Chapter Text
Blitzø’s phone continued to buzz and blare at him from where he held it in his hands, while Fizzarolli’s contact cast a light on his face in the otherwise dark apartment.
He let it ring, his tail winding its way around his leg and squeezing. Fuck- He really didn’t feel up to conversation right now. He wasn’t even sure he’d be able to coherently have one.
Though, it was Fizz. The one person he could count on to vent his frustrations to back when they were both in the circus, the one person who he knew wouldn’t spill all of his secrets and shit-talk to the rest of the imps around.
If there was anyone Blitzø was willing to talk to during a shitty day, it was Fizz.
It was always Fizz.
His thumb swiped across the phone to answer the call, and he cleared his throat so he could sound somewhat like a normal fucking person who hadn’t just had a breakdown in the kitchen as he put it on speaker.
“Hey, what’s up- Fizz?”
He instantly grimaced, inwardly cringing as he rubbed at his temple. Oh yeah, that wasn’t completely fucking obvious.
“Hey, buddy!”
Fizzarolli’s own greet was cheerful and bubbly, and relief instantly flooded Blitzø’s chest because maybe he wasn’t caught after all.
“So, I noticed you haven’t sent me a horse meme in a few days,” Fizz continued, voice laced with a gentle concern that had Blitzø’s eyes stinging. “What’s up with that, huh? Everything okay?”
Well, shit.
He hadn’t even said more than four words to Fizz and he was already choking up like an emotional little bitch.
“Um-“ He cleared in throat in a vain attempt to regain composure and hide his voice cracking. “Yeah, yeah I’m fucking super, even.”
“…Are you sure?” Fizz prompted, gently.
Son of a bitch.
“I-“ Blitzø breathed in, quickly, as if to suck back in the obvious break in his voice he definitely just let out.
“It’s okay if you’re not,” Fizz tried to assure him. “I just wanted to check in, see if you needed to talk.”
“I am. I’m good, ok-kay?” Blitzø sputtered out defensively.
“And that’s fine,” Fizz didn’t seem put off by his tone, oozing familiar understanding and patience that Blitzø hadn’t been on the other end of since they were kids. “I just wanted to be extra, triple sure, that’s all.”
This cunty motherfucker was too goddamn nice to him. It was weird…
It wasn’t like it was comforting to him or anything, that’d be stupid...
“…Fizz,” he murmured.
“Yeah, buddy?” Fizz replied encouragingly.
“F…Fizz, I-“ His breath shuddered as the last of his crumbling composure began to come undone. “I’m so fucking st-stupid…”
“Aww no, hey…” Fizz’s voice instantly softened. “Why are you talking like that? What happened?”
“S-Same fucking shit as alw-ways!” Blitzø snapped, scratching at his facial scars in frustration. He wasn’t sure why, they didn’t sting anymore, it just felt right. “I r-ruin everything because I’m a piece of shit who hurts and loses people! I haven’t changed, I- I h-haven’t-”
“Ooo-kay. Alright. We shouldn’t be by ourselves right now,” Fizz deduced, keeping his voice calm in a clear attempt to not rile Blitzø up any more than he already was. “So, I’m coming over. I can be there in twenty, okay?”
Blitzø tried to protest, pitch a fit and yell and scream until Fizz gave up on him, but all he could do was choke on a sob, followed by a sharp breath shuddering in his chest.
“Aw, make that fifteen.” Fizz clicked his tongue in clear sympathy. It made Blitzø’s chest ache because why the fuck was Fizz feeling bad for him? “I’m here, buddy.”
‘You shouldn’t be,’ he wanted to snarl, but he could only sniffle and hiccup pathetically as he scrubbed his face with the back of his hand.
