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She is making coffee when the doorbell rings and both Nicholas and her know without checking who it is.
“Mama!” He exclaims, hastily getting up from where he was playing with figurines on the living room floor.
“Hi, my darling.” Rio says after he opens the door and Agatha knows that she is twirling him around like she always does. “I missed you, Nicky. Are you ready to leave?”
“Almost,” he says and Agatha hears him coming back into the living room. “Mommy,” he calls out for her. Agatha breathes in before putting her coffee down and walking towards him.
“What?”
“Can you pack my toys, please? I still need to get Señor Scratchy.”
Rio is watching them from the entryway, Agatha can feel it as she kneels down next to him. “Of course, go!”
Before, Rio would’ve helped her. Now she stays where she is. It’s like neither of them know how to behave around each other anymore.
Agatha knows that Nicholas must notice it, too. She doesn’t miss the way his eyes flicker between them when he comes back into the room. It’s more and more frequent now that he gets out of bed again in the evening and insists on sleeping with her.
Rio and him are gone quickly after and like every single week, Agatha doesn’t know what to do with herself as soon as the house is empty.
Fridays are simply difficult now. They used to be Agatha’s favourite day of the week. They used to be perfect. Rio never used to work on Fridays and Agatha got home from the office earlier than she does the rest of the week, too. She would go pick up Nicholas from kindergarten and they would come home to Rio setting the table and finishing up lunch. They would take the afternoon to spend time as a family and start the weekend, mostly with the park and ice cream for all of them during the summer.
It’s hard to reconcile that Fridays had always been so perfect and how difficult they are now.
And even though that’s not saying much since most days are difficult now, Fridays remain the hardest.
Nicholas and her come home to an empty house after she picks him up and there is no one else that puts him to bed or waiting for her downstairs in the living room when she does. There is no one else doing bath time with her, no one else making dinner, no one else to listen to Nicky’s stories from school.
Her time is now measured in Fridays. One week, she says goodbye to him in the morning and knows he won’t come home in the afternoon, and the next she waits the whole day until it’s time to go pick him up from school.
The time in between having him home with her nearly blurs together. She barely does anything. With no one around to tend to, no one around to laugh with, no one but her, it all feels wrong.
Not only does the house feel different because Rio is missing, emptiness in all the places she used to be, but with Nicky not being there either half the time, it feels like a way oversized piece of closing those weeks. Like she couldn’t ever even try to fill it out somehow. Agatha is all by herself and she hates it.
Rio stops coming inside at some point. She used to just step inside to say bye to Nicky and hi to her and now, sometimes, when she drops him off instead of Agatha picking him up, she waits outside in the car now until the closes behind the boy and then drives away. Nicholas is always quick to take off his shoes and then run upstairs to unpack all of stuffed animals he insists on bringing every week. Agatha isn’t sure what game it is they are playing or what the rules are but she doesn’t want to lose. She is glad that no one sees her leaning back against the front door and holding her breath until she can hear Rio’s car start to drive.
It’s Friday. Nicholas has been talking about spending time with Rio again all week and Agatha doesn’t want to admit nor show it but it’s been difficult to listen to. He has told her every day without fail what they will do on their weekend together and that Rio had promised him that they will get dinner at his favourite restaurant after his first class test on Tuesday. The amount of effort it took to nod and smile and say how nice that is and how much fun they will have is honestly laughable.
It’s not even that she is jealous, Rio and Nicholas are allowed to have fun together and eat pizza whenever they want but it’s still difficult to hear all about their plans when Agatha knows how eerily quiet her life will be until next Friday. She had dropped him off at school this morning and then driven to work and could barely focus on her tasks.
Rio calls her during her lunch break the week after. She doesn’t do that anymore, not just because. They had tried to do that in the beginning, stay in regular contact but it hadn’t worked out for long. No matter how much they had talked about just doing things the same way they had before, for Nicky’s sake, it hadn’t been possible. Everything had changed and it was simply too fundamentally different for either of them to pretend that it wasn’t. They both silently agreed to not involve Nicholas in any of what is going on between them but he is old enough to notice these things, too. That it’s more than what they had told him would happen.
They had explained to him together that they wouldn’t all live in this house anymore, that Mama would move out and that sometimes things have to change for people to be happy again. And at the same time, they had assured him that they were still his Moms and that that would never change, that it had nothing to do with him, that this didn’t mean they didn’t like each other anymore.
And still, with all the effort Agatha had put in, it still changed. Dropping Nicky off became more and more awkward and they had less and less to say to each other if it wasn’t about him. At some point, she had no idea anymore what was appropriate to and what topics should not be brought to your ex-spouse. It was a fine line. It started to feel like she couldn’t tell Rio about little things anymore, not about the new recipe she had found, not about the cashier at the supermarket asking why Rio hadn’t been there in a while, and not about the two cups of coffee she still made from time to time even though it was just her.
Then, it turned into bigger things. Agatha would stop herself from mentioning the constant work on the house down the street because Rio didn’t even know that the owners had sold it.
It’s like she forgot how to have a conversation with her somehow.
“Hi,” Rio starts after she picks up. “Can you come by and get Nicky today? We’re making lunch right now but Wanda just called me and asked if she could borrow my car to transport furniture and I don’t know when she will return it.”
