Work Text:
I AIN’T AFRAID OF NO...
D/N 09/04/22: Episode cut from ep lineup, not favoured over xmas special. Writers room agreed the tone was off and plot more akin to Yonderland… also show’s pretty spooky as it is. Audience demographic polls 02/22 indicate lack of interest in niche-r holidays. Also writers dispute on [fan.ref.#24’CHESSHUSBANDS] whether to keep ambiguous or confirm. General consensus of ‘canon’.
SCENE 1:
EXT - MORNING. W/S, P/U. Sun is rising over button house, which is peculiarly situated on a cliff surrounded by the ocean. The house itself is old (the likes of Bram Stoker’s: Dracula - see reference portfolio ‘GOFIC INSPO’). INT SHT, C/P around the house’s corridors. It’s Victorian & antiquated, the furniture appears to have been stolen from the residence of Edgar Allen Poe or Oscar Wilde. Camera concludes in the gothic variation of JULIAN’S room. ZOOM before C/U, JULIAN is sleeping, incoherently muttering. CNG ANGLE, CAM is now the level of the bed as JULIAN slowly opens his eyes. The shot is purposely hidden from the waist down.
D/N 09/01: budget??? Larry send email to prop department. Ask around set for donations? Who’s that goth girl from hair? (The one who does the Robin wigs with that backcomb/ hairspray.)
JULIAN (in a sleepy, lackadaisical tone)
God Miss Fox! You just can’t keep your hands off me, can you?
W/N 08/02 Bayton, M: Have we overused the fox jokes?
POV: B/E/V over bed as JULIAN turns over, said ‘hand’ now revealed to be ROBIN cuddling him quite contently as they wind up face to face, noses practically touching.
ROBIN (casually)
Morning.
POV, OTS ROBIN. JULIAN shrieks, evidently surprised. He shuffles backwards in an attempt to distance himself and, in doing so, rolls off the bed. UP/SHT JULAIN’S POV as ROBIN sits up, glancing over the mattress down at him.
ROBIN (confused)
…What doing down there?
JULIAN (OS)
I…
ROBIN
…. You good?
POV, OTS ROBIN. JULIAN gets up, playing it off with that classic facaded confidence - perhaps straightening his lapels of running a hand through his hair. ROBIN’S face is a mix of bewilderment and amusement.
D/N 10/02: Funny, ghosts appearances can’t change! Good fan gag.
JULIAN (defensively)
Yes! Of course! Why wouldn't I be?
ROBIN
Y- Just fell off bed…
JULIAN (cutting ROBIN off)
-MY bed! I fell out of m-
W/S ROBIN’S face changes into that of concern as JULIAN paces around, ill-at-ease.
ROBIN
Wasn’t because I-?
JULIAN
What? Just now when you-? Oh you thought I was- ha! Takes more than an impromptu wake-up call to spook me, Robin! I once drew the curtains to six daily mail journalists!
OTS JULIAN.
ROBIN (confused)
Wake up call? But me been here since last night?
D/N 07/02: have Julian’s eyes widen in response to this confession.
JULIAN (quietly)
Since l-last night, ay? (W/S, JULIAN re-gains his previous ‘composure’) Yes! Last night! Yes, I knew that! Of course! Because we did - well, did not, should I say - what is it we did, again? Not That, obviously.
JULIAN pauses, demeanour comparable to an amnesia-ridden alcoholic. ROBIN is still watching from the bed. C/U ROBIN, naturally, does not understand the insinuation. He cocks his head like a dog. Back to POV W/S.
ROBIN
Not what?
JULIAN dabbles in the performance of a vulgar gesticulation before thinking better of it. He turns to leave, perhaps tripping over his feet.
W/N Farnaby, S 06/01: vague rolling of hands or finger in hole? How far can we take this?
JULIAN
It’s nothing, no! Silly! Absolutely fine by me!
L/S. JULIAN, grunting, attempts to open the door handle. C/U.
ROBIN (O/S)
Can just walk through-
JULIAN ceases his futile attempt to instead phase through the wall, head re-appearing to justify himself.
JULIAN (irritated)
I know!
Camera focus to ROBIN, utterly bewildered, perhaps also amused, by the events that have taken place.
ROBIN (to himself)
… Weird.
[CUT TO OPENING CREDITS]
SCENE 2:
L/S before D/I. SND CUE loud, fast-paced Rap Music is heard. C/P around a corner to the common room. MIKE has connected his phone to a new speaker, its packaging is strewn across the floor unceremoniously. Its appearance is in contrast to the dated furniture, the implications of modern adjustments or something metaphorical like that. Something for the critics to make an academic meal out of. W/S. MIKE is being watched by THOMAS, PAT, and MARY. Their mutters incomprehensible over the noise of the speaker. ENT. LADY BUTTON. She turns her nose up, huffing. EXT LADY BUTTON with similar haste. She shakes her head, muttering disapprovingly.
MIKE (obnoxious and triumphant)
Yes! It works! (He sings) Mikey-boy, he got his sound! Daddy got a speaker with a coupon he found!
THOMAS
(HE scoffs) Two hours to set up that garish noise machine - I despair! How shall I compose amidst this atrocious racket?! Is my artistry to be forever overshadowed by the obstreperous likes of (THOMAS glances at MIKE’S phone, OTS POV to see the screen. Back to W/S) Dizzy…. Rascal?
THOMAS makes a noise of disapproval.
MARY (perplexed)
Patrick, who be this drunken rascal?
PAT (informatively)
(He straightens his glasses) Well, Mary, I believe he’s what they call in the music industry a ‘Rapper.’
F/2, The last phrase is said with over-exaggerated air quotes. MARY gasps in awe.
MARY
Likes a present?
THOMAS
(F/1) Or confectionary?
PAT
(POV, W/S) Oh, no, like a… musician! It’s a particular genre involving sort-of fast, complicated lyrics - some rather explicit, actually… caught Daley listening to some naughty words on the tape deck once, had to-
THOMAS scoffs, interrupting his reminiscence . F/1.
THOMAS
Complicated lyrics sir? It’s nothing but shouting and blasphemy!
Pat attempts to speak, but is interrupted when ALISON walks in. L/S,
ALISON (to MIKE)
Ah, I see you’ve already set up, DJ Cooper!
