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Torn

Summary:

A few months after the breaking of the Dragon Gem; a guilt-stricken Namaari looks for Raya, the young princess she betrayed, desperate to find peace of mind.

Notes:

TW: Mentions of Suicide and Self-Hatred

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

Guilt paralyzed the young princess. Namaari had been acting strange ever since the day the gem broke. She hardly eats, barely sleeps, she was, well, paralyzed. Viranna saw it. She's tried so hard to help her daughter, but nothing has worked. Namaari would have occasinal meltdowns where she'd bawl for hours on end. At first Viranna told her daughter to not cry, as it wasn't a princesses place to show emotion. But as Namaari's meltdowns worsened, some even lasting days. Viranna knew that something was wrong, VERY wrong. And that led to here. Her daughter has been in bed for days, refusing to move from her position, refusing to speak outside of occasional emotional breakdowns and rants. Viranna sat on a chair next to her seemingly lifeless daughter. "Morning mist?" Viranna asked, holding her daughters' small hand. "I'm so sorry Namaari, I shouldn't have pushed you so far." Viranna said. She squeezed her hand. Attytia walked in with a solemn look on her face. "How is the princess?" She asked. Viranna started crying, "I've killed my daughter. " she said. This was the first time she's openly cried since Namarri was born, especially in front of someone else. Attytia hugged Viranna, trying her best to comfort her chief. "What do I do?" Viranna asked. "How do I save my daughter?" Attytia looked towards Namaari. She couldn't think of anything, healing wounds was one thing, healing minds, was something very different. But then, Namaari started crying. Viranna went to her daughter's side. "What's wrong my love?' Viranna asked her daughter, propping her head up trying to comfort her. Usually Namaari would refuse to answer her mother, but today was different. "I hate myself. " Namaari whispered. Viranna's face went pale. She immediately embraced and held her young daughter. "Sweetheart, " Viranna said, tears falling out of her own face. "Raya, RAYA!!. " Namaari yelled. Viranna tightened her hug, trying to give her daughter some sort of comfort. She understood that the two had bonded that day, after all, that was her plan. But little did she know, it had worked to well. Many of Namaari's panic attacks and nightmares centered around her. Virannas heart broke, "I am so sorry Namaari. " Viranna said. "It was my fault, not yours, I made you do it," Viranna said. She shook her head, "you have nothing to blame yourself for." Viranna said. Namaari looked at her mother, "mom, is Raya okay?" Viranna went silent, she wasn't sure what fate had befallen the young Princess, at that point she hadn't really cared. But soon, Viranna started to see that Namaari had kept Raya on her mind alot, and if Raya was stone or, worse, Viranna worried about how her daughter would react. After Namaari had fallen asleep, Viranna kissed her daughter's forehead, "I love you Morning Mist, please know that." Viranna said walking out of the room, "Ma" Namaari said. Viranna turned around and went to her daughter's side. "What is it Morning Mist," Viranna asked. "I'm sorry I'm not the Princess you want me to be." Namaari said. Viranna took a deep breath, they both knew the expectations Viranna put on her daughter for years, "Morning Mist, I just want you to feel better." Viranna responded, she kissed her daughter's forehead once again. Later that morning however, she had discovered that Namaari had disappeared from the bed. Viranna, at first was elated, maybe she was getting back on her feet and getting back into a routine, but she soon discovered that Namaari wasn't in Fang anymore, she had ran away.

