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Buck and Bobby have shared many frankly insane moments together over the course of knowing one another. Hell, just recently, they stole a whole ass fire engine from a television set, and used it to block traffic so Athena could land a commercial jet. That night? Absolutely nuts. And that’s a drop in the bucket, really.
So this? This moment? Really shouldn’t be much of anything.
And yet Buck thinks he’d take a crashing jet, an earthquake, a mudslide, you fucking name it, over this. Just to spare himself the utter emotional breakdown in front of the man he respects most in this world. Oh, and his boss. Because that is important, in this instance.
Here’s what happens.
It’s Bobby’s second shift back as captain of the 118. First call of the day. It should have been a routine medical call, but the caller wasn’t clear about the nature of the emergency, so Dispatch sent the fire engine and the ambulance. The caller, who tripped while using garden shears, gave themselves a pretty significant wound, made worse by flailing and panicking. Bobby asked Eddie to assist in the ambulance. No biggie. Happens all the time.
What doesn’t happen all the time is someone accidentally pressing the transmit button on their radios during what is absolutely supposed to be a private conversation in the ambulance. Like, one Bobby and especially Buck definitely aren’t meant to hear.
It’s just the two of them in the engine, plus the engineer, Paulson, in the driver’s seat. Paulson is sort of an odd duck. He’s an older guy. Worked at the LAFD longer than anyone Buck knows, except maybe Gerrard. He mostly keeps to himself. Drives the engine. Listens to his mystery novels in between calls. Buck knows almost nothing else about him, despite more than one attempt at friendly conversation.
Point is, it’s the three of them, riding in relative silence back to the station, when the radio crackles to life in their ears.
“-not as simple as just telling him, Hen,” Eddie’s voice fills Buck’s headset. “He doesn’t know I’m gay and he has a boyfriend.”
Buck’s jaw drops. His brain is pretty much the equivalent of a smartphone without cell signal. Zero bars. SOS.
Gay? Eddie is gay? When did that happen?
Bobby whips his head around to look at Buck. Eyes wide and concerned.
“It’s not about me,” Buck blurts.
He’s not sure why he says it. Not sure why it’s the first thing that comes to mind to say. But he feels the need to put that out there. In case Bobby was… Worried?
Bobby winces. “Buck…”
“It’s not!” Buck insists.
“Well, both those things are easily resolved,” Hen’s voice adds. “You know he’d never choose Tommy over you.”
Hmm. That’s considerably harder to deny.
“Do we know someone else dating a Tommy?” Buck asks.
Bobby sighs.
He lifts his radio to his mouth. “Guys, this is an open channel.”
Buck’s face starts burning. Fuck. Shit. Fuck. Eddie’s gonna know he heard. About… Well, about something that might not be about him even. But the whole gay thing… Obviously he didn’t want Buck to know. Why didn’t he want Buck to know? Hen and Chim and garden shears guy can know but not Buck?
There’s a long peel of silence from the other end of the radio.
“Gossip on an open channel,” Paulson sighs, shaking his head. He’s missing the plot a little.
“Uh, Cap,” Chim eventually cuts in. “How much of that…”
“Enough,” Bobby replies, wincing a little.
“And I’m guessing that…”
“Yep,” Bobby confirms. “He heard it.”
No, no, no. Don’t imply about him. Don’t do that.
“Okay,” Hen cuts in. “Traffic’s bad tonight, Bobby. It might take us longer getting home from the hospital than usual.”
Buck looks out the window. Traffic isn’t great. But it’s also not… Unusually bad? It’s Los Angeles standard?
“Understood, Hen,” Bobby replies. “No rush.”
No rush? They’re firefighters. What’s going on?
Bobby lowers his radio and turns back to Buck.
“That wasn’t about me,” Buck says again.
Bobby scratches his forehead. “This is going to be a long shift.”
“It wasn’t!” Buck insists.
Bobby looks at Paulson. “I’m going to take us offline. Do you mind if we make an extra stop?”
Paulson just shrugs. “Whatever you want, Cap.”
▪️▪️▪️
Twenty minutes later, Buck and Bobby are sitting at a picnic table out front of a fast food joint not far from the station. Bobby sat Buck down, told him to breathe, and returned a few minutes later with onion rings and milkshakes. He offered some to Paulson, but the guy has chosen to stay in the engine, listening to his audiobook.