MIKE
Yeah, thought I’d hook-up my playlist first-
As Mike is talking, THOMAS rolls his eyes.
D/N 08/02: maybe he makes a judgmental comment about their confusing modern language; perhaps to Pat who just sort-of nods politely.
MIKE
I tried the decks but the bluetooth had… other ideas… (he pulls a face) signal’s always been crap in this house anyway.
D/O to MARY whom looks to PAT nervously.
Mary (cautiously)
Blue… teeth?
PAT opens his mouth to explain, taking a breath with his finger raised. SCN CNG, C/T corridor that the CAPTAIN is marching through, crooning ‘it’s a long way to Tipperary’. He bumps into an agitated JULIAN.
W/N 09/02, Willbond, B: Can’t we have him singing the monster mash? Now that’d be funny. Catch everyone off guard at least.
W/N 10/02, Rickard, L: second that. It’ll be a graveyard smash.
SCENE 3:
F/2 JULIAN and CAPTAIN.
CAPTAIN (affrighted)
Julian man! You gave me a start!
W/N 10/02 Willbond, B: Captain noises?™
JULIAN
Can’t a man walk? A-ah, anyway, thought I heard some music…
CAPTAIN
Ah, yes, Jolly good. Investigating, are we?
JULIAN
Yeah, so, I’ll be off-
W/S, The pair move to part ways but the CAPTAIN remembers an additional enquiry. He turns back, shouting for JULIAN. OTS CAPTAIN before return to F/2.
CAPTAIN
(He calls after JULIAN) Oh! I say, Julian! You haven’t seen Robin, have you? Cathrine and I were watching a splendid nature program on the wireless and supposed perhaps that he might enjoy it too?
C/U, It’s evident JULIAN ignored the latter as his eyes dart away, seemingly guilty. He clears his throat. F/2.
JULIAN (quietly)
… Robin?
CAPTAIN
Yes, Robin (he throws his hands impatiently before he annunciates) do you know where I might find him?
JULIAN (defensively, with guilt)
(He straightens his tie) What? No! Haven’t seen him all morning! Or night! - Well, not that i’d see him at night anyway! (He laughs nervously)
CAPTAIN (with authority, somewhat concern)
At ease Julian, for heaven sake! I just thought, since you’re, well, rather close, you might know-
OTS CAPTAIN POV.
JULIAN
Close? Who says were close? For christ sake it’s not like we do everything together! We do have our own lives - afterlives - you know?!
OTS JULIAN POV. The CAPTAIN raises an eyebrow to the final line as JULIAN storms off in a huff.
CAPTAIN (to himself)
And you call yourself a politician…
SCENE 4:
W/S, D THRU. The pre-established SCENE 2 has ben joined by KITTY, the CAPTAIN, and ROBIN whom are all gathered around MIKE and ALISON. They are still playing loud music on the speakers. C/U CAPTAIN.
CAPTAIN
(He shakes his head) I say! Whatever happened to Beethoven or Rachmaninov?
C/P to THOMAS. F/2.
THOMAS
Cast aside with the rest of the under-appreciated artists! Oh, I know the feeling all to well!
FG BLR, BG FOCUS. ROBIN rolls his eyes. PAT nudges him harshly with a reprimanding expression which coveys a ‘I know… but don’t.’ Back to W/S.
KITTY
I suppose it is a little loud, we couldn’t hear what the lovely man from the television was saying (she places a hand to her mouth, grasping the CAPTAIN’S sleeve) oh! I do hope that little penguin was ok!
W/N 13/01 Howick, J: Anybody remember that Attenborough one with the seals and the cliff? Harrowing.
OTS ALISON. She notices the ruckus, walking over to THE GHOSTS.
ALISON
Not a fan, Kitty?
F/2, before OTS ALISON.
W/N 20/01 Rickard, L: F2? Where’d Cap go?
KITTY
Fan? Oh, no! I did have one, but Eleanor borrowed it and accidentally dropped it on the fire.
W/S. KITTY smiles with genuine innocence as ALISON winces apologetically. F1.
MIKE
Oh (he looks to the ceiling) is.. Kitty here?
Alison
They all are!
W/S. THE GHOSTS WAVE. F1 MIKE.
MIKE
Oh yeah? What do they think of the new sound system?
CAPTAIN (W/S, To ALISON)
Tell him to turn that racket off!
ALISON (to MIKE)
They think it’s a little loud…
OTS POV ALISON.
MIKE
Oh! That’s just so you can, like, really hear the lyrics! So inspirational, ha! Some say even quite poetic!
MIKE laughs to himself. He pauses the music, END SND CUE. EXT MIKE. C/P as THE GHOSTS instantaneously turn to look at THOMAS. C/U, he gasps dramatically, calling futility to MIKE.
THOMAS (agitated)
(He follows MIKE to the door, W/S) Poetic? Poetic sir?! Those bejewelled scoundrels wouldn’t know poetry if they smoked it in a pipe!
ALISON
Oh, that’s a shame Thomas, I really like it! I think it’s-
D/N 31/01: Think Cat ears pricking up. Have Matt comically turn on his heels with a finger pointed, head tilted.
THOMAS
Actually (F2, he gesticulates) now that you come to mention it… perhaps, yes, I do see the artistry in this so-called ‘Rapping Music’. (He looks off to the distance, arm stretched) the profundity of compelling ballads! Yes! I-I could write something-
L/S as THE GHOSTS exchange eye rolls. They break out into a mutual dissuasion as JULIAN ENT BG - evidently intrigued by the commotion. F1.
JULIAN
(He gestures to THOMAS) God, is he off on one again?
F/2, BEFORE W/S.
KITTY (excitedly)
Thomas is going to become a ‘Rapper’!
JULIAN makes a loud noise of scepticism, scoffs.
JULIAN
What? This bohemian berk wants to rap?!
THOMAS
(OTS JULIAN, THOMAS straightens his posture and inhales, offended) I do indeed sir! With my lyrical talent I shall easily compose-
OTS THOMAS, QUICK CHG.
JULIAN
Easy ay? Go on then-
THOMAS
(F/2, HE Falters) p- pardon?
JULIAN
Well, if it’s so easy, do one now!
THOMAS
N-Now it’s-
JULIAN (obnoxiously)
How about this, ay? (He clears his throat, W/S as THE GHOSTS watch) Roses are red, Cap’s jacket is green - you’re the worst rapper I’ve ever seen!
