Archive of Our Own ^beta

Bruce isn’t entirely sure when or even how it started, but somehow in their short, yet long relationship, they have managed to set certain rules. And by they he really means Clark, because Bruce has no idea how the hell someone makes actual rules in a relationship. Don’t lie. Don’t cheat. Those are rules but they’re for every relationship, so why bother coming up with their own? He has a lot to learn, evidently, and Clark is more than willing to teach him. 

It’s not like Clark comes up with five rules and shoves them at Bruce, complete with clauses and conditions. No, that would probably have been better, if Bruce is honest. Instead Clark comes up with them on the spot and pretends like they’ve always been there. It’s infuriating but also oddly endearing. Not that Bruce tells him that. They may be more honest with each other now, but being honest doesn’t mean Bruce has to tell Clark every single thought he has. 

It's not like Bruce is writing them down as they’re made (that’s a lie, he absolutely writes them down. He doesn’t want to mess up again and he likes taking notes, okay?), but he does remember every single one. Not just because they’re important, that goes without saying. If Clark thinks something is important enough to make up a rule for it, it’s important to Bruce. But that’s not the main reason why he remembers every one of them. It’s because Clark is an absolute menace, and he likes to make things difficult for Bruce. Or, you know, he loves him dearly and likes making Bruce smile, no matter the reason why. That’s what Clark will say if you ask him, but Bruce disagrees. It’s mostly for show but he still disagrees. 

Clark likes pleading his case either way and he always gets excited when he gets to be the “smart one” of them. Bruce lets him because well. Clark is the smart one, at least in most aspects. Bruce just happens to know a lot about a few subjects, such as hand-to-hand combat, strategy and weaponry, as well as planning missions and training sessions so they’re best suited for the intended purpose. None of those skills are very useful in a relationship though, Bruce has learned. Which is why he’s more than happy to let Clark take the lead when it comes to the whole… them thing. He’s fucked up more than enough before they even really got started with this relationship (for the third time), so he wants to do it right. 

That’s not to say that he doesn’t participate. He may be many things but he’s not an idiot (most of the time); he learns from his mistakes. When he’s uncertain he’ll ask Clark directly to clear things up. When he wants something, he does his best to ask for it. He knows better than to assume anything without having discussed it with Clark first. He still messes up, obviously, but he’s trying. It’s a work in progress. He’s a work in progress. 

Which is also why he does his absolute best to comply with any and all rules Clark sets for them. Even though the oaf of a man clearly is cheating with half of them. 

“It’s not my fault, B, I don’t make the rules,” he’ll say, even though he clearly is the one making them up. And since it’s on the spot too, it’s clear it’s to get his way or to make Bruce roll his eyes. 

Clark will do anything to make Bruce smile, even if it means making him grumble and blush like an idiot first. While it mostly makes Bruce’s chest tighten with fondness and the overwhelming feeling of how much he loves Clark, he also wishes that he could turn the tables, just once. 

Clark loves making Bruce smile. He doesn’t care if it takes him spilling coffee down his shirt or a surprise tickle attack - as long as Bruce smiles, Clark’s day has been made. He will do almost anything to see Bruce’s nose scrunch up, see the lines around his eyes deepen. Bruce always bats his hands away when Clark thumbs at them, saying something stupid like it’s just a sign of him aging, when they both know better. They’re signs that Bruce has lived, has laughed. And Clark loves being the reason for them being more prominent. 

Bruce’s smile may be Clark’s favorite expression but it’s not the only one he enjoys evoking on Bruce’s face. The way he’ll roll his eyes or shake his head when he thinks Clark is being particularly idiotic is a close second. More times than not it’s one of these that he gets when he starts making rules for them. 

What started as a small joke has turned into a bit of a long-term game and Clark loves it. Bruce does too although he’ll never admit to it. Clark didn’t set out to make a list of rules but Bruce’s reaction to them every time he does is just too priceless to stop. The first year of their relationship has Clark make up a handful of rules and while Bruce protests and bickers, it’s clear from that small smile on his face that he’s happy Clark feels comfortable enough to joke around like this. 

Their very first Relationship Rule (“What’s with the name? No, Clark, I don’t think that makes it sound more official, it makes you sound insane.”) is the one that Clark made up barely a month into their relationship. Before the whole… incident with Bruce misunderstanding and assuming all on his own. So while they’ve technically started over since then, twice no less if you count the whole catfishing thing, Clark still counts the rule as an official one. It has a special place in his heart and even if Bruce denies it, Clark knows it’s his favorite too. 

Honesty is important to the both of them. Especially after what they’ve been through in their relationship already. While the rule was made up on the spot before they’d gone through the little hiccup in their relationship, Clark doesn’t keep it to punish Bruce. They’ve talked it through many times and probably will many more just to make sure they’re both on the same page. So while answering questions honestly may seem like Clark’s way to keep Bruce in line, it’s anything but. He just wants Bruce to trust him enough to be honest and sometimes the vigilante needs a little help in that department. Not when it comes to serious discussions or matters but the small things. Things like his likes and dislikes, what he’s comfortable with, how he’s feeling; both emotionally and physically because it does not take long for Clark to realize that Bruce is terrible at showing any kind of weakness. Even to him. 

He knows it has nothing to do with them and everything to do with Bruce having lived a life where he’s had to keep most of his injuries and issues a secret from the world around him. And while Clark understands and respects that, he also wants Bruce to realize he’s not alone anymore. There are no more secrets. So even if he has to threaten to tickle him until he pees himself, Clark will get him to answer any and all silly questions truthfully. For Bruce’s own good - and because Clark wants to know everything there is to know about his boyfriend. 

So the first rule goes as follows: 

Relationship Rule number 1: You have to answer all questions truthfully or there will be consequences (see punishments for more notes*). 

*Punishments that are acceptable: tickles, butterfly kisses, Kryptonite rings, and the occasional PDA in front of Bruce’s kids (they’re still discussing that last one) 

Additional info: Clark’s knees are his weak spot (thank you, Mr. Kent), Bruce only has weak spots (this information is graciously supplied by four anonymous helpers) 

Clark has used this rule more than once since he made it up. While his memory is near perfect on any given day, he finds himself especially fondly remembering the first time he used it; the time he made it up on the thick rug in Bruce’s living room, wanting to know if Bruce had been a jock or a nerd as a kid. It seems silly now that that’s how he came up with it, but Clark is nothing if not self aware. Well, mostly. He knows most of their rules are made up for silly reasons and that’s just fine with him. 

He’s used the rule to make Bruce admit when he hasn’t had enough sleep. That one is especially tough but Clark manages it. It does take about seven rounds of punishment tickles before Bruce finally concedes but he does in the end. It’s mostly because he’s so tired he can’t fight back properly (not that he really can fight back when it’s Clark, although that doesn’t stop him from trying) but neither of them comment on that fact. In any case Clark gets to carry Bruce up the stairs after he’s delegated some of his work out to his children. Clark still has a hard time looking at the four boys and seeing Gotham’s vigilantes but after spending a certain amount of time around them, he knows they’re amazingly capable. He really shouldn’t have doubted that, seeing as they’ve mostly been raised by Bruce. 

Clark has also used the rule to figure out if Bruce truly doesn’t like sweet things or if he’s just pretending. It’s the latter most of the time, although he does tell Clark that he cannot even imagine drinking the sugar bombs Clark enjoys on their coffee dates. Clark thinks he’s exaggerating. After all, was it not Bruce who made fried Oreos their thing? The man will take every opportunity to buy them and then turns around and tries to make it sound like it’s because he’s a romantic and not because he will use any excuse to get a mouthful of sugary treat he usually denies himself. The same guy who can barely sit through fifteen minutes of a rom com without falling asleep. The gesture is sweet, literally, but Clark knows Bruce hides behind good intentions instead of just admitting that he likes sweet things. 

Bruce eats at least two servings of every single batch of brownies Jason leaves at the manor because “anything else would be rude, Clark”, but he also likes both syrup and sugar on his pancakes. He never says no to Ma’s pies, no matter the flavor, and accepts the giant helping of whipped cream she more often than not puts on top. And most recently Clark has noticed that with a little nudge - or if Clark simply pretends he doesn’t notice - Bruce will add a splash of something sweet to his coffee. Not all the time but enough that Clark has noticed it. He has made the executive decision not to tell Bruce, no matter how much he wants to tease him, because then he’ll just stop getting vanilla pumps or caramel syrup in his bitter, awful coffee and Clark can’t have that. 

Despite the rule there are a lot of things Bruce is slightly unwilling to admit at first but they’re still tickling, sorry, talking about those. Clark isn’t worried; he has all the time in the world to figure Bruce out. It doesn’t stop him from asking what Bruce will absolutely call idiotic or unnecessary questions. 

Questions like, “Do you like dogs or cats better?” (He’s indifferent) and “What’s your favorite view you’ve ever witnessed?” (Watching the sunset in Kansas with Clark) and “If you were an animal, what animal would you be? You can’t say bat!” (They semi-agree on a cat. Okay, Clark agrees) and “What’s your favorite movie?” (Bruce doesn’t really watch movies much, but if he has to pick a favorite it’s Zorro) and “If I was a worm, would you still love me?” That one just earns Clark the most tired bat-glare he’s ever seen. It’s worth it when Bruce gasps out between giggles that yes, he would still love Clark if he was magically turned into a worm. But he adds later on that he’d figure out how to turn him back so the question is redundant. 

Clark happens to like asking his boyfriend redundant questions. Or any questions, really, because he knows Bruce will eventually answer to his best ability, even if the question is silly. 

“Do you like horror movies?” Clark asks one night. It’s Thursday and the boys have all left. Damian with Dick because he knows that Thursdays are movies and date night for them. Tim, surprisingly, runs after Jason and Jason, even more surprisingly, lets him. Clark would like to think he’s had a positive effect on the boys but he’s not delusional enough to take all the credit; it’s most likely just because none of them want to stick around to see their father cuddling his boyfriend all night on the couch. 

“Sure,” is Bruce’s easy answer. There’s an almost undetectable flutter in his heart rate when he speaks though, which is why Clark responds with another question. 

“Are you sure?” 

“Am I- what is this, twenty questions?” Bruce shakes his head fondly. Clark has been asking him questions all night, even dragging the boys into it like it’s a fun little game of theirs. It kind of is. “I like horror movies just fine, Clark.” 

“So do you want to watch one?” Clark asks but Bruce hesitates for just long enough that he immediately backtracks. “We don’t have to. We can watch something else.” 

“No, it’s fine,” Bruce says with another shake of his head. This one is denial instead of fondness. It’s also much more tense which is not the point of their movie nights. 

They have these unofficial date nights after family dinner because Bruce sometimes comes out of them feeling drained and with a bruised ago. They’re doing better with the boys, both Bruce and Clark, but that doesn’t mean it’s perfect. Sometimes Damian will blame Bruce for not being there when he was younger, sometimes Dick and Bruce will fight over something small that ends up becoming something big. Sometimes Jason will sneer and spit out insults at everyone at the table. Sometimes Tim will be overstimulated or he’ll disagree with Bruce on a case and it’ll end up in another fight. They’re family. Family fights sometimes. 

Of course, that’s not the only reason they spend Thursday nights together but it’s a big part of it. Which is why Clark can’t just let Bruce tense up and shut down like this. There’s more to the story but even if he doesn’t want to share just yet, he still has to be honest. That’s the rule, after all. 

“Bruce,” he says.  

“What.” Bruce always does this when he’s trying to hide something. His whats become full stop sentences instead of questions. 

“Do you like horror movies?” 

“I just told you-” 

“Relationship rules,” Clark interrupts him. He hopes it will ease the tension in Bruce’s shoulders if he makes it the lighthearted joke he meant it to be. It’s not like Clark adores scary movies, he really just wants an excuse to hold Bruce’s hand the entire time. Maybe pretend to be scared and hide his face in Bruce’s neck, sneak in some extra cuddles. 

“Wh-” 

“You have to answer honestly or I will have to punish you, you know this,” Clark reminds him with a smile.  

Bruce rolls his eyes but his shoulders are dropping from their tense position as they speak. “I am being honest.” 

“Your heart says otherwise,” Clark sing-songs because it’s the truth. He’d much rather poke a little fun at Bruce’s inability to admit when he’s scared than accidentally step his foot in some unresolved trauma Bruce isn’t ready to talk about yet.  

“My hea- you can tell when someone’s lying?” Bruce gapes at him. “Since when?” 

“Since always,” Clark says. He doesn’t explain that it might not have been always but long enough that he’s got a pretty good handle on it by now. He also doesn’t tell him that it doesn’t actually work very well on Bruce, because his heart rate is insanely steady at any and all times. Where’s the fun in that? 

“But you never-” Bruce stops mid sentence and his expression turns sour again. 

Damn it. 

Clark doesn’t have to be a genius to know what he’s thinking about. He shuffles a little closer and reaches for Bruce’s hand. He counts it as a win that he doesn’t instantly pull away. He has a tendency to close himself off when he feels insecure even now. Even though he’s trying to do better. 

“It’s not foolproof,” Clark tells him honestly. “And it’s not like I can account for heart defects or the usual heart flutter. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you.” 

“No,” Bruce says as he shakes his head. “No, you didn’t upset me.” 

“I don’t need superhearing to tell that’s not the truth, B.” 

“I just- it’s not in your file.” 

“It’s not like you have my file memorized down to-” Clark trails off. No, that is exactly the type of person Bruce is. He probably knows more about Superman than Clark does. “It didn’t really seem relevant to add.” 

“That’s debatable,” Bruce mutters. He doesn’t like not knowing everything, Clark knows this, but it’s not like he lied about his abilities. Detecting a blip in a heartbeat doesn’t really seem relevant when they’re usually fighting aliens and robots and whatnot with the League. They’re not cops, they don’t actually interrogate people. 

“It’s not like you ever lied to me,” Clark says honestly, because he knows that’s what Bruce is still focusing on. He has that devastated look on his face, the same one he always has when they talk about what went on between them before. When they talk about how he messed up. It’s not that Clark doesn’t want to talk about it - he knows they have to in order to move on properly - but it’s been over a year already. He knows Bruce knows he’s forgiven him, that they’re past it. But Bruce… has a way of holding onto any guilt for way longer than he’s supposed to. 

“I didn’t exactly tell you the truth either,” Bruce says softly. 

“I can only hear your heart, B, not your omissions.” Clark isn’t a human lie detector, after all. And he doesn’t want to be. Being honest and answering stupid questions is the fun part of the rule but he doesn’t actually want to force Bruce to do anything he doesn’t want to. And that includes telling him whatever he’s thinking. 

There’s a moment of quiet where Bruce seems to sink into himself a little. He’s still holding Clark’s hand though so he’s not entirely gone. When Clark squeezes his hand, Bruce looks up. 

“Sorry,” he says. “Lost in thought.” 

“Wanna share?” Clark asks with a small smile. 

