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“I guess I’ve never been particularly interested in it.”
That gets a reaction from the whole table, and it’s not what Hirano wanted. He always feels uncomfortable when the topic steers this way, and he doesn’t really know why. It’s the truth that he doesn’t think much about kissing, or holding hands, or whatever it is that people do beyond that. Why would he? It hasn’t really come up, after all.
At least, not outside of Kagiura. But that’s a whole different beast that Hirano doesn’t want to think about right now.
But for some reason, it’s a truth that others find difficult to swallow. It’s way easier for them to accept that Ogasawara already had his first kiss because he has a girlfriend - his blue-haired friend even calls it “normal.”
And Hirano doesn’t get it at all.
“You’re an endangered species, huh?” one of his classmates say after a while.
It’s also not what Hirano wanted to hear, but in a way, he expected it. He already has a lot on his mind from what Kagiura said earlier about what they were doing being “something lovers would do” - why would he say that? Hirano doesn’t even know what lovers would do! - and now here’s another something that lovers would do that apparently he also doesn’t get.
Something normal that he doesn’t understand.
“N-no way!” Hirano says. “There are other people like that out there.”
What he doesn’t add is, “and I’d like to know where they are.”
It’s not the first time.
He knows Valentines Day and White Day are considered romantic holidays, but for Hirano, they’re both just excuses to binge on more chocolates than usual. He has a hard time keeping track of them too, considering nothing too special happens on those days when he’s at school or in the dorms.
His class was having a snack party to celebrate the end of exams, and he had just called Sasaki since Miyano wanted to talk to him. A few minutes later, Sasaki barges into the room and immediately kneels to the floor, his face red.
“What’s gotten into you?” he asks, a freshly-won Pocky stick in his mouth.
“What should I do?” Sasaki says instead, seemingly ignoring his question. “My heart won’t stop beating.”
Hirano only gives him a blank look. “If it did, you would be dead.”
He hears a few snickers around him, but he ignores them in favor of watching Sasaki head back to his seat. “My heart is racing so fast.”
“What, did you not get enough exercise or something?”
“No, it’s not that…”
“What he means, Hirano,” one of his classmates interrupts, “is that he’s lovestruck!”
“So tell us, Sasaki! Who’s the lucky lady who gave you that cute gift?”
“Damn, is that for White Day? Sasaki’s getting more action than all of us!”
“Wait, White Day?” Hirano asks out loud in the middle of his classmates crowding him. “That’s today?”
“Yup, though I’m quite surprised Sasaki got a gift at all,” says Hanzawa as he approached him. “You were the one who called for him, Hirano. Did you see who gave it to him?”
“Not really,” Hirano replies with a shrug. “It was just Miyano, and he said he wanted to talk to Sasaki.”
A gleam forms in Hanzawa’s eyes. “Oh. I see.”
Not for the first time, Hirano thinks that he’s missed something, but it’s a common feeling whenever he’s talking to Hanzawa.
What bothers him more is Sasaki - or, rather, his reaction to Sasaki. How did his classmates figure out that Sasaki was… “lovestruck” was the term they used? All they saw was him blushing and that his heart was beating fast! Sasaki isn't really the most athletic person - why couldn't that be the reason?
And, wait, does this mean Miyano was the cause of his classmate being “lovestruck”? With the length of time he was gone, it was pretty unlikely that Sasaki went to talk with someone else. Did Sasaki have feelings for Miyano, and was this Miyano’s way of reciprocating them? Was that what made Hanzawa gleam?
It all felt too confusing.
“Is it normal to want to kiss somebody?”
He quickly removes the question from the search bar - it feels too embarrassing, and he doesn't want to risk anyone seeing it should someone somehow get hold of his laptop. He definitely doesn't want to let Kagiura see it and get the wrong idea.
Instead, he types a single word.
“Normal”
- Something that is widely and generally accepted
- Something that can be seen anywhere
That definitely applies to love, Hirano thinks. It’s almost comical how much love he sees around him, in no small part thanks to his roommate.
He knows Kagiura loves him - it’s something that the basketball player has never failed to remind him about. He also knows that Kagiura is expecting to love him back eventually, what with the 10-second touches and the other ‘experiments” they’ve been doing.
What he doesn’t know is how to get to that point.
Sometimes he imagines it, what it’s like to love Kagiura. What it’s like to feel so strongly about Kagiura that it consumes him. What it’s like to reciprocate Kagiura’s advances with all his heart. What it’s like to touch him without the restrictions, to kiss him.
And it doesn’t click.
He knows that he cares for Kagiura - he doesn’t think he would do all of this for him if he doesn’t care for him. He knows that all these “experiments” are making Kagiura feel happy, and that alone makes them worth doing. But they’re supposed to make him feel happy, too, and he doesn’t know what to say to that.
And that destroys him. Is there a switch within him that just hasn’t turned on? Is there a knot in the wires that needs to be untangled?
Why isn’t it clicking? Why am I not getting all of this? Why am I feeling nothing?
He just wants to know how to love Kagiura, like how everyone else knows how to love each other.
He just wants to feel normal.
He’s in the Disciplinary Committee room the next day sorting out some documents, and both Sasaki and Miyano seem to have gotten the memo not to bother him.
