Chapter Text
To say Roy hurt was an understatement. It felt like somebody pushed his heart and soul down the stairs, stomped on them, stabbed them, and then returned them to his body, expecting him to function at one hundred percent.
It was almost impossible to get anything done during the rest of the day. News of Hawkeye’s discharge spread around the office quickly and nobody had the motivation to do anything at all. She had left immediately after his talk with her and didn’t want to say goodbye to anyone. Each member of the team met with Roy privately for confirmation and to answer the obvious question: what happened? Hawkeye was the hardest worker on the team and was insanely passionate about her job so to have her randomly be honourably discharged with nothing wrong with her was not something anyone believed.
Roy couldn't tell the real reason so “private reasons” was the best lie he could come up with in his current state. Of course nobody believed that but they didn't question him further.
He didn't stay late that night, even with paperwork due tomorrow. Screw the paperwork, he thought as the taste of whiskey touched his lips. He tilted his head back, allowing the golden liquid to trickle down his throat and burn every spot it touched. Fuck, that tasted good.
“You better be careful, chugging glasses like that,” the familiar voice spoke as they moved to join Roy at the bar.
Roy slid his empty glass forward, allowing the bartender to refill it. “Hey Madam Christmas.”
“Hey Royboy,” she said, leaning onto the bar top. “I take it that you're not doing too well?”
He let out a sarcastic breath. “Am I that obvious?” Chris just shot him a look and that caused Roy to chug down the entire refill.
“Did you tell her?”
His fingers squeezed the glass and he suddenly found the bar top’s texture fascinating. “Yes.”
Chris hummed. “And how did that go?”
Roy sighed. “About as well as you'd expect. She fought me the entire time.”
“Well, you are firing her.”
“Discharging,” Roy quickly corrected, hating the way she worded it.
Chris gave him a look. “You know how much she loves being there.”
Roy shut his eyes for a moment. “I know, you don't need to guilt me. I feel guilty as it is.”
“Feeling guilty means that you know what you're doing is wrong.”
His heart stung. “It's better for her mental wellbeing,” he argued. “I've tortured her enough.”
Chris didn't look convinced but moved on. “Did you give it to her?”
Roy’s eyes shot open but he couldn't look his aunt in the eye. “No…but it's a good thing that I didn't. I upset her…again.”
A fist slammed his way onto the top of his head. “Ow!” Roy held the hit spot and spun his seat to see one of Madam Christmas’ girls standing next to him with arms crossed.
Vanessa lowered her eyes. “You're a total idiot.”
Roy rubbed his head. “And that means hitting me on the head because?”
“Cause you're stupid,” Vanessa replied, like it was that simple of an answer.
Roy rolled his eyes. “I wasn't going to give her that after what I just put her through. I don't even know why I thought it was a good idea to begin with.”
“And here comes the sulking,” Vanessa sang, spinning Roy back and forth in his chair. “You do know that there's a woman who loves you, upset in her apartment right this second and where are you? Here, drinking your sorrows away at your pity party.”
He was not in the mood for this. “You realize that I'm the reason why she's upset, right?”
“Well duh, you just uprooted her whole life.”
She was right, but it didn’t mean she should say it. “Thanks Vanessa, I'm feeling so much better,” Roy muttered as sarcastically as possible.
“Anytime, Royboy!” Vanessa cheered before rubbing his hair, making it stick up in every which way. “Just give her the certificate before I lose my mind.”
Ugh. “I'm not giving it to her. I decided that she needs less of me. Not more of me.”
“Are you truly doing this for her or for you?” she asked. “Cause to me, it sounds like you’re trying to punish yourself more than anything else.”
Roy froze. He knew damn well that she was right, partly, anyway, but he didn’t deserve Hawkeye. He never did, but yet he was given the gift of her friendship, her partnership, and what did he do with it? Tortured her and dragged her through hell and back.
“I’d go to hell and back if you asked me to.”
Her voice rang in his head and he quickly shook it away before taking another glass of whiskey, chugging it down again. The other glasses had now caught up with him and left him with a nice dizzy buzz. Sadly, it was not enough.
“And this is when I step in,” Chris announced and yanked Roy’s glass away. “You’re too big for me to drag you back home.”
A tiny bit of annoyance filled him but Roy dismissed it. She was right. He didn’t need to be a burden to his aunt and the girls. They were here to help and the least he could do was act somewhat mature about it. “Apologies, Chris.”
“You know what would make me forgive you?” she asked with a knowing look on her face. “Giving her that damn marriage certificate.”
Roy breathed out, unconvinced. “I'll dispose of it instead. It's better that way.”
“You’ve always been so dramatic,” Vanessa said from behind the counter. She cracked open a pear cider. “That woman loves you, for better or for worse.” She took a sip.
