Chapter Text
Shifting baby Nicky on her hip, Amanda leans down into Sonny’s phone that he’s got propped up against the baby’s sippy cup. “No offence, Rafael, but you kinda look like shit.” Sonny shoots her a look and she shrugs a shoulder, giving him a look in return. “He does!” She defends.
“Ignore her,” Sonny instructs as he shoos his wife from their FaceTime. “But you do kinda look like shit.”
Rafael exhales, rubbing his forehead.
He feels like shit.
After returning to Iowa everything had just felt wrong. His appetite had gone and he’s lucky if he manages a few hours of sleep every night. His suits hang a little looser and the dark smudges under his eyes have become an almost permanent fixture at this point.
Sonny’s expression conveys all the concern in his voice. “You doing ok?”
How do you heal a broken heart?
“….just working on a particularly challenging case. I appreciate your concern, really.”
Noah had blocked his number.
He had called him from the airport getting his voicemail almost immediately and at first, Rafael had assumed that perhaps he had turned his phone off, had it on silent.
His text messages had gone unanswered for days.
After almost a month of only reaching his voicemail Rafael had finally deduced that Noah had blocked his number.
He spins his glass of scotch on his desk, staring at the amber liquid.
Can he blame him?
“You’re still coming next week, right?” Sonny questions.
“About that-”
Sonny cuts him off. “-you’re not bailing, Rafael. Look, we’ve all given you space this past month to go through,” he gestures with his hands in no particular manner but Rafael understands him all the same. “This. I’ve even lied to your mother twice now. Twice!” He holds up two fingers into the camera. “You’re coming to this party if I have to fly to Iowa myself and drag you here.”
“You don’t have to be dramatic-”
“-you wanna talk about being dramatic?” Sonny scoffs, shaking his head. “I’m not the one putting myself through hell trying to be noble for the woman that I love.” Before he can offer anything in response, Sonny continues. “And for the record, she’s just as broken up….Manda’s been over there at least twice a week just to check on her, make sure she eats.”
Rafael’s stomach clenches.
“She looks like shit too,” Amanda chimes in from the other room.
Sonny gestures with a thumb towards his wife’s voice to hit home the message. “See? There’s no reason for both of you to be this miserable-”
“-I’m not going to be a third wheel, Sonny.”
“For Christ's sake,” Amanda comments from the other room. Nicky is squirming in her arms when she appears back in the kitchen and she hands him off to Sonny as she leans down into the camera. “Stabler went back to Rome three weeks ago. Official reason was that he’s working some undercover case there, but the unofficial reason? I know he and Liv had dinner shortly after you left, and the next day, he was gone.”
Sonny bounces the boy on his knee causing him to giggle. “…she went to 1PP, gave them the tapes of the interrogation. Tucker suspended her for 2 weeks, no pay. She’s lucky she didn’t loose her job, her pension.”
Jesus.
“You gonna tell him about Noah?” Amanda questions softly.
His heart clenches in his chest. “What about Noah?”
They both share glances before Sonny readjust Nicky into his arms. “He’s struggling-”
“-he quit dancing,” Amanda cuts in. “Won’t talk to Liv, closed himself off to everybody.”
He doesn’t know what to say.
Sonny watches the color drain from Rafael’s face and attempts to smooth things over. “Look, we’re not trying to say that this is your fault-”
“-it is my fault,” Rafael interjects. “How is this not my fault? He asked me to be present, 100% present and I couldn’t…” he pushes away from his chair, downing the rest of his drink. “I have to go.”
“You gonna be alright?” Sonny questions worriedly.
Rafael nods despite the way he can feel the tears brimming in his eyes. “I’ll see you both next week.”
Sonny and Amanda say their goodbyes and the minute they hang up the Face Time call, he’s searching for flights back to Manhattan.
. . . . . . . . . . . .
The tears leak gently out of her eyes, down her cheeks landing in her ears as Liv lays in bed, staring up at the ceiling. It’s her scheduled day off but she’d only just gotten back to work after her suspension and having something to do, something to distract her from the utter ache in her chest had been the only thing keeping the tears at bay.
Noah’s home now, and no amount of reasoning, pleading with him has changed his mind about going back to dance. The open communication Liv thought she had with her son wasn’t enough to get him to even be in the same room as her.