“Yeah-” he ended up choking out instead, followed by a loud sniff and a groan as he grabbed the sleeve of his robe to wipe his face. “Sorry- Fuck, sorry, this is gross-”
“It’s nothing I haven’t heard before,” Fizz answered with a chuckle, and Blitzø could hear the sound of a few things being rummaged around as Fizzarolli assumedly gathered a few things to leave the palace. “Phone, keys, wallet…” the jester mumbled to himself while Blitzø focused on trying to find something to wipe his snot with. “Hey, babe! You mind if I take off for a bit?”
Blitzø paused where he was rubbing wet lashes with his thumb as he heard the muffled sound of Fizz’s ‘babe’ in question replying to him.
“Nothing like that, just wanna go check up on Blitz. Say hi, Blitz!”
Blitzø blinked, not expecting to be a part of this conversation. He cleared his throat and took a quick breath before speaking. “Uh- Hey, Ozzie.”
“He sounds rough.”
Blitzø’s brows furrowed as he picked up on what the Sin was saying now. Fizzarolli had presumably put the phone on speaker. Oh, whatever. So what if he sounded rough? It wasn’t like Ozzie was gonna be seeing him anytime soon, anyway.
“He’s not doing too hot,” Fizzarolli went on to explain, and Blitzø sighed inwardly as he wished Fizz would just mute, or hang up if he was gonna be airing out his business to his fucking boyfriend. “Can I go?”
Now, just hold the fuck on.
Why was Fizzarolli asking Ozzie for fucking permission to go out?
Sure, he’d gotten his ass kidnapped and held for ransom the last time he decided to take off, but-
“You don’t gotta ask for my permission, Froggie,” he heard the Sin chuckle sweetly.
Blitzø felt as his stance relaxed, and his grip on the couch cushion beside him loosened from where his claws had punctured holes into the fabric.
Oops. Ah, well, his couch was plenty fucked up already.
“I trust Blitz to keep you safe. Just keep your phone on you. The drive there’s the most dangerous part.”
“I live for danger!” Blitzø could hear Fizz call as he skedaddled away.
“No, you do not!” Ozzie’s voice called in the distance, sounding both amused and deadly serious.
Blitzø heard Fizz’s little gremlin giggle through the speaker, before speaking to him again. “You wanna stay on the phone till I get there?”
“Uh…” Blitzø sniffed and wiped at his eyes with his arm as looked around the apartment. He’d been slacking at picking shit up; the floor was more than a bit cluttered. He winced in shame before speaking again. “No, I- I’ll be okay, take-take your time.”
“I won’t,” Fizzed hummed matter of factly, the smile clear in his voice. “Be there soon, m’kay?”
“‘Kay… bye,” Blitzø murmured in reply, hanging up the phone with no further fanfare.
After quickly texting Fizz his apartment number, knowing Fizz had only waited for him outside to pick him up for a hang-out sesh so far, he sat numbly for a few moments, staring at his hooves. He didn’t allow himself to wallow in his self-pity for long. There was no time to mope anymore, he had to clean this dump up before Fizz got there and saw how gross he was. So, with a defeated grunt, he hefted himself up to stand, reaching to snatch up the first pile of dirty clothes he saw. The first of several.
Blitzø’s pace had gotten more frantic the more the time had ticked by, his anxiety winning out over his melancholy as he imagined Fizz’s face seeing his gross ass place, so when a knock sounded on his door, his spikes nearly shot off his body in fright. He took a deep breath and cursed for letting himself get so easily spooked. He hastily tossed the last pile he held in his arms into the bathroom, reaching out to snap the door shut to hide the evidence.
There, out of sight out of mind, and if Fizz had to come in and needed to pee, no he didn’t.
He scrambled to answer the door next, overly aware that he’d already let half a minute pass without answering. Fizz was going to think he forgot about him coming already, stupid fucking Blitzø!
He fumbled with the knob for a moment before pulling the door open, mentally cursing as he realized he never even as much had splashed water on his face. “Hey- uh, hey Fi- OOMPH -”
Blitzø stumbled slightly as Fizz pretty much tackled him into a hug, mechanical limbs whirring as they wound around his middle and squeezed, and the bells on his hat jingled as he settled his chin on his shoulder.
