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Ed didn’t really want to bug Lieutenant Hawkeye when he knew she must be buried in paperwork from the horrific afternoon events. They’d shaken Al a lot, especially knowing there was nothing that could be done for Nina. It messed Ed up to think about, too.
Nina was about his and Al’s age when their mom died. Maybe. It was hard to remember a time when he’d felt that young and carefree. In any case, Ed knew about tragedies coming too young. He’d just managed to survived his. He’d always hated his father for leaving him, Al, and their mom, but seeing what happened to Nina and Alexander — he’d realized there were much worse options.
Al suggested they go have tea with Lieutenant Hawkeye because they’d both been stressed from what they’d seen. Distressed might have been a touch more accurate, but Ed didn’t want to admit that. He’d only agreed to meet with Lieutenant Hawkeye because he enjoyed having tea and talking to her. It seemed like no matter the time of night, she was ready to sit and talk with them. He’d often wondered how much she slept, but it didn’t feel like something he should ask. He just accepted that her apartment was always open to him and Al on the rare occasion they chose to take her up on that. Ed refused to admit it out loud, but her presence felt both safe and calming – things Ed wasn’t used to anymore.
And Colonel Bastard was out of the question, so this was their only option.
Ed glanced at Al as they stood in front of the door. There was still time to go back to their hotel room and sulk in peace, letting the memories of the afternoon wash over them. Ed could still hear the words “useless” and “monster” floating inside his head. He’d been useless to save Nina, missing all the signs of a father too obsessed with alchemy to care about his child. Shou Tucker was a monster, but he claimed that he and Ed were one in the same, meaning Ed was also a monster. He sure felt monstrous when he looked at what he’d done to Al in his desperation to keep him close. When his mind drifted to Nina in her state…Ed didn’t really want to think about it. He knocked on the door to drown out some of his own thoughts.
The door wrenched open. “Colonel, I’ve told you there’s no need to worry, I’m fine . Just leave – Oh .” Lieutenant Hawkeye’s tone went from stern and harsh, eyes blazing with fury to surprised and soft in an instant. “Edward, Alphonse, I’m…sorry. I- That was out of line. I’m sorry you heard that.”
Ed still felt rattled by the unraveled quality in Hawkeye’s voice and actions. He’d heard her chastise, taunt, and lecture the Colonel before, but this felt like something else entirely. Her actions hadn’t been sharp and controlled. Her words were more defensive than calculated. She was out of uniform, hair down and a cardigan on her shoulders. It wasn’t the first time Ed and Al had seen her like this, but it was the first time Ed couldn’t marry the two sides of her together. The entire situation felt off .
Al recovered faster. “We can leave, Lieutenant. We don’t want to intrude on anything.”
“No, no,” she insisted, gesturing for them to come in. “It’s never an intrusion. I meant it – that you’re welcome here. I’ll…put a kettle on.”
Ed and Al sat at her table, Al practically taking up half the dining room. Ed noted the half empty bottle of whiskey on her counter, no glass in sight. Hawkeye noticed him, but she didn’t comment on it to draw further attention to the situation. He’d seen her with a glass of wine before, but that was the most he’d ever seen her drink. He knew the other members of her team liked going to bars and getting drunk as they talked about their escapades in the office, but Hawkeye had always been more reserved than that.
He filed the information away with the other strange occurrences that evening. Half a bottle of whiskey could explain her mannerisms, but then that opened questions about why she was imbibing so much that night. Especially on a work night – that wasn’t like the Lieutenant at all.
“So, what’s the Colonel done to upset you now? Not that I need a reason to be miffed at him, but we’ll back you up, Lieutenant,” Ed said, in part to show solidarity with her but also hoping to get more information of what was happening.
Hawkeye waved him off. “Nothing worth talking about.”
The phone began to ring. Ed and Al turned to look at it and then back at her. For a second that same anger she’d opened the door with flashed in her eyes. She walked over to it, and instead of answering, she unplugged it. The ringing halted instantly, and Hawkeye looked pleased with the result.
Al glanced at Ed before turning back to Hawkeye. “What if that was important?”
Hawkeye shook her head. “Believe me, it wasn’t.”
She moved back to the whistling kettle, pulling two cups out of her cabinet. Ed imagined something must really be pulling at her mind because normally she pulled Al a cup just so he could feel included. They all knew Al couldn’t drink any tea, but it gave him something to do with his hands and it helped him a lot.
