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“Sometimes,” a soft voice floated up from where it was nestled in a thick blanket, luxurious and comfortable, “I think I should have tried what Ardbert did.”
The words make Alphinaud still from taking another sip of tea. His fingers were still somewhat unused to not wearing gloves. Being warm constantly, now, was something strange, but he would not dare admit he was overwarm whilst sharing his bed with Hawa.
“I don’t think any of us are fully aware of what it is, exactly, Ardbert did. Only you and Banat could see him, after all, and he missed that moment - too busy worrying over the rest of us. Care to enlighten?”
“He gave me his being. His shard, I suppose.” Dainty fingers fiddled with the edge of the blanket. There were more calluses on them than Alphinaud remembered. “A rejoining separate from the worlds.”
“Ardbert… was dead. Naught more than spirit. You are alive, Hawa.”
The statement was forcefully punctuated. He kept his tone even, despite his growing concern.
“If I had simply given myself to Banat, would he have finished the fight more swiftly? I believe I can travel from one body to another, just as the Echo allows. Garlemald forced me to vacant my body, but I believe now it could be quite voluntary. Especially with Sharlayan tomes of aetheric research at hand.”
Alphinaud set the tea atop the end table, staring down at Hawa from the corner of his eyes. It still unnerved him how her right limbal ring had faded from a bright gold to a hazy gray. It made it easier to see her beautiful green iris.
It made it easier to see how empty her eyes were.
“I think the world would go on.”
“Pardon?”
“These past spare months - I think they would have played out exactly the same without me.”
“Hawa…”
“Banat would have enjoyed his time with his beloveds, with his daughter, before launching into a hunt for treasure with Estinien. You and Alisaie would be in Garlemald. Everyone else would be neck deep in their own works until called upon. If I had rejoined Banat-”
“You would have died-”
“If I had died, nothing would have changed!”
Hawa had whipped her head to look him in the eye, the singular gray limbal ring brighter and sharper than anything else, almost indignant. Surely the staff would be concerned to hear dear Mistress Yumite yell, of all things, but Alphinaud prayed they had the tact to not interfere.
Faintly, Alphinaud tried to recall the last time he had ever heard Hawa yell from anger. The only time he could think of at all was when she argued with Al’banat over his avoidance of incidents with Zenos involved.
After a beat of silence, fiery gold swept over her eyes.
“I have given my heart, my soul, my very being to provide love, support, and care to each and every one of you damnable scions! In return I have been paid with no better than a passing thought. I am the beating heart of the Scions of the Seventh Dawn, and I am the one tossed aside now that all is saved!”
Alphinaud took a breath, trying to calm the sharp pit of anger in his stomach as he kept his gaze even.
“I ask you not intervene, Fray.”
“She will lose her nerve to talk back. I will not.”
“I have faith that Hawa will speak her mind, with or without you, now.”
A moment. Another.
The gold faded to green. Hawa was once again quiet as she broke their stare.
Alphinaud gave her time. Slowly, her voice rang out again, strong.
“I can hardly remember however much everyone watched over me and Banat when we all returned. He was more lucid, despite his graver wounds.”
“I stayed at your side,” Alphinaud supplied in return, letting his hand fall atop hers. It was twice the size, now. “I did then as I did years ago, in Ishgard. I summoned your faeries, I watched over you, and I prayed.”
“Yet as soon as I was well, all left. Twould have been the same if I had died. You all would have grieved, then went on your way.” She took a deep breath, nodding as she let her words be spoken. “I understand that it was decided we would all split due to the orchestrated dissolving of the Scions of the Seventh Dawn. I would have understanded it better if we were all simple colleagues. I - you all are more than my friends. You are my tribe. I have never been on my own, before. I have had the Malaguld, and I have had the scions. Suddenly I was bereft of both.
“I wished… I wished to travel as a group, somewhere fun. Somewhere we could all explore, together, without the weight of the world on our shoulders. Without deadlines and parents and enemies. It is selfish, but I - I do not care if the world is suspicious of us as a group. We are a group. We are a family.”
“What… of Aersthota?”
“What of Aersthota?” Hawa retorted, fists clenched in the blanket, knuckles white. “Aersthota is not one of us ! I love her, I do not regret our vows, but at the end of it all Aersthota has not been through what we have all been through. Even on the First, she saw but a fraction. I did not long for her comfort - I did not watch her die!”
The tears that had threatened to overwhelm finally overtook her, shuddering breaths in her breast. “Aersthota was not there when I fought Garuda. Aersthota was not there as I suffered Ishgard’s hate. Aersthota was not there at the Steppe, at Yanxia, at Kugane. Aersthota was not there when we infiltrated Eulmore. Aersthota was not there at the ends of existence!
