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Genma Shiranui was pretty sure the brightly colored package in his hand wasn’t actually food despite its many claims otherwise.
A glance through the ingredient list found nothing recognizable as something that came from nature, and he had major doubts that anything in that shade of orange the “food” was depicted as on the front was truly edible. He tossed it in the basket with his stack of instant ramen and energy drinks and swore to Guy’s ghost (not that he was dead, but speaking to his friend’s metaphorical spirit was far less exhausting than the enthusiastic lecture on nutrition he would get in person) that he would at least grab a premade salad before he left. He had just moved down to the next probably inedible and brightly colored package of junk food screaming for his attention when he heard the sniffle.
Genma frowned, looking at the package his hand was hovering over for a heartbeat too long before realizing the sound had come from below him.
(He was still getting used to the whole “friends with single dads” thing. A part of him still wanted to look around for a responsible adult for himself, so the idea of being the responsible adult for someone else was a special kind of horrifying. That said, Genma showed up every time Guy or Kakashi needed a sitter even if the first time he had to look up how the hell he was supposed to change a diaper.)
The sight of familiar blue eyes, if bloodshot and rimmed with red from the tears that were pouring down the poor kid’s cheeks, was all Genma registered before a little body hit him with the force of a truck. His bad arm flew back to catch himself on the shelf, sending a painful twinge through his shoulder, while his good arm pulled his basket out of the way before a little head could slam into it.
“Naruto?” He managed through the pain as his brain finally caught up with who exactly the tiny bowling ball attached to his legs was. “Hey, buddy, what’s wrong? Where’s your dad?” That was, apparently, the wrong thing to ask as Naruto immediately burst into loud, body-shaking sobs.
Genma was an ex-soldier. He had stood calm under fire. He had taken a bullet and still dragged his battle buddy to safety before passing out from blood loss.
He had a full two second panic when faced with a crying toddler.
Wrenching his panicking thoughts under control with an iron grip, Genma shifted the two of them until he was kneeling in front of Naruto, abandoning his basket to pet wild blond hair and whispering soft assurances (and possibly bribes but desperate times and all) as the poor kid cried. It took a couple minutes and a few repetitions to understand the word Naruto gasped out between sobs, but Genma eventually got the gist of it by the time Naruto had calmed enough that his sobs were more hiccups.
Naruto had said he was too big for the cart, so Kakashi had allowed him to walk next to him while they shopped. Only Naruto had seen something that sparked his interest and wandered off, and by the time he remembered he had broken his promise to stay by his dad he didn’t know where in the store he was. Naruto had been looking for his dad when he had seen Genma and knew he would help.
Genma smiled and ruffled Naruto’s hair. “I’m glad you found me, kiddo. Now the two of us can find your dad, yeah?”
Fat little fists rubbed at those teary blue eyes so hard that Genma gently pulled them away for fear the kid would do some damage. “What if he’s mad?”
“Mad?” Genma asked, running gentle fingers under Naruto’s eyes to wipe away more stray tears before Naruto could start rubbing again. “Nah, he’s not gonna be mad. He’s too much of a worry wart for that.”
Naruto sniffed, and Genma mentally cursed himself for not carrying tissues as the kid ripped his nose on his orange sleeve. Some Uncle he was. “Promise?”
“I swear it, kiddo. Now c’mon, let’s find your dad.”
Genma shifted his basket to his bad arm before lifting Naruto up, settling him on his hip as he straightened from his crouch. Any discomfort from the weight on his arm was well worth it when Naruto rested his head on his shoulder. Even the thought of the toddler snot that was certainly getting wiped off on him didn’t bother him when Naruto let out a sniffly little giggle when Genma bounced him up into a more comfortable position.
It wasn’t the most comfortable carrying a still upset child in one arm while the other screamed in protest under the weight of the pitiful collection of junk that was Genma’s groceries, but Genma had been in far more uncomfortable situations. Being shot had a way of forcing perspective like that.
In the end it wasn’t hard to find Kakashi. He was tearing up the main aisle like a madman head whipping left and right as he scanned the aisles. It probably would have been funny if he couldn’t see the near panic in his friend’s eye.
“Yo! Kash!”
Kakashi’s head snapped to him so fast Genma felt a twinge of sympathy in his own neck. He barely had the time to see one dark eye widen in recognition before his friend was there, abandoned cart slamming into a shelf hard enough to make the entire thing shutter at the force in his desperation, all but snatching Naruto from his arms and burying his face in wild blond hair. Naruto, whose tears had restarted the moment he caught sight of his dad, clung to Kakashi’s shirt and wailed into the dark fabric.
The sound had attracted the eyes of the few people shopping at this hour, but a flash of a smile that was anything but friendly and a few pointed glares from Genma convinced their audience to suddenly find the nutritional facts of whatever was in their hand very interesting for the conceivable future. It was a bit harder wrangling Kakashi and Naruto down one of the side aisles, but Genma managed it. Saving the abandoned cart was far easier and had the added benefit of letting Genma put his own basket down as he steered with one hand.
Once he had all three of them tucked into the most private space he could manage in the store he turned to his friend, frowning when he caught the rapid rise and fall of Kakashi’s shoulders and white-knuckled grip he had on Naruto’s jacket.
“Hey man,” Genma paused a few feet away when he saw Kakashi’s arms tighten. Right. Grounding first and comfort later. “You’re good. The kid is good too. He’s super smart, you know. Went straight to a safe adult and asked for help. Nearly scared me half to death when I saw him there, but he was real brave. I promised him as much junk food as he wanted before bedtime, so that’s probably not the best but I would argue that’s my right as honorary favorite uncle.”
