Chapter Text
Chapter 3
On the Ark, Marcus had never considered himself to be a coward. Pragmatic, yes. Ruthless, sadly. But a coward? No. He’d pushed aside his own morals and fears to achieve what someone amongst their leadership had to. He’d born the weight of being that person. Surely that was not cowardly.
But landing on Earth, he’d come to see just how much cowardice he possessed. Failing to sacrifice himself to launch the Ark and allowing Thelonious to take his place because he himself had hesitated. Stalling rather than going in search of the kids they’d exiled to the ground in the first place. Torturing Abby. He was certain now that these were not the acts of a brave man, a selfless man. No. He considered himself a coward and was ashamed that it had taken him this long to recognise it in himself.
And that trait continues , he thought to himself. He hadn’t visited Abby again in Med Bay. He hadn’t told her about Clarke. Hadn’t taken her to her room, or even found someone else to do it. No. He’d spent as long as he could occupying himself with whatever he could pass off as an essential duty for the Head of Security and stand-in Chancellor. Until almost the entire camp was in bed and he could find nothing else to use as a distraction. And even then he hadn’t gone to see her. He’d retreated to his own room under the guise of finally getting some sleep. But deep down he knew he was simply hiding.
The truth was, he didn’t know what to say to her. He ached being away from her; it was painful thinking that she’d wake up and he wouldn’t be by her side, where he’d been from the start of their exodus from Mount Weather. Maybe she’d wonder where he was. Maybe she’d be worried. Maybe she’d feel sad that he wasn’t there. Still, he stayed lying prone on top of his bed covers, not moving. Because he was scared. A coward.
And what was he so afraid of now? Not for himself, as he had been so many times without truly realising it. No. Now his fear was entirely focused on her. If…when… when he told her about Clarke, she’d be hurt. And he’d be the one causing that pain. She’d suffered so much already because of him, that he couldn’t face doing it to her once more. So he hid, alone in his room, in the dark, unable to sleep but unable to go to her, because he was afraid. He hated himself in that moment.
*****
Jackson was asleep with his head on his desk. It wasn’t the first time one of them had used their office as a temporary sleeping quarters. It certainly wasn’t the first time he’d pulled an all-nighter. It was, however, the first time that he’d done it because she was his patient.
Treating her hadn’t been hard. He’d focused on the injuries, not the person. Up until the moment when her wounds were dressed and he stepped back from the bed and saw Kane still standing there staring at her. Then he’d looked back at her and seen, not a patient, but his friend. Still he hadn’t broken his doctor’s facade in front of Kane. Though the Kane he had turned to most certainly hadn’t been the same person he was expecting to see. Not the cold, collected face of the Councillor responsible for the deaths of over 300 people. No. The man in front of him was drawn and desperately unhappy, his eyes filled with tears, his knuckles white as they gripped at the hem of his own t-shirt.
Jackson had reassured him, offered him the chance to take care of Abby, certain that this new Kane would take it. But he hadn’t. Though not for any callous reason as Jackson might previously have assumed. This Kane was devastated and terrified. And he’d fled. And so Jackson had kept vigil over Abby, though he knew that, from a medical standpoint, she didn’t need it. But she was his friend. And what she’d been through meant she needed a friend right now.
His sleep was interrupted suddenly by a shrill scream. Short, ending almost before he was fully awake. But he jumped to his feet and out of the office into Med Bay. Abby was sitting bolt upright, tears streaming down her face, gasping for breath, clearly terrified. He ran to her and grabbed her hand.
“Abby. Abby, it’s ok. You’re back in Med Bay. You’re safe.”
She looked around wildly, taking in her surroundings, before settling on Jackson.
“Jackson. God, I’m so sorry.” She muttered. “I didn’t mean to disturb you.” She carried on staring around the room, distractedly.
He had a pretty good idea what…who… she was looking for. “Don’t apologise. You’re ok. I’m going to stick a light on and go get you some water. Are you going to be ok on your own?”
She took a deep breath. “Yes. I’ll be alright. It was just a dream.”
“Ok”, though he didn’t look convinced. “Are you in any pain? You’re about due another dose of painkillers.”
“No. I mean yes. But no, don’t waste them on me. I can manage a bit longer without.”
Jackson hated that she was refusing them, knowing she was down playing her pain. And he hated even more that she was right to refuse them; supplies were limited.
“Ok. I’m going to get your water. Don’t go anywhere.” He tried for a light hearted smile, but he knew it hadn’t reached his eyes.
*****
Marcus lay in the dark, staring up at the ceiling, trying not to fall asleep because he knew what he’d see the moment he closed his eyes. Abby, ripped away from him. Abby strapped to a table. Abby, screaming.
BANG BANG BANG!
Marcus sat bolt upright at the sudden thudding on his door. Reaching for his weapon, though logically he knew it was only his people in the Ark, he slid off the bed towards the door.
BANG BANG BANG!
Again. Before he’d even reached it.
He opened the door to be faced with a pretty pissed off looking Jackson. “She’s awake.” Was all he said before turning on his heels and stalking away back to Med Bay.
Coward
, Marcus thought,
I’m a damn coward.
And he followed Jackson down the corridor.