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Neil never expected this to happen. He’d be the first to admit that his friends were all at least somewhat attractive and he told them openly; Charlie with his charisma and the way his hair fell against his forehead, Knox’s absentminded charm and his soft smiles, Meek’s eagerness to learn new things and the way his glasses magnified his doe brown eyes, Pitt’s quick wit and the way his jaw set when he was focused. Even Cameron could be charming, the slight crinkle he’d get between his eyebrows when he was determined and the pink flush that coloured his cheekbones when Charlie teased him highlighted his freckles and moles.
So it wasn’t like Neil had never admired another guy’s looks before but it was different with Todd.
When they'd first met Neil noticed Todd almost immediately. He’d been struck by his deer-in-the-headlights expression as his parents set off for Nolan, Neil watched as Todd's mother dragged him behind her like a rag doll and watched the way he followed her body moving seemingly on its own accord as he stumbled over his own feet like a marionette.
Then they were assigned roommates so Neil had gone out of his way to introduce himself. He'd taken one look at Todd, quiet and unassuming Todd, and had known immediately that they were to be friends.
Neil had a known tendency to ‘pick up strays’ as Charlie would say, he couldn’t help himself he’d done it with all of them. Neil and Charlie were childhood friends ready to take on Welton just the two of them, at least that was the plan until a ten-year-old Neil had brought a clumsy and forgetful Knox to their table at lunch. Charlie hadn’t minded at first Knox was nice enough and funny in his own strange way, they’d grown close too, the three musketeers, and all was well until Neil came to Charlie's room for study group three weeks later with two new boys in tow, a gangly brunette and a nerdy looking redhead he introduced as Pitts and Meeks. They’d made it work with the five of them. Neil, Charlie, and Knox being a little trio were fine because Pitts and Meeks were roommates and they were close as can be sure study sessions were a little harder now with how cramped the space was but it was fine, Meeks and Charlie became closer, the redhead took to tutoring the other in Latin, and Pitts and Knox followed Pitt’s dry sarcasm complemented the other boy’s odd humour well. So two became five and everything was fine.
Until Charlie got a New roommate in their third year; a pale redheaded boy with millions of freckles, bright green eyes, and a tendency to say the wrong thing. Richard Cameron was weird; he was smart like Meeks only twice as studious, he was sarcastic like Pittsie but lacked the other boy’s signature good-natured tone, he had Charlie’s stubborn nature but not his relaxed disposition and he often messed up social cues like Knox even though he tried harder to fit in. Charlie disliked him from the get-go, finding his people-pleasing tendencies and his know-it-all persona to be jarring, this was fine because Cameron didn’t seem too fond of him either, always rolling his eyes at the others' antics and turning away from Charlie when he tried to talk to him. You can imagine Charlie’s surprise and displeasure when he went down to the common room only to find Neil pulling Cameron away from his usual place in the corner and towards their table.
Neil had promised Charlie that he’d stop taking on charity cases. Lest their whole group become social pariahs. The group dynamic had only just become stable; Neil, Charlie, and Knox with Meeks, Pitts, and Cameron but Neil was sure Todd didn’t count they were roommates after all so it was imperative they make nice.
Todd was quiet and thoughtful, a little melancholy. He slotted into their group so seamlessly it was almost like he’d always been there. Todd was a listener, always there; a shoulder to cry on or a soundboard always ready to spend his few words on good advice that was always half followed. As well as he blended in, there were moments where his late arrival was blatant, this was one of those moments they were all crowded into Neil and Todd’s dorm; Todd and Neil lay sprawled out on the formers bed to make more room for the other poets, They listened intently to some semi-interesting anecdote Knox was sharing about Chris hanging off his every word, But before long Charlie and Knox began bickering with each other poking each other sides crinkling Neils bed sheets with their roughhousing causing Cameron to berate them from his perch on the windowsill, Charlie was questioning Knox’s credentials while Knox insisted they listen to him because he was the only poet with something that even slightly resembled a romantic relationship with a girl. And Neil knew none of the others had so much as flirted with a girl since starting Welton. Six years with no female contact bred a special kind of anxiety within them, and other than Charlie’s occasional dinners with a daughter of a family friend the only other person who could even possibly have had a relationship was, “Todd you went to Balincrest, that’s coed right Do you have a girlfriend?” Meeks asked from where he sat draped over the desk, his legs thrown over Pitt's. Todd smiled a little sadly and shook his head “Girls didn’t really pay me much attention, the other guys said I was too plain.” The other Poets all nodded in sympathy letting out slight hums of agreement and understanding, all except for Neil Perry who lay there frozen next to Todd. As the others began to pack up for the night he tried to make his brain reboot because Todd not having a girlfriend was fine, good even, it made sense Todd was a nervous wreck the best of times let alone in front of a girl but Todd Anderson was anything but plain.