“Yeah that’s fine. I’ll be there,” she looks up to the clock, “at about 4pm? If that works?”
“Thanks.” Rio responds. “See you then.”
Nicholas isn’t ready when she gets there, wrapped up in playing as she rings the doorbell.
Rio looks different in the dim lighting. “I’ll go get him.” She tells her as she opens the door, turns around again right away and Agatha doesn’t follow her at first until Rio looks back at her and tells her to.
The walls are a weird dull white and there is barely any decoration anywhere. No fresh flowers on the side table despite how much Rio always loved them. No pictures as far as she can see. Agatha only had seen the place a couple times until now, mostly when Rio picked it out and then moved into the apartment but it does strike her as strange that so little has changed about it since then.
Nicky’s room is at the end of the hallway and it looks nothing like the rest of the flat. His bed is full of stuffed animals, walls covered in blue paint and countless drawings of his. Agatha leans against the doorframe and watches Nicky put all his workbooks into his backpack so that they can leave. Rio helps him and for a moment, Agatha just watches them.
He runs up to her after, wraps his arms around her as tightly as he can. Rio is the one to watch them now.
Rio calls her at 11pm, a few hours after she dropped him off at her apartment, and Agatha’s first thought is that something is wrong with Nicholas. In hindsight, he had been a little warm this morning and he had mentioned his throat hurting last night. She looks at the familiar picture of Rio on her screen as her phone rings and her thoughts go anywhere from Rio accidentally calling her and Nicky being in the hospital. It’s neither of these things.
Rio can barely say hello when Agatha finally presses the answer button.
“Is Nicky okay?”
“What?”
“Is something wrong?”
“With Nicky?” Rio asks, “Of course not. He’s good.”
Agatha lets out a sigh of relief, “Thank god. Sorry, I was just worried because it’s so late.”
“He’s fine, sorry.” Rio responds. “He already told me about his throat hurting when he coughs but it’s all good. He said you already knew he was a little sick but he’s asleep now and said he’s feeling better when I asked him before bed earlier.”
“Okay. Did you give him anything?”
“Wasn’t necessary,” she says and Agatha can hear the grin in her voice. “We did have a bunch of cherry ice cream though, so that’s probably a big part of why he is doing better.”
“Right.” Agatha says. Nicholas had always been exceptionally great at getting Rio to give him all sorts of treats whenever he even felt the tiniest bit ill. “I’m glad. Why did you call then?”
“Yeah, right.” Rio pauses. “Don’t get mad.”
“Why would I get- Just tell me.” Agatha presses her lips together.
“I was planning to take Nicholas to the city in the morning, you know, for the weekend.”
It’s not a question, Agatha realises. She knows Rio, knows how she goes about planning things like this. Rio probably already booked the hotel and looked up things to do for them while they are there. It’s how she used to do it when it was still the three of them and when they used to take these little trips before Nicholas started school last year.
“Okay?”
“It means we wouldn’t be there on Sunday. Is that fine with you?”
Agatha actively has to remind herself to breathe. She doesn’t really want to argue with Rio but can’t quite keep out the emotion of her voice either when she responds.
“We agreed that it’s important for him to have consistent times with the both of us,” she says. “You are the one who came up with spending an afternoon together on the weekend and eating dinner as a family. You kept saying how good that will be for him. And I agreed. That’s why we’re doing this every week.”
“You said you wouldn’t get mad,” Rio sighs. “It’s one time. We have been doing this for months. It doesn’t matter if we miss one weekend.”
Agatha doesn’t even know what makes her more mad, the fact that Rio wants to cancel their weekly dinner with Nicholas or that she had assumed it would make her mad. She comes pretty close to saying that it’s not about that and can stop herself just in time. Because it is about him. It’s all about Nicholas and what’s important for him. They wouldn’t still do this if not for their son.
“Did you tell him already?” She asks instead.
Rio sighs again, “Yes.”
“Well, then. I am supposed to tell him he can’t go on a trip with you because of our weekend tradition? I’m sure he’ll love that. Doesn’t make seem like the bad guy at all.”
“It wasn’t on purpose.” Rio says. “The hotel called me back this afternoon to get a confirmation and he overheard it. I wanted to tell you beforehand, obviously. But it was very spontaneous and Nicky asked me about it before I could talk to you. I wasn’t going to lie to him.”
“Of course, you weren’t.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
Agatha sighs, “Nothing. Have a good time then.”
Rio sounds hesitant, “So, you’re okay with it?”
“What do you want me to say, Rio? Honestly. You always do your thing and then let me know when it’s set in stone.”
“Nothing is set in stone,” Rio responds, “I don’t want to fight with you about this. I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you earlier. I came up with it last night since he keeps talking about seeing the Brooklyn Bridge and forgot about our dinner. I’ll cancel if you want me to.”
Agatha didn’t expect that and it takes her a moment to adjust, to go from starting an argument and being . “I don’t want to fight with you either,” she tells her. “I know you would’ve told me otherwise.” She closes her eyes and breathes in. “I am sorry, too. Just have a good time with him and send me a picture of him on that bridge, okay? We can do dinner again next week.”
“I will,” Rio says and for a moment it feels like there is something else, too, but she just stays quiet for a few seconds. “Thank you,” she whispers eventually. Good night.”
