Chapter Text
After that, he cried for a while.
He had thought of an… whatever Josh was. While masturbating. Fucking idiot. It wasn’t even that big of a deal, he hadn’t actually done anything to Josh. Josh didn’t know any better either, that’s why his hands were where they were. Definitely. He had run home, he touched himself. He needed to, it shouldn’t have made him feel as good as it did. He didn’t need to feel good, why did he do it?
That’s the thing no one talks about with coping mechanisms. You do things like touch yourself to feel just a little bit of pleasure, but the moment the pain comes reeling back you wonder why you even tried. It does nothing but put a leash on it.
Tyler had been masturbating since he was young. It was experimental from the start, “Wow what is this squish hair texture that’s so silly…” Not always sexual, not until he was 12 and discovered that thinking of certain things could lead to certain sensations.
He never talked about it to anyone. Not even Mark, his best friend in disguise. Not even his mom, not his sister or brothers. This was for Tyler and Tyler only.
He always thought of it as a ritual. It felt nice to give himself the pleasure every once and awhile. He would put music in his ears, a man’s voice always did more than a woman’s.
That was just how it always went, up until he realized that there’s more to it than pleasure. There’s kinks in the muscle, there’s knots in the rope. There’s blood and there’s rope and there’s other people who can use you in ways you never really wanted.
That’s why he hadn’t touched himself for someone else since he was 16.
The world felt like it was collapsing all at once, it kind of always had that vibe. Tyler had learned that nothing he did, nothing he tried to do anyways, would get rid of the walls closing in.
I didn’t mean it.
He didn’t. He would never do this. It was an accident! He was on his period, and just got unreasonably turned on! He was overthinking it. It was fine!
That’s probably why you’re crying in the bathroom isn’t it.
That’s probably why you’re bleeding from the inside out.
That’s why you’ve got your hands wrapped with bandages.
Because it’s “fine.”
He opened a few drawers, found a few bottles. He uncapped the lid of one, blue tablets falling into his hands. He added two more. The pain was too much. He swallowed them dry, nothing to soothe the scratching down his throat. He swore he was getting better, why does it always get worse when you think it is?
He heard knocking on his door. He was delusional. The pills made him delusional.He sat in his bed and stared at the wall instead of at his reflection with dark under eyes and sweaty, greasy hair that should have been shaved off about an hour ago because of his promise to a fresh start. Every time he cut, his hair would get cut too. That’s how it went, that’s how it had been since he was 14.
He was thinking too much about it. He wanted to do it again. He needed pain pain pain, he needed something. He grabbed his vibrator for the second time that night.
Idiot.
He heard knocking on his door again. No he didn’t. Yes he did. It was clear too. Clear 1, 2, 3 knocking. Tyler didn’t have the strength to see Mark’s pissed off attitude. He just wanted to get this over with.
He put his hands under his underwear, cold touches making him exhale. He ignored the sounds from downstairs. No one could come into his house now anyways, no one would want to. He kept thinking of someone else’s hands.
The door had completely come down, and Tyler had no idea someone was in the house. Someone had been strong enough to demolish the door, and to find Tyler’s bedroom. Someone had broken in.
He crept through the house carefully, being careful not to knock anything loud over. He crept up the stairs, wincing at every creak. A purple light shone on the steps below him, fading into an anxious red.
He heard something through the door.
“No, no I… fuck. Feels so right.” Soft whisperes with a softer buzz hidden beneath the words. What was this?
He tilted his head out of curiosity, and put his ear to the door.
“Please… please I want it- please J…”
He wanted to burst through the door, to see what was going on. And unfortunately he did just that, curiosity getting the best of him.
“Fucking hell!” Tyler screamed when his door opened, the vibrator hitting the floor. His pants were on the floor as well, underwear around his knees. He frantically tried to fix this, but there was no undoing this. He looked up, only to see…
“Josh? What the hell are you doing here??” Tyler asked, covering himself with a blanket yet trying to talk to his buddy, cuz Josh didn’t know anything, right? Josh did nothing but tilt his head, watching the vibrator spin around on the floor.
“Josh, um… do me a favor and leave for just one second,” Tyler said, but Josh only stared. His face was a paler green, and he was covered in mud. There seemed to be a few scratches on him too, as if he had fallen down a hill.
“What… happened? How did you get here?” Tyler asked, but Josh didn’t answer with a chirp like normal. What he did do on the other hand, was walk towards Tyler with curious eyes.
“Woah there, what are you doing?” Tyler asked. Josh pounced softly onto Tyler, making him gasp lightly.
“O-oh! Josh, what the heck?” Tyler asked. Josh’s hands were warm against his shirt, warming his chest with ease. Josh’s hands were purple, slowly fading towards a blush red. Josh tilted his head, and hummed softly, looking down at Tyler. He made another chirp, pawing at Tyler’s shirt once more. Tyler was… confused.