There’s a gentle knock on her door and she sits up, wiping her eyes. “You can come in, Noah.” Her son takes a minute before opening the door, his head hung and his curls hiding his eyes. Liv sees the way he’s nervously picking at the skin on his thumb and all she wants to do is pull him into her arms tightly. “It’s ok, Noah, whatever it is, babe. Talk to me.”
He exhales audibly crossing the room to sit on the bed in front of her. “….I’m sorry, Mom. This is all my fault.”
Reaching for his hands, Liv laces her fingers with his. “What do you mean, honey?”
Noah lifts his tear filled eyes to hers. “I pushed him away. I told him I didn’t want a relationship with him if it only meant FaceTimes and holidays and I was so angry and I blocked his number and now…he’s given up on us.”
Liv’s only just following what he’s telling her and she attempts to piece it all together. “Are you talking about Rafa?”
Noah nods, releasing her hands to wipe his eyes. “…I stupidly thought it would fix things.”
“Honey,” she’s reaching for him and Noah hugs her so tightly that the weight of his pain hurts. “Rafael loves you-”
“-love isn’t walking away.”
His words land squarely in her chest.
“It’s loving someone even when it’s complicated,” he adds. Pulling back, Noah wipes his eyes again, reaching for his phone in his pocket. “It’s admitting when you’re wrong and doing everything you can to make it right.” He scrolls around on his phone a minute before turning it towards her to see. “….there’s a flight to Iowa leaving this afternoon….Mom….please.”
Liv’s nodding, wiping her own eyes.
She took the security tapes to 1PP and took Tuckers wrath, grateful she still had a job because he was right; Elliot shouldn’t have been anywhere near that interrogation and she told him as much went she met him for dinner the next day.
She put herself first.
Finally.
Spent the days after reckoning with all the emotions that came along with ending a relationship that had taken more than it had every had given.
“Yes. Go a pack bag.” Noah lands in her arms and his relief is palpable. “You’re right, Noah. Love isn’t easy but it’s always worth fighting for. Worth making it right. I messed up. I pushed Rafa away instead of fighting, instead of remembering all the ways that I love him. I’m so sorry.”
Noah nods into her shoulder, squeezing her tighter.
. . . . . . . . . . . .
The only flight he could find was for first thing the next morning and Rafael had debated if he wanted to just rent a car, drive the 16 hours because he can’t sit still. He wants to pick up the phone and call her, force Noah to talk to him but he knows he needs to say the words face to face.
He needs them.
More than he’s ever needed anything in his life and if that means accepting what Stabler is in her life then he’s going to because living without her?
He can’t.
The rain had started about an hour ago and it’s deterred him enough from walking the streets, landing in a bar to drink all the regret away. Rafael contemplates pouring a drink now when the buzzer to his apartment breaks through the silence. He flicks on the intercom. “Who is it?” The system crackles and hums distorting the person on the other end. He buzzes them in anyway waiting by the door for the sound of the elevator. Taking a peak through his peephole, the doors slide open and everything stills.
He’s swinging the door open and Noah is standing there, soaking wet his bag slung over his shoulder. “Mijo? What?”
“I know it’s complicated but it’s also worth fighting for. Us, we’re worth fighting for, Uncle Rafa.”
Rafael pulls him into his arms, soaking wet and all, exhaling for what feels like the first time in weeks.
“I’m sorry for the things I said to you-”
Shaking his head, Rafael kisses the side of his head. “-don’t be sorry, Mijo. It was how you felt and I’m sorry I made you feel that way. I love you so much, Noah. I should have said the words, made it clear to you that I’ve always wanted to be more than just Uncle Rafa.”
“I’ve always wanted that too,” Noah admits, his voice catching in his throat.
The water is seeping through his own clothing but Rafael doesn’t care.
It’s the most he’s felt in weeks.
Noah notices the luggage in his entryway and pulls back. “Were you going somewhere?”
Wiping his eyes, he looks back at the luggage. “I booked the next flight to Manhattan….I messed up, Noah. You and your mother….I should have stayed. I’m so sorry.”
The elevator chimes again and Liv steps off carrying her own bag just as soaked, if not more than her son.
