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Eddie had been acting weird.
Typically, because they spent so much time together, Buck knew if something was happening. He knew if Eddie’s mother had been calling and annoying him more than usual. If Christopher had something going on at school or if he wasn’t feeling well. If Eddie wasn’t sleeping well, and the nightmares had flared back up.
He hadn’t mentioned any of those things.
But it had to be something.
Buck had caught him pacing around late one night when everyone else was resting around the nine hour mark of a twelve hour shift. When Buck had asked him what was going on, he’d gotten even weirder.
He’d mumbled and sputtered and quickly fled the room, claiming to be going to take a shower.
A shower, when they hadn’t even been out on a call. Buck couldn’t figure that one out.
But tonight, because he was going to Eddie’s to watch a movie, and because Christopher was at a friend’s house, Buck was determined to figure it out.
He didn’t like not knowing things, and he especially didn’t like not knowing if something was happening with Eddie.
He was there to help him, to support him, to do things for him; so he’d insist on Eddie letting him. No matter what it was.
After all, it was Eddie. It couldn’t be anything crazy.
He’d picked the movie, mainly because he wanted it to be something they could talk through and not miss anything.
They’d eaten a few slices of pizza each and had one beer before he turned to Eddie.
“Ok, so tell me what’s going on.”
“What?”
Buck knew he was on the right track, because Eddie’s eyes were wide and he looked terrified.
“Eddie…please. It’s me. You can tell me anything. So, come on….”
Eddie stood up and paced the room, just like Buck had seen him do the other night at work.
Buck waited, eyes on the TV screen, staring blankly at what he was seeing.
It was about five minutes later when Eddie spoke.
“Are you sure you’re…Buck this is really…fuck.”
He raised an eyebrow, but he sat still where he was, watching Eddie stride through the room. He waited some more.
Eddie would say it when he was ready. It was just a matter of how much pacing he would do, how many times he would start and stop a sentence, how long he would war with himself. Buck could be patient.
Finally, Eddie sat down on the couch hard, jostling Buck just slightly. He wanted to laugh, because it was a little funny, but he didn’t figure Eddie would appreciate it. He bit his lip instead.
“It’s too personal,” Eddie said finally. He looked toward Buck but not directly at him, focusing on a spot on the wall behind his head.
“No such thing. I’ve told you all kinds of deep, dark secrets. Nothing bothers me, Eddie, you know that.”
“Yeah, but….”
“Eddie,” he interrupted. “It’s me. You think it’s something I haven’t heard before?”
Eddie glanced at the ceiling with a shrug. “Uh…yeah…actually I do.”
Buck didn’t buy it. “Try me.”
Eddie rolled his eyes miserably and blew out a deep breath. “I…can’t…uh. I haven’t been able to….” He groaned, sounding frustrated, and put his head in his hands. “I haven’t been able to get hard.”
Buck felt his jaw drop, and he said, “Oh,” without really intending to.
“Oh?” Eddie asked, not looking up.
“Yeah. Oh, just like…oh, ok.”
It wasn’t very good recovery, and he didn’t want Eddie to feel bad, so he continued.
“I…I mean, that happens to everyone. It’s just a thing sometimes, Eddie. It’s no big deal. It’s…it’ll get better. It just takes time sometimes.”
Eddie looked up at him.
“So, it’s happened to you?”
He could lie…sure, he could. But Eddie knew him well enough to recognize when he was being less than honest, and it seemed like a shitty thing to do, since Eddie had struggled so much to admit it to him.
“Well…no. Not to me. I mean, not yet. But, that sorta stuff is unpredictable. Could happen at any time. Stress and all kinds of stuff just…you know….”
Eddie nodded slowly. “Stress. Sure.”
They were quiet for a moment.
“What’s been bothering you?” Buck asked finally.
“That’s just it…there’s really nothing crazy going on right now. There’s been way worse times. More stressful, busier, times I’ve been super anxious, and I still…you know.”
“Ok…well, there must be something.”
Buck was going into problem-solver mode. Because at its core, this problem was just that, a problem. And Buck liked being the guy who fixed things. He could fix this, too.
Eddie grimaced.
“Ok, maybe, kinda.”
Buck perked up. “Yeah?” He had known Eddie had to be holding out on him. There had the be more to the story.
“The last time I was with…with Marisol, it wasn’t too great. I mean, it was fine, at first, like always.”
Describing sex as fine was a problem in itself, but Buck figured Eddie didn’t need to hear that right now. He kept his mouth shut, focusing on listening so that he could help Eddie.
“But then I guess I was kinda maybe too rough with her?” It sounded like he was asking, so Buck knew he must still be unsure about it all, and Buck immediately felt confused. “And it was an accident, I guess I just…. I don’t know, I got too worked up and….”
Buck’s eyes were wide and he wondered what they were dealing with here.
“I just kinda grabbed her a little too hard when I was pushing her up against the wall and I guess it scared her. But it really killed the mood and then we never…I mean, that was the last time. The last time we…you know. And the last time I….”
“Oh. Ok.”
It wasn’t terrible. He’d worried at first that Eddie had accidentally really hurt Marisol, but it didn’t sound that bad to him. And sex could get kind of out of hand sometimes if you weren’t paying attention. She knew Eddie, so he didn’t really understand how she could’ve felt so scared of him that it not only ruined the moment, but also their entire relationship, as well as Eddie’s ability to perform.
“I’ve had some situations like that before. I accidentally pulled a girl’s hair once, like, I put my hand down on her hair when I was on top of her and it pulled pretty hard.” But once she’d let him know and he apologized it was all good again.
There were other things, little moments of similar situations. Sex wasn’t always that sexy. Stuff happened. People were people.
“Eddie, you didn’t hurt her on purpose. I’m sorry it went the way it did, but it sounds like it wasn’t that bad to me. Was there anything else?”
Eddie shook his head no.
“I mean…ok. Don’t hate me, but it sounds like maybe you guys just weren’t all that compatible. You’re strong, and she knows you’re strong, right? I mean, most of the time that’s a positive thing. So…you didn’t do anything on purpose to scare or hurt her. She should’ve known that. Did you apologize?”
“Yeah, of course. Of course I did.”
“I figured that. I just thought I’d ask. I’m trying to understand what went wrong…. ‘Cause it sounds like it wasn’t your fault at all.”
To be honest it made Buck angry. And it was sort of typical for him to be annoyed at Eddie’s significant others…because he always seemed to find an issue with them at some point.
He hadn’t quite figured that out yet.
Marisol had been ok, if not a little boring. Buck felt like he’d never really gotten to know her, but he also felt like there wasn’t much to get to know. She didn’t really have much personality. But her reaction was making Eddie question himself and that made Buck upset.
“I don’t think you did anything wrong.”
“That’s easy for you to say,” Eddie said, giving a humorless laugh. “She acted like I was some kind of monster.”
“For putting her up against a wall too hard? Eddie…what the fuck? It’s not that serious.”
