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Han Yujin is five years old when he can remember his daily life.
He’s the adoptive son of the Sung family. He wasn’t quite sure when the adoption happened, but he knows that this is his home.
He has a brother named Sung Hanbin. He calls him his brother and has always ran to him for support even though they’ve never shared a last name. He was okay with it, not sharing a last name that is, because he knew family wasn’t dictated by if they were blood-related but rather their lived experiences.
The two were six years apart, but Yujin didn’t think Hanbin had ever cared. He was five, and Hanbin had been eleven, stringing the younger along with his friends when they had group hangouts, or when he would leave school early just to walk Yujin back home from his school. Somehow, his parents never had the time to, resulting in Hanbin filling in the gaps.
Yujin has always been regarded as smart. When he turned six, he distinctly remembers the huge birthday his parents had thrown for him. It was March, and he could barely multiply two numbers with one another, yet his parents had done lengthy speeches to describe the moment, inviting the neighboring families living in their community for attendance, and the banquet hall they had rented to celebrate him. He was smart enough to know it came from a place of love, at least he likes to think it did, but for some reason he couldn’t bring himself to enjoy it.
Maybe it’s because a couple months later it would be Hanbin’s twelfth birthday, and the two would spend it alone in Hanbin’s room. Their parents had hastily planned a business trip, and were gone approximately two weeks before Hanbin’s birthday. Hanbin had bought a cake himself, ruffling his younger brother’s hair to reassure him it was okay.
“I like it like this.” Hanbin had said, his voice was quiet, and even though Yujin was young, he could still notice the way the older’s eyes would pass over to the picture of their parents he had propped out onto his desk-top.
Ever since then, Yujin thinks Hanbin has grown quieter.
He didn’t inherently change, no, there was nothing that Yujin could say had really changed. He still looked the same, and treated him the same, maybe even softer than before. But something was off.
As the older transitioned to high school, he stopped eating dinner with the whole family. His parents hadn’t spoken much of a word about it, claiming it would be normal, a teenager’s rebellious years they had said, and passed it off as nothing more than a mere moment. Yujin would find himself finishing his dinner alone at the table. His parents would clean up the moment they were done eating, and immediately retreat into their respective rooms.
Yujin would use this as an opportunity, almost every night without fail, he’d take whatever he wasn't finished eating and run into Hanbin’s room. From there, the two brothers would talk and giggle about their lives. On quiet days, Hanbin would put on a show for Yujin to watch and work on his homework while Yujin would eat from the small futon that coveted the empty corner of his room.
Yujin loved his brother’s room. It screamed him, and it actually seemed lived in, in comparison to the rest of their home. Hanbin had scattered the wall with postcards, notes from his friends, and photos he’s taken from his high school years. There were posters of idols, singers, dancers, and some actors that Yujin didn’t know. Though his parents would often chide Hanbin and say that his room was messy, Yujin didn’t agree, it looked more homely than any area in their house.
Yujin would take notice of Hanbin’s friends in the pictures scattered across the wall. The same two people popping up in photos from when Hanbin was as young as eleven, to now, when he was eighteen. He had met them when Hanbin would bring him along out the house, Gyuvin and Matthew. They seemed to accompany Hanbin more in the photos than their own parents.
There’s a picture on his desk that sits next to the framed photo of their parents, and it’s Hanbin’s graduation. He’s smiling in the photo, but to Yujin it doesn’t quite look real. The two friends stood next to him, both holding on two bouquets of flowers, likely from their parents, and Hanbin had held onto one bouquet. Yujin had been the one to take the photo and gift him the very array of flowers that sat in his grasp in the photo. At twelve years old, he had boarded the train to Hanbin’s high school to watch him graduate.
His parents had fussed about the whole ordeal, claiming that Yujin was too young to ride the train by himself but Yujin had pointed out that Hanbin had done it before in middle school. Their parents had freezed at the comment, and eventually reluctantly let Yujin attend while they were away at work.
