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Buck can’t believe his life right now. He doesn’t want to be anywhere near Gerrard’s wing, let alone under it. He really doesn’t.
“Hey, at least you won’t have to clean the toilets anymore,” Eddie says.
Buck would really rather clean the toilets. Better yet, he’d rather Bobby was back as the captain, where he belongs, and Gerrard back in the Jurassic era, where he belongs.
“He’s invited me to golfing with him.” Buck says, pained. “Eddie, I don’t want to. I don’t.”
Eddie rests his hand on Buck’s shoulder, rubs it. “Hey, hey it’ll be okay. You saved him, he won’t try to humiliate you.”
“No, but he’ll call me his little buddie and touch me again.”
“Do…you wanna fake being sick?”
Buck seriously considers that. Even considers actually getting sick somehow. But there’s a good chance Gerrard will only postpone the game.
For the first time, Buck regrets saving a life.
“What if…I put in for a transfer?” Buck says. Really, he’ll kill himself before having to be separated from the 118, from Eddie. But he’s pretty sure his head will explode if he has to keep interacting with Gerrard. He’s out of options.
There’s a microsecond where Eddie looks some combination of hurt and scared, but it’s masked quickly. “He’ll still need to approve it?” Eddie says, nonchalant. “And considering, well, everything…I don’t think he’ll let you go.”
“That’s only because he doesn’t know that I’m bi yet. Should I just come out to him?”
“Buck,” Eddie sighs. “It sucks, I know. And obviously I’m not asking you to stay in the closet, just, don’t become his target again on purpose. I can’t watch it.”
Buck pouts.
Eddie shakes his head, breath hitching. “Fine, come here, let me steal you from under his wings.”
Buck can’t help but laugh slightly as Eddie hugs him. Finally, finally, the spiral in his mind stops swirling. He’s back on the ground. This is what a hug is supposed to feel like. Loving and comforting. Not whatever the fuck it was with Gerrard.
“Will you come with me to the golf course?”
“I’m pretty sure he won’t let me,” Eddie says, breath tickling Buck’s neck. “But, I have a golf club cover that I’ve drawn a moustache on that you can take with you.”
Buck breathes. It might sound ridiculous, but, it was Eddie’s voice fighting to ground him when he was overwhelmed with Gerrard. Eddie being there, even if just in spirit, will help.
They still don’t break apart. Eddie just…continues holding him. Not that Buck’s complaining, but it really isn’t the quick, platonic hug they’re used to. Then...Eddie smells his hair???
Is Buck hallucinating?
That must be it. From Gerrard hugging him to Eddie hugging him like this…he’s hallucinating.
Finally, Eddie lets him go. And. Buck craves to be back in his arms again, almost chases the touch. It’s…getting increasingly difficult to ignore. But he has to. Eddie’s straight. Buck has to ignore his damn feelings and pretend like they don’t exist at all if he doesn’t want his heart broken beyond repair. Eddie had said that things wouldn’t change between them. Buck can’t ruin that. So he lets go too.
***
There’s also another reason Buck has to ignore his feelings. His boyfriend. So he tells Tommy the whole matter too, hoping that Tommy would hug him, just like Eddie. Hoping that it would make him feel even one thousandth of what being held by Eddie felt like. Hoping that over time, those one-thousandths would add up, and they might have a fraction of what him and Eddie have, some semblance of love and belonging.
But Tommy doesn’t hug him at all.
“Wow,” he says, tone flat. Tone always either fucking flat or weirdly flirty. “Can’t believe you managed to actually impress him.”
And, what?
“I wasn’t trying to,” Buck says. In fact, he was trying the opposite, not that he’s proud about that or anything. But he wasn’t trying to impress or befriend Gerrard. That’s quite literally a nightmare. A nightmare that’s somehow come to life.
Tommy nods, a little annoyed. “Well, either way, great news.” He says, and holds out his wine glass to clink.
Buck is at a loss of words.