“It’ll cost you,” Bruce jokes back. His laugh is a little forced but not enough that it worries Clark. Neither of them particularly enjoys talking about those few weeks where they weren’t speaking. Well, where Bruce wasn’t letting them speak. 

“You’d charge your own boyfriend money?” Clark then fake gasps and holds a hand over his heart. It seems like the right response, judging from how Bruce is barely holding back his smile. “How cruel.” 

“I would never,” Bruce teases right back. “You know I don’t need money.” 

“What will you charge me then?” Clark grins. “Does it involve nudity? Because I will tell you right now, Mr. Wayne, I don’t do nude shoots for less than two whole thoughts.” 

“That’s all?” Bruce challenges. 

“Are you calling me cheap?” Clark fakes another outraged gasp. It’s a well known fact that Bruce could stop working, donate millions to charity and still have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of his life, even while taking care of Clark and the boys at the same time. It’s not something any of the kids will ask him to do and neither will Clark. But it is fun poking at the billionaire who thinks he’s all that and a bag of chips. 

“I wouldn’t dare.” 

“You absolutely would,” Clark disagrees. 

“You’re right,” Bruce grins. “But only because you’re already mine.” 

Well, if that doesn’t melt Clark’s heart, he doesn't know what will. Despite Bruce’s adamant denial, he really does have a way with words. He just doesn’t use as many as others would but that’s just fine with Clark. Bruce always uses the right ones for him. Clark reaches an arm around Bruce’s shoulders and pulls him closer so he can press a kiss to his temple. 

The silence that stretches this time is much more comfortable. 

“You don’t have to share anything you don’t want to,” Clark says after a while. He knows he doesn’t have to but since he’s the one who made the rule, he feels like he should remind Bruce that it’s not an ironclad law. They make their own rules and Bruce is safe to share whatever he wants whenever he wants. Unless it’s an emergency or regarding their relationship, Clark won’t press him. 

“I know,” Bruce says and then leans his head on Clark’s shoulder. “But I want to share everything with you.” 

“You know I’ll always be here for you, so there’s no rush,” Clark tells him as he buries his face in Bruce’s hair. It smells faintly of bananas, Bruce’s usual shampoo scent subtle enough to go undetected unless Clark actively seeks it out like this.  

“You should make that a rule instead,” Bruce comments.  

“We can always have more than one rule, you know,” Clark says eagerly. He pulls back to smile brightly at Bruce, who suddenly looks uncomfortable.  

“There’s really no need for more of these,” he tries.  

“Oh no, you’ve already added it,” Clark fires back.  

“Shit,” Bruce mutters as he slumps further into the couch.  

Clark laughs and then spends the next fifteen minutes kissing Bruce until he stops pouting. 

So inadvertently Bruce comes up with their second rule without meaning to. It’s not a dumb rule by any means and it’s made out of a sweet situation. That doesn’t mean it stays like that though.

Relationship Rule number 2: You must always be there for your partner, physically and emotionally. 

Trust falls are included in the physical aspect of the rule, Bruce learns very quickly. While Bruce technically came up with the rule by some sort of miracle, it isn’t actually until Clark uses it a few weeks later that it is officially added to the Relationship Rules (Bruce wants to die even thinking those words, but Clark insists he use the official name). It starts out as another joke; Clark wants Bruce to watch movies with him, even the ones that bore Bruce to near death. So he twists the rule to make it impossible for Bruce to decline, unless he wants to face the wrath that is Clark’s stupidly big hands digging into his sides or his neck. Bruce accepts defeat easily; it’s not like he doesn’t like watching movies with Clark, he just wishes they weren’t all gooey romcoms. The mood they set isn’t too bad though, so he just rolls with it. At least Clark has let the whole horror movie thing go quite easily so this is the least Bruce can do, he supposes. 

Besides, it’s just another silly rule that’s really only meant to tease and poke fun. Bruce knows Clark loves using these rules as an excuse to tickle him or kiss him silly and honestly, that’s not too bad. The kissing part, of course, he would very much prefer not to be rendered a giggling mess on the floor on a semi regular basis. But that is the punishment Clark has set out and it’s not like Bruce can’t take revenge if he so pleases. So Bruce plays along; he objects a few times, goes through his “punishment” and eventually relents. It’s all a part of their game and while he wouldn’t admit so, he finds it enjoyable. He feels young again whenever Clark comes at him with that shit eating grin, wiggling his fingers around like he’s wielding some sort of weapon. 

The first time Clark chases him through the entire manor because he’s refused to sit through another three hour long movie filled with separation, rainy confessions and a happy ending, they nearly wreck half the vases in the hall. Clark is objectively faster but he’s also much more careful than Bruce is. This is his home after all, and while Clark is comfortable here now, he doesn’t want to cause damage to any of Bruce’s things. Bruce, on the other hand, couldn’t give less of a shit what furniture he crashes into in his haste to get out of Clark’s reach. So what if that vase was a gift from some important politician? Bruce will use any distraction to make sure Clark doesn’t get his hands on him. 

He hears the distinct sound of porcelain breaking against the floor but that doesn’t stop him from bolting up the stairs. He hears Clark swear and Bruce is halfway up the stairs before he seemingly decides to leave the mess to chase after him. This time Clark opts to cheat so they don’t crash against one of the expensive paintings hanging in the hallway; Bruce doesn’t have to look behind him to know that Clark is using his powers to get past him. 

“Using your powers is cheating!” Bruce yelps as he tries to stop before he collides with Clark’s chest. He could have at least have had the decency to stop further down the hall so Bruce has a fighting chance, but of course he doesn’t. 

Clark’s large hands grab Bruce’s biceps, simultaneously stopping him from slamming into Clark’s body and falling over but also preventing him from slipping away. Again. 

“There are no rules against use of powers,” Clark tells him as he grins. “Otherwise you would’ve already lost, Mr. Grapple-hooking-through-the-living-room.” 

“I threw it away after!” Bruce objects as he squirms in Clark’s arms. “And the grapple is a tool, not a power!” 

“It’s a bat tool, that’s the same thing.” 

“Is not!” Bruce says and even he can tell he sounds about five years old and not his actual forty years. He doesn’t care because Clark is already wiggling his fingers into his armpit. 

“I gotcha now,” Clark laughs. “You did this to yourself, B.” 

“No-ho-ho-hooooo,” Bruce whines as he thrashes in Clark's arms. He bites his lower lip to keep the laughter from spilling out but Clark knows exactly where to attack and Bruce can’t get out of his grasp. “Sto-ho-hahaha-stop.” 

“It wouldn’t be much of a punishment if I just let you go before you’ve learned your lesson.” 

“I ha-hahaha-have!” 

“Hmm,” Clark pretends to think about it, even as he digs his fingers into Bruce’s sides, making him curl into himself as much as possible when he’s smushed up against Clark’s chest. “Nah, I don’t believe you.” 

“Clark!” Bruce gasps and then his knees give out. It doesn’t give him even a tiny break from Clark’s tickling though, because Clark just follows him down on the floor. With his back against the floor, Bruce tries desperately to fight Clark off, pulling at his shirt, his hair, his arms. Nothing is working. Stupid super strength. “Ple-hehehe-hease!” 

It’s only Alfred’s cool voice that finally manages to stop Clark’s attack. 

“Sirs,” he greets as if this is the most normal sight in the manor. It kind of is. At least it isn’t the first time he’s caught them like this. “Your dinner reservation is in an hour. In case you want to freshen up before you go.” 

He looks pointedly at the way Bruce’s crumpled shirt is shoved up to his armpits and then at the way Clark’s hair is standing up like Bruce has been pulling at it aggressively. Which he has. Clark has the decency to look ashamed; he’s still intimidated by Alfred for some reason. 

Bruce, however, just smiles at Alfred and says, a tad breathlessly, “Thanks, Alfred. We’ll get ready in a minute.” 

“I take it I should get rid of the mess that used to be a priceless Ming vase in the foyer?” Alfred then asks with a raised eyebrow. 

Even Bruce has to look away this time. “Uh, yeah, yes, please.” 

“Sorry, Alfred,” Clark tacks on softly. 

So yes, Bruce accepts the rules and even enjoys them to some extent, even when it ends up with him on his back on the floor. He’s never really had any issues with the punishments or the rules. Until Clark lets him know that he meant the “physically” part of the second rule as well. And not in the fun way Bruce has expected - oh no, this has nothing to do with the bedroom. 

It starts out quite innocently, as these things usually do. They’re about to leave for their respective work, Clark a few steps behind Bruce on the stairs when it happens the first time. 

“Trust fall,” Clark declares before his entire body weight slams into Bruce’s side, nearly toppling them both to the floor. It’s only Bruce’s quick reflexes that make sure they’re still standing.  

“What are you- are you okay?” He asks, slightly panicked. Clark may pretend to be a clumsy reporter but he’s anything but clumsy in real life. If he’s feeling dizzy or out of sorts, Bruce will cancel his morning meeting and demand Clark go to the cave with him for extensive testing. 

“It’s a trust fall,” Clark says, grinning at him like he thinks he’s being particularly clever.  

“What are you talking about?” Bruce frowns. He removes his hands from Clark’s shoulders now that he knows there isn’t actually something wrong with him. 

“Trust fall,” Clark repeats. “It’s when you-”

“I know what a trust fall is, but why are you doing it?” Bruce doesn’t point out that usually a trust fall is performed with one’s back to whoever is supposed to catch you. And it isn’t usually done halfway down a flight of stairs. Or between grown men who are in a relationship. 

“It’s in the rules,” Clark tells him confidently. Which is how he announces a new rule every time so it really shouldn’t surprise him at this point. 

But Bruce still just stares at his boyfriend’s grinning face. “What,” he eventually says, because what in the world does trust falls have to do with honesty or caring for each other? 

“You have to be there for me in any and all capacities and vice versa,” Clark says. “Emotionally and physically, remember?”  

“I thought you made that rule up because I didn’t want to sit through Titanic again,” Bruce says as he narrows his eyes. They’ve seen it so many times, he’s pretty sure he can quote the entire movie, despite them not actually paying attention half the time.  

“That is true but it’s not just pertinent to movies,” Clark explains like that would be common knowledge. 

“So trust falls?” Bruce asks with a blank expression. He really should be more surprised. 

“Yep.” 

“You could’ve given me a warning.” 

“I did. I said trust fall.” Clark smiles brightly. 

Bruce sighs but knows he has no choice but to simply accept it. Those are the rules, after all. 

Now, Bruce doesn’t actually mind Clark’s silly little trust fall game, but to his dismay his children hear about this particular rule quite quickly. Bruce suspects Damian has overheard and then told his brothers about it, because suddenly Bruce has to leap off rooftops to grab Tim mid-fall after he’s yelled “trust fall!” and jumps into the air without shooting his grappling hook. 

It isn’t until Dick throws himself down a flight of stairs at a gala that Bruce catches on entirely. Dick knows better than to make a ruckus at a public event but apparently “he was dared” by his brothers and Bruce will have a very serious talk with all his children at the next family dinner.

The talk doesn’t go over the way he wants it to because there are four boys and Clark against him. Even Alfred seems to think it’s “rather funny, Master Bruce” and Bruce is left to fend for himself. He doesn’t know when this happened either but somehow the boys have all taken such a liking to Clark that Bruce often finds himself alone in disagreements which is… ridiculous. It’s never about serious things obviously, but still. It’s how Bruce finds his kitchen stocked with the most sugary sweet things known to man (Tim and Clark), as well as how his wardrobe suddenly has more plaids than dress shirts (Dick and Clark). Then he has to talk Damian out of filling the cave with animals and agrees to let him go visit the Kents if he would please for the love of God explain where he got that alligator from (Bruce suspects Clark doesn’t actually have much to do with this except that he’s told Damian about the farm animals). 

Now when it comes to Jason it’s… complicated. It’s good, it’s better but it’s still complicated. There’s a lot of work to be done and while Bruce has always thought a partner would make it harder, it turns out that Jason sort of… likes Clark. Not that he’d ever admit to it but when Bruce finds them in the same room reading books, he knows Jason has approved entirely of Clark. Again. There has been a bit of tension between them, but Bruce can understand Jason’s hesitance after the talk in his hideout. It’s Bruce’s fault, of course, but Jason is good at making his own decisions regardless of what Bruce thinks. It's probably why he takes such a long time to warm up to Clark properly. When he does though, there is nothing that can stop him. Bruce has found Clark stuffing brownies in his face on more than one occasion because “it’s too bad if they go to waste, B, he put so much effort into these.” It doesn’t matter that Bruce knows it’s more stress relief for Jason than actual effort. Either way he’s happy they get along. He’s happy all his children get along with Clark. 

He is, however, not too happy that Clark’s relationship rules bleed into his family life. Mainly, the damn trust fall thing. Because it becomes an entire thing . 

Now, Bruce will begrudgingly accept that it does little to no harm when they’re training or in their private lives, but of course the kids can’t keep it there. Bruce is on patrol with Damian, the early shift because he has school in the morning, when his youngest suddenly disappears. That’s not unlike Damian, he has his own way of doing things but he’s getting better at sticking to Bruce’s side - or at the very least Bruce’s plan. This particular night though, Bruce finds himself alone in the middle of explaining why exactly they need to be careful around these old buildings, because they could crumble beneath their feet at any moment. He looks around, wondering if his Robin has noticed something Bruce hasn’t. 

That is not the case. 

The case is that Damian hates not being the best at whatever he does and just last week Tim made a show of jumping off one of the gargoyles just to have Bruce catch him mid-air. He’s getting used to their antics, but they usually give him some sort of verbal warning. Whether that’s snickering all night or simply yelling “trust fall” several feet from the edge of whatever building they’re jumping off, Bruce won’t know until they get to it, but at least it’s a warning of some kind. Damian, it seems, has come to the conclusion that verbal warnings are overrated and the only way to outshine his brothers is to not give one until he’s already thrown himself off a rooftop. And his warning comes in the form of morse code; beeping belatedly into Bruce’s cowl so he has no actual way of catching Damian. 

Panicked out of his mind, Bruce does the only thing he can think of and screams at the top of his lungs, “Clark!” 

He has never been more grateful that Clark keeps an ear out for his voice even when he’s not in the suit, and he’s thankful that Clark isn’t on the other side of the world, saving someone else, because Bruce is still several yards away from where Damian will land - head first - on the dirty pavement. Clark swoops in and catches a disgruntled Robin, who can’t stop scolding him for ruining the fun. 

Bruce in turn grabs Damian’s arm and drags him towards the batmobile. He doesn’t say a word and that has Damian shut up instantly. He orders Damian in the car and then turns to Clark, trying to conceal how badly he’s shaking. 

“Thank you,” he says softly and when Clark looks at him, all worried eyes and mouth opening to ask him what’s going on, Bruce just shakes his head. They’ll talk about it later. Right now he needs to get his son home and have a serious talk about putting yourself in danger for fun. 