“I wanted to…I was gonna….” Eddie made a noise of frustration and Buck felt bad for him. This was hard for him, and Buck wished he could help. But he could only guess so much. Eddie had to fill in a few of the blanks for him.
“She said men don’t do that to women while they’re standing. That’s how they do it to other men.”
Buck let the words sink in and then he understood.
So she hadn’t wanted Eddie to eat her out while she was standing because she felt like it was weird or unusual. And it sounded like on top of being a regular bitch, she was also a homophobic bitch. Great.
“Never known a girl to turn down oral before,” he offered, unsure of what else to say.
“Maybe I’m really bad at it,” Eddie mused. “Maybe that’s what the whole thing was about. Maybe it was all an excuse to get rid of me because I’m terrible in bed.”
Buck shook his head. “Absolutely not. I’m not gonna let you question yourself because some woman made you feel bad about stuff. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“How do you know?”
The words rattled him. Because…Buck didn’t know. Of course Buck didn’t know how Eddie was in bed. He had no way to guess or even consider it. Maybe he’d thought about it, maybe he wanted to know. But he didn’t. Because Eddie was straight, and he wouldn’t ever push something like that on his best friend. He’d never even bring it up in a hypothetical situation.
He shook his head again.
“Because, Eddie, you’re kind and considerate and a good guy. You wouldn’t be selfish or shitty to women in bed. And you and Shannon fucked around for a long time before you ever told Chris she was back for him. I know she had to have a reason to keep coming back for more.”
Maybe something else he’d thought about from time to time, and felt jealous of. Jealous of his best friend’s wife, and yeah, that had made him feel like shit.
“I guess so. I don’t know. They never stay.”
“The right one will stay. It’s ok, Eddie. I’m sorry you’re feeling like this. Maybe talking about it will make it better,” he suggested.
“Maybe….” Eddie shrugged.
It made sense to Buck now why he hadn’t known that Eddie and Marisol had broken up. Of course he wouldn’t want to tell a story like that.
“How long?”
Eddie stared straight ahead. “Uh…little over three weeks.”
He did his best to hide his shock.
“That’s…a while.”
Eddie nodded a few times.
Buck attempted to relax then, leaning back against the couch and putting his feet up on the coffee table. Maybe Eddie could calm down if he seemed like he was at ease.
“Like I said, I never had a girl turn down oral before. Some guys don’t even do it, you know? So typically they’re super excited and enthusiastic about it. It would really throw me off if that happened to me. Personally, I love being on my knees for anybody, guy or girl, and I’ve never had anyone complain about it. It’s definitely not a gendered sort of concept. She’s just weird.”
He glanced at Eddie, hoping his attempt at casual conversation had helped, but Eddie still looked like he was in pain.
“I mean, have you ever heard that before? Only guys get head standing up? I never have.”
Eddie shook his head slowly. “No,” he answered hollowly.
“Well, it’s stupid,” he said simply; as juvenile as it sounded, he didn’t care.
“She was, uh, a nun. So….” Eddie shrugged and then he sort of fidgeted, gesturing around absently. “I mean, she was like, in training to be a nun? I don’t know. We didn’t get into it much. But she, maybe…maybe didn’t have much experience, I don’t know. I…don’t know.”
“Jeez. A fucking—” He cut himself off before he could say the next word. A nun? Eddie hadn’t told him any of this and he understood why.
“Yeah,” Eddie laughed, and this time he actually did sound amused. “Someone more fucked up about religion and sex than me. Maybe that’s why it didn’t work. We were both too clueless. One of us needed to be more knowledgeable to teach the other.”
“Eddie…you don’t need to be taught things. You’re not clueless. You’re a great guy and you’re great in bed.”
“How do you know?”
“What?”
Eddie had shifted slightly, his elbows still resting on his thighs from when he had his face in his hands, now his chin rested against his clasped hands. He leveled his gaze on Buck.
“You said I’m great in bed. How do you know? You don’t. I’m probably not.”
Eddie was rambling. He was irritated from what had happened, and from having to explain it. He was uncomfortable.
And Buck felt bad about all of those things. He hated that Eddie was upset and feeling bad about himself. He needed to focus on that, and not the fact that he’d just assured his best friend that he was indeed good in bed, as if he had firsthand knowledge of such a thing. Like he’d thought about it before. Like he wanted to know.
“I told you; Shannon. You and Shannon fucked like bunnies when she first came back. Not exactly the sign of someone who’s bad at it.”
That was a fair excuse. He relaxed again.
“Shannon and I were familiar with one another. It was…routine and easy.”
“I don’t think bad sex is easy. I think you both work at it and it still sucks. So…I still don’t think you’re bad. Sorry.”
“But would anyone tell me?”
“What?”
“If I was bad at it. Would they tell me? Maybe they don’t wanna hurt my feelings. Maybe they were just being polite. Oh god.” He covered his face again. “That’s it. They were just being nice. I’m a pity fuck.”
Buck narrowed his eyes. “You think your wife pity fucked you?”
Eddie glanced up at him sharply. “I—I don’t know. Maybe.”
“Eddie, be serious. You’re spiraling. This is ridiculous.”
“But, I—“
“No,” Buck stopped him. “You think every woman you’ve ever slept with has been with you out of pity?”
It was laughable, considering how unbelievably good looking Eddie was. Women must have constantly thrown themselves at him. Buck had witnessed it. He knew it was true.
“It’s not like it’s a long list. It could be true.” He was rambling again, and he shrugged. “With only three, that’s definitely possible, maybe even probable. I don’t know.”
And ok, Buck hadn’t known for certain that Eddie had only ever slept with Shannon, Ana, and Marisol, but he had guessed it. Eddie was serious and careful and an over thinker. It kind of made sense.
While Buck had been traveling around, taking odd jobs, and sleeping with multiple girls every week, Eddie had been married with a kid at nineteen, and deployed to an active war zone shortly after.
When he’d returned and Shannon had bailed, he was living with his parents, raising Christopher, and working three jobs. It wasn’t exactly conducive to casual dating or hookups.
Buck understood. And he respected Eddie a lot for it. His family had come first, caring for his son and being faithful to his wife. It impressed Buck, and sometimes he wished he’d been more like Eddie. But there was probably some balance between the two of them that was far more healthy than what either of them had done.
Buck didn’t feel sorry for Eddie’s experience, he didn’t think it made him lesser. It made him careful and considerate, which Buck greatly appreciated, and also assumed made him very attentive and focused in bed.
He knew at this point in his life, after having had a few real relationships that having just one partner could be great, and gave you an opportunity to try lots of stuff, explore anything and everything, and once you got to know someone and what they liked, that could be all kinds of fun.
He had no doubt that Eddie made the most of his time with the different women he’d been with. There was no question to him, in his mind, he knew Eddie would have been good to them. Good for them.
And maybe he had thought of it before.
Not Eddie and his different partners.
Just Eddie.