And then she hangs up before Agatha can respond.
She barely gets out of bed during the weekend. Nicholas must have given her whatever he had because her throat hurts too now and she has nothing to do but to lie down and only switch to the sofa around noon after she made lunch. She orders cherry ice cream.
Agatha gets multiple pictures of Nicholas and Rio all throughout New York.
Him smiling on the Brooklyn Bridge, arms stretched out widely and hair mussed by the wind. Him across the table in a restaurant, a huge pizza on the plate in front of him. Him on the subway, leaning back in his seat and in a Knicks jersey that’s at least four sizes too big. He is wearing the same jersey in another picture of him at the zoo in Central Park, and it’s so large that it goes down to his knees.
The last picture is of Nicholas and Rio on top of the Empire State Building, huge smiles on both of their faces, with the city in the background. Both of them are wearing NBA caps and Agatha does nothing but look at that picture until she falls asleep.
When she wakes up the next morning, the picture is still open when she unlocks her phone, closely zoomed in on Rio and Agatha ignores it.
Nicky spends the entire next Fridays afternoon telling her every little detail about his trip with Rio. Agatha knows most of it already, either from what Rio had messaged her about or what Nicholas had talked about when she had called Sunday night after they made it back home. It doesn’t matter though. He talks about their hotel room and the food they ate and just how busy the streets are.
“There were people everywhere,” he tells as they are walking up the stairs after dinner. “Just all around!”
“I know,” she says, “it’s crazy. Big cities are just always packed though.”
“Have you been to New York?”
“I have, baby. With Mama before you were born and then with both of you. When you were younger. You were so small that you probably don’t remember.”
“I wish I did.” Nicholas says. “What did we do?”
“Well, you had just started walking and we spent an entire day in Central Park watching you stumble around. It was the best.”
“And then?” He asks, clearly interested and it stings just a little bit to talk about things that feel so distant to who they are now.
“Mama insisted that you had to try pizza since it was your first time in New York and you loved it. It was so cute. I loved showing you our favourite places there. I can show you pictures in the morning if you want.”
He nods excitedly. “Yes, please.”
“All right, Nicky.” Agatha says and she smiles and at the same time, she is already slightly dreading it. She remembers every picture in that picture book they made together after their trip and it always seems to hurt now to see any evidence of just how in love they used to be. “Come on now, get in. It’s getting late.”
“I took a bath at the hotel too and there were so so many bubbles.” He says as soon as he gets into the water.
“Yeah? That’s exciting,” she says, admittedly more focused on washing his hair than listening to him talk about bathing.
“I know, right? Mama poured so much soap into the water that the bubbles got bigger than me!” He exclaims. “There were like a million of them. At least!”
“So many?” Agatha asks and grins at him, “you’re going to have to show me how to do that. I would love a million bubbles.”
Nicholas shrugs as she washes out the shampoo in his hair. “I don’t know how. You have to ask Mama.”
Agatha only swallows. “All right, baby. You’re all done. Careful when you get up.”
He doesn’t bring it up again after that and she isn’t sure if it’s because he senses how quiet she gets when he mentions Rio these days or because he is focused on other things but Agatha doesn’t know how to feel about it.
She blowdries his hair at Nicky’s request and makes cheese toasties for the both of them afterwards. They eat on the sofa, an exception she makes because he wants to cuddle and it all goes smoothly until she tucks him in.
“Where is Señor Scratchy?” He asks, already half asleep and patting his pillow.
“I don’t know, Nicky.” Agatha says and then goes on to look everywhere from under the blanket to under his bed and the overnight bag Rio had dropped off with him earlier.
“Did you find him?” He asks, sitting up in bed again and looking around the room.
“No. Did you put him anywhere else?”
“I don’t think so,” Nicholas responds and the furrows his brows for a moment. “Oh, I know! I left him at Mama’s. We were playing hide and seek with him.”
“Okay,” Agatha sighs and gets up from her where she was kneeling on the floor. “Good job remembering, baby. Ready to go to sleep now?”
Nicholas shakes his head and his mouth contorts into a smile for a moment, “I need Señor Scratchy. I can’t go to sleep without him.”
“He’s probably asleep already, Nicky. I’ll text Mom in the morning and she can bring him over on Sunday, all right.”
“No, no.” He says and his bottom lip wobbles. “I want him now.”
“I’m sorry that you forgot him. But you’re tired and it’s time to sleep, baby. Do you want me to read you a story?”
He shakes his head, “I want my stuffy,” he says. “I can’t sleep if he isn’t here.” He pauses for a moment and sniffles. “Can we go get him?”
“Can you not just go to bed and I’ll pick him up first thing in the morning? It will be so quick, I promise.”
Nicholas shakes his head again and there are tears in his eyes and Agatha gives in.
She puts him in the car and drives to Rio’s. Nicky isn’t exactly a great sleeper anyway and the one thing she wants less than to show up at Rio’s door at almost 9pm on a Friday is for Nicky to be awake the whole night. He falls asleep as soon as they start driving and for a second Agatha considers just turning around and carrying him back upstairs but she doesn’t.
Either Rio is not surprised to see her at all or she hides it surprisingly well.
