Chapter Text
Atsushi sat on the cold floor of his room, curled up in a corner, his knees pressed tightly to his chest and his head buried in his arms. The sound of his uneven breathing filled the cramped space, but in his mind, the echo of another voice, another scene, tormented him relentlessly.
The mission. That mistake. The blood. It all came back to him after waking from his panic attack.
He closed his eyes, desperately trying to erase the images that kept resurfacing, but the more he tried to push them away, the more vivid they became. The colors, the noise, the metallic smell of blood... It all dragged him back to that moment, to when he lost control.
It was supposed to be easy. It was supposed to be quick. It was supposed to be safe.
But it wasn’t.
Atsushi remembered every second as if he were reliving it in that very moment.
The room had been dark, lit only by the faint light filtering through a broken window. The girl sat there, tied up and scared, her wide eyes filled with tears, when he finally reached the room where she was. Her father laid lifeless just a few meters away in the other room.
“It’ll be okay” Atsushi had told her, trying to keep his voice calm, even as he felt the tension building within him. The tiger stirred, as it always did, lurking in the depths of his mind, waiting to be unleashed.
Everything fell apart when one of the kidnappers, an armed man, burst into the room suddenly. The instinct to protect the girl exploded inside him, but along with it, so did the tiger.
He couldn’t clearly remember when he had lost control. Maybe it was the moment the man aimed his gun at them, or maybe it was when he saw the terror on the girl’s face; the same fear that had haunted him his entire life. Anger, frustration, fear... They all mixed together, and the beast inside him took over.
The tiger devoured every rational thought, every shred of humanity.
When Atsushi opened his eyes again, it was too late.
The man’s body laid on the ground, torn apart, almost unrecognizable. But it wasn’t the man who haunted him. No, the problem wasn’t him. It was the girl.
He remembered her terrified expression, her mouth wide open in a scream that never came. He remembered her small hands reaching out to him for help, for protection. But he wasn’t there anymore. The tiger had already taken over, she had already begun to feed.
The blood. The girl’s blood was everywhere. On the floor, on his hands, even on his face. Her tiny broken bones, her body ripped apart by the jaws of the beast he hadn’t been able to contain. Every single detail was etched into his memory like a wound impossible to heal. The taste of blood in his mouth, the sensation of flesh being torn; it was all real, too real.
“I failed” Atsushi thought, sinking deeper into the darkness of his thoughts. “I’m not a hero. I’m a monster.”
It was he who had killed her. There was no doubt, no excuse. He had promised to protect her, and instead, he had torn her apart. Every time he closed his eyes, he saw her. Her fragile, broken, bloodied body. Her face, frozen in an expression of pure horror, would haunt him forever.
Now, curled up on the floor of his room, Atsushi trembled, cold sweat running down his back. The pain in his chest was unbearable, he felt like he was chocking and couldn't breath, and guilt consumed him from within. He couldn’t escape what had happened. He couldn’t escape himself.
“It was me” he whispered, his voice broken. “It was me who killed her.”
Every time he thought back to that moment, he felt nausea, terror. And every time, he wondered: what made him any different from the very monsters he fought? He had always believed he could control the tiger, that he could use her power to protect others. But on that mission, he had realized a terrible truth: the tiger wasn’t there to protect. It was there to destroy.
There was no redemption for him, not anymore. Everyone he tried to protect was at risk, every mission could turn into a massacre. And the worst part was that, deep down, he feared the tiger was the only part of him that truly mattered. That without it, Atsushi Nakajima was nothing more than a broken, useless boy.
“I can’t live like this” he whispered through sobs, his hands clutching desperately at the fabric of his clothes. His skin burned, the growing need to do something, anything, to stop the pain gnawed at him.
His hands moved on their own. His nails dug into his forearms, carving lines into his skin, searching for an impossible relief. Blood began to seep from the cuts, mixing with the sweat covering his body. But even physical pain couldn’t conceal what he felt inside. The guilt was suffocating him, and every scratch, every self-inflicted wound seemed like a futile attempt to rid himself of the beast he carried within.
Atsushi stayed there, wrapped in his anguish, blood dripping onto his knees. But no amount of blood would wash away what he had done.
