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Buck felt replaceable. He felt like that for a long time, before when he was young there wasn't a place for him. Even at his parents house he felt like he didn't belong. So he left and continued to leave over and over again from various places. Until he found a home in LA. It wasn't the typical home, it wasn't tied to blood but it was still home. LA didn't make it home, the people he called his crew became his home. That was before he destroyed it.
Just like he does everything else. He was able to go back to work with the 118 after he dropped the lawsuit. All he wanted was his job back and his family, but instead of that he lost his family and his job despite having the title of a firefighter. He's the Man Behind. He can't go save, or help people, he’s been replaced before he filed the lawsuit by Bosko.
He didn't understand what he felt when he was younger but he does now. Bobby, Hen, Chim and … Eddie is ignoring him. After a shift of cleaning and recleaning, he was let go with a glance from Bobby. He entered his apartment and the hunger in the pit of his stomach growled. He didn't have the energy to eat or make something. He simply took a quick shower, put on his boxers, sweatpants, and a loose shirt. He promptly fell on his bed and fell asleep. The ringing from a call coming from his phone went unnoticed.
Water was pushing him down, the debrised receded back to the ocean. He had to get back to Chris. Find him. Save him. He tried to get back towards the surface of the water. The feeling of water going down his throat. His ears were muffled. He swam. Keep swimming, he thought. He continued to swim until something hit him. It was small, the light from the top shining barely through the water. He squinted his eyes and saw a little body. The size of a child. He knew, he found Chris. He screamed.
He jumped from his bed, his throat aching from the sudden scream. Sweat dripping down. He looks around and it appears to be the morning. “Atleast I didnt oversleep.” He mumbled. He got dressed to get ready for work when he grabbed his phone and scrolled through.
He froze when he realized his mom called him last night. ‘That's weird’ he thought. His parents never call him. Not even on holidays or birthdays. Why would she call him now?
Suddenly a wave of anger flowed over him. He slammed the door of his apartment. They call him now? After everything he's been through. They didn't call him during his time at the hospital after the tsunami or after his leg got crushed.
Getting into his car he took a deep breath. Hands gripping the steering wheel. He tried to forget about the missed call. He has been trying to forget about a lot of things. Let's go down the list
Abby
The bombing and his leg getting crushed by a firetruck
The blood clot
Getting laid off his job
The tsunami
Losing Chris
His previous therapist, Dr. Wells
When he sleeps he dreams of most of these things. When he doesn't his dreams are of Eddie, or his crew.
When Eddie stopped talking to him, it was different than when the others stopped. It was stupid to think that Eddie felt what he felt.He finally sees what his parents always told him. He’s replaceable.
A honk got him out of his head. He didn't realize he was driving. Two minutes later, he parked his car and walked into the firehouse.
It was routine, he said hi and everyone ignored him. He walked towards Eddie “Hey”.
Eddie didn't glance at him “Look uh can-can I see Chris? It's been a while since I last saw him”
Chris was so important to him. The others can say whatever they want but he knows Chris would never hate him. The moment he found out about the kid he started a trust fund in his name. It would be there and it already has a good amount in it. He has been missing Chris. And he needs reassurance that he didn't find Chris dead in the water. That the nightmare was just that, a nightmare.
Eddie sighed “You can see him another time, not right now.”
“Do you know when?” Eddie looked at him for a moment and turned back to what he was doing.
“No, i’ll let you know when is a good time”
Buck knew what that meant. His parents and every partner have told him something similar. He knows he won't be seeing Chris for a while. The pit in his stomach from before returned but it felt different. It hurt more. A lump formed in his throat. He didn't say anything else and went up to do what he now usually does.
He was at the last hour of his shift when he got another call. It was from his mom again. He went outside to take it. Whatever it is, he’s not going to take the chance of his…co-workers hearing it.
“Mom” He greeted her. It was exactly unfriendly.
“Evan, how are you?” Buck scrunched his eyebrows in confusion. He doesn't remember the last time they asked how he was.
“Uh, I’ve been-” She interrupted. ‘Of course she did’ he thought.
“That's all well. Listen, your father hasn't been feeling the best and his doctors found scarring on his lung.”
“Why are you telling me this?” He questioned.
“Maddie has been through alot and we’ll hate to ask her.”
He stayed quiet and hung his head on his chest “...so you’re asking me” He quietly says.
“We can book your flight and-”
“Stop just stop. I can't believe you. I need both my lungs to be a firefighter and you just want me to give one away. Are you kidding me?” In disbelief.
