Chapter Text
Tyler isn’t having a great day. Maddie and his brothers are supposed to come over later, and the anxiety is getting to him. Josh does what he can, but nothing seems to soothe it. Tyler refuses to take his panic attack medicine, worried it’ll make him too tired. So Josh holds him tightly in bed, trying to offer what little comfort he can.
Tyler and his baby blanket are tucked under Josh’s arm, his face pressed into Josh’s side. He shakes slightly, clutching at Josh with trembling fingers. Josh strokes his hair, feeling helpless.
“You want to take a bath? The sensory stuff might help,” Josh suggests gently.
Tyler shakes his head against Josh’s side. “Please keep holding me,” he murmurs, his voice tight with anxiety.
Josh tightens his hold. “I’m not gonna stop holding you. You’re good, Ty.”
“Okay. Thank you,” Tyler whispers, his voice small.
“Do you want the TV on?” Josh asks after a moment.
Another shake of Tyler’s head. “Need the quiet.”
“Okay,” Josh says, pressing a kiss into Tyler’s hair before continuing to run his fingers through it.
They stay like that for a while—Josh’s hand moving rhythmically through Tyler’s hair, Tyler focusing on regulating his breathing. Josh asks a few times if Tyler wants to cancel tonight, to have his brothers over another time. But Tyler always shakes his head, insisting he wants to push through the anxiety.
Josh respects that, though he texts Maddie to make sure she knows not to come until after dinner so Tyler doesn’t have to eat in front of anyone. He also reminds her to tell Zack and Jay not to mention Nico, the rebellion, or anything related to Tyler’s captivity—especially the press release or his forced “music career.”
Josh hopes Maddie has covered it all, even though Tyler keeps insisting people need to stop coddling him. But Josh just wants Tyler to have a nice reunion with his brothers, especially since he’s already been struggling so much.
***
At 5:30, Josh carries Tyler downstairs and tries to settle him on the couch, but Tyler insists on being in the kitchen with him. Josh sets him up in his usual spot on the counter while he cooks dinner. Tyler sits quietly, doing deep breathing exercises and watching Josh work.
Josh focuses on cooking, though he can’t help feeling guilty about how much Tyler is struggling.
“Josh,” Tyler says softly, breaking the silence. “I didn’t talk out loud to my therapist the other day.”
Josh pauses, unsure of what to say. But before he can respond, Tyler continues.
“You know the last time I spoke out loud to someone who wasn’t you?”
Josh frowns. “You talked to Maddie and Mark when you were—”
“As me, J. As normal me,” Tyler interrupts, his voice edged with frustration.
Josh thinks back. Oh, shit. Tyler hadn’t been able to speak to anyone but him for a while before everything fell apart. He’d assumed Tyler wasn’t talking to Maddie recently because of paranoia. But now, he realizes there’s more to it.
“We can use the whiteboard and the cards,” Josh offers. “Is that what you’ve been so anxious about?”
Tyler shrugs. “That’s one reason. The other is… my body keeps screaming that it’s not safe to let people in the house.”
“Do you think that’s PTSD-related or smearing-related?” Josh asks, plating Tyler’s food.
“Both.” Tyler hesitates, his gaze dropping to the countertop. “I already had some paranoia before the smearing— from Nico drilling it into my head that someone I trusted orchestrated my kidnapping. That it was all in exchange for releasing other Banditos, among other things. But having the paint on my hands amplifies everything somehow.”
Josh freezes, his blood running cold at the thought of someone betraying Tyler to that extent. Especially since Tyler’s captivity had prompted the release of others, along with an influx of food and medicine, but Josh always thought it was just to taunt him—to show he could have everyone and everything except for Tyler. He still believes that. No one from camp would have betrayed Tyler, not even Paul, who’d been genuinely devastated when Tyler was taken.
But leave it to Nico to continue to keep Josh and Tyler unreasonably paranoid even in his death.
Josh shoves his own spiraling thoughts aside as Tyler keeps talking.
“Nico also smeared me into seeing him as people I loved before he tortured me sometimes. So I’d think it was Maddie pulling my fingernails out, or Jay electrocuting me, or Zack waterboarding me. Sometimes it was my parents.”
Josh flinches inwardly but forces himself to stay composed, though he still cringes at the thought of Tyler having his fingernails pulled out, though. It’s horrifying and gruesome.