“You can move into it.” Hanbin would tell him as he’s working on his paperwork for college and Yujin would marvel at the new additions Hanbin had added to the walls, “When I move out for college, you can move in if you’d like.”
Yujin would grimace at the idea, hauling all of his stuff from his small bedroom that sat adjacent from the older’s seemed like a hassle, but he wasn’t against the idea. He liked it, having a piece of his brother when he would be so far from home.
“What are you filling out?” He had finished his bowl of food and already ran it outside to their kitchen sink and was returning to Hanbin’s room.
Hanbin turned around in his chair, the light from the desk the only thing illuminating the room. He flashed Yujin his usual smile, the one that didn’t quite reach his eyes and was soft. It’s the one that he always gave Yujin.
“Just things for college, like what I want to study, dorming and everything.” He grabbed the paper and handed it towards his younger brother, “You want to look?”
Yujin quickly shook his head, “No, it’ll stress me out.”
Hanbin chuckled softly at his response, reaching out a hand to ruffle his hair, “Hey, no need to stress about college now. Yujin-ie you’re only twelve.”
Yujin dismissed his comment and continued asking him questions about college despite claiming it stresses him out.
“What do you want to study?”
Hanbin’s face fell a little at the question, but he continued nonetheless.
“Mom’s always saying I should study business, so I can help out with the company and whatnot.” He made a shush-ing sign with his hand and winked at Yujin, “But I want to study to become a teacher. You can keep that a secret from Mom, can’t you?”
Yujin nodded aggressively, and a secret he did keep.
Hanbin moved out two days before his new school year started.
Yujin felt weird. He was alone in the house for the first time in a long time and it felt emptier than ever. The room that used to always have its lights on, Hanbin’s, had grown dim.
Yujin had opted against it, moving into Hanbin’s room. He wanted his older brother to know that he always had a space at home. If college got hard, he would always have a place to return to. So Yujin kept the space clean, tidying it up when the room would get dusty, or even doing his homework at the desk to really drink in the whole room.
Hanbin attended Yonsei University with Gyuvin and Matthew, it was only an hour long drive away from home, and an hour thirty train ride, but it was the furthest Hanbin’s ever been from Yujin. The four had created a group chat, Hanbin wanting to keep his younger brother in the loop of his life, and would regularly update him with pictures and texts about his life.
It was about a month and a half into the school year when the trio’s pictures seemed to have a new addition: Zhang Hao.
Hanbin had sent a photo to the group chat, adding a message, ‘meet our new friend!’
Yujin would click on the photo and zoom in. It’s Gyuvin and Matthew laying on a booth seat, the four guys seeming to have grabbed hotpot after an exam, and next to Hanbin in the booth was a new face. He was beautiful, Yujin wasn’t blind, and he was holding on two chopsticks that he held behind Hanbin’s head like they were antlers.
Hanbin was holding the phone, holding it at a selfie-angle, and he was smiling. Yujin confirmed this was a real smile, one he hadn’t seen in a very long time. His eyes crinkled at the ends, and the whisker-like dimples on his cheeks were present. His eyes were twinkling and Yujin quickly texted back,
‘Hyung, who is that?’
To say he was curious would be an understatement. In the hundreds of photos that decorated Hanbin’s room, Yujin can’t exactly recall if any of them had Hanbin’s grin etched into his face like this.
He could see him typing and another message popped up. This time it wasn’t a text, but rather a voice message. He held the phone close to his ear and pressed play.
“I’m Zhang Hao, you can just call me Hao.” His voice was musical. It wasn’t deep nor high-pitched, a strange middle zone, and it was soft, unlike his striking features. There was some rustling, and he could hear his brother’s voice in the background, “Hao hyung give me my phone back!”, and the voice message immediately cut out.
Hnabin was laughing throughout the entire conversation, another thing Yujin hadn’t heard in months, and he felt himself let out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding. Hanbin seemed a lot happier in college, and he was happy for him.
