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“What an impressive feat of evolution,” Boimler thought to himself as the sound of his own heartbeat filled his ears.
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Similar to a warp core, each heartbeat has it's own unique rhythm. And also similar to a warp core, it was filled with meaning. The existence of the warp core itself was built up to over thousands of years of technological advancements, it's design evolving, reiterated upon across generations. Produced industrially, the warp core mirrored the reproduction within his own species in a way, the human heart evolving, formed specifically in service to a whole. The Federation Starship, USS Cerritos. The Federation human citizen, Ensign Bradward Boimler.
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Initially starting out as a grounding technique during moments of heightened tension and insecurity, Boimler started using the practice of listening to his own heartbeat at times of rest and relaxation too, a deliberate attempt to recontextualize the sound and sensation after realizing he had begun associating it with stressful times. It's not the relationship he wanted to have with his own heartbeat, so he began taking time to listen here and there while in a relaxed state, usually late at night, in the dark alcove of his bunk, after a long, fulfilling day of Starfleet duties, alone with a stethoscope he had replicated and kept hidden away in his storage locker underneath a neatly folded skant.
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His plan had worked… a little too well. Not only had he recontextualized his heartbeat to be associated with a calm, relaxed state, he'd begun to associate it with other things too. The warp core, in particular, but also a way to connect with himself, his own body in a positive way, and to enjoy a simple pleasure, plus the sense of wonder that came with it. He began to feel drawn to the sound more and more, looking forward to when he'd get a quiet moment to himself where he could take out his stethoscope from it's hiding place and enjoy a nice, relaxing, private listen. As private as one could get in a densely packed residential hallway with bunks wide open to each other. At least it was dark at night.
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The sound of an impact of socked feet hitting the ground close by startled Boimler, and he instinctively yanked the earpieces of the stethoscope out of his ears, too hastily.
“Ow!”
In one fluid motion, he stuffed the stethoscope under his blanket, just before Mariner's face appeared, looking straight at him.
“Hey, Boims,” she said cheerfully.
Boimler felt his heartbeat accelerate, pounding hard against his ribs.
“Oh, hey, Mariner. What's up?”
Mariner sat down on the edge of his bunk atop his blanket, the stethoscope hidden underneath a mere centimeters away. Boimler gulped nervously.
“Oh, nothing, just trouble sleeping,” Mariner said casually. Boimler, too absorbed in his own anxiety, failed to notice the subtle hints of uncertainty and vulnerability in her voice.
“I figured you were having trouble sleeping too,” Mariner continued, keeping her voice low to avoid waking the other beta shift ensigns.
Boimler began to sweat.
“Y-you knew I was awake?” he asked, his mind running through various imagined scenarios that resulted in Mariner figuring him out and making fun of him.
“Yeah, dummy,” Mariner said. “You were too quiet to be asleep. I couldn't hear you muttering about Riker and his trombone or meowing thanks to Data for replicating your favorite cat food.”
Boimler chuckled softly.
“Oh, right.”
For a moment, the only sound to be heard was the low hum of the ship’s systems. Interrupted moments later with the sound of someone coughing down the hall, and some quiet mumblings about warp field theory coming from Rutherford’s bunk.
After a bit, Mariner rolled her eyes, patted the bed, then stood up.
“Goodnight, Boims,” she said, before stepping up on his bunk and lifting herself out of sight back into her own bunk above.
Boimler let out a breath he didn't realize he'd been holding. With his nerves finally relaxing, he started getting a sense that he might have missed something with Mariner, but what, he wasn't really sure.
Although nights were still the most ideal time for Boimler to get in some stethoscope time, he'd recently begun getting in some stething sessions during beta shift’s on-duty hours, sneaking off to his bunk in the mostly-empty beta shift residential hall during buffer time.
Boimler reached his bunk, noting with relief the absence of any other living beings within his range of vision. Carefully, he opened his storage locker and reached under the carefully folded skant. To his surprise, his fingertips touched nothing but the cool, smooth bottom of his locker. He started digging around the belongings in his locker, searching, knowing he couldn't have misplaced it, but still in denial about what it's absence must mean.
“Looking for something?” Mariner's voice called out.
Boimler let out a startled yelp as he straightened up and slammed his locker shut. Mariner had appeared from around the corner, one hand on her hip, an eyebrow raised in laid-back amusement, and…
Boimler's stethoscope draped around her neck.
Boimler panicked, releasing an involuntary scream.
Mariner stepped closer.
“See, I knew you'd do that, which is why I didn't put the earpieces in beforehand,” she said with a smirk, pulling the stethoscope off with one hand and letting it dangle in front of her for Boimler to see.
“And I know your heart is probably racing and you're freaking out right now, but try to calm down, Boims. Just exist in the moment, for once. Believe it or not, I'm doing this because I care about you.”
Mariner closed the short distance between herself and Boimler, fit the earpieces into her ears, then gently pressed the bell of the stethoscope against Boimler's chest. Boimler, his mind short-circuiting, stood there frozen, keenly aware of the furious pounding in his chest as his heartbeat was revealed to his best friend. To his horror, Mariner didn't stop there, beginning to speak familiar words.