He also wonders if Tyler ever saw Josh as the one torturing him. But Tyler answers the unspoken question before it’s even asked.
“It was never you. He didn’t want me to see you—not even for torture. He thought it might give me hope. Joke was on him, though, because I hallucinated you every night.”
Josh swallows hard and gently lifts Tyler down from the counter, handing him the plate of food. “I dreamt about coming to see you every night.”
Tyler gives him a shy smile, taking the plate. Then he leans in and kisses Josh on the cheek. And again. And again. Until he’s covering Josh’s entire face with kisses.
“Hey! You’re gonna drop your plate. Go sit down, you menace. I didn’t become a stay-at-home boyfriend just for you to drop my food,” Josh teases.
Tyler smirks playfully and presses one last kiss on Josh’s lips before turning to sit down. But Josh can’t help himself—he slips his arms around Tyler’s waist from behind, pressing his face into Tyler’s shoulder.
“I thought you wanted me to sit down,” Tyler chuckles.
“I do. Just wanted to hug you for a second.” Josh buries his face into Tyler’s neck for a moment.
“As if I haven’t been forcing you to hug me all day.”
“It’s not forced,” Josh mumbles into Tyler’s skin. “I’d spend my whole life with you in my arms. No questions asked.”
“You’re gonna make me all emo. Shush,” Tyler says softly, his smile audible in his voice.
***
Dinner goes well. Talking about his anxiety seems to help, and the distraction of conversation keeps Tyler grounded. They talk about how Tyler wants to start waking up at the same time every day. His therapist suggested he establish a routine, and Tyler agrees. He also wants to go walking on trails and in the woods again. He says he misses nature.
Josh talks about how he wants to start working out again and how he’s been marking pages in a baking book to try new recipes. He also admits how embarrassed he gets when he cries in therapy, especially when he tries to hold back tears and makes weird faces.
Afterwards, Tyler’s anxiety starts creeping back. Josh gets the whiteboard and communication cards set up, places noise-canceling headphones nearby, and makes sure the weighted blanket is on the couch. He turns on Tyler’s favorite baking show, keeping the volume low to ease any awkward silences.
When there’s a knock at the door, Tyler pales but doesn’t bolt upstairs. He’s shaking, but he stays on the couch as Josh answers the door.
Maddie steps in first, followed by a man Josh assumes is Jay. He’s only seen photos of seven-year-old Jay, and this is very much adult Jay.
“Hi, Josh,” Maddie says, giving him a quick hug. “This is my brother Jay.”
Josh greets Jay, who looks nervous. Jay hasn’t spotted Tyler yet—or so Josh thinks—until his gaze lands on the couch. Their eyes meet, and Tyler looks like he’s trying to summon the strength to speak, but nothing comes out.
“Hey, Tyler,” Jay says softly, his voice gentle but unsure. “How are you? I… I missed you.”
Josh can’t tell if Jay is speaking in such a careful tone because of Tyler’s PTSD or if he’s genuinely awkward.
Tyler picks up the whiteboard with a shaky hand and writes, I missed you too. I can’t believe you’re a whole adult now.
Jay smiles faintly. “Same to you. I remember thinking you were so old when you were a teenager. Then, when I turned seventeen, I realized you were still a kid. Because I still felt like one.”
Josh feels a pang as a memory surfaces: There are no kids in war. He’s been thinking about trench arguments with Paul lately, memories surfacing more than usual. Therapy must be stirring things up.
“Can we sit down?” Maddie asks, breaking the moment. Normally, she’d make herself at home, but the dynamic feels different with Jay here.
Josh nods quickly. “Of course.”
He sits beside Tyler on the loveseat. Tyler leans into him instinctively, picking up the whiteboard to write something.
Josh isn’t expecting what it says.
I’m sorry I left.
The air shifts. Josh suddenly feels like he and Maddie are intruding, but he knows Tyler will be upset if he leaves.
Jay swallows hard. “It’s… it’s in the past. We were both kids— kind of. I just wish you’d said goodbye,” Jay says, his voice trembling, like it’s something he’s wanted to say for years.
Tyler clenches his teeth. I was going to. But I just wanted to get away after that fight.
Josh picks at his nails, unsure of what to do or say. He glances at Maddie, their eyes meeting briefly, but neither of them offers any expression.
