Work Text:
He should be doing better.
By all accounts; his work has picked up, the amount of lectures Kshahrewar scheduled him to teach has grown, and, Alhaitham and him were official. Finally.
So why does he still wallow in a dark pit of deep self-resentment?
Why does just staring at his work make his frustration want him to yank his hair out?
The students often showed him their works after class. He remembers when he was the one showing the plans of his opus - his palace of Alcazarzaray - bright-eyed and proud when his work was met with astonishment. But the projects now - these students were exceptional . Every. One.
Or maybe his luck has just run out. Maybe his ideas have plateaued - maybe he had just been run of the mill in an indistinguishable cohort.
The title light of Kshahrewar would be given to any of these youth before it would ever reach him, had he been in the Akademiya still.
He should be proud of them, but all he could feel was bitter - bitter that he was given such fame when clearly, he was just a fluke. What credit did he even have to teach them? Gods, the amount of things he learned from them made him guilty with embarrassment.
He sulked in his room the entire day, only having stepped out this morning - after Alhaitham left him miserably alone in his junior's bed and called (ordered) Kaveh to emerge for breakfast. He was sure the man could sense his defeat, but Alhaitham only stared at him with a tight-lipped frown and said nothing.
It's okay. Kaveh didn't fault him. He knew Alhaitham struggled with voicing things. Not that he wanted Alhaitham to scold him. Or even pity him.
Alhaitham left shortly after - gone to hold the reigns of Sumeru another day.
Kaveh locked himself away, sketching commission after commission. Unimpressive, boring - were these really the best he could come up with? He felt his cheeks burn with shame as tears sprung from his eyes. They stained his blueprints, giving him an excuse to toss them into his bin - not that he wasn't going to anyways. He started again, but every time seemed worse than the last. He felt the pencil between his fingers rub his calluses raw.
He only put it down when he heard loud knocking on his door. Kaveh glanced beside his desk, at his window - sky having turned pink as the sun hung low in the sky.
Another day wasted again.
He rubbed at his eyes before walking over, hoping the puffiness wasn't too obvious. It definitely still was, but maybe they would have the courtesy to ignore it.
Alhaitham only looks at him with concern when he opens the door, before holding his arms out, letting Kaveh crash into them. The blonde threw his arms around the man, pulling him tight as he felt sobs wrack his body again. All he does is cry.
He was so tired.
He tried to say anything - "How was your day, Alhaitham?", "Sorry for having to ruin the night like this.", "I'm nothing anymore -", but his throat closed and he could only manage soft hiccups.
Alhaitham grazed his fingers along Kaveh's back, humming softly in the way Kaveh knew his grandmother used to. He had done it on occasion with Kaveh, and it always proved effective - maybe more so than it had ever been on Alhaitham, himself.
Alhaitham had seen Kaveh ride the highs and lows countless times. He was there when Kaveh shook him awake in their dorm to show off the original concept of the Palace. He was there when Kaveh overdosed back in the Akademiya, after he was outed twice in the same day. He was there when Kaveh lay slumped across the bar counter, homeless and exhausted.
"Kaveh," he murmurs, moving his hand to stroke at the blonde's tresses. "Please come eat, and then I'll rest with you."
Alhaitham doesn't plead - he doesn't beg or grovel - but for Kaveh he was damn near close.
Kaveh nods against his chest. His head hurts but he doesn't dare complain any more - less he brands himself as some whore for Alhaitham's attention.
He quietly sits at the table as Alhaitham sets a dish in front of him. His eyes are too unfocused to make out the meat and vegetables, but he recognizes the Fatteh at the side of the plate and his heart aches.
He knows it's not Alhaitham's favorite thing to eat, yet he made it anyways. For Kaveh.
And all Kaveh's done is sob in his arms.
"How," Kaveh clears his throat, voice shaky and quiet, "How was the Akademiya today? Any good proposals?" At least try to engage, don't have the shitty relationship your parents did.
