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"Wait, so you're having dinner with him on Friday night?" Jisu asked, perplexed. The four friends were having their biweekly coffee meetup. It had become a tradition as of lately for them to catch up over caffeine and pastries.
"Yes, and? What about it?" Seungmina knew what they were on about, but she didn’t really feel like admitting it.
"Next Friday is Valentine’s Day!" Hyunjin exclaimed, dropping her fork.
"So that's why they had a discount for two-people parties! You guys know I don’t really pay attention to those American things and he doesn’t either." She was fully aware of the fact, but she played dumb just to annoy them a bit.
Jisu wasn’t sold with that explanation and she voiced it out, "I think he does… Whose idea was it?"
"His."
Lixie snorted while Hyunjin and Jisu shared a look. They had already voiced their concerns about their friend’s weird situation with her so-called-soulmate-but-never-boyfriend many times in the past, but Seungmina never paid them any mind. She was well aware that they could never understand hers and Lee Mujin’s relationship, since they had never experienced anything like it.
"You guys know that it's all strictly platonic with him. I have been saying it since highschool, but it seems like it falls on deaf ears."
"You two have slept together on multiple occasions already" Hyunjin deadpanned.
"I still don't see your point." Seungmina doubled down.
"You're not supposed to have sex with your platonic soulmate."
"Says who?"
Hyunjin and Seungmina started bickering as it usually happened when the topic arose. Hyunjin could be hot-headed when she wanted to and had a very different approach to relationships and romance to Seungmina’s way of thinking, which usually led to disagreements.
"This is useless,” Lixie intervened, “it's the same conversation over and over again every single time."
"No, but seriously, have you never considered him as a serious real partner? You two are such a perfect match…" Jisu added, curious as always.
Seungmina already knew they were a perfect match and it’s not like she hadn’t thought about it, particularly during their highschool days. They became best friends back then with just one simple conversation and they had been joined at the hip ever since. Falling in love with Mujin would have been the easy option for Seungmina, but she wasn’t really the type of girl who was comfortable with commitment. Plus, it wasn’t as if he saw her in that light either, so there wasn’t really a case to it. They had had sex in the past, though, her friends were right about that, but they both knew there were no romantic feelings involved. They were comfortable with what they had and anything else would be too complicated.
"But he looks at you with hearts in his eyes!” Hyunjin looked actually distressed. “The poor guy worships you!"
"As he should!" Hyunjin rolled her eyes at the remark. "You always see romance everywhere, you’re not the most reliable source for that, to be fair."
"I see it too" Lixie agreed. "Actually, that one time we all went out in Wangsimni he spent the whole night looking at you and I think I saw him moping around when you left with someone else."
"That night you were wasted as fuck and then you two" Seungmina pointed at Lixie and Hyunjin "spent way too long in the bathroom together doing God-knows-what. So, again, not a reliable source."
"Oh, shut up! That's besides the point!" Lixie huffed.
"Look, he's not into me like that and I’m not into him like that either, so quit it."
"Fine. But just think about it next time you’re with him, we can’t all be making things up." The three of them could be really persistent when they set their minds to it.
"Whatever."
Seungmina had always been quite a peculiar person and she knew her friends loved her just the way she was. Theirs was a pretty quaint group of people, and they had been together for more than fifteen years. The four women at the table had basically grown up together, so by now that they were all over thirty, there wasn’t really anything to hide. Her friends had been privy about her tumultuous love life and her no-strings-attached mindset, so they should understand why she didn’t want Mujin to be an option. She knew she would only hurt both of them if she gave into that train of thought, so Seungmina avoided ever thinking about him romantically.
She hadn’t always been that way, but as in every cliché story, she had had her fair share of heartbreak. A cheater here, a liar there, Seungmina had put her heart on the line enough times to not want to do it again. That’s why she never let her relationships last for too long or get too deep. Yes, she maybe was the villain in someone else’s story, but she was always clear with her intentions so it wasn’t really her fault.
As she made her way back to her apartment in Gangnam-gu, her mind kept going back to the conversation with the girls. Mujin and her texted every day, met up almost constantly, and got each other on the deepest of levels. It would be so easy… too bad.
☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆
After many years of hard work, it had finally paid off for Mujin and he could dedicate his life to be a musician full-time, and Seungmina couldn’t be prouder. That’s why she found herself in the middle of a sold-out concert hall watching her best friend perform in front of a big audience as if he were born for it. Everyone was hyped up while listening to one her personal favourites, ‘Traffic light’, so once the song was over, she was surprised as the lights dimmed a bit and the mood got quieter.
“Are you guys enjoying the concert so far?” Mujin asked, to which the crowd replied with a big cheer. “Okay, okay, I hear you! We’re going to get a bit more serious now, though.” He had shared the setlist with her prior to the concert and she didn’t remember anything like this being in the plan. “I don’t expect you guys to know the lyrics to this one, as I wrote it two days ago, so just chill and enjoy it. I think you’ll like it; it’s very special to me.” She frowned. Mujin always sent her voice notes during his writing process, so this had really caught her off guard. As the piano started playing the first notes, everyone got silent.
I don't miss you anymore
I don't even want to see you
I’m forgetting about our love
Quietly
But I still can’t figure out why
My heart starts to cry whenever it rains
When you left
On that day a long time ago
I'm fine now
I gave up on love
But why am I crying
Like a fool
Mujin’s music was usually more on the cheerful, light-hearted side, so these lyrics were not what she was expecting at all. He often said that music was a way for him to convey his emotions, and to make people feel seen and understood, and he claimed that he aspired to be like a happy pill to everyone listening. So why was he talking about heartbreak all of a sudden? And most importantly, when had he experienced this kind of sadness? Seungmina and Mujin shared almost everything that happened in their lives with each other, so she knew he had been too focused on his career to date lately. It wasn’t as if he had had time to fall this deeply in love, she would know.
While Mujin’s voice kept singing, she felt a hot tear run down her cheek. A heavy weight settled on her heart as a torrent of negative thoughts invaded her head. Anger, sadness and anxiety clouded her judgement. She didn’t know why she was feeling this way, but she couldn’t tear her eyes away from him as the song kept playing. His love life had never been an issue for her, so she couldn’t understand why the lyrics were hitting her so hard. The first thought that came to her mind as she tried to rationalise her reaction was that he hadn’t shared any of this with her despite their close bond. However, that didn’t make sense, she was feeling too distraught, it couldn't just be annoyance because hadn’t told her about it; he was allowed to keep things from her.
It was more about the lyrics and what they implied, rather than not knowing why he wrote them. He had loved someone deeply enough to dedicate such words to them and something about that didn’t sit right with her. Maybe the conversation from some weeks ago with her friends had muddled her judgement, but a tiny voice in her head wondered if he had ever felt this way about her. Seungmina didn’t want to admit it, but that question was haunting her thoughts, that was the reason for her anxiety. Knowing that he had felt so strongly about someone who wasn’t her made her inexplicably sad for a woman who claimed that their relationship was nothing more than platonic friends who at some point had had sex.
Yet here she was, still crying outside the venue once the concert was over, making up a poor excuse to avoid seeing him as they had previously agreed. She shot him a quick text apologising before getting into a cab and going back home, unable to shake off the sadness she felt in her chest.
☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆
Seungmina kept pacing back and forth around her living room as she waited for Mujin to arrive. They had planned weeks ago to meet up and watch some shitty sci-fi movie as they used to when they were younger, and it was the first time seeing him after his concert. It had been a terrible week, as thoughts of that damn song kept torturing her and didn’t let her sleep. Mujin and his feelings had become almost an obsession and, although she knew why, she still refused to accept it. She just couldn’t.
The doorbell interrupted her train of thought and she ran to answer it, way too nervous for it to just be Mujin. He was smiling at her on the doorway with his full cheeks out on display, as goofy as always.
“Ready for some alien action?” he asked innocently.
“You know I’m always ready for that”, she replied, trying to sound nonchalant. It felt wrong being so jittery around someone she had known for ages and was supposed to be comfortable with. It was her Lee Mujin , for fuck’s sake! They had done way worse than just watch a silly movie at her place, there was no reason to feel like that.
“Are you feeling better now? I was worried when I read your text after the concert”, he asked once he had put on the alien-themed green slippers Seungmina always lent him.
“Uh, yeah… I just needed to rest a little bit. Stress finally caught up to me, nothing a good sleep couldn’t fix” she lied through her teeth. Truth was, she was now more stressed than ever but she had always been good at hiding behind a stoic mask and she hoped he couldn’t tell that wasn’t true.