“I cried a lot after you left,” Jay admits quietly. “Zack and Maddie had to stay up to calm me down every night just so I would go to sleep.”
Josh feels the tremors in Tyler’s body intensify, the shaking now harder to ignore.
I’m so sorry. For everything, Tyler writes, his face tight with the effort of holding back tears.
Jay nods, but there’s no “It’s okay” or “I forgive you” in response. Josh notices the hesitation and realizes that whatever Jay is feeling, it’s far from resolved. It strikes him, not for the first time, how leaving his family was traumatic for Tyler—and how it was definitely just as devastating for those he left behind.
Josh shifts uncomfortably. Tyler’s siblings are almost certainly just as haunted as Tyler is over it. Losing their brother and their parents within a week? That kind of grief doesn’t fade. And then the question creeps into his mind: did they ever blame Tyler for what happened to their parents? Do they still?
A sudden knock on the door cuts through the tension. Zack doesn’t wait for an answer, stepping inside with a case of beer in hand. He stops short when he sees Tyler.
Zack sets the beer down carefully, his gaze fixed on his brother. Tyler hesitates, but when Zack approaches for a hug, Tyler shakily stands to meet him. They embrace, and Zack lets out an emotional laugh.
“I told you I’d be taller than you someday,” Zack says, his voice thick.
Tyler huffs out a soft laugh, a rare sound that makes the moment even sweeter.
Josh observes them, surprised. Zack is nothing like what he expected. Based on everything Maddie’s said, he thought Zack might be distant, even a little passive-aggressive. And Jay? He figured someone who performs in front of crowds would be more outgoing, but Jay seems cautious, subdued. It’s like their roles have flipped.
“I brought beers. Do you guys drink? I feel like anyone who’s been through the shit we have would drink, so I kind of assumed,” Zack says half-jokingly.
Maddie pinches the bridge of her nose, clearly exasperated, but Zack doesn’t notice. His focus is still entirely on Tyler.
Josh clears his throat, cutting in. “Yeah, we drink.” His voice comes out awkward, but he presses on, wanting Zack’s approval for some inexplicable reason.
Zack grins and starts handing out bottles, filling the room with a new kind of energy. “To having Tyler back?”
“To having Tyler back,” Maddie and Josh echo.
They all clink bottles, and for the first time tonight, Tyler’s shaking seems to ease. Josh knows he’ll crash early, though. Anxiety like that burns through energy fast.
The conversation shifts to lighter topics. Zack talks about his business, and Maddie nudges Jay until he reluctantly shares stories about his band. To Josh’s surprise, Zack even asks him questions.
“So, you and Tyler hit it off right away? What’s your story?” Zack asks, taking a swig of his beer.
Josh chuckles. “I was supposed to show him around on his first day. We clicked pretty quickly.”
As he talks, Josh absently rubs small circles into Tyler’s hand with his thumb. He tries to be subtle. Tyler needs the comfort tonight.
Zack raises an eyebrow, grinning. “Maddie said you led the Banditos. How’d that happen? You seem like a softie. On the inside, at least.”
Josh flushes. “I guess I have a soft spot for Tyler. But I was a pretty tough leader during… for awhile, I mean.”
The mood in the room shifts, heavier now that Josh has clearly almost mentioned one of Tyler’s triggers. Tyler sighs, picking up his whiteboard and writing something quickly. Josh hopes it’s a distraction, but instead, Tyler goes straight to the point.
He means he was tough during my captivity.
Jay looks down, his voice quiet. “I’m sorry you guys went through that.”
It feels genuine, though there’s a strange detachment to it, as if Jay’s emotions don’t quite make it all the way out.
Maddie and Josh exchange nervous glances. They hadn’t planned for this—Tyler being the one to bring up his trauma.
Jay doesn’t falter, though. If anything, he softens. “I saw you on TV. I know you were forced to write those songs, but… were you able to let little pieces of yourself through? Did it help at all?”
Josh, Maddie, and Zack all freeze, waiting for Tyler’s reaction. Maddie looks like she might jump in, her earlier warnings flashing through her mind, but Tyler simply bites the inside of his cheek.
Yeah, I was, and it did, he writes, his hand mostly steady now despite everything.
Zack suddenly stands and excuses himself, unexpectedly waving Josh to follow him. Josh hesitates, glancing at Tyler for permission. Tyler nods, already writing another response to show Jay.