It’s more or less a repeat of that first talk he had with all the boys but Bruce makes sure that Damian understands how reckless it is to endanger himself like that, worrying Bruce to the point where he has to call Clark in to help. Damian fights back, says that the other boys do the same thing, but Bruce isn’t having it. Yes, Tim jumped off a roof (3 separate times) but he never did so without any warning and never when it’s just him and Bruce. How is Bruce supposed to stay alert when he has to worry about his children throwing themselves hundreds of feet hurtling towards the ground? 

“I’m angry that you would take such a risk but more than that, I was worried sick,” Bruce tells his youngest and that finally seems to get through to him. 

“I had a contingency plan,” Damian mutters but he’s avoiding Bruce’s eyes which means he feels guilty. He’s never one to break eye contact, Ra’s has taught him it’s a sign of weakness. Another thing Bruce is trying to un-teach him. 

“That I didn’t know about. All I knew was that you were seconds away from hitting the ground, Damian, do you understand how scary that was?” 

Damian is well aware of how stubborn Bruce is about his own fear. How he would rather swallow his own tongue than admit to being scared. That he’d rather, say, dress up as a bat and fight criminals at night than admit the mammals scared the shit out of him as a kid and as an adult. 

“I risked involving Clark as well,” Bruce goes on when Damian doesn’t answer. “What if he had been in the middle of a crisis?” 

“You didn’t have to call him,” Damian says but his voice is soft, not accusatory. 

“I didn’t have a choice. I thought you were going to die. I will do anything in my power to save you, do you understand?” Bruce softens when he sees how hard Damian’s jaw is clenched. “You are allowed to play around just as much as the others but I can’t have you risk your life on patrol just because you want to outdo them. Keep the trust falls in the house or at the very least give me a chance to catch you.” 

Damian grunts an affirmative that almost makes Bruce laugh with how much he sounds exactly like him. And then, because Damian too has come a long way since moving in with Bruce, he adds a little awkwardly, “I’m sorry, Father.” 

“I forgive you,” Bruce says easily. “Just- don’t do that again, alright? And you should apologize to Clark as well.” 

“Wh-” Damian splutters, looking like he’s been gravely offended. “Why?” 

“Because he left whatever he was doing to make sure you didn’t crack your skull open on the pavement.” 

Damian huffs and puffs and stomps his feet like the true child that he is. Bruce knows he shouldn’t, but he adores when Damian actually acts his age. He doesn’t say anything though and while he’s not really a fan of the whole grounding thing, he does realize that Damian needs consequences. Grounding in the Wayne Manor isn’t really a punishment though, so Bruce has Damian banned from going on patrol for at least two weeks. He tells Alfred as much because he knows he won’t be able to keep the tiny assassin at home by himself. Alfred on the other hand has to have been a wizard of some kind in an earlier life with how easily he wrangles the kids. Every single one of them, Bruce included. 

There are a few other instances with Tim letting go of his grappling hook mid-air and Bruce has a stern talk to his son about how his youngest brother can understand the rules, how can Tim not? It’s a low blow but it seems to work because Tim sticks to trust falls inside the manor from then on. Not that that helps much, seeing as the kid can find his way into any crevices and simply fall from there at any given time, but it’s better than Bruce having semi-regular almost-heart attacks whenever he’s near Tim. 

Dick should be the most well behaved of the boys, being the oldest and all, but this kid grew up in the circus. Bruce may not have to worry about him falling on his head but he has to worry about Dick’s give-no-shits attitude, which means that no matter how many talks they have, Bruce cannot convince Dick to keep the trust falls inside the manor. He will visit Bruce at Wayne Enterprises just to “accidentally” fall off the stairs, leaving Bruce to jump after him and then explain how the hell he was able to catch the next flight of stairs and Dick’s arm while falling. Dad reflexes become a whole joke at the office and Bruce has to ban Dick from visiting - at least while Bruce is on the top floors. 

Then Jason tilts over the railing of the staircase on the second floor of the manor and it’s only Bruce’s training that makes sure he’s actually able to catch his 200-something pound son before he smacks into the marble floors. Bruce sprains his wrist, but he supposes it’s worth it from the grin Jason shoots him. He does however demand Clark’s help in the days following because how is he supposed to wash his own hair when he’s injured like this? Clark feels guilty but not enough to actually stop the stupid rule. 

It does seem like Clark talks to the boys though because the trust fall incidents are fewer and further between after Jason’s stunt with the staircase. Bruce wonders how the hell it took him this long but he supposes no one actually got hurt before now, so Clark probably hasn’t taken the problem as seriously as he could have. Or maybe this is another one of those instances where Bruce should’ve been more direct and honest when talking to him about it. 

Bruce is happy that Clark has gotten close with his boys, he truly is. There is just one tiny thing about their newly formed bond that bothers him. He now not only has to argue his case against three to four mostly grown adults (and Damian), he has to somehow convince Clark as well. He’s not seen this coming, or maybe he has but chose to ignore it considering their turmoils. 

It turns out that the boys adore Clark for more than one reason, the most prominent one being that he is always on their damn side. At least when it comes to things that Bruce would usually be able to argue his way out of. The most recent example - and Bruce really should have seen this coming after the whole fair outfit ordeal - is how Bruce doesn’t take Clark on enough dates. Well, the boys don’t say it like that, but Bruce figures “ You’re going to bore him to death and then he’ll leave ” is essentially the same thing. He tries to argue that he’s the one dating Clark, not them, but then it turns into a whole guilt tripping thing with several pairs of puppy eyes turned against him, telling him how they’re a family and doesn’t he wants them all to get along, and how can he be so selfish, and how dare he insinuate that they don’t just want what’s best for him? 

Bruce knows a losing battle when he sees one. 

When he tries to talk to Clark about it however, the damn traitor sides with the kids. Not because he’s bored, oh no, but because he wants to take Bruce out on more dates that aren’t just meeting up at Clark’s favorite coffee place and going for a walk through the park during his lunch hour. Bruce gets that not everything can be solved with a fancy dinner but when Clark insists that they go on a picnic, he’s not exactly thrilled. Why can’t they eat in a restaurant? Sitting on chairs at a table like normal people? 

Which is how Clark sneaks his way into yet another rule…

Relationship Rule number 3: You are to attend any and all cheesy dates planned by your significant other no matter what. This includes dressing for the occasion. 

This one may start with Clark wanting to go on a picnic but it doesn’t end there. Because while Bruce is more than happy to accompany Clark wherever he wants to go, he doesn’t expect to have to go through the seven trials of appropriate shirts. It starts fairly simple with Clark not-asking for a picnic date. 

“Relationship rules,” Clark says.  

“Will you just stop that?” Bruce sighs. It’s not like he’s going to say no to spending time with Clark, even if it means sitting on wet grass for an hour, eating soggy food from a fancy basket. “You can just ask me like a normal person.” 

“Where’s the fun in that?” Clark grins at him, clearly excited at having come up with another rule. He really is too easily giddy about these things, Bruce should probably be worried about that. “You have to go with me. It’s-” 

“A rule, yes, I understand that,” Bruce interrupts. “Did the kids put you up to this?” 

“Of course not,” Clark denies. “I just want to take you out on a proper date.” 

“What’s wrong with our coffee dates?” Bruce doesn’t grumble, he’s too old to be sulky like that but it’s a close call. He likes their coffee dates. He likes to take an hour out of his busy days to get a glimpse of Clark. They see each other at the Watchtower too, of course, but it’s not the same thing. While Bruce isn’t exactly shy, he still thinks there has to be boundaries when they’re working with the League. 

“Nothing, I love our coffee dates, you know that,” Clark tells him. “But that doesn’t mean we can’t do other stuff too. Unless you don’t have the time…” He drags out that last part and then Bruce is on the receiving end of another set of puppy eyes and he’s lost before the battle even begins. 

He’s sure it’s fine. He enjoys spending time with Clark no matter what they’re doing. He’s not an expert on picnics but Clark will make sure it’s nice and cozy, he always does whenever he plans a date. Bruce doesn’t have to lift a finger, he just has to find the time off and show up. 

The last part of the rule is added on later when Bruce is trying on outfits to wear on the date. He’s been instructed to put together at least three separate fits that his boys can then judge and comment on. He’s not sure why he’s doing this although it probably has something to do with the fact that all four boys seem to get along much better these days. Even if it’s mostly to gang up on Bruce. 

“What’s this?” Clark asks curiously when he steps in from the balcony. He’s in the suit so Bruce knows he’s only here for a quick hi and maybe a kiss or two before he has to leave for his Superman duties. 

“My outfit for Wednesday,” Bruce tells him as he looks at himself in the mirror. “Apparently I still have to have it approved by my children. They don’t trust me with dressing myself.” 

“I kinda get why,” Clark comments with a small smile. He’s looking Bruce up and down and while there’s the usual heat in his gaze, it’s outshined by the way he’s trying not to laugh.  

“What do you mean?” Bruce frowns. He looks at the mirror again. He’s wearing his most casual pair of slacks and one of the darker flannels that seem to have magically appeared in his closet. At least this one isn’t bright red or green; he feels like a Christmas tree whenever he has to wear those. He’s been trying to choose between this one - dark grey and black - and the navy and black one lying on the bed. 

“It’s a picnic, B,” Clark says with a chuckle. “In 80 degree weather. You have to wear shorts.” 

“I don’t own any shorts, Clark. My slacks are fine.” 

“You know,” Clark drawls, and Bruce already knows he’s going to regret indulging this conversation. “I’m sure the boys would love to take you shopping again.” 

Bruce grimaces. “I’ll order some tonight,” he says. With express delivery he should be able to have them here by Wednesday morning. Maybe he’ll add a few new hoodies for Damian. He’s been wearing nothing else for weeks and the ones he has are all a tad too small at this point. When did his boy get so big?  

“Great,” Clark interrupts Bruce’s thoughts before he can get all sentimental. Well, more sentimental. “More than one pair though, this isn’t the last picnic I’m taking you on.” 

“I’m not stupid enough to order one pair, Clark,” Bruce says as he rolls his eyes. You should think Clark was the older one of them the way he’s trying to teach Bruce about clothes. The same guy who prefers flannels over button ups, overalls over slacks. If either of them has great fashion sense it’s Bruce. 

“I’m sure Dick would love to help you pick a few out.” 

“He’s in Bludhaven,” Bruce says as he straightens out his shirt. Does he really look that bad? Is it just the pants or how he’s styled them? He’d say he looks relaxed but not untidy. Apparently that’s not the right look for a picnic though. “I guess I can call him if I need the help.” 

“Oh, I don’t think you’ll have to call him,” Clark says with a grin. 

“What did you do?” Bruce asks as he narrows his eyes at his boyfriend. 

“Me? I didn’t do anything.” Clark smiles at him innocently. Too innocently. And then, “I just saw three grown boys wrestling on the stairs leading up from the cave about two minutes ago.” 

“You-” Bruce splutters. “Wait, they’re what?” 

“Dick’s winning but only because he kicked Jason down the stairs,” Clark tells him ever so helpfully. He gets that otherworldly look in his eyes and then adds, “There are no broken bones but I think you should go down there before Jason chokes Tim out.” 

“Boys!” Bruce is already screeching as he runs out of the bedroom. 

Safe to say none of the boys get any say in what Bruce wears on the date and because he knows his words won’t get through their thick skulls, Bruce calls in Alfred to sit all three morons down and tell them exactly why it’s dangerous to fight on the stairs, and no, neither Alfred nor Bruce cares that they were “just playing around”, because Tim is now sporting a rapidly growing black eye, Jason looks like he’s missing a chunk of hair and Dick’s shirt is ripped down the back, showing off what looks like shallow stab wounds. 

Play fighting, my ass, Bruce thinks as he glares at his sons. He’s never thought of himself as a stress shopper but that night he orders no less than fourteen pairs of shorts with their own matching tops. He should have probably asked Dick for help after all, after helping him clean the not-stab wounds Jason swears he has nothing to do with. 

“A stab wound has to include a stabbing motion,” Jason says, very convincingly. “There was no stabbing, hence no stab wounds.” 

“So if I test your knives, none of them will have Dick’s blood on them?” Bruce counters. 

“Au contraire,” Jason tsks at him. “Most of them will, we’re brothers, after all.” His little poke at Bruce’s emotions doesn’t work one bit. “But that doesn’t prove any stabbing has occurred.” 

Bruce sighs. He is too old for having children this chaotic. 

Rule number 3 also happens to be the first time Bruce feels the need to establish a veto of some kind; which is insane that he hasn’t felt the need to before now. Not because of the rule itself, no, he loves going on dates with Clark, no matter how silly and what he has to wear. They’ve already planned the next trip to the fair the following year. It’s what Clark says when they’re back home that has Bruce pull out the veto card. The date’s been lovely and despite having to wear shorts all day, Bruce has thoroughly enjoyed himself. So has Clark. Bruce has a few business emails he has to go through at the end of the day though, having pushed off work to be able to go on the date. 

Clark usually doesn’t mind waiting around for a bit and Bruce doesn’t mind that he stays as he goes through the emails on his phone. Clark isn’t one to pry and he’s not usually one to disturb Bruce’s work, whether it’s at Wayne Enterprise or at the manor. Today, it seems, is a little different. 

“I can feel the strength drain out of me,” Clark says, his dramatics dialed up to eleven. He’s leaning so hard onto Bruce that the armrest is digging rather painfully into his side. 

“What,” Bruce grunts out. Is this another trust fall incident? Clark is usually so careful and gentle with his touches that it always takes Bruce by surprise when he’s using his weight and strength in any capacity. But even so, this is entirely new. He’s hanging off him like a lump of melted clay. 

“I might die at this rate, B,” Clark whimpers pathetically and shifts even more of his weight onto Bruce’s shoulder.  

“You might die without my undivided attention but not before you’ve smothered me to death,” Bruce says, trying and failing to straighten on the couch. Clark is too damn heavy. “Will you please move?” 

“Nooo,” Clark whines. “Can’t you tell I’m suffering?” 

“Go stand in the sun then,” is Bruce’s very rational and logical response. It’s evidently not what Clark is looking for because he doesn’t move even an inch. 

“You are my sun,” he says instead, voice all sugary sweet and blissful.  

Bruce freezes with his thumbs over his screen and then slowly, oh so slowly, turns his head to look at Clark with the most disturbed look on his face. He can’t get a single word across his lips as he just stares, horrified, at Clark. What. The fuck. 

“Too much?” Clark asks innocently, batting his eyelashes for good measure. 

“Please never do that again,” Bruce says and he means it. He loves that Clark is so good at expressing his emotions and that he’s so honest and open with them, but there has got to be a limit somewhere. Bruce has evidently found it today.  

“What?” Clark grins. “Call you my sun?” 

Bruce shudders. Clark may call it being honest or showing his love appropriately so there’s no way Bruce can just ask him to stop, but as he said: there has got to be limits. 