Eddie and his big brown eyes and his gorgeous abs and the little bit of an accent he had when saying certain words. His strong hands and his ass and the muscles in his upper back that were always visible in those stupid tank tops he insisted on wearing when he worked out.
Yeah. He’d thought about it.
Respectfully, as his best friend, he tried as hard as he possibly could to keep Eddie out of his fantasies and daydreams. It didn’t always work, but he tried.
Eddie moved in careful, practiced motions; on calls, during workouts, helping Christopher. All things he did regularly, all things he did with ease.
Buck imagined there was similar methodology with his sex life. The way he kissed and touched and fucked. He would be focused on all the ways to make someone feel good. Buck suppressed a shudder at the thought.
“Eddie,” Buck spoke finally. “You really have to stop putting yourself down like that. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you, and no one was with you out of pity. So cut it out.”
“Buck,” Eddie practically whined his name and he tried hard not to imagine Eddie using that wrecked voice on him while they were in bed. “Buck….” He said again, as if he’d realized something. “You have to tell me.”
Buck shook his head, confused. “Tell you what? I’ve been telling you, you’re just fine.”
Eddie grabbed his arm. “No, Buck. No. I need you…I need you to tell me if I’m bad. I need you to help me.”
“Help you what?”
Eddie looked very serious, his brow creased, his mouth set. “I need you. You’re the only one who will be honest with me. You’ll tell me.”
He was baffled. “Tell you what? Need me for what?
Eddie took a deep breath.
“I need you to tell me if I’m bad at sex.”
“I’ve told you that like six times. You’re not. There, I told you again. Are we done now?”
“Buck.” Eddie’s grip on his arm became firmer. “Sleep with me.”
Buck went entirely still. “What?”
“I mean…you…it makes sense. You’re…we’re…best friends. You’re my best friend. And you’re, you know, you like guys. Right? That’s not…that’s a thing. And you’ve always had lots of sex. Like, a lot. So, who better to tell me?”
He grinned broadly, his voice growing more and more excited as he spoke. And all Buck did was panic.
“Eddie,” he finally choked out. “What the fuck?”
“You can—“ He continued brightly, until he met Buck’s eyes and trailed off quietly, his face falling. “Show me….”
Buck made a noise that even he wasn’t sure what was and then clamped a hand over his own mouth. No more noises, and probably no more words right now. There were none he could think of that would be right, would make sense, would convey what he actually needed to say.
“Oh, fuck. I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I…no. I shouldn’t have said that. I’m sorry. I’m so—“
Buck reached forward and put a hand over Eddie’s mouth, too. Both of them needed a few minutes to shut the fuck up.
He wished he was amused, he wished he found it funny. He wished they were both laughing. But neither of them were.
Eddie slowly pulled Buck’s hand away from his mouth and nervously fidgeted where he sat.
Buck slowly moved his own hand, rubbing his thumb back and forth over his lower lip before biting down gently on his cuticle.
“Hey, uh, it’s…it’s ok,” Buck said finally. “It’s ok.”
“Yeah,” Eddie agreed. He sounded depressed as all hell and Buck looked at him. He was looking down at the floor, frowning, glaring, fists clenched and shoulders tensed.
“Eddie….” Buck sighed. “You…you know you’re not doing anything wrong. I don’t wanna put you in the uncomfortable position of sleeping with me to prove something. That’s…fucked up.”
“You think it’d be a hardship to sleep with you? Not from what I’ve heard.”
“Eddie, you’re straight, in case you’ve forgotten?” It was painful to say that out loud, for some reason.
“You thought you were straight up until a few months ago,” Eddie argued.
And he supposed he had. But once he’d had the time to reflect on his life, he realized he’d always been attracted to men; he just hadn’t realized it was an option for some reason. Appreciating male bodies, admiring or pining over someone, he’d always brushed off as friendship or wanting to be like someone. Looking up to them.
He was an idiot, he was absolutely sure of that, because there had been plenty of guys he’d wanted, but he just hadn’t really known it at the time. And unfortunately Eddie fell into that category. Hot, funny, sweet, a good dad. He checked all of Buck’s boxes, actually. That’s why it sucked so bad.
And that’s why it was so confusing that it seemed Eddie was arguing that it wasn’t a terrible idea for Buck to sleep with him.
“Subconsciously I always knew I was into men. I just didn’t view it as a realistic option for some reason. So it’s not really a new thing for me, it’s just a new thing I’m acting on.”
Eddie looked baffled. “After all the stuff you’ve done over the years, all the sex you’ve had, you didn’t see it as an option?”
Eddie sounded genuinely curious, and Buck didn’t know why he cared, but he wasn’t being rude about it, so he answered honestly.
“No.” He shrugged. “I thought a casual attraction or checking a guy out was totally normal and something everyone did. I thought it meant I just really liked or admired someone. Like, I wanted to be like them or something. The fantasies and dreams and stuff…I don’t know, I just like sex in general, so I kinda just thought it was normal for me.”
“What did you dream about?”
Buck tried hard to ignore the feeling of his skin heating up, blood slowly simmering, his dick dangerously close to getting hard. He couldn’t help it; he was easy.
“Basic stuff. Touching. Kissing. Never anything really in-depth. Stuff I saw in porn, maybe. How it would feel, what it would be like.”
“Is it like you thought?”
“It’s….” He sighed. “It’s better. It’s way better.”
“Oh.”
Eddie sounded disappointed and Buck just felt more confused than he ever had. He didn’t know why Eddie was asking these questions. He didn’t know why Eddie had wanted to sleep with him. He didn’t know why Eddie seemed so sad about the turn their conversation had taken.
“Are you ok?” He asked seriously.
“I’m…not sure. I feel weird.”
“Weird how?”
Eddie shrugged. “Confused. And…all over the place.”
Buck nodded. He’d been there before.
“Look, if there’s anything I can do…I really wanna help. I just…don’t know what would be the best way to do that.”
Eddie met his eyes. “I meant what I said. I want…I want you to…help me. I know it isn’t fair and it isn’t right and it’s too much to ask….”
Buck took his hand and answered without thinking. “Then I will.”
Eddie’s hand was warm in his, and immediately he twined their fingers together. Finally, Eddie smiled and looked relieved and Buck was able to relax.
He knew what he’d just agreed to was a disaster waiting to happen, for him at least. He already had feelings for Eddie. It would be complicated as fuck to touch him, kiss him, be in bed with him, and not fall more in love with him.
But Eddie’s hand in his felt so good and right. He could almost convince himself that it was an amazing idea. Because Buck was a glutton for punishment. He’d do anything for someone else, especially if it was someone he loved. And he loved Eddie pretty much more than he loved anyone on earth.
“Can you…say more stuff about…about sex?”
And that was it; he was hard.
It never had taken much for him to get hard. Of course, it seemed pretty insensitive to bring that up to Eddie at the moment. But just talking about sex could easily get him worked up; talking about sex with Eddie…. Well, there was a reason he typically avoided that.
Because Eddie was off limits, and the last thing Buck wanted to do was make his best friend uncomfortable.