No redemption could erase that memory.
The memory of that mission kept hammering in Atsushi’s mind, like an open wound that refused to heal. Every moment of that massacre, every single image of the girl torn apart by the tiger, seemed to want to devour him from inside out. There was no way to escape that pain, no distraction strong enough to make him forget what had happened.
So, sitting there, with blood dripping from the scratches on his arms, he made a decision. He wouldn’t run away from the beast that tormented him. He would find a way to silence it, to quiet the endless pain. And he knew exactly where to go.
Slowly, he rose from the floor, unsteady, his legs weak as if he had just run a marathon. His body was exhausted, but his mind was even more devastated. There was no room left for rationality; he needed something, anything, to stop the storm consuming him.
The alley wasn’t far. He had been there many times, always with the excuse of “forgetting.” He had started with small doses, just enough to numb himself, to dull the pain for a few hours. But every time the haze wore off, the memory came back fiercer, more unbearable.
This time, though, it would be different. This time, he wanted something stronger. Something that would make him disappear completely, even if just for a while. He didn’t want to feel anything anymore. Not the weight of guilt, not the tiger clawing inside him, not the terror of losing control. He wanted to vanish entirely.
He moved through the city like a shadow, his eyes vacant. The shady neighborhood where the alley was located was as filthy and desolate as ever. Cigarette smoke filled the air, and indistinct figures loitered in the shadows, seeking refuge in the darkness.
The man he was looking for was there, leaning against the crumbling brick wall, a half-smoked cigarette dangling from his lips. When he saw Atsushi approaching, his face broke into a tired, worn-out smile.
"Atsushi" the man said with a nod. "I didn’t think you’d be back so soon after last time."
Atsushi said nothing. There was no need for words; the dealer already knew what he wanted. Atsushi’s hollow, sunken eyes told him everything he needed to know.
"Something new today?" the man asked, pulling a small transparent plastic bag filled with white powder out of his pocket.
"I’ve got something that’ll take you far away for a while. Strong. Way stronger than the shit I gave you last time."
Atsushi stared at him blankly. There was no hesitation in his gaze. "I want it all to go away" he murmured, his voice barely audible.
"Make it disappear."
The dealer studied him for a moment, as if trying to determine whether Atsushi was serious or simply desperate, but he wasn’t the type to ask questions. He’d seen this kind of request before: many came to him seeking to forget, to drown their lives into oblivion.
"You’ll be out for hours, maybe days" the man said as he handed him the bag.
"This stuff’s hard, kid. Not everyone comes back from it."
Atsushi took it without a word, feeling the cold plastic against his bloodstained fingers. Perhaps he wouldn’t come back. Maybe that’s exactly what he wanted.
Back in his room, the silence was thick and oppressive. Atsushi sat on his bed, staring at the bag in his hand. His heart pounded in his chest, but not from fear. He had already decided. There was nothing left to run from, no reason to stop now.
He poured a small amount of the powder onto the smooth surface of the bedside table. His heart raced, but his mind was blank, numb. He rolled up a yen, just as he’d seen others do, and prepared to end it. He wanted to feel free from everything: from the pain, from the tiger, but most of all, from himself.
The moment he inhaled that thing, the world around him began to distort almost immediately. Sounds dulled, lights dimmed, and his body seemed to float in a timeless void. Finally… silence.
But the silence was no help to him. It felt like a prison.
As the drug began to take full control, Atsushi felt a deep terror take root inside him. There was no peace, no relief. Only darkness, and within that darkness, the tiger stirred, wrapping around his senses, clawing at him with its sharp fangs. His mind was trapped, trapped with the beast.
And now, without control, without clarity, he couldn’t stop it.
"Help…" Atsushi murmured, but no one would hear him in this endless night. No one would come to save him.
He was alone. And in that moment, he realized the true prison wasn’t the tiger. It was himself.
The void expanded, swallowing Atsushi like an infinite chasm. His body no longer responded to his mind’s commands, as though every fiber of him had been anesthetized, paralyzed. Yet there was no peace. On the contrary, there was only a growing terror, a panic that slithered beneath the surface of his consciousness, as the tiger within him moved, restless and wild.