C/U THOMAS grasps his chest in deeply over-dramatised offence. L/S. ALISON suppresses her chuckle as ROBIN laughs loudly.
THOMAS (offended)
Blasphemy, Sir! By nightfall I shall have composed the most compelling prose thou have ever given ear to! Mark my words!
W/N 06/02 Bayton, M: the angrier he gets the more Shakespearian he sounds. Ha!
THOMAS turns on his heels and storms out. D/O. The group remain silent bar ROBIN who is still laughing. F/2 ROBIN and JULIAN.
ROBIN (to JULIAN)
Ha! Is good one!
JULIAN’S demeanour noticeably shifts.
JULIAN
Alright, thanks, Robin (he makes the gesture*) Don’t milk it, yeah?
*D/N 09/02: the ‘pushing-hands-down-keep-it-on-the-down-low’ gesture.
ROBIN (confused)
Milk? Eh? Was just-
JULIAN
Well, you don’t have to be so dramatic about it! God, you’re always pandering to impress me! It’s so obvious!
W/S. The group watch with just as much perplexity as ROBIN (evidently, this is not so obvious.)
ALISON
Julian, he was just -
JULIAN
Oh, come on! You all see it! It’s like he fancies me or something!
The last enquiry is said with a joking sarcasm, but the sincerity is embarrassingly apparent. The group look at him with raised eyebrows. C/U JULIAN.
JULIAN
What? I was joking?
EXT JULIAN, embarrassed. The group turn their attention to ROBIN, who simply grunts in annoyance. EXT ROBIN in the opposite direction.
CAPTAIN (whisper-y, gossip-y)
I say, what on earth is going on? He was acting out of sorts this morning too!
OTS GHOSTS. They whisper.
ALISON (to THE GHOSTS)
Best to not get involved I recon. Whatever it is will, like, blow over soon enough… back to playing chess and, well, whatever else they do.
GHOSTS (in various iterations, shrugging)
Just, chess really, yeah.
EXT ALISON, followed suit by KITTY.
CAPTAIN
I hope so, for all our sakes. I’m not spending an eternity listening to their petty squabbles.
EXT CAPTAIN. F/2 MARY and PAT.
PAT
(He nudges MARY’S side) Oh! It’s all kicking off now, ay Mary?
MARY
I don’t likes arguments….
PAT
Me neither. I hate picking sides! Its always ‘oh, this person is guilty’ then they're actually innocent!(begin EXT PAT. He shudders, D/O OTS MARY as he calls back to her) The worst one’s the other way ‘round! When you think they've been innocent all this time, then turns out they’re guilty!
C/U. MARY’S smile fades as smoke emits from her person. The camera zooms in on her face as PAT’s words echo ominously in the background.
W/N 12/01 Howick, J: CAN Pat’s words echo ominously?
MARY (to herself, quietly)
Actually…. Guilty…..? (She covers her mouth, gasping)
SCENE 5:
F/2. [SND CUE] Lively orchestral music plays as the camera pans around a spare, dusty room. THOMAS is pacing up and down, agitated. HUMPHREY’S HEAD has been haphazardly placed on a table. C/U, [SND CUE END, F/O.]
THOMAS
I must embody rap, I, Thomas Thorne, am rap!
HUMPHREY
I thought you were a poet?
THOMAS (critically)
Oh, Humphrey - you’re so naif! (He wafts dismissively) All artists know that the best poets are rappers!
HUMPHREY (sceptically)
(C/U) Never heard you mention it before…
C/U. THOMAS pretends not to hear him as he clicks his fingers. He attempts a rather pathetic verse.
Thomas (lightly crooning)
Alison… my love… thou art? Nay - you are so fine… something…something else… until you are mine….?
OTS THOMAS. HUMPHREY rolls his eyes. THOMAS sighs in defeat. F/2.
THOMAS (whining)
Alas! It’s Julian, damn it! He’s thrown me off my lyrical rhythm!
HUMPHREY
Ahhh, Julian. So that’s what this is about! Go on then, what did he say to get you in a tizz?
OTS (well, OTH) HUMPHREY.
THOMAS
What? Nay! This is purely to show Alison the extent of my talent! (he turns away in a cartoonish ‘aside’, C/U, D/I) Proving that cad wrong shall be but a bonus….
C/U. HUMPHREY smirks - the ‘aside’ proves to be rather loud.
HUMPHREY
So this is about-
THOMAS (irritated):
Yes! Maybe! Ok but - hush, Sir! I must (dramatic stance) compose!
HUMPHREY
You came in here!
P/O. The pair bicker as ROBIN phases through the wall. OTS ROBIN.
THOMAS (callously)
Oh, it’s you…
OTS THOMAS. ROBIN scoffs.
ROBIN
Damn. No one want me around today…
W/S. He turns to leave, but HUMPHREY calls after him.
HUMPHREY
Pay no notice, Robin. This one’s just in a sulk over what Julian said earlier.
C/U.
ROBIN (muttering)
Make two of us.
THOMAS
(OTS ROBIN) Yes Robin, pray tell, he’s somehow more intolerable than usual?
W/S. ROBIN shrugs.
ROBIN
Dunno. He been really agit-agit-
HUMPHREY
Agitated?
ROBIN
Yeah. That. Dunno why, think maybe me did something?
THOMAS
Well whatever it is, can you un-do something? apologise? (C/U) His mood is wrecking havoc on my concentration!
HUMPHREY (amused)
I don’t think it’s-
ROBIN
(OTS THOMAS. ROBIN interrupts him, turning to leave) yeah, me go talk to him.
SCENE 6:
C/P around a dark, gothic variant of the library. Books are open on various pages on the table with pentagrams and illegible incantations. MARY is eying various shelves, seemingly searching for something. F/1. ENT PAT. He strolls through the doorway.
PAT (cheerily)
Oh, Hello, Mary!
OTS PAT. MARY jumps, evidently frightened by his sudden appearance.
MARY
Oh, Patrick - you scares me!
PAT (apologetically)
Gosh, Sorry Mary! (he glances around, shuddering, F/1) Goodness, it’s creepy in ‘eyre, ay? Wouldn’t want to stick around after dark!
L/S. MARY nods, seemingly disinterested as she continues to search, muttering.