But now…now Eddie was asking him to have sex with him to prove something to himself and he had just asked Buck to talk about sex.
“Like what?” He spoke, clearing his throat, trying his very best to sound casual.
“I don’t know. You said…you dreamed about being with men, but you still never did anything about it?”
“Just sometimes. It didn’t happen a lot. Actually, I don’t dream about sex in general too much. I guess I was so used to actually doing it that it was rare my brain made it up. But when I did, there were just as many men as there were women involved.”
Eddie nodded. “I think I’ve only ever dreamt about sex a handful of times in my life.”
“See? You get it, then. But when I did dream about men, I just thought, you know…that’s not that unusual, because sex is just sex. Naked bodies and touching and pleasure is just…good.”
It was impossible for him to discuss sex without getting turned on. That was just a fact. He could mention it in passing, and move the conversation along, but it wasn’t something he could really get into unless it was to move in a very clear direction.
Doing it with Eddie was proving to be as dangerous as he’d always known it would be. But it was what Eddie wanted, and he would always give Eddie what he wanted.
“Mm-hmm,” Eddie agreed. “You always thought about sex a lot? Like, from the time you were really young?”
“Oh, yeah. As soon as I was able to….” He shifted uncomfortably. “Yeah,” he concluded gruffly. “You know I thought for a while there was something wrong with me. Like a genuine addiction.”
“I’ve heard that story,” Eddie told him, a small smile on his lips.
Buck rolled his eyes. “I’m sure you have. And listen, I’m an idiot, but I—“
“You’re not. Don’t say that. You’re definitely not. You wouldn’t let me say anything negative about myself, and I won’t let you either.”
It made him feel warm all over for a different reason, because Eddie cared about him and was sweet and considerate of his feelings and…Buck sometimes forgot he was important to people, and each time he was reminded of it, he felt lucky.
“Well, thanks. I appreciate you saying that. But I really do love sex. Like, a lot. I was always interested, from the time I knew what it meant. And as soon as a girl approached me, I was more than ready.”
“A girl approached you? That shouldn’t surprise me, I guess. You’re…I mean, girls like you. A lot. So…yeah, that’s no shock.”
Buck smiled. “I guess. But she was curious and she didn’t wanna take no for an answer.”
“That happened to you a lot, I’m betting.”
“Kinda. I can’t imagine you never had the same situation. I know girls want you, I’ve seen it plenty.”
“Yeah, but…them wanting me and me wanting them doesn’t always go together. I just…I have to be comfortable. I have to know them and….”
“Sure,” Buck offered. “That’s a good thing. It’s better to have a connection with someone. I wasn’t always like that. But I realized it’s much better when you know someone really deeply. It makes things more intense.”
“Yeah.” Eddie was agreeing, but he also sounded like he was asking a question. “How–what kind of connection are we talking here? Intense how?”
“Just, you know. You know them pretty well. You know what they like and what they don’t and how they feel about stuff, and what’s important to them. And some of that has to do with sex and some of it doesn’t at all. But it still matters. It still makes it better. There’s a comfort level. You can talk about stuff. You can ask for stuff. They can ask for stuff.”
Eddie nodded slowly.
Buck continued. “Anyone who thinks asking for something or discussing stuff isn’t sexy just hasn’t done it right.”
“Do you think I’m not doing it right?” Eddie asked. He sounded a little breathless and Buck took a breath himself, hoping to ground them both.
“I don’t think there’s a right or wrong way, necessarily…just what feels good for you. But what I mean is, some dickhead guys wanna say, you know, it isn’t sexy to stop and ask a girl if it’s ok to kiss her, or if she’s ready for you to be inside her, or if she’s comfortable or if she needs something else. That’s a lame excuse, because I think it makes it even better.”
Finally, Eddie took a breath, too, but it sounded broken, like he was struggling to keep control.
Buck wanted to read into that fact, as if Eddie would be affected the same way he was.
He wasn’t. It wasn’t possible for them. He had to keep that in mind. He had to hold onto that fact; he wasn’t talking to get Eddie into bed. He was just answering questions his best friend asked. Question…answer. Simple.
“You like talking during sex. I should’ve expected that.”
Buck grinned. “Well, yeah. I do like it. But it does actually serve a purpose. And it’s hot.”
Eddie cleared his throat. “Ok, you got me. How is it hot?”
Buck cocked his head to the side, considering his response.
“You want your partner to be comfortable and feel good.”
“Right,” Eddie agreed.
“Ok, so maybe you ask them if they like it. Maybe if they want it harder or faster, or maybe even slower. Slower can be fun. Makes sense, right?”
“Mm-hmm. Makes sense. I’ve…never done that.”
“That’s ok,” Buck told him. “Maybe you’ll try it next time, if it feels right.”
“I get kinda nervous talking in those situations.”
He hadn’t needed Eddie to tell him that little fun fact; he’d pretty much known.
“Even if you’re comfortable?”
“Mm-hmm.” He chewed on the inside of his lip.
Buck didn’t want to ask another question, like if Eddie had been too uncomfortable with Shannon to talk, because he hated to think that if the answer was yes, that it would make Eddie feel worse.
“Could you give me an example?” Eddie asked, surprising him.
He couldn’t point out that he had just given examples, and that going further into detail was just going to cause him to get even harder in his jeans. He shifted carefully, hoping not to draw attention.
“You c-could show me,” Eddie continued. “Show me what you mean?”
“Show you? I can—yeah. I—I could. I can. Yeah….”
And this was it; the moment that was going to change everything.
“I will, if you show me what you did to Marisol that last time. Just so I can understand where all this started.”
Eddie gave a jerky nod. “Yeah, ok.”
He stood swiftly, and it was then that Buck realized they were still holding hands. He didn’t have much choice but to follow, and even though he was nervous, he was ready to do whatever Eddie wanted. He ignored the litany of bad idea, bad idea, bad idea running through his head.
“I’m not good at the whole talking thing, right? So I don’t, I just….” He squeezed Buck’s hand and led him toward the far wall in the living room, backing him against it. “I don’t say it. I just do it.”
Buck didn’t know who had told Eddie that he wasn’t good at this, because holy fuck his head was spinning.
“Hold on, hold on,” he protested gently.
Eddie met his eyes.
“Was that…was that how you did it? Just like that?” Buck asked him.
Eddie looked confused for a second, like he didn’t know what Buck meant.
“With her? Is that what scared her? You’d need to be a lot rougher than that to scare me….”
A light sparked in Eddie’s eyes then, and Buck felt a thrill go through him. He pulled Buck back from the wall toward him.
“You know better than that,” Eddie told him, in a teasing tone.
Buck was so hard it hurt and he actually needed Eddie to put him back against the wall so he had something to support him. This was better than anything he’d ever managed to hope for.
“Know better than what?”
“If you want me to do it harder all you had to do was say so.”
Buck raised an eyebrow. “I just think to be as realistic as possible…you should do it harder.”