“Yeah, you’re welcome,” Fizz hummed right beside his ear, holding him for a few more moments before grinning at him as he pulled away just enough to get a look at him, his arms still around his waist. “You looked like you could use it.”
Blitzø had been too stunned to return the hug, and he still was, so he simply patted Fizz’s shoulders timidly and a little awkwardly, his eyes wide and his throat suddenly dry as he tried to come up with something to say. “...Thanks,” he finally peeped, eyes flitting to the side as he found the eye contact from Fizz’s curious, wide gaze too much and a little intimidating. “Uh… Come in?”
All too quickly, Fizz’s limbs unwound from Blitzø’s frame with a zip, and Fizz moved past Blitzø and inside his apartment, leaving Blitzø to shut the door and turn around to face the music.
Luckily, he had thrown on an oversized hoodie and a pair of sweats. He had almost been too unbothered to care about getting decent, but now he was feeling grateful that he did because that hug could’ve been awkward. He had also cleaned up his humiliating pile of depression mess. All of his dirty clothes had been stuffed into the bathroom behind the shower curtain, and all of his dishes had been piled into the sink and left to soak in hot, soapy water. Nothing out of the ordinary, just a normal, simple-
His breath caught right the fuck up in his throat as he saw that Fizz was looking at his wall of pictures, and humiliation bubbled up in his gut and chest, making him feel sick as his hands balled up by his sides.
Fuck.
He had forgotten about his stupid fucked up, scribbled-out faces, in every single one of the pictures he was in that he had put up.
That had been an awful night.
“Yeah, can you- Um- Can you look at anything else but that right now?” Blitzø stammered, raising his arms to hug around himself as his tail flicked anxiously from behind him.
Fizz blinked, presumably embarrassed for being caught staring. “Yeah! Yeah, sorry-” He chuckled awkwardly and nodded over toward the couch. “Should we just sit, or- Maybe we could go to your room?”
Blitzø’s silence after that was deafening, and he shut his eyes tight for a moment to build up the small amount of confidence he needed to come out with it. “...It’s a one-bedroom place, see?” He nodded over towards Loona’s door, it being more than obvious that it was hers by the literal sign that said LOONA’S ROOM. “Gave it to Loony. She’s not here right now, she took off for the weekend, probably won’t be back ‘til Monday for work, so…” He met Fizz’s gaze again, his large eyes watching him curiously and he winced, shoulders slumping in defeat as he gestured to the couch with his hand. “Let’s just… sit, yeah.”
“Oh- Okay.” Fizz nodded, and followed Blitzø over to the couch, where he shoved his old, worn blanket aside so that Fizz could sit down.
“Make yourself at home and all that shit,” Blitzø sighed, slumping onto the couch and rubbing his thumb and index finger over his brows. “Sorry, I know it’s-”
“No, no! It’s fine, I like it!” Fizz answered quickly, his hands held up in defense as he took his seat next to Blitzø, legs curled up beneath him as he turned to face his friend. “Am I… allowed to ask about the-”
“No. No, just- Drop it, drop everything- Please.” Blitzø let his hands drop into his lap, where his defeated gaze fell onto the blank TV, then the remote that he had left on the armrest beside him. “Here.” He shoved said remote into Fizz’s hands, watching him clamber to grab hold of it in surprise. “You can put whatever you want on.”
“Oh, okay. What a courteous host, you are.” Fizz attempted to joke in order to lighten the mood a bit, flicking the TV on to begin combing through Voxflix.
Blitzø hummed, tucking himself into the corner against the back of the couch and the armrest. His eyes gravitated towards the TV screen, but they were quick to go out of focus. He was so fucking stupid, how could he forget about the stupid fucking pictures? He was just so used to them by now, he didn’t even process that it might look incredibly fucking pathetic to anyone other than him. He supposed it didn’t help that Loona also never even asked about them, normalizing it even more. Come to think of it, had he ever even seen her look remotely in the direction of the picture wall? Maybe to roll her eyes at their adoption certificate…
He blinked out of disassociation as he heard a familiar, musical jingle, eyes going back into focus on the TV screen. As he saw the iconic rag-tag group of pony girls, his shoulders marginally relaxed. Damn, he loved this show. Fizz knew that, and no, his best fuckable friends’ endless understanding and consideration would not make him cry like a bitch today.