“There has to be a way to veto some of these rules,” he mutters. 

“Oh, sure,” Clark tells him easily. “But there are rules about that too.”

Relationship Rule number 4: You cannot veto all the relationship rules and the veto only lasts for a maximum of one month, then you must apply a new veto. A veto is not all-inclusive and must be specific to what part of the rule you want to veto. One veto per month or you will have to un-veto another rule. 

“Un-veto isn’t a word, Clark,” Bruce sighs deeply. Why must he sit through the horror that is Clark explaining yet another insane relationship rule? Is this really what people in love do? He’s pretty sure he can think of better ways to spend their time but he does realize he’s to blame for this particular rule. 

Bruce has, unknowingly, already used this month’s veto. How does he come by this knowledge, you ask? Well, Clark has recently informed him that he has run out of vetoes when he tries to persuade his boyfriend to drop a certain pet name after apparently having forbidden Clark from “showing his affection” (Clark’s words) anywhere near the kids. Bruce has had what looks like legal documents sent to him both from Dick and Tim, and just from glancing at them, they look like his boys are suing him for emotional damage. He would include Jason in the lawsuit but Jason is more action than words and when a batch of brownies come with a knife thrust through the entire steel pan, Bruce knows he feels the same way. Damian has taken to sleeping over anywhere he can, even going as far as begging Tim to take him with him when he leaves, and Bruce is not mean enough to put his boys through such turmoil. Also, he has no doubt that Dick and Tim can and will go through with the lawsuit if he doesn’t talk to Clark. 

Now, his boys aren’t actually being unreasonable. Nobody bats an eye when Clark presses a quick kiss to Bruce’s temple or when they say their goodbyes with a hug and a kiss at the door - or window, if Clark has to leave in a hurry. They don’t mind that Clark stays over and they’re too nosey to not get involved in their dates, even when Bruce tries to shoo them away. No, it’s not the usual, little things. It is when Clark starts staying over more often than not and he gets into the habit of coincidentally “forgetting” that the boys are in the house. 

Bruce has a rousing suspicion that Clark is doing it on purpose but he has no proof. 

It starts out fairly innocent. The temple kisses, the cuddles on the couch, the way Clark pops his chin over Bruce’s shoulder to read along when he’s reading the morning newspaper. Sure, Damian makes faces at that but he’s eleven. He’s allowed. Then it slowly builds and Bruce really needs to get a hold of J’onn so he can figure out what the hell Clark is thinking. Yes, he’s well aware that it’d be a breach of privacy but so is Clark walking around in nothing but a towel, sticking his tongue in Bruce’s ear when he’s having a conversation with Dick. Bruce isn’t sure who’s more horrified; himself or Dick. 

Then there’s the handholding, which turns into little massages and while those are very nice, they’re not exactly appropriate in front of his kids, no matter how old they are. Thankfully Clark keeps it PG in front of Damian but Bruce feels bad for his older kids; Clark is clearly messing with them but they can’t seem to find any proof either, otherwise Bruce is sure they would have presented it to him by now. 

The one time Clark grabs his waist and proceeds to shove his tongue into Bruce’s mouth is the day Bruce finds the documents in the cave. He can’t help but laugh - his kids are so dramatic - but they’ve also got a point. 

While Bruce cannot find any proof, he doesn’t actually expect Clark to deny messing with the kids. He’s too damn honest for that. But no, Clark just shrugs and says he has no idea what Bruce is talking about. Isn’t it just nice to express their love openly while they can? Bruce can’t really argue against that. He can however set a few ground rules, which is apparently the same as vetoing a rule. Who would’ve thought? 

“Sure it is, I just used it in a sentence,” Clark says and his strong voice jolts Bruce from his thoughts. “I can do it again if you didn’t hear me properly. You cannot un-veto more than one rule at a time.” 

“You’re a moron,” Bruce groans. He wouldn’t have even known he’d used up his veto if Clark hadn’t started calling him my sun at every chance he gets. His kids may be slightly uncomfortable seeing their dad getting macked on but they’ll survive. Bruce isn’t sure he will be able to live with being called by such a cringe pet name, even less so if the kids ever hear it. He’ll die of mortification. 

“And you love me for it,” Clark says, grinning like a child.  

“So I can’t veto anything else this month?” Bruce asks just to make sure. There has to be a clause somewhere that he’s overlooked. He’s never actually said the words I veto this, so maybe it doesn’t count? 

“Not unless you want to un-veto something else,” Clark agrees. “It really is your choice.” 

Bruce glares at him. It’s not effective whatsoever; Clark has managed to become immune to any and all of Bruce’s glares. It’s infuriating. “You made me veto PDA in my own house,” he reminds Clark. He knows he didn’t use the words but it’s more or less included in his “do not put your tongue in my ear in front of the kids” speech.  

“I didn’t make you do anything, B, you did that all on your own.” The shit eating grin on Clark’s face should be proof enough that he’s planned this all along. 

“You groped my ass in front of Alfred,” Bruce hisses. “And Jason!” 

“Alfred didn’t notice,” Clark says with a wave, as if that makes it all better. “I say it was worth it.” 

“Jay nearly puked on the carpet,” Bruce reminds him. While it was fun seeing Jason act like a teenager afraid to catch cooties, it’s also supposed to be safe for him to come home and he’s been doing better with showing up. Bruce doesn’t want to risk him not coming home just because Clark is having fun messing with the kids. The knife-brownies seem like a warning if you ask Bruce.  

“I repeat: worth it.” 

“You’ll get your brownie privileges revoked,” Bruce threatens. He knows how much Clark enjoys that he’s become part of the brownie-receiving club. It is rather sweet of Jason although Bruce isn’t sure he’s doing it to please Clark. Bruce has been getting the brownies since before Jason started attending family dinners, after all. 

“I doubt it,” Clark tells him confidently. “Jason likes me too much to stop breaking into my place and leaving them. He knows it freaks me out.” 

Bruce just stares at him. There’s no way he can comment objectively on that. He’s the one who taught Jason how to be a vigilante, after all. And Bruce isn’t exactly guiltless when it comes to using Clark’s bedroom window as an entrance. He should probably get around to telling him that his latch is broken at some point. 

Bruce sighs deeply. He has to get back to his original point somehow. What were they even talking about? As he looks at Clark’s beaming smile, he remembers. Right. The my sun thing. 

“So if I veto it, you can’t use a particular nickname?” Bruce asks, pointedly ignoring the last part of their conversation. He’ll focus on that another day, preferably when he’s made sure Clark is messing with the kids, so he can let them know it’s more than okay to take revenge. They’re just as bad as Clark is, if not worse, so Bruce has no doubt in his mind that they’ll win. 

“They’re not technically a part of any rule but sure, if you feel the need to veto one, that’s your choice,” Clark tells him. 

That first part of his sentence irks Bruce and he vows to somehow make his own rule about the nicknames. Of course, Clark is allowed to call him sweetly but there has got to be limits. Such as what he’s about to say, “I’m vetoing you calling me your sun.” 

“Alright, I accept your veto,” Clark says easily. Too easily. Why does he look like he just won? Bruce doesn’t have to wonder for long because Clark scoops him into his arms bridal style and kisses his cheek. 

Bruce groans and buries his face in his hands. Stupid un-veto rule. 

Well, at least Clark doesn’t have his way with him right there in the living room, so he really has just been meaning to tease Bruce with all the PDA. Which leads Bruce to another point he will have to make very clear, and that subsequently turns into (what Clark thinks is) their last rule… 

Relationship Rule number 5: You must show your love for your partner publicly without making them (or their family) uncomfortable. 

Acceptable love declarations: pet names (“Only those that we agreed on, Clark!”), holding hands, cheek kisses, the occasional peck on the lips

The hardest part of this rule is agreeing on acceptable pet names. Bruce doesn’t really use them much, so he knows Clark won’t mind whatever he chooses, but it is not quite as cut and dry when it comes to the pet names Clark wants to use. Bruce will accept many things inside the bedroom but outside it? Not so much. 

“Baby,” Clark suggests. 

“No,” is Bruce’s immediate response. While there’s nothing inherently wrong with the pet name, Clark has used it once or twice in the bedroom and Bruce will not under any circumstances let his children - or anyone else for that matter - hear Clark utter that word. Especially not when all Bruce can think about when he says it, is the way Clark pants it into the skin of his neck while they’re being intimate. Nope. That’s not happening.  

“Sweetie.” 

“No.” 

“Pookie.” 

Bruce grimaces and says, very firmly, “Stop asking Tim to come up with nicknames, it’s not gonna happen.” 

“Beloved.” 

“Don’t even try it.” There are too many old memories attached to that one word and Clark knows it. He’s clearly being a menace on purpose at this point. Even a complete moron would be able to see through the not-at-all-sorry smile Clark is sending him right now. 

“My darling.” 

“No.” 

“Love of my life, light of my days,” Clark sing-songs and Bruce wants to end this conversation. Or maybe himself. It’s getting harder to tell, the more nicknames Clark comes up with. 

“Absolutely not,” he says instead of throttling Clark. 

“Sweetheart, then.” 

“Hm,” Bruce grunts because that could be worse. It’s not exactly something he’ll beg Clark to call him but it’s better than the others at least. Bruce doesn’t understand why Clark can’t just keep calling him B like he’s done for nearly two years at this point. Sure, Bruce wasn’t entirely comfortable with it in the beginning but the way Clark looks at him, all sweet and caring, when he says it, has made Bruce not only accept it but kind of adore it. He knows it doesn’t make sense seeing as it’s literally the same thing, but it feels different from when his kids call him B. 

“I’ll take it,” Clark says instantly. 

“Take what?” Bruce frowns. Did he agree to something without listening again? It’s not his fault that Clark is too damn pretty for his own good. It’s hard to focus on anything he’s saying when he’s batting those impossibly long lashes of his. Which is probably something he does on purpose at this point, seeing as Bruce cannot say no to anything he asks when he does it. 

“Your ‘hm’. Hm isn’t a no,” Clark says proudly, like he’s somehow found a loophole in Bruce’s rejections. He is getting very proficient in translating Bruce’s grunts and not-quite-verbal cues at this point but still.  

“It’s not a yes either,” Bruce can’t help but say, even though he already knows he’s lost this battle before it even began. After all, it is now an official rule.  

“But it is not a no,” Clark points out with a grin. 

Bruce groans. Then again, sweetheart is much better than my sun . Bruce will have to find a way to deal with it, he’s sure it can’t be that bad. He’s Batman, he’s been through literal torture, one little pet name isn’t going to kill him. At least this time Clark has made a rule up for them, not because he wants to provoke Bruce into vetoing more things or to mess with the boys. Bruce still has to figure out what the hell that was all about but right now he’s too busy rolling his eyes at Clark’s victory dance. 

So, he’s found a nickname Bruce doesn’t entirely hate. It’s not like he’s going to go around shouting it off rooftops. 

Bruce is so incredibly wrong, and as is always the case when it involves Clark, he doesn’t realize it until it’s too late. He’s already agreed to that one pet name, there’s no going back now. 

Oh, how he wishes he could go back. 

Bruce knows that Clark isn’t an idiot; in fact, he’s too clever for his own good at times. Not because he’s Superman, oh no, Superman has nothing to do with how clever Clark can be. Bruce knows this, he’s read basically all the articles Clark has ever written and he’s scarily smart beneath his clumsy reporter from a small town in Kansas facade. It’s endearing, it’s terribly attractive and it is the absolute worst quality in a partner, Bruce decides. He should’ve made sure Clark was dumb. At least in some aspects of life. But no, of course not. Clark is sneaky when he wants to be and this is why Bruce doesn’t even notice the alarm bells going off in his own head before it’s too late. 

World’s greatest detective, his ass… 

He should’ve been more suspicious when Clark agreed on that one pet name. There should have been more of a fight, more push and pull, before he’d eventually give in because he doesn’t want to make Bruce uncomfortable. 

In short, Bruce should have seen this coming a mile away but he didn’t. 

He begrudgingly accepts the “good morning, sweetheart,” Clark dishes out every morning. He accepts the disgusted look on Jason’s face the first time he’s witness to it and he even does a good job of not running away and hiding the first time Dick echoes it after Clark is out of (human) earshot. It’s all part of being a father, he knows this. His kids are allowed to poke fun at him and since there’s been no more movement on the lawsuit front, he figures this is fine. He’ll swallow his pride and if he’s really being honest, it’s not too bad when Clark beams at him like he’s the most glorious thing he’s ever seen. 

It isn’t too bad until Bruce picks up Clark at the Daily Planet for their bi-weekly coffee date at Clark’s regular coffee shop. At this point Bruce should just call it their regular coffee shop with how often he comes here. He’s pretty sure Jess’ bright smile and friendly demeanor could make even Jason crack a smile. He should suggest Jason stop by, although he’s pretty sure he knows the answer he’ll get. Not exactly knife-brownies, but possibly something similar. 

Which is fine because Bruce does enjoy having some things and places that he only shares with Clark. He may be a father of four very unruly boys, but he’s also just a man, who is stupidly in love with his handsome boyfriend. 

Bruce’s detective skills should’ve clued him in when Jess greets them with a broader smile than usual, but he’s too busy admiring how nice Clark looks in the tie Bruce bought him last week. The discrete patterns in the dark fabric brings out the bright blue in his eyes and Bruce has more money than he knows what to do with, so why not indulge every once in a while? He doesn’t have to order, Jess knows his preferred coffee order by now and even if she didn’t, Clark is still insisting on paying every time they come here. Something about change for a hundred that Bruce pointedly ignores. 

“Enough sugar to be considered an actual biohazard,” Jess says as she hands Clark his brightly colored drink that has nothing to do with coffee and then she turns to Bruce. “And-” There’s a choked off sound that makes Bruce look away from Clark. Is she okay? 

Jess looks like she’s about to break down from holding back her laughter. “One Americano with a pump of vanilla for Sweetheart.” 

Bruce’s mouth falls open in horror. He hopes to every deity that has ever been prayed to that he just heard that wrong. That he’s been so focused on Clark and the tie that somehow his thoughts have clouded his ears. He turns slowly to look at Clark, who just grins at him. That fucking traitor. 

“Grab your coffee, sweetheart, we don’t wanna be late,” Clark tells him sweetly.  

Bruce wants the ground to open up and swallow him whole. But before that he wants to go to the cave and find his emergency stash of Kryptonite and shove it so far up Clark’s ass, he’ll be coughing it up for weeks to come. 

The murderous thoughts are apparently showing on his face because Jess chuckles before saying, “I think it’s nice.” It doesn’t make Bruce feel any better when she’s clearly holding in laughter. “More couples should be affectionate in public, yaknow? It’s very sweet.” 

Bruce grabs his coffee with a grimace. He wants to chug it in the nearby bin when he sees the bright letters underneath his fingers. Why the hell would she write it on the cup? It’s not like anyone else is stupid enough to grab it out of his hands because they too are unfortunate enough to be called sweetheart by their annoying partner. 