PAT
(He leans over MARY’S shoulder) … What are we looking for?
OTS PAT. MARY turns to PAT with a look of distress.
MARY
I… been thinking about what you says earlier ‘bout the innocents being guiltys and… when I think ‘bout it …. What if I been a witch all along?
PAT (light-heartedly)
(He chuckles) A witch, ay?
F/2 PAT laughs again, but his demeanour changes when MARY nods gravely.
MARY
A wicked witch I be.
PAT
Oh, No! I don’t think you are, Mary! I mean, you don’t have a pointy hat.. or a broomstick! I mean, you’re not green or… or… you don’t even like cats!
MARY
They do give my the sneezing, aye. But what if I be a witch that looks like everybody else? Likes, one that hasn’t done any witchy things yet? (C/P as MARY gesticulates to the bookshelf)
That’s why I looks for spells; if I does one and nothin’ happens - then I be not a witch!
F/2. PAT gives a supportive smile - comparable to a parent conveying a ‘this plan is ludicrous… but you won’t shut up until it’s completed so I’ll go along with it.”
W/N 13/02 Farnaby, S: I know the face.
PAT
I suppose that er… makes sense… oh, look here! (OTS MARY. He beckons MARY over to a dated piece of parchment) Try this one! I mean, if nothing happens - which it won’t - we can put this whole silly witch business behind us!
MARY nods. POV TABLE as PAT and MARY lean in. They both gulp. [MARY chants some (latin?) as PAT watches with a mix of fascination, awe, and fear.]
MARY
(She gesticulates whimsically) I summons thee!!
W/S. The last phrase is said with gusto as she launches her hands into the air. There is a pause as, naturally, nothing happens.
PAT
Well, I suppose that - (He is cut off as ROBIN phases through the wall. The pair shriek) Robin! (He clutches his chest) You cheeky blighter! We thought you were -
MARY interrupts him.
MARY (frankly)
A demon.
ROBIN
Demon? No…? (He shakes his head) er… seen Julian?
F/2. The pair shake their heads as ROBIN turns to leave. EXT ROBIN. They both sigh in immense relief.
PAT
Goodness, Mary! For a second there I thought you actually summoned a -
A harsh, reverberating wail-type noise interrupts him. It’s eerie and it echoes. C/P to their faces C/U. A white glow creeps into frame. Their eyes widen, the faint sound of chains are heard.
MARY
Oh…. Turnips….
SCENE 7:
F/1. Time is set to moments before. We see JULIAN straining over a laptop in the study. C/Z, revealing the search history - ‘what to do if a mate unexpectedly sleeps with you (not like that)’ ‘is cuddling a guy normal?’ and a rather sketchy looking ‘am I gay’ buzzfeed quiz.
JULIAN (reading to himself)
‘Have I ever fantasised about’…. Eugh (he winces)…. sorry Mike, good luck explaining your search history to Alison…. (F/1. JULIAN, with effort, clicks the next slide) What the hell is a...M…P…S? Christ! It’s a jungle of slang and…’bi?’ What’s that when it’s at home? You get off on bikes? I suppose you, like, sit on them but… don’t think I’ve stooped that low….
C/U. JULIAN leans back in the chair, evidently frustrated. He looks around the room.
JULIAN
Only one way to find out, I suppose….
D/I. JULIAN open a google document before typing a ‘p…o…r…’. The rest is implication as LADY BUTTON marches in, OTS LADY B. JULIAN swiftly moves to stand in front of the device, looking humorously suspicious.
D/N 15/01: maybe just type ‘p’… don’t wait to lose our air slot.
LADY B (skeptically)
Julian? What - what were you doing?
JULIAN (flustered)
Doing? I-I wasn’t doing anything! Nothing at all! why, what were you doing?
F/1. LADY BUTTON rolls her eyes as evidence she will pry no further. W/S.
LADY B
I came up here for some peace and quiet! That awful ‘popular music’ has put an end to all serenity! Well, on the rare occasion that one could call this house ‘serene’.
JULIAN
Oh, well, it’s getting late now! I’m sure he’ll turn it down soon and-
OTS JULIAN. He sighs as LADY BUTTON EXT. F/1. JULIAN moves to return to the laptop, but freezes when he hears a voice.
LB (OS)
Good evening, Robin.
OTS JULIAN. ROBIN phases through the study wall.
ROBIN (tentatively)
Hey…
OTS ROBIN.
JULIAN
(He sighs, exasperated) God! I just saw you five minutes ago! You’re not obligated to follow me around, you know? What’s your fascination with me all of a sudden?
F/2.
ROBIN
Was just checking if ok…
JULIAN (agitated)
Im fine, Robin! Fine! Stop asking! I can look after myself - I don’t need you constantly check up on me it’s… I’m… I’m not your ‘fwb’, or something! And I’m not bike-sexual!
ROBIN
Bike- what? Where this come from?
JULIAN
Just stop following me… Why are you being so weird?!
ROBIN (muttering)
You one who being weird.
W/S. ROBIN exits angrily as a faint query is heard from LADY BUTTON. C/U. JULIAN puts his face in his hands, groaning.
SCENE 8:
L/S, Still in a time re-wind for different POV (pre scene 6) W/S, INT kitchen, where ALISON, the CAPTAIN and KITTY are gathered around the table, incoherently muttering. LADY BUTTON enters.
LB
Alison! Something most peculiar happened just now in the office-
ALISON
Julian and Robin, by any chance?
LB
As a matter of fact it - how did you know?
AlLISON
They’ve been at it all day! Something’s up, for sure.
KITTY
(She places her hands to her mouth, worried) Oh! You don’t suppose they've had a quarrel, do you?
CAPTAIN
It’s possible, Kathrine. I saw Julian this morning too; the man looked as though he’d seen a ghost - oh, if you’ll pardon the expression.
F/2. KITTY laughs. W/S.
AlLISON
Wait, this morning? …What time?
Captain (confused)
Practically first thing… why?
F/1. ALISON places a hand over her mouth.
ALISON
You don’t suppose something happened… last night… do you?
W/S, OTS ALISON.
LB
… Go on.
ALISON
(F/1) Well, you know, they might’ve… you know…
She gesticulates suggestively with her eyes. The inevitable ‘good lord’ is heard by the CAPTAIN as LADY BUTTON voices her disapproval.