“Hi,” she says, clearly in the middle of cooking dinner considering the towel thrown over her shoulder and the apparent smell of homemade empanadas, usually only made when Rio was going through something.
“No,” Agatha responds, slightly shifting Nicholas in her arms while he is still asleep on her shoulder before turning to Rio again. “Nicky said he forgot Señor Scratchy at your place and won’t go to sleep without him.”
“Oh,” Rio says, the soft smile gone in an instant and Agatha wonders what Rio thinks was going on here. “Right, come in. I’ll just go get him.”
She turns around immediately and makes her way to Nicky’s room but Agatha stays where she is. The hallways light is flickering above them and Nicholas is burying his face deeper into her neck. Rio is back pretty quickly, looks almost surprised that Agatha is still standing outside instead of in the living room.
“Don’t you want to come in?” She asks. “I made empanadas.”
“I can’t.” Agatha says, nodding to Nicky in her arms. “Just wanted to come get his stuffy but obviously didn’t want to leave him in the car downstairs.”
“Of course,” Rio whispers and holds out the stuffed animal for Agatha to take it. “Let me take Nicky, I’ll carry him downstairs.”
Agatha shakes her head. “You don’t need to do that. It’s fine. Sorry for coming here so late.”
“Don’t be silly,” Rio whispers and reaches out to Nicholas before pulling the door closed behind her. “Lead the way.”
Agatha is anxious for a moment that he’ll wake up as Rio takes him, settling against her shoulder but he doesn’t. Simply continues sleeping and is barely awake enough to wrap his arms around her neck. Mumbles something into her neck that she can’t make out.
Agatha is holding his stuffed animal and thankfully transferring him into his car seat when they make it downstairs goes as well as it could have.
“Thanks,” Agatha repeats, “I don’t think he would’ve fallen asleep otherwise. Even though he is so exhausted.”
“No problem at all.” Rio says, “I’ll make sure it’s in his bag next time.”
It’s quiet for a few seconds and Rio simply looks at her.
Agatha almost asks her what is going on but then Rio gently shakes her head and steps back, taking one last look at Nicky. “Good night,” she says.
“Good night,” Agatha responds, unsure if Rio even hears her with how quietly she is speaking. Rio disappears back into the apartment complex and it’s only Nicholas and her again.
“Why are we doing this?” Nicholas asks from the other end of the kitchen.
“What?” Agatha asks, stirring the tomato sauce. “Because you wanted spaghetti, baby.”
“No,” Nicky mumbles, “why are we doing this every week?”
Agatha closes her eyes for a second and dries off her hands before turning around to him. “Can you explain what ‘this’ means?”
“Mama coming over when I am here or both of us going here when I am with her. Why are we always eating together on Sunday?”
“Oh,” Agatha nods, “now I understand. Thank you for explaining.” She pauses for a moment. “We have dinner together every week because that’s what families do. It’s important.”
“But families live together.” Nicky argues.
“Not always, baby. We’ve talked about this.”
She can sense that Nicholas is getting frustrated and it’s not that Agatha doesn’t want to help him deal with his emotions and learn to handle them but the pasta will be ready any minute and Rio is setting the table and she doesn’t think she can do this right now.
“Well, I don’t get it,” he says, his voice getting louder. “You always say that families love each other and Mama loves you so I don’t get why we don’t all live together.”
“Did Mama tell you that?” Agatha asks, trying and failing to keep the emotion out of her voice.
“What?”
“That she loves me.”
“No.”
“Then what makes you say that?” She asks, leaning back against the counter and watches him.
“You told me that you still love each other,” he explains and she has to give him that. She had told Nicholas that her and Rio were always going to love each other to ensure him that they are still who they were before and she hadn’t felt like explaining the difference between loving and being in love with someone.
“Come here,” Agatha whispers and he immediately does. Nicholas leans into her and wraps his arms around her waist. “Do you remember how I told you that you can love different people in different ways?”
He nods against her stomach.
“Well,” she starts and thinks about how exactly to phrase this. “Sometimes you love someone so much that you want to spend your life with them.”
“Kissing,” Nicholas mumbles against her jumper.
“You’re right.” Agatha says. “When you love a person like this you want to kiss them. And sometimes you also want to have a baby with them.”
“Like you and Mama.”
“Yes,” she nods. “Like Mama and I. But sometimes loving someone isn’t enough to actually spend your entire life with them.”
“And then?” He asks, looking up at her, his hands gripping her sweater now.
“Then you have to decide how to deal with that. And Mama and I agreed that our love for you and our family has nothing to do with our love for each other. Sometimes love between parents can change, you know?”
“Yeah,” he mumbles.
“But that has nothing to do with the fact that we are still a family and love each other. It’s just different than before. That’s why we want to have dinner together every Sunday and spend the afternoon together.”
“I like that,” Nicholas says and hugs her closer again.
She strokes his hair gently, “Me too, baby. Do you want to go tell Mama we’re almost done?”
He quickly nods and Agatha only looks up when he pulls away from her. Rio is standing right there in the doorway and Nicky almost knocks into her with how fast he was running to the dining room.
“Mama!” He exclaims and is so quick to hug her as well that Agatha is the only one that notices Rio wiping at her eyes.