“Uh, great news?” He asks, confused.
He’s really not prepared for the answer.
“Isn’t it? You get to be the captain’s favourite. Again.” And for the first time, the tone shifts. Its neither flat nor flirty, but…jealous. What?
“Bobby cares about everyone,” Buck says, “And I don’t want to be Gerrard’s favourite.”
“Evan, are you really complaining about your captain liking you?”
“He’s not, he’s not my captain,” Buck says, a little petulant. He knows that technically Gerrard is the captain. But not in Buck’s heart. Never.
Tommy scoffs, shaking his head. And usually, Buck would let something like this go. But this…this he can’t. There’s a weird sinking feeling in his gut that doesn’t let him.
“Sorry, I’m not in the mood to celebrate being his favourite,” Buck says, salty. “He tortures my friends every shift, used to torture me-”
“Oh, come on,” Tommy says flippantly. “You know he’s not gonna torture you anymore. As for the rest of them, you can’t help it. Be on his good side and everything will be fine.”
“Being on his good side means he’ll say some heinous racist shit and then look at me like he expects me to agree or joke along.” Buck says. Why is it hard for Tommy to understand how horrible this whole situation is? If anything, it should be easy. He was at the 118 under Gerrard for god’s sake.
“He’s just…old,” Tommy says, clearing his throat. “When he looks at you, you just nod and laugh. Keep your head down. Trust me, it’s for the best.”
Buck’s stomach drops as suspicion creeps in, along with disgust.
“And what happens when he finds out I’m bi?” Buck asks.
“I’m sure it won’t matter if he finds out you’re gay,” Tommy says. Gay. Not bi. As if Buck hasn't corrected him on that a hundred times already. “You saved his life, he can look past something like that. I was able to. When Howie just joined, me and him didn’t really get along. But he saved my life one day and,” he shrugs.
Buck is really going to be sick. “Just to be clear,” he says, nauseous, “You didn’t get along with Chim because…”
“He didn’t…fit in, exactly.”
“Because he’s Asian?”
Tommy scoffs, “Nobody cared that he’s Chinese-”
What the actual fuck-
“He’s Korean.” Buck says, ears ringing. He can’t wrap his head around it. He’s just, speechless. What the fuck is this?
Tommy shrugs, “Chinese, Korean, I don’t care. I just needed to know he was competent.”
“Why did you even assume he wasn’t?”
“Evan-”
“Actually, we’re not doing this.” he says. He’s not giving this weirdo a lecture on racism. Buck’s not even qualified, mind you. “You can leave.”
“You’re seriously breaking up with me over this?”
“I’m seriously-” he stops himself, takes a deep breath. “I don’t want to explain, Tommy. I shouldn’t have to. Leave.”
“Fine,” Tommy sneers, getting up. “This level of childishness isn’t good for me anyway.”
Buck stares as the door closes behind Tommy, unable to believe any of that happened. God. He dated that guy. He- he feels gross. He desperately needs a shower, to scrub this feeling of him.
After the shower, he heads straight to Eddie’s. It’s a bad idea, he knows. But the inconvenient all-consuming love he harbours for Eddie aside, Eddie’s his best friend. The person he goes to, needs, whenever anything happens. So he drives to Eddie’s, intending to spend the night on his couch and hopefully block anything to do with Tommy out of his memory.
“Hey,” Eddie says, opening the door.
The little surprise he has on his face that Buck didn’t just use his keys is nothing compared to the big surprise Buck has on his face.
The moustache is gone. And Eddie’s eyes are red. Like he’d been crying. It twists Buck's stomach even more.
“You,”
Eddie just shrugs.
“Are you okay?” Buck asks, even though he knows the answer.
Eddie shrugs again. “Thought you had a date with Tommy?”
“We broke up.”
Eddie’s face, for some reason, lights up.
And what does that mean?
No, No, Buck can’t get his hopes up. Eddie had made the same face after his breakup with Natalia too. It doesn’t mean anything. He’s straight.