He lets their conversation serve as background noise, Miyano in the middle of one of his fudanshi outbursts that no one but Sasaki seems to be able to handle. Then the noise suddenly comes front and center.
“And then I started reading this manga, it’s technically not a BL - don’t look at me like that, Sasaki-senpai, I read other genres too! - where it’s a marriage of convenience between a gay man and an aromantic asexual woman…”
Aromantic asexual?
“Aromantic asexual?” Sasaki echoes, almost like he was reading Hirano’s mind. “What does that mean?”
“Oh, I had to look them up too!” Miyano replies with a smile. “Aromantic is a term used for people who feel little to no romantic attraction, while asexual is a term used for people who feel little to no sexual attraction. So basically, both of these people aren’t really attracted to each other, since the husband is only attracted to guys while the wife isn’t attracted to anyone.”
…what?
“But they get married anyway because of the pressures from their family. So it’s a marriage of convenience because they can be a quote-unquote ‘normal’ couple, but really, both of them know that their relationship isn’t built on love but on a mutual understanding.”
What?
“It gets funny when they introduce the gardener, who the husband has had a huge crush on since they were kids. And the wife, even if the concept of romance doesn’t apply to her, she enjoys BL just like I do! So she ends up shipping the two of them and has a lot of fujoshi meltdowns—”
“WHAT?!”
Both Sasaki and Miyano flinched at Hirano’s outburst, the blond standing up out of nowhere. He was breathing heavily, and his eyes were wide open, but he doesn’t care about how he looks.
Isn’t attracted to anyone.
Relationship isn’t built on love.
The concept of romance doesn’t apply to her.
“Hirano-senpai? Are you okay?” he hears Miyano say.
A term used for people who feel little to no romantic attraction.
Aromantic.
“Hey, Hirano, what’s wrong?” he hears Sasaki ask.
A term used for people who feel little to no sexual attraction.
Asexual.
“Hirano-senpai?” Miyano repeats, and that snaps him out of it. He looks at the worried faces of his kouhai and classmate, and he knows that he should say something to reassure them, but he’s at a loss for words.
“Uhmm, sorry about that,” Hirano finally says. “It’s just I, uhh, I just remembered that I forgot to do something for class, so I have to go back to the dorms. Can you lock up here when you’re done, Miyano?”
“Forgot to do something?” Sasaki asks in disbelief. “Hirano, you’re you—”
“Sure, Hirano-senpai,” Miyano interrupts and gives Sasaki a look. “I can lock up.”
“Th-thank you,” Hirano says as he packs his things. “W-well done today. See you tomorrow.”
He doesn’t wait for their reply as he rushes out the door.
An hour of Google searches later, Hirano is on the verge of tears.
He feels like he found a whole other world that he’s been kept away from, one that he apparently belongs in. He read about all the experiences and worries and frustrations other people were facing about coming to terms with their aromanticism and asexuality, and they all feel eerily familiar to him.
No, not eerily, his mind immediately corrects. Comfortingly.
There really are other people like him out there, other people who don’t see the appeal of romance, other people who don’t think much about physical contact, other people whose experiences with relationships come purely from the media they consume.
Other people who are aromantic and asexual.
Having those terms feel like the bricks in his head are coming together rather than being thrown around haphazardly. He lets the experiences he reads about solidify those bricks and build a house that isn’t quite normal, but is still a sturdy structure.
He even reads about how some people who identify as aromantic, asexual, or both get into relationships, even if the idea generally doesn’t appeal to them. He reads about how people find happiness in making their partners happy, how people can see the appeal of a relationship if it’s a specific person, how people are still attracted to their partners even if that attraction isn’t romantic.
It all makes his response to Kagiura’s confession a lot clearer.
“Hirano-san, I’m home!”
Hirano says his usual “Welcome back, Kagi-kun” in response, but he immediately follows that by standing up and heading to his roommate.
“Hey, Hanzawa-san was talking about how we should go to the—”
Hirano shuts him up with a hug. He would’ve probably found it rude if the scenario was reversed, but right now, he doesn’t really care.
“H-Hirano-san? Is this your 10 seconds for today?”
He doesn’t answer and just lets the hug wash over them. He feels Kagiura returning the hug, but he can also feel the hesitation from the confusion. He’ll explain it soon, but he needs to get this out of his system first.
“Hirano-san, it’s been more than 10 seconds…”
Hirano thinks this warrants more than both of their 10 seconds. He finally has the beginnings of an answer for his roommate, and he knows Kagiura at least deserves this reciprocation for now. He can do that much.
“Hirano-san?” Kagiura says again, much softer.
“Thank you for being patient with me, Kagi-kun” Hirano finally says as he ends the hug. “I swear I’ll have the right words to respond to your confession soon, but I’ll need a bit more time to sort them out, okay?”
Kagiura’s expression softens at that. “Of course, Hirano-san. Take all the time you need.”
Hirano still has a lot to think about - what exactly does he want from his relationship with Kagiura? what boundaries need to be defined? what kind of relationship would it even be? - and he’s definitely worried about what Kagiura would think about all this, about how it wouldn’t align to his expectations. But in the back of his mind, Hirano knows that Kagiura would understand.
He knows that Kagiura would see what he’s going through as normal, and that only makes Hirano love him more.