Chapter Text
(Chicago, March 2018)
“Ready to order?” Carson was brought out of her daydream by the older lady refilling her coffee.
“Oh, um maybe just a few more…” Carson was cut off before she could finish her sentence.
“Sweetie, if she’s not here, she’s not coming.” It wasn’t harsh sounding and she could tell she meant well, it was just salt in the wound because it was that obvious. Carson looked at her watch. She had been waiting in the ‘nicest’ booth of the small diner for 2 hours now.
“I guess you’re right.” Carson lowered her head in disappointed shame. “Just an order of fries will do right now?” This was her third match that she perused, using a dating app that one of her friends suggested. One girl wouldn’t stop talking about how her friends wouldn’t believe she’s on a date with Carson Shaw. She ended up going on three dates with the next girl, only to be asked if she wanted to partake in a threesome with her and her husband. And now, being stood up was a sign that maybe she’s not meant to be happy. She looked out the window into the sunshine and saw a giant billboard with the Hughe's Cosmetics logo on it, mentioning a new line up coming next month. The new line that her wife…ex-wife helped create and will model. It seemed that every billboard here in Chicago had her fucking face on it. She didn’t even want to be back in this city, let alone this fucking state.
She was brought out of the thought of her ex when her phone buzzed. When she lifted the phone from the table she was greeted with a notification congratulating her on making a match. She sighed before taking a look at the match. The woman was very attractive and seemed like a good pairing when she looked at her profile. She almost replied but deleted the app and set the phone back on the table.
As soon as the waitress put her plate down, it started to rain. It's like the weather knew to change with the sadness filling Carson's brain and more importantly, her heart.
She found the ketchup and started to pick at her french fries and thought about how she ended up here, in the stupid diner, eating these not so great fries and drinking this not so great coffee.
She had vowed that she would never move back to the state that gave her nothing but pain. Even when her alma mater, Rockford high school opened the 'Shaw Sports Wing' during a remodel, she made up a reason she couldn't attend in person. She made an appearance via Zoom but even that was short. She didn't even want to visit when she learned that her best friend Maybelle Fox moved back for a position as a principal at one of the new elementary schools. She remembers being told that some other people moved back to help "modernize" the town as it grew.
Once her fries got cold, which took no time at all, she motioned for the check and placed her credit card down, not even looking at the cost, she honestly didn't care. She just wanted to leave.
"Here ya go hon. Have a good day." The lady gave Carson her card back and when she started signing the piece of paper with a dying pen, her phone buzzed again, this time signaling that she had received a new email. She opened the app before getting up and noticed that she had received a job offer from the last place she thought she would ever work in the last town she would ever live in again. She started looking for jobs before she had even moved out of the house, knowing that her marriage was already over and she wanted, no, needed to move out of the city, or better yet, out of the state. She was job hunting when she was reached out by the assistant coach and the sports admin for the district of Rockford. She interviewed with them for the fuck of it, being professional but not actually not being too serious about taking the job. That all changed when they called her and told her the starting salary, there was no way she could have declined.
As she stood up and grabbed her coat, the sun started to shine again. She didn't know what kind of sign this was but she took it and started to walk back to her car. She didn't realize that she didn't have the radio on until she went to turn off the hatchback.
She was walking into the small apartment she moved into before shit really hit the fan when she realized that most of her stuff was still in boxes. She hadn't unpacked the small amount of things that she owned except her clothes. She didn't have much to begin with, which she never noticed until Charlie came along. When she was moving out, Charlie decided to be "nice" and gave Carson a bed frame with a mattress, which was on the thinner side, some sheets and a comforter, as well as a small dresser.
"What a cunt." Carson cursed out loud as she went to the fridge and grabbed a beer. She plopped down on the lumpy couch she had been given by a mutual friend who worked with Charlie but was close with Carson. She had found a living room table and a reasonably sized TV cabinet. She went back and looked at the email stating that her starting date is August 1st but she knew she wanted to be moved in way before July and it being March, she had some time but still needed to get out of this horrid city. She had a desk job for a small company that a friend had gotten her, so she wasn't too worried about getting a replacement.
She looked around and took in that her whole life was in these small, paper thin walls. Due to most of her things already being packed, this would make things much easier. She set her beer down on the table and grabbed her laptop after putting a random movie on the TV.
She opened up new tabs with listings and started to FaceTime with Maybelle Fox, her best friend since they were kids. She wanted her to be the first person who knew about this move.
“OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD!” The shorter blonde on the screen started to jump up and down with the phone still in her hands. “I’ll get in my car and help you pack this weekend! Everybody is going to be so excited when you get here!”
“Right, well, no one knows I’m coming back or that Charlie and I are divorced.” Carson’s face sank with sadness. “It’s official now, the papers were signed a few days ago and I’m not really ready to talk about it.”