“I thought we agreed not to make each other uncomfortable,” Bruce mutters as they exit the coffee shop. He pretends he doesn’t hear the loud laughter coming from inside. Oh, he is so going to find a way to get even after this. He doesn’t care if his tongue falls off from humiliation; he will call Clark Clarky-poo until the day he dies just to make him feel an ounce of the awkwardness Bruce is feeling right now. 

“You’re not uncomfortable,” Clark says. “You’re embarrassed. That’s not the same thing.” 

“You lulled me into a false sense of security, Kent,” Bruce throws back, not able to deny it. But two can play that game. Just you wait, Clark Kent. 

“You’re too gullible, Wayne.” 

“You little shit,” Bruce glares. He still follows Clark across the street to the park. No need to waste a perfectly good date (and coffee) just because he wants to pour the contents of his cup over Clark’s head. Since when was he this easily rattled? And he has never been anything even remotely close to gullible before. This is all Clark’s fault. He’s turning Bruce into a bubbling teenager a good twenty years after he’s done with the horrors of puberty. That little shit. 

“Big words from an old man who can’t even admit to wanting vanilla in his coffee,” Clark teases with a wink and a borderline superspeed sidestep to avoid getting smacked in the face by said coffee. 

“Can too,” Bruce hisses, because he is apparently fifteen years old at this point. He’s also too stubborn to tell Clark that his coffee is really good because he can’t let him win every round. He never asked for the pump of vanilla but it’s a nice touch. He’ll have to sneak another bill into the tip jar next time they go to the coffee shop. 

“Can not.” Clark sticks his tongue out at Bruce and it is truly unfair how good he looks when he scrunches his face up like that. Bruce can’t even be mad at him when he’s so stupidly pretty. The cheater. 

“Shut up,” is Bruce’s very mature, very well thought out response.  

Bruce thinks that’s the worst of it and really, how has he even survived this long when he’s clearly too naive to be a functioning adult? It’s not entirely his fault though. Clark has a way of disarming him without even trying. It’s infuriating.

A few days after the coffee shop incident he comes back from a meeting and at this point he has honestly forgotten about his plans of revenge. Clark has already apologized with his entire body repeatedly and that’s enough to have Bruce lock the Kryptonite away. There’s not a lot that can’t be forgiven when the world’s strongest man spends an hour on his knees, Bruce is not ashamed to admit. 

He is, however, ashamed that he’s even entertained the thought that Clark was done messing with him. He really should know better by now. 

He exits the elevator and pockets his phone so he can greet his secretary properly, but he’s nowhere near ready for what greets him instead of her usual “Welcome back, Mr. Wayne.” Bruce’s eyes nearly pop out of his head when his secretary grins brightly at him, holding out a giant bouquet of flowers towards him. It has everything from daffodils to sunflowers, squished in between roses and tulips and what Bruce can only describe as “filler greens”. 

“Oh, Mr. Wayne, I’m so happy for you,” she tells him. 

“Uh,” Bruce says intelligently. “Thank you?” 

“And don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone.” She even goes as far as to wink at him. 

Tell anyone what, exactly? Bruce takes the massive bouquet to his office and only then notices the card attached. He nearly drops the vase on the floor. 

Thinking of you. See you at 8, sweetheart :) it says in Clark’s squiggly handwriting. It even has an uneven heart drawn next to the smiley face. 

Bruce sets the vase down carefully on his desk and then runs a hand over his face. What in the world is Clark thinking? It’s not like their relationship is a secret but there’s a reason Clark still hasn’t attended any gallas or benefits as Bruce’s plus one. They’re taking things slow. Well, slow in some aspects anyway. They’re together more nights than they aren’t and their weekly date nights have somehow spawned into several day-dates, coffee dates, family dinner and date nights. Plural. 

Is this Clark’s way of hinting that he wants them to make their relationship public? Sure, the League knows, but that’s different from their civilian lives. Then again, their families and friends know already so it’s not like it’s a big leap. 

The issue here is not that Clark wants them to be a couple in public - there are already more than a dozen articles out about Bruce Wayne’s secret beau - but if that’s what he wants, or if he’s simply messing with Bruce. Again. 

Well, there’s only one way to find out. Okay, two, because Bruce could do the mature thing and simply call his boyfriend up and ask if that’s what the flowers mean but that’s not really the path Clark has chosen for them, now is it? 

Bruce immediately makes some calls decidedly not to Clark’s phone but to a flower shop near the Daily Planet. It’s just before lunch so most of the staff should already be on their way out by now. He truly doesn’t mean to go overboard but when the sales associate asks if he wants to add balloons to the order, Bruce can’t very well say no. He’s supposed to be upstaging Clark, after all. 

An hour later his phone buzzes on the desk. He tries not to smile before he picks it up, but he fails miserably. It only gets worse when he sees what Clark has sent him. 

Clark: I feel like I just got asked to prom by the most popular guy at school :D  

Attached is a photo of Clark’s desk covered in flowers and balloons and if Bruce’s eyes aren’t playing a trick on him, he’s pretty sure he sees an abhorrent amount of glitter as well. He did say to please make it as flashy as possible but he hasn’t exactly given much thought to how they’d do it. It’s exactly what he was going for though: flashy and big and screaming for attention. On one particularly big balloon, heart-shaped, of course, it says in bold letters: Be my date for the charity event on Friday? Love, B.W.

Clark: I’m saying yes, if that wasn’t clear

Bruce doesn’t bother to hide his grin this time. There’s no one here to witness it anyway. Besides, Clark started this and now that Bruce’s secretary knows he’s officially seeing someone (which is the only valid reason someone would be allowed to call him sweetheart, even in a card), he knows it’s only a matter of time before the rest of the company knows. Lisa is a sweet girl but she’s also the biggest gossip Wayne Enterprise has. She’s the reason Bruce knows that Marc from accounting is seeing a younger girl and Anette from finance is getting divorced. It is also how Bruce knows he won’t have to make any formal statements about his relationship status at the company; Lisa will take care of that for him. 

Just as they come up with acceptable declarations of love, at some point they have to come up with unacceptable ones. Well, they don’t exactly have to but it somehow turns out that they will need those as well as the acceptable ones. The unacceptable declarations of love are mostly courtesy of Bruce. Because while Clark’s little declarations can be embarrassing, they’re mostly harmless and good fun. 

Bruce’s, however, are not. 

The unacceptable love declarations are: tongue in the ear, biting neck, making out on tables, trying to have sex in a broom closet (“Or any other kind of closet, B!”) 

And all of them happen to be added to the rule the day of the charity event. Shocker. 

Bruce doesn’t get why Clark is suddenly acting all shy. He’s never had an issue with sucking on Bruce’s tongue in front of his horrified children - and Bruce suddenly understands why Clark has been doing that. It is so much fun getting to be on the other side of the teasing for once. And it’s not like Bruce can ever do anything worse than what he’s already been doing in his younger years. Making out with his boyfriend at an event is barely even a blip on the radar that is Bruce Wayne’s scandals throughout the decades he’s been in the limelight. 

That is not how Clark sees it though, which is truly a shame, because they could be making headlines if only he’d play along. When Bruce nibbles at his ear in the middle of a conversation, Clark nearly flies through the roof; it’s only Bruce’s hand on his arm that makes the motion more of a flinch and less of a Superman shooting through the ceiling in embarrassment. 

If Clark thought that was the worst Bruce would do after all these months of stupid rules and exceptions and un-vetoes, he thought wrong. Bruce is having the time of his life, making sure Clark’s cheeks are permanently flushed the entire night. Sure, he keeps himself in check for the first part of the event, where everybody and their cousins want to come up and meet Bruce’s newest conquest. 

“Last conquest,” Bruce corrects them with a wink. While the ladies swoon and giggle, Clark looks about ready to combust. Bruce never wants the evening to end, he’s having so much fun. It’s probably the most fun he’s ever had at an official event like this and that’s saying something. Most of it may have been playing into the role of a billionaire playboy, but he’s had his fair share of fun over the years. He really should have had Clark accompany him to events much sooner, this is too good not to replicate several times over. 

If Clark doesn’t pull out his very own first veto, that is. 

“Bruce,” Clark hisses. “You can’t do this here.” 

“Why not?” Bruce looks up from where he’s been sucking on Clark’s neck to bat his eyes innocently at his boyfriend. Who looks about ready to cry. Or shove Bruce against the nearest surface. Bruce knows which option he’s leaning towards himself. 

“You have a reputation to uphold!” Clark’s voice is hushed but bordering on hysteria at this point. He should’ve seen this coming honestly, with the way he’s been messing with Bruce for the past few weeks. At least they’re not standing in the middle of the dance floor anymore, so Bruce is actually being rather subtle, if he does say so himself. 

“Clark,” Bruce says with a laugh. “Have you seen my reputation? Just the fact that I’m making out with the same guy twice in a row is an improvement.” 

“That’s-” Clark splutters. 

“Ah,” Bruce instantly realizes his mistake. Bringing up exes or Bruce’s past escapades never ends well. He’s about to backtrack, quite literally ready to pull away and put some distance between them in case Clark is upset. 

Clark is, however, not the least bit offended. He’s not even annoyed at Bruce. He does pick up on Bruce’s not so subtle panic though and rests his hands on his shoulders comfortingly. 

“While I’m flattered to be shown off as your forever guy, I meant that this is a charity event,” Clark clarifies. And then, after a brief pause, he adds, “And your hands are in my pants.” 

“It’s one hand and it’s outside your underwear,” Bruce argues, wiggling his fingers around for good measure, as if to prove that he’s not actually groping Clark’s ass. Well, he is but at least he’s not groping his bare ass. Yet, anyway.  

“It’s still inside my pants, Bruce.” 

“I don’t hear any valid complaints,” Bruce tells him because come on. What’s a little groping between grown adults? Grown adults in a relationship, no less.  

“We can’t do this here,” Clark says again. His eyes are flickering around like Superman wouldn’t be able to tell if they were being watched. Well, watched in a bad way. 

There are a few glances their way, but as Bruce has said multiple times already; it’s nothing they haven’t already seen or expected of him. He’s Bruce Wayne. He may be getting older but that’s never stopped him from doing whatever he wants. He’s still Batman, isn’t he? Why would a few stares and hushed voices scare him away from getting to make out with his handsome boyfriend? 

“Why?” Bruce asks innocently. Again. 

“There are children here, B!” Clark says, voice still a whisper, but the hysteria is back. 

And okay, that is a valid point, enough so that Bruce does retract his hand. Only long enough to grab Clark’s arm and drag him to a more secluded area, of course, he’s nowhere near done. This is thrilling, it’s fun and for once it’s Bruce who has the upper hand. 

“Didn’t you want us to show our love publicly?” He asks when he shoves Clark up against a nearby closet. He’s pretty sure it’s a storage space for cleaning supplies although he hasn’t studied the revised blueprint of this particular hotel in a few months. It’s not like they’ll move a broom closet, anyway. 

“Without making anyone uncomfortable!” Clark squeaks as he tries to stop Bruce’s hands from going for the handle. He’s quick to catch on, huh? But he did say he wanted more privacy. Not in so many words but Bruce can read between the lines. 

“Neither my kids or your parents are here, Clark,” Bruce reminds gently before pressing a soft kiss to the corner of Clark’s mouth.  

“So?” Clark asks, his voice a little breathy. He can’t quite seem to stop himself from kissing Bruce back even as he tries to keep the conversation going. 

“So the rules state family isn’t supposed to be uncomfortable.” 

“That is not- this isn’t what I had in mind,” Clark says.  

“You should’ve been more clear then,” Bruce shrugs and then tries to go for the door handle again. Clark is still playing hide the handle though, so he opts for just roaming his hands over Clark’s chest, pushing at his shirt to get to his bare skin. 

“This is clearly you making up loopholes!” Clark objects, trying his best to keep Bruce’s hands still without actually grabbing him. Mostly it just looks like he’s doing a silly dance against the door. 

“Like you’ve never done that before. What was the punishment for disobeying a rule again?” Bruce pretends to think even as he grins at Clark. His hands find new purpose as he wiggles his fingers up Clark’s sides, enjoying the feeling of his jerky little attempts at getting away. 

“W- no, no, I’m not disobeying any- Bruce!” Clark squeals, trying hard to keep his laughter from spilling out. Bruce may be the more ticklish of the two but that does not mean Clark is invincible. At least not when it comes to this. 

“Shush, you’re gonna make people come looking,” Bruce tells him as he digs his fingers harder into Clark’s sides. “Now, take your punishment like a man. Those are the rules, remember?” 

“Sto-” Clark chokes on his own giggles. “Stop, okay, I’m sorry, I won’t- I won’t disobey the rule!”  

“So you’ll let me show my love and affection publicly?” 

“Yes,” Clark wheezes. “Yes, yes, just stop that, I’ll let you do whatever you want.” 

“You better keep your word,” Bruce says. He doesn’t need to put a threat at the end of his sentence, they both know if he really wanted to, Clark would never see his punishment coming. And it would be nowhere near silly tickles. 

Clark for his part does keep his word. To a certain degree. Bruce wins the hide-the-handle game they’ve been playing and while there’s barely enough room for the both of them in there, they make do. It’s better than dry humping in the hallway, anyway. 

Bruce does his best to keep it somewhat PG because Clark has this silly notion that they should get back to the charity event, seeing as Bruce is technically still the host, even if he has brought his boyfriend with him. Bruce is less successful at keeping up his part of the deal. 

“Okay,” Clark gasps, pushing Bruce the inch or so away from him that he can without shoving him into the shelves on the opposite side of the closet. “This can’t be part of the rules.” 

“Why not?” Bruce asks despite not really giving a shit about the rules at this point. He’s forgotten about those the moment he gets Clark up against a wall, sucking eagerly on his tongue. He knows he should probably be worried by how reckless he’s being, at the very least given his age and experience but it turns out he doesn’t really care about that either. Clark makes him feel young and alive and isn’t that just a good thing? 

“Because I’m going to get some odd looks if I don’t leave right now,” Clark tells him and even in the dark, Bruce can tell that his cheeks are bright red. 

“Oh.” Bruce smirks as he looks at Clark’s very tented pants. And he hasn’t even had his hands in them for well over twenty minutes. “I can always just make a quick exit and meet you upstairs.” 

Clark hesitates. Then he frowns. He’s really considering it, which makes Bruce’s grin widen. He has no qualms about sneaking out early, saying the most important goodbyes and spending the night showing Clark exactly how much he loves him. 

Clark, however, is too polite for Bruce’s good. 

“No,” he says. “No, that wouldn’t be right.” 

“If you say so,” Bruce says. He’s horny, but he’s not an idiot. He knows Clark is right and while his lower half is decidedly not happy with him, he knows he can make up for it later. At home. 