Sometimes Roy truly didn’t know if she did. There were signs, of course, but neither of them had ever really talked about it. It was just something unspoken between them: that their careers and goals were more important than their own romantic lives. “All that matters to me is that she's safe. Whenever she's with me, she's in danger.”
“You think she cares about that?” Vanessa took another sip of her drink. “She's done so much for you. The least you could do is make her happy.”
Make her happy.
Roy wasn't sure if he could. He'd caused her nothing but pain since the day they met. “You both think it’s a good idea?” he asked slowly. “Even after what I did to her?”
Vanessa laughed. “If you don’t, then you need to stop coming here to sulk about her.”
Roy snorted, trying to ignore the embarrassment from spreading too much on his face. “Yeah, yeah, I get it.”
Vanessa leaned over the counter. “Like sure, she's upset now, but she'll feel better eventually.” She whipped her arm up, spilling a bit of her cider down her hand. “That's when you'll strike!”
He hesitated, still not fully believing her words. He didn't want to discharge the Lieutenant and then immediately ask for her hand in marriage. He was stupid, but he wasn't that stupid. “I suppose so.”
Chris took a seat next to him at the barstools. “You both made it this far. Don’t punish yourself.”
Roy breathed out and slowly lowered his shoulders down. Deep down, he knew he wanted to still have the Lieutenant by his side. He wanted that more than anything but he couldn’t keep her in harm's way. “I can't.”
Vanessa glared at him and slid along the side of the counter, heels clacking against the floor. “Don't make me bump you again.”
He sighed. “I don't know, I'll think about it…”
—-
Riza’s sleep was nothing short of crap, if she wanted to put it into words. She woke up to panic sweats multiple times every hour and thanks to the nightmares, had moments where she believed that the events that conspired weren’t real. Nope, she was living in the nightmares. When her alarm finally rang at five o’clock that morning, her stomach stung. Setting that alarm wouldn’t be a requirement any longer. She gazed at the ceiling. What should she do with her life now? How could she possibly go on? Without Colonel Mustang and the military, she truly didn’t know what else to do. How was she to live a normal life? Was that even possible for someone like her? Did she even deserve it?
Those dark thoughts came creeping back the longer she watched the ceiling tiles. It was as if the gun she kept under her bed kept whispering in a long drawled out voice.
Roy Mustang disposed of you because you were so pathetic. You have no one else who loves or cares for you. It would be better if you used me to rid yourself and of all the burdens you carry. Nobody would notice you gone. Not even him.
Riza ripped herself off the mattress and took some sharp, shaky breaths. She wiped her sleeve across her wet eyes and continued her morning routine as if she were going to work for some sort of normality. She refused to allow herself to succumb to the harsh emotions she was experiencing, even though she so badly wanted to. There had to be a way for her to jump back into the military. Maybe the Colonel would come visit today, apologizing for the harsh prank.
Her dry throat ached from the crying from last night so she took a couple of slow slips of water. She had only allowed a twenty minute time slot for crying and that was it. She forbade herself from being any more pathetic than she already acted.
It had been a good couple of hours that Riza spent stress cleaning her entire apartment. It hadn’t really needed cleaning but she found herself wandering around, tinkering with things, running a cloth across surfaces that were hardly dusty, and even washed a few of her civilian shirts. Something, anything, to keep her mind occupied.
She sat at the kitchen table with a mug of green tea but she truly didn’t have a single bit of an appetite. The warmth of the mug travelled through her palms and she found herself staring at one of the blank walls in her apartment.
What good are you if you’re not in the military? You really think that you deserve to retire and have a peaceful life? You’ll never rid the blood from your hands. You killed them, it’s only right that you kill your-
Riza jumped from the sudden banging on the front door.
“Rizaaaa! Open up the door!”
Her heartbeat pounded deep into her ears and she stayed frozen where she was. Goosebumps formed on her arms. She had to calm down.
There were more bangs on the door. “Don’t you dare play this game with me! Open the damn door or I will break it down!”
Riza inwardly groaned at that voice she recognized. There was no choice. She had to answer. Rebecca would no doubt get louder and aggressive. Wait, why was Rebecca here to begin with? It was quarter after eight. Shouldn’t she be at work?
By the time Riza managed to stand up and unlock the door, the knocks were constant and it actually did sound like they were to break through the wood.
Rebecca stood with her hair in its usual ponytail but her being in her civilian clothing was strange. “Rebecca? Aren’t you supposed to be at work?”
“Nope!” She furrowed her eyebrows. “I’m here to see what the fuck happened to my best friend! Miss Married to Her Work! Like what? You just dipped?”
Riza had no idea how to answer. She opened and closed her mouth a couple of times but couldn’t come up with anything. Luckily for her, Rebecca was in her ranting mood. She busted through the apartment on her own and began pacing. “The news spread around and at first I thought it was just lies to stir up drama but then each member of your team approached me, asking what the fuck happened, as if I were supposed to know.” She scoffed to herself. “So I went to find you but apparently you just left without a word to anybody! I tried to find your stupid superior but he was nowhere to be found either!” She turned to face Riza. “So? What the hell happened?”