CAPTAIN (flustered)
What? You mean? No! Surely not… it’s… they wouldn’t….
KITTY
wouldn’t what? What did they do?
ALISON (to nobody in particular)
I had been wondering, you know.
LB (disgusted)
It was bound to happen. Only a matter of time before something like this would occur. Iv’e always said it. Eugh! I can only imagine what sinful-
W/S The group are interrupted as a loud shriek is heard from upstairs. The C/Z on their faces.
CAPTAIN
What the bally hell was that?!
KITTY (frightened)
It sounded like Mary!
LB
And Patrick!
The group EXT kitchen, running. (We are now caught up to the present.)
SCENE 9:
D/T, W/S. The entire CAST, bar MIKE, have gathered in the common room. MARY and PAT have evidently explained the situation. The ghosts expressions range from terrified to disbelief.
ALISON (perturbed)
A-and you say y-you summoned it from a script? In our library? How? I mean, with all the, like, ghost rules and stuff? I thought all this horror movie stuff wasn’t-
PAT
No word of a lie! We saw it with our own eyes!
F/1. The CAPTAIN shifts in his seat, evidently uncomfortable.
CAPTAIN
So w-where is the… poltergeist… now?
OS, JULAIN scoffs. S/P to F1 JULIAN.
JULIAN
Poltergeist, ay? Don’t believe it. It’s all a bunch of supernatural nonsense! Just a seasonal jape… although, really, a half-hearted attempt, if that.
W/S.
MARY
It be the truth! It lurks in these very walls!
JULAIN
I rest my case. nonsense.
THOMAS
Nonsense?! Least you forget sir we, ourselves, are spectres! How could one ignore the possibility of another?
JULIAN rolls his eyes.
KITTY
H-how do we get rid of it?
CAPTAIN
Can we even do so? I mean, do we just have to wait for it - them - to move on like the rest of us? What are the mechanics?
ALISON
I would assume the same? O-or different?
PAT
(He laughs nervously) It’s a bit of a grey area, I suppose.
JULIAN (mockingly)
well, Mary’s our resident spook - what say you?
OTS MARY as THE GHOSTS simultaneously look to her. C/U, she gulps.
MARY
I… I….
W/S.
PAT
There has to be a reverse chant… or… or something to get rid of the flamin’ thing!
LB
And you’re absolutely positive this creature exists?
CAPTAIN
Creature? No, no.
PAT
He’s right… doesn’t sound very ethical… let’s call it-
KITTY
Scary ghost! Oh, or ‘the frightening phantom’?
JULIAN
Ethics? Who cares about ethics with bloody Mary on the lose!?
MARY
I takes offence to that.
KITTY
Yes. I Still like scary ghost best.
HUMPHREY (from a shelf)
My vote’s still for poltergeist. Makes things simpler, is all.
THE GHOSTS bicker amongst themselves. F1 on LADY BUTTON.
LB
Oh, hush! Calm yourselves! Whatever ‘it’ is we needn’t worry. What harm can befall us? We’re already dead!
ALISON
Not all of us!
The group break out into an overlapping spat. P/O. It is silenced by INT MIKE. He is fast-walking, followed suit by the POLTERGEIST. It is a young girl with a blank, expressionless face. Unlike the other ghosts, she levitates about two foot off the ground & emits an eerie. white glow. The group gawk in disbelief - any doubt now thoroughly ruled out. W/S, before F1 on MIKE.
MIKE (ecstatically)
Look! Alison, look! I found one of you mates! I- I cant believe I can see them! Did you do something? Did you follow that YouTube tutorial I sent you? This is fantastic! Oh, which one is this? Is this Kitty? I thought you said she was talkative - this one doesn’t seem to-
W/N 20/02 Rickard, L: bless.
C/U. ALISON stands up slowly. Her face is white with terror.
ALISON
M-Mike….
MIKE (unnerved)
….What? Not to be that guy but (he laughs) you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
ALISON (quietly)
That’s…. Mike. That’s not one of ours….
MIKE
What, like a new one? (He gasps, then whispers loudly) did someone die?!
ALISON
No! Like a ‘Mary summoned an actual evil demon’!
MIKE turns to face THE POLTERGEIST. C/U. He turns back, laughing nervously.
MIKE (fearful, frozen)
…..Oh right.
ALISON (whispering)
M-Move away… slowly….
BG F. THE POLTERGEIST flashes a momentary, rather terrifying, smile. W/S. MIKE buckles, shrieking and running away with as the rest of the group follow suit like gazelles. There is screaming and chaotic moment in every direction. It is unclear who went where.
W/N 14/01 Willbond, B: [In Cap’s voice] scatter!!
HUMPHREY
(C/U, a white glow encroaches on his face) Oh f-
SCENE 10:
INT KITCHEN. W/S, C/P. [SND CUE] dramatic, war-style music. KITTY is hunched in a chair whilst PAT stands - perhaps biting his nails? The CAPTAIN is marching strategically around the table as if giving a de-brief to fellow comrades. END SND CUE.
D/N 15/01: both hands for nail biting, really comical and exaggerated.
L/A. The CAPTAIN uses his swagger stick to gesticulate around a make-believe map.
CAPTAIN (with authority)
Right men ….Kathrine… we’re here (he gestures) Jerry is situated approximately… here…
PAT
As long as it stays there, we’ll be alright!
KITTY
Are you sure Pat? Are we safe?
PAT
Well… I… I’m sure one of the others will find a solution… perhaps a reverse spell, or just negotiate with-
O/S, The CAPTAIN scoffs. F1.
CAPTAIN
Patrick! Are you seriously suggesting we stand idly by whilst the frontline are risking their lives?!
W/S.
PAT
Well, not lives Cap… we’re dead… it’s more of a, er, supernatural stalemate, if you will; a ‘who can hide the longest’ competition.
KITTY
I don’t think I like this game…
PAT
It’s not really a- (PAT notices KITTY’S discomfort and decides to play along) Oh, don’t fret Kitty, we’ll win easy! - It’s all a matter of stamina!
F1. The CAPTAIN slams his hands on the table dramatically, causing PAT and KITTY to jump.
CAPTAIN (agitated)
Stamina?! Patrick that would entail a war of attrition! It- it can’t be… neither side has made a move!
W/S
PAT
And I’d like to keep it that way, mate! There’ll be no agitation if we just keep out of her hair!
