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Dick didn’t move when the door to his room opened. The harsh lighting of the Watchtower’s med bay stung his eyes as he pulled his eyelids apart, and he looked at Superman through the corner of his eyes. Though, it wasn’t really Superman. His suit was replaced by a regular t-shirt and jeans, the type of clothes you’d see regular Clark Kent wear as he came over to the Manor to take Dick out for a flight. But there were no glasses in sight: Dick was no fool, this was still Superman staring at him.
“Hey,” Clark said. His voice made Dick wince, and he looked away. That was the voice he reserved for scared civilians. The people who needed comfort, who were in shock. Who needed Superman.
Dick didn’t need anyone.
“How are you feeling?” Clark asked, moving in closer. He stopped by Dick’s bed, his hand floating above the railing where Dick woke up to find himself cuffed just hours before.
“Fine.” Dick said, forcing himself to look up. Meet his eyes. Show no fear. But there was only kindness there, no bloodlust. Nothing dark. “My tests came back fine.”
“They did.” Clark agreed. “You’re not surprised.”
“No, I’m not.”
It was quiet for a moment. Clark sat down, ran a hand through his windswept hair. There were no drugs in his system, and other than the wound he got when Superman intervened, and bruises, he was unharmed.
Slade wanted him at his best. Dick learned early on to not fight it.
“Bruce hasn’t come to see me.” Dick said at last.
Clark sighed softly. “He’s...not sure if that’s wise.”
Dick laughed humorously.
“Robin, I need to know what happened.” Clark said.
His voice lost that soft edge, his eyes sharpened. Dick’s back straightened and whatever expression took over his face made Clark flinch. There was another pause.
“You had the chances to contact us.” Clark said finally. “We could’ve gotten you out of there sooner. Why didn’t you?”
Dick looked away, back out to the dark abys of space. He could’ve escaped at any time. Slade made that fact well known. But he also made it known that Wally would replace Dick, and he would be far less lenient when it came to the speedster’s treatment.
Dick would do anything to protect Wally.
“I’m tired.” Dick said softly. “I’m going to sleep.”
“Robin,”
“Please, Kal.”
Clark was silent. The stars outside twinkled in the darkness.
“I’m sorry.” Clark whispered, wished him a good rest, and then left the room quietly.
Dick maneuvered himself to lay down and closed his eyes, so his tears didn’t fall. He grew used to keeping his tears hidden in the few months Slade had kept him prisoner.
_-_
There were few days where Slade let Dick rest. Even injured, Slade always expected his best, and soon Dick learned how to deliver that. Slade only left him alone when he misbehaved too much. It was a punishment without any real pain, and yet it became the worst one that Dick could imagine. He found himself craving the pride in Slade’s eyes, the praise he’d get when he did something right. He hated how much he wanted it. Hated Slade and hated everything Slade made him do, hated everything he stood for.
Yet he wanted his approval.
The few days that Dick was confined to the Watchtower’s med bay felt like torture. Several days of minimal contact with the heroes he once called friends, heroes who now looked at him with hidden mistrust. Clark visited him every day, and sometimes he brought gifts, or he’d read a book, tell a story from his day. It made Dick feel less alone, but then that question would enter his eyes, and Dick would feel like the entire time was a rouse to get him to talk. To open his mouth, talk about Slade, why he stayed when he could have left.
Finally, on his sixth day out of Slade’s grip – though he had only been awake for four of them – instead of Clark walking through the med bay doors, it was Bruce. He looked awkward, though no one would see it through the batsuit. No one but Dick.
Dick wanted to demand where he had been. Why had he woken up alone, chained to a bed? Why had Bruce taken so long to visit him? To make sure he was okay with his own two eyes? Dick remembered the way Bruce had held onto him, pressing his hands into his bleeding side barking an order at him to hold on just hold on Robin, while the Justice League apprehended Slade just a few feet away from them.
I’m Renegade, Dick had wanted to spit out past the blood and bile rising in his throat, because that’s what was expected of him. Because Slade’s expectations needed to be met, or else Wally would be in Dick’s place.
Instead, he cried. Loud and ragged and inhuman.
Save me, he had thought for months on end, Savemewhyhaven’tyousavedme-
“You look well.” Bruce said gently, and Dick looked away, ashamed. “How are you feeling.”
“He threatened the Team’s life.” Dick replied, voice a whisper. “I had to stay, B. I had to, or he would have–”
“That isn’t what I asked.” Bruce cut in. “How are you feeling, Robin?”
