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There's a funny trick to self loathing, one that is as insidious as it is subtle. It's not a sudden onset of belief or conspiracy of personal value triggered by an event. It's not something that passes over time if left alone. And it's not something that wears its face when it speaks. Hatred of the self, the low esteem, isn't even an idea.
It's a constant, waiting to be proven right again and again. It's the foundation of every insecurity, that you know deep, deep , down than your not worth a shit and not worth knowing. The kindness of community is a facade of pity, the assurances of family is simply a moral obligation, and any compassion you share is merely an attempt to pretend to be someone important. Sure you may not be cruel or vicious as others may be, and there are those that will entertain your presence with laughter or conversation. But as soon as convenience leaves, so does that connection; there's always more important people to be around.
You don't even feel angry anymore, not when you understand why. The mind that tells you constantly that every compliment is a lie and every jeer is reality, that the problem isn't some kind of action that can be repaired but simply who you are, is one that can't be swayed by logic, at least not for very long. Idle distraction can silence the sadness and loneliness into a dormant complacency. Fuck, sometimes you could even think hap're happy.
But then one thing. One little goddamn thing, and the loathing lashes out. How dare you, it screams, how dare you think you're worth joy. How dare you pretend to be a friend, a partner, a person . If there was a God then he may make no mistakes, but he also didn't make you worth anything to anyone. Connection, meaning, and purpose aren't things you seek, they are things you don't get to have. Those are only meant for good people, and you are not a good person.
It was already hard for Eddie to be inside his own head. Having another completely sentient being occupying the same space felt like karmic retribution.
Venom never talked about Eddie's self loathing, at least never directly; time and circumstances made for excellent distractions. But when they started their journey east, travelling across vast expanses of American rural landscapes, the docile and mundane pastimes allowed sorrow to seep into Eddie's forefront of thought. That wretched and awful habit of doubt, of himself and the people around home, strung across a thin tripwire of his own perceptions of other people's opinions. A trickle that Eddie knew would soon lead to a tsunami if not stamped out, it was not distracted, if not ignored and walked away.
Eddie, you're leaving a sour taste in our throat. Let us kill what makes us bitter and move on.
“Man, do I have bad news for you.” Eddie muttered glumly to himself, watching the forest pass quickly from their bus window. “There's no changing that aftertaste.”
What do you mean? Just don't think about it.
The laugh wasn't meant to be as jaded as it came across, and Eddie immediately felt the bite of guilt that misery weirded against him, but it still left him a little amused at what was apparently the universal solution to any planet's depression.
“It's not a choice.” Eddie adjusted his airpod, tapping on nothing on his phone to sell the illusion of sane conversation. “It's just... who I am. The core of my soul, if you will.”
That is incorrect. You are wrong and stupid.
“I know.”
... You are not stupid. But you are wrong.
“See, logically I know that.” Eddie leaned back, eyes shut in a meagre attempt to mask the growing discomfort behind his eyes. “But when the mind is convinced of a truth, it's hard to change it. Especially when it's emotional.”
Do all human’s brains do this?
“Not always, but it can. It's called... well it's actually called a lot of things. Mental illness is the umbrella term.”
It's horrid. How do humans live like this?
Eddie didn't answer, but the sudden stiffness of his back and muscles must have spoken for him. Venom didn't press the issue further then, his presence easing into a rhythmic hum that lulled Eddie into a light doze.
The next few days offered some respite from misery as the two navigated accommodations and food on a restricted budget. The latter was solved easier than the former as criminals tend to infect any town no matter what. But finding someplace to sleep that wasn't an outright hovel was more tricky, and eventually the two settled for a dinky motel nestled just off the highway, ancient neon advertisements and a sun bleached exterior more appealing than a park bench. For the next few days, at least, the Appalachian Paradise.