“And no more tongue in public,” Clark tells him sternly. “I’m adding it to the list.” 

“Boo.” Bruce sticks his tongue out but there’s no way he can truly be offended when Clark is looking at him like that. Not that he was offended to begin with. He shouldn’t cut a fundraiser short, no matter how much he’d rather spend his time alone with Clark. 

Fine, they’ll add a list of unacceptable love declarations then, if Clark is so insistent. It just so happens to include everything Bruce has done that evening. 

Clark is such a spoilsport. 

After this particular night something seems to click in Bruce’s mind, despite Clark’s overall lack of enthusiasm about making out in front of a room full of snobbish rich people. Because it seems that sometimes Clark’s silly little rules can work in Bruce’s favor. 

Now, Bruce may be the lesser experienced in regard to healthy relationships, but that doesn’t mean he’s a fool. He knows how to play by others’ rules and Clark’s made-up rules are no exception to that. It might also be important to note that Bruce is, without a doubt, a petty and vindictive man – at least when it comes to things like payback. 

And so he makes sure to play by Clark’s rules to the best of his ability. With a bat-twist, of course. Which is how they come to add a sixth and (actual) final rule.

Relationship Rule number 6: No more relationship rules, please, Bruce, for the love of God, I take them back, I’m sorry, I won’t make up more rules, I promise, so please stop this, I am begging you

It’s not like Bruce hatches a plan (lie), but he does come up with a few ways to turn the rules in his favor. He’s got them all written down, with all exceptions and extra clauses added on so there’s no way he won’t be able to figure out a way to have Clark begging for mercy. By the end of this month, which happens to be Bruce’s birthday month, he will have Clark so utterly defeated that he won’t dare to come up with any more rules until the day Bruce is dead and buried. 

Now, he knows that he has to be at least a little subtle about this, at least to start with. He can’t have Clark ruining his plans before he even gets going. So he starts out small. It works out perfectly because he likes going in the right order and the first rule is sweet and easy to manipulate without being too upfront about it. All he has to do is make sure Clark doesn’t catch on before Bruce gets to the third, fourth and fifth rule. Those are the most important ones, after all. 

Bruce would usually avoid getting his boys involved in his personal life like this but there’s that little voice in the back of his mind, reminding him how Clark has been taking their side every single time they’ve ganged up on him. It’s really too good a chance to just let slip by. So when Clark has to work overtime at the Planet one Thursday night, Bruce sees his opportunity and seizes it. 

The boys are overjoyed and more than on board with his plans. Even Jason is grinning at the end of the dinner and while Alfred is rolling his eyes at them, he is sworn to secrecy. Not that Bruce thinks he’ll ever sell him out, but this is too important not to make absolutely sure. Alfred won’t participate, he’s too good for petty revenge (so he says), but he will stay quiet, he promises. It’s mostly the boys’ begging that has him swear not to let a word out of what Bruce is planning. That’s what it looks like but Bruce knows better. Alfred is more of a prankster than he’ll ever admit to. And, Bruce adds silently to himself, he’s pretty sure Alfred is still pissed about that one Ming vase Clark broke a few months ago. 

Bruce starts out with a simple question, because as with any other mission, he has to build the basics before he can go in for the kill. Or capture. Or in this case Clark’s surrender. 

“What are you getting me for my birthday?” He asks one evening while they’re sitting close together on the two seater couch. They could easily move to the bigger one but then there’d be too much room between them. It’s an unspoken thing; this way they’re pressed closely together just how they like it. 

“What?” Clark looks up from his book. Jason has recommended one of his favorites and Clark is taking it very seriously. It warms Bruce’s heart that his son would take the time to recommend Clark something and that Clark in turn takes time out of his day to actually read it. 

“It’s my birthday in a few weeks,” Bruce tells him like it isn’t usually Clark who has to remind Bruce that an entire year has passed since the last time they celebrated his birth.  

“I know that, B, we’re gonna go see my parents during the weekend, remember?” Clark chuckles. “I know you’re turning 41 but it’s still too early for you to forget your own birthday plans.” 

“I didn’t ask about our plans,” Bruce says with a pout. He’s too old for using tactics like these but he has to use every weapon in his arsenal. After Kryptonite, Bruce sticking his lower lip out and looking pathetic is probably Clark’s biggest weakness. “I asked about my gift.” 

“I’m not telling you what you’re getting,” Clark says. He’s rolling his eyes like Bruce is being particularly ridiculous, which he is, but he’s smiling that warm smile of his that means he finds Bruce endearing. “You’ll have to wait like a good boy.” 

“Does that mean you haven’t gotten me anything yet?” Bruce knows for a fact that Clark spends weeks if not months preparing his gifts. He always does and has been doing so since they started dating. He still hasn’t forgotten that first birthday they spent at the farm and has made it his mission to make sure to get Bruce the most thoughtful and perfect gifts every single chance he gets. 

Anniversaries, Christmases and birthdays alike Clark spends an ungodly amount of time and effort making sure Bruce will be spoiled rotten. Bruce, of course, has told him he doesn’t need to get him anything but he knows he’s just as bad as Clark is. The childhood book he hunted down was just the beginning. It’s not like they try to upstage each other but there is a hint of competition between them at this point. It’s all in good fun though, which is why Bruce has no doubt in his mind that even if Clark hasn’t yet bought anything, he already knows what he’s getting. Bruce may be the one who likes being prepared for anything but Clark isn’t far behind, especially not after they’ve been dating this long. 

“Not telling.” 

“Aren’t you supposed to be completely honest with me and answer all questions I ask to the best of your ability?” Bruce prods. He makes sure to sound sulky and not like he’s getting exactly what he wants. 

“That’s not how the rules work,” Clark laughs. “How can I surprise you if I tell you what I’m getting you?” 

“Aw,” Bruce says. “But I really want to know.” 

“Too bad,” Clark retorts and then turns his attention back to his book. There’s a few moments of silence and then, “Was there something in particular you wanted? You never ask me for anything.” 

Bruce smothers a grin. He knows his boyfriend too well; he knew Clark wouldn’t be able to keep his curiosity to himself. “I may have a few ideas,” he tells him.  

“And if I’ve already bought your gift?” 

“I’ll just keep my wishes to myself then, I suppose,” Bruce says with a shrug. He turns back to look at his phone but he doesn’t even have to wait a full two seconds before Clark speaks again. Just like Bruce knew he would.  

“You’re not fooling anyone there, Mr. Wayne,” Clark points out despite him clearly taking the bait. “But I’ll indulge you this once. What would you like for your birthday?” 

“Oh nothing fancy,” Bruce says with a grin. “It won’t cost you a cent.” 

This somehow makes Clark look nervous all of a sudden. Good, he should be nervous. Bruce obviously won’t ask for much, he’s not about to torture Clark just because of his plans, but he will make sure Clark truly does indulge him. Because it’ll all come together in a few weeks and Bruce is a patient man (when need be). He just needs Clark to agree to this one thing to get the ball rolling, and because Clark is not only a good man, but an amazing boyfriend, he obviously agrees to Bruce’s seemingly innocent request. 

Bruce’s birthday wish isn’t anything excessive in the grand scheme of things. All he wants is for Clark to be his plus one at an event he’s been invited to. The nervous look on Clark’s face vanishes and he actually looks a little relieved when he agrees. He’s probably thought Bruce was going to ask for something big and fancy just to get a rise out of him, but oh no. That part doesn’t come until later. 

This is far from over. 

Bruce makes sure to send Clark home early on the day of the event. It’s a formal gala, not that he’ll tell Clark that before they arrive. Where’s the fun in warning him of his impending doom?  Not that Bruce will take it too far tonight, he’ll just… have a little fun. At Clark’s expense. 

Now, Bruce may have made grand plans for his little game of revenge but he hasn’t actually prepared anything for the gala itself except for a tiny present he’s made sure will arrive at Clark’s door in time for him to be able to wear it. 

It’s not in his plans to stand on the helipad on the roof of the hotel but before he knows it, his feet have already taken him there. To be fair, before he left the manor, Damian had grabbed his arm and whispered two words in his ear, and what kind of father would he be if he didn't indulge his children every once in a while? 

Bruce checks his watch, there’s still over an hour until the event starts but seeing as he’s Bruce Wayne, nobody bats an eye as he arrives. He’s usually late to these things but he doesn’t need all the guests to see what he’s about to do. The staff is too busy trying to get everything perfect, which is how Bruce can sneak past them up to the roof. Well, he could have probably done it regardless, but he doesn’t need someone to come ask him if he needs anything when he’s planning on messing with his superpowered boyfriend. 

The phone in his pocket buzzes and Bruce knows by now that it’s Clark telling him he’s on his way. He’s always considerate like that. It’s one of the best things about him. It’s also the cue Bruce has been waiting for. He sneaks onto the other side of the building, making sure he can’t be seen from the surrounding buildings. The pedestrians beneath him won’t notice a thing if Clark is as fast as Bruce knows he is. He smiles to himself for just a moment. 

“Trust fall,” Bruce says as he steps off the building. He’s not yelling but he’s not whispering either. Even if he was, he knows Clark will be able to hear him. 

He’s barely fallen one story before a pair of strong arms catch him and he’s back on the roof. It’s not like Bruce suddenly understands why it’s such a thrill for the kids to taunt him with this game and it’s been several months since any of them have thrown themselves off a roof, but he does find himself slightly giddy. It’s not often he finds himself falling through air without his grappling hook by his side. 

Clark doesn’t set him down immediately though, instead he tightens his arms around Bruce’s back and knees and in an uncharacteristically strained voice, he asks, “What were you thinking?!” 

“I thought you might be late,” Bruce says innocently. He sneaks his arms around Clark’s neck and subtly takes a look at his new suit. It’s beautiful and looks just like Bruce imagined when he ordered it. It’s tailored to fit Clark perfectly and Bruce is happy he made sure to get the proper measurements, even though Clark doesn’t need to know how he did that. It’s not like it’s the last suit he’ll have tailor made for him. 

“I literally just texted you that I was on my way!” Clark huffs and then finally sets Bruce’s feet back on the ground. He looks a little less panicked now. 

“Oh, did you?” Bruce asks, keeping his arms around Clark’s neck. He doesn’t actually want Clark to be scared out of his mind but judging from the frown on his face, he’s already halfway over his worry and several steps into his you are an idiot speech. “My bad.” 

“For the love of-” Clark sighs heavily. He’s apparently too flustered to even start his speech. Interesting. “You could’ve just called.” 

“I did,” Bruce points out. He has a hard time keeping the grin off his face but he’s had decades of practice, keeping his face smiling or neutral at any given time. It comes in handy at times like these.  

“Not like that,” Clark scolds. He does however finally lift his hands to place them on Bruce’s waist. So he’s more or less forgiven already, that’s good. 

“I thought you loved trust falls.” 

“Yeah, when it’s-” Clark snaps his mouth shut and has the audacity to look past Bruce’s shoulder so he doesn’t have to look him in the eye. 

“When it’s what?” Bruce asks, tilting his head so their eyes are forced to meet anyway. “Me who has to jump off a roof to catch a kid?” 

“Well,” Clark mutters. 

Bruce is 100 percent sure that it is the slight guilt Clark feels that keeps him from figuring out what Bruce is planning and he is more than okay with that. He’s thrown himself off countless rooftops because of this shitty rule, Clark won’t die from one single catch. And despite this being a plan to teach Clark a little lesson, Bruce has never had a single doubt in his mind; Clark will absolutely catch him, anytime, anywhere, no matter where he calls from or what he needs help with. That’s just who Clark is. A good and trusting man, who will do anything to keep Bruce safe and happy. It’s also why Bruce can keep his plan a secret just a while longer. 

“You look great, by the way,” Bruce says casually when Clark doesn’t elaborate. He really didn’t expect him to either, it’s clear as day that he feels guilty. Good thing he doesn’t know this part of their evening was Damian’s idea.  

“Thank you. For the suit too,” Clark responds, clearly eager for the change of topic. He lets Bruce fix his slightly crooked tie without a fuss, even lifting his chin a little so Bruce has room to redo the entire thing. Clark is apparently not quite adept at doing a proper Windsor with a silk tie. 

“Shall we?” Bruce extends his hand when he’s done fiddling. 

“Yes.” Clark looks like he’s just dodged a Kryptonite bullet, despite Bruce being the one who did something dumb. “What are we doing tonight? I feel like we’ll be overdressed even in front of royalty right now.” 

Bruce smirks as he takes Clark’s hand. Oh, this is going to be so much fun. 

Clark doesn’t know what he’s done to deserve this. Okay, no, that’s not quite true. But his teasing has nothing on whatever Bruce is doing now. He should’ve seen it coming, he knows Bruce, he should know better than to think he’d be able to keep the upper hand when he’s up against Batman of all people. But no, Clark has lulled himself into a fake sense of peace because if they ignore the charity event a few months ago, Bruce hasn’t actually made much of a fuss over the stupid rules Clark has made up. 

He really should have seen this coming. 

It feels like Bruce has planned this all along and while that can’t be true - Clark has made the rules up as they went along, there’s no way Bruce could have predicted all this - Clark can’t shake the feeling that he’s walked into a trap. Bruce is way too prepared and yes, okay, he’s Batman, Clark knows his contingency plans have contingency plans but still, this is excessive even for him. It’s like he’s out to make Clark swallow every last rule like a mouthful of lemon and despite Clark doing his best to be a good sport, Bruce is clearly winning. 

Clark can’t pinpoint exactly when it starts, that’s how sneaky Bruce has been, but he does know when he’s in the middle of whatever the hell Bruce is cooking up. It’s not exactly hard to figure out that something’s up when a giant package arrives at his place after Bruce has unceremoniously kicked him out of the manor an hour prior. 

It’s a suit. 

Which in and of itself is fine, Bruce sometimes likes gifting Clark fancier pieces of clothing but he usually sticks to little items as to not make Clark uncomfortable. It’s not a secret that their financial situations are nearly polar opposite. Which is why Bruce sticks to the little things. A nice pocket square here, an expensive satin tie there. Sometimes he goes as far as to get him a new shirt because he for some unexplainable reason doesn’t think Clark owns proper shirts. He does, okay, just not nearly as many as Bruce does. He does however not own anything even close to the quality of this suit. Because of course it’s not just a suit. It’s some fancy Italian brand that Clark can barely pronounce and it comes with a button down so soft it feels like it should cost the same as Clark’s entire apartment building. There are a pair of dark brown leather oxfords in there, in Clark’s size obviously, as well as a watch, and a pocket square that matches the fancy tie Clark barely dares to touch. 

Now, Clark is well aware that Bruce asked him to be his date to an event of some kind, even if he’s been a little vague about the details. That usually doesn’t bother him, they haven’t gone to many events together yet and Bruce always makes sure he’s appropriately prepared for whatever they’re walking into. It’s like he sees life the same way he does missions with the League. It’s quite endearing and something Clark adores about Bruce. Usually. This time around Clark has no idea where they’re even supposed to go and even as he looks at the fancy suit, he can’t figure out what Bruce is thinking. 