“This is the right show, yeah?” Fizz confirmed. “The 3D one is the bad one, right?”
“Yeah, this is the good one,” Blitzø hummed and nodded, turning his head to crack the smallest of appreciative smiles. “Thanks.”
“Yeah, I’m the best best friend in the world, hold your applause,” Fizz joked, waving Blitzø off but also playing up his smugness.
Blitzø snorted, turning back to the TV with a hunched posture. Fizz seemed to notice, because after a small flinch at an unexpected touch, he felt robotic hands rubbing at his sore shoulders, working through the knots that had been there since he was sixteen. He let out a sigh and relaxed further, letting Fizz know he was good to keep going.
“So,” Fizz cut in after some comfortable silence, minus some chatter and songs from the TV. “What's goin’ on?”
Blitzø scoffed out a bitter laugh.
“Ah. So a lot then,” Fizz hummed, nodding sagely. “Do we wanna talk about it?”
“Not really,” Blitzø hummed.
“Yep. Okay.” Fizz nodded again, pausing. “…Does it feel like we should, though?”
Blitzø was quiet, prioritizing watching the show above answering; Fizz let him.
“I don’t know, probably?” he answered finally.
“Mm.” Fizz thought for a moment. “Well, let’s start with basics: How was your day?”
“Bad,” Blitzø answered flatly.
Fizz took a deep, cleansing breath. “Yep, gathered that. Was more looking for specifics.”
“Ruined my fucking dinner,” Blitzø elaborated unenthusiastically. “Because my stupid fucking scars were flaring up…”
“Oooh, that’s no fun,” Fizz winced sympathetically. “That happens to me, too.”
“And whose fault is that?” Blitzø muttered, hugging his arms a bit too tight as tension returned to his frame.
“Hey… c’mon, we talked about this, I know it was an accident now…” Fizz frowned in concern.
“That doesn’t change that it happened,” he growled. “Surprised you weren’t there…”
“Weren’t where?” Fizz asked, tilting his head in confusion.
“The party,” Blitzø explained, turning his head slightly to the side to finally look at Fizz again. “Verosika’s party.”
Fizz still seemed lost for a moment, but Blitzø saw realization bloom on his face, quickly replaced with a look of guilt and shame as he slowly pulled his hands away.
“Ah… that party.” Fizz nodded in understanding, bringing a hand up to rub the back of his neck as he suddenly seemed very interested in the cartoon. “I… I don’t go to that spot anymore.”
“You used to,” Blitzø said. It wasn’t a question. He knew.
“Yes…” Fizz confirmed, sighing. “I was angry, and hurt, and the… weird sense of community… it helped.”
“Well isn’t that nice?” Blitzø scoffed out another laugh, leaning back against the cushions with a pathetic thwump.
“I’m not gonna go anymore,” Fizz tried to reassure him.
“Doesn’t seem like that phased them, a couple of people said it was the biggest one yet,” Blitzø reported with sarcastic interest. “And the most fucking humiliating, in my opinion.”
“I wanted to tell you-“
“No, you didn’t,” Blitzø cut him off, not harshly, but firmly. “If you did, you would have.”
“I… I’m sorry, Blitz,” Fizz sighed, out of things to say.
Blitzø looked over, his tight pinched glare quickly softening. He sighed heavily. Dammit, he couldn’t stay mad at Fizz.
“It’s whatever.” Blitzø shrugged, sitting up just enough to lean over and flop against Fizz’s side. “I’m over it.”
Fizz was still for a moment, before wrapping an arm around Blitzø and tugging him closer. “No, you’re not,” he corrected.