He presses a kiss to Noah’s forehead before closing the distance between them. The water clings to her eyelashes and her hair is stuck to her forehead and Rafael’s certain she’s never looked more beautiful.
“I’m sorry,” she chokes out.
“I’m sorry too.” Framing his hands around her face, he brings her lips to his, kissing her there in the hallway of his apartment building.
“I love you,” he breathes between kisses.
Sliding her arms around his neck, Liv presses into him, wet clothes and all. “I love you too.”
“I shouldn’t have left-”
“-I shouldn’t have pushed you away.” Liv burrows her face in his shoulder and his fingers are in her wet hair, his arm around her waist holding her to him so tightly. “This is worth it, Rafa. We’re worth fighting for, I know that now.”
Pulling back, Rafael holds her face between his hands. “You’re worth it,” he corrects. “You deserve the world, Liv.”
“I just want you,” she whispers. “Just you.”
He nods, pressing his lips to hers again in a kiss.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Noah sits at his island, pyjama clad and dry, a mug of hot chocolate wedged between his hands and Rafael sits across from him with his own mug. “You quit dance.”
“….it was the only thing I felt I had any control over.”
“I’m sorry that the past few weeks have been so hard on you, Noah.”
He helps himself to a few mini marshmallows, dropping them into his mug. “What happens now?”
“We keep working on this,” Rafael answers. “Our relationship. I want you to be able to come to me, with anything, Noah. I want to be someone you can trust, someone you can count on.”
“I have plenty of Uncles….I want more than that.”
Reaching across the table, Rafael squeezes his forearm. “I want that too. I want to be the father you deserve.”
Liv joins them in the kitchen having caught the tail end of their conversation and she wraps her arms around Noah, planting a kiss to the top of his head, meeting Rafael’s gaze.
“And my first act of fatherly duties is calling your dance teacher in the morning and telling them you’ll be back next week.”
Noah smiles, nodding. “Ok.”
“My second act? Hug your Mom. Tell her you love her.”
Spinning on his seat Noah wraps his arms around her and Liv sifts her fingers through his damp curls, cradling his head to her like she would when he was just a boy.
“I love you, Mom.”
“I know, babe….though it’s nice to hear it sometimes. I love you too.”
“And now for my third act.”
Noah laughs, turning to look at him. “You’re taking this way to seriously.”
Finishing his own mug of hot chocolate, Rafael places the mug in the sink circling the counter. “There isn’t anything I’ll do in this lifetime that is anymore serious than being your father, mijo. Bedtime.” His new apartment is only a one bedroom and the pullout couch he has is less than desirable, but if Noah minds, he doesn’t show it as he helps him make up the bed. “Ok, all set. Need anything else?”
Climbing under the covers, Noah shakes his head. “Love you guys.”
Liv bends to give him a kiss on the forehead. “We love you too. Sleep well.”
Rafael flicks off the light on the end table. “Te amo.” Liv’s already made her way down the hall towards his bedroom and he follows, closing the door behind him gently. Her duffle bag lays on the floor and there looks to be enough clothes in if for a few days.
They’ve got time.
“How thin are these walls?” She questions.
“Not enough to scar our son.” Flicking off the lights Rafael climbs into his bed with her, loosing his clothing. There will be time to explore, for him to take his time and taste every inch of her.
Tonight’s not that night.
Settling beside her in nothing but his boxers, Rafael meets her lips in a kiss. It’s all tongue and teeth and there’s no subtly in it, no gentleness and Liv’s throwing her leg over his hip, pulling him into her body. He rolls his hips against her core, sliding his hand under her shirt to cup her breast earning a soft moan into his mouth.
Her hand slides between their bodies right to his cock and he shamelessly pushes his hips into her hand encouragingly. She’s got him hard in only a few minutes and Rafael slides his own hand down the front of her pyjamas into the waist band of her panties.
“Yes,” she sighs softly into his mouth.
He strokes through her folds gently, finding her wetness, coating his fingers in it. “This okay?” He breathes against her lips.
Liv nods, sliding her own hand into the waistband of his boxers. Wrapping her hand around him, she gathers the dribbles from his tip smoothing it over him. “Tell me this bed isn’t creaky.”