Though Yujin was a bit upset he couldn’t see his brother until fall break, he didn’t mind all that much. The emptiness of the house slowly lifted as he found his parents beginning to be home more often. They had closed out this large business deal that had been in the works for the past couple years, and were at a point where they were considering retirement. To spend their time, Yujin would find himself going out on shopping trips with his parents, the amusement park, and lunch out at the mall. He was twelve and he was having new experiences he had never had when he was younger, and more crucially, with Hanbin.
It was the end of October when Hanbin visited home. But to Yujin’s surprise, he didn’t come home alone.
To some extent Yujin expected Hanbin to come home with others, like Gyuvin and Matthew who lived within the community with them, considering they had grown up as a trio together. But it all came a bit more shocking when Yujin heard the doorbell ring and he opened the door to an unfamiliar face.
Zhang Hao.
He bowed so quickly Yujin almost didn’t recognize him.
“Oh who is this?”
He heard his mom call over his shoulder. She was wearing an apron and cooking for Hanbin’s return from college. She seemed a lot more attentive of their schedule’s ever since she announced her and his dad’s retirement plans.
“Oh mom!” Hanbin’s voice carried from the front porch, he was holding onto a backpack, one Yujin swore he’d never seen before, let alone how he had brought it to college, and a suitcase that Yujin recognized as the old battered one that sat in his old room.
“This is Zhang Hao, a friend I made in class.” He explained hastily as he passed the backpack over to Hao. Oh, so it was Hao hyung’s, Yujin thought to himself.
“He’s an international student and didn’t have anywhere to go for fall break, it’s okay if he stays with us, right?” He flashed a smile at his mom, and Yujin realized it was back. The fake smile that Hanbin had used before he left for university. Yujin quietly watches his mom and Hanbin exchange words, wondering what exactly changed.
“Of course he can stay!” His mom had chorused, she was immediately baby-ing Hao, “Would you like me to roll out a spare futon for him?” She asked, wiping her hands on her apron as she spoke.
“Oh no, he’ll just stay in my room. I still have that futon.” Hanbin explained, him and Hao shared a look that Yujin couldn’t quite put a finger on. Hanbin wore an expression that he had never seen before, he wanted to talk to Hao about it because it seems the core of why Hanbin’s face can twist and be so full of expression was because of Hao. But regardless, despite the fact Hanbin was changing into a person Yujin didn’t really know, the bittersweet feeling quickly flipped to joy when he saw how much happier Hanbin had seemed.
He had dyed his hair, much to Yujin’s surprise. From the soft brown that he used to make fun of his brother for looking like a mushroom, to a light ashy blonde. It was jarring compared to his past, and Yujin wondered how Hanbin had looked like he had grown up so much in such a short amount of time.
“You’re Yujin right?” Hao’s voice broke his train of thought, Yujin turning towards the source of the noise. He nodded, feeling a little shy meeting one of his brother’s new friends. Hao was almost everything Yujin had expected him to be. His hair was a dark brown that fell onto his forehead, he was about the same height as Hanbin, debatably a little taller, and had a slim build. His features were as striking as what Yujin had seen in the picture, but if anything, he looked even prettier in person.
“Hanbin’s told me so much about you.” Hao grinned, he used a hand to ruffle Yujin’s hair, a habit that Hanbin used to always do to him, “It’s nice to finally meet you.” and then the two scurried off into Hanbin’s room saying they had to unpack, Hanbin not forgetting to run his hand through Yujin’s hair as well and shooting him a knowing look.
Yujin knows that look. It’s one of the looks Hanbin gave him when he told him his secret of studying to become a teacher, it was also the same look he gave him when he snuck them out to meet Gyuvin and Matthew without telling their parents. It meant there was a secret to be shared, and Yujin was patient enough to wait for Hanbin to explain when he was ready.