Kakashi’s snort was more than a little harsh (and wet. Ugh, Genma didn't want to think what that was like with the mask) but his death grip on Naruto’s jacket loosened a little and he managed to pull back enough to glance up at Genma through his silver bangs.
“Guy’s his favorite uncle.”
“Bullshi- cra- poop. Bull poop. Lee is his favorite cousin, and Guy is the person that makes Lee appear, that’s all.”
“Bullshit.”
“Hey! Little ears or some shit! Wait, fuck. I mean–!”
Kakashi’s huffed laugh was a welcome sound. Naruto’s muffled little giggle was even more so. Genma was batting a thousand here. “So, anyway, Favorite Uncle Genma declares that tonight is movie night complete with all the junk food we can eat without barfing. Don’t even try to argue. I know damn well you don't have anything planned for tomorrow, so all three of us are staying up past bedtime and bonding.”
It was surprisingly easy to corral Kakashi and Naruto out of the store. Kakashi hadn’t even protested when Genma had paid for all the groceries himself, which might have been because he was far too busy glaring at anyone who looked at Naruto too long like an overgrown guard dog. He also didn’t argue when Genma snagged his keys and shoved him into the passenger side after buckling Naruto into his car seat which was a mercy considering lifting Naruto up into his seat and transferring the groceries into the back had done Genma’s shoulder no favors. He’d make Kakashi drive him back to his car in the morning… or text Hayate and bribe him into using the spare key to get it home.
Thankfully, Genma was around enough that Kakashi’s pack didn’t jump him immediately after he shouldered through the door with both sets of groceries hanging off his good arm. Even better Genma actually remembered where Kakashi kept the laminated paper with all of the dogs’ dinner needs so he managed to get all eight of them fed and watered correctly without having to break up the tangled mass that was Kakashi and Naruto on the couch.
Eventually all three of them were situated on Kakashi’s singular couch (god he and Guy needed to see about getting the poor bastard more furniture that wasn't child-sized or a dog bed) with varying bowls and packages of candies, cookies, and the mystery orange monstrosity Genma had picked up at the store that Naruto loudly claimed as his favorite spread around them. There was even an age-appropriate movie droning on in the background that they all paid half attention to while hunting for their preferred snack. Sure, the amount of sugar and god knew what else all three of them were eating could hardly be considered a balanced dinner, but Genma was content in the knowledge that all three of them were fed without bloodshed or any more tears.
He was killing this whole Uncle thing.
Naruto had dropped into sleep, snoring away from his spot sprawled across both of them, when Kakashi reached one arm behind the couch and flicked something light and flat over Genma’s head. It took some shifting to free his good arm enough to peel what turned out to be a heating pad off of his face.
“You fucked up your arm,” Kakashi accused.
“A bullet fucked up my arm. I just irritated it.”
That earned him a rude gesture which was rather merciful considering Kakashi’s usual gruff sort of love. Maybe Genma should let himself be a kid mattress more often. “Well you’re damn good at it, bastard.”
Genma laughed, stilling when Naruto shifted on top of him. When he was sure his living blanket was still out he shot Kakashi a smirk. “I’m good at a lot of things, I’ll have you know.”
Kakashi’s face did something complicated. “You are. Better than me.”
Suddenly Genma wasn’t so sure they were talking about being annoying anymore. He nudged Kakashi with his socked toes and narrowed his eyes at him. “You’re a good dad, Kash. I’ll fight anyone who says otherwise.”
“Even me?” Kakashi asked with a pointed look at Genma’s bad shoulder.
“I never said that I’d win the fight.” That earned him a snort, which Genma took as a win. “Seriously, Kakashi, what you’re doing is fucking hard. I can barely manage to take care of myself most days, much less a living breathing human being. Even if it wasn’t just you it would be hard. Everyone talks about how hard it is, that’s why they have those mommy groups and shit so you can drink wine and talk about how hard it is.”
“Actually they’re more–”
“See? You know! You give a fuck about your kid enough to know! This doesn’t make you a bad dad. Fuck, my old man forgot me at the store twice when I was Naruto’s age. Shit happens, and you’re the kind of smart that will figure out the leash the first time instead of the second.”
Kakashi’s kick was far gentler than it would have normally been either because the cold blooded bastard had finally grown a heart or because of the toddler still using Genma as a futon… probably the toddler. “Make all the dog jokes about me you want, but leave the kid out of it.”
Genma blinked. “I wasn’t!”
“Leash?” Kakashi pointed out with an unimpressed eyebrow.
“I was serious, asshole! They make like backpacks with fucking leashes or some shit. Better than the bracelet I had to–” Genma broke off as a thought occurred to him. Wait, hold on, you mean I was a leash kid, and Hatake ‘Dog Food Isn’t That Bad’ Kakashi wasn’t?”
Despite being friends with Kakashi for years, Genma still wasn’t entirely sure how the bastard managed to smirk with the mask hiding his mouth. What he was sure about was that it was fucking annoying to have aimed at him.
(Genma ignored the slight feeling of relief in his chest that Kakashi was back to his usual bastard self.)
“That explains so much about you.”
“Fuck off, you didn’t even know leash kids were a thing before now!”
“And yet so many burning questions about Shiranui Genma have been answered in one fell swoop!”
The renewed ache in Genma’s arm was well worth the sight of the orange monstrosity of a snack he had picked up at the store bouncing off of the skin between Kakashi’s eyes, and onto the floor. At least it was until the two of them scrambled to get out from under Naruto and to the mystery snack before one of the dogs could snatch it.
(A few days later Genma showed up at Kakashi’s door proudly showing off the orange fox harness backpack much to Naruto’s delight, firmly solidifying himself in the position of favorite uncle.)