Alhaitham looks up at him after making sure Kaveh has taken a bite of his dinner. "It was alright," he answers. He drops his own fork into the food and raises it to his lips. Right, Alhaitham wasn't a fan of work talk. That's okay, Kaveh wasn't either - albeit because the mention of any of his past expenditures forced him to notice his distinct lack of progress - but still.
Huh. Kaveh hadn't noticed earlier but Alhaitham's headphones weren't sat on his head like normal.
He swallows another bite of food as he points to the younger man's head. "What happened to your headphones?"
Alhaitham looks over to the door, where his bag is slung onto the floor. His face grimaces as he recounts, "I dropped them in the House of Daena this morning, and a young scholar crushed them under her shoe as she ran to class." He frowns slightly. "I wasn't able to use them today."
Kaveh's lips purse and he curses at himself for not focusing more on the other. "Are you okay? I know the noise can be a lot." Some boyfriend he was. He had seen firsthand the overwhelming panic that swallowed his junior when they were students - when they entered noisy places. Kaveh knew Alhaitham struggled with the overstimulation - but was that enough, just to know?
"I would have mentioned it if it had upset me," Alhaitham replies steadily, sincerely looking at the blonde. "I was alright today, it was quiet. But you,"
Kaveh pushes himself up from his seat as he cuts Alhaitham off, saying how he was going to fix his headphones after dinner - and that it was the least he could do. Alhaitham didn't argue, only watched him silently.
Kaveh collects their empty plates and puts them in the dishwasher, before dashing to his room. He emerges a moment later with a small wiring kit.
He picks up Alhaitham's bag, bristling slightly at the heavy weight, bringing it over and collapsing down on the divan near where Alhaitham has settled with a book open.
He tugs out the squashed headphones, dropping them in his lap before he starts to pick at the wires. Kaveh remains silent as he works, the occasional sound of a page flip registering in his mind. He can feel Alhaitham's eyes watching him several times, but tries his best to ignore them.
When he finishes an hour later, he proudly presents the fixed pair to their owner.
At least he can still do basic wiring, Kaveh thinks. How low he's fallen - to think such was an achievement?
However, Alhaitham gently takes the headphones from Kaveh's hands, murmuring a soft thank you, before leaning in to kiss the blonde on the cheek.
Such intimacy was still new for them, meaning it warms Kaveh's heart all the more.
Kaveh leans in to place his own kiss on Alhaitham's lips, smiling at the flush on the man's ears.
"Bed?" Alhaitham asks, closing his book, setting it and the headphones on the coffee table. He rests a hand on Kaveh's cheek and tucks a loose strand of hair behind his ear.
Kaveh's stomach buzzes happily as he agrees, following Alhaitham into the darkness of his room.
----
Alhaitham had left early the next morning. Something about a potential sage meeting. All Kaveh knew was he couldn't will himself out of bed until it was past noon. His lips were cracked and his eyeliner was smudged - after not having washed it off last night. He wasn't hungry or thirsty - or at least not enough to distract himself from what he should be doing. He trudged over to his room and stared, standing in the doorway.
His failed drafts lay crumpled everywhere. He must have knocked his pens over as they lay spilled all over his desk and the floor. Kaveh doesn't move an inch into the room, just stands and looks.
How has he let it get this bad?
He knows how. He works until he's tired, and hates himself until he's motivated to repeat the cycle.
And it's happened over and over, there's no way he can break free.
Kaveh slowly lowers himself, curling into a ball on the wooden floor, bringing his knees up to his chest. He doesn't cry, he just stays and thinks. Regrets.
What would his mom think? Does he care? Should he?
Does Alhaitham care for or pity him? Kaveh's need for reassurance must be annoying to the man by now, he doesn't understand why Alhaitham plays along.
He misses Alhaitham. He wants the man so much, it would make the other sick.
He can feel his stomach cursing at him, growling loudly at some points, but he can't muster up the energy to get up. To care.
He lays there until he hears the jingle of Alhaitham's keys, and the closing of the front door.
The first thing Alhaitham always does when he returns is look for him.
Why?