Eddie gave him a devastatingly handsome grin before he pushed Buck back up against the wall, hard, and Buck didn’t even try to fight the moan that rose up in his throat.
Eddie grabbed his other hand and pushed both of Buck’s arms over his head, pinning them to the wall, holding him by the wrists with one hand, his other hand sliding to Buck’s hipbone to hold him still.
Eddie’s grip was tight, and Buck was being held where he stood, but he fidgeted as best as he could anyway, wishing for friction and movement and touching and—
Eddie’s thumb slid under his T-shirt to his bare skin, rubbing circles there, pulling another moan from him.
“You like that?”
He could feel the words against his ear, whispered roughly. He nodded, his head thumping back against the wall.
“You don’t—you don’t need my help at all.”
Buck opened his eyes to focus on Eddie.
“I’m just showing you what I did.”
If that were true, and Buck could be open-minded and put himself in Marisol’s shoes, which he absolutely could not, he would probably give a few critiques and slowly back away so they could go back to the couch. But he had no intention of stopping anything.
“You did what I told you, too. You asked me. See, you did the talking thing. That wasn’t so bad, was it?”
“Not hard when you’re so—“
“So what?”
Eddie looked at him, up and down his body. “So…hot. So responsive and ready and open.”
At this rate, Buck was going to cum in his jeans, standing up against the wall with Eddie close, but not nearly close enough.
“I think the same about you. You’re…Eddie, you’re not bad. Trust me. No one was ever with you out of pity. You’re…holy fuck…unbelievable.”
Eddie moved a little closer, and Buck itched to touch him, wanting Eddie’s entire weight against him.
“You want me to touch you?”
“Please,” he whined. “Eddie, please.”
He let go of Buck’s hands, and he was unable to stop himself from dropping them to Eddie’s waist. He cupped Buck’s jaw, fingertips gentle against him, his thumb traced over Buck’s bottom lip.
Buck took a short, gasping breath before Eddie closed the distance between them and kissed him, their hips pressing together as he did.
Buck could talk during sex, and the lead-up to sex. He could. He would. He typically did. But there wasn’t a lot of thought going on during those times, just a stream of words expressing what felt good, what he wanted, making sure to find out what his partner wanted. But actual thought? Not so much.
So it was different for him to be so full of thoughts while kissing Eddie.
Kissing Eddie. What he had wanted to do since they met. And they were touching, pressed together so that Buck could feel his chest rising and falling with each breath he took, and even better than that, his hard cock, rutting right up against his own.
Eddie couldn’t get hard…but he’s hard now. He’s hard with me. He’s hard for me. I made him hard. This is making him hard. He wants me. I want him so goddamn bad.
He moaned into Eddie’s mouth, pulling back just slightly.
“I thought you were having issues with this?”
Buck reached a hand down between them and pulled back just far enough to cup his palm over Eddie’s cock through his jeans.
He made a gorgeous, soft whining sound that Buck immediately wanted more of.
“Never with you.”
“With me?” He chuckled lowly, nipping at Eddie’s lower lip. “This is the first time for that.”
“When I think about you.”
His eyes were closed, lashes fluttering, lips parted and slick. He looked perfect.
“How often do you do that?” Buck had to know; he’d never dared to imagine Eddie would want him.
“I try not to. It doesn’t work very well. But since the…since that happened I haven’t even tried because…I thought, I don’t know, maybe it happened because I’m…maybe I don’t feel as attracted to women as I’m supposed to.”
“You’re not supposed to do anything, other than what feels good. You can like both, or one or the other, or neither, and all of that is totally normal.”
“I just….” He sighed and opened his eyes, but he shifted against Buck again, causing him to moan. Eddie didn’t have any issues that made him bad at sex. His problem was the opposite. He was way too damn good at it. “I’ve never felt like I do now.”
“Me neither.”
“Don’t bullshit me to make me feel better,” Eddie grumbled.
Buck shook his head before kissing him again, deeply, hard and long, wanting to show Eddie how much he meant it before pulling back.
“You mean more to me than anyone else I’ve ever been with. That makes all the stuff that normally feels good feel even better.”
“It does,” Eddie agreed. “Why do you think…?”
“Because I love you,” Buck answered simply.
He blinked slowly. “You…do?”
Buck grinned. “Yeah I do.”
Eddie whimpered quietly and pulled Buck close, strong arms wrapped tightly around him, surprisingly him and making him gasp just slightly.
It took him by surprise, but it didn’t scare him. It didn’t hurt. It felt good. It felt better than anything else ever had. He wondered for a split second if the surprise he felt was what Marisol had encountered. But none of that mattered anymore and he didn’t have to pretend to care about Eddie’s terrible choices with women. Because if he had anything to say about it, Eddie was his now.
“Show me…what else you did.” Buck whispered against Eddie’s mouth.
“What else I….” His eyes darkened further. “I…are you sure? I might not be any good at that. I’ve never done it before.”
Buck loved hearing that. He wanted Eddie on his knees. He wanted to teach him how it could be. He wanted to be the first—and only—one to see Eddie like this.
“I’ll help you,” Buck promised. “But, please, I—”
He had been about to beg, but Eddie fell gracefully to his knees and Buck had to draw in a shaky breath to calm himself.
His hands rested on Buck’s hips, looking up at him and biting his lip briefly before running his tongue over it. He wondered if Eddie even knew how irresistible he was; everything he did made Buck harder, throbbing behind the zipper of his jeans.
“What do I do?” He asked breathlessly.
“Did you always like being on your knees when you did this for girls?”
Eddie’s cheeks were pink and his eyes were dark. “Yeah.”
“I bet you never got any complaints.” He gave an eye roll. “Until last time, anyway. You look so fucking good down there.”
“I…I like doing it. And I think I’m gonna it like this even more.”
The words cut through him, almost as though Eddie had actually touched him. And Jesus, he hadn’t expected Eddie to be so quick to respond, considering he hated talking about this sort of thing.
“Yeah?” He wanted to hear more.
Eddie didn’t disappoint. He cleared his throat, eyes moving back and forth between Buck’s dick, hard as fuck behind his zipper, and his face.
“One time, Shannon and I…sorry.” The way he apologized, Buck wondered if someone had gotten onto him for it before.
“It’s ok, go ahead. I wanna hear.”
And he did. It wasn’t always great to hear about a past partner while fooling around, especially not one as complicated as Shannon. But if it was relevant to the situation, Buck definitely wanted to know. He wanted to know everything, it didn’t matter who it was with.
Buck could get jealous, like anyone else, but more often than not, it just turned him on. Watching sex, hearing sex, talking about sex. He loved it.
“Well, she always liked it like this.” He indicated their position, and Buck nodded.
“So, one time, we were like this and she was really into it. She grabbed the back of my head and held on and she was….” He took in a deep breath, and he moved his hands up and down Buck’s thighs. “Moving her hips and grinding against me and it was like she was….”
“Fucking your face?”
He drew in another ragged breath and nodded. “I wanted it…I liked thinking about it.”