“You can always choose another career. Who knows when you’ll leave the job you have now”
He breathed in and out before talking into the phone. “I’ve been through hell, and you didn't visit, or call me but you're fine calling me to give up my job and give an organ to a dad that never once showed he loved me. Am I getting this right?”
“Evan-” he interrupted her this time
“Don't call me again” he hung up. It hit the end of his shift and he was exhausted.
He was mostly done too. He went up to Hen, Chim, Bobby, Eddie. Even if it was one word, he wanted to say goodbye. Chim stopped him, putting a hand on his shoulder "You alright buck?", Buck thought about answering truthfully but decided against it. "I'm fine" He responded.
Most of them were a simple ‘goodbye’ and sometimes a hug. Surprisingly it didn't take much to convince him. He doesn't have a family anymore, his job was different, he wasn't allowed to see Chris and Maddie hasn't answered his calls. Maddie doesn't have to take care of him anymore. He doesn't have to be exhausting to anyone.
The drive home was quiet. When he went inside the apartment it was quiet, almost taunting how alone he actually was. He sat on his couch with a paper and pencil. He wrote to Chris first.
He wrote about how proud he was of him. He wrote everything he wanted to say to Chris. He wrote two notes, one for now and one for when he turns 18.
He wrote to Maddie next, he wrote how thankful he is of her. Taking care of him when his parents didn't. Among other things.
Lastly he wrote to Eddie. He doesn't know what he put in his note. He simply knows it's enough to cover the front and back page. Placing the notes on the table he went to get prepared.
He changed his clothes and grabbed the leftover pills from his accident. It was enough to do the job.
He sat back to the tub, the pill bottle weighing in his hand.
He thought of his sister, how she wouldn't get a true goodbye from him. He took out his phone and called her. It went straight to voicemail. It wasn't a shock, she must’ve been asleep.
At the sound of the beep he started to talk.
“Hey Mads, It's late. I shouldn't be calling but I wanted to tell you that I love you. And goodbye, whatever happens, it isn't your fault or- or anyones. Anyway I love you maddie goodbye.”
He hung up and stared at the phone. After a few seconds he swallowed the pills. It took a minute to hit him, what he had done. He felt himself drifting. He attempted to lay himself on the ground using the last bit of energy he has. He doesn't know how long it has been. His eyes fluttered closed.
He imagined what it would be like, he imagined hearing sirens, and Eddie's voice.
Buck!
He drifted off.
Clean. it's the first thing Buck recognized; it smells sterile. Next, it's the beeping. He knows that sound. He tries to open his eyes, but it felt too heavy. He feels weight on his hand like someone is holding it. Finally his hearing comes, and he hears a voice. Eddie voice.
"Wake up buck, come back please. I can't do this without you"
He falls right back asleep.
He's more awake the second time. He's able to open his eyes. Looking around at the apparent hospital room he's in. He knows he failed. He sees Eddie next to him, sitting in the chair. There's some weight on his side, looking downs its Christopher. He smiles slightly and drags his very heavy hand. Brushing his boy's hair, he sighed contently despite failing his attempt. Buck hears movement and looks at Eddie who awoken from his sleep.
"Hi" Buck said, his throat dried
"Buck! Let me get you some water" Buck smiled a little bigger, Eddie brought the water with a straw, and he drank from it.
Christ shifts from his arms and smiles at his widely "Hey superman"
"Knew you were going to be okay." Christopher said his glasses slightly lopsided. Buck went to fix it, setting it back on correctly.
"Hey bud, why don't you go get something from the vending machine" Eddie handed Christopher a twenty.
When Christopher left Buck decided not to look at Eddie.
"How's everyone?" He asked.
"Of course you'll ask that" Eddie breathed, he can tell it wasn't meant to be harsh full.
"Buck, you almost killed yourself." Buck nodded; he knew that. He feels somewhat relieved he failed in his attempt.
"The others are okay, you're not. Buck looks at me please" Eddie said desperately, Buck looked up and met Eddies eyes. There were tears in them.
"I'm sorry, I read your note. And I'm sorry, I made you feel like you didn't have a family. Thats not true, you're my family. Your Christopher family, and I am so sorry I didn't remind you of that." Eddie sniffed.
"It wasn't your fault I swear, I felt alone and- and replaceable. But it wasn't your fault." Buck grabbed Eddie hand and held it.
"I need help" Buck croaked.
Eddie nodded "We'll get you help". Eddie pulled him into a hug, "I love you" Buck whispered. Eddie squeezed him tighter "I love you too, let's get you help first. Then I'll take you out on that date you wrote about."
He hears walking and feels a dip in the hospital bed. "Family hug" a little voice belonging to Christopher says, He feels an addition to the hug and couldn't be gladder that he was here.