So Buck is scarfing down onion rings like he can beat down the rising nausea in his stomach.
Buck’s brain feels like a record scratching over and over. He doesn’t understand what just happened. He feels dangerously close to crying.
“What’s going on in your head right now, Buck?” Bobby asks, watching him with a carefully neutral expression on his face.
What’s going on in Buck’s head? Everything. Nothing. Too much.
“You don’t wanna know,” Buck admits, with his mouth full.
“Yeah, that’s not like you to say,” Bobby replies. “So I definitely do.”
Buck shakes his head.
“Listen, Buck,” Bobby says. “I know this is a lot. But if this is how you’re feeling, imagine how Eddie is feeling? When he gets back to the station, he’s probably going to be very upset and anxious. So freak out to me now and get it out of your system.”
So that he doesn’t make Eddie feel bad. Right. That makes sense. God, of course he doesn’t want to make Eddie feel bad. Does he have questions? Yes. Several. Is he, like, upset? No! No, obviously not! He’s fine. Totally fine.
“Maybe…” Buck scrambles for words. “Maybe I could go home sick?”
“Sick?” Bobby asks.
Buck nods.
“Mhm. Yeah. Sick. I think I have…” Buck’s brain completely fails to supply a plausible illness. “Tetanus?”
“Tetanus?” Bobby parrots.
“Crap, no. That’s stupid,” Buck admits. “Stomach bug?”
“Buck,” Bobby says. “You’re panicking.”
“Am I?” Buck asks.
“Yes,” Bobby replies. “And listen, I get why. That wasn’t ideal.”
“No kidding,” Buck grumbles.
“But it’s okay,” Bobby says gently. “It’s all going to be okay. Well, once it’s done being awkward.”
Buck furrows his brows. He takes a long, deliberative sip of his milkshake. Strawberry flavored.
“How the hell is it going to be okay?” Buck asks him once he’s done thinking. “This is, like… This is a disaster, Bobby.”
“I don’t think it is,” Bobby replies.
“I wish I had tetanus,” Buck groans.
“Buck, I know you’re not upset that Eddie is gay,” Bobby says.
“Obviously not,” Buck agrees. “Wait. Did you know?”
“No,” Bobby assures him. “I didn’t know.”
“You’re so calm,” Buck says.
“Well, Buck, I can’t say I have much personal stake in Eddie’s sexuality,” Bobby says. “Unlike you, evidently.”
“What? Me? Stake? There’s no stake. What stake? What are we? Investment brokers?”
Bobby sighs. “You’re going to make me walk you the whole way?”
“Walk me where?”
“Come on, kid,” Bobby pleads. “Don’t play dumb with me.”
Buck takes another long sip of milkshake.
“Okay,” Bobby capitulates. “We’re doing this the hard way then.”
“The hard way?” Buck echoes.
“I’m not speaking to you as your captain right now. Is that clear?” Bobby says sternly.
“You’re not?” Buck asks.
“No,” Bobby shakes his head. “Right now, you’re not my employee. I’m not your boss. I’m just someone who cares about your happiness and Eddie’s happiness.”
“My happiness and Eddie’s happiness,” Buck repeats dumbly.
“Exactly,” Bobby nods.
“Okay.”
“So, assuming we heard everything over the radio correctly,” Bobby says. “Eddie is gay.”
“Eddie is gay,” Buck repeats.
“You didn’t know that,” Bobby assumes.
“I didn’t know that,” Buck confirms.
“But he seems to have told Hen and Chimney,” Bobby says.
“And the garden shears guy,” Buck points out. “Don’t forget him.”
“I don’t think he’s too important, Buck,” Bobby says softly.
“More important than you and I,” Buck grumbles.
“I think that’s the opposite of the truth and you know it,” Bobby replies.
Buck considers this. Considers his own experience. Eddie knowing had seemed scarier than other people knowing. He didn’t care about the way everyone else found out. Eddie, though… Well, that mattered.
“Yeah, okay,” Buck concedes. “You’re right.”
“I know,” Bobby nods.
Okay, well… No need to gloat.
“The reason it seems he didn’t tell you is because he has feelings for you,” Bobby continues.
Well, see, no. This is where they disagree.
“No,” Buck shakes his head.
“No?” Bobby questions.