Eddie just keeps the door open and goes to get the beers. Buck, closes the door behind him and tries to sit on the couch. But, well, he’s too antsy to relax. So he settles on pacing around the living room.
“So, what happened?” Eddie asks.
“He sucks,”
Eddie doesn’t even look surprised. Just…relieved? Either way, Buck launches into everything that happened. When he finishes, the face Eddie makes gives Buck both life and shame.
“Why wouldn’t they tell me?” Buck asks.
He can’t believe Chim just…let him parade around someone who treated him horribly as his boyfriend. And Tommy hadn’t said anything about how he’d treated Hen, but Buck’s not stupid. He can guess.
“Maybe because they thought he’d changed and didn’t want to ruin your uh, self-discovery?” Eddie offers.
“Well, he hasn’t.” Buck says, nauseous again. “It’s so gross, Eddie. I mean, I’ve kissed this person. Had sex-”
Eddie, too, looks nauseous at that. “You didn’t know,” he says at last, kindness seeping through the bitterness. And really, however horrible he’s feeling, Buck can’t help but let it all go in the softness of Eddie’s looks and words.
And god. He looks fucking gorgeous. And himself now, like Eddie—his Eddie—without the moustache. How? How is Buck not supposed to kiss Eddie Diaz on the mouth anytime he sees him?
Fuck. Why did it have to be Eddie? Why couldn’t it have been someone not straight? Someone he could lose without being utterly destroyed?
“Buck?” Eddie asks, concerned at him just standing in the middle of the room and zoning out. “You okay?”
Exhausted, Buck nods and slumps on the couch. “I don’t even know why I was dating him.”
It’s dangerous to broach this subject. But he needs to. He can’t keep pretending he was actually interested in Tommy, not after learning all that.
“Why does anyone date anyone?”
“I meant, I didn’t even like him. Yeah, I thought his job was cool but,”
“You maimed me because you thought his job was cool?” Eddie asks, a teasing lilt to his voice.
“No,” Buck says, heart racing. “I did that because I was jealous and stupid and wanted your attention.”
Eddie just stares, taking it in. Then, softly, “You always have my attention, Buck,”
He can’t. He can’t just say stuff like that while looking like that and expect Buck to stay sane. He can’t.
“Not for those two weeks, no.” Buck says, swallowing thickly. Even thinking of that time makes him agitated. He should stop. He really should. He couldn’t handle being somewhat distant from Eddie for two mere weeks. He won’t survive doing that forever. But his mind is on a roll, no signs of stopping. “I mean, he was flying you out to Vegas and- wait, oh. Oh god was he, too, interested in you?”
It’s…it’s entirely possible. Tommy couldn’t be bothered to make any effort at all for Buck, including putting on some Hawaiian shirt for a bachelor party. But those two weeks he hung out with Eddie? Eddie was practically being spoiled. Buck really doesn’t know how to process that. Normally, he’d be devastated. But Tommy sucks. Buck has no idea how to feel about this, any of this. He needs a nap. He needs to disappear into the woods for a week.
“Too?” Eddie asks, eyes so warm and huge—really, Buck deserves a medal in self-restraint. It should be illegal to have eyes like that— “He…too?”
That snaps Buck right back from being lost in Eddie’s eyes. Shit. That wasn’t supposed to slip out. Fuck.
“I’m sorry. Oh god, I’m really sorry, Eddie.”
“Buck-”
“I know you’re straight and you said this changes nothing between us and it’s like I was trying to be in love with you and ruin everything.” Buck goes on, not stopping to breathe. Eddie needs to understand. Buck can’t lose him, he can’t. “I just, am. In love with you. Because you’re, you know, you. And,”
“Buck,”
“But this really won’t change anything between us, I promise. I’ll move on, I’ll get over you-”
“Please don’t,” Eddie says, “Get over me.”
The spiral stops as abruptly as it started. Buck just stares at Eddie, mouth agape.