D/N 15/01: palms down sort-of de-escalation gesture.
CAPTAIN
We didn’t win the war without stirring the pot, old boy! No! I won’t stand by and let this… fiend… overrun our house! Over the top, I say!
C/P. The CAPTAIN marches out dramatically with his stick outstretched to mimic a gun. F2.
KITTY
Oh, How brave! Should we go after him Pat?
PAT
Best stay put; our Cap knows what he’s doing (C/U. To himself, quietly) I hope….
SCENE 11:
INT COOPER’S BEDROOM. It’s dark (bar the light of MIKE’S phone) which the couple are huddled around. MIKE is profusely scrolling the internet, whilst ALISON is muttering, shaking her head.
MIKE (whispering harshly)
Exorcist… Priest… Ah! Who do you call for something like this?!
ALISON (agitated)
I dunno! Just… someone! Anyone-! (OTS ALISON, she points to something) Oh, how about…?
F2.
MIKE
Nine hundred pounds?! This is one pricey- no way!
ALISON
You want rid of it or not?!
MIKE
But… What if it’s friendly?
ALISON
What? Mike, what are you talking about?
MIKE places his phone down, the light still illuminating their faces. L/A F2.
MIKE
Well, what if we don’t need to get rid of it? Why don’t we just… talk to her… find out it’s intentions?
ALISON (mockingly)
Intentions?
MIKE
Yeah, you know! All the other ghosts are friendly; I just think we should see if this one is too before -
ALISON
- Before we spend nine hundred quid to save our lives?
MIKE
No! Just - well, yes - but I don’t think it’s such a ridiculous idea!
ALISON
Off you go then!
MIKE
W-what.. me? Why me?!
Sudden C/P to THOMAS. He is holding HUMPHREY’S HEAD. They are very close to ALISON. She jumps as THOMAS pipes up.
THOMAS (enthusiastically)
Yes! Excellent Idea my lo- Alison… let him go! I’ll stay here and protect you!
W/S. MIKE has picked up on ALISON’S discomfort, suddenly fearful.
MIKE
Alison? Alison, what is it?! Is she in here?!
Alison (breathless)
No! It’s Thomas! He frightened me!
THOMAS
Apologies my love, I was simply overcome with bravado!
HUMPHREY scoffs.
HUMPHREY (mocking)
Bravado? You were screaming earlier! Came back to get me with your eyes screwed shut!
THOMAS (Said through gritted teeth)
Nay nay sir you're mistaken…
THOMAS grins in ALISON’S direction. MIKE leaves the bed, unaware of the conversation.
MIKE
I’m off to find a torch… at least then we’d be able to see the damn thing!
ALISON
What? Mike, wait! Will you be ok? Let’s talk about t-
THOMAS
Nay, My love, let him go - he’ll be fine!
ALISON turns to stop him but MIKE has already left the room. L/S.
ALISON (guiltily)
I should go after him…
THOMAS
Fair lady, I beg you do not…er… after all, what good is it you both stumbling around in the dark!
HUMPHREY
Hate to say this but… he has got a point….
THOMAS (flustered)
What? No! It’s these breeches… they’re always like this when I sit down!
W/S. ALISON shuffles away whilst THOMAS futility adjusts his trousers. HUMPHREY clears his throat.
HUMPHREY (with concern)
I Hope the others are ok…
ALISON
Knowing the Captain he’s thought of something but - oh! Kitty! I hope she’s not too frightened, and M-
THOMAS (dramatically)
Alas, such troubled times must bring forth the question: Is this the end for Thomas Thorne?
ALISON scoffs.
ALISON
Thomas, you’ve had your end! Two hundred years ago!
THOMAS shushes her.
THOMAS
Nay, hush, my love! You flatter me! I mustn’t perish without expressing the profundity of my affection!
ALISON
Really, Thomas - this isn’t the time! This is serious-
THOMAS
Even in the face of danger, your humbleness does not falter, o’ kind eyes… how can one…. Despise? Er…
THOMAS launches into yet another poem as ALISON huffs.
ALISON (to HUMPHREY)
There’s a poltergeist on the loose and I’m stuck with Edgar Allen Poe…
HUMPHREY
You should’ve heard the rapping earlier…
THOMAS continues as they talk.
THOMAS
And in the inky darkness, shines the brightness of your-
ALISON
Hey.. that’s a point… what DID happen to the lights?
SCENE 12:
C/P JULIAN marching through an upstairs corridor. Like the rest of the house, the lights are dim and faulty. He looks rather unnerved. L/S.
JULIAN (to himself)
What happened to the lights? God! You’d think this was-
W/S. JULIAN jumps comically high as ROBIN phases through a wall. ROBIN responds to JULIAN’S remark. He glances at the flickering lights.
ROBIN (casually)
(He shrugs) Wasn’t me.
F2. JULIAN groans, irritated.
JULIAN
Of course! It had to be you!
ROBIN (confused)
Huh? Just said it wasn’t…? Me think it new ghost lady that been messin’.
JULIAN
No! I mean you, here, now! I should’ve guessed you’d follow me again!
ROBIN folds his arms. OTS JULIAN.
ROBIN
Julian. Is not time for this, alright?
OTS ROBIN.
JULIAN (ignoring him)
- Obviously it was too much to ask for you to just leave me alone for-
F2.
ROBIN (angrily)
Julian! Why you be like this? Don’t get it!
W/N 18/02 Rickard, L: Cue the rain, Spanish music.
JULIAN
No, I, don’t get it! What’s your obsession with me all of a sudden?!
ROBIN
Julian you being ri-dic-u-lous! There bigger problem right now!
JULIAN
Oh, I’m being ridiculous, am I? (He laughs dryly) In that case why are you still following me?! Just, get lost, Ape! I’ll figure this out myself.
L/S. JULIAN petulantly turns to leave, but falters at the noise of [SND CUE] rattling chains and an eerie wailing sound. ROBIN raises an eyebrow.
ROBIN
Still want me go?
JUIAN (muttering)
(He holds himself) I don’t need you to protect me, Robin. I can (F2. [SND CUE] The noise repeats significantly louder) I-I can look after myself…
C/U. ROBIN growls, grabbing JULIAN’S tie with frustration.
ROBIN
Can’t! Remember woods? Held you just like this… wasn’t even anything bad then… just scared.