“No,” Buck confirms.
“He said there was something he couldn’t tell you because you didn’t know he’s gay, and you’re dating Tommy,” Bobby says.
“We don’t know that that was about me,” Buck raises a finger. Like he’s a very stupid scientist with a very stupid hypothesis. “He never said my name.”
“Buck-”
“And Tommy is a very common name,” Buck keeps going. “Abby’s ex before me was named Tommy. Super popular name, Thomas. Wait… You don’t think Abby dated my Tommy, do you? No. Wait. The point is, anyone could have that name.”’
Bobby rubs his temples. “Buck, for the love of god…”
“It can’t be me!” Buck says emphatically. “Bobby, you don’t get it.”
“What don’t I get?” Bobby asks.
“Eddie can’t feel that way about me,” Buck says. “He just can’t.”
“Okay,” Bobby frowns. “Why not?”
“Well, for one thing… I’m dating Tommy!”
Bobby looks like he’s smelled something sour. “And that makes a difference? Really? It’s Eddie.”
“I-I know it’s Eddie!” Buck protests. “Obviously, I am very aware we are talking about Eddie!”
“You’d really rather be with Tommy?” Bobby asks. “That’s a serious consideration?”
“I thought you liked Tommy,” Buck avoids the question. “You told me you liked Tommy for me. Remember?”
“Yes, I do remember saying that,” Bobby concedes. “My information has now changed. I like Eddie for you better.”
This is crazy. It’s crazy that they’re discussing this. Like it’s, what? Within the realm of possibility? Something Buck is allowed to consider? Allowed to want? Buck can’t… He’s not supposed to.
“Are you assessing this fairly?” Buck asks.
“What?” Bobby asks.
“A-are you, like, really thinking about what’s best for me? Or-or are you just on Team Eddie?”
Bobby scowls a little. “What is this? Twilight?”
Buck goes a little red.
“Of course I am thinking about what’s best for you, Buck! Believe it or not, I spend more time thinking about that than for the average employee.”
Oh. Buck didn’t know that.
“Bobby, this can’t really be happening,” Buck pleads with him. “This is like… A mistake, right? A misunderstanding?”
“What if it’s not?” Bobby asks gently.
Buck takes another sip of his milkshake. What if it’s not? Doesn’t Bobby see why that’s such a cataclysmic thought?
“I hated it,” Buck admits quietly. “When Tommy and Eddie became friends.”
Bobby narrows his eyes a little. “Okay…”
“I was jealous,” Buck says. “I didn’t understand why… Because… People are allowed lots of friends. I have more than one friend.”
“Right,” Bobby nods.
“But that’s… That’s not why I hated it. I wasn’t jealous of their friendship.”
“I got that,” Bobby says. “You know, when you started seeing him.”
“Yeah, but…” Buck exhales heavily. “But, Bobby it wasn’t just… It wasn’t just about Tommy.”
“You don’t say,” Bobby replies.
Buck gapes at him.
“You forget, I’ve seen you both this whole time, Buck,” Bobby says. “I happen to work with another set of best friends under me. The emotions have never been this… Complicated.”
Buck knows he’s blushing an embarrassing shade of red.
“So then why is this an issue now?” Bobby asks.
Fuck. That is a great question.
“Tommy is the safe option,” Buck says quietly. “The one I can’t ruin my life by messing up.”
“Ah,” Bobby says, nodding. “I see what you’re saying. Eddie means too much to risk?”
Buck nods.
“Well, I’m sorry, Buck,” Bobby continues. “That’s bullshit.”
“Wh-what?” Buck demands.
“My… My feelings are bullshit?”
“Not your feelings,” Bobby shakes his head. “Your method of acting on them.”
Buck scoffs, but he doesn’t quite know how to respond.
“You’re essentially saying, it’s safer to be with Tommy, because you can imagine a life without him, not Eddie?” Bobby asks.
Buck nods. “Well, yeah.”
“That’s what I’m saying is bullshit, Buck,” Bobby clarifies. “That’s the exact wrong reason to be with someone.”
“You don’t… You can’t…” Buck wrinkles his nose, frustrated. “It’s complicated!”
Bobby snorts. “You think I don’t get that, Buck? I get it better than anyone.”
Buck frowns. “Uh, no offense, but have you had a midlife sexuality crisis? Because maybe not.”