“Oh, sugar I’m sorry.” She paused and then her eyes opened up big like she had an idea. “You know, if you need extra help moving…” Carson shot that idea down in record time.
“No. No meet-cutes or whatever the fuck they’re called right now.” Maybelle gave a playful pout.
“Okay, okay. She is really cute though and she works at the high school.” Maybelle gave a smirk.
“I’ll keep that in mind.” They talked for 2 hours while Carson started packing. They came to the conclusion that Carson would stay with Maybelle for a few weeks while Carson house hunts. Maybelle would be coming this weekend to help Carson pack and move her stuff so she could start her new life sooner rather than later. Carson was okay with this, she was doing a month to month lease and didn’t really feel like staying another month. Life actually seemed to be going okay at the moment.
After she posted the small set of furniture that she had been given, Carson leaned back on her chair and gave her computer a small questioning glare. She couldn’t help herself but look up the current staff directory for the high school. As she went through the pictures of teachers by departments, she found a few teachers that were cute but not really Carson’s type. She was now curious at this mystery woman Maybelle had mentioned. Carson knew she’d never hear the end of it if she texted Maybelle about the woman’s name so she called it a night.
Once the laptop was closed, Carson called it a night and made her way to the shower, turning on the squeaking shower to a somewhat decent temperature. It was on the colder side but she has been forced to take colder ones when the building plumbing had messed up, again.
She stood under the lukewarm water and started to rub a small bar of soap on her arms. When her hands kept moving down her body she shook with a small shiver. She would not pass a lie detector if she was asked about hoping that she’d get laid today after the date that didn’t happen. She thought that even if they didn’t work out, they could still go a round or two. She thought about trying to get herself off but her emotions were too all over the place to concentrate. Instead, she turned off the water, grabbed her towel, and made her way into bed. The bedding would be getting donated before moving. As well as the mattress after selling the bed frame. She tossed and turned with the memories of the bed.
The old guest bed that was in the larger house that Charlie and Carson had together. It was the perfect house for what Carson was wanting.
“I want at least two. It doesn’t matter boy, girl or sea monster, I’ve always wanted two kids.” Charlie smiled at Carson’s words, nodding her head in agreement. Sometime after the wedding, they started trying with no luck. It ruined both of them but then a miracle happened. Charlie got pregnant and they were both over the moon. Then, about 4 months into the pregnancy, there was a loud noise and then crying. Charlie’s mom had brought luggage over and Charlie had tripped over it. There was yelling but no blood or pain. The next day, an ultrasound told them otherwise. There was only one heartbeat and it was Charlie’s. The lack of the second was when the marriage officially took a turn for the worse.
Carson knew Charlie’s mom didn’t like her. It was a mutual feeling but Carson was a smidgen more mature about other people knowing. Leanne had big plans for her daughter that did not include marrying a professional softball player who only played for 2 years before the league got terminated. Carson had never heard anyone stick up for her the way Charlie did that night. Roger, Charlie’s dad, wasn’t able to keep his excitement about the marriage a secret, while Leanne wanted to tell Charlie, so that she could tell her ‘no’. He couldn’t wait to walk Charlie down the aisle but he passed away before he could. Carson seemed to be more emotional about his passing than Charlie or Leanne.
“How can you even ask me about that right now?! I am trying to plan my wedding and my mom really needs me right now.”
Carson was confused why she never got responses from her friends about their RSVPs. When she brought it up with an old classmate that she’s still close with, she learned that NONE of them had received anything about the wedding. By the time she learned this, it was too late. It should have been one of the big red flags that popped in Carson’s head when she found the pile of the invites on Charlie’s desk, under a book that she had asked Carson to retrieve. When she brought them up, Charlie brushed her off and changed the subject.
“I don’t know what Roger saw in you but you were never going to be a part of this family. And now that my daughter has lost her child and my grandbaby, I’m sure he would have been on my side.”
When they lost the baby, Carson was devastated and knew that accidents like this could happen at any time. She was surprisingly level headed but that changed when Leanne accused Carson of not taking good care of Charlie or the baby. It was worse when Leanne failed to acknowledge that it was her suitcase that her daughter had tripped over. They got into a screaming match when Charlie stepped in asking Carson to remember that her mother-in-law just lost her grandbaby. She took a deep breath and walked away, hearing Charlie talk about the baby as if it was only hers and how Carson had been pushing her away and other lies. Carson suggested a marriage counselor and Charlie counter offered a divorce.
Carson made a mental note to get a new bed frame that wasn’t the product of what feels like the two greatest failures in her life. She shook her head and told herself that there will be no pity parties in her bed tonight, just the happy thought of she has a new well paying job and will be moving this weekend for the next big chapter in her life.