Alhaitham finds him on the ground, eyes crinkling with something akin to fear (why?) at first, before he squats down near the blonde. He reaches a hand out and lays it across Kaveh's forehead, sighing in relief as Kaveh's eyes flicker open.
"Kaveh, I," Alhaitham pauses, moving his fingers to feel under Kaveh's eyes - devoid of their usual tear tracks. "I don't understand. I need you to help me."
Kaveh rolls himself over so he's at least looking at Alhaitham, reaching out to grab the man's ankle and just hold it. Alhaitham's warmth is comforting.
"I shouldn't feel this way, 'Haitham," Kaveh whispers miserably. "I have so many things others would want." His hair is flat and dull, missing its usual healthy shine and signature pins as it splays across the hallway's tiles.
Alhaitham doesn't reply right away, but gently slides his hands around Kaveh's back and under his knees, picking the blonde up and carrying him to their couch. He rests Kaveh's head in his lap. It felt awkward to say aloud, but feeling Kaveh's weight against him was grounding - reassuring .
"You don't need a reason to feel upset." Alhaitham says it because he firmly believes it, too - he's seen it on everyone he knows - he's seen it on himself.
Kaveh just stays silent and closes his eyes.
"I want your safety, Kaveh," Alhaitham admits, hesitant that the other could take that the wrong way.
The architect just nods. He can't blame Alhaitham for being worried. His track record isn't great. "I wouldn't do anything like that," he replies, more to console the other than to be honest.
Alhaitham just looks at him unbelievingly.
"I'd rather you tell me you were struggling and come to me, than try to hide from me." He sighs, pushing Kaveh's bangs back so he can look at the man. "Talking to me helps soothe my mind as well. It's not selfish."
Kaveh can feel the lump in his throat grow.
Alhaitham's come to him when he's been upset - not that it was super frequent. And- And Kaveh used to confide in Alhaitham. Now, it just feels wrong. Pushing all this onto Alhaitham? Why would he do that to someone he loves?
"I don't want to worry you," Kaveh says, and Alhaitham just shakes his head.
"I'll worry anyway."
Kaveh opens his eyes and scrutinizes Alhaitham's expression, trailing a hand up to rest it flat against the man's stomach. He can feel Alhaitham's steady breaths under his fingers, and counts along with the exhales until he's confident his voice won't crack.
"Was I ever even exceptional, Alhaitham?" Kaveh asks half-heartedly, eyes lingering on Alhaitham's throat as he swallows. "The students are far more skilled than I ever was - am I spent?"
Alhaitham traces a hand down Kaveh's jawline, pressing against his dry lips. "You are under restrictions, now. Students may come up with whatever the mind imagines." He falters, wiping an eyelash from Kaveh's cheek. "Being an adult is living with yourself even when you can't reach unachievable goals."
The blonde shivers at the soft touches. "I can't even design anymore. None of my drafts look remotely appealing or worth the title - my title!" Kaveh's voice raises at the end, which he immediately feels guilty for. Alhaitham's not his enemy, why would he yell at him?
"A title means nothing, Kaveh," Alhaitham retorts, pinching gently at his cheek. "That's not to say you didn't earn it - but that's all it is. It isn't something to defend."
Kaveh only stares helplessly up at the man above him.
"Sometimes, the title of Acting Grand Sage makes me uncomfortable," Alhaitham confesses, sounding slightly sheepish. "Many people expect an older, warm, more welcoming person, and get disappointed when met with me."
Furrowing his eyebrows, Kaveh frowns. Alhaitham's never said anything along those lines before to him. He had assumed, well, that Alhaitham ignored criticism - that it didn't bother him. "But you're a reasonable Grand Sage. You work constantly - hell, you went in for a meeting before dawn today!"
Alhaitham's lips quirk up, like he was expecting such a response. "And you're a great architect - Light of Kasharewar or not. You design draft after draft, and lose sleep stressing over your clients. You support your students, and they're flourishing from it."
The words ring in the air as Kaveh's mouth falls open slightly, before he clicks it shut, looking away.
