my classmate's. He's in the music club.” Sawamura is tuning the guitar. “He asked if he can leave it to me because it's tiring to bring it back and forth since he commutes everyday by train.”

“I totally thought that it's yours.”

Sawamura shakes his head. “No. I never had my own guitar.”

“But you can play it,” he says as if it isn't the most obvious thing here.

“Yeah.” Sawamura grins big as he looks at him. Kazuya can almost see how his eyes are sparkling. “Aren't I great?”

Of course, it's not Sawamura Eijun if he's not boasting. (Though it's okay because his boyfriend is really good at it.)

“I just never really thought about asking one from my parents or my grandpa. I mean it's great that I learned to play this” Sawamura slightly lifts the guitar “and I feel good whenever I get to play one, but that's just it.” He shrugs. “Because baseball is there.”

Oh. Of course. Baseball. Even if Sawamura doesn't tell much about it anymore, Kazuya thinks he doesn't have to because he understands how much of a baseball freak his boyfriend is. He's just much the same.

When Sawamura is done tuning the guitar, he holds Kazuya's arm and pulls him to sit on his bed. Sawamura does the same. He starts strumming his guitar without saying anything so Kazuya stares at the pitcher's focused expression. His boyfriend's eyebrows are a little furrowed and his lips are pouting slightly, but it all disappears and is replaced with a smile once he raises his head to look at him and starts singing.

(mosawo - koiiro)

I love you

It's a lyric from a song, and yet.

And yet.

Now, I'll let you carry my love

Kazuya wants to tell Sawamura that he can trust him, trust his heart to be safe and loved by him, like how he trusts him in the field when they are playing together, like how he trusts him that they can get a batter out, like how he trusts his calls, like how he trusts him unconditionally. Kazuya can– will take care of the love that Sawamura has been pouring to him since they started dating and maybe longer before that.

Hey, I hope I can be honest?

From now on, can I stay by your side more often?

God, yes. If he can be with Sawamura for as long as he wants, for as long as Sawamura wants, he's going to do it. He knows how sappy it is and maybe not very Kazuya-like for everyone that knows him, hell, even he doesn't know that he can be like this, but he just really wants Sawamura with him all the time. He's that down bad. He's so in the deep end.

It's this love that keeps piling up

And Kazuya's feelings keep growing too. Isn't that what scared him before? That it might consume him. It's stupid. There's nothing to be scared of. It's Sawamura who he's grown feelings with.

I love you

“I love you,” he repeats and he smiles. He can't believe he was once scared of admitting his feelings when it's this easy to say it to the person he has feelings for.

Now, I'll send you my loving thoughts

He doesn't know when Sawamura started to have feelings for him but he is sure Sawamura has been sending signals to him, maybe he had try to tell that he likes him, Sawamura is a man of words after all, or maybe he had shown it to him through acts of service. 

Hey, will you notice them?

He's just too stupid to notice them.

I almost can't help myself

That my love for you goes deep in the bottom of my heart

Kazuya cups Sawamura's cheeks and kisses him on his forehead. “That's beautiful.”

“Right?” His boyfriend pouts. “Such a shame that I won't be able to continue learning the whole song though.”

“I'm glad that you let me hear it.”

Sawamura smiles big, one that can light up a whole town. “Who else would I play it to? I know how much you love hearing me sing.”

He knows he's teasing him, but damn right he is. “Yeah?”

Sawamura grins. “Yeah.”

Well, he really can't deny it at this point for how much time he spent in this room, it wouldn't be weird if he and Kuramuchi switch rooms.

“Wanna pitch?” he asks.

Sawamura's eyes instantly glows with excitement. “Yes!” Kazuya watches how he quickly puts back the guitar in its case. He then grabs his glove and holds his hand as he pulls him out of the room and up to Kazuya's room to get his mitt.

Might as well go back to something they can do both and it's not just him watching and listening, and the one thing they understand together.

It's not that they don't do extra practices anymore— they still do it because Sawamura is just as persistent about forcing him to catch for him like always, but when Kazuya thinks of nights after practice, all he can think of is him either sitting on the floor of room 5 or occupying Kuramochi's desk, and there's Sawamura strumming the guitar and singing.

When he thinks about it, it was nice while it lasted. It was relaxing having to hear the soft strum of guitar. And he loves being alone with Sawamura, who's loudness cannot be controlled by anyone but the coach, but every night for weeks are their moments and Sawamura's soothing voice that's almost like a lullaby. 