The week flew by and Saturday afternoon had Carson opening her door to let Maybelle in who jumped into her arms, knowing Carson would catch her. They gave each other a small kiss on the lips before Carson put Maybelle back on the ground.
"I'm so happy to see you Bells. You have no idea." Carson looked exhausted and Maybelle could tell something was off with her. "They started to put billboards up everywhere. She's everywhere." The area around Carson's eyes were black, showing the sign of no sleep. Maybelle pulled Carson into a hug.
"Well, I'm here and it looks like we have a lot of work ahead of us." Maybelle was right, Carson tried to pack but the billboards of Charlie, in a coat that was used as a dress. Carson missed her ex-wife, even though Charlie was horrible to Carson in the last few months of their marriage. "Carson, I know that face. She was a bitch to you and you know it." Carson was surprised that Maybelle didn't call her from jail the next day when she had shared the news of Charlie's cheating.
“Ummm…Carse?” Maybelle had opened Carson’s special drawer. Most of the toys were ones that she had with Charlie but never threw them in the trash. Carson turned bright red as she pulled a vibrator out of the drawer, using a towel.
“Fuck. Throw those out. I never liked those. They were for Charlie.” Thinking about it, it was always for Charlie. They had multiple conversations about Carson using a strap but every time it was brought up Charlie wasn’t interested.
“Penetration with a fake dick isn’t just for me Carson. Drop it.”
Penetration with Carson wasn’t for Charlie, but cheating on Carson with a real dick is okay? The more and more Carson packed, the more she realized that Charlie really did take over her life.
“Okay, but this one is brand new?” Maybelle pulled a harness out, unused, that was leather with studs on it and looked very uncomfortable. Carson took a hard look at it. The size was wrong, it was too small for her and she hadn’t recognized it. She wasn’t really surprised when Carson told her to throw it away. A few seconds later Carson stopped moving and her face went pale.
“Oh my god.” Then a lightbulb went off and her eyes got big and didn't even recognize that she said this out loud. “It was…it for him.” Carson felt sick. “The…the…the porn. The smaller dildo. She was going to peg him.” Carson looked defeated and thought about the one and only time they had used a strap. She turned red with embarrassment remembering that Maybelle was there, apologizing that she didn't mean to say that out loud.
“If we do this, we’re gonna do this my way." Carson flinched as Charlie tightened the straps on the uncomfortable harness she bought for Carson. After being awkward with it, Charlie blamed Carson.
Carson was now thinking of all the ways Charlie was in charge of everything, especially their sex life. Carson would try to please Charlie, and at the beginning, the sex was raw and hot but closer to the wedding their sex life changed. Carson figured that it was just stress but that wasn't the case. Carson wasn't good enough for Charlie anymore.
"Ugh, Carson what is the matter? You used to be so good at this and now I have to finish myself off, you're a pathetic lover."
That night had been a fluke. Carson was off her game but she always loved watching Charlie take the vibrator she had in her drawer and slowly insert inside of herself. Carson would end up grabbing one of her own and they would finish together. Little did she know that this would be the last time she witnessed a true orgasm from Charlie.
Carson was brought back down to Earth when Maybelle called her name.
"I also found this?" It was a faded tie-dye crew neck sweatshirt with 'CANCUN' in big white letters that had seen better days. Carson's eyes lit up and she smiled.
"You found it! I've been looking for that for years. I thought she had thrown it away." Carson grabbed the sweatshirt and pulled it into her nose. Carson pulled it back with a confused look on her face and then sniffed it again. She knew this god awful cologne, it was too strong and almost smelled like tobacco. She had first noticed it when she had met Derek at a holiday party for Charlie's work. She noticed how flirty he was towards her but he was like that with everyone.
"Derek's a little handsy, isn't he?" Carson was laughing in the passenger seat, while Charlie told her how awesome their project was going. Carson got nervous during the awkward silence that filled the car.
"I think Charlie wore it when she was with him." Carson looked down the reminder of what was once her best memory of the two.
The two of them sat on the beach, watching the waves. It was the perfect day. The water was warm that day and Carson was trying to hold her phone sideways to get both of them in the frame. The first one they were a few inches apart, the second one, they were a little closer. The third is when Carson turned to kiss Charlie’s cheek. The third picture was a sign of true love. It was awkward and very fast, even for lesbians, that the picture had a bright and clear aurora that just yelled “She’s the one!” The third picture was of their first kiss. Charlie had turned just in time for their lips to touch. The fourth picture showed two drunk college kids starting to laugh. There was no fifth picture because Carson dropped the phone on the blanket they had laid out over the hot sand to place it on Charlie’s cheek.