"So, yes, you're allowed to be upset and frustrated," Alhaitham reiterates, leaning down to press a kiss on Kaveh's forehead, "but your accomplishments will never go away. You have gotten this far for a reason."
Kaveh doesn't respond - only buries his face into Alhaithams' lap, wrapping his arms around the man's waist.
It feels like hours go by as they stay together, until Alhaitham pats his shoulder and eases him off. The younger man heats up leftovers from their fridge as Kaveh lays his head against the dining table - half asleep.
Alhaitham nags him until Kaveh eats most of it, and helps the blonde to the bathroom to rinse his face and clean off his old makeup. When Alhaitham's wiping at his eyes, Kaveh hesitates.
"You never told me you were bothered by the reputation of Grand Sage," Kaveh remarks, thoughts lingering on earlier. Alhaitham's hands pause.
"It doesn't make me dejected, per se," He replies after a moment, grabbing a new wipe and moving to dab at Kaveh's other eye. "Irritated, maybe. There's no one way to be Sage, so facing such scrutiny often is annoying."
Kaveh laces their fingers together once Alhaitham throws away the last wipe. "That sounds upsetting," the blonde affirms, quiet if Alhaitham wishes to elaborate further.
Alhaitham does, but not before squeezing Kaveh's hand tighter. "If it helps you be more forthcoming with sharing your own feelings, I will try to share my own - however meaningless they tend to be."
Kaveh frowns at the comment. "You should just tell me anyways. I worry about you too, especially when I'm not confident what does bother you."
Alhaitham just nods along, muttering out an 'okay ', and Kaveh doesn't push. Instead, he tugs the pair out of the bathroom and into the familiarity of Alhaitham's room.
Kaveh pushes Alhaitham down on his side of the bed, before climbing over the younger to lie beside him on the other side. He grins at Alhaitham's protests, and quips that Kaveh can just 'walk around', instead of 'practically knee-ing him in the ribs.'
He knows Alhaitham is smiling too.
Kaveh kicks his pants off - unable to stand the feeling of the thick fabric against him when he sleeps, and he can feel Alhaitham doing the same. When Alhaitham throws his dirty shirt in Kaveh's face, though, he lets out an indignant squawk, before playfully knocking his shoulder against Alhaitham as he throws the cloth to the floor.
He finally settles under the covers facing Alhaitham, reaching his arms out to wrap around his partner and intertwining their legs.
Kaveh can sleepily feel as Alhaitham peppers his face with small kisses, and quiet "I love you's", which Kaveh reciprocates with a harsh press of their lips together, before promptly passing out.
-----
Alhaitham drags him out of the house early the following morning, despite it being a weekend. Kaveh complains half-heartedly the entire way, especially when Alhaitham starts jumping his way through branches up one of the largest trees in the city - The Divine Tree that shades the whole of their home.
He isn't made for the climbing life, Kaveh laments, and graciously takes Alhaitham's hand when offered. Alhaitham helps push him up several times, not that Kaveh would ever affirm that fact, until they reach the very top.
Kaveh glances down at the city below them in awe - the faint sounds, the small people. The breeze ruffles through their hair, and he can see leaves dancing along with the gust.
He looks back up to see Alhaitham pulling his headphones off, before pointing at a spot behind Kaveh. The blonde carefully turns around before his expression softens.
An easel had been set up, resting against the rising branch, allowing a perfect view of the nation below them. A box sits at its base, filled to the brim with small acrylic paints and brushes - that Kaveh rushes over, as quick as he could without slipping, to examine. One of Alhaitham's arms shoots out to wrap around his waist, clearly worried that Kaveh will fall in his haste. He's about to question what kind of setup Alhaitham's brought him to when the man holds out a blank canvas in his free hand.
"I thought a change of space, and some freedom could help," Alhaitham states as though it were fact, but the hesitant squint in his eyes that Kavehs learned to identify gives him away - he's nervous.
Kaveh pulls the canvas from Alhaitham's hands carefully, resting it on the easel and grinning.
"It's perfect, Alhaitham," he promises, turning and hugging the man tight.