Dick looked up. Bruce had removed his cowl in the few seconds Dick had looked away. He looked tired, like he hadn’t slept for weeks.
“I’m okay.” Dick whispered, trying his best to not cry. Slade didn’t like it when he cried.
Bruce kneeled by his bed, reached up slowly, and cupped his cheek. He smiled, a soft, happy thing. “Welcome home, son.”
_-_
Early on, Slade knew to not try to earn Dick’s trust. Didn’t do the typical mind games that Dick had expected, not in the beginning. He was cruel because he could be, because Dick was trapped. He was without his gear, without his identity, stuck in a room that made his skin crawl because he knew Slade was watching, knew he didn’t look away.
The mind games came later. When he stared being kind at odd moments. Fond. Acting like he was some fatherly figure instead of a captor. And it worked, eventually. Dick wanted to make him happy, wanted to make him proud, because proud words were better than the cruel ones he had grown used to.
Wally had always been the target.
Dick didn’t tell anyone this. He told Bruce about the breach in their secret identities, he told the League about the training and the hardship he had been forced to endure. He told them about the multitude of safehouses he had been moved to, the way he had been forced to be complacent due to the threats to the Team’s life – threats that Slade could make good on.
“I knew you’d get me out of there eventually.” Dick had ended the report with.
The Justice League had looked crestfallen. Diana had put a hand on his shoulder and apologized for leaving him there for so long.
“What’s a couple of months,” Dick had laughed. “I’m fine.”
_-_
Bruce benched him.
He wasn’t allowed to leave the Manor without Bruce or Clark with him. He wasn’t allowed to see the Team. His phone blew up with their messages and Dick had been forced to wave them off, because really, he was fine. They didn’t know the reason for his disappearance, and Dick was thankful for it. The idea of them knowing he was stuck with Slade Wilson for five months made him feel sick. They’d think he was weak.
He was strong. He was fine.
Wally didn’t believe him. But it wasn’t like he could do anything about it, either. No metas in Gotham.
_-_
“You can do better than that, apprentice.” Slade tsked.
Dick winced as his arm was pulled tighter in the grip Slade had locked him in. Panic threatened to close his throat, but he fought it off. Slade didn’t like it when he panicked. Panic clouds your thoughts, and Dick was only supposed to be perfect. A perfect weapon.
I can’t do better, Dick thought, he was doing the best he could.
Slade made the grip tighter, as if punishing him for the thought. Dick scrambled his feet, trying to break the hold, and got rewarded with a harsh pull of his shoulder. He let out a cry, and Slade dropped him instantly, as if afraid of hurting him.
Dick pounced on him, as quick as he could. Strike where it matters, where it hurts. The kidneys, the knees, get him down, get your hands around his throat, kill him–
Slade slammed his head down into Dick’s, and Dick stumbled back, disoriented. He felt blood rush from his nose, and his vision blurred as Slade pinned him down. He didn’t struggle. He knew there was no way out of this hold.
“Good.” Slade said, pleased. “I’ll make a killer out of you yet.”
Dick blinked his vision back to focus and looked at Slade. There were bruises starting to form around his neck in the shape of Dick’s fingers. With Slade’s healing, it would be gone within the hour.
_-_
“How have you been?” Clark asked.
He didn’t seem surprised that Dick was in his dark apartment, nor did he seem frantic that he had been here alone for any period of time. Then again, Clark had super hearing and wasn’t an overly protective dad like Bruce.
“I want to get back out on the field.” Dick said.
Clark shrugged his coat off with a sigh. “Dick, you know Bruce has to approve that.”
Dick rolled his eyes. “It’s been two months. Slade is in jail. Why can’t I go on missions with the team?”
“Because,” Clark drew out, smiling at him kindly, “You haven’t been cleared.”
“By Bruce? He’s never gonna clear me, Kal.” Dick rolled his eyes.
“By Dinah,” Clark corrected, “Who you’ve been avoiding.”
Dick sat down on Clark’s couch. Clark watched him for a moment before walking to his kitchen and put a kettle on the stove. Dick watched as he got two mugs down from his cabinets, followed by tea bags and sugar.
When Clark sat next to him, it was with warm tea and some cookies. “Ma made them yesterday.” He said, as if he needed to try to make them seem more appealing.
It was quiet for a few minutes, Dick content to stay silent until Bruce showed up in a frenzy as he usually did. But Clark put his mug down and looked at him with concern.