"We had gone to Mexico in college for a friend's 21st birthday. We were still in that 'are they, aren't they' point in our relationship." Carson pulled out a picture of the day of their first kiss. Carson had that sweatshirt on even though it was a little too warm for one. "She knew I loved this and now...and now it smells like him." Carson grew cold and threw it in the trash bag that was closest to her.
"Oh Carse, come here." Maybelle took her best friend into her arms and Carson "Let me know when and I'll go kick her ass for you." Carson laughed. They ordered dinner as they finished packing the last of the boxes. Carson didn't have a lot of things and would get furniture when she got settled in a new place. She had already sold all of the furniture and donated the kitchen dishes that she had bought for herself. Charlie kept all of the items they had collected over the years.
“Alright, that’s the last of it. Are you ready for the next chapter?”
“Wow Bells, that was cheesy, even for me.” The two friends laughed as they went downstairs and Carson turned in her key. Carson got in her car and stared out the windshield and took a deep breath. “Here we go."
The car ride felt like it took days but as soon as she pulled into the driveway of her best friend's house, time felt like it was moving too fast. Somehow she had beat Maybelle to her own house, pulling into the left side of the driveway. Thirty minutes later Maybelle pulled into the garage after opening the door.
"You can pull in the other side if you want?" Carson had started getting out of her car before getting back in and parking in the garage. Carson brought in her suitcase and backpack, setting them down before introducing herself to Gibby, Maybelle's gray long haired cat. "What sounds good for..." Maybelle was cut off by sobs. Carson had slid to the floor, resting up against the wall with the cat now in her lap. Maybelle sat next to her and rubbed her back.
"Fuck." Carson swore, thinking about the reasons she was on this floor. "I feel like a failure, Bells. Professional baseball fell through and now the divorce. Where did I go wrong?"
"You didn't. Look where you are now. You're getting a fresh start. You're going to have a new job and who knows, you might end up finding a new love." Carson rolled her eyes. "I mean it."
****
Carson and Maybelle spent the next day looking at houses online after Carson found a real estate agent. They scheduled a meeting with a dark haired man whose smile seemed legit but obviously his mind was on money. They met at a local coffee shop that Carson put in the back of her mind as a possible go-to place.
The man was short but nice with a stern voice. They spent an hour going over a smart price range and scheduled appointments to look at houses the following day. Before leaving they shook hands and the gentleman stated how lovely of a couple Carson and Maybelle made, the two giggled after he walked away.
"I guess that wasn't that painful." Carson took a small sip of her coffee. "I'm actually hoping the whole thing goes by quickly."
"Yeah, so we can have a housewarming party and you can meet..." Carson made a face with a small glare.
"Housewarming party? Yes. Meetcutes? No." Carson sighed. "At least not right now. I need to be on my own right now." Carson puffed up her chest with her chin high. Maybelle snickered.
That night after a night of binge watching TV, Carson looked at the ceiling, thinking about how people would react about the divorce news. She hadn't thought about going through her social media and deleting all of the pictures of the two of them. As she was scrolling through old pictures, her mind brought her back to what life in Rockford was like before she left. She had posted throwbacks of her and her dad. How she never came back except for the passing of her father when she was 22.
That year was also the last time she saw Meg, her older sister of 3 years, who never thought of her as ‘normal’. They exchange holiday texts but that’s about it.
Meg started to really be hurtful towards her when she caught her kissing one of her friends in their kitchen when she was 16. It was bad enough that they had to over lap a year in high school only because of a few months but now that she was gay, her life was surely ruined. Her friend yelled at Carson when Meg stopped in her tracks and said that her freak of a sister was coming on to her. Meg slapped Carson and walked away. Later that week, 16 year old Carson was beaten up in the parking lot by the softball field by that girl's older brother and his friends. The boys were arrested, Meg was grounded and Carson's nose was broken.
But, even with the bullying and Maybelle moving away their sophomore year of high school, Carson graduated 2nd in her class and with a full ride to a school in Arizona. Another state she now claims she will never go to again. Yeah, she played for the pro softball team in Arizona but it also brought Charlie Evans into her life. The woman who she moved back to Illinois for because she knew that the job offer was too big and amazing for her not to take. The same woman who supported Carson when she was scouted for the pro team and was there when the league dissolved after four seasons, which she only got to play in two of them. The league that was Carson’s dream but all that was left of that dream was the crusty eyes of the next morning. What was a harder kick in the gut was that the team had won the championship that 3rd year and she was hoping for a 2nd but all she got was heartache and a divorce.
She looked at the clock and it read that it was a little past midnight. She set an alarm before picking a podcast to help her sleep. She sighed before rolling over, drifting off at what fresh hell tomorrow will bring.