“...Yeah,” Blitzø agreed after a beat of silence.
He found himself flopping against him as the warmth of Fizz’s side bloomed against his own, shoulders sagging as somehow some of the weight of the world was lifted off of his shoulders, and placed onto Fizz’s so they could share the burden.
The burden of having to deal with him.
He was glad to have Fizzarolli back into his life, of course, but...
It didn’t take away the fact that everyone in his life, no matter how much he loved them, only tolerated him at best, and that absence of reciprocation, it hurt so much that it made his chest ache.
It was his own karma, his own personal hell in the one he lived in. And he deserved every bit of it.
Honestly, who the fuck was
he
to reprimand Fizz for attending Verosika’s parties?
He’d cost Fizz everything, his home, his career, his horns, his limbs…
Fuck, his limbs.
The prosthetic draped around his arm was cold, and it whirred with every subtle movement. Blitzø wondered if he could actually feel with them, but he knew he shouldn’t ask.
It was all his fucking fault.
“Hey.”
Blitzø didn’t look up, knowing that his eyes were watered a fuckton and that if he even blinked, he’d start crying like a little bitch in his childhood best friend’s arms, prosthetic arms that he was at fault for in the first place because he was Blitzo and Blitzo ruined everything he touched and everyone he got close to.
Fizzarolli, Stolas.
His mama.
“It’s okay- You’re okay. I got you, I’m here.”
The softness of Fizzarolli’s voice took him back to when he was still a starry-eyed little kid with hopes and dreams, who hadn’t had his entire world blown up in his face just yet and who had his entire future ahead of him, and it just broke him.
Blitzø’s head dipped down as he hid his face in his hands, shoulders hunched up as he attempted to ball himself up as much as he could.
It was so fucking embarrassing, to fall apart in front of his oldest friend but it was also…
Fuck, it was also validating, relieving…
It was right.
He was helpless as Fizz tucked his head beneath his chin, shushing him gently and rubbing small circles into his back.
“I gotcha,” the jester continued to voice, chin resting atop Blitzø’s head comfortingly. “You were always there for me during my cries, right? Time for me to be here for yours.”
Blitzø’s vision only continued to flood with hot tears, a pathetic sob ripping out from his throat as he was nudged against his friend’s chest and held there in familiar arms.
It was still him.
They stayed like that for a little while, an entire episode of My Little Pony, to be exact. Blitzø didn’t dare lift his head up to watch it, though, but he listened over the sound of his quiet sniffles and shaky breaths as he managed to get all of the crying out of his system. By the time the theme song started up again to signal the next episode, though, he finally cleared his throat and dragged the sleeve of his hoodie over his face, wiping away the streaks of tears staining his cheeks and beneath his eyes.
“Here.”
Fizz held out a few tissues for him, plucked from the tissue box Blitzø kept on the end table for both late-night cry and fap sessions.
“Thanks..” Blitzø mumbled gruffly as he took them. He sat up, finally, turning away to blow his nose and scrunch the tissues in his palms before tossing them aside, carelessly.
Fizz watched him with careful, thinking eyes, hands to himself now as he didn’t want to overstimulate his best friend or be too overbearing.
It was clear now to him, what Blitzø needed.
“Hey, uh…” Fizz hesitated a moment, rubbing the back of his neck as he contemplated over how to put what he was thinking into words. “Blitz?”
Blitzø’s lips were pressed together, and his hands were tucked beneath his thighs as he sat with his eyes on his lap and his tail flopped over the edge of the couch. He blinked tiredly as Fizz called his name, and didn’t turn his head to look at him, only glanced over with a flick of his eyes.
“I’m sorry, I know that was… fucking gross,” he sighed, scrubbing his eyes with his sleeve again. “You don’t have to stay here with me, Fizz.”
“No, you’re fine, I’ve lost any aversion I had to loved one’s bodily fluids,” Fizz couldn’t help but joke, before putting his serious face back on. “But nah that’s- I was actually gonna ask if you wanted to crash at me and Ozzie’s?”