“Sometimes I think that when Ardbert joined me or when Fandaniel threw me and Banat into one body that I was changed.” Curling in on herself, Hawa’s nails threatened to pierce the fabric of the blanket. “Azem made Eos to protect and to love and that was all that I needed to do to sate myself, but the more and more I come into contact with what soul I was made from, the more I feel as though there is more to me than serving and giving! I want - I want attention, I want to be noticed by those that I love, I want to push and have someone push back , I want to believe that my closest companions won’t forget about me when I step out of view! I want to be Hawa instead of the Warrior of Light just as much as they wished to be Helios instead of Azem, and I cannot even voice these frustrations because the only ones that understand either do not wish to hear it, Banat, or hold him as owner of this soul more than me, Omoux!”
“Hawa.”
Slender hands cupped her wet cheeks, forcing her to look back up at him. His hair was down, for once; the shirt he wore had a hole in its sleeve from where Koishi had nipped at him, once. One of his legs had snuck under both of hers under the cover. His foot was cold.
“The world would keep turning without you. It must. But it would be a far worse place without you in it. Without your smiles, without your Steppe singing, without you to sic Yalagch on Alisaie when she tries to pet him before Fera can. I would miss when we braid our hair to match, the way I wake up with your horn in my side. Another hero could rise to try and claim your place, but even if they had all your talents, they would not have all your charms. They would not be the older sister to me that you are. I love you.”
He wrapped an arm about her shoulders, pulling her in until her head knocked onto his chest. “I’m sorry. I just… had no idea how much you were hurting, these past months. What everyone, but especially you and Banat went through in Ultima Thule… perhaps we were all too caught up in the moment of success to consider it. I know that I can have a blind focus on what I feel must be done, and that I’ve been distracted by Garlemald and Fera both, of late, but… it is no excuse to neglect you. I think - Jullus was right in more ways than one. We could all use a break somewhere warm. Somewhere we can explore, and adventure in… for leisure. If there is nothing that catches our eye soon, perhaps we could all visit that island you and Banat are cultivating?”
A sigh, weary and exhausted. She dipped her head lower, shaking against him.
A slight mistake, then, but one enough that he recognized it in an instant.
“You didn’t want to go to a feast. Alright. I am sure it has been quite a while since last you were asked, but I will ask it now, and I will remember to ask it more often: Hawa. What is it that you want to do?”
She stilled, sniffling, letting those words wash over her.
What… she wanted?
For once it was a warm day in Sharlayan, few clouds in the sky to obscure the sun. A handful of blankets were spread out on the flowery grass surrounding the Leveilleur estate, baskets of food and drink scattered along them.
A shadowy figure in dark armor sat under a tree, hand gentle where it sat upon a sleeping Al’fera’s head, happy to be napping the afternoon away. Y’shtola and Urianger were into their cups of wine, Thancred minding them humorously, while Lyse chattered about all that had been accomplished in Ala Mhigo so far. G’raha and Krile had put aside their notes for now, laughing as they instead studied how Elene squeaked and wriggled her toes in the grass. Estinien sat across from a young Varshahn, a tiny Azdaja settled in her brother’s lap, chirping animatedly at the faint visage of an equally little Midgardsormr.
Tataru was arguing with Al’banat over some clothing design she had in mind for him and Hawa, leaving an opening for Alisaie to pilfer candies off of Al’banat’s plate in his distraction. Nearby Ameliance traded stories with Hidenari, the Forum having graciously lifted the charges against the man in return for the deeds his daughter had done for the star. Omoux and Haurchefant were eagerly laying out decks of cards, insistent on teaching them some of Ishgard’s favored games.
Hawa leaned against Alphinaud, cup of blood orange juice in her hand, basking in the warmth of the sun. A picnic with all of them - with food, and family, and games, where no one was worried, no one was hurt.
Cool, dark aether pulsed softly behind her right eye. She would have to remember this occasion, would have to remember that she was allowed to ask for her wants, that she deserved these things.
Like a little picnic to celebrate the survival of Etheirys, a little blue bird singing in the tree above her sleeping companion. It would be nice to do this every time they saved a world. A picnic for the Thirteenth, and perhaps one for whenever Y’shtola finally broke through to the First… she could just imagine Giott throwing back ale while Unukalhai finally got to return to the home he lost. And Zero would be there, strong, smiling, a blade tempered in darkness that could not dare pierce her light.
But that was the future, and this was now. Quietly Hawa let a small orb of dark aether form in her hand, taking advantage of Alphinaud’s scandal at the rules of the game Omoux was explaining. She wrapped her hand about the crystal pendant of her necklace, letting the aether turn the blue into a deep purple.
There was no use in carrying the pain inside of her when she could hold their promise close to her heart in a less intrusive way. If anyone noticed as her limbal ring returned to gold like the dawning sun, none made any note of it.
Her father kissed her crown, she tugged Alphinaud’s braid to tease him, and Al’banat squawked at the disappearance of his sweets.
Hawa laughed.