Chapter Text
A bloodcurdling scream jolted Zeke awake. He'd barely registered what it was that woke him up when he heard the scream again. To his horror, he realized it came from the woman next to him.
"Selene, wake up!" He shook her, not as gently as he usually would. She needed to wake. up. "It's just a dream, whatever you're seeing, it's not real. C'mon little one, wake up!"
Zeke could tell the moment Selene returned to consciousness because she went stiff as a board.
"You're okay, I'm okay, Sandrock is safe. Everything's alright," he reassured her.
He could also tell the moment she processed what he said, as she all but flew into his arms. Zeke held her tightly against his chest, leaning over to switch on the bedside lamp before shifting to sit back against the headboard with Selene in his arms. She was trembling, from what, he couldn't tell. Unsure of what to do, Zeke tightened his arms around her and pressed a kiss to the top of her head while tracing patterns on her back. After a while of just sitting there, Zeke felt more than heard Selene whisper against his chest.
"I'm so sorry Sunlight, I couldn't hear you." He bent his head down, leaning in closer to hear better.
"I keep having nightmares." It was the smallest Zeke had ever heard her sound. He hated it. Selene continued, "They're almost every night. Or at least I think they are, cause I keep waking up so damned early, and if I try and fall back asleep, I can't get the most awful images and sounds out of my mind." She wrapped her arms around his neck, buried her face in the crook of it, and breathed deeply. "I'm pretty sure they're because of the Duvos thing, I never had them before it."
Oh. Oh. Little things Zeke had noticed over the past weeks clicked together. He'd known something was bothering Selene--she'd been off for weeks--but there had never been anything solid enough to pin down and ask about. Just a niggling sense that something was wrong. However, the admission of her nightmares and their timing was the piece of the puzzle he'd been missing. With that, it was glaringly obvious what he'd been noticing these past weeks.
"The nightmares are probably a symptom of post traumatic stress disorder, PTSD." Selene unburied her face to look at him in bewilderment. "Part of minister training is learning to recognize when someone is struggling because of a deeper mental health issue, then connecting them with someone who's trained in that area." Zeke continued explaining the process within the church for treating mental health. Usually there would be a recommendation to local therapists in conjunction with meeting with a minister if there were still matters of faith the individual wanted help with. Some ministers were qualified to treat various disorders, but it wasn't the norm. He also briefly went over some of the symptoms of PTSD and things that could cause it.
As he explained about PTSD, he could tell when some of the symptoms hit home. Zeke watched as Selene took in everything he was telling her, turning it over in her mind the way she did when presented with a potential project. While it would normally be endearing to watch his little builder's mind work, he was too distracted by how heavily her eyes drooped and how severe the dark circles under her eyes were. This was the worst he'd seen them, which led him to the startling realization Selene must have been using some kind of makeup to cover them up. How long had this been going on? His heart ached for her and the silent suffering she'd needlessly endured.
Oh my darling love, why didn't you say something? Even just that you couldn't sleep, it would have been something, I could have helped you so much earlier. But that wasn't who Selene was, Zeke knew that. She was fiercely independent--to a fault sometimes, like now--didn't like to impose on people, or do things that might make her a burden. Asking for help with something like this wouldn't be either of those things, but he knew that's not how she would see it. Peach, he wished she'd accept a fraction of the help she gave other people. Then again, that was probably incredibly hypocritical, coming from him. Selene heaved a sigh, pulling Zeke from his thoughts, then nodded against his chest.
"Right. So. This PTSD, how do I fix it?"
Frustration welled up in Zeke. It wasn't a foreign feeling in and of itself, but having that emotion directed towards Selene was surprising. Maybe it was just a lack of understanding of what PTSD was, even with his brief explanation. It wasn't necessarily well known. "It's not the kind of thing you just fix, little one." Zeke tried to keep his voice gentle, "PTSD doesn't just go away. It's the kind of thing you learn how to live with."
"No." It's so soft, Zeke almost doesn't hear it. "No. I can't live like this, I have to fix it."
"Selene-"
"You don't understand!" she yelled.
Hurt coursed through him. Selene never raised her voice at him, not like this. It must have shown on his face, because a moment later she looked stricken.