“Why don’t you want to talk to Dinah?” Clark asked.
“What, so she can tell me there’s something wrong?” Dick replied, “I already know I’m not fine, Kal.”
“She can help. We can help.”
“No, you can’t.”
They’d think he was weak. If they didn’t already. And Dick was better than that, Slade made sure he was better than that.
“I’m not weak.” Dick said. “This is what I was trained to do.”
“We don’t doubt that.” Clark agreed. “Dick, would it really be so bad to talk to someone?”
_-_
“I don’t know what you want me to say.” Dick said.
Dinah watched him for a long moment. “Where would you like to start?”
Dick shrugged, looking down at his fingers. He picked at his cuticles, dug his fingers into his nail bed.
“Bruce won’t let me see anyone.” Dick muttered.
“And how does that make you feel?”
“Like you all see me as a liability. Like I’m weak.”
“Why does being perceived as weak bother you, Robin?”
“Because…” Dick paused. He swallowed, tapped his feet. He looked outside of the room, where the rest of the Mountain base resided. He hadn’t been here for months and the first time he’s allowed back, it’s for therapy. “Because Slade wouldn’t have allowed it.”
Dinah let out a soft breath. “Would you like to talk about that?”
No, he wouldn’t. He’d like that to go down in just his and Slade’s memory.
“He was training me to be a killer.” Dick reported, “He tried various ways to break my will, but he failed.”
“And what did those…ways include?” Dinah asked cautiously.
Love, threats, pride, hate.
Dick crossed his arms and he leaned back in his chair. Dinah took the action for what it was and smiled at him kindly.
“Okay, we can take a break.” Dinah said softly, “Thank you for coming, Robin.”
_-_
“Yo, dude!” Wally yelled, “It’s been so long, see you got a few more inches on you.”
Dick smiled, shoving an elbow in Wally’s side, “You’re one to talk, beanstalk.”
Wally laughed and looked up at the stairs. “Your room?”
Dick looked over to where Bruce and Barry were watching them. He nodded his head and started over to the stairs. It was a quiet walk to Dick’s room, and upon reaching it, Wally closed and locked the door.
“What the hell is going on?” He asked, “Are you okay? How are you holding up?”
Dick shook his head, shrugging. “I’m fine, all things considered.”
Wally took his hands, and Dick stopped breathing at the contact. He closed his eyes, trying to hide how much it was affecting him. Wally just being here, alive and well.
Slade had promised a much worse outcome.
“They wouldn’t tell me what happened,” Wally said softly, “I had to go through Barry’s things.”
“I’m sorry.” Dick whispered.
Wally tugged him into a hug. His arms shook and his lungs stuttered on his next breath, and Dick clung to him. He inhaled the smell of ozone that clung to Wally, and held on tighter.
“I’m sorry,” Wally replied, his voice breaking. “I should have been there!”
“No,” Dick said harshly, “No, you shouldn’t have.”
Wally buried his face into Dick’s neck. He let out a sound similar to a cry, and Dick felt like he couldn’t breathe. This was the best outcome. Wally wouldn’t have survived with Slade. Not in the way Dick learned to.
“Why did you stay so long?” Wally demanded, “You’re Rob, you could’ve gotten out.”
“I had to stay.” Dick whispered.
“No, you didn’t! What, did you stay to protect your identity?” Wally pulled away from the hug, and Dick stared at his flushed face. He wiped at the tears on his friend’s freckled cheek. “Why, Dick?”
Dick looked down. “He threatened someone. I had no choice.”
Wally made a sound in the back of his throat. “Who?”
Dick looked at him, really looked at him. At the red hair, bright green eyes, and the pale, freckled skin. He felt the warmth of Wally’s body through his clothes and tightened his hold on his waist.
He’d do anything to keep him safe.
Dick raised onto his toes, closed his eyes, and leaned in. Wally backed off just as their lips brushed, and Dick watched as his look of shock turned into one of realization. Anger and sadness morphed across his face, and then he turned around, and he was gone.
_-_
Dick was cleared to return to the Team after three weeks of therapy. Wally and him spoke, but it was tense. They pretended the almost kiss and the information Dick revealed hadn’t happened. The Team celebrated his return, and Dick played up the cover the JL made for him of an injury keeping him benched. Protective Batdad, and all that.
Their first mission with him back was less than smooth. He wasn’t used to working with a team after all this time. During the briefing afterwards, he expected his punishment to be announced. Slade wouldn’t have let any mistakes go unpunished, successful mission or not.