The images of the ruined mission reappeared, like ghosts tormenting him without end. He saw the girl’s body again, blood dripping from her small hands, the tiger’s jaws looming over her. He could still hear her screams, even though he knew in reality she’d never had the chance. The memory blurred with his current reality, distorting everything around him into a warped nightmare.
The room seemed to close in on him, the walls pressing inward, as if they intended to crush him. Atsushi tried to breathe, but the air was thick, as though something was compressing his chest. His heartbeat was frantic, a drum pounding in his ears, drowning out every other sound. He broke out in a cold sweat, but he couldn’t move.
"I’m losing my mind…" he thought, as reality shattered before his eyes.
And that’s when the tiger emerged.
It wasn’t a slow transition, like it had been in the past. There were no warnings, no signs. One moment, Atsushi was struggling to hold onto a shred of lucidity, and the next, the beast was there, inside him, tearing away every semblance of control. His body began to tremble violently, his hands curling into claws, his nails digging into his own flesh.
He was no longer Atsushi. He wasn’t even human anymore. The beast had claimed him.
A primal roar erupted from his throat, a bestial sound filled with rage and despair. The tiger, freed from its chains, prepared to unleash chaos, to destroy everything in its path. But there was no one there. No victims to devour. No enemies to tear apart. Just him, just Atsushi, imprisoned in a body he could no longer control.
In a panic, he began clawing at himself, his hands tearing at his own skin with fury.
"Stop! Stop!" he screamed through sobs, but the tiger didn’t respond. It wouldn’t stop. The pain wouldn’t stop it. Each strike, each scratch made him bleed, but it was as though nothing could pacify the beast that had taken hold of him.
His face was streaked with tears and blood as his nails carved deep lines into his chest and arms. There was no longer a boundary between man and monster, between Atsushi and the tiger. They were one, a single, crazed creature devastated by its inability to escape the horror.
And in that moment, just as destruction seemed inevitable, the door to the room burst open violently.
"Dazai-san…" Atsushi murmured, though his voice was now little more than a choked whisper.
Dazai stood in the doorway, observing the scene with an unreadable expression, his dark eyes scanning the wreckage before him. The room was in ruins, and Atsushi looked as though he was on the verge of completely collapsing. But Dazai, as always, showed neither surprise nor horror. Only a glacial calm.
Without wasting time, he approached Atsushi with the same measured tranquility that always defined him, placing a hand on his shoulder. "No Longer Human."
Immediately, Atsushi’s body stiffened, and the transformation ceased. The tiger was forced back, once again confined to the darkness, imprisoned by Dazai’s ability. Atsushi collapsed to his knees, exhausted, his body trembling and covered in self-inflicted wounds. But it wasn’t relief he felt. There was no relief. Only emptiness, despair, and the terror of what he might have done.
"Why are you here?" Atsushi murmured, his voice strained with pain.
It wasn’t an accusatory question, just pure confusion. How had Dazai found him? Why did he come?
Dazai crouched slightly, meeting his eyes with a coldness that sent shivers down Atsushi’s spine.
"I followed you" he replied, his tone devoid of any emotion.
"I knew it would end like this."
Atsushi stared at him, stunned. Dazai’s words hit him like a punch to the gut.
"You knew… I would do this?" he asked, unable to believe what he was hearing.
Dazai nodded slowly, letting the silence speak for him for a moment. "Yes" he finally said.
"You can’t escape your nature, Atsushi. And you… you keep fighting against something that’s a part of you. As long as you do, you’ll keep destroying yourself."
Atsushi clutched his chest, the physical pain now a shadow compared to the torment inside. His wounds, though deep, couldn’t compete with the emptiness he felt inside. There was no way out. Not for him.
"I don’t want to fight anymore" Atsushi finally whispered, his voice trembling. "I just… want it all to end."
Dazai stood, his gaze a mix of understanding and icy detachment.
"It never ends, Atsushi" he said, his tone heavy with a gravity that felt like a sentence. "Not for someone who carries a power like yours."
Then, without another word, Dazai turned toward the door. "Rest" he said distantly. "You need it."
