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Saul can pinpoint the exact moment his body starts the process of his transformation. He realizes it in the loss of his bond with Farah, the punch-like feeling of seeing Andreas alive, the mind-numbing guilt that crawls up his throat and threatens to drown him. His Dorinoan nature demands he succumbs, that he lets the change take place.
Yet, he holds on.
Straining with all his might against his biology, he holds onto his human form.
Through Sky's anger and Ben's betrayal, through Rosalind's machinations and Sebastian's lies (and isn't that another nail in his coffin. How many of his friends have betrayed him now? Is it something in him? Has he been such a terrible person?), through arrow wounds and Rosalind's torture when she held him in the East Wing he holds on.
He keeps it together and does what he does best. He fights.
He fights Rosalind, both on her ground and outside of it, he fights Andreas - again. He fights Sky when he goes to kill his own father to save him. He. Will. Not. Let this happen. He is not going to let Sky lose his father again.
He barely feels Andreas' blade nicks him below the opening in his armor, reacting more than acting. Muscle memory taking him into the fight and before he can process he is on his knees, Andreas' side wide open to him because of fucking course the great lumox still hasn't learn to protect himself better! And sixteen years of grief and pain and regret unleash themselves into his mind and…. Saul… freezes.
Not again. Please, please, not again.
Saul can feel the telltale scratch of down feathers running along his shoulder blades.
Not again, please not again.
It broke him. Sixteen years still has not been enough for him to recover. He can't do this again. A weak, near undecipherable whine builds up in his throat, his hands tremble.
Andreas' blade descends on him and Saul sees the moment he realizes something is wrong.
"DAD!!!"
Neither men can say who Sky is shouting for but in that miraculous second something changes. The red leaves Andreas' eyes and he suddenly stops himself.
For half a second it feels like time is suspended, each one of them holding their breath, waiting to see what the other is going to do.
Then all hell breaks loose. Saul collapses, wracked by the pain of a transformation he is fighting against with all he has and Andreas screams, hands clutching his head, blood pouring out of his nose and ears.
Sauls chokes a low, guttural cry as he tries to regain control of his body, and Andreas is screaming and cursing and howling, and Sky is begging him, begging them, high-pitched and terrified and so so young and it's all Saul can do to clutch at his voice like a lifeline.
It's his child, the baby he raised and vowed to protect, he still has a duty to him.
Suddenly Andrea lashes out and Saul barely pushes Sky out of the way in time. He does not have the time to understand what happens to him, one moment he is wrestling with both Eraklyan and the next his back and head makes contact with a wall. His nerves alight like a Christmas show, creating fireworks behind his eyelids, rendering him unable to understand who and what he is still fighting. He thinks he screams… maybe. But he can't be sure. Then, the darkness consumes him.
X
When he comes to, Andreas is looking at him with a bone deep fear that is too profound for it to be caused only by their last fight. No, Saul knows the kind of guilt he can make out in his old friend's face too well, he has lived with it for decades now.
Sky is crying, his hands hovering over him without touching him, calling him Saul in that way of his that means Dad .
Oh. How Saul wants for nothing more than to let them care! He wants it to the point of aching. But when has that ever mattered?
There are too many problems to solve, too many threats to face for them to stop now. So Saul keeps his mouth shut, buries his secret within the recesses of his mind, and pushes himself off the ground. Sky's and Andreas' hands on his back are both a relief and a torture as they help him staggers out of the undercroft.
He can't tell them what's happening to him, there are too many fires for them to put out without him adding his blasted biology into the mix. Besides, he fought this off once, he can do it again.
He must do it again.
And they are running themselves into the ground again. Fighting Sebastian, fighting Rosalind, trying to protect the students. For the first time Saul sees Andreas' eyes glim with pride at the sight of his son, watching him like a mama bear as Sky takes charge of one of their battalion. Then Andreas turns to him.
Sauls holds his breath.
Andreas raises a hand to his cheek, hesitating for a second before touching him. Saul feels the tips of his fingers ghost over his skin with a tenderness he had long thought lost to him.
"I wish I could tell you nothing about Aster Dell was me." Andreas starts, voice rough. "But I would be lying. I did believe this was the right thing to do at the time. And I am so so sorry about that."
Is Saul imagining the cracks in his old friend's voice?
"I am so bloody sorry that I was willing to hurt you so easily, to throw all that we'd live and all that we'd been to the trash for a woman who proved herself willing to control me against my will even after I'd shown my loyalty so thoroughly." A huff, then a breath, before he continues. "I know that me saying sorry can't mean much to you right now, but if you give me the time, I'll prove it to you. I promise Saul."
He lowers his hands, throws Saul one last look then goes back to help set up camp for the night.
Saul wants to weep.
If only time was something he could give him. After all his losses, all the betrayals, after the anger and the spite, he's finally gotten Andreas back. And he is asking him the one thing Saul is slowly losing.
He dares not change in front of anyone now, knowing what they will find. The scratching had progressed into an unrelenting low-level buzzing that devours his nerves. Full feathers will start showing soon. Even the last turn of events has not been enough to reverse the process. It's all he can do to hold on.
Saul lets himself grieve his lost chances for an instant, hidden by the dark of the night, before he joins Andreas and the fairies to go over their plan to finally take Rosalind down once and for all.
X
Rosalind is dead.
They've done it.
Or, Bloom's done it, really. And Saul can't be thankful enough that Sky managed to grab the young fairy before she disappeared into the ether in front of them. She is afraid, and she is going to need help but she does not deserve to send herself into another dimension for her actions.
Then there is Farah. Even dead, she found a way to help them.