Neil spent the next week in a permanent state of perplexity because Todd Anderson was one of the prettiest boys Neil Perry had ever seen. He’d known that the moment they met the first day back from summer break shaking hands for the first time in the courtyard, he’d found Todd striking with his sad watercolour eyes cheeks rosy from the September wind, endeared by the way his thin wrists poked out of the hand me down blazer he wore clearly one of Jeffery’s, couldn’t help but feel a little charmed by the sight of his light brown hair almost black from copious amounts of gel. This feeling had only grown upon knowing Todd more. The moment Neil thought he had his admiration for Todd under control something would happen, like earlier today Neil had meant what he’d said he really was concerned about how little their secret society meant to Todd, had wanted to see him truly moved by something anything really, but he was sidetracked by the look of trepidation in his baby blue eyes, by the way the autumn sun hit his light brown hair making it seem almost golden. he found himself promising to take care of the other boy and he knew deep down that he meant it.
Things only got worse as the days rolled by, Neil found it hard to concentrate on anything other than Todd, a fact the other boy seemed thankfully unaware of. The poetry lesson with Mr. Keating had honestly been his last straw, the way the other boys mocked Knox’s poem had him growing restless like they’d hear his prose about angels with dark gold halos and sapphire eyes and read between the lines. Then Todd had gotten up and stunned them all with his talent, last minute and completely on the fly so obviously they’d all applauded him (such genius deserved to be rewarded.) and Neil was sure this memory would haunt his dreams; Todd standing victorious, beaming down at him, lips pretty and pink.
Neil called an emergency meeting that evening after dinner with the two people he knew who understood romance.
Charlie and Knox sat on Knox's bed as they watched Neil pace around the dorm, he stopped dead in front of them “If you find someone attractive does that mean you like them?” he asked, Charlie scoffed “No, it just means you have eyes, if I wanted to date every cute person I saw on the street I’d get nothing done.” Neil shook his head “No you don’t get it, he’s the most attractive person to me like no one else competes” he tries to explain. There's a beat of silence before both Knox and Charlie decide to answer “no” “Yeah” they both say simultaneously. Knox turns to his left to look at Charlie, expression incredulous “What do you mean yeah?” he asks Charlie shrugs “I’m just saying it’s completely possible, I’ve seen it happen.” Knox folds his arms “Literally when? I need proof " he demands "Just look at Cameron man” Charlie says rolling his eyes like that explains anything “What?” Knox asks “Cameron, he’s super attractive but I fucking hate his personality.”
They spend the rest of their ‘meeting’ trying to convince Charlie that it is in fact not normal to regularly daydream about making out with ‘arch nemesis’. Neil ends up leaving Knox’s dorm even more confused than before. He pulls the door to his dorm open revealing a tired-looking Todd clad in soft-looking pyjamas, he’s working at his desk, Todd looks up at the door when it opens, he smiles hazily up at Neil “You’re back” he says voice quiet and a little croaky from disuse. The dim lamp light catches his wet hair and flushed skin still damp from his shower, it casts shadows on his cheekbones from his eyelashes. Neil closes his eyes, takes a deep breath, and steps into their room, he shuts the door behind himself.
Maybe Charlie’s right, maybe it is possible to find someone so attractive you’re borderline besotted with them without wanting to date them, not that that matters now to Neil because he’s clearly in too deep.