Atsushi remained where he was, alone, as Dazai disappeared into the darkness of the hallway. His wounds burned, but the real suffering was inside.
Atsushi sat still for a few moments after Dazai left, feeling alone in the oppressive silence of the room. His wounds stung, blood slowly dripping from his arms and chest. But it was the emptiness inside him that hurt the most. Every time he closed his eyes, the images of the little girl came back, her gaze fixed on him, like a silent accusation.
"It never ends…" Dazai's words echoed in his mind, a weight dragging him down into the depths of despair from which there seemed to be no escape. It was true; it would never end. The tiger, the monster, was a part of him. And, perhaps, he himself was the true monster.
With tremendous effort, he rose from the floor. Every movement came with a wave of physical pain, but it didn’t slow him down. He had to do something, he had to act, even if he didn’t yet know what to do. Staying there, alone with his thoughts, would only make everything worse.
His legs carried him to the door of the room almost without his conscious effort. Part of him just wanted to run away from everything: from himself, from the tiger, from the entire world. But he knew that wherever he went, the torment would follow him. His hands trembled as he grabbed the handle, but he didn’t open the door right away, overwhelmed by a sense of confusion.
Then, unexpectedly, something clicked in his mind, a sensation he couldn’t explain. An impulse, a fear deeper than his very existence. He had to do something drastic. Go back, take refuge with Dazai? No. Not this time. His hands continued to tremble, but now he knew what he had to do: he needed to remove the suffering, erase it entirely. But not in the way Dazai would have wanted.
Atsushi turned abruptly and grabbed the small bag of powder the dealer had given him. His body rejected it, his mind warned him of the danger, but every other part of him craved that escape, that complete destruction of pain.
With trembling hands, he poured out a larger dose than he had taken before onto the table. He knew it was too much. He knew. But that was exactly what he wanted. To disappear, to dissolve into nothingness. To stop being a threat to anyone, especially himself.
"Fighting is pointless. In the end… it’ll all be over…" he murmured to himself as he prepared to inhale the powder.
But just as he was about to give in to temptation, a sudden noise made him jump. The door flew open with a loud bang, and Yosano entered the room, her face hard and her gaze cold. Her eyes immediately landed on the scene before her: Atsushi, holding the bag, and the deadly powder spread across the table.
"What the hell are you doing, Atsushi?" she growled, her voice charged with a fury she had never used on him before.
"Do you want to die?"
Atsushi’s heart skipped a beat. His body reacted instinctively, throwing the powder to the ground, scattering it across the floor. For a moment, he considered running, but his legs remained frozen, paralyzed by shame and fear.
"I… I don’t want to live like this" he murmured, his voice broken. "I can’t do it anymore…"
Yosano strode toward him quickly, grabbing him by the collar with force. Her face was inches from his, her eyes gleaming with a cold fury but also a desperate concern.
"Do you think this is the solution?" she snapped, shaking him slightly.
"Do you think destroying yourself will free you from the pain? Are you that stupid?"
Atsushi lowered his gaze, his hands still trembling.
"You don’t understand" he whispered, his voice fractured. "Every time I try to protect someone… it always ends like this. I’m just a monster. I should stop existing."
Yosano stared at him for a long moment, her eyes studying every angle of Atsushi’s face, as if trying to gauge how far he had fallen. Then, with a deep sigh, she let him go and stepped back a few steps, running a hand through her hair.
"You’re not a monster, Atsushi" she finally said, her voice losing its sharpness. "If you were, you wouldn’t be here, torturing yourself over what you’ve done. You wouldn’t care about what happened. But you’re human, and humans make mistakes. They have demons inside them, and sometimes those demons take over."
Atsushi shook his head, tears beginning to stream down his face.
"But I can’t control it… the tiger… it devours me… and it hurts others. I can’t go on like this. I can’t let it happen again."
Yosano moved closer again, but this time her touch was gentle, her hands steady on Atsushi’s shoulders.
"Your ability doesn’t make you a monster. It’s like mine" she said, glancing down at her own hand.