He told no one this.
Wally texted him like normal. He went to the Mountain once a week for missions, and the Team treated him as though he had never left. They were pretending everything was normal, and Dick was too.
_-_
“How have you been doing?” Clark asked gently.
Dick smiled, shrugging. “Fine.”
An eyebrow raised, and Clark smiled. “Really?”
“I mean, yeah.” Dick said. “Why, did B stick you on me again?”
“No.” Clark laughed, sending a mirthful look at Bruce. “I’m just checking in.”
“I know Slade escaped from prison.” Dick said. Clark stopped laughing, Bruce stopped typing. “Did you really think it would hold him?”
“No,” Bruce recovered the quickest, already back to writing his report. “No, we didn’t.”
Clark sighed softly, “We wanted to be the ones to break the news. How did you find out?”
“I watch the news.” Dick deadpanned. He fiddled with his fingers, “And, you know he won’t be happy.”
“We have people watching the Team.” Bruce said. “They’re all staying in the Mountain until we can confirm their safety. They will be fine, son.”
Dick closed his eyes. “He’s not after the Team.”
Bruce turned around in his chair, narrowing his eyes. Clark looked surprised.
“Then who.” Bruce demanded.
Dick wanted to be strong, wanted to hold his gaze. He looked away anyways, and whispered, “Wally. Just Wally.”
“We will be talking about this,” Bruce said sharply, folded his cowl on, and then he and Superman left through the Zeta. Dick watched them leave and looked to his Robin suit.
Slade wouldn’t be happy to see that he had returned to his old colors. He wouldn’t be happy that Dick didn’t try to get him out. But, Dick knew he expected these things to happen.
He wouldn’t do anything. Just the knowledge that Dick would sit here and panic would be punishment enough.
_-_
“I don’t know what makes you think I won’t try to get out of here,” Dick sneered at Slade, at the suit and gear offered to him.
“Oh, apprentice,” Slade sighed, “I know you won’t.”
Dick stared at him, pulled on is usual bravo. The cockiness the Team usually scolded him for got him out of a lot of situations, or at least gave him the upper hand.
“We wouldn’t want anything to happen to Wallace West, would we?” Slade asked. Dick froze, and Slade smiled, a cruel, twisted thing. “Your training starts today, apprentice, and I hope for dear Wally’s sake, you don’t disappoint me.”
_-_
“You didn’t tell anyone?” Wally asked, incredulous.
“I said he threatened the team,” Dick argued, “That’s not exactly a lie.”
Wally sat down on Dick’s bed. Wally hadn’t been in his room in the Mountain for a long time, and Dick wished he had tidied up a bit. He’d taken to using this space when he needed to get away from everyone. Especially himself.
The speedster just sighed and shook his head. “I don’t understand why you stayed.”
“I couldn’t have gotten away that easily.” Dick snapped harshly. “Thank you for your confidence, Wally.”
Wally ran his hands through his hair, “Yeah, I know! Okay, but – but Kf has so many enemies! What’s one more?”
“I didn’t say he was after Kid Flash, asshole.” Dick said. “He knew you!”
Wally looked shocked. “But, Dick, I could have–”
“No,” Dick said, “No, I’m so tired of all of you saying you could have done something. That I could have done something. You weren’t there, Wally, I was. I was there. This is my experience, it’s not yours. And yeah, I didn’t fight as much as I could have because I wanted to keep you safe. What the fuck is so wrong with that?”
“I would have taken your place in a heartbeat!” Wally shouted. “I don’t care how bad it was, I would have done that for you! To keep you safe, because I love you. What’s so wrong with that?”
“Stop it,” Dick said, “Stop it, Wally.”
“No,” Wally replied. “You need to rely on me too. We can keep each other safe. You can’t do this, Dick.”
Dick wanted to reach out. He wanted to hug him, hold him, kiss him. But he didn’t want to face that rejection again.
“Get out, Wally.” He said quietly. “Please.”
“No.” Wally murmured, “We’re going to face this together, okay?”
“Okay.” Dick replied.
They were quiet for a moment. Then, Wally twisted, raised his hand, and cupped Dick’s face. He trailed his thumb along his cheek, his eyes searching.
“I’m sorry.”
“I know,” Dick murmured.
Wally leaned forward and kissed him.
As Dick wrapped his arms around Wally’s neck, pulled him closer, cherished the touch, he thought that things would be okay.