It happened so suddenly then that Eddie didn't even realise what had happened until he was walking away, fighting back that falling echo of weary dread with the key clenched tight in his hand. He was talking to the receptionist, an older woman with grey in her hair and hitch to her accent, and he thought they were having a decent conversation. He isn't sure what he said, or if it even mattered, but her warm tone turned cool, and Eddie saw the awful familiar expression of annoyance of his presence within her eyes. When she gave him the keys, it was with a curt goodnight. Had she walked him to the door, he imagined she would have slammed it too. Or maybe it was all just in his head, and there had been no change at all.
Either left him aching, exhausted, and slow. He reached the door of his assigned room, a corner suite distant from the lobby. Coincidence or not, his mind used it to affirm his anxiety. Had he really been that repulsive?
She was a cunt. Venom manifested his head once they were inside the room, doors shut and blinds fasted close. You didn't do anything wrong.
“I'm sure she was having a bad day, that's all.” Eddie tossed his bag to the floor and lifted the mattress, thankful of its spotless underside.
Okay, good for Ms. Bitch. Not our problem.
“We've literally been almost murdered, what, twice now? Three? I think we can handle one geriatric.”
She made you hurt. She made us sour.
“She- it's not her- it's complicated.” Eddie sat on the bed, watching the slick black ichor of his other half slink around the room, moon white eyes scouring the tiny space before finally settling on Eddie, his toothy maw curled into a scowl. His heart winced in expectation of disappointment.
Tell me how to fix it.
“Fix what?”
That hurt. That sorrow. Tell me so we can tear it out from our insides.
“It's not something you can just stop.” Eddie sighed. He lifted out hand, and Venom slipped his head underneath his fingers in a strange affection unique to only them. “It's kind of like a tattoo. It can fade from the skin but it won't go away. Not completely. You can take medication to help, but even then it doesn't go away. A part of growing up is... I guess living with it.”
I don't like Eddie. Venom huffed. We are superheros. We fight the bad guys. We're not one of them.
“I'm sorry.” Eddie meant it. Guilt was always a causality of anxiety, but he knew Venom didn't deserve to suffer with him. He didn't ask for this.
Venom's head pushed in towards Eddie, growing shoulders, then chest, then torso, until Eddie was laid flat on his back with the symbiote staring down at him, massive arms boxing his head between them. He figured that, for anyone else, such an image would be frightening. But for him, for them, it was the closest thing either of them had left of a home.
Do you love me?
“You know I do.”
And you believe that I love you?
“Well, I hope-”
I do. I love you. I love us. I love everything we are. Venom hummed, leaning down to nuzzle into Eddie's neck. The weight of his form, whether a trick of the symbiote or truly present, slowed Eddie's pulse. We would swallow every king and bishop if you so pleased. There is nothing else I want but us, and if that means sharing the boulder of your own doubts, then so be it. I will simply have to scream louder.
He knew when Venom was lying, or at least he thought he did. He's never been given a reason to doubt him. And when he whispered for Eddie, only Eddie, he could almost believe it. A well of distrust leaked into the peace, bubbling with whispers of pity poisoning the lull that Eddie had slipped into with Venom. But before he could even linger in the paranoia, Venom spoke again. Louder.
When have you ever known me to pity you, Eddie?
“I have heard you disparage human existence a couple times.”
Humans, Eddie. You don't count.
Eddie laughed, letting himself relax into the bedspread. At least for tonight, he could let Venom tell him what to think about himself. Seemed kinder than what Eddie could come up with himself.
...
The next 3 days were a blur of idle chores, casual tourism, and the nightbound hunt of lowlifes. Admittedly, there weren't many that Eddie thought deserved lethal consequences, but enough time near the highway allowed Venom to feast on a trucker who tried to kidnap Eddie in the pitstop bathroom. Whether it was because he underestimated Eddie's physical power or simply fell for the meek persona all lead to the same place, their stomach.