Blitzø blinked a couple more times, clearly waiting for his brain to catch up and correct whatever he had misheard. When no further clarity came to him, he turned this head towards Fizz, having just enough energy and bafflement to knit his brows slightly.
“Huh…?” he inquired, clearing his throat as his congested voice cracked awkwardly.
“Well, I’m just gonna be upfront with this first of all, I don’t like the idea of you being alone right now,” Fizz went on bluntly, but not uncaringly. “And- I know you don’t know Ozzie that well yet, but you two have seemed to get along the- one time you met. I know he wouldn’t mind, I’m too cute to say no to!”
Blitzø didn’t look any less lost. “Why would you want me intruding on you guys?”
“You wouldn’t be! It’s a big fucking place,” Fizz was quick to dismiss. “Look, I just think you could use a… change of scenery! Be around friends. Yunno?”
“Because my apartment is too lonely and depressing, right?” Blitzø huffed.
“Bliiiitz!” Fizz whined, perhaps feeling bad for his reaction to his place. He didn’t have to, Blitzø knew he was thinking it. “Look, can you at least come by for the weekend? We can get you a ride to work Monday.”
“I don’t know if your bird Daddy wants me mooching off him for that long,” Blitzø sighed, not seeming any more convinced.
“He’ll be okay with whatever I’m okay with, trust me,” Fizz fired back immediately.
“I have chores to do around here still. Laundry ‘n shit,” Blitzø huffed, fidgeting a bit.
“Bitch, bring your laundry! We have people for that,” Fizz snorted, physically waving off the lame excuse.
Blitzø replied with silence, eventually sighing and giving Fizz a pouty side-eye. “You’re dead set on this, ain'tcha?”
“Sure am!” Fizz chuckled good naturedly, giving a more sincere, encouraging smile, as well as the eyes. “Pweaaaaase~?”
“Ugh- not that gay fucking face…” Blitzø groaned, shoving his face away as the jester laughed hoarsely. “Alright, alright! Fine. Just for the weekend, and I’m leaving straight away Monday morning.”
“Yeah yeah, we’ll skip breakfast and get straight to iced coffee and everything, now get up and pack your laundry!”
“I was bullshitting about the laundry,” Blitzø reminded him as he stood.
“I’m not, you’ll fucking looove the fabric softener they use,” Fizz boasted.
Blitzø sighed, turning off the TV before trudging over to the bathroom and kicking open the door, revealing his trove of shame. Fizz came in to help him load the dirty clothes onto his flimsy laundry basket, but that did nothing to help him feel better about the situation. He was mostly going through with it for Fizz’s sake, given his friend's concern for him. It was appreciated, even if he felt it was misplaced. Sure, he was going through it, but he always got over it eventually.
Whatever, if it made Fizz feel better about it, he could shut up and go along with it.
“Do you want some food on the way?” Fizz suggested, choosing to carry the basket himself, which only made Blitzø feel shittier.
“Not hungry anymore,” Blitzø dismissed without looking towards him, making his way out of the bathroom and towards the bowl where he kept his keys.
“Alright, I’ll just have Ozzie whip us up something at home,” Fizz hummed, disregarding Blitzø’s bitch ass lie.
Said bitch ass liar just sighed, snatching his keys and heading towards the front door.
“You want me to drive?” Fizz offered next, and Blitzø had to remind himself that Fizz was just trying to be helpful so he didn’t snap at him.
“You are not driving my van,” Blitzø still spoke firmly, all too seriously.
“Oh good, I haven’t driven anything besides a forklift in probably seven years,” Fizz snickered, and Blitzø had to at least chuckle at that.
Damn Fizz and his ability to make him smile when he was trying to be a moody bitch.
“You ready to go then?” Fizz asked with a much bigger smile than his own.
“No,” Blitzø hummed, opening the front door and flicking off the main light. “Let’s go before I change my mind.”