Agatha turns around immediately. Because she needs to strain the pasta. Because the sauce will burn otherwise. She doesn’t look at Rio again until their food is on the table and they have all sat down.
Agatha is not usually alone with Rio anymore. They only see each other because of Nicholas and anything they have to discuss without Nicky being there, they do over the phone.
Rio was the one to tuck Nicholas in tonight after he had asked her to do it and Agatha hadn’t missed the flash of something on her face as she had carried him up the stairs.
She is cleaning up and doing the dishes when Rio makes it back downstairs.
“He is asleep now,” she tells her, “basically asked me the same things again as you two talked about earlier.”
“Yeah?” Agatha asks, “do you think he understands?”
“I do,” Rio nods, grabbing a towel and starting to dry the dishes. “You explained it really well earlier.”
“Thank you,” she mumbles. “I just don’t want him to think that there will be any more changes, you know?” She can’t keep the shake out of her voice anymore, can’t help the tears burning in her eyes either.
“Hey,” Rio mumbles and comes closer to touch her shoulder. “I think we’re doing okay, don’t you?”
“I guess,” Agatha sniffles slightly and leans into Rio’s touch. “I would just really hate for Nicky to think that this has anything to do with him.”
“I don’t think that that’s the case at all, Agatha. Has he ever said anything like that to you? He hasn’t told me anything.”
“No, he hasn’t.”
“See? It’s all okay. You know what he just told me upstairs?”
“What?” Agatha asks, meeting her eyes.
“That one of the girls in his class told him that her parents always argue and that they hate each other. He said that he is really glad that we aren’t like that.”
“Really?” She asks, wiping at her eyes and Rio nods, a smile on her lips.
“Yeah. And you don’t hate me, right?”
Agatha shakes her head, “No. Obviously not.”
Rio comes even closer, her hand wam against Agatha’s shoulder. “I don’t hate you either. And Nicky knows that. I know it’s hard when he has questions about these things but he is so glad that we love each other and that we are still a family. And I think that means we’re doing well enough, okay?”
She slightly nods and that seems to be all it takes for Rio to wrap her arms around her fully, like Nicholas did earlier, and finally hold her this close again.
It takes Agatha as second to adjust to it but then she is able to relax into Rio’s arms and hug her back.
They are standing in the middle of what used to be their kitchen, with their son asleep upstairs, and everything that used to belong to both of them spread throughout this house and for some reason Agatha didn’t think she would ever get this again after everything that happened.
It shouldn’t be as difficult as it turns out to be to pull back from Rio anymore.
She should be so far removed now that hugging Rio is like hugging anyone else and it just isn’t.
Agatha can’t decide if this where it all goes terribly and awfully wrong or if this is the best way it could end. If this will destroy everything they have built together or if this is their truest form. Always and forever running towards each other.
And then, Rio’s hand slides up her back, pressing in between her shoulder blades while she is also pulling back from her. Her hand stays where it is and Agatha has no idea what to do with any of this.
“I missed you,” she whispers. “Truly.”
Agatha freezes and Rio must notice because she pulls back entirely and is quick to apologise.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that, sorry.”
She wants to shake her head and tell her it’s fine or maybe pull her closer again or yell at her or never let her leave. Agatha doesn’t do anything of it. She simply stands there, hands at her sides and watches Rio leave the kitchen as quickly as possible.
She turns around again as she gets to the front door, jacket barely put on and apologises again. “Bye, Agatha.”
The house is all dark again.
It’s different again after that.
Their love for each other changes. The same way she had explained to Nicholas the week prior. Agatha can’t quite figure out what exactly it is that changes though, can’t decide if it’s for the better or worse. It keeps her up at night.
“Do you think I could make pizza all by myself?”
“Why?” Agatha asks, looking at the groceries in front of her?”
“Because I want to learn.” He says. Agatha should’ve know something was up in that moment.
“To make pizza by yourself? Why?”
“Because I am big!” Is his only explanation.
“What do you think about frozen pizza?” She asks, trying to find a compromise where he won’t be able to cut off his fingers when preparing the toppings.
“Can I do that all on my own?”
“A little,” Agatha agrees, “but you know our kitchen rules. No using the oven without me baby. But you can do the rest. Is that good?”
It appears he doesn’t seem to realise that there isn’t much else to do when preparing frozen pizza.
“Yes!” Nicholas exclaims. “Thanks, Mommy! I’ll go pick out one of them right now.”
He seems to have forgotten all about it by the time the next Sunday comes around even though he had told her how excited he was to make pizza for them.
Agatha isn’t exactly mad at that. It stresses her out anyway, Rio in her house and in her kitchen and spending an entire afternoon with her.
Nicky also told her in between other things, that Rio had said she was going to cook and those always used to be her favourite kind of days.
“Can you give me the bowl of peas, Nicky?”
“Sure,” he responds and gets on his toes to reach the bowl on the counter to hold it out to her. “How much longer does it take, Mama? Tengo hambre.”
“En poco tiempo, mijo. Did you set the table with Mommy already?”
“I did,” he says, leaning into her. “Can it be ready now?”
“Just a minute, baby. Why don’t you go check if your apple juice is on the table already, yeah?”
“Fine.” He groans and Agatha can hear him start running towards her from where she was listening to their conversation and quickly busies herself with arranging their plates again.