The girls told him she was gone for good this time but Saul can sense her presence throughout the grounds, he can hear her calling. She is waiting.
It takes him a few days. First he has to make sure the school is going to stay standing, house all the students while he, Ben and Andreas regroup to brainstorm on how to deal with both the political and educational nightmare that is sure to come their way. Finally, on the third night, he finds a way to disappear for a moment. Using the " We survived " party the students still left are throwing to make his escape.
Breathing in the chilly air he wanders a moment, taking his time to cross the grounds. He lets the sounds of the night lull him while he reaches the pound. He knows she is there before he even sees her.
"Hello Farah".
He slides to the ground, trying to memorize the sensation of the grass on his hands. One last time.
"Hello Saul."
Her smile is soft, and so terribly sad. She sits besides him, wonderfully solid for the moment. His head finds her shoulder and he sags a bit against her.
"I am so tired Fah" he murmurs.
"I know" and there is such grief in her voice.
"I've lost and lost and lost. First Andreas, then you, then Sky, and Ben. Even Sebastian was not who I thought he was." His voice wavers. "Is it me? What am I doing wrong that this keeps happening ?"
"Oh Saul, I am so sorry." She kisses the top of his head. She grieves with him, her heart shattering alongside his.
"I can't do it anymore Fah. I believed I could, I'd done it before. But I have lost too much time... I am losing Fah."
"I know. That's ok."
"I don't want to be alone again."
"You won't. I'll be there. I'll stay there. As long as you live, no matter the form."
Sau's breath hitches. This is it. He can feel the magic inherent to his people take hold of him for good.
"Promise ?"
"I promise. You and I, Saul. I'll stay. As long as you are here."
Saul closes his eyes, mourning the relationship he won't be able to repair, the son he won't be able to watch grow and become a man, the daughter he will never form a bond with.
He pictures Andreas in the full strength of his nineteenth, his smile infectious, his laugh boisterous, as happy as he'd gotten to be before it all went to shit.
He commits that moment to memory. Then he lets go.
X
Farah cries when she loses Saul.
It only takes a moment. An irony compared to the long, dragged out torture he had suffered while he was fighting the process.
One moment he is there, the next a battered swan is curled up in her lap.
She keeps him with her all through the night, only letting him go when the first colors of dawn appear in the sky. The swan goes to the water by the Specialists pound, then turns. As if looking back at her.
She whispers, not knowing if it is to him or to herself. "I will be here Saul. No matter what, no matter when. I promised".
She smiles a bitter smile, full of salt. In the distance she can hear Andreas and Ben searching for the former Headmaster. The longer they search the more frantic they become.
Until Ben spots her.
He stops, frozen in his place.
"Farah? Wh... Why? How? The girls said..." His voice disappears when he glimpses the lump of discarded clothes by her side. Clothes he knows well. Clothes he'd seen on a friend not even 24 hours ago.
"No" Ben wheezes.
Andreas is by his side now, warily approaching the ghost of a woman he has not seen in more than a decade.
His eyes go from the clothes to the swan in the pound, then back to the clothes and once more to the swan. "No, no, no, no" he mutters, half under his breath. Then takes a step towards the water, and another, and another, before breaking into a lunge.
Farah stands up in a rush, intending to stop him and Ben only has the time to catch him before he throws himself at the panicked swan.
"NO!" Andreas bellows. "NO! It's not fair! Give him back! Giiive... Give him back!"
Andreas screams and screams and screams. The storms of Eraklyon echoing in his voice, the deepest caves and the highest mountains ululing in his despair. And on top of that grief the now frightened swan is honking, flapping scarred wings all over the place, splashing them all with cold water.
The Eraklyan falls to his knees on the riverbank, extending an arm towards the animal.
"Please" he begs now, like he has never begged before. "Please. I only needed a little time."
Pain creases the trait in his face, aging him well past his years.
In the dawn of a day that should have been a second chance for them all, Andreas of Eraklyon howls.
X
There are ghosts in Alfea. The First Years realize that quickly. Big Ghosts, the size of the school. Like the air of loss that hangs in the air, permeating the walls. Or the impression of what could have been that seems written all over the place.
And small ghosts, like the spirit of the former headmistress that students can glimpse walking along the river and pound. If they are lucky they can even hear her talking to the animals. She'll always have a nice word for those who dare approach her but she rarely engages students herself. She just walks around.
And then, there is the swan.
Big, and rather ugly, with his back bearing the trace of a violent attack and one of his wings littered with scars. The new kids don’t know or understand what's special about the swan, but there is clearly something.
The ghost seeks him out, and the Headmasters are also seen spending time with him, the Specialists' teacher the most. He can often be found by the pound when he is not too busy. Eating there and even grading assignments under the shade of a tree. When the nights are clear he sleeps there and when it rains he can be seen trying to corral the swan inside.
He is a weird kind of swan. On top of being full of scars he never attacks anyone, even when they get too close to him or bother him. Though he doesn't need to do that when someone tries. The older students will be on the culprit quickly enough. The Specialists are particularly fond of him.
Trainees lure him with food to pet him and have him sleep in their lap during breaks. And everyone knows that the girls from the Winx Suite and the son of the Headmaster like to spend time with him. Although there is something painful to their interactions, another spectre that hangs over them. Of regret and sorrow and guilt.
Students from Dorino show him the utmost respect, sadness and esteem in their faces every time they pass by him. Sometimes they talk between themselves. Looking at the Specialist Headmaster, they say things could still change, there are ways… But then, one goes “ at what price?” And they say nothing more.
There are ghosts in Alfea.
None of them bigger than that of Saul Silva.