“What are you saying, man?” Tyler asked, even though he had his ideas. When josh pawed at his shirt again, looking at the space covered by a blanket, and back to Tyler’s eyes with a needy groan, Tyler understood a little more. Purple-red palms.
“You… wanna know what I was doing?” Tyler asked. Josh nodded firmly, and Tyler knew he was right.
“Josh, I- I can’t just… tell you,” Tyler said, his face growing red like Josh’s warm palms. Josh whined, and stared towards Tyler again. His big eyes were so… demanding. So curious.
“I…”
He won’t know what I mean, anyway. This doesn’t have to become any more of a problem. I can tell him, he’ll get it and move on.
“I was um… touching myself? I guess?” Tyler said, his voice high with slight embarrassment. Josh’s eyes widened to a less demanding stare. He tilted his head, looked at the vibrator, (which had turned off automatically by now) and back at Tyler. He let out a hum of confusion, and went to pick up the toy. Tyler was about to yell to stop, considering that one time that that exact toy ended up in Josh’s mouth, but all Josh did was study it curiously.
“Yeah, yeah with… that.” Josh nodded slowly, like he was starting to understand. He looked at the vibrator once more, before spotting the buttons on the side. Curious, he clicked one.
“Josh don’t-“ Tyler yelped, but it was already back to its rapid vibration state. Josh’s eyes lit up, and his whole body seemed to light up too. The purple faded quickly to a calm lavender blue, and Tyler was astounded.
“…Josh?” He said quietly. Josh just held it in his hands, seeming to enjoy the feeling.
This is bizarre. Is he… pleasuring himself? Pleasuring his…hands?
Josh shuddered suddenly, dropping the toy onto the bed so Tyler could pick it up and turn it off.
“Feels interesting, doesn’t it?” Tyler asked. Just testing the waters. Josh nodded, bewildered. He still looked slightly confused. He looked to where the blanket was covering Tyler. Josh made a soft cooing noise, and Tyler knew what he was about to have to explain.
Why do I do it? Why there? Why with a toy?
“Well, it… there’s this thing…” Tyler started explaining, the words not exactly working. Josh was more curious with Tyler’s awkward beginning. He pointed back to the blanket, then to the vibrator, then to Tyler.
Do you really wanna know? I don’t know if I wanna tell you this.
Josh made a low whine, making Tyler jump out of his thoughts.
“It- I don’t know.” Tyler stared at the floor. “It just feels nice. There’s like… sensitive spots. On humans. And it can… feel good to touch it, sometimes.” Josh nodded once, twice, then looked back to Tyler’s eyes, noticing quickly his face was red. Josh, not understanding that red meant something different for him than it did for Tyler, backed away quickly, a whimper coming from his chest.
“Hey hey, no… you didn’t…” Tyler started, about to get up but remembering his situation. Josh stood away from him like a kid who wet his pants in the middle of the night, and Tyler couldn’t help but feel a little bad.
“Josh… I know red means something bad for you… but it… it isn’t for me. I swear,” Tyler said, not knowing how he could explain without explaining. Josh seemed to understand a little more. He moved closer to Tyler, and he hummed. Soft and gentle, still with a curious undertone.
“It’s okay buddy. It’s alright.”
Josh smiled small, and decided to sit on the bed with Tyler. Tyler didn’t expect a weight on his right side, so he made an “oof” sound when Josh sat down.
“You’re a big guy, aren’t you…” Tyler said. Josh smiled, and pointed at Tyler’s lap again. The blanket still hid him away.
“…Josh, what are you saying? I don’t understand you,” Tyler said softly, running his finger along Josh’s arm. Josh whined, reaching for the vibrator hidden behind Tyler’s back.
“Wh…” Tyler was speechless when Josh took it from behind him, turning it on again. He held it in his hands once more, just letting the vibrations go through him. Tyler noticed the same change in his palms, the color almost identical to the silicone. Josh looked at Tyler with what might have been the most curious eyes he’d ever seen, asking a question that Tyler didn’t know how to answer.
It doesn’t work on your hands, silly. What are you trying to say?
Josh huffed, and examined the object in his hands. He cooed softly, and Tyler blinked once, twice, three times.
“You wanna… try it, don’t you…” Tyler spoke carefully. Josh nodded slowly, and looked back to Tyler’s lap.
It’s not… innapropriate to teach him. This is a learning moment. It’s fine, it’s fine… I won’t get in trouble for this, will I?
“Okay,” Tyler sighed eventually. Josh’s face lit up to an interested grin, and that must have meant he was doing something right?
“Do you want me to just… show you?” Tyler asked. Josh shook his head, pointed at the vibrator, pointed at himself.
“Of course you do.”
I’m only letting you try because I am not against sexual experimentation. I’m only letting you ask questions because no one let me when I was younger.