Telling a lie would’ve been the smart decision but it was like she was frozen. Riza couldn’t push any words out. She couldn’t put on the usual “I’m okay” fake smile. She had been kicked out of the military and it was Roy Mustang who did it.
Her silence must’ve sunk in because Rebecca frowned in understanding. “Oh Riza...”
That alone was enough for Riza’s eyes to fill up a bit. She blinked harshly. No crying allowed.
“What happened?” Rebecca now had her hands on Riza’s arms. “You can tell me!”
Rebecca’s deep stare didn’t help anything. Riza gazed at a section of her floor, in hopes that would calm her down enough to speak. It began to work, but ever so slowly. Clearly it wasn’t fast enough for Rebecca as she stared for a few more seconds before talking again and Riza was ever so thankful. "I know you’re refusing to tell me anything, but did something happen between you and Mustang? Is that why he's kicking you out?" She then snorted. “What, did he ask to fuck or something and you turned him down? Cause you do know that you can get him in huge trouble for sexual harrassment.”
“Rebecca!” Riza scolded, not wanting to go down that route.
“What?” Rebecca laughed. “He’s petty that way.”
“Nothing happened.”
“Clearly something did because you being this upset means that this was not your choice. Which means that douchebag did it.” She eyed her. “And yes, he is a douchebag, asshat, bastard, manwhore, womanizing-”
“Rebecca-”
“Shh, I’m not done! Arrogant manchild, perverted little boy, prissy little sleaze.” She paused, counting each name on a finger. “And he’s not even good looking.”
Riza bit back a small chuckle at her friend's antics.
“There’s that smile!” Rebecca squeezed Riza’s cheeks but quickly let go before she’d get scolded again. “But seriously, fuck that guy. You’re finally free! It must feel good to not have to babysit that toddler anymore.” She eyed Riza at the silence in the room. "It does feel good, right?"
Riza sighed, knowing exactly where this was headed. "I don't want to do this now."
Rebecca rolled her eyes, clearly holding back. “Fine fine, consoleing first. Then I'll bug you. But seriously, do you really want to be another one of his hoes? Don't think so! Disgusting womanizer."
Riza shook her head at the words coming out of her mouth.
“What! It’s true! Ugh, he pisses me off so much.” Rebecca then smiled. “You’re not his slave anymore! You don’t have to feed him, burp him, wipe his ass for him, or whatever other degrading thing he forced you to do!”
Riza shook her head again, giving the classic deadpan Riza stare. Is this what people thought her and the Colonel’s relationship was like? She knew it was something along that theme but didn’t realize how bad it had gotten.
“But anyway, now that you finally have free time, want me to set you up on a date? I know a few guys that might be your type this time! Take your mind off things?” Rebecca asked with sparkling eyes. Rebecca’s taste in men was… different, to say the least. Not that Riza doubted her friend’s ability to find men, but to find one worth more than a one night stand was questionable. “Ooh, it could be a blind date to make things fun!”
The word 'blind' triggered flashbacks of her and Mustang on The Promised Day, her being his pair of eyes while he shot flames. Then came the look of his blind eyes reflecting her own terror on her face. He looked so scared and helpless, a sight that she hardly ever saw on him. After all of that, they had come to terms with the fact that he’d be permanently blind. When Marcoh arrived with the Philosopher's Stone, she could see the tears in his eyes.
"Riza! Hey, hey!"
Riza felt herself being shaken which snapped her back to reality. Rebecca was studying her face. "You good?"
Riza swallowed the huge lump in her throat. "Yes."
“You started spacing out and breathing heavily… look, if the thought of a blind date freaks you out that much, I’ll introduce you to the guy first.” She hummed and let go of her. "Okay, how about this? Let's go shopping, get you some new sexy outfits. Then we can burn all your uniforms. Hey, don't give me that look, it's therapeutic!"
Riza truly didn't feel like doing anything but decided to go along anyway. Better to distract than sit at home and allow the thoughts to consume her. “Okay, I’ll go.”
“Yes!” Rebecca cheered and then pointed a finger. “But don’t think this means that this conversation is over. You’ll have to tell me what happened sooner or later or else I’ll have to bug Mr. Douchebag himself.” She poked Riza lightly on the arm. “And I’ll give that arrogant prick a piece of my mind!”
“I know,” Riza nudged her, biting back a smile. “Let’s go.”
Rebecca marched on, still blabbing away about how much she hated the Colonel.
“And seriously, his dick must have been in every girl in Amestris by now! So fucking nasty! He did you a fucking favour if you ask me! Get you outta there before he tries to woo you too. You deserve much better to even be associated with that obnoxious pig.”
Riza eventually broke and actually smiled a true smile. She was so thankful to have Rebecca in her life.