“You think I’m not in love with you just as much?” Eddie asks.
“But, but you’re straight.” Buck says, blinking.
“Am I?” Eddie says, and then kisses him.
Buck- Buck stops breathing. Freezes. Eddie tries to pull away, and only then Buck gets his mind back. Eddie- Eddie was just as much in love with him?
He chases after Eddie’s lips immediately, pulling him onto his lap, arms locked tightly around his waist.
And fuck. He’s dreamt about kissing Eddie embarrassingly many times. But the reality- god. It’s-its everything. It’s everything, to be held and loved and kissed by Eddie, to get to do all that back to him. Intoxicating and grounding at the same time.
“Okay,” Buck says, in between kissing. Because he can’t stop. Won’t. “That’s not very straight of you. Eddie, what-”
Eddie laughs, then pulls away to breathe. Buck has to stop himself from chasing Eddie’s lips again. They really need to talk.
“God, I love you,” Eddie says, panting for breath.
And Buck- Buck’s gone. He’s never going to recover from this. Never going to have another single thought. It’s all just Eddie. Eddie kissing him. Eddie on his lap. Eddie saying he loves him-shit, he need to say it back.
“I love you too!” Buck says hastily, “So much. I’m just, confused.”
Eddie shakes his head, pulls Buck in for another kiss. Buck won’t complain, really, but then Eddie starts crying.
“Eddie?” he asks, pulling away again.
“I’m gay,” Eddie says. “Not broken. Gay. And kissing finally feels right.”
It makes sense, considering the position they’re in right now, which- holy shit Eddie’s on his lap. But Buck refrains from asking for explanations. He knows exactly what it feels like to discover your actual sexuality in your thirties. And Eddie, well, he never really had luck with women. Women loved him, of course they did—who wouldn’t? but it always fell apart in the weirdest of ways. No, what Buck is more shocked about is the fact that he felt broken. Eddie, his precious Eddie, his solid ground, his love, his joy, ever felt broken. And Buck didn’t know.
“God, Buck. I was so afraid that I’d lost you to him because I took so long to figure it out.”
“You could never lose me, Eddie.” Buck says, bringing his hands up to cradle his face. Buck kisses his forehead for good measure. “To him or anyone else. Now or ten years down the line.”
“Yeah?”
“I mean, the only reason I projected it onto him was because I didn’t know you were an option.”
Not just him, Buck realises. All his partners since Eddie came into his life. Ali, because, technically, the day he met her was the day he fell in love. Stupid, all-consuming love that he couldn’t name or acknowledge. Ever since he’s seen Eddie run up to Chris in his school and hug him, he’s been in love.
Taylor because Eddie had just gotten shot, and she’d kissed him. And he needed someone to project the intensity of his emotions at. Natalia because he’d died and come back and his love still hadn’t found it’s home yet. He did like them, loved even, in his own way. But they weren’t Eddie. They could never be.
Eddie smiles. Then, gently, kisses Buck’s birthmark. Buck melts. He’s never…he’s never been loved like this, not by a partner. He was Abby’s distraction, and Ali’s dream that she realised she never wanted. Taylor’s second priority, always and Natalia’s fascination. Tommy’s consolation prize. He was never anyone’s love. Except Eddie’s.
He’s crying too, now.
“Baby?” Eddie asks, and Buck melts even more.
“I love you,” Buck says, “I’m so glad you’re gay.”
Eddie laughs. And god. It’s the sweetest melody, better than any birdsong. And Buck’s going to hear it for the rest of his life.
“I love you,” Buck says again, just because he can. Just because he doesn’t have to ignore it anymore. “I love you, I love you, I love you.”
“I love you too,” Eddie says, tightening his arms around Buck.
And Buck can’t believe his life right now.
Gerrard still needs to go and Chris still needs to come back. But the world suddenly feels easier to handle now. Because whatever life throws at them, they’ll face it. Together. Just like they’ve been doing for seven years now.