“I've been thinking about heartbeats lately, how useful it's been in helping me reconnect with myself, and I've started wondering about using it to connect with others,” Mariner spoke in a rehearsed pattern.
Boimler's eyes widened. “You… you listened to my personal logs?” he squeaked. “Mariner! Those are private! You can't just-”
Mariner cut him off, speaking more stolen words.
“I'd probably want to start with Mariner. She's my best friend, but… Gah! I can't tell her about this! But I can't stop imagining it either, the sound of her strong, soothing heartbeat, or, maybe her listening to mine?”
“Oh, no,” Boimler moaned, gripping the sides of his head in disbelief. “Oh no no no no no, this can't be happening. Please tell me this isn't happening. Oh god, computer, end program? Q? If this is you, this isn't funny!”
Mariner scoffed. “I'm gonna need you to shut up for a minute, Boims, I'm trying to listen. Just one minute, no talking. Okay? Nod if you understand.”
“Mariner! No!”
“Bradward, please just go with it. I know what I'm doing.”
“Mariner…”
“Shut up.”
Boimler reluctantly shut his mouth. And his eyes, squeezing them closed and pretending Mariner wasn't in front of him right now, listening to his racing heartbeat with his secret stethoscope, after apparently having listened to his personal logs. He wondered how much she had heard, but the thought made his heart pound even harder so he tried to put it out of his mind. But the more he tried to clear his mind, the less he had to distract himself from what was happening, the awkward thumping in his chest, his quickened breath, the heat in his cheeks, and the cool metal disk Mariner had pressed to his chest over his khaki undershirt.
Just one minute.
Boimler opened his eyes to find Mariner looking right at him, causing his gaze to quickly dart away. Seeing her up close with the stethoscope was too much. He stared at the wall instead, locked onto a single blank spot. After a few seconds, he noticed the movement in his peripheral vision. He looked down, to see Mariner's hand pressing the stethoscope’s bell to his chest, bobbing up and down with the rhythm of his heartbeat. It may have been subtle enough for someone a few meters away not to notice, but Boimler noticed, and he knew Mariner could see it too, in addition to already hearing it, and clearly, feeling it as well.
Boimler fought his instinct to run away or make some nervous comment, fully committed now to waiting out the full minute. Despite the spike in anger and embarrassment he felt, he still trusted her, and was willing to hold back what he wanted to say (or shout) at her to give her this minute.
It felt like forever. Boimler's heart kept hammering away with no sign of slowing down, but once committed to waiting this out, Boimler had nothing to do but observe the moment. He allowed himself to glance at Mariner. She had a focused look on her face, like she was paying very close attention. Seeing her face felt reassuring. She tended to have that effect on him, at least when she wasn't tossing him into dangerous situations. It made the moment easier to handle, even though she was the cause of his current distress.
What Boimler said in his personal logs had all been true. He had fantasized about Mariner listening to his heartbeat, but he was not at all prepared for the idea to become a reality. Still, there was an appeal to it actually happening…
The bell of the stethoscope finally left Boimler's chest, leaving Boimler with an empty feeling where it had once been. Mariner took the earpieces out and draped the stethoscope around Boimler's neck. Boimler promptly removed it and sat down on the edge of his bunk, setting the stethoscope aside.
“Seriously, Mariner?” he said. “Why would you do that?”
Mariner sat down next to him.
“Honestly, I didn't think you'd ever bring it up on your own. So called ‘Bold Boimler’ seems to have an easier time recklessly jumping into dangerous situations than, say, having an honest conversation about something personal with his ‘best friend’.”
“You had no business going through my personal logs!”
“Yeah, normally I wouldn't, but you kept acting weird and sneaking off during buffer time, I got worried and had to do something! Besides, you liked it, didn't you? When I listened to your heartbeat?”
“I… Look, you went through my logs, so I guess you know everything I said there, but I was too nervous to actually enjoy anything. That's what happens when you ambush people like that!”
Mariner put her hand on Boimler's shoulder, then reached over, placing her other hand flat against his chest, right over his heart.
“It's not so bad the second time, isn't it?” she asked.
Boimler tensed, feeling his heart thumping hard against Mariner's hand, but Mariner was right, it wasn't as bad the second time. It was like she was wearing down his defenses or something.
“Yeah, okay, fine. But I'm still mad at you.”
Mariner smirked, giving Boimler's chest a little pat before pulling back.
“Well, once you get over that, you'll be thanking me for breaking you out of your stupid shell and opening you up to an experience you really wanted.”
Boimler rolled his eyes at her, also annoyed that she was probably right.
Mariner stood up and started to walk off.
“By the way,” she said over her shoulder as she reached the end of the hall. “Your heart was beating super fast, Boims. Maybe you should try calming down with your favorite grounding technique. ”
She winked at him and gave him a playful wave before disappearing around the corner.