Besides the alarming nature of what prowls in the dark of near lawless roads, Eddie had to admit how much he actually liked this little piece of Colorado. A small mountain town with not much going on, the days were scenic and the night was quiet. For the first time in a while, he could look up in the sky and see the Great Rift twinkle above the earth, an ancient behemoth in comparison to earth but still so new to Eddie. The night sky was no longer just a dark black, but a painting of blues, purples, and yellows that were inlaid with diamonds that counted into the millions. On the 2nd night there, the two had found a firewatch tower nearby unoccupied, and Eddie laid on his back to see the spectacle slowly drift by. Venom watched with him, and he could feel a yearning in the back of his heart that wasn’t his.
“Does it make you miss your old planet?” Eddie asked softly.
No. We mapped our stars aeons ago, and we resented their existence just as long. We were born in the void of darkness, and all that we are told we want is to return. I once wanted to swallow the stars to extinguish its light.
“And now?”
I’m realising how many I would need to eat. And I wish I had taken the time to learn what they looked like.
“Maybe we could get the chance. I hear they’re building some pretty sophisticated spaceships.”
Absolutely fucking not.
True to Venom’s word, he had begun to overcrowd the parts of Eddie’s mind that poked and prodded and squeezed his insecurities, blanketing both his wandering mind and emotional wellbeing in a constant engagement of attention. For each nagging doubt of himself, Venom was quick to correct or admonish the idea. While it wasn’t a perfect solution, and sometimes those little fears managed to shake Eddie, it was easier to let go in the wake of Venom’s words. It slowly grew to where Eddie began to believe Venom more than he believed the anxiety.
The afternoon of the 3rd day started out as peaceful as the other ones did, though there was a sudden shift in the atmosphere that made the town blanketed in a grey of storm clouds before 5. Eddie had barely escaped the downpour, trying to shield the magazine he had nicked from the lobby just minutes before while Venom struggled with the door. It occurred to Eddie that maybe they would have more success switching, but soon enough the door swung into the dark abyss of their room. As they entered, his cellphone began to ring. It was an old flip phone bedazzled in pink rhinestones that had belonged to Anne 10 years ago, but given a new purpose as a burner cell so that she and Dan could make sure he was alive. The I.D was unknown, but Eddie figured that maybe one of them was using a work phone. As Venom began to pull Eddie’s wet clothes off his body, he put the speaker to his ear.
“Hey, we’re okay. Just in Colorado, hows-”
“Eddie?”
The voice on the line sent a rocket of ice through Eddie’s legs, freezing him in place as he struggled to find his next words. Not even dread, who lept at every chance it could, had anything to say to what he had just heard.
“D-dad?”
Venom immediately stilled, as nerves under Eddie’s skin at full attention. Carl sounded older, more tired, but just as cold as he had been the last time they spoke. It had been Eddie and Anne’s engagement party, and all he had to offer was a reminder to Eddie to not fuck this one up too.
“I thought you and Anne weren’t together anymore.”
“First time you’ve spoken to me in 3 years, and that’s-? You know what, nevermind.” Eddie sat on the end of the bed, eyes strained forward and his heart starting to beat again. “Why are you calling Anne anyways? And how did you know about me and her breaking up?”
“When the famous Eddie Brock loses his job and girlfriend in the same week, it’s hard for it to come back to me. Do you know how much shit you caused here? That’s all that anybody asked me about for weeks!” Carl spat. “And I’m only calling because I wanted to know if my kid was still alive. The old number didn’t work.”
Anne had blocked Carl immediately after the party, and only because Eddie finally relented in not wanting to cause more issues. She hated his guts and told Eddie that the only way he was going to be at their wedding was if it was in a porcelain vase with a ‘Rest in Discomfort’ sticker plastered in front.
Carl continued, “So, how's the fall from grace treating you? Don’t tell me you’ve been bumming around the woods for the last year.”
“No, I’m passing through.” Eddie sighed and shut his eyes. “We’re coming back to New York.”
The silence that responded was one that Eddie could imagine well. His father, staring down at him with a look of exhaustion and genuine resentment as he processed whatever his son had told him.