Josh steps outside, catching up to Zack on the back porch. To his surprise, Zack pulls out a joint instead of a cigarette.
“You look like a deer in the headlights,” Zack says with a chuckle, lighting it.
Josh tries to compose himself. “Sorry. Just… didn’t expect this.”
Zack takes a slow drag, exhaling smoothly. “Want a hit?”
Josh hesitates, then takes it. He prays he doesn’t cough and embarrass himself in front of Tyler’s brother. He wants Zack to like him. Taking a small hit, he tries to mimic Zack’s casual air, but he isn’t sure if he pulls it off.
Zack smirks. “Didn’t think ‘smoking with my boyfriend’s younger brother’ was on your bingo card this year, huh?”
Josh laughs softly during the exhale, relaxing a little. “Not even close.”
By some miracle, he doesn’t cough. Still, he feels calmer almost immediately.
“Can I ask you something I probably shouldn’t in front of Tyler?”
“Yeah, of course,” Josh replies, taking another hit when Zack passes the joint back to him.
“Well, this isn’t really a question, but… the scars on his arms. Are those from Nico, or did he do that to himself?” Zack grimaces as he speaks. Josh avoids his gaze.
“He did it to himself,” Josh says after a pause. “Nico didn’t leave scars where people could see.”
The words come out before he can stop them. Was that too much? Josh suddenly feels like he’s crossed a line. But he’s too foggy to second-guess himself now.
“Do the gloves have anything to do with the self-harm?”
Josh swallows hard. He can’t tell the truth about this one. The lie comes instinctively. “They’re tied to some aspect of his PTSD. Not sure exactly what.”
Josh knows, logically, Zack has no reason to suspect him of lying. But his weed-addled brain convinces him Zack is about to press further.
Luckily, Zack doesn’t.
“Why the whiteboard?”
“Also PTSD,” Josh explains, finding his footing again. “Nico… made Tyler associate talking with, uh, negative outcomes.”
“Hm.” Zack exhales a long plume of smoke and hands the joint back.
Josh takes what he decides will be his last hit, inhaling carefully as Zack asks, “Do you think I should bring up the fight we had? Or wait? I don’t wanna scare him off. It’s already taken months for him to feel okay about seeing us, and I’m kinda freaking out that I’ll ruin it.”
Josh exhales slowly, a sudden wave of dizziness hitting him. He breathes in fresh air to steady himself.
“Uh… let Tyler bring it up, maybe?” He winces. Is that bad advice? Probably. “Or, wait—just do what feels right.”
Zack snorts. “You haven’t smoked in a while, huh? I thought the Banditos were all stoners.”
Josh blinks, trying to focus. “A lot of us are, yeah. But it’s been a while for me.”
Zack watches him for a moment, then says, “Look, I know this is out of the blue, but you seem really stressed, man. Like, that deep-in-your-bones kind of exhaustion. You need to figure out how to manage it.”
He pulls a handful of lozenges from his pocket, their wrappers printed with tiny marijuana leaves. Josh smirks, his thoughts growing hazier.
“So your sister copes with therapy, your brother copes with music, and you… get high?” Josh teases.
“Pretty much,” Zack laughs, and soon they’re both laughing, even though it wasn’t that funny. Josh feels good. He takes the lozenges Zack offers and tucks them into his pocket.
“Thanks, Zack. You’re cool. I was worried you’d be, like… angry or something.”
As soon as he says it, Josh regrets it. That feels like something he wasn’t supposed to say. But Zack just smiles, tapping the ashes off the porch.
“I appreciate that, Josh.”
When they head back inside, Josh’s first thought is, It’s way too bright and everyone is going to see that my eyes are red. His second thought is, I definitely smell like weed. Oh god.
He steps into the living room, and every head turns to look at him. Their gazes feel heavy, and his skin crawls. Everyone seems to be smirking, exchanging glances, silently judging him.
Josh’s brain scrambles for a solution. Then he remembers something: if he’s embarrassed, he just needs to be in on the joke.
Josh came up with this trick on his own in Trench so he could get through talking in front of groups of people all day long. He was bound to embarrass himself sometimes.
“Your brother got me high,” he blurts out. It… wasn’t as confident sounding as he had hoped it would be.
Before anyone can respond, he adds, “Sorry this is your first… uh… interpretation of me, Jay.”
