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Tim walks out of his therapist office feeling defeated, feeling wary and like he’s dragging his feet. He hates this, he hates feeling like he’s going backwards and not forwards.
His therapist said he’s doing great and he’s making progress, he just needs to give it time. He needs to be able to accept the past and move on.
He talked a lot about Lucy today, just the progress they were making and how he thinks he’s letting her down a little.
“You aren’t letting her down Tim.” Dr. Lewis had said. “You are respecting her and her boundaries. You are letting her have a voice in this, when you broke up you didn’t let her have that choice.”
“She’s amazing.” Tim had replied and he had dusted invisible lint off his jeans. “I love her and she deserves the best.”
“Right,” Dr. Lewis said. “And how are you going to do that?”
“I-I don’t know.” Tim stutters.
“You do it by being the man she deserves Tim. You said she deserves better, so be better.”
“How?”
“These small doses you are doing are working.” Dr. Lewis said thoughtfully. “Just keep going at her pace, don’t cross the line. You love her?”
“More than anything.” Tim had said. “And her boundaries mean something to me. I do respect her.”
“That’s important Tim.” Dr. Lewis said. “You are showing her the love and respect you never had growing up. It’s a true testament to who you are.”
“I’m not my father.”
“You are not.” Dr. Lewis agrees. “I know it’s hard but—”
***
After that it had spiraled into stuff about his father, his mom and Genny. It got a little overwhelming.
And now as he walks to his truck, he feels weighed down with all his trauma and he needs some relief.
He needs someone who will take him in their arms and just hug him. Who will reassure him. And he knows exactly who that is—
Lucy.
Except it’s not that easy, not anymore before he fucked it up.
He climbs in his truck, and he finds himself driving towards her apartment. He parks next to where her car would be and lays his head against the headrest.
He loves her, he needs her.
He closes his eyes and breathes deeply, he’s tired from working and everything hitting him at once.
He is falling asleep, and he should probably wake up but—
There’s a tap on his window, and he looks over to see Lucy looking at him. He rolls down the window and gives her small smile.
“Hi.”
“Hi.” She replies. “What are you doing here?” Tim blows out a sigh, and then looks at her.
Honesty. He needs to be honest.
“I just came from therapy and—it was rough.” He admits. “I didn’t want to go home—”
You are my home.
“Oh.” She says softly. She opens the door, and he sees she has her gym clothes on. Her bag thrown over her shoulder. “I’m sorry. But I’m proud of you for going to therapy.”
“Thanks.” He mumbles. “I’m sorry I bothered you—” Lucy shakes her head, and pulls him out of the truck.
“You didn’t bother me Tim.” She says. Her eyes dart around the parking lot. “Come up with me?”
He swallows hard, and he should say no. He should just leave but he really doesn’t want to. He wants to be with her, feel close to her.
He misses her, oh so much.
“Lucy—“ he manages to get out. “I—” Lucy shakes her head, and presses a kiss to his cheek.
“Just one night.” She says. “I-I need this Tim.” He doesn’t say anything, and she takes his hand and leads him away from his truck.
They get up to her apartment, and she unlocks the door never letting go of his hand. “Sit down.” She tells him. “I will be right back.” She disappears into her room and he stands there before making his way to the couch.
He sees Lucy changing, her bare back showing and he swallows.
God he misses her.
Once upon a time, it was a mere fantasy to be with Lucy and then it became reality and now it was like a faded memory.
He sits down when he sees her move, and then she’s out and sitting next to him. “Just for the record,” she says. “I’m not as mad at you anymore.”
Tim huffs out a laugh, and she smiles at him. “Good to know.” He says. “I guess we are making progress.”
She nods and scoots closer to him, he reaches out for her and she moves into his side. She puts her head on his chest and he sighs softly.
“I’m sorry.” He says. “I’m sure you had other plans.”
“Yes.” She says. “Sitting at home and eating ice cream.” Tim lets out a loud laugh and she grins up at him.
“You are amazing.” He says. “I don’t know how you are being so patient with me. I am a mess Lucy. I—have a lot of trauma.”
“I know.” Lucy mutters. “But who doesn’t? Wasn’t it you who told me my tattoo made me a survivor? Your trauma, your scars don’t make you weak Tim. You are so strong, you just can’t let them take over you.”
“You are stronger than me.” Tim tells her, his voice thick with emotion like everything is catching up to him.
“I’m not.” She says. “You have been through so much pain, so much trauma and you have risen above it. You got knocked down and it pulled you under but I know it’s not who you are.”
God he loves her.
“I’m trying.” He says. He feels her tap his chest, and her fingers go up it. She looks up at him and gives him the softest smile.
“I know you are Tim.” She says. “I know it’s going to take time. But you are worth the wait. You are worth the effort.”
“So are you.” He says into her hair. He breathes her in, and if this only for one night he wants to memorize everything about her.