JULIAN
Yes! Exactly! I was scared, not thinking straight! Now I’m fine so- (he futilely struggles) Let me go!
F2, C/U. ROBIN pulls JULIAN closer to him by the tie.
ROBIN (slowly and explanatory)
We not doing this now. You not doing the ‘modern man me fine on own and hate feelings’ thing, ok? Doesn’t work. Come with me… don’t have to like it but surviving ain’t always about that, eh? Is about being sensible… and right now you being Dodo. Know what happen to them? They die ‘cus so stupid!
JULIAN
HEY-! ([SND CUE] the noise sounds again, louder and longer) I-if I agree will you let go?
ROBIN
Cant do that. Not until you safe.
ROBIN glances around with an uncharacteristically serious expression. He pulls JULIAN through a wall by his tie. D/O.
W/N 09/01 Farnaby, S: I’m going to have a terrible back by the end of this, aren’t I?
SCENE 13:
INT LIBRARY. MARY is pacing around the room, frantically eyeing various spells.
MARY (Muttering to herself)
Oh, what a mess you be making, girl! Demons… no! Where be the reverse spell?
L/S. She continues to search, eyes darting over the previous incantation.
MARY (Reading)
‘If ye wishes to ba… ba…? banish! Banish the poltergeist, simply say’- (MARY exhales, rolling her eyes) Ah…that be easy.
SCENE 14:
C/P around JULIAN’S room. F1. JULIAN is sat huddled on the bed. D/O. ROBIN is stood at the door, peering through.
JULIAN (whispering)
Er.. is she… (he clears his throat) …still there?
ROBIN
No. Think she gone downstairs.
F2. ROBIN moves to sit with him on the bed but JULIAN scoots away, folding his arms.
JULIAN
Christ, do you have to sit so close?
ROBIN growls as he turns to face JULIAN.
ROBIN (angrily)
Ok, me had enough! What your problem?!
JULIAN
No problem, I haven’t got a problem? What’s your problem more like!
ROBIN
You be mean to me all day? Why?!
JULIAN
Don’t give me that Ape; you know why! (OTS JULIAN as ROBIN looks at him blankly. F2) Last night ring any bells?!
ROBIN
No? What I do?
Julian:
Y- are you joking?
ROBIN
What?!
JULIAN (agitated)
God, do I have spell it out for you?! You slept with me!
OTS JULIAN. ROBIN’s eyes widen.
ROBIN
We no do that…
JULIAN pauses. OTS ROBIN.
JULIAN
N-no! Not like- I mean how you got into my bed and-
F2.
ROBIN
Is that what this about?! Me in same bed?!
JULIAN
What? Pf, no! Of course not!
ROBIN
Then what?
JULIAN
It’s nothing- forget it-
ROBIN
Julian-!
JULIAN (agitated)
I think I liked it, alright?!
ROBIN jumps at this outburst as JULIAN throws his head in his hands, embarrassed. Robin dithers, hovering a hand over JULIAN’S back for support but decides against it. He instead looks to the left. L/S.
ROBIN
Liked… what?
JULIAN (quietly, voice muffled by hands)
T-this morning, I think I liked the er- you know…
ROBIN stops in contemplation before throwing his hands up in exasperation.
ROBIN
CUDDLE?! All this about cuddle?!
JULIAN
Robin, please, it’s taken me all bloody day to admit that, let me just- (F2. JULIAN sighs, tentatively glancing at ROBIN whom looks at him, his expression softens) I-I liked…your arm around me… it felt, sort of, nice? Safe? I dunno, it’s just-
ROBIN (softly)
… Keep going
W/N 20/02 Farnaby, S: ladies and gents… Fawcett and feelings.
JULIAN
Well, I liked that i-it was.. your.. arm? … I… I think it’s just… you?
ROBIN
… me?
JULIAN
Yeah; I think I like being near you-?
ROBIN
(He gently scoffs) So you avoid me all day?
JULAIN
Ok, alright, it’s just- I don’t know how to deal with these things, it’s all complicated feelings and-
ROBIN
Doesn’t have to be complicated…
JULIAN
Yeah, well, tell that to my times, Ape.
JULIAN exhales loudly, C/U. He flinches as ROBIN grabs his hand. F2 as ROBIN continues.
ROBIN
Need stop running away from what you want… is silly… if you want cuddle, cuddle! We friends, no?
JULIAN
Friends… yeah…
ROBIN
… What matter?
JULAIN
It’s…difficult, Robin…
ROBIN
Me know. But, start with this: you like me?
JULAIN
W-well I-
ROBIN
You. Like. Me?
JULIAN glances down at their hands, then back at Robin.
JULIAN
I love you…
ROBIN’S eyes widen. OTS JULIAN.
ROBIN
You… ?
JULIAN
Don’t make me say it again- !
ROBIN
What (he chuckles before continuing, seriously) like, actually? you actually in love with me?
JULIAN (loud confession)
Of course I am, you idiot! I love your beautiful inquisition! You’re the only one I can, like properly talk to a-and that stupid twinkl-y glint in your eyes whenever you’re listening to someone; o-or those little noises you make whenever you’re concentrating; that stupid, smug little smile of yours whenever you win chess and that you didn’t leave me when I died, Robin. You stayed. You stayed and now you feel like home and every time I look at you I remember how damn better you made everything and… I can’t keep pretending like I’d be ok without you. (he exhales as if the whole world has just been released from his shoulders) I love you, Robin.
ROBIN (quietly)
…. love you too.
JULIAN (taken aback)
y-you what? Really-?
They lean in, locking eyes with meaningful intensity. C/U.
ROBIN (smirking)
Don’t make me say it again.
OTS ROBIN. JULIAN looks away, as if contemplating something. F2.
JULAIN
I-In the spirit of, yano, potentially getting murdered by a poltergeist - fancy, er-?
ROBIN
Julian… no have do that anymore. don't need excuse... although is pretty good one.. Just say what want.
JULIAN
Suppose I can now, can’t I?
D/I to C/U. They attempt a kiss, but it’s awkward and uncoordinated, the pair re-adjust and pull away, murmuring variations of ‘oh-you-’ ‘let me just-‘ ‘ok, go that way-‘. ROBIN tires of this, grabbing JULIAN’S face and kissing him. JULIAN yelps, flailing in shock before gasping as ROBIN pulls away.