It isn’t until he’s in the suit, having just texted Bruce that he’s on his way to the manor that he figures out that his boyfriend is indeed messing with him. Bruce has never in their entire relationship uttered the words “trust fall”, not even when the kids were going all in on the game. It’s not that Bruce says the words that clue him in as much as the conversation that follows. Clark thought they’d been over this already, he’s even had a talk with the boys, with varying levels of success, and it’s been quiet for months. But of course, Bruce is still hung up on it. It’s probably why he invited Clark to the event in the first place; getting to see him panic and dressing him up in fancy clothes, he knows Clark won’t dare touch in fear that he’ll somehow ruin them just from brushing his fingers against the fabric. 

Okay, so point taken. Clark has made some silly rules and this is Bruce’s way of telling him to knock it off. He hasn’t made a single new rule in months though and he barely uses the ones they have. Okay, no, that’s a lie, he does enjoy watching Bruce squirm and practically beg for punishments because he’s too stubborn to be honest with his own wants and needs. But it’s not like Clark abuses the rules, he merely enjoys that they’re in place and takes slight advantage when an opportunity arises. 

Which is why he knows he can’t even say anything when Bruce pulls him into an extraordinarily fancy decorated room at the most expensive hotel in Gotham. Clark may have thought that the whole trust fall thing was the extent of Bruce’s little plan but oh no. He shouldn’t be surprised that Bruce has made sure that the entire evening is filled with things Clark is not entirely a fan of. Hate is a strong word but dislike seems rather appropriate. Now, it’s not like he’s averse to dancing in front of others, even if he isn’t exactly a professional. He also doesn’t mind fancy food and small talk with strangers. He’s a reporter and he’s Superman. He has experience with all of this. 

He does not have enough experience, it turns out. 

At the end of the evening Clark feels like he’s been up against Luthor for three weeks straight. His head is buzzing and his stomach cannot handle another sip of fizzy drink. How the hell does Bruce keep chugging them? Clark knows that Bruce has more experience with these things but there has to be a limit somewhere. Looking at Bruce, he’s apparently nowhere near that limit. He’s still smiling brilliantly, making jokes and being his charming self. Well, Bruce Wayne’s charming self. There’s no way Clark’s Bruce actually enjoys talking about foreign fabrics that can only be used to make specific handbags. You wouldn’t be able to tell that he’s bored out of his mind though; he keeps asking questions and making small comments at the appropriate times. Meanwhile Clark feels like he’s said the same four sentences all evening. 

“Is that so?” 

“That sounds interesting.” 

“Then what happened?” 

“Oh, no.” And the occasional “Oh, yes.” 

Clark realizes that this must be part of Bruce’s little scheme too and okay, this is the perfect revenge. Bruce has all the experience and he’s lugging Clark around like he’s a too-big purse dog. It doesn’t take a genius to see what he’s up to and so Clark sighs and accepts his fate. There are parts of the evening that Clark enjoys, of course, other than seeing Bruce all dressed up, looking like he’s more of a movie star than any of the actual celebrities at the gala. His favorite part by far is the way Bruce keeps a hand on his waist or his arm at all times and how he introduces him to people. 

“This is my partner, Clark,” he says. Sometimes he mixes it up. “My boyfriend,” is used more than once. “The boys’ stepfather,” hits deep and makes Clark flush with embarrassment and pride. 

It makes Clark want to giggle when Bruce shows him off like this. He likes not hiding their relationship. It makes him fantasize of a hopefully not-too-far-off future where Bruce will use other words to describe him. Fiance, perhaps. Husband, hopefully one day. 

At the end of their very long evening Clark graciously accepts that Bruce has now gotten his revenge and they’ve come to a peaceful resolution. It’s not like Clark has a dozen more rules up his sleeve just for the fun of it. He’s more than happy with the five he’s gotten already; they’re more than enough for him and Bruce has adapted to them as well. At least now that he’s gotten whatever this is out of his system, Clark figures he has adapted and accepted them. 

Clark is so, so wrong. 

Clark has never been more wrong in fact. 

He prides himself on knowing basically everything there is to know about his boyfriend so how in the world does he not see that of course Bruce won’t be satisfied with a tiny prank and dressing Clark up to show him off at a boring event? 

Bruce’s birthday is coming up, Clark knows this, his entire office knows this actually, because Clark has been planning and replanning for months already. He loves getting to spoil Bruce and rarely gets the chance to. At this point Lois is so tired of hearing about his gift ideas that she deliberately shoves earphones into her ears whenever he starts to ask her what she thinks about this particular gift or if that restaurant is fancy enough? 

Clark can’t wait to take Bruce out on a fancy date; he loves their simpler dates, loves taking Bruce out on picnics and their annual trip to the fair is his favorite part of the year by far. But there’s something nice about booking a table, sitting across from each other in candlelight and just enjoying each other’s company. Clark plans to take Bruce out on his actual birthday, he’s already made sure the kids haven’t planned anything in the evening, and then the following weekend they’re going to visit Ma and Pa in Smallville. Clark wasn’t sure last year when Ma quietly asked if they’d like to come spend some time with them on Bruce’s birthday, but Bruce was more than happy to fly out and indulge in Ma’s cooking and Pa’s rambling stories. It makes Clark feel warm and happy in a way he hasn’t experienced in a long time. 

So that’s his plan and he sees no issues with it until Bruce starts acting weird. 

Okay, weird may be an overstatement, but compared to how he usually acts, his behavior is off somehow. He starts leaving little hints whenever they talk about his birthday and Clark tries his best to figure out what he’s trying to say but no matter how he presses, Bruce says he doesn’t know what he’s talking about. Seeing as it’s his birthday, Clark doesn’t feel like he can enforce the whole honesty rule on him, that would be unfair, so he tries his best to figure out the clues Bruce is subtly giving him. 

He’s not very successful. 

A week before his birthday Bruce then announces that he’s taken a few days off so they can celebrate properly. He’s even gone so far as to accept Ma’s invite to go see them on the actual day - they can take Bruce’s private jet so they don’t have to be dependent on an airline and their questionable flight plans. Clark knows that Bruce is doing this so that Clark’s parents feel like a part of the celebration (and family) and while it’s a very sweet gesture, that is not part of Clark’s plans. See, this year is not going to be like the others, this year he has a certain gift he would like to give Bruce privately. It comes with a very important question and while he loves his parents, he does not want to ask it in front of them. 

Clark can’t exactly tell Bruce that without ruining the surprise so he does the next best thing: he uses his very first veto. He’s not an idiot, he doesn’t actually veto going to see his parents, that would be too much and too revealing in and of itself. And it’s not like he doesn’t want to see them at all. He does however tell Bruce that he’s already made certain plans for them on his birthday so the veto isn’t all that hard to sell. He also makes a point of telling Bruce that they shouldn’t use his private jet like that, it’s a waste of fuel and does Bruce not realize how bad for the environment it is to fly back and forth within 24 hours like that? Instead they should go with Clark’s original plan and spend the weekend there, maybe they can even bring the kids if they’d like to come with them. It seems like his suggestion is convincing enough that Bruce lets him do the planning. 

Clark really should have known better than to just accept Bruce’s “okay, if you think that’s too much, we won’t take the plane to go see them”, but to be fair, he’s been thinking that Bruce is done with his little game of batifying the rules, so he’s not exactly thinking too much about it. He’s too busy trying to figure out where he’ll put his surprise. Champagne glass seems a bit tacky, as does the whole hidden in the desert thing. Maybe he should take Bruce to the restaurant where they first met - it might make the whole thing more comfortable; they can start out laughing at how silly the entire catfishing scheme was and then move on to how they’re grateful it happened. Because despite everything that’s happened between them over the past nearly three years, Clark wouldn’t change a single thing as long as it means he gets to share his life with Bruce. 

Clark is ready to admit that he’s a little nervous about the whole… present thing. Which is probably why he doesn’t notice things running away from him. Granted, he’s up against Bruce Wayne of all people but at this point he hasn’t even realized they’re in this weird pseudo rule-war. Okay, so he’s overlooked a lot of things because he’s been too busy panicking but nobody can really blame him for that. He’s planning to propose to Batman , he’s allowed to be a little distracted. 

Then, because life (more like Bruce) really is out to get him, Bruce drops the bombshell that he’s talked to Martha and they will indeed be joining them for the birthday celebration. No, he’s not going against Clark’s veto, he’s simply made arrangements for them to come to Gotham instead. They’ll be staying for a long weekend, so it won’t be a waste of fuel and if Clark has made plans just for the two of them, this way they won’t be disturbed - so no breaking of Clark’s actual veto. Seeing as Clark doesn’t want to come to them in the private jet (that is so not the point but Bruce doesn’t know that), the private jet has to take them to Gotham. 

Mountain and Muhammed, so to speak. 

Clark can’t think of a reasonable argument now that Bruce and Ma are in cahoots, not without confessing to his own plans and he’s not about to do that. He’s sure it’ll be fine though, this is just Bruce messing with him because he finally used the veto rule. Clark will make it work somehow; he’ll figure out a way to get Bruce alone, it’s not like Ma and Pa are going to stay glued to their side the entire five days. Clark thinks he’s prepared, that he’s found a way to make the birthday plans work despite the little hiccup, but he is utterly unprepared for what’s about to happen. 

Bruce hasn’t exactly been keeping track (another lie) but at this point he’s pretty sure he’s down to the last rule. And it just so happens to be his favorite one. Not because of the rule itself, mind you, the whole “declaring your love publicly” thing is sweet and all but that’s not why Bruce enjoys this particular rule. It is because of the myriad of possibilities it presents. 

For example: Bruce has not really been using any pet names for Clark despite vowing to spend the rest of his life butchering his boyfriend with the very affectionate nickname Clarky-poo. It turns out not even Bruce can utter that without wanting to jump off the highest building in Gotham - no trust fall or grapple hook in play. It’s not like Clark has asked about it either, he hasn’t even as much as hinted to wanting to be called anything but his name, which is probably why Bruce is almost jittery with excitement when he answers the door to see Martha and Jonathan on his doorstep. 

“Sweetie, your parents are here!” Bruce calls up the stairs. He knows he doesn’t have to raise his voice at all but how else is he supposed to make sure Martha and Jonathan hear the cute little pet name? 

“Here?” Clark’s voice carries through the manor easily. “What do you mean here? Weren’t they supposed to- Oh.” He stops halfway down the stairs. “Hi Ma, hi Pa.” 

“Hi honey,” Martha says with a bright smile. Bruce would feel bad for including them in his plans if they didn’t look so excited about being here. Martha in particular, seeing as Jonathan is a little quieter in his excitement. 

“Son,” Jonathan greets and then accepts Bruce’s help with their suitcases. He has made sure to tell them they don’t need to bring anything but who is he to judge when they’ve kept it to two small suitcases? Bruce would’ve probably packed twice that much if their roles were reversed. 

“I thought we could go shopping and get lunch together,” Martha says as she claps her hands together. From what she’s told Bruce over the phone, they’ve never spent much time in Metropolis despite Clark living there and they’ve never been to Gotham. She’s excited to get a tour of the town.  

“Yeah, that- sure, that sounds fun,” Clark says. “Do you want to stop by your hotel on the way or?” 

“Don’t be silly, darling,” Bruce chuckles. He makes sure to keep a soft smile on his face as he speaks. “Of course, your parents are staying here while they’re in Gotham. No need to waste good money on a hotel room when we’ve got plenty of empty rooms.” 

“Uh,” Clark seems to bluescreen for a second before he comes online again. “No, yeah, that’s- that’s true.” 

“Why don’t you get set up in your room before we go?” Bruce suggests. Before he even has a chance to offer to help carry anything, Alfred is by their side, polite and charming as ever. Bruce can’t help the warm feeling that spreads throughout his body at seeing them all get along so well. 

“Will the west wing suffice, Master Bruce?” Alfred asks over his shoulder and Bruce takes this chance to follow them up the stairs. He’s pretty sure Clark has some questions that he is not willing to answer yet. He’s having too much fun. 

“Yes, that sounds good. You don’t mind a view of the garden, do you, Martha? I’m sad to say there’s not much of a sunrise or sunset to watch from any of the rooms in the manor.” 

“Oh, nonsense, Bruce, I’m sure your garden is lovely!” 

They delve into a conversation about garden work and while Bruce is no expert, he’s not entirely without knowledge either. He can carry a conversation well enough to even have Jonathan nodding his approval, which is a stamp of pride if Bruce has ever got one. 

Clark catches up with them soon enough, naturally fitting into the conversation just like he does in any other setting. Despite the surprise he seems to have accepted Bruce’s last-minute addition to their plans. To be fair it’s not all for Bruce’s plan - he really does enjoy spending time with Martha and Jonathan and he knows Clark has been busy recently, so it’s a win-win situation. This way Clark gets to see his parents and Bruce gets to have a little extra fun. 

When the Kents have unpacked, it doesn’t take long for them all to file into one of Bruce’s cars. He insists on driving himself, despite Alfred offering to take them. There’s really no need for that, they’re simply going downtown to window show and eat lunch. 

It isn’t until they’re in the fifth store, Jonathan and Clark sporting the same exhausted looks on their faces after having to run around after Martha, that Clark approaches Bruce. He’s enjoying the day more than he thought he would - not because of the fifth rule, but because it’s actually very fun seeing how much Jonathan and Clark are alike despite not sharing any blood. Martha is a lively woman and she’s dragging them all around like she’ll never again get the chance to look through Gotham’s fancier stores. Bruce makes a mental note to invite them to visit again. He’s sure Dick would love being Martha’s bag-holder if only to get to see Bruce go through another exhausting shopping experience. 

“Uh, B?” Clark asks him carefully. 

“Hmm?” Bruce hums as he looks over a rack of expensive jeans. They’re not really his style but there’s a pair that he’s sure would suit Clark very well. 

“What’s with all the, uh,” Clark pauses as he searches for his words.  

“The what?” 

“The name calling?” He finally says, voice kept low. “I thought you said no to all of these.” 

Bruce hides a smile behind his hand, pretending to look over the pants in deep thought. He’s been well aware of all the looks Clark has been sending him throughout the day; more confused than anything. 

“Do you not like it?” He asks as he finally turns to look at Clark. “Should I stop?” 

“What, no, that’s not what I meant, it’s just-” 

“Clark, come look at this gorgeous sweater,” Martha’s voice interrupts him. “Won’t your father just look adorable in this?” 

“Go help your mother,” Bruce says as he pushes Clark towards his mom. He can’t help but smile at the confused look on his boyfriend’s face - granted, it’s not purely Clark’s face that has him laughing. Jonathan looks absolutely appalled at being called adorable, and even more so when faced with the possibility of being forced into a bright yellow fluffy sweater.  