Raya was sitting by a fire, her pet tuk tuk, by her side. She hadn't slept well in months, how could she, her world was destroyed by who she thought could've been a good friend. Instead, she stabbed her in the back, proving what she believed was right, Kumandra was nothing but a pipe dream. Raya wiped a quick tear. Suddenly tuk tuk brushed up against Raya's hand. "Hungry buddy, " Raya asked, "alright, I'll get you some berries. " Raya patted her friend and went into the woods. Raya had found a bush when all of a sudden, "Raya, " she heard from a distance. Raya perked up. She recognized that voice, Namaari. Raya scowled at first, the nerve of that stupid binturri to even try to come back, anger rose at first but then, "Raya, I'm sorry!" Namaari yelled. Raya noticed a tone in her voice, it was almost, desperate. Raya sighed and took the berries back to tuk tuk. She scooped up her tiny pillbug and went searching for Namaari. It didn't take her long, she found Namaari on the bridge, but she was crying, she had fallen to her knees, and what was worse, she was in danger, Drunn still infested this land and without water, Namaari was toast. Though for a moment, Raya stopped. She wondered if this is what Namaari deserved. To be turned to stone and to suffer, as she has suffered. But almost as if her Ba was speaking through tuk tuk, he nudged her leg and growled. Soon Raya took a deep breath and went to her. Expecting an attack, she held a knife close in her pocket. As she came closer, she heard Namaari sobbing even harder. Raya took a deep look at her. She looked horrible. Out of shape, deep bags under her eyes, her eyes were bloodshot and she was covered in scars and bruises. Raya felt an ache in her chest, Namaari did betray her with a smile on her face, she had destroyed her world, and led to the end of Kumandra. But, now, it seemed as if Namaari's guilt had gotten to her. Raya sighed and went to Namaari's side. "Hey," Raya said as she kneeled down to her level. Namaari turned around and looked at Raya. And suddenly, the dam burst. Namaari started sobbing once again. Raya didn't know what to do, she couldn't leave her, not in this state, but she didn't want to make this worse, nor was she sure how to handle this. "Namaari, " Raya said softly. Namaari held Raya's hand. "You're here," she said weakly, sobs mangling her speech. "Yeah Namaari, I'm here. " Raya said as she squeezed her former friends hand. She then heard the roar of drunn. Raya looked at Namaari, she was in no condition to run from drunn. "Namaari, " Raya said, "I know you're going through alot right now, but we need to get to water." Raya said as softly as she could. "You go, just leave me here." Namaari whisperd, "I deserve this. " Raya took Namaari's hand forced her up. "That's not happening," Raya said. She held Namaari close as the two walked away. The two found the campfire by the river, now just smoldering. Raya set Namaari down on a nearby log. She then took off her cloak and gave it to the young Fang princess. "Why are you being kind to me?" Namaari asked. Raya turned around, in the light Namaari looked even worse. The bags under eyes were worse than she thought and she barely looked awake. "Because you need it," Raya said putting a hand on her shoulder. "Why are you here?" Raya asked. Namaari wiped a few more tears from her eyes. "I came here to find you, and if I didn't, or if you were stone, I was gonna, " Namaari said softly though she stopped. Raya could guess though, although it was a horrible thought, "You were gonna turn yourself to stone?" Raya asked. "No," Namaari said. Just then, Raya noticed a knife in Namaari's pocket. She rememberd the bruises and scars across Namaari's body, Raya became horrified, she just thought Namaari tripped and fell, but, evreything added up, and Raya wanted to cry to. "Dep la." Raya whispered. Just then Namaari screamed in pain. Raya immediately hugged Namaari. Raya rubbed her former friends back and tried to comfort her. Raya could see how much Namaari's guilt affected her, but it wasn't until now where she realized how far it truly cut. It was killing her. "I know you'll never forgive me, I'm not here for that, I just needed to make sure you're okay. " Namaari said. Raya shook her head, she wasn't sure if she could forgive Namaari quite yet,but, she dosn't deserve this, no one this young should be thinking like this. Namaari needed something, anything to help her. "Namaari, I, don't know how to help you." Raya said. The two came apart and Namaari rubbed more tears away. "I, can't forget what happened, and I, can't forgive you yet, I'm sorry I just can't. " Raya said. Namaari nodded in understanding, "I know, I can't forgive me either. " Namaari said. But as Raya looked at her, she could tell that more was happening. Namaari didn't just not forgive herself, she was actively trying to end her life. And Raya was her last hope at peace, somehow. "Namaari, I said I can't forgive you yet,yet." Raya whispered. "Namaari ,what you did was terrible, but, I can't watch and let your guilt take control over you, I can't watch you kill yourself like this." Namaari shook her head. "It already has " Namaari said and she began softly crying again. Raya sighed, "what about your mother?" Raya asked. Namaari shook her head, "I can't let her see me like this, she'll hate me, more than she already does. " Namaari said, "do you have any friends, any other family, anyone?" Raya asked. Namaari shook her head, "I have no friends, I have to hide my pain from evreyone, after all, the Princess of Fang can't be seen with emotion huh. " Namaari said. "Shit," Raya thought, this isn't good, this REALLY isn't good. "OK, then, I'll be a friend. " Raya said, wrapping her arms around her. "Why?" Namaari asked. "Because you need a friend, and if no one else will do it, well, I will." Raya said. "But I..." "I know what you did, but looking at how much this has ravaged you, makes me realize I need to move past this, if not for me, then for you." Raya held Namaari's arm. "Let's just rest for tonight, and we'll talk more tomorrow. " Namaari didn't respond, she was shaking, "Namaari. " Raya asked. Nothing. "Dep la, are you okay?" Nothing. She just kept staring at the ground. Raya didn't want to push her, Namaari's mind was fragile and a stern talking to was the last thing she needed. "Try to get some sleep." Raya said softly patting Namaari's shoulder.