Hawkeye poured tea into each cup before picking them up to bring to the table. As she passed it, Ed noticed her eyes flicker for a fraction of a moment on the bottle of liquor, but in the end she must have decided against it. Instead, she placed one cup in front of Ed and the other in front of Al, not forgetting his brother after all.
“I know today was difficult,” Hawkeye said, always straight to the point. “I’m assuming that’s why you’re here. Is there anything you’d like to talk about with the case?”
Ed looked down at his tea, watching his murky reflection on the surface. He didn’t really want to talk about it. He didn’t want to even think about it, but all of his thoughts went right back to Shou Tucker and Nina. How a father’s cruelty and alchemy could be so evil. It made him furious and devastated all at once.
Al’s voice was small, and Ed hated today for that, too. “Is there really nothing that can be done for Nina? She’s really stuck like that?”
Hawkeye’s eyes turned down to the table, but she’d never lied to them before and it seemed now was no exception. “Not that anyone is aware of. I won’t pretend to know enough about alchemy to make any of my own conclusions, but it seems no one has a solution for her situation.”
“Poor Nina,” Al whispered. Ed knew if his body had the ability, his brother would be crying. “It seems unfair that we can try and get our bodies back when she can’t.”
“It is unfair,” Hawkeye agreed in that quiet way of hers. It made Ed feel like she’d actually heard what they were saying, and that she had no intention of prying further than they wanted to give.
“I just don’t understand any of it, and it makes me sad,” Al said after a moment of silence consuming the room.
Ed hit his fist against the table, his own feelings bubbling up without anything to push them down. “It makes me angry . How could that bastard do that to his daughter? His own kid? I’ve spent my whole life studying alchemy, sometimes it’s the only thing that makes sense to me, but I don’t understand this . It reminds me of that bastard who left us.”
“Dad?”
“Your father?”
Hawkeye’s eyebrows furrowed for a bit. Most of their conversations had revolved around his and Al’s mom and her death. The military records had also indicated he and Al were much older than they’d been at the time the Colonel and Hawkeye had been sent to recruit them, so it seemed highly unlikely they had any sort of record of who their father was.
They’d never touched on Hohenheim in any of their talks before. Ed hated bringing the man up, but how could he not? He’d been an alchemist, too, and he’d decided whatever research he wanted to do for his alchemy was more important than his family. Ed would never abandon his family no matter how important he thought his research was.
“Yeah,” Ed gritted out. “We haven’t mentioned him much before.”
Hawkeye nodded. “You haven’t.”
It was an invitation, both to move forward or to stop if they wanted. There was something flinty in her eyes that made Ed pause. It almost felt like she was also more guarded than usual. He wanted to ask, but something in him wanted to get the Hohenheim bullshit off his chest instead.
“He was an alchemist, it’s why Al and I had enough books on hand to teach ourselves alchemy. He left us when we were little,” Ed revealed to her.
Al added. “I was so little, I hardly remember him at all.”
Ed clenched his fists on the table. “We were both little, and he just abandoned us and our mom. He didn’t come back even when she died. He went out to research something and just never came back or cared about the family he made.”
The Lieutenant’s lips pressed into a tight line. “You’re right to be upset about that.”
“Of course, I am! He chose alchemy over his family. I’ve always wondered who does that sort of thing, but now I feel like I can’t even ask something like that. He chose alchemy over us by leaving. I thought leaving was the most painful thing he could do, but then I see what Tucker did to Nina. We might have been left alone. We might not have a home or parents anymore, but at least Al and I have the chance to live and grow up.” He glanced as Al. “Well, a better one at least. The thought of hurting your own kid to further your research? Permanently changing them forever for something like alchemy. How can someone just do that?”
Hawkeye sighed, standing up from the table. Ed watched her walk to the counter, picking up the bottle before taking a glass from the cabinet. She poured some of the liquid in the glass, the color flashing in the light like her eyes. Hawkeye still downed the glass in one gulp, but Ed imagined that this still would come across more professional than if she’d drank straight from the body. He squirmed in his chair, and began tapping an erratic rhythm on his knee. He didn’t know what was coming, but if Hawkeye needed a drink before mentioning it, he wasn’t sure how much he wanted to find out.