"I can heal, but there’s a cost. Each of us has a burden to carry, but that burden doesn’t have to be faced alone. You have to stop trying to do this on your own."
Atsushi remained silent, Yosano’s words slowly piercing through the shroud of despair that surrounded him. But within him, the fear still lingered, that deep-rooted fear that would never truly leave. He didn’t know how to live with the tiger. He didn’t know how to live with himself.
Yosano stood up, keeping her gaze fixed on him.
"Dazai watches over you from a distance. He protects you. But he can’t save you if you don’t want to save yourself."
She paused, then, with an unexpected softness said: "Take this as a moment of reprieve. You’ve made mistakes. You’ve lost control. But you’re still alive, Atsushi. And as long as you’re alive, there’s always a chance to make things right."
Those words struck him deeply. Was it really possible to make amends? Was it really possible to live with the beast inside him?
Atsushi didn’t know.
Yosano remained firm, her intense gaze still on Atsushi, watching as he struggled with his inner demons. There was no anger in her eyes now, only deep and sincere concern, mixed with unyielding determination. She wouldn’t leave him there, alone, to sink further into the darkness.
"Come with me, Atsushi" she said, her voice softer but firm. "I can’t leave you like this."
Atsushi looked up at her, confused.
"Where… where are you taking me?" he murmured, still trembling.
He hadn’t expected Yosano to really want to help him. Part of him believed he didn’t deserve that help, that it was already too late to make amends for everything he had done.
"To my clinic" Yosano replied, approaching him cautiously.
"I know what you’re doing to yourself. I can see it. It’s not just the guilt destroying you, it’s the escape you’re desperately seeking through these… drugs." She gestured to the spilled powder on the floor with a look of disdain.
"I won’t let you destroy yourself like this."
Atsushi lowered his gaze again, ashamed of himself. He knew Yosano was right. The drugs had become a futile attempt to silence the pain, to quiet the tiger that devoured him from within. But he also knew he hadn’t been able to escape it, and now he found himself having to face his own weakness.
"I can’t…" Atsushi whispered, his voice breaking. "I can’t do this alone."
"You won’t have to do it alone" Yosano replied, gently taking his arm and helping him to his feet.
"Let’s go. I’ll help you detox, help you clean yourself up. It won’t be easy, but I won’t let you fight this battle by yourself."
Atsushi hesitated but then allowed himself to be led by Yosano. He no longer had the strength to fight against her, or himself. He couldn’t imagine how he could escape that dark tunnel, but maybe, just maybe, Yosano was right. Maybe, if he had someone by his side, he could face the beast within him without being consumed.
Yosano guided him with steady steps out of the room and down the dark hallways of the Agency. The silence was heavy, almost oppressive, but her presence beside him comforted him in some way. He had never been good at asking for help, and his first instinct had always been to hide his suffering, to isolate himself. But now, for the first time, he didn’t feel completely alone.
They reached Yosano’s clinic, a small space she used for medical emergencies of the Agency's members. The scent of disinfectant was sharp, but there was something reassuring about the sterile, orderly environment, far from the chaos raging in Atsushi’s mind.
Yosano had him sit on a bed and took a deep breath before starting.
"Listen, Atsushi" she began, looking him straight in the eyes.
"Detoxing isn’t easy, and there will be moments when the pain will feel unbearable. But I’ll be here, and I won’t let you face it alone. We need to address this now, before it consumes you completely."
Atsushi nodded slowly. His hands still trembled, his muscles tense with stress, but somehow, he felt that this was the first step out of the abyss.
"But… what if the tiger comes back? What if I lose control again?" he asked, his voice filled with fear.
Yosano didn’t look away.
"The tiger is a part of you, Atsushi. You can’t get rid of it, but you can learn to live with it, without letting it overpower you. But first, you need to regain control of yourself. Only then can you face the beast inside you."
The young man closed his eyes, feeling the truth in Yosano’s words, even though his heart was still weighed down by fear and guilt. But that fear, for the first time, didn’t seem insurmountable. There was still hope, however faint.
"I’ll try" Atsushi finally said, his voice barely a whisper.
Yosano nodded, placing a reassuring hand on his shoulder. "Good. Let’s begin."