Her smell. The way her eyes twinkle. The sound of her voice and laugh—
Lucy doesn’t say anything, and Tim continues. “I know you probably don’t believe me but you are worth it. You always were, I just lost myself and lost track of everything important. I didn’t see myself as a good person. I saw myself drowning, and I didn’t want to pull you down with me.”
“I just wanted to help Tim.” Lucy says softly. She runs her hands over his stubble, and he closes his eyes at her touch.
“I know.”
“I didn’t see you as a horrible person. I didn’t and I would never judge you because of your past. I know who you are Tim. And underneath that hard exterior—”
“Do not say I’m soft.” He says. Lucy lets out a laugh, and pokes his chest.
“I wasn’t gonna.” She says. “I mean you are a big softly.” Tim scoffs at her, and she laughs again curling up more into his side.
“I was going to say you are a good, noble man who I love and cherish. You are by far the most important person in my life.” She says softly.
“Still?” Tim asks. “Even after everything?” Lucy moves herself so she’s straddling his lap, she tilts his head up and runs her hand down his face.
“Yes.” She says simply. “I-I love you Tim. No matter how mad I was, and no matter how much I tried to hate you. I just couldn’t. You are my person, even when you walk away.”
“You are incredible.”
“So are you.” She mutters. She puts her hand over his heart, and then leans in so her lips are pressed against his ear. “I wish you would believe that. There’s so much good in you. And I know you are trying Tim. I see it everyday.”
He loves her.
“Do you know how much I love you?” He asks before he can stop himself. Her eyes widen and she pulls back a bit and studies him.
“I have an idea.” She says. He pulls her back to him, and he’s not going to do anything she doesn’t want to do. If she just wants to stay like this then he’s okay with it.
He’s in his safe place, he’s finally home again. And all he needs is Lucy.
“I’m so sorry for everything.” He mutters. “I understand if—we never become us again. I know how much I hurt you. But I love you Lucy. It was never about that. It was about preserving your good and protecting you from me. I hate myself for doing it, I—”
“Tim shh.” She says gently. “Take a deep breath.” He does and he lets it out. Lucy massages his shoulders, her forehead against his.
“We will get through this.” She says. “If you are willing to work through this with me.”
“I am.”
“Then we will work through it together.” She says gently. “Okay? Together. No more deciding for me, no more shutting me out and walking away. We do things together. We always have.”
“Together.” He repeats. “Together.”Lucy hums softly and leans up and gives him a soft kiss. It’s featherlight but he feels it throughout his body.
“Thank you for letting me stay.” He mutters. Lucy smiles at him, and gives him another kiss. Still light. Still there.
“Thank you for staying.” She says. “I needed this more than I realized.”
So did he.
“I’m not going to stop with the small doses Luce. Whatever you need, whenever you need it. If you stay stop I will stop.” He says but she shakes her head.
“I’m not going to tell you to stop.” She says softly.
“What do you need right now Lucy?” He asks. She chews on her bottom lip, and then her eyes watch his face and she reaches out to smooth his worry lines.
“You.”
“That’s it?” He asks a little surprised. Surely he couldn’t be enough.
“As long as you are by my side I won’t need anything else.” She says. “Because whatever happens you are with me.”
“Right.” He mutters. He gives her a kiss this time, and she slides off his lap and curls into his side again.
They have a long ways to go, he has a ways to go too. But if they are back, they are back together.
And they weather any storm, and they will. He wasn’t going to make the same mistake twice. They were going to do this—
Together.
Together.
***
Tim wakes up and his neck hurts, his back is aching but he has Lucy curled into his side. One of her legs is thrown over his and her head is on his chest. She’s still asleep, her breathing light and he runs his fingers through her hair gently.
“Luce.” He whispers. She stirs but doesn’t wake, her eyes still closed. “Lucy.” He runs his finger down her arm.
She opens one eye, and then another. “Oh.” She says. “Hi what time is it?” Tim looks out the windows and if he had to hazard a guess, he would say midnight.
“Late.” He says. “I should get going.” He attempts to move but Lucy holds him down.
“No,” she says sleepily. “Stay. Please.” He sighs softly and runs his fingers through her hair again.
“Okay.” He says. “But can we move? I am very cramped.” Lucy jumps up right away, and looks at him apologetically.
“Sorry.”
“Don’t be.” He says and she pulls him up into her chest. “Let’s go to bed.” She bites her lip, and then takes his hand and leads him to the bedroom.
Tim climbs into her bed, which seems so foreign and she climbs in next to him curling up into his side. He presses a kiss to her hair and she sigh softly.
“Goodnight Tim.” She whispers. He presses another kiss to her head.
“Goodnight Lucy.”
And they would talk more in the morning but for now he let sleep take over him, once again next to the woman he loves. He knows it couldn’t get better than this, because this is exactly what he needs and could ever want.