The Lieutenant sat back down across from them, her expression serious. “There are good alchemists like Major Armstrong, and there are bad ones like Shou Tucker. There are also good and bad people , too. Then there are plenty who fall somewhere in between good and evil, fluctuating day by day. Those who are capable of great evil can also be capable of great good, and for alchemists, those possibilities can come with even greater rewards and consequences depending on how they’re used. Your father abandoning his family in the pursuit of knowledge doesn’t get forgotten or washed away because Shou Tucker was worse. The scars you have from that matter just as much.”
Ed heard the creaks as Al nodded his head. “I understand that, Lieutenant.”
“It’s hard to believe,” Ed admitted. “Al and I get to sit here talking to you about our dad being shitty, but Nina won’t have that chance herself. At least, not the same way we do. We should’ve known not to trust an alchemy obsessed dad. What good are they?” He noticed Hawkeye’s face twitch at that, but the next statement was already flowing from his mouth. “I don’t even know what good it is to talk about. We failed that little girl, even though we should’ve known better. I don’t think that feeling will ever go away.”
“It won’t,” Lieutenant Hawkeye whispered. “Every time you see an alchemist, you know what they’re capable of, but you hope for something better. You hope they’ll be better. But the only one you can be certain of is yourself and your actions. Both of you are capable of so much with the skills you have, but you have to keep deciding to use what you can do for good.”
Al looked up at the Lieutenant. “You must have spent a lot of time with the Colonel to know so much about alchemists. What they’re like.”
Hawkeye sighed. “Yes, I suppose working closely with an alchemist will give that perspective. We’ve also been tasked many times to bring alchemists who are more openly using their abilities to cause harm to justice. Sometimes, it feels like enough. But other times…”
Her voice trailed off as she looked away from them. The look in her eyes made it feel like her mind was a thousand miles away, in a different life. Ed’s eyes drifted to the bottle of alcohol, the amber whiskey doing nothing to dull the sharpness in Hawkeye’s eyes, to take the tension from her posture. He thought about how she expected the Colonel on her doorstep and had unplugged the phone that he imagined had kept ringing before he and his brother had arrived. A broad picture was coming into focus, the edges and details still blurred even if the idea was clear.
She made eye contact with Ed before taking a deep breath. “You know, my mother also died when I was very young. It was an illness too.”
Al jumped in immediately. “I’m so sorry, Lieutenant. We had no idea.”
Hawkeye smiled gently at him. “It’s okay, Alphonse. It’s not something I talk about often. I tend to keep the past locked away, but on a day like today, the past has a funny way of sneaking back in.”
Ed didn’t think it sounded very funny at all. “Was your father…around?”
“He was,” Hawkeye admitted, but her voice had hardened much like whenever Ed talked about Hohenheim. “I spent my entire life with my father up until he died around when I was eighteen.”
“That’s still awfully young, Lieutenant,” Al said. Ed could hear the frown in his voice.
Her smile became more rueful. “I suppose it is, but it always felt like an eternity to me. My father was also an alchemist, and to him, alchemy was the only thing that mattered.”
Ed wanted to argue that surely he must have cared about Hawkeye, but what right did he have to say something like that? His father hadn’t cared about him and Al, so why would Hawkeye’s father care about her. Why would Shou Tucker care about Nina?
“He rarely spoke to me unless absolutely necessary. We lived our lives separately. The only reason I knew he still lived in the house was because I’d bring him food, and the tray would be empty when I came to clean it. His entire life was consumed by his research,” she admitted. “He wasn’t interested in a certification like Shou Tucker, but I don’t believe he viewed family as something more important than his work with alchemy. I don’t think he necessarily looked at me as if I was a person he was meant to care for.”
Al sighed. “I’m sorry, Lieutenant. No one deserves that.”
She placed her hand on his metal arm. “You’re right. You and Ed didn’t deserve your father leaving. I didn’t deserve a father too obsessed with alchemy for anything else to matter, and Nina didn’t deserve to be used in her father’s experiment.”
“Why do they do this?” Ed asked. He could feel himself shaking from rage over the situation. Knowing that not only had he and Al suffered and then Nina as well, but now to know the Lieutenant had also suffered because of a father who was obsessed with alchemy. “Where does it end?”
Lieutenant Hawkeye smiled softly at him, moving to place her other hand on his arm, too. “It ends with you. With you and Al and everyone else who’s felt that same sting. It ends when we decide to do better than the people before us, both in taking care of those we love and in what we do with the skills we have.”
“And the other Nina Tuckers?” Ed asked, hating how broken his voice was. He hated that he knew there’d be other Ninas; he knew there would be.