Needless to say they leave the store with both the nice pair of jeans (that Bruce makes sure Martha has Clark try on to make sure they fit), the sweater Jonathan tries to say no to and a whole bunch of other stuff that Bruce refuses to let them pay for. Martha tries to argue, they’re there for Bruce’s birthday, after all, but Bruce is having none of it. They’re his guests, he’s allowed to pamper them a little. 

Martha is worried Bruce pampers Clark the same way, which makes for a perfect excuse to wrap his arm around Clark’s waist and snuggle up close to him. Even he knows he’s acting nothing like his age but he’s having too much fun to be embarrassed about it. He turns 41 tomorrow, he’ll act his age then. Maybe. 

“Oh, Clark rarely ever lets me pamper him,” Bruce says, making sure to look as dejected as possible. “I’m not even allowed to pay for our coffee.” 

“Well that seems a tad excessive,” Martha says with a frown. “I know we raised you to be polite, sweetheart, but you need to let Bruce do some things for you as well.” 

Clark looks like he wants to fly off into the sky from being put on the spot by his mother and his boyfriend. Bruce holds onto him a little tighter. Jonathan, for his part, has his lips pressed together and is looking off to the side of the street as if he’s trying not to add onto his son’s embarrassment. 

“He does, Ma, come on. He got me a brand new suit just two weeks ago!” Clark argues. 

“That you’ve only used once,” Bruce says, trying his utmost to sound like Dick when Jason refuses to stay for dinner. A little whiny, a little pathetic, but trying not to show it. “Even though you said you liked it.” 

“I do!” Clark says quickly. “I love it, it’s very nice, I just don’t have many occasions to wear it.” 

“Why don’t we make an occasion then?” Martha suggests happily. Bruce has never been more grateful that most people are predictable if given the right circumstances. He wasn’t sure if Martha would take the bait - he doesn’t know her as well as he’d like when it comes to these things - but she’s making the day even more perfect than he’s planned. She then goes on to say, “The nice dress you just got me will just collect dust at home. Why don’t we go out for a nice meal tonight?” 

“Tonight?” Clark squeaks. 

“You said you’d already planned Bruce’s birthday tomorrow, didn’t you?” Martha asks and there’s a subtle judgment in her voice. “Of course, only if you’ve got the time, dear,” she then directs at Bruce. 

“Even if I didn’t, I would make time for you, Martha,” Bruce says smoothly. “Dinner sounds nice, don’t you think, honey?” 

Clark takes it in stride, of course, although he does look a little lost. Bruce almost feels bad but then he remembers the countless times Clark has sat on top of him, tickling him mercilessly because he hasn’t said the right answer to whatever question he’s asked. 

“Yes, of course, that does sound nice,” Clark says and he almost sounds like he means it. 

It’s not like they’ve planned anything special for tonight so there really is no need for Clark to look like his favorite toy just got run over by a truck. Bruce may be a menace these days but he’s not mean enough to actually foil Clark’s plans for his birthday - which is why he laid out the bait to make tonight the night Clark will end up begging for mercy. 

After another round of window shopping they make their way home to rest before dinner. Bruce makes sure to book a table at a great restaurant - it just so happens to be the one where he met Clark the very first time. Clark sends him a funny look, looking almost constipated even as he agrees that yes, he’s sure his parents will love it. Bruce shrugs Clark’s weird expression off; he’s probably just overloaded his brain with the entire shopping trip. 

“I’ll just pop back home real quick,” Clark tells him when he’s off the phone. “I didn’t bring the suit with me.” 

“Just-” Bruce frowns. “How will you explain that to your parents?” 

Clark blinks at him once. Then twice. Then his face breaks into a sympathetic smile. “B, I think you might have had a too long day already. Obviously Ma and Pa know I can get to Metropolis and back in a few minutes.” 

Bruce rolls his eyes. “Obviously,” he states. “But how will you explain in front of- ah.” 

“You okay there, sweetheart?” Clark asks, clearly trying not to outright laugh at him. 

“Don’t be so condescending,” Bruce mutters. Of course, Clark has let his parents know that Bruce knows he’s Superman. They’ve been together nearly three years, it would be weird to keep those kinds of secrets from his parents. Just because Bruce hasn’t told his future in-laws that he’s Batman yet, doesn’t mean Clark’s parents wouldn’t have already asked how much Bruce knows about Clark’s other persona. “Last Christmas your mother nearly slipped up and she looked like she was contemplating hitting me over the head with the frying pan to make sure I would forget.” 

“Which is why I decided to tell them that you already know,” Clark says with a smile.  

“You just conveniently forgot to tell me that they know I know?” Bruce mutters as he glares daggers at Clark. Forget about reeling his plans in to make Clark have a nice evening with his parents, this is an all out war. He was starting to feel a little bad but that evaporated as soon as he made a fool out of himself because of Clark’s stupid assumption. 

“I actually figured you’d already noticed that day, so I didn’t think I needed to tell you.” Clark shrugs like that’s that and then presses a quick kiss to Bruce’s cheek. “I’ll be back in ten. Love you.” 

“Yeah, yeah,” Bruce mumbles. “Love you too.” 

He can’t help but be a little annoyed at how he’s embarrassed himself, even though he’s lucky he didn’t ask in front of Martha and Jonathan. That would’ve made him want to hide in his room like a sullen teenager. Clark leaving does give Bruce an opportunity to talk alone with Martha and Jonathan though, which… turns out to be absolutely perfect. 

He subtly lets the Kents know that Clark has gone to pick up his suit in Metropolis and that he’s made reservations at a special restaurant. Martha takes the bait instantly, while Jonathan simply hums in quiet curiosity. Why is it so special? Well, Bruce explains, it’s where he and Clark had their very first date. Oh, Clark hasn’t told them about it? Of course, Bruce is more than happy to tell them all about how they met on a dating app, well, no, that’s not quite right. Clark met someone on the dating app and that someone was using Bruce’s picture. 

Jonathan looks like he’s worried Clark has somehow been taken advantage of until Bruce explains that it was his kids who were behind the whole charade. Of course, it ended up being the best thing to happen to either of them, but Bruce does admit that it was quite awkward at first and how he’d been sure Clark was a stalker of some kind. It’s a fun little story and Bruce makes sure to leave just enough details out that there’s no way Clark will be able to sneak out of telling his caring parents about how he got tricked into a date with a stranger who had no idea who he was. 

As soon as Clark returns, the questions start. And boy, does Martha have a lot of questions for her son. Apparently, Clark’s version of their first meeting has been told a little differently from the one Bruce has just shared. 

“You matched with Bruce’s son on a dating app?” Martha gasps the second she lays eyes on Clark. 

Bruce grins at his boyfriend’s awkward expression as he tries to explain to his mother that no, of course, he didn’t match with a teenager, and yes, he knows it’s risky doing the whole dating app thing, but he’s Superman and it all worked out fine. 

Bruce can barely keep from grinning all the way to the restaurant. Clark is having a rough time and it is glorious. The story of their first date opens up a whole Pandora’s box of questions from the Kents and Clark is doing his best to answer them without giving Bruce’s nightly activities away. He’s been sending Bruce pleading looks all evening and Bruce in turn has pointedly ignored every single one of them. Instead of helping out he’s been the perfect boyfriend; making sure to add fuel to Martha’s curiosity fire, while also pressing sweet little kisses to Clark’s cheek and holding his hand to show his unwavering support. Clark looks like he’s been betrayed and Bruce is grinning like a moron. This is what you get for messing with the bat. 

The last straw is seemingly when Martha, as subtle as a freitrain, asks them if they’ve talked about marriage yet. Usually, Bruce would let Clark handle the conversation because it’s his mother and Bruce doesn’t ever want to overstep. But the look on Clark’s face - something close to horror mixed with utter embarrassment - has something playful settle in Bruce’s mind. He doesn’t even have to prod Martha to start the conversation; all he has to do is sit back and enjoy the show. Well, and maybe help it along a tiny bit. 

“Yes, babe, why haven’t we discussed marriage yet?” He blinks his eyes innocently at Clark, who turns bright red. Bruce is well aware he’s being a little shit but he’s been putting up with Clark’s stupid rules for well over two years now, if you count that first night in his living room. And Bruce does indeed count it. 

“That’s- mom, you can’t just ask that out of the blue- we’re- that’s not-” Clark splutters, his face bright red. 

Bruce has never heard Clark stutter so utterly hopeless before. It is a sight to behold. Jonathan looks like he’s trying to smother his laughter in his glass and Bruce is barely holding onto his mask himself. Martha looks overjoyed that Bruce isn’t averse to talking about the subject so she launches into a whole speech about equality and how it’s legal now and doesn’t Clark want to show Bruce how much he loves him? 

“Ma, please,” Clark tries to make her stop, and Bruce just watches with a smile. “There’s- That’s a private thing- and Bruce has the boys, it’s not something we can just jump into.” His excuses are evaporating into thin air faster than he can spit them out. He’s really grasping at straws here. 

“Oh, what nonsense,” Martha tells him. “I’m sure the boys would love to have you as their stepdad. Won’t they, Bruce?” 

“Of course,” Bruce agrees easily. Because it’s true. The boys adore Clark, whether they’re willing to admit it or not. And it’s not like Bruce hasn’t thought about marriage at all; there’s a reason he’s teased Clark by calling him the boys’ stepfather once or twice already. It may have been mostly good natured teasing, but Bruce has been taking note of how Clark has reacted every single time. There’s no way he’ll propose before he’s made sure how Clark feels about the prospect of marriage. 

At least it sounds like Martha is on board. 

Then, because the Kents always have a way of surprising him, Jonathan chimes in with, “Y’all could have the ceremony at the farm. Didn’t you say your youngest wanted to come visit sometime, Bruce?” 

“All of my boys would love to come see the farm,” Bruce says honestly. Okay, he’s not quite sure about Jason but he’s been opening up recently and if Alfred comes with them… Or maybe if it’s Clark who asks… Yes, he’s sure even Jason would like to join them. 

“Pastor Jake could do it!” Martha suggests eagerly and even though Bruce has no idea who Pastor Jake is, he nods his head and blinks his eyes so she can see he’s interested. 

It turns out Pastor Jake is a close friend of the Kents, which would mean less cost for the ceremony and Marthan then dives into how she’s got a friend at the local bakery who makes the most wonderful wedding cakes. What’s a wedding without wedding cakes? And which flavor does Bruce like? Blueberries would be great decoration and seeing as they’re in season from April on, they could have a late spring wedding. Summer in Kansas gets awfully hot, after all, but it would be nice to have a long and bright day, wouldn’t it? 

Bruce does his very best to follow the conversation and nods approvingly, but mostly he keeps stealing glances at Clark, who looks more and more like he wants to slam his head against the table. It is a sight to behold and Bruce wishes, not for the first time, that he could wear the cowl in public so he could record this moment to keep forever. 

Just before dessert is served, Bruce excuses himself to go to the bathroom. When he comes out, Clark catches his arm before he returns to the table. He looks absolutely frazzled. 

“Bruce, please,” Clark begs. He doesn’t need to elaborate at all. They’ve been talking about non-existent marriage plans all night and Bruce hasn’t even had to say more than a few words; Martha has been on such a roll that he barely has to contribute. 

“I’m just trying to make sure your parents know how much I love you,” Bruce tells him, because he knows exactly what Clark is referring to even if he doesn’t explicitly say it. There is no way in hell Bruce will tell Martha to stop though, he’s having too much fun.  

“Yes, I know, but please make it stop,” Clark whines, tugging on his sleeve like he’s a child begging their parents for a toy. Or to be allowed to go home from a boring event. Neither is the case though and Clark isn’t asking his mother for help, he’s asking Bruce for help to handle his mother.  

“How do you expect me to do that?” Bruce asks innocently. 

“Talk about something else, anything else!” Clark says desperately. “Tell them about work or ask them to meet the kids tomorrow. Tell them you’re Batman, just do something!” 

“I’m sorry, babe,” Bruce says with the worst fake-pity he can put on. “The rules clearly state that I have to let the public know how dear you are to me, remember?” 

“That’s not what I meant by that! And the rules say that it shouldn’t make me uncomfortable!” 

“Is the thought of marrying me making you uncomfortable?” 

“What?” Clark gapes and looks almost insulted at the thought. That’s good. “No! Of course not. But talking about wedding cakes with my mother while you and Pa laugh at me does!” 

“Well, I think we’re having a grand time.” 

“You- I’m vetoing the rule!” 

“You already vetoed one rule this month, didn’t you?” Bruce reminds him oh so kindly. “Otherwise we would’ve had this conversation in the privacy of your parents’ home.” 

“Oh, come on,” Clark groans. “B, please just stop it with the rules.” 

So he’s finally caught on, has he? Bruce tries and fails to keep the grin off his face. There’s no way he’s going to do a single thing to deter Martha’s wedding talk. Not only because it’s the most fun he’s had in weeks but also because he can’t help but be at least a little intrigued at the thought of marrying Clark in Smallville, surrounded by their loved ones. While Martha’s plans are very much just silly little fantasies, they could be a reality in the not so far off future. And if Bruce is being honest, even though Clark is clearly embarrassed to the point of whining about it, he hasn’t told his mother to shut up or butt out of their business, so he’s not entirely uninterested. At least that’s what Bruce chooses to believe. 

“I thought you said you don’t make the rules?” Bruce smirks. “If you don’t make them, you can’t just take them away. You said one veto per month, remember?” 

“I was joking, please, I promise not to make up any more rules,” Clark says and Bruce has no doubt that he means it. But where’s the fun in letting him off the hook already?  

“Oh no, it’s too late for that, I already live by these rules, they’re incarnated into my routine now,” Bruce tells him. It’s not a lie either; now that he’s found a way to make the rules work in his favor, he’s not about to give them up. They can be quite useful after all.  

“That’s not fair.” 

“Sorry, Clark,” Bruce says with a shrug. “I don’t make the rules.” 

Clark groans. 

Neither of them make any more rules after that but it doesn’t stop Bruce from using the ones they already have in place whenever he feels a particular need to remind Clark just who he’s in love with. As a treat.

And Martha is absolutely right. They do need to talk about marriage sooner or later. Bruce hopes it’s sooner, because the ring he’s been carrying around for the past six weeks is starting to burn a hole in his pocket. 

It’s funny how fate works, isn’t it? The day Bruce finally gets that little box out of his pocket is much closer than he thinks - but for once he’s not the one who’s well prepared. The only reason he gets the box out is because Clark is holding his own little velvet box in his shaking hands, down on one knee and with a nervous smile on his face. 

How long he’s planned this? Bruce doesn’t bother asking. He has a vague idea anyway. He just gets down on his own knee, holding his own box out and grins at Clark. Neither has to say yes out loud. 

They’ll have to come up with a whole new set of rules now. Marriage Rules, Clark calls them. Bruce immediately vetoes the entire idea. 

But as we all know, vetoes are only valid for a month…