"Zeke, I'm sorry. You didn't deserve that, you didn't- I shouldn't-" she moved off his lap and scrubbed her hands over her face hard before twisting her hands in her hair.
The movement jiggled loose a memory of Selene doing something similar before Musa's visit, when she was terrified of not living up to the legacy of her mentor. It was entirely possible there were issues at play that went beyond her PTSD, or that were making the PTSD worse, somehow. Once again, he gently pried her fingers open to unwind the strands of hair from around them. Selene offered no protest or resistance, which was somehow more concerning than if she'd tried to shake him off. He'd finished her right hand and was almost done with the left when she spoke again.
"I can't do my job, Zephyr." Zeke didn't say anything, just squeezed her left hand in acknowledgement as he freed the last bits of hair. "I had to make a deal with Mi-an to get supplies from the Plateau. The one time I tried to go over there, the basket ride and everything wasn't too bad, but once we set down...I just couldn't do it, I had to leave right away. But I can't rely on Mi-an like I am, and I can't get the quantity I need through our deal either." Finally, she looked up at Zeke. Her eyes were glassy with tears, half closed with exhaustion, and full of despair and fear. "This- I can't live like this and be the builder I want to be. And if I can't be that builder-" Selene's voice cracked, and Zeke's heart along with it.
"Oh my sweet, sweet Sunlight, come here." Zeke pulled her back towards his lap, and she went willingly, all but crawling into him. Her hands fisted in his shirt while she took shuddering breaths, trying not to cry. He stroked her hair, mentally chiding himself for his earlier choice of words. "When I said it's something you learn to live with, I didn't mean you learn to live the way you're feeling right now, forever." Selene looked up at him, the cautious hope in her eyes almost too much to bear. "I meant that you learn how to work through it, what makes it worse and what helps. You meet with a therapist and do exercises and activities with them that help reduce the symptoms and make it more manageable, so it's not giving you nightmares all the time." And pushing you to and past the point of severe sleep deprivation.
"Oh."
Zeke pressed a kiss to the top of her head. "Yeah. Probably could have explained it a little better at the get go. But Selene, it's not always something you can do completely on your own." He can feel her tense against him and preparing to protest, but he continued before she could. "Sometimes there will be things you'll need someone's help with, and that's okay. It's normal for things like PTSD. It doesn't make you a burden, weak, or less of a builder, it just makes you human. Especially with PTSD, a lot of times it can be really helpful to have someone with you for certain things."
"I sleep better with you," Selene blurted out, then buried her burning cheeks in his chest. "This is the first time I've had a nightmare when I was sleeping with you."
The confession made Zeke's heart swell. It made him happier than words could express that he made her feel safe enough to keep the nightmares at bay. "Then I'll sleep over more."
Selene made a half hearted noise of protest, but he shook his head.
"You need sleep. Badly. If me being here helps you sleep, then that's that. Besides,"-Zeke could feel his own cheeks flushing as he buried his face in her hair-"I like staying the night with you," he mumbled.
The kiss Selene pressed to his chest sent butterflies through his stomach. He was going to mention talking to Fang about getting something to help her sleep too when he felt her give a massive yawn.
"We can talk more about it in the morning. Do you think you'll be able to fall back asleep?"
Rather than answer right away, Selene seemed to take the time to truly consider whether or not she'd be able to. "Can we leave the light on?"
"Of course."
"Then I think I'll be okay."
Zeke nodded, giving Selene a gentle squeeze before unwrapping his arms to let her get settled while he fixed the covers. Once everything was situated, he settled himself back under the covers, wrapping an arm around Selene and pulling her close.
"G'night Zeke. Thank you, for everything."
"Of course little one, may your sleep be kinder to you for the rest of the night."
It wasn't long before Zeke heard Selene's breath even out into the slow pattern of deep sleep. He prayed fervently that she would continue to sleep soundly and peacefully for the rest of the night. There was still a lot to do to help his little builder, but at least they seemed to be headed in the right direction to get her what she needed.
When he watched her stumble blearily down the hall well into mid-morning the next day, he said a thank you for answered prayers.