“If you’re looking for a hand out, you’d have more luck turning around.” His father finally broke, contempt clear in his tone. “You’re not a kid anymore, Eddie, I’m not going to fix your mistakes.”
Eddie already decided that he wasn’t even going to reach out to his dad once he made it to New York, knowing full well that he wouldn’t be welcomed. But to hear it outloud, to hear how much resentment his father had for him, made whatever peace he had made with himself quake. His father continued. “And whose is this “we” you keep talking about? If you’ve got another lady there with you, I’d worry about how quickly you moved on.”
“It’s not a woman.” Eddie’s mouth responded faster than he could think, and he heard his dad groan into the phone.
“This again? I thought you outgrew your little liberal phase.” Eddie recalled a time when he was caught kissing a boy for the first time by his father, a slew of slurs and insults that resulted in Eddie never letting himself even try to reconnect with that part of his sexuality until he had moved away for school. Just another way he had been broken. “Is that why you two broke up? Because you couldn’t act smart for once? God, sometimes I wonder if you’re even thinking at all. I hate to use the word stupid for anyone, but you’re pretty fucking stupid Eddie.”
“I’m not stupid.”
It was meek, childish, and quiet. But it roared against everything Eddie had done before, a small defiance where before he would have just accepted his father’s criticisms. It must have caught his father off too.
“What?”
“I said, I’m not stupid.” Eddie took a deep breath in. “I’m not stupid, dad! And I’m sick of you telling me I am! You don’t know anything about me or him ! God, you don’t even know half the shit I’ve seen, what I’ve been through. Maybe if you did, you’d stop blaming me for moms-”
“Don’t you fucking talk about her.” Carl seethed, the electronic warble like spittle in Eddie’s ear. “You don’t get to talk about her.”
“So you not only deprived me of a father but a mother too? I barely know anything about her. Is that what she wanted? To never be known by her only fucking kid?”
“You should have died instead of her.”
Eddie was ready to end the call right there, hands already reaching for the top of the phone to slam it down, but it slipped away between Venom’s tendrils before he could. He watched slack jawed as Venom so delicately lifted the phone to his manifested head, teeth sharper than Eddie remembered them being.
“Hello Mr. Carl. This is Venom speaking.”
“What are you-” Eddie was silenced by a band around his mouth, a familiar method of keeping him quiet. At least for a little while.
“ I just wanted to let you know that when we arrive in New York City, the first thing we are going to do is break into your house, drag you from your bed, take you apart limb by limb, and dip you in a sauce made of your own blood before swallowing each piece until there is nothing left but your shit stained pants. And then we are going to paint your walls rainbow and put a trans pride flag on your porch balcony. And then we are going to go into your drawers, find your diary, and tell everyone all the awful things you keep in there. And then - he hung up.”
Venom closed the phone with a snappy flick and put it on the table, the Hello Kitty charm dangling off the edge. As soon as the tendril slipped from his mouth, Eddie immediately asked, “What the fuck was that?”
Just letting the in-law know we’re coming.
“No, we are not going to kill my dad.” Eddie lingered on the idea. “Well- no, it’s a bad idea. Just cause he’s a dick to me doesn’t mean he deserves to die.”
Yes it does.
“ You can’t be so impulsive. We’re trying to keep a low profile, remember?” Eddie huffed, but he couldn’t help the small pride that bloomed from Venom’s protective threats. “But that’s probably the first time he’s ever been confronted, and so aggressively too. I’d have loved to see his face.”
You did good as well. Venom purred, and Eddie felt his face flush at the praise.
“I would’ve fumbled in person. The phone-”
No, don’t undermine yourself. You were strong. I am very proud of you.
He could feel his ears turn hot and his hands get clammy. Inside the anxiety clawed at him, screaming about all the horrible things that would happen now that he went and did that. All the consequences. But he could barely hear them over sudden howls of Venom’s tongue that coated Eddie’s every thought. Were the voices always that small?