“It’s brand new,” he answers, reaching over her to his nightstand. He fumbles for a condom, rolling it over himself as she rids herself of her pyjamas and Rafael rakes his eyes over her.
“You’re so beautiful, Liv.”
She’s pushing his boxers down, rolling over onto her back and Rafael settles in the cradle of her body, slipping inside. Pressing his lips to hers, he stifles both their moans as he rocks into her. Liv wraps her arms around his neck, pulling him closer and Rafael lowers himself so that their bodies are pressed together and it’s absolute heaven.
“…you feel amazing, Liv…I’ve never felt….” He buries his face in her neck, stifling his moan.
Hooking her legs around his back, Liv presses her lips to his shoulder because it’s too much. It feels like everything is going to explode and yet soothe everything inside of her at the same time.
It feels like home.
Her orgasm comes unexpectedly and she’s shaking from the inside out and her muscles are tightening and relaxing and his lips are there, catching the moan as it slips from her lips.
“Shhhhh, cariño,” he soothes.
She feels it, the minute he lets go and it sends her over again and he’s trembling, trying to support his weight so that he doesn’t crush her and Liv doesn’t care, urging him to lay on her. His face burrows into her neck and his breath is warm, rapid and Liv can feel his heart beating just as widely as hers is.
He continues to thrust gently, wringing it all out and if Noah wasn’t just down the hall she’d encourage him to keep going, beg him to make her come again.
When his breathing eventually evens out, Rafael lifts his head from her shoulder, trying valiantly to make his muscles support him long enough to meet her eyes. They’re closed, and he brushes a finger gently down the bridge of her nose causing her to smile softly. “You ok?”
Liv nods, opening her eyes to his. “Perfect. You?”
“Perfect,” he echos.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . .
It isn’t lost on her how much has changed in the last 24 hours. Just yesterday, she was laying in her own bed with tears trickling down her face not sure if she had literally just lost the love of her life or not. Now, Rafael’s curled into her back, his arm slung protectively around her middle and his leg wedged between her own.
She’s pretty sure she’s never going to let him go again.
Rolling over he immediately adjusts, curling her into his chest and hell if it doesn’t make her grin a little.
“Morning,” he mumbles, pressing a kiss into her hair.
“Morning,” Liv greets back, tipping her face into his neck. He’s more than a little stubbly and she can smell herself on his skin. Sliding her hand under his shirt Liv caresses his chest, loving the smattering of chest hair there.
“…time is it?”
“Early.”
“How’d you sleep?”
“Better than I have in months.”
He lets his hand trail through her hair, down her back and back up again. “Good.”
“Rafa?”
“Mmmm?”
“What happens now?” He’s quite for a minute and she adjusts herself to look up at him. “I want to make this work.”
“So do I,” he reassures. “Right now, I’m going to make you and Noah breakfast, then I’m going to show you around town. Tomorrow? We’ll let Noah pick as long as it’s in the city and we can get a hotel, two rooms.”
She smiles, the blush creeping up her neck.
“The day after that? You’ll probably have to go back to New York and it will be hard but we’re going to make it work. A month from now, I’ll be back in Manhattan and we’ll all be under the same roof. And after that?” He twines his fingers with hers, bringing their joined hands to his lips. “I’m going to buy a ring, and convince you to marry me.”
“Promise?”
“Promise.”
. . . . . . . . . . . .
“So it wasn’t that complicated then?” Fin jokes, watching Liv and Rafael slip out onto the patio.
“Oh, it was pretty complicated,” Amanda offers, sipping her drink.
Sonny joins them, Nicky asleep on his shoulder as he sways back and forth. “They making out again?”
Amanda laughs and Fin shakes his head, sipping his own drink. “They can’t keep their hands off each other. I think I liked it better when they were yelling at each other.”
Amanda gives him a look. “You don’t mean that. Look how happy they are. How happy Noah is.”
Liv and Rafael are being anything but subtle as they make out on the patio, Rafael’s hands roaming dangerously over her body. Noah is smiling, hanging out with Jesse and Billie.
“And to think, they almost didn’t have it all,” Sonny adds.
“To almost,” Amanda toasts, clinking her glass with Fin’s.
The End