Chapter Text
Goldie tightens Ruze’s tie as he smooths out his own jumpsuit, done up properly. Altare is helping Shinri practice walking around as Hakka pins the veil to his hair.
“Hold still you fucking giant! I am not jumping with a sharp pin in my hand!”
“Sorry!”
Shinri crouches down so Hakka can finish pinning it in, chuckling to himself.
“Okie, the bride is ready! And I think Jurard is too!”
“Well, I think we’re ready.”
…
Octavio stands in the back, warily eyeing the guards as people bustle into their seats. Small crowd, and it’s jarring how empty the “bride’s” side is. Goldie and Ruze can be seen chatting at the front, laughing at something. Axel makes eye contact with Octavio and winks, giving a small thumbs up. Altare passes by as a waiter, offering a glass of champagne to him from the gilded tray.
“Just a heads up, don’t eat anything here. I’ll try to make sure I pass you by, but I wouldn’t touch it if I were you.”
“Yeah, Axel warned me earlier. What’d you put in it?”
“A pharmacy’s worth of laxatives. Basically a bottle per dish. They’re rather large portions, so I’m not worried.”
“You know if the king dies of shitting himself, I’m not gonna complain.”
“Let’s not get our hopes up yet.”
He continues on, leaving Octavio to sip on his champagne. Considering he actually let him take the drink, he’s assuming it isn’t spiked. Flayon pops his head in from behind the door, nodding to Octavio.
“It’s flower time, bitches.”
“Perfect.”
Octavio signals to Hakka to start playing music, who begins plucking out a familiar song on his guitar, trying to play it in a way that seems properly “romantic”. Jurard is brought out from a side entrance, looking nervous as he stands on stage. Bettel guards the door, having followed him in. Octavio cues Flayon, who begins throwing flower petals as he makes his way down the aisle, making sure to shower Jurard’s side as well. He smirks, knowing that there’s a fair amount of itching powder covering these petals.
Once Flayon makes his way down the aisle, he takes his place on the bride’s side, slowly making his way off the stage as Hakka starts up the “here comes the bride”. Ruze makes his way down the aisle, briefly exiting before re-emerging with Shinri holding onto his arm. The walk is slow, and Octavio is rather grateful at how opaque the veil. He pulls out his camera, snapping photos as they walk down. Ruze does the hand off to Jurard, who is barely containing his excitement. Luckily it doesn’t look too suspicious, which he is grateful for.
Axel clears his throat, bringing all the attention to him as Hakka quiets his playing.
“Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to recognize the union of these two clans. A unification of royalty and community, for the betterment of both families. Uhhh… considering the short notice I doubt either of you have vows written, so we’ll just move onto the good part.”
He adjusts how he’s standing, and Octavio readies his camera.
“Do you, Jurard T. Rexford, understand the merriment this day will bring you for the rest of your days?”
“I do.”
“Then I’d suggest you fucking duck.”
Jurard dives towards Shinri, who unveils himself, pulling out his crossbow from where it was hidden beneath the train. He lifts up the skirt, revealing Jurard’s pistols strapped to his ankle, which Jurard quickly grabs. Axel lugs the massive dildo at Jurard’s parents, who are horrified at the thing once it hits their faces.
“FUCK YEAH, TEMPUS DILDOS FOR THE WIN!”
The guards start moving in on Jurard and Shinri, which gives all the rest of the boys their cues for chaos to ensue. Octavio rushes over to the curtains, tugging on some strings he had hidden and makes all the decorations fall to the ground. Ruze and Goldie reveal their knives, beginning to fight off the guards who try to get close. Ruze headbutts one of them, stealing their axe and begins swinging with more excitement.
“Now this is what I call a fucking party!”
“Ruze, behind you!”
A guard gets close, but Bettel manages to yank them back with his whip, tipping his hat to them. Hakka grabs his guitar, cranking up the volume.
“WHO’S READY TO ROOOOCK!?”
He begins shredding on the guitar, blasting the eardrums of anyone not used to his guitar playing. Luckily for our boys, they’re rather used to it and appreciate the fighting music. Altare and Flayon open the doors, and begin ushering people out quickly.
“JURARD! SHOOT THE BALLOONS!”
“Wh- OH.”
He opens fire upon the balloons, screeching when they burst into flames and begin catching the other decorations on fire. They hurriedly begin moving to escape, Shinri ditching his heels for more mobility. The cars are already packed up with their things, including Jurard’s dowry.
“To the carriages!”
“Bettel, they’re cars!”
“You fucking heard me!”
The words “JUST MARRIED” and “FUCK YOU” are spray painted onto the back windows as they speed away from the castle, passing by several cars as they make their escape. Jurard finally sighs with relief, rubbing his face as his smile returns.
“Oh my gods, I wasn’t expecting that, but holy shit. I don’t think I’ve ever seen my dad so angry and disgusted.”
“Good! I lubed up that dildo of consequences real good, they’ll have quite the time getting that shit out of their clothes.”
Jurard just cackles, wiping his eyes of the tears that form from his laughter. Shinri looks relieved, collapsing in the backseat.
“We’re just glad to have you back, man.”
“I’m glad I have you guys, really. I don’t know what I would’ve done if you didn’t come for me.”
“Probably suffer, and we wouldn’t have our favorite dino to make fun of!”
Axel and Jurard laugh, but Jurard knows what he really means.
“We’re probably going to need to upgrade security since they know where the tavern is…”
“Eh, if your dad dies, you can just move into the castle.”
“What, really?”
“Oh yeah, they were marrying you off so you wouldn’t inherit the kingdom.”
Octavio pops his head around into the backseat from the passenger seat, Axel focusing on the road. Flayon stays quiet on Jurard’s other side, focusing on disposing of the many layers of gloves protecting him from the itching powder.
“Well, I’m willing to wait. Although I’m excited to see that smug look wiped off my mother’s face when she realizes she’ll have to give it over to me.”
Jurard cackles again, and the other boys know they have their dino back. The ride home is exciting, but mostly filled with relief.
…
The reptilian bride enters the banquet hall, horrified at the ruined decorations and smoldering fires everywhere.
“What on Earth happened here?”
The queen stands up, covered in ash and scratching at her skin.
“Your would-be husband and his band of delinquents happened. The wedding is off.”
Guards escort the bride’s family back out to their vehicles as servants begin cleaning up anything they can.
“I will get rid of you, my son. One way or another…”