Bobby rolls his eyes. “I mean, I get better than anyone how tempting the safe option is when you’re afraid of losing someone.”
Buck doesn’t reply. He feels like an idiot. Yeah, of course Bobby knows. He knows better than anyone.
“I don’t know if I told you,” Bobby says. “Or if Hen told you… Because I only told her. But I almost ruined my relationship with Athena when she asked me to move in with her.”
“R-really?” Buck asks.
It’s hard to imagine anything ever coming between the two of them. He knows, of course, that all relationships have their challenges. Even if Bobby doesn’t share his with Buck. But to him, the two of them have always seemed so solid. He can’t imagine Bobby almost ruining anything.
“Really,” Bobby nods. “She asked me just before our first Christmas together.”
“Wait,” Buck says. “Isn’t that when you proposed?”
Bobby smiles, like he’s remembering the day.
“Yes. It is.”
“I don’t understand,” Buck admits.
“Well, when she asked me, I sort of panicked,” Bobby explains. “A lot of that was guilt. Feeling like I didn’t deserve a second chance at a family.”
Buck frowns. He hates that Bobby ever felt like that. Back then, and more recently too.
“But also,” Bobby continues. “Moving forward, taking that step? Terrifying. I’ve been faced with losing Athena a handful of times now. And every time… Well, it’s hard to imagine surviving that again.”
“But you proposed,” Buck says. “So obviously you got past that.”
“Yes and no,” Bobby replies. “I’m still scared of losing her all the time. Loving someone that much? It’s scary. And I know you know that.”
Buck thinks of watching Eddie get shot in front of him. Of watching the earth close with him underneath it. Or of the panic he felt when Eddie said he was leaving the team. Worse, when he was mad at him after the lawsuit, and wouldn’t talk to him. Losing Eddie is the worst case scenario. It always has been.
“Staying alone would have been safe,” Bobby continues, seeing his words having an impact on Buck’s face. “Protecting myself from caring more, and potentially hurting more. But I never would have been happy, Buck. For all the fear, there has been so much happiness.”
Buck takes a shuddering little breath he doesn’t mean to let out.
“I don’t think I’d be unhappy with Tommy,” Buck says. “But…”
“But it’s not as happy as you could be,” Bobby says.
“No,” Buck agrees. “Eddie’s… It’s different. He’s…”
Bobby nods. He knows.
“So, what are we doing here, kid?” Bobby asks. “At the end of the day, the only thing you need to be worrying about right now is how to make him feel better about what just happened.”
About what just…
Oh.
When Eddie outed himself accidentally via radio. And implied his feelings for Buck. God, yes. Eddie is probably losing his mind.
“And we’re absolutely sure it was about me?” Buck asks. “Like beyond a shadow of a doubt?”
Bobby’s expression flattens. “Buck, I swear…”
“Sorry. You’re right, you’re right.”
▪️▪️▪️
Admittedly, just because Buck knows what he has to do, doesn’t mean he does it well. He’s still nervous. Like, incredibly nervous.
It takes the ambulance a while to get back from the hospital. Buck has a sneaking suspicion they also stopped and let Eddie panic. He can’t blame them. Eddie actually has far more cause to panic than Buck, to be fair.
When they do get back, they don’t get a chance to talk. Not really.
Eddie walks up the loft stairs, sees Buck anxiously cleaning what was already a decently clean kitchen, and they both freeze.
“Hi,” Buck says, cleaning spray gripped tight in his hand.
“Hey,” Eddie replies.
“Garden shears guy okay?’ Buck asks.
Stupid. Fucking stupid. Now Eddie’s going to think Buck is pretending he didn’t hear what he heard.
Eddie blinks. “Uh, yeah. No. He’ll be okay.”
“That’s good,” Buck exhales. “Yeah… Garden shears. Nasty stuff, man.”
“Buck,” Eddie says.
“Sorry,” Buck mumbles, cheeks heating.
“Can we talk?” Eddie asks.
Buck freezes. Can they talk? Well, yes. Technically. Buck knows what he wants to say even. Should they talk? Already? Buck isn’t so sure. There are, uh, loose ends that need tying up.
But Eddie takes his hesitance for rejection. Evidently. His face twitches, just a little. Sort of like he’s been struck.
“Whatever,” Eddie says. “It’s fine.”