Buck was throbbing, painful in his jeans.
“God, Eddie. You’re so good at this and we haven’t even started yet.”
He looked up with wide eyes, seeming hopeful and almost desperate for what he wanted. Buck took Eddie’s jaw gently in his hand to keep him looking up.
“You want it?”
“Yes. Please.”
“Then unzip my jeans and pull them down. Boxers, too.”
He wanted to keep eye contact, but he was too curious to see Eddie’s reaction to his dick. He was unsure about a lot in his life, but impressing people with the size of his dick was something he always felt one hundred percent confident in.
He typically got the same responses from every person he’d been with. Guys, girls; it didn’t matter. Reactions came in two forms. Impressed or terrified.
As he unzipped Buck’s jeans, he took a breath, and if possible, his eyes got wider, and his lips parted as he moaned. And that was probably the best reaction Buck ever gotten, and Eddie hadn’t even really seen anything yet.
“Oh god, Buck.” He inched closer on his knees. “Please, I need it.”
He wanted to tell Eddie that he didn’t need to beg or plead or ask permission. He felt like he should be the one doing that, because, Jesus, Eddie was gorgeous and perfect and Buck loved getting to see him this way.
When Eddie’s shaking hands pulled at the waistband of his jeans and boxers, he held his breath and waited.
“Buck….”
“Yeah?”
Eddie’s face was inches away from his dick, and he was trying hard not to move things along too quickly. He wanted Eddie to take things at his own pace; this was brand new for him.
He pushed Buck’s jeans and boxers down to his ankles, the palms of his hands against his skin leaving a trail of heat as they went.
“I’m not sure if I know what I’m doing,” he told Buck quietly.
His hands slid back up Buck’s legs and Buck knew that. Buck knew he was a little out of his element, but he had a pretty good feeling about it.
Part of him wanted to grab the back of Eddie’s head and slide in deep and fuck his face until he couldn’t breathe, but he figured that might be kind of scary for a first time kind of thing.
“I don’t care,” Buck promised. “This…you….” Jesus, he couldn’t even form the words. “Just seeing you is enough.”
Eddie cocked his head and raised an eyebrow.
“Just this, huh? That’s all it would take?”
“You underestimate how much fun it would be to jerk off onto your face.”
He hadn’t meant to go there, but it was true, and if the look on Eddie’s face was any indication, he liked the idea.
“Sorry,” he offered, just in case Eddie was actually offended.
“No, I…. That’s…can we….”
They definitely could, and if Eddie didn’t use his mouth soon Buck was going to take matters into his own hands and that might be exactly what would happen.
“We can do whatever you want. But, let’s see if you like doing this first. You might not like having cum all over your face. Lots of people aren’t a fan, trust me.”
He looked like he wanted to say something else, but he shook his head slightly, reaching up tentatively and wrapping a hand around the base of his cock.
“This is…you’re…wow.”
Impressed and not terrified, then. He could work with that. Buck grinned.
“Thanks. Do you want me to talk you through it or…?”
“I know what to do. I mean, I…I know from personal experience, I guess. I think I know what to do. But, I like hearing you talk. So, please, go ahead.”
That was a dangerous thing to tell him, and he let Eddie know. “You like hearing me talk?”
Eddie moved his hand up and down slowly, watching Buck move through his loosely fisted hand.
“As if you didn’t know that. I love hearing you talk. You could find a fucking phone book to read out of and I’d be right here to listen.”
“Right there? On your knees?” He grinned down at Eddie, who rolled his eyes.
“Yeah. Probably.”
His touch was exploratory, careful, controlled, and Buck let him do what he needed to do to get comfortable.
“This is pretty different from what you’re used to.”
Eddie laughed. “Pretty different?” His grip tightened and Buck took a breath. “Very different,” he agreed. He looked fascinated. “And…so much better.”
“You like it better?”
Eddie nodded.
He couldn’t help but reach down and run his fingers through Eddie’s hair, something he’d always wanted to do. He watched him run his tongue over his bottom lip, and Buck inhaled sharply, expectantly.
“If it’s bad…just…tell me how to fix it, ok? I can do better.”
He shook his head, about to tell Eddie that it was pretty hard to give bad head. Unless teeth got overly involved, but before he could say it, he felt the tip of Eddie’s tongue against his skin.
His fingers tightened in Eddie’s hair without him realizing it at first.
He still had his fist wrapped around the base, and his mouth closed around the head.
“Fuck. Eddie….”
When he moved down slowly, Buck took a breath to keep himself still. He didn’t want to push forward and choke him; that would scare him away for sure.
The hand that Eddie didn’t have wrapped around him came up to where Buck’s rested on his head, and the pressure against his hand told Buck what he wanted: for Buck to be more forceful.
Still tentative, Buck’s fingers tightened in his hair, and he used a little pressure, holding on gently.
Eddie opened his mouth wider, and Buck felt him moan around his cock, the suction getting stronger. Jesus. Ok, so that was good.
Really good.
He wasn’t used to being someone’s first blowjob…he probably had been at some point but it had been a really long time.
But Eddie was a natural, and that was kind of driving him even more crazy.
His best friend, who he’d always assumed was very straight until just…well…now, was doing absolutely perfect.
He’d thought about this before. And maybe….
“Eddie?”
Eddie hummed around him, and Buck swore quietly at the sensation. He looked up, wide-eyed and cheeks hollowed around him and fuck he looked good.
“Did you think about this before? With a guy? With me?”
Eddie’s eyes closed, his lashes fluttered against his cheekbones and he gave the slightest nod.
He had to hold himself back from thrusting harder into the wet heat of Eddie’s month. But Eddie didn’t miss the way his fingers flexed harder in his hair, and his eyes met Buck’s, darkening.
It was new for them, but being able to read one another, communicating without words, that wasn’t. And Buck knew what that look meant.
He bit his tongue to keep from telling Eddie to let him know to stop if he needed him to. Because he didn’t need to tell him that. He knew.
One hand resting on the back of Eddie’s head, the other coming down to gently grip his jaw and he held firmly while he shifted his hips forward into perfect, wet heat.
“Eddie.”
His eyes were watering, but he looked happy as he stared into Buck’s eyes.
“You look fucking perfect like this.”
Like he’d done it a million times, Eddie breathed through his nose and took Buck deeper.
It was too much when he felt Eddie swallow around him and he had to take a deep breath of his own.
“Eddie…. Eddie. You’ve gotta…you should stop. We shouldn’t…. I don’t wanna—Eddie, fuck!”
All of Buck’s protesting just seemed to make Eddie work harder, and it was wrong of him to want to come down Eddie’s throat the very first time they did this, but it was all he could think about.
“If you aren’t comfortable swallowing, you really better pull off right now,” he spoke through gritted teeth.
Eddie doubled his efforts, and Buck gave up trying to pull him away, giving in and submitting fully to the feeling.
He yelled out Eddie’s name again as he came and Eddie just breathed out his nose slowly once again, swallowing carefully around him, drinking all of him down without complaint.