You and I are made of greater things, my love. A wave of the slick symbiote crawled across Eddie’s skin, dancing and weaving between the surface in a delicate worship of the body it inhabits. There is no one more vicious than us, and it is their blessing that you show them mercy.
A hand caressed his chest, encasing his breast and shoulders with sweeping chills that were engulfed soon after in a wrap of warmth. Eddie had trouble trying to tell which parts were him and which parts were the symbiote, but he decided that it didn’t matter if there was a difference.
For each way we are broken, the other takes place. Indomitable and without flaw. There is no reason to care for anyone but ourselves. Say the word and we shall become God. Ask me, and we shall swallow the stars. Tell me that you want it, and we shall be the only things that live in this universe. Even the dark will fall to us.
“Fuck.” Eddie cursed breathlessly.
Tell me you want it, Eddie.
Thick, roiling ichor curled in the dips of his neck and slipped behind his ear into his hair, thickening to a tight grip that made Eddie bite his lip.
Or do you just want me?
“Yes-” Eddie answered, though it was hard to tell for sure since his mouth was violently invaded by Venom’s tongue mid word. All at once the shitty motel room disappeared in a blanket of black pressure, the void of symbiosis consuming their shared body and pulling Eddie back into the bedspread with a furious need. All his senses were consumed by Venom and how he touched Eddie, how he breathed molten hot air on his neck, how he held and embraced Eddie as if he was the only thing left in a dying world, how slick the tongue felt as it savoured each small gasp Eddie made, and how the noise of the outside world and the voices in his head both sounded like Venom.
I am starving for you, Eddie. I want you every way I can. Please, Eddie, let me love you. Tell me all the ways we can make our hearts race, to sweat and bleed, all the ways that make you feel beautiful.
“Christ-”
No, only Venom.
“Venom , baby, please-”
Yes?
Eddie moaned, and the last whimpers of his fears died with it. “Quit teasing me. If you wanna fuck me, mean it.”
Venom growled, rumbling deep into the skin and muscle, and Eddied felt his entire body lift into the engulfing frenzy. His remaining clothes tore from the inside and wretched from his form as if an abhorrent sin but gave no edge to any chill left in the room as thousands of dark and inky fingers caressed and kneaded with worship. Eddie’s cock was swallowed, figuratively and literally, with a dizzying constant pulse of pressure that made his mind white. A slickness dove in between his legs and teased the entrance to his ass, but only just so that when Eddie felt something larger slip in, it gave no more pain than what Eddie could take. How good you are for us, Eddie. Made for us.
Even if the tongue in his breath gave him room to speak, the relentless torrent of different places of euphoria and electricity kept any tangible thought at bay. Each time he tried to focus on one place, another would pull him away, each more tantalising and more desperate than the last. Like every inch of his body was vying for his attention, his focus, his interest, and yet it was all Venom. For them.
Our children will inherit the world. Venom promised, the pounding in his ass growing deeper and faster. Gods amongst men.
Eddie was close to screaming, or maybe he already was.
When I make you cum, I want you to think of us. Both of us, me and you. And how good we feel.
And he did. Eddie thought about himself, encased in a raw violence of need and want, the centre of attention and nearly torn apart for want of more. Venom intertwined with his inner perception of himself, his teeth longer than he remembered and eyes near midnight black. He looked terrifying. He looked beauitiful.
Then he couldn’t think at all.
The next morning came with a clear sky and a new bus ticket towards Kansas, Eddie having woken up to a rapping at the door by the motel clerk with a scowl on her face and an order to check out. Eddie wanted to ask why, but the disarray in the room behind them gave a clear enough hint. So with a quick apology and a rushed packing of whatever clothes remain unscathed, Eddie ran out of the room and towards the bus depot. A few college kids whispered behind their hands to each other and exchanged conspiratorial glances towards where Eddie was trying to buy a drink from the vending machine. Were they laughing at him?
Buy the red Monster, it looks tough.
“I’m buying the white one.”
Fine. What were you thinking about?
“Eh, not important.”