She frowned. “The most unfortunate fact of life is that not everyone can be saved, and after that, it’s that most people will come out with scars regardless. Giving up won’t help the Ninas of the world, Ed. Even those of us who survived but are broken can still help make a world where these situations are rare.”
Ed couldn’t feel it at the moment, but he hoped that Hawkeye’s words would sink one day. “Did you father – since he stayed – did he ever try to…”
“Experiment on me?” Riza prompted, and Ed nodded helplessly. He wanted to know, to understand how much the Lieutenant had been through while still remaining so kind. Al seemed too shocked at Ed’s question to chastise him. But Hawkeye looked like she understood what Ed was asking.
She looked down at her hands, almost like she wished she had gotten herself a tea cup. “Not quite. He’d see if his research was going anywhere, and those experiments were frightening. Sometimes I thought I’d get killed in an accident from a miscalculated equation, but the experiment was never directed at me.” She closed her eyes and swallowed. Ed almost wanted to tell her he’d changed his mind. Whatever edge they were teetering on, it seemed almost too much. “You may have noticed that under my uniform, I always wear something with a high collar. Even in civilian clothing, I make sure my entire back is covered. Shortly before he passed, my father finished the alchemy he’d spent his life creating, but he didn’t trust code alone to keep it safe. He decided my back would be the canvas to his work, that I would guard it for the rest of my life.”
“No!” Ed shouted, horrified at what he’d heard.
“That’s terrible,” Al gasped at the same time.
Hawkeye’s sad smile remained on her face. “I believe in your own words, at least I’m still able to live my life?”
Al looked at the Lieutenant in alarm. “But he hurt you! And you have to live with it forever!”
“And so do you and Edward,” Hawkeye said calmly. “Pain is pain. Comparing it won’t take away its sting. But we keep moving forward in hopes that future fathers won’t be able to do this because we create a world that cares.”
Before anyone could say anything more, someone started knocking furiously on Hawkeye’s door causing them all to jump. “Lieutenant! Open up, or I’m coming in anyway!”
“He’d break the door down?” Al gasped.
Hawkeye rolled her eyes. “He has a spare key. Honestly, should’ve expected this when I unplugged the phone.”
She stood up and opened the door. Ed observed as the Colonel rushed in. The man normally had messy hair, but it looked like he’d been consistently running his fingers through it. He was in his dress pants and buttoned up shirt, but it was off by two buttons and the man either hadn’t noticed or didn’t care. Ed had never seen him so frantic and discomposed. Mustang’s eyes scanned Hawkeye before finding the bottle on her counter like Ed had, and then widened in shock at Ed and Al sitting at the table.
He attempted to stand up straighter with a cocky grin, but Ed could still see the worry in his eyes. “Ah, Fullmetal. Alphonse. I didn’t expect to see you here.”
“I could say the same, Colonel,” Ed smirked.
Mustang grit his teeth. “Well, it was a hard day with extra work on this case. I was just here to see if the Lieutenant was getting on with her portion of the reports just fine.”
He glanced in her direction, and she just raised an eyebrow at him as if to say really? Ed had always given the Colonel a hard time, often finding the man insufferable and egotistical, but the side of him that would rush to his Lieutenant’s side out of worry was new. Ed wondered how many people actually got to see this side of him. He must have known about Hawkeye’s past. The phone calls, Hawkeye’s initial frustration, and his appearance all pointed to him knowing and being worried about how Hawkeye would handle what happened to Nina.
Ed was proud to follow a man with that kind of side – even if he would never openly tell the Colonel that.
“It’s alright, we were just leaving for the night,” Ed said, standing up.
Hawkeye looked at him. “Are you sure, Ed? Al?”
Ed scoffed. “Of course, we’re sure. Besides, the Colonel looks ready to burst. Probably best to chat with him, too. I know I feel better now.”
She smiled at the two boys and thanked them for coming over. She did her usual speech about being welcome at any time, and they made their way back into the hall. If Edward saw the Colonel pulling the Lieutenant into a hug as the door closed, that was just another thing he’d keep to himself about that night. Just like the alchemy Hawkeye had on her back. He had a theory about that. It strengthened every time he saw the two interact with each other. The theory was confirmed in the caverns below Central without the words being explicitly stated. But Ed knew what Hawkeye’s words meant.
And if that part of her was another secret Ed kept? So be it.