JULIAN (breathless)
C-christ! Haven’t been kissed like that since that Christmas party in 86’… can see why you were so popular.
ROBIN snickers, about to respond. He is interrupted by a shout.
CAPTAIN (from downstairs)
I say! Come quick! I got her! She’s… she’s gone!
ROBIN (to JULIAN)
Who gone? Ghost Girl?
JULIAN
From the tone go voice I’d say… yes?
L/S. The pair shrug, leaving the bed and exiting the room.
SCENE 15:
It’s a time skip to moments before.. perhaps parallel to the events of scene 14?* [SND CUE] Tense, war-time drum music faintly plays as we see the CAPTAIN in the corridor, leaning against walls as he goes James-Bond style. He makes a pistol shape with his hand.
* D/N 13/03: what do we mean by ‘perhaps’?
CAPTAIN (muttering)
Over the top we go…
F1. He leaps into the empty common room.
CAPTAIN (shouting)
I say! Come out! We’ve… I’ve… got you surrounded!
He glances around the large room. L/S. [END SND CUE].
Captain (muttering)
Well… so long as you come from there (he gestures to the nearest door.)
LB (OS, weakly)
Oh, Captain! There you are!
F2.
CAPTAIN
Ah, Fanny! You gave me a start!
LB
I say- Captain I feel -
CAPTAIN
Fanny? What on earth is the matter?
L/S. LADY BUTTON’s eyes roll back as the POLTERGEIST separates from her pre-possessed body, hovering and coming slowly towards them both. LADY BUTTON shrieks as the CAPTAIN turns to face it.
W/N 07/01 Howe-Douglas, M: I can’t roll my eyes like that… can we get make-up to give me some contacts? Or is there such a thing as an eye stunt-double?
CAPTAIN
I say! I-I won’t stand for this! Nobody goes inside Fanny and gets away with it!
The POLTERGEIST remains still.
LB (cautiously)
Captain….
CAPTAIN
No! I’ve had just about enough of this! This is my final warning, young lady! Leave this house immediately I say! (There is no reply) I really didn’t want it to come to this… (The CAPTAIN holds up his swagger stick to mimic a gun) BANG!
L/S. Instantaneously, the POLTERGEIST disappears in a cloud of thin, white smoke. The CAPTAIN looks to his stick in awe, comparable to that scene in good omens when Shadwell thinks his finger-gun killed Aziraphale. LADY BUTTON has a look of extreme bewilderment.
LB
Well I never…
CAPTAIN (excitedly)
I say! Come quick! I got her! She’s… she’s gone!
This line brings us up to the present.
SCENE 16:
W/S, INT COMMON ROOM. THE CAST has re-united bar ROBIN and JULIAN. The group are talking amongst themselves, muttering over each-other.
ALISON
And you say she just…disappeared…when you…?
CAPTAIN
I’m telling you! I shot her!
THOMAS
But you don’t actually have a-
C/P F1 MIKE. He is looking around nervously, unaware of the conversation.
MIKE (unnerved, to ALISON)
You’re sure it’s gone?
ALISON (skeptically)
Yeah… apparently the Captain… shot her?
MIKE
He’s had a gun this whole time?!
ALISON
Well, I mean… no… but-
MIKE
Then how did he (beat, he shakes his head) you know what? I'd be pretty stupid to question things at this point (he looks up to the ceiling, smiling) Thank you… soldier.
F2. MIKE wraps an arm around ALISON. MIKE does not see the captain, BG, salute. L/S.
MARY (loudly)
What? No! Twas’ me that saved us!
The group turn their attention to MARY, C/P to F1 before return QWK/CHG to W/S.
CAPTAIN
(He shakes his head) You’re mistaken, Mary.
MARY
I don’t thinks I am… I says the reverse spell! The one in the library!
CAPTAIN
(slightly embarrassed)
Ah…I see… You’re sure I didn’t- (The group turn to him with raised eyebrows, he clears his throat quietly) Never mind….
PAT
Well! Thank God for-
THOMAS
Ah, spells, chants, that reminds me! Im yet to perform my-
JULIAN
Christ, give us time to breathe, Thorne!
C/P to ROBIN and JULIAN who have joined the scene. L/S.
KITTY
Oh, there you are! I was getting worried!
HHUMPHREY
Where've you two been then?
THOMAS
Together, I’m assuming?
JULIAN (defensively)
What? No! Actually I- (JULIAN pauses, as if remembering the conversation. Subtly, he reaches for ROBIN’s hand. ROBIN looks at this, then back to his face, smiling gently as if this action means the world to him) Of course we were. Problem?
THOMAS
What, No! Of corse not! Actually Julian, I wanted to apologise.
JULIAN (hesitant)
Oh… really?
THOMAS
Yes, you were right… I am a terrible poet!
JULIAN (amused)
Is this a wind up?
THOMAS
Nay, nay, really! I am terrible!
JULIAN
Well, I mean-
CAPTAIN
I say, Julian, how clever you were to notice! Such intellect!
JULIAN makes a vague, flattered noise.
LB
It’s no wonder he tells such wonderful stories!
PAT
Oh yes, especially all those fascinating anecdotes! What an interesting life you had! Oh - tell us one now!
KITTY
Oh yes, please! Then after we can watch nine and a half weeks!
JULIAN
Really?
The group break into a fit of various pleas. JULIAN turns to ALISON, grinning.
JULIAN
looks like I'm pretty popular! Today wasn’t half bad after all!
ALISON
Yeah, too bad it’s all a dream.
The room flickers as JULIAN furrows his brows in confusion.
JULIAN
I… what?
ALISON
This. It’s all a dream. Time to wake up, I recon.
F2B.
SCENE 17:
INT JULIAN’S room. The gothic decor replaced for the normal layout and everything is ordinary. JULIAN is sleeping, ALISON’S last line faintly echoes before he suddenly wakes up with a gasp, panting. f1.
JULIAN
W-what? No?! Surely not… christ, that was vivid!
ROBIN, unexpectedly, sits up behind him - wrapping an arm around him to mirror the first scene. F2.
ROBIN (softly)
Bad dream, ay?
We expect Julian to shriek, but instead he smiles; closing his eyes once more.
Julian (murmuring)
Mh… you could say that…
[END CREDITS ROLL].