“Do we have my juice?” He asks and Agatha nods.
“We do, we’re all ready. Did Mama say if the food is done?”
“She said a few minutes,” he says and comes up to her to wrap his arms around her. “But I am so hungry right now!”
“I’m sure she knows that and she is going as quickly as she can, Nicky. But cooking food takes time.”
He groans into her skin and quickly climbs into her lap when she sits down. “Can you hold me?”
“Of course, love.” She says and strokes his back while he is snuggling up against her chest. “Is everything okay?”
He nods into her jumper, “Yeah. I’m just glad that we’re all here, Mommy.”
“What do you mean?” She asks and clears her throat.
“You and Mama.” He mumbles. “I miss her when she isn’t here. And I miss you when I am with her.”
Agatha doesn’t say anything else, just keeps stroking his hair and up and down his back and waits for him to continue.
“I like it when we are all home,” Nicholas says, pressing his head closer to her chest. “I love Sundays.”
She doesn’t even know what to respond to that, is only saved by Rio coming in after a few seconds, carrying the pot of arroz con gandules she has been making.
Nicholas seems to have forgotten what they were talking about the next moment because he is jumping up from her lap and quickly gets into his own seat. “Can I get my food first, please?” He asks and Rio nods.
“Sure, give me your plate.”
Agatha shifts in her seat and watches them, doesn’t miss the way Rio meets her eyes as she takes her plate as well.
“Thank you,” she says. “It looks really good, right Nicky?”
Nicholas is beyond exhausted in her arms and Agatha is honestly trying to hold it together.
“No,” he mumbles and softly shakes his head against her neck. “I want Mama.”
“You’re tired,” she says. “Come on, baby. Let me just get you into bed, please.”
“No,” he repeats, whining now and wriggling in her arms. “Mama promised she’d tuck me in. I don’t want you to do it.”
Rationally, Agatha knows that he doesn’t mean it in a bad way. It doesn’t have anything to do with her. She had overheard Rio and him talking about it earlier, how Rio had promised to read to him tonight and cuddle with him until he falls asleep. But still, it hurts.
He is twisting and pushing himself off of Agatha.
“Mama?” He asks, making his way into the other room way too quickly for how tired he is.
“¿Sí, amorcito?”
“Can you carry me upstairs and tuck me in?” He asks, his voice almost tentative now and laced with sleep.
“Sure, baby.” She says and Agatha hears them come back into the living room after.
Nicholas is resting on Rio’s shoulder as they make their way towards his bedroom.
“Are you okay?” Rio whispers, stopping to look at her, fingers softly brushing through Nicky’s hair.
“It’s fine,” she says and turns away. “I’ll just go clean up.”
“What was going on earlier?” Rio’s voice is soft as she enters the room again.
Agatha pours wine into a glass. “He just wanted you tonight. It’s fine. I get it.”
“What do you mean you get it?”
“He doesn’t get you here often anymore. I’m sure he misses the routine you two always had and that it’s different at, you know,” she pauses, “at your place. At least that’s what he said, I don’t really know. He was tired and honestly, I am exhausted. Was he okay?”
“He was,” Rio says as Agatha takes a sip of her wine. “I got two sentences into the next chapter and he was out like a light.”
Nothing else is said for a minute. Agatha takes more sips of the wine they bought together on vacation last year, when everything was still different. She doesn’t look anywhere.
“What do you mean, that’s what he said? What did he tell you?”
Agatha tips her head back for a split second, presses her lips together. Swirls the liquid around in her glass.
“He said that he misses us being together basically.” She says. “And he mentioned things like that before and I guess that was to be expected but he’s never been this blunt about it. Has he said anything like that to you?” Agatha asks and looks at Rio again.
“Kind of,” Rio shrugs. “Mostly that he misses you when I am tucking him in at night. That he wishes you were there.” There are tears apparent in her eyes for a second before she wipes them away. “I never really know what to say.”
“Me neither.”
Nicky had been brimming with energy since Rio had picked him up from school that day, as she tells Agatha later.
He had made the rule that neither of them were allowed in the kitchen, only momentarily paused when Agatha got the pizza out of the oven since she refused to let him do that. It’s kind of endearing, Nicholas in his little apron, very carefully cutting up the pizza.
He gives both of them apple juice after making them sit down at the dining table.
“Why are there only two plates, baby? What about you.”
“I’m not hungry,” he responds. “I just want to play upstairs. You two can eat!”
He places a slice of pizza on each of their plates, and nods contently. “Bon Appétit.” He says, grinning. “Enjoy.”
Agatha gets up as soon as he has made it upstairs to get wine.
“Do you want one, too?” It’s more about being polite than anything else. Agatha doesn’t want to not offer her a drink.
Rio shakes her head. “Thanks.”
She doesn’t ask again after that, simply waits for her to start talking.
“Did you know that he was planning this?” Agatha asks, cutting into her pizza, not even necessarily sure what this is supposed to be.”
Rio shakes her head again, “I had no idea.” She eats the first bite as well. “I think it’s rather sweet though."
“What it?”
“Basically making us go on a date.” Rio responds. “It’s very cute. Don’t you agree?”
Sweet isn’t the first word coming to mind at the thought of their son arranging a date for her and Rio. It isn’t cute either. She doesn’t know what to do with this.