He was glad he was leaned up against the wall because he needed the support. He closed his eyes.
“Well. That went a lot better than it did the last time I tried to do this with someone.”
Of course Eddie would crack jokes while Buck was possibly dying from the best blowjob he’d ever received.
He opened his eyes and looked down. Eddie was grinning up at him, looking pleased with himself. When he met Buck’s eyes, he licked his lips and that pulled another moan from him.
“You sure that’s the first time you’ve done that?” He finally managed to ask.
Eddie laughed. “Yeah…first time I’ve ever gotten to. I’ve thought about it a lot. With you.”
“Just me?”
Eddie shrugged. “No. Not just you. But mostly you since we’ve met. I never really thought you’d wanna let me do it.”
A stupid thought, honestly, because he only wanted Eddie to do it ever.
“You did a good job.” His brain still wasn’t working, because that was an understatement.
“Thanks.”
Eddie glanced at his definitely not softening dick. He reached down and pulled his boxers back up but left his jeans unbuttoned.
“I wasn’t done with that,” Eddie told him with a frown.
He sputtered out an unexpected laugh. “You’re done with it until I get you off.”
“Oh.” The words sunk in and his eyebrows rose. “Oh? You wanna…you could…you can. Yeah. Please.”
“Do I want to? Are you kidding? Eddie…you’re not gonna give me the best blowjob I’ve ever had and then not let me reciprocate.”
“You don’t have to lie,” Eddie scoffed. “I know you’re trying to boost my confidence and all, but—”
“Do I lie to you on a regular basis? Have I ever lied to you that you can think of?”
Eddie shrugged. “I don’t know. I don’t guess.”
“Why would I lie about this then?”
“To make me feel better.”
In Eddie’s defense, Buck would do just about anything to make him happy, reassure him, and make him feel good about himself. In this instance, though, he didn’t have to.
He reached for Eddie’s hands, and pulled him up. Once he had him eye-level again, he kissed him, and Eddie practically fell apart against him when he licked into his mouth.
“That’s so hot,” he mumbled once Buck pulled back a little.
“What is?”
“Kissing after. I liked to—I always liked to, but it didn’t happen very often. Usually, they wouldn’t swallow and so I couldn’t…. I, uh, I like the taste.”
Buck nodded a few times, dazed by the confession that Eddie liked to taste his own cum in his partner’s mouth after they swallowed.
“We can. I like it, too. I like it a lot. Not only is your mouth amazing, but you wanna taste it afterward, too? Jesus Christ, Eddie, you’re too good to be true.”
The look on his face had Buck wondering if he still didn’t believe him, that he was just trying to make him feel better, but for some reason, he smiled.
“You know, you must know I really care about you if you think I’m willing to do all this just to cheer you up and prove a point.”
“You do,” Eddie told him with a shrug. “Of course you do.”
“At least you’ve got that part right.”
Buck kissed him again, letting Eddie explore his mouth as much as he wanted. When they were both breathless, he dropped to his knees and Eddie watched him silently.
“This is ok, too, right?”
He nodded, and Buck smiled. If this was anyone else, this would be by far one of the weirder sexual encounters he’d had. But it was Eddie, and for some reason it made sense. It felt familiar and comfortable and new and exciting all at once. Of course it did.
He unbuttoned and unzipped Eddie’s jeans, and pulled them down to his knees, loving how hard he was in his boxer briefs.
He couldn’t help but lean in as close as possible, shoving his face into Eddie’s crotch and inhaling deeply, licking up his entire length through his underwear.
A shocked moan was pulled from Eddie, and he gasped Buck’s name.
The head of Eddie’s cock was damp with precum and Buck sucked it into his mouth through the fabric.
“Buck!” Eddie gasped again.
Buck looked up at him then, raising an eyebrow. “What?”
“Don’t tease. Do it.”
He couldn’t exactly argue with that. He pulled Eddie’s boxers down and wrapped his hand around him, stroking up and down once before leaning in and and taking him in his mouth as deep as could.
He heard a noise and looked to see that Eddie had thrown his head back against the wall, as well as balled up one of his fists and hit it against the drywall.
No need for that, Buck reached up and took his hand, putting it on the back of his head.
It wasn’t really a secret that Buck loved sex. He liked it pretty much however he could get it, and he had wondered what it would be like with Eddie for a long time. He’d never imagined he’d get to find out, but Eddie was unreal and he wanted this to be an good as possible for him.
This was something he knew he could do. He knew he was good at it, and he knew the person he was with would like it.
But with Eddie, it was more. It had to be, because it wouldn’t ever just be sex with them. It couldn’t just be some physical thing that by nature or genetics or whatever reason he happened to be good at.
He wanted to give Eddie everything he’d ever wanted and never been given during sex. But when they were finished he wanted to hold him and talk and tell him that he loved him.
Because he did. He probably always had. And maybe this wasn’t the best way to begin bringing up the fact that he wanted a real relationship with Eddie, but it happened this way, and he wasn’t about to stop it.
Where he’d tried his best to be careful with Eddie, not pulling his hair too hard, not forcing his head forward, Eddie wasn’t exactly giving him the same treatment and he was thrilled.
He liked things a little rough and dirty, and Eddie’s fingernails biting into his scalp as he tugged him forward onto his dick was making him hard again.
“Buck. Jesus. That’s so good.”
He wasn’t careful, and he didn’t ask if what he was doing was ok, and Buck preferred it that way.
He looked up, and Eddie was looking back down at him with wild eyes. He could tell that this was something that they’d both needed. They had both probably wanted it for a long time.
He wasn’t always the most confident when it came to thinking he was worth keeping around, for more than sex anyway, but he had a pretty good feeling that Eddie wanted him.
He gripped onto Eddie’s hips and encouraged his movement, opening his throat as best as he could to take as much as Eddie wanted to give him.
He already couldn’t wait to do this again. Hopefully they could both be naked, maybe in bed. He wanted to touch Eddie all over, kiss him as much as he wanted to, taste him, and then…if Eddie were open to the idea, fuck him.
Buck doubled his efforts at the thought of being inside Eddie. The gorgeous, thick cock currently in Buck’s mouth twitched at the sensation, and he moaned loudly, forcing Buck so roughly that he did almost gag. His hands on Eddie’s hips relaxed and he slid one hand around the back of his thigh, slipping carefully between his legs.
Eddie twitched harder, moaned Buck’s name and shifted back against the finger that was tracing gently over his hole.
Buck drew in a breath as the pressure in his throat lessened and Eddie was panting for him not to stop what he was doing.
There was no chance of that, and Buck was grateful Eddie was enjoying it so much, because he would’ve been devastated to have to stop now that he’d gotten a taste. Anyone who hadn’t wanted Eddie was clearly an idiot, and as soon as his mouth wasn’t full, he intended to tell him just that.
He had to be careful and not hurt Eddie, so he didn’t want to put a finger in him dry. He pulled his hand away, earning him a sweet, high-pitched whine in protest.