Namaari was paralyzed, stuck in her guilt, she thought seeing Raya again would help her,but if anything, it made it worse. Namaari breathed in and out, trying not to wake Raya with another attack. But she couldn't hold it in anymore. She started crying, she tried to keep her sobs down to not wake Raya. But it was no use, Raya bolted awake. She rubbed her eyes and when she was aware, she looked saddened at Namaari. "We gotta get you back to Fang." Raya said. Namaari felt a hole in her chest, "I can't go back. " Namaari said. Raya went to her side. "What happened?" Raya asked. Namaari looked at Raya and took a deep breath. "My mom, she hates me." Namaari said . "How do you know that?" Raya asked. Namaari chocked back a sob, Raya squeezed Namaari's hand. "I'm, not the person she wants me to be, I'm out of shape, I'm being torn apart, I'm not the perfect princess she's expecting me to be." Namaari said. Raya patted her friend's hand, urging her to continue. "I don't want to disappoint her, but, I don't want to be who she wants me to be. " Namaari whispered. Raya nodded and helped Namaari stand up, "well what do you want?" Raya asked. Namaari shrugged, "I don't know, I don't know what I want." Namaari said. Raya began leading Namaari towards the boats, but soon Namaari started crying once again. "I'm sorry," Namaari said. Raya only held Namaari's hand tighter, not saying a single word. Raya had found a boat near the docks and set Namaari down on a seat. "We'll head back to Fang and, you can figure out something from there, okay?" Raya said. Namaari nodded in agreement, she really didn't want to go back, but she also knew she had to, besides, her mom is probably worried sick.... Namaari tried to sleep but she failed once again, and she started crying again. Raya, who was maneuvering the boat, sighed and went to Namaari's side. "Raya, I promise I'll change, I promise to try to earn forgiveness, I promise I won't hurt you or anyone ever again." Namaari said. Raya took Namaari's hand, "It's okay Namaari, I, can't say I understand, and I can't say I can forgive you, but I know you want to change." Raya said. "How do you know ," Namaari asked, "how do you know I want to change, I don't even know if I can change, I, I've done too much, I'm unworthy of a second chance." Namaari said. Raya hugged her friend tightly, " I'm better off dead, I should just kill myself." Namaari said. Raya choked back a sob and she rubbed Namaari's back. "Namaari, listen to me, EVREYONE deserves a second chance, even you." "But I," "Even. You." Raya interrupted Namaari, "I want you to know that despite the fact that I can't forgive you, I want you to know that I believe you can change, you wouldn't be here right now if you didn't want to change, but you have to give yourself that chance, please." Raya said rubbing namaari's shoulders. Namaari shook her head, "why should I give myself a chance, I ruined countless lives, I stabbed you in the back", "But you came back Namaari, you came back." Raya said. "That's all that matters now, I can tell you want to change." Raya said. Namaari put her face in her hands, "I feel like I'm being torn apart," Namaari said. "I want to be your friend, I want to start again, but I can't, I don't know how," Namaari said. Raya wiped a tear from her own face, "neither do I," Raya said, "but we can start here." Raya said. Namaari nodded in agreement. Namaari soon laid back down and fell asleep with little trouble this time.

Viranna and the royal guard had been looking for Namaari all day and into the night, Viranna however needed a bit of bedrest, especially after a long and stressful day such as this one. She wasn't sure where Namaari could've gone, but she knew why she had gone, she was looking for Raya. Viranna was concerned about what Namaari would find, and what she would do if Raya was stone, or worse. But soon, a flare was shot up in the air. Namaari's flare. Viranna went up to the window and saw a boat coming down the river. Viranna ran down the palace and she saw the young Heart Princess maneuvering a small boat towards the dock. When the boat was stationed, Viranna came alone to the ship and saw her daughter sleeping on a seat. Viranna looked to the side and saw Raya, "Princess, I have no words, I'm sorry." Viranna said. Raya nodded her head in understanding, "Please take care of her Chief, she's going through alot." Raya said looking at Namaari, Viranna noticed that for the first time in months, she was peaceful, it looked like she didn't have a single worry in the world. Viranna scooped up Namaari and carried her off of the boat. "Wait!" Raya yelled behind her, Viranna turned to face Raya, "c-can I come with, I just wanna say goodbye to her." Raya asked. Viranna nodded, "Of course, it's the least I could do for you." Viranna said, knowing damn well what she had put this poor young girl through these past months.