She knew that tonight was going to be a little uncomfortable either way but Agatha wasn’t prepared for Nicholas to leave them alone or the way Rio is looking at her.
“We’re adults.” Rio says and places her hand on Agatha’s shoulder. “We’re the parents. But Nicky isn’t stupid. Quite the opposite actually.”
“I know he is.”
“Well,” Rio smiles. “He is your son.”
Agatha scoffs gently, “Stop.”
Rio’s smile only gets bigger.
“I don’t want him to have any expectations that aren’t going to get met. I don’t want it to be even worse for him. I think we agree on that, right?”
Agatha nods. “Of course we do.”
There is no point in trying to escape this anymore, she supposes. There was never any point.
She leans in closer than she has in what feels like forever and then she waits. Patiently.
And for a split second, before either of them move, every single possibility stretches out in front of her. Agatha shows her hand, and exposes her belly, and waits. She never used to expect anything in return. For a moment, there is nothing happening. Then, there is Rio.
It feels like someone had pressed pause for a bit and now everything is back in quick motion, hasty and blurry and technicolour. For a minute there, they are nothing more than physics.
Rio’s breath is warm and alive against her face, a gentle hand cradling the back of her head. Everything else fades into nothingness. Everything else disappears.
It might be the worst idea she has ever had, Agatha thinks right before it happens. Rio in their old kitchen, right in front of her, coming closer and closer.
Then, Rio kisses her. And Agatha doesn’t think about anything else. Her hand finds the counter behind her and she takes a second to make sure she puts down the wine glass, pushes it away from the edge.
Rio only comes closer, kisses her again and presses their bodies together. Agatha feels boneless under touch, only melts into her. She thinks she might be able to sink into her with how airy she feels.
There is a Rio-shaped hole in her stomach and there is a little too much going on to wonder about whether or not this will fill it up again and what will happen if Rio just leaves again and leaves this behind her.
Agatha doesn’t do anything about it at all. She has no excuse. She simply lets everything happen to her for a minute. She kisses Rio back after and it makes everything worse.
There is no objectiveness with Rio anymore. There is only the way she sees her, has, maybe, always seen her. She closes her eyes as Rio presses closer, both hands stabilising them against the kitchen cupboards and she has a vision of them years and years and years ago. Rio feels like she did back then more and more with every second that passes.
Rio engulfs her completely now, both hands on the side of Agatha’s face, fingers tangling in her hair. She can’t do anything but respond in the only way she still remembers how to.
They switch positions and Rio ends up leaning back against the countertop, breathless and eyes blown wide and spit-slick lips when Agatha finally pulls back. She looks at her the same way she used to, the way she did last week, the way she did earlier when came into the dining room. It breaks Agatha’s heart just the tiniest bit.
She closes her eyes again even though they aren’t kissing anymore. She almost can’t bear to meet Rio’s eyes. It’s eerily quiet. Rio’s hands are still on her, gently sliding down to the side of her neck now. Agatha wraps her arms around her now, holding onto her waist, doesn’t think she can handle any more distance between them right now.
Rio is nothing if not gentle, thumb stroking over her cheek before she kisses the same spot. She stays exactly where she is though, eyes carefully trailing over her face.
“I think I should get going.” She says and still, she doesn’t pull back, waits for Agatha to respond.
“Shouldn’t we,” Agatha whispers into the space between them, “I don’t know.” Her words escape her. “Talk about this?”
Rio only steps back then. “I don’t really want to do that right now. Can we not?”
Agatha removes her arms from Rio’s waist. Slightly turns so that she is next to Rio instead of in front on her anymore. Puts her hand back on the cold marble of the counter and is so overcome with emotion for a second that she thinks she might fall to the floor.
“That’s fine.” She says. “I get it.”
“Okay,” Rio responds. “I should really,” she motions to the entryway, “leave, I think.”
“Please stay.” It comes out a whisper, just barely loud enough for Rio to hear her.
“I mean it,” Rio says just as quietly, “I don’t want to dissect this tonight. And I know that you need clarity but I can’t give you that right now. I have to think about this on my own first.”
“Okay,” Agatha says. “We don’t have to. I just,” it’s almost hard to admit, “don’t want you to leave, please.”
She can see it on Rio’s face when she makes her decision to stay here.
Agatha is painfully aware that this could very well be a one time thing, that this might mean nothing in the morning, that she could realise that all of this has been a chain of awful decisions that ended up ruining what they worked so hard for.
“Okay,” Rio echoes, gently almost.
Nothing else happens. It nearly feels normal. Even though it’s the exact opposite of that considering how long it took to get to this point.
Rio is quiet as they both get into bed. There weren’t any discussions on where shows going to sleep. They had finished cleaning up in silence and Rio had drank the last of her wine and they had brushed their teeth side by side.
They haven’t been in this room together in months. It’s a weird combination of finally feeling just right again and like neither of them exist at all in here. It’s been happening for a while though. This mix of feelings, none of which she can properly name. It is an eternal dance, whatever it is. It’s why she is avoiding Rio and why she wants to be close to her at the same time and why she wants to never let her go again and why she wants to leave her own house in the middle of the night just to get away.