“Wait, Eddie,” Buck interjects. “No, no, no. That’s not-”
But the bell rings, cutting him off.
Eddie turns and hurries back down the stairs without so much as a backwards glance.
How did Buck manage to mess that up so spectacularly?
▪️▪️▪️
It goes on like that for hours. Every time they might have a second of downtime to talk, another call comes through. Buck is half convinced Ravi is lurking nearby uttering the Q word.
In the meantime, Eddie hardly looks at him. Actually everyone hardly looks at him. With the exception of Bobby, who is acting like everything is normal and he didn’t totally knock Buck’s world off its axis with his stupidly wise advice. Ridiculous, honestly.
Buck knows he has to do something. Has to make this better somehow. Like, most importantly, he has to do his job. Fucking emergencies and people needing help. Why isn’t he an accountant or something? Right. Attention span. Overabundance of kinetic energy. Point is, he can’t abandon his job and pull Eddie aside to sort this out. He can’t leave to tie up those loose ends. But he can’t do nothing , either.
So he sends some texts. Like, some repeated texts. To the same person. And he waits to hear back.
Unfortunately, by the time night rolls around, and the calls miraculously slow down, he still hasn’t.
▪️▪️▪️
Buck is hiding on the roof, trying to make a phone call, when Eddie finally gets him alone. Not that it entirely matters. He’s not interrupting anything.The call goes to voicemail anyway.
“Can we talk now?” Eddie asks tightly, walking up to Buck. He’s got that tense, soldier-like posture that Buck knows means he’s holding everything he’s feeling inside. Buck hates seeing him like this.
Buck pockets his phone and raises his arms up, palms facing Eddie like he’s trying to ward off a snarling dog.
“No! Not yet!”
“Put your hands down,” Eddie practically barks. “I’m not going to jump you, Buck.”
Oh, Jesus.
“No, Eddie, I-”
“You know, I just want a chance to explain. I get that what happened was really awkward, but I promise it was more awkward for me. So, if you could just cut me some slack here, and-”
“EDDIE!” Buck cuts him off. “Just let me break up with Tommy first! Fuck!”
Eddie’s jaw drops.
“Sorry, what?”
Buck huffs, exasperated. “Obviously I know your day sucked more! I’m sorry! I’m super proud of you and all that stuff but I cannot talk about the rest while I still have a boyfriend and he’s leaving me on read right now. I don’t know about you, but I think he deserves a phone call, at the very least, so this is a really fucked up position to be in when all I want to do is talk to you.”
“Oh,” Eddie breathes. His voice is barely audible.
“Yeah,” Buck replies.
“Wow,” Eddie mumbles.
“Just to be clear, you were talking about me on the radio, right?” Buck asks. “Otherwise, this is super fucking awkward.”
“Of course I was talking about you. Who else is dating a Tommy?”
“Okay, so it is a common name,” Buck says.
“Among our social circle?” Eddie asks.
“Could be,” Buck says.
“Buck. Come on.”
“I didn’t hear my name and I don’t want to assume how you feel,” Buck says.
“Ah,” Eddie nods. His lip twitches a little. “Well, I’d tell you, but… We’re not talking about it while you still have a boyfriend, right?”
This guy.
Buck nods, shrugging a little. “Well, I’m still going to break up with him. I’m going to take the less safe bet.”
Eddie raises an eyebrow. “Less safe?”
“Yeah,” Buck says. “Because only one of you could really break my heart.”
Eddie’s eyes flicker with understanding.
“Well,” he says. “I never would.”
Buck exhales. “Good.”
Eddie begins to step forward.
“No!” Buck stops him again. “You should go away!”
“Are you serious?”
“Yep,” Buck doubles down. “If you come over here, I’ll kiss you. And neither of us wants that.”
“Speak for yourself,” Eddie replies.
Buck laughs. “Just let me reach him. I’ll end it. Then I’m… Then I’m yours.”
Eddie nods. “Okay. No mourning period?”
Buck shakes his head. “No mourning period.”
“I’ll talk to you soon, then,” Eddie promises.
“Talk to you soon,” Buck agrees.
And then Eddie turns around and walks away.
▪️▪️▪️
Soon comes eighteen hours later, in the form of a sleepless, frantic knock on Eddie’s front door and a lingering kiss hello.