“I’m so glad to hear that. I was counting the days left to see you, it’s been forever since the last time we did this. Just you and I, like the old days. I’ve missed you.”
“What are you talking about! We text every single day, just this morning you sent me a picture of your burnt toast!” Seungmina tried to shake off the serious mood that his comment had created. He had been there for less than five minutes and she was already sweating buckets.
“You know it’s not the same, plus I was really looking forward to seeing you after the concert. Did you enjoy it?” Why was he bringing it up? Seungmina paled with the question. Stupid concert, stupid song and stupid Lee Mujin! She hated how on edge she was and how much that simple comment had thrown her off.
“It was great as usual, Mujin” she tried to play it cool. “You know I’m your biggest fan.”
She thought she had gone completely insane when she saw him suddenly blush, her mind was definitely playing tricks on her, and it was cruel.
“That’s right, after all you were my first Spotify listener.” She watched him make his way towards her fridge and grab their dinner as if he had done so hundreds of times, which in hindsight was probably true. It all felt so natural with him, they fit perfectly in each other’s spaces and the sight of him in her apartment made her feel that he belonged permanently there. He patted the spot next to him on the sofa and wordlessly Seungmina made her way there.
The movie was a specially shitty one, something about aliens starring in a dating reality show, and even though that was right up her alley, she couldn’t keep her eyes on the screen for too long. Each laugh, each funny comment from Mujin made her head turn towards him. After this happening way too many times, they locked eyes and Seungmina couldn’t hold it in anymore.
“Mujin, stop the movie.”
“But we’re getting to the best part…” Seungmina wondered how he could be so clueless sometimes.
“Mujin, I’m being serious, stop the movie.” His smile faded from his face as he saw her expression.
“Is everything okay?” he asked, concerned. Seungmina felt as if she was about to explode, so she just let everything that had been brewing in her mind for the past few weeks out, unfiltered.
“I think I’m in love with you, which sucks, because I know we’re not like that and you’re probably weirded out right now, but I can’t hold it in anymore! It’s just that stupid song, the new one you sang at the concert. Seeing you so deeply in love with someone else made me sick, which in turn also made me realise that what I’ve been feeling for you hasn’t been platonic for a while. I’ve spent some of the worst weeks of my life worrying about the fact that I might lose you for being so stupid and not being able to suppress my feelings, and it’s fine if you don’t feel the same, but I needed to be honest with you. I value you too much to keep lying to both of us. Wait, why are you crying?” She looked puzzled, as silent tears fell from Mujin’s eyes. Out of any of the possible reactions, she really was not expecting this one. “Is it really that bad? I promise nothing will change, I’m still your Seungmina.”
“This changes everything.” She was about to reply when he interrupted her. “You have no idea of how madly in love I am with you. Hell, I’ve been in love with you for half my life. Do you remember that Day6 concert we went to ages ago?” Seungmina nodded. “That day you looked so beautiful and, as the lights reflected in your eyes, the only thought in my mind was that if I had died in that exact moment, the only sad thing about it would have been that I wouldn’t have been able to see you again.” It was now her turn to cry. “That stupid song you mentioned before was about you. I’ve been trying to get over you for years and it’s been pointless, so I thought that maybe if I put it down in a song I would finally believe it. But here I am, as convinced as the first day, that I want to love you for as long as you’ll allow me.” She didn’t let him continue and kissed him passionately.
“My Mujin, I can’t believe I’ve been so fucking blind for so long, I’m so sorry for not realising earlier! I promise to try to make it up to you for the rest of our lives if you still want me.” He giggled and kissed her back as a reply. Even if they had kissed before, this was the most special one, because they poured all their feelings into it. Although at first it began quite chaste, Seungmina quickly deepened it. She was lost in his lips when he suddenly pulled away.
“Wait, so,” Mujin started nervously, “does this mean we’re a couple now? Like, a real couple? As in, I can say you’re my girlfriend?”
“Of course, dummy! Now kiss me again and never stop.”
“Gladly” he said with the biggest smile on his face.
Seungmina had always thought she didn’t need a partner by her side to be happy, and maybe that was right, but she did need her soulmate and she was determined to never again make him feel like that wasn’t the case. It had taken her way too long to accept it, but she was used to taking the difficult route, which is why she thought it was kind of funny how life had led her to Mujin, who was so easy to love.