Maddie and Zack start laughing. Tyler, meanwhile, grins in open-mouthed surprise, his eyes wide. He quickly writes on his whiteboard and holds it up: Do you mean impression?
Josh sits down next to Tyler, forgetting to respond, his legs feeling weirdly unsteady. At some point between standing and sitting, Tyler’s hand finds his, and now Tyler’s thumb is tracing gentle circles on his skin. Josh wants everyone to leave. He wants to lie in bed with Tyler, to kiss him until the rest of the world disappears. But that’s not happening anytime soon. Get it together, Josh.
People have moved on conversationally, and Josh doesn’t remember when that happened. But he knows that people are smiling, that Jay seems like he wants to be happy but is fighting it, and that Tyler’s anxiety has melted away, leaving Josh as the one feeling twitchy. Their roles always seem to reverse. But is that the human condition? The nature of relationships? Josh really wants a snack.
He sips his now barely-colder-than-room-temperature beer to satisfy any cravings. But now he’s wishing that Tyler was in his mouth. Fuck, he wants Tyler in his mouth bad.
Standing abruptly, he wanders into the kitchen to find a distraction. Tyler follows, watching as Josh stares blankly at the snack cabinet like it holds all the answers. Without a word, Tyler steps forward and pulls him into a tight hug.
“You okay?” Tyler whispers into his ear.
“Yeah, just looking for a snack,” Josh whispers back. Then he blinks. “You’re talking?”
Tyler nods. “I can get my voice to work when it’s just you. I wish I could explain it.”
“You don’t need to,” Josh murmurs. “You’re too pretty to have to explain things.” He presses a soft kiss to Tyler’s jaw.
Tyler huffs a laugh. “Okay, I’m sending everyone home. You are baked.”
Is he baked? Man, he wants to bake. It would be fun to make cookies with Tyler right now.
“I wanna bake,” he accidentally says out loud.
Tyler barely suppresses a laugh. “Let’s say goodbye to everyone first. Can you hold it together for that?”
Josh nods dutifully. “On it.”
Tyler squeezes his shoulder, taps his cheek lightly, and heads back to the living room with Josh close behind. Josh watches him pause when he enters, sees frustration flicker across his face when he can’t get the words out. Tyler picks up his whiteboard instead.
I gotta go to bed. But I want to see you guys again soon.
Maddie nods immediately. “Okay, sounds good.” Josh appreciates how she doesn’t ask questions, doesn’t push, doesn’t even pretend to be upset. She just respects Tyler’s boundaries. Maddie is nice.
“Thanks for being nice, Maddie,” Josh says earnestly, feeling like an over-eager golden retriever. She smiles, gives him a hug, and leaves. Tyler hugs his brothers. It’s nice.
“Sorry for getting your boyfriend high,” Zack jokes as he heads out. “I like him, though. He’s fun.”
Josh feels a pang of pride to have gained the approval of another one of Tyler’s siblings.
“It was good meeting you,” Jay says quietly to Josh. Then, to Tyler, he adds, almost guiltily, “Please text me.”
The door closes, and Josh and Tyler speak at the same time.
“Jay is so tall it terrifies me,” Tyler says just as Josh blurts, “I cannot get a read on Jay.”
Tyler lets out a tired sigh but smiles. “Wanna have a snack with me?”
Josh nods enthusiastically and follows Tyler to the kitchen. He sits on the floor, savoring the warmth of the heated tiles. He doesn’t know why this house has that feature, but right now, he could bow down to whoever made that decision.
When Tyler sets down a bowl of orange crackers in front of him, Josh grabs a handful and pops them into his mouth. Josh has never tasted anything so good in his life.
The words bow down flicker through his mind again. “When do you get to smear me?” Josh asks suddenly before realizing that maybe bringing up Tyler’s smearing abilities right now is not a good thing.
Tyler blinks but doesn’t seem offended. “When do you want me to?”
Josh considers. “Mmm…Tomorrow?” Then, with his mouth still full, he asks, “Can I also suck you off right now? Not smeared?”
Tyler laughs. “I can’t believe you’re asking me that with food in your mouth. Ask me again in an hour—after you’ve brushed your teeth and I’ve showered.”
“Deal,” Josh says with a grin. They pinky promise for some reason, both of them smiling like idiots on the kitchen floor.