“Don't throw too hard,” he reminds the pitcher. “You threw a lot today.”

“Aye-aye, cap!”

He was never that sentimental type of person but Kazuya thinks he's going to miss those relaxing nights with no one but only him and Sawamura and his guitar.

Wait. The guitar isn't Sawamura's, right?

The pitch lands on his mitt perfectly with a really nice sound despite Sawamura not throwing it with full force. Kazuya stares at his mitt for a couple of seconds and he can't help but smile.

Yes, of course. Sawamura can play a guitar very well and Kazuya loves listening to it, but there's no better sound than hearing the nice smack of his boyfriend's pitch to his mitt.

That is the real music to his ears and will always be superior to any sound from any musical instrument.

And well, Sawamura seriously doesn't need a guitar to accompany his beautiful singing voice. He can sing all he wants and Kazuya will not complain.

“Nice ball,” he says after he catches a perfectly controlled fastball.

Kazuya's playlist may not be as broad but he got a boyfriend who can sing, so.

Sawamura widens his arms. “Praise me more!”

“After you throw a perfect cutter.” He throws back the ball.

“Stingy!” the southpaw yells and readies himself to throw another pitch.

Sawamura does as he told and it makes another nice smack to his mitt and Kazuya thinks, yeah, this will always be much nicer. 

The time when he first heard Sawamura sing and discovered that he can play a guitar will always be memorable though. He can still remember how he was rooted at the doorstep of room 5 because of how awed he was after hearing Sawamura sing, how he badly wanted to tease him and it was supposed to be easy but he couldn't find himself doing it because Sawamura's voice was stuck in his head, and how he looked for the song with the a short lyric he remembered and once he found it, he wasn't satisfied because he prefered Sawamura's voice in that song.

Not much has happened in the past few weeks. As usual, everyday practice was hard core. There were also a couple of practice matches every weekend. In Kazuya's opinion, it wasn't very eventful, like yes they were a lot busy, but those things are so normal to him now that he wouldn't call his day eventful. When he thinks about it, the nights he spent with Sawamura were the highlight of his day. It was simple and serene, and just them.

Who would have thought that in a couple of weeks after he coincidentally walked by room 5 with someone singing inside, he would be dating Sawamura? And in those short weeks, he was afraid to face his feelings for this specific southpaw.

“Nice ball,” he says. “That was sharp.”

Sawamura practically glows at the compliment he always badly wants to hear.

Kazuya loves to watch Sawamura with his little hobby, he loves staring at him relaxed as he strum a guitar or bob his head as he sings, and he loves seeing how he puts his heart to every song he's singing, but he is more obsessed with his boyfriend's eyes that are always screaming at him with passion and determination, and the way he smiles so brightly that the sun and also the moonlight would be put in shame. He's way more obsessed with the intensity and thrill that he feels every time he catches his boyfriend's pitches and how he feels how alive they are.

You are the heart that keeps me alive

Kazuya thinks, oh, and he thinks, that's a lyric from the song Sawamura sang to me last night, then he thinks, it is not really just baseball anymore.

Because a certain southpaw with too big of a heart and too loud of a mouth and brimming with too much energy enough for ten people but too passionate and too enthusiastic and too determined just to reach his goal made the way to his heart unannounced and made it livelier and lighter and… happier .

It was baseball alone back then, but now it's baseball and Sawamura that keeps him grounded. It's nice. He doesn't have any complaints about it.

“Miyuki Kazuya.”

Kazuya blinks and that's when he only notices that Sawamura made his way in front of him. He looks up and sees his boyfriend with both of his hands placed on his waist and his eyes are narrowed at him.

“What are you smiling about?” His tone sounds very suspicious.

Kazuya gets up his feet then shakes his head. “Nothing, really.”

Sawamura obviously doesn't believe him as he crosses his arms this time, eyes are still narrowed and suspicious at him. That makes Kazuya laugh.

“What?”

“You're funny.”

“Wha—”

“What is the title of the song you sang for me last night?”

“Last night? Ah. Sanctuary?”

“I love it.”

“You should. I literally learned that song just for you.”

“How touching.”

Kazuya pulls Sawamura and puts a peck on his lips and quickly runs off. It takes a few seconds before he hears his boyfriend yell his full name and starts chasing him.

He's not going to stop running until the reason why his heart is beating too fast and his face is flushing is because of it and not because how Sawamura casually confessed to him that he learned that song  just for him. It's easier to tease his boyfriend like that.

#