Buck shoved his finger in his mouth next to Eddie’s dick, covering it with enough spit to get an easy slide going.
Eddie sighed in contentment when he put his finger back, a gentle, teasing touch, and he wanted to know if this was entirely new to him. Was he the first person to touch him like this? Had Eddie done it himself before?
When he shifted his hips back harder than before, Buck’s finger was inside him to the knuckle.
Ok, so that made it seem like it probably wasn’t the first time. And Eddie being so responsive and needy and goddamn hot wasn’t surprising, but knowing he’d had fingers in his ass before was quite possibly the best thing that had ever happened to Buck.
He wanted to give him the praise he deserved, tell him how perfect he was and how good he was going to take his cock later, how amazing it was when he sucked him off and swallowed all of his cum.
He knew he would never get enough of this.
The connection they had in all other ways in life had naturally spilled over into this, the best sex he’d ever had.
He fucked Eddie gently with his finger and let him use his mouth, and he didn’t disappoint as he came hard, yelling Buck’s name, holding onto his hair with one hand, and reaching back for Buck’s wrist with the other to control the finger he was writhing on.
Buck swallowed every drop and gently slid his finger free. Eddie whimpered quietly. When he sat back, he looked up to admire the gorgeous picture of sated lust that Eddie made, leaned up against the wall, breathing heavy, his T-shirt still on, jeans and boxers pulled down, cock wet and shiny, and still half-hard.
“Is it always like that for you?” Buck asked finally.
Eddie opened his eyes and looked down, and he took in a big deep breath.
“What?”
Buck smiled.
“I’m sorry,” Eddie continued. “My ears are ringing. I kinda thought I was gonna pass out there for a second.”
“Is that good or bad? Is this how sex always is for you?”
“Good,” he answered resolutely. “It was so good I almost couldn’t believe it. And…no…that’s….”
He sighed. He slid down against the wall to be on the floor with Buck, and Buck moved to sit next to him. Eddie put an arm around him to bring him in closer.
“I always usually held back, I guess. Even with…with Shannon. I wanted to be careful with them, and be good to them. I wanted them to feel like they were enough. So maybe I’d believe they were enough. And it made me feel like an asshole because they weren’t.”
Buck nodded. He hadn’t quite expected to hash out Eddie’s identity right after them both getting off; especially considering that he kinda wanted to go to the bedroom for round two, but he calmed himself down so that he could behave for Eddie.
“Beautiful girls who wanted to please me sexually and I didn’t enjoy it like I should have.” He rolled his eyes at himself.
“Shannon tried. She tried really hard, and she was great. We had fun. I…I really loved her. But it was…you know. Not fair to her. ‘Cause I couldn’t really return those feelings the way she deserved. Love and friendship, and the mother of my child. I mean, if it wasn’t her, then no one else was going to even come close.”
Buck cleared his throat. “So, you always knew?”
He shrugged. “I couldn’t admit it to myself for a long time. And then it seemed like it was too late or it didn’t matter. I kept trying even though I knew.”
“Sure.”
Buck had always been looking for love and attention through sex, so he had no room to be judgmental.
“It’s been you since we met anyway. And I…I didn’t really think it was an option.”
Buck smiled. “Since we met?”
Eddie nodded and gave him a soft smile.
“Hmm. Well, it’s a shame that we’ve both got our heads so far up our asses. We could’ve been doing this a long time ago.”
Eddie chuckled quietly and reached for Buck’s hand.
“So you…had a pretty good time?”
Buck laughed. “Pretty good? Pretty good….” He laughed again. “I’ve had a lot of sex in my life, Eddie. And let me tell you…there was no fucking contest.”
“Ever?”
“Nope.”
Eddie looked a little skeptical. “Are you sure…?”
“Eddie…I’m thinking about fucking you as we speak. I’m just trying to be supportive and listen to you. I’m doing my best but….”
Eddie nodded once. “You…. I mean, you just don’t understand. I always thought there was something wrong with me. Always. And you’re so good at this. You’re like, famous for this.”
“Famous,” Buck scoffed.
“Very well known,” Eddie insisted. “I mean, it’s the first thing new recruits hear when they start at the 118.”
“Goddammit,” he muttered. “Seriously? Still?”
“See? You’re legendary.”
Eddie was cracking jokes, and that at least seemed better than him being self-deprecating.
“I’ll spend as much time as I have to to prove it to you. Let’s go in the bedroom and talk about it.”
“Talk about it, huh?”
“Yeah. Talk about my dick inside you. Sound good?”
Eddie stilled where he sat and the smile left his face, and Buck wanted to kick himself. It had been going so well, and he just had to go and push too far.
“Is that…something you want?”
“It doesn’t matter what I want. I want you to be comfortable and happy and satisfied. We never have to do that either way if you don’t want to.”
“No, I…I do. I really do, and I just never thought that anyone would understand that. Like I said, Shannon tried, but….”
“Shannon…what, offered to peg you?”
He scoffed. “No…she’d use her fingers every now and then, and she liked it. I mean, she liked my response to it, I guess. But it never went further than that. I should’ve asked her, but I was scared.”
“So no one knows but me?”
He nodded.
“Are you ok with people knowing? I mean….”
Buck wasn’t sure how he would cope if Eddie didn’t want to tell anyone. He would support him and he would do whatever he needed. But he would at least need Bobby to know. They couldn’t keep it from him, and that would make it pretty complicated at work, and then there was Maddie, who he’d never kept a secret from in his life. But then what about Christopher?
“No. I’m still scared, but…with you it’s different.”
He didn’t know if that was good or bad, and he was afraid to ask.
“I always promised myself that if I ever got lucky enough that you’d even possibly feel the same way I did, that I would finally tell everyone. So if you’re ok with it…I’d like everyone to know.”
Buck grinned and he pulled Eddie in for a kiss.
“I’m glad you said that, ‘cause it’s pretty unlikely I’d be able to keep it to myself.”
“Yeah?” Eddie seemed as goofy and delirious as he did over the possibility.
“I’m not even good at keeping my mouth shut about normal stuff. I think everyone would be able to tell that you were my boyfriend.” He looked at Eddie, and realized what he said. “I mean. Whatever you wanna call it.”
Eddie blushed even more than he had when they’d first been talking about sex and Buck couldn’t believe how sweet he found it.
“You’d want that?” He asked.
He cocked his head. “Eddie. Of course.”
“That’s…that’s, um….” He smiled shyly, and Buck wanted to laugh at how precious it was that Eddie had gradually gotten more comfortable with what they’d been doing and talking about as far as sex was concerned, but was all tongue-tied and unsure about Buck calling him his boyfriend.
“I love you, and…. I wanna be your boyfriend. So…that’s…that’s really good news.”
“It is really good news,” Buck agreed. “So…now could we go to the bedroom?”
“Oh. Yeah. I think we should.”
Eddie was silly and goofy and endlessly endearing and Buck couldn’t wait for everyone to know that he was his.