Rio whispers, “Good Night,” and then doesn’t say anything else.
Agatha simply lies there until she falls asleep.
The sting in her chest is back as she watches Nicholas and Rio make breakfast and she definitely doesn’t have time for that. It’s a school morning and they are still trying to get to a perfect routine in the morning since school started this summer. Still, she is leaning against the countertop again, can’t quite keep herself from imagining Rio as close to her again as she had been last night and watches them cut up a bunch of different fruits to put in their pancakes.
Nicky had not stopped smiling since he woke up this morning. Had come into her room at a time he is still normally asleep and simply squeezed in between Rio and her. Made both of them hold him and stroke his hair. Rio had been brushing her hand over his back every few seconds when she met her eyes. Agatha isn’t sure what she had expected. Regret, maybe. The embarrassment of having been caught, having to explain to Nicholas what was going on when they had been purposefully clear about boundaries in the beginning.
He had continued to block all attempts at a conversation about this throughout the morning and Agatha gave up eventually. Doesn’t quite feel like explaining anything anyway. Isn’t sure if she wants to ignore this stretching feeling in her chest any longer or if she even can anymore as she watches them together.
This hasn’t happened in months, Rio in this house in the morning, not to mention making pancakes with their son before school.
She is mixing blueberries into a third of the batter while the first pancake is in the pan and it might be the three hours of sleep Agatha got last night but she looks like magic somehow.
They are alone again after Rio drops Nicky off at school, both seemingly silently having agreed that they can’t not talk about this any longer.
Agatha is working from home this week anyway and she thinks Rio might have switched her free day from Friday to Monday recently but she also doesn’t want to ask.
“So, are you fine to talk now?” She asks, almost hesitantly, “because I really need to know what is happening.” Rio nods at that even as she is moving in closer on the sofa.
“Good,” Agatha nods. “That’s good. I’m glad, because-”
The rest of her sentence dies in her throat as Rio places her hands on the back of the sofa, on either side of her head, and moves to straddle her. “Me, too.” She whispers and it feels like this was always going to happen. Was always going to be how this ends.
Rio kisses her, gently, careful as if she might break under her touch and presses her back into the pillows.
It’s muscle memory the way Agatha’s hands slide up to her shoulder blades. It has to be. Because it doesn’t come close to any sort of conscious choice. Again, she feels like everything is simply happening to her.
Rio’s fingers find her face eventually, trailing along her jawline and then twisting in her curls as she pulls her closer.
Agatha can’t help the sigh that escapes her and Rio leaves her mouth and moves further down. Her lips explore skin that should still be familiar to her and her tongue is warm and wet against the side of her neck when Rio opens her mouth.
She is sitting up straight now, still straddling her and Agatha follows her blindly.
“I think we,” she starts and is interrupted by Rio’s lips against a particular spot close to her collarbones. “Oh, god.” She sighs, keeps herself from pulling Rio closer, from making her do this over and over.
“I meant what I said.” Rio whispers against her skin before pulling back to look at her and for a second Agatha can’t even process what she is saying.
“What?”
“Last night,” Rio adds, pressing another kiss to her jawline and the dropping her hands down to her lap. “I miss you. I do. And I know that I shouldn’t. Believe me, I’m aware.”
The pain right next to her heart is back the same instant. Her breath stocks in her throat because Rio is right.
She shouldn’t miss her.
Agatha shouldn’t miss Rio either.
She shouldn’t have kissed her last night and she shouldn’t have asked her to stay over and they shouldn’t have made pancakes with Nicky this morning.
She shouldn’t have kissed her two minutes ago and she, probably most importantly, shouldn’t want to do it again already.
Agatha doesn’t miss the way Rio looks at her these days. How sad she had seemed when their eyes had met with Nicholas lying in between them this morning.
And just watching her, hair illuminated by the sunlight and sitting above her, Agatha thinks of saying something just as stupid. Like, I missed you, too, or I hate your new apartment, and probably the worst of all, I want things to go back to how they used to be.
She settles on, “Why did you avoid me then?”
“What?” Rio’s brows furrow, soft lines forming on her forehead and around her eyes. “I don’t avoid you.”
“What would you call it then?” Agatha scoffs. “You didn’t even come inside some Fridays.”
She can see Rio playing with her fingers for a moment before she moves off of her and sits down next to her again.
“I just can’t sometimes. Sundays are hard enough. You know,” she makes a sound between a laugh and a sigh, gesturing around the room, “being here again. Around all of our things. In our home. Don’t you get that that’s difficult?”
“I do get it. I thought you didn’t want to because you hated me.”
It sounds a little like a joke when Agatha says it, considering the way Rio is looking at her.
“I couldn’t ever,” she whispers. “And I tried.”
“Me neither,” Agatha responds as Rio takes her hand. “I tried, too.”
It’s strangely graceful, the way Rio takes off her shirt. Like a complicated performance of ballet, arms stretched out over her head, hips moving to music that neither of them can hear.
“Do you want this?” Rio asks, breathlessly between kisses as she lies down on top of her, her skin finally on Agatha’s again.
Agatha doesn’t know what Rio means anymore, for her to touch her again or for her to stay but it’s all the same to her now. She wants Rio most of all.
“I do,” she whispers, just in time before Rio is moving down her body.