Namaari awoke in her room, she looked around and it hadn't been touched since she left. Suddenly, she saw Raya in the corner of the room, her eyes still open observing Namaari, "hey Namaari." Raya said. Namaari smiled, "hey Raya," she said, "where's ma?" Namaari asked. "She went to bed an hour ago, she'd spent almost two straight days looking for you." Raya said smiling. Namaari chuckled but her face dropped quickly, "Raya, I truly am, so, freaking, sorry." Namaari said. Raya went over to Namaari and hugged her, "I know Namaari, I know." Raya whispered. Namaari looked at her friend with red eyes, "how do I not hate myself, after what I've put you through, after what I said, what I did." Namaari said. Raya simply held Namaari tighter, "I don't know Namaari," Raya said. Namaari broke away and Raya cupped Namaari's cheeks. "Where will you go?" Namaari asked. Raya shrugged her shoulders, "I don't know, but I'll figure something out." Raya said. Namaari took Raya's hand, "you're always welcome here Raya." Namaari said. Raya nodded, "I know, and thanks for the offer." Raya hugged Namarri tightly and waved goodbye, Namaari waved back. "Raya," Namaari said. Raya turned around, "thank you, for everything, and I am so sorry." Namaari said. Raya nodded, "you're welcome Namaari, I hope you find peace one day, dep la, I really, really do." Raya said. Namaari went back further into her bed and saw Raya's shadow jump from the balcony, "stay safe, my dragon nerd." Namaari said. She could've sworn she heard Raya chuckling.

6 years later "What's drippin dep la, oh, I see you've made a new friend." Namaari said as she courted Raya, the heart princess who stole Namaari's dragon scroll. "Namaari," Raya snarled next to an older blue haired woman, "something tells me you're not besties." At that Raya chuckled under her breath, Namaari couldn't help but crack a smirk. "Y'know, up until recently I thought you were stone, but, someone stole Fang's dragon scroll." Namaari said, trying her best to hide a laugh. "Oh, so that's why you're here," Raya said tossing the scroll to Namaari, "and here I was thinking it was because you missed me." 'Huh, she still has it.' Namaari thought. "Leave, I'll deal with her myself." She said to her soldiers, "but your highness?" One of them said, "leave!" Namaari yelled. The soldiers bowed to their commander and left. The second they left, Namaari and Raya began laughing. "What's going on?" the blue haired woman asked. "I thought you, hated her?" She asked Raya. "Hate her, nah, she's been my best friend for years now." Raya said with an infectious smile. The two had been in contact with each other over 6 years, Raya would often visit Fang Namaari jumped with her serlot over to the ledge and hugged Raya tightly. "I'm surprised you we're able to keep up that facade dep la." Raya said. "Oh shut up." Namaari said as she rubbed her nose on Raya's neck, earning a squeal from the Heart Princess. "I was honestly more surprised you made this jump." Namaari said, noting the large chasm benath them. "I'm more capable than you think.. dep la." Raya said smiling. Raya cupped Namaari's cheek, "I missed you, you know." Raya said. Namaari nodded, "and I missed you." she said pulling Raya back into her arms. "WHAT IS GOING ON?!" the older woman asked, clearly confused. The two separated and Raya threw an arm around Namaari's shoulder, "Namaari, this is Sisu, Sisu, this is Namaari, my best friend." Raya said. "Wait, Sisu, as in?" Namaari looked towards Raya, Raya smiled and nodded. Namaari gasped and bowed in solidarity. "No need Namaari, besides, it makes me feel uncomfortable." Sisu said. "But, how did you? Change?" Namaari asked. "Well, apparently each piece of the gem gives her a certain power, mine made her glow, Tail's made her human." Raya said. "Wow!" Namaari whispered, "yeah, wow." Raya said. Namaari and Raya looked lovingly at each other and Namaari chuckled under her breath, "c'mon, I got a place for you guys." Namarari said, taking Raya's hand and leading them back towards the entrance of the chasm.

Notes:

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