It was dinner-time when Yujin saw the two again. They had spent much of the afternoon locked in Hanbin’s room, a mixture of the two’s laughter often being heard from outside. Yujin was always curious to what they could’ve been talking about, because again, it was a sound that he had rarely heard before Hanbin had left for Yonsei University.
They had seated themselves next to each other at the table. It was Yujin, his mom, his dad, and the two huddled around a table that was used to being occupied by one or two people, feeling a bit crowded. Though the people huddled around it didn’t seem to mind, Yujin for one would not complain. He can’t seem to remember the day they had all sat together at the table to eat a meal together in so long. In the past, his parents were always busy with work, and then when they weren’t, Hanbin was off at college.
The dinner mostly consisted of his parents asking Hao basic questions like,
“Where are you from?”
“What are you studying?”
In which Hao would respond accordingly, giving context when necessary,
“Fujian, China, and I’m studying for a degree in education. I’ve always wanted to be a teacher.”
Yujin looked up from his food at the answer, searching Hanbin’s gaze. He saw a familiar fire in the older’s eyes, and he knew they must’ve bonded over that shared interest. Yujin did his best to stay quiet through the conversation in hopes he wouldn’t accidentally blurt out that Hanbin also had always wanted to be a teacher.
He watched as Hao answered each question his parents fired at him, at one point it started feeling like an interrogation, and he guessed Hanbin felt the same way when he started to ask questions back to his parents about their lives. Their jobs, retiring, and how they were doing in their spare time.
Yujin would watch the two who were listening attentively to the parent’s responses, failing to notice his watching eyes. He saw Hanbin pick up a dish of roasted duck, passing it closer to Hao without the other having to even utter a word. He saw Hao grab a chopstick-full of the chicken dish their mom had made and pick out the cilantro for Hanbin before placing it into his bowl. The two had done it all without once speaking to each other, let alone dropping their gaze from his parents.
“Oh Hanbin, I made Mapo tofu for you, you’re favorite.” His mom had piped up once the conversations had fallen to a stand-still, “Let me get some for you.”
She scooped at the pot, and before Yujin could speak he could hear Hao’s voice coming from beside Hanbin,
“Ah, he’s allergic to scallions.”
Hao pointed his finger to the garnish sprinkled over the dish and flashed the two parents a smile so blinding Yujin wondered if Hao had perhaps been an idol in his past life.
“Oh.” Her voice came out faint and she gave their dad a look. She sat back down and an awkward silence filled the room.
Yujin was sent for a loop. The thing was, he didn’t even know Hanbin couldn't eat scallions, let alone he was allergic. He never really saw Hanbin eat or studied him in that aspect, he didn't feel a need to. Before university, Hanbin ate in his room, away from the family, and when Yujin came after to his room, he was usually long done with whatever he had eaten.
He was confused, but also glad that someone had been paying attention to his older brother like that. He couldn't help but think how much Hao had to have eaten with Hanbin for him to pick it up, or maybe Hanbin had told him. It would've been odd though, because Hanbin wasn’t the type to tell people specifics about him that quickly.
The longest they could've known each other would be 2 months, and that'd be if, and only if, Hanbin had met Hao on the first day of school. Yujin was befuddled, beyond that really, because he knows who Hanbin really is.
Through the years of being his little brother, he can recall the first time Hanbin left Yujin alone with his two closest friends, Gyuvin and Matthew, since he had to stay after school as student council president and their parents had told Hanbin to look after Yujin. He was eleven at the time, and he really tried to convince his parents that Hanbin didn't have to watch over him at all times. Hanbin had grown up very much on his own, why couldn't Yujin? Yet they never budged, insistent that Hanbin had to watch over him, and explicitly told the older if anything happened to the younger, they’d have to have a talk. Yujin was old enough to know that having to talk, especially told in that tone, never meant something good.
Thus he left him in the care of his close friends. Well, in reality it was more like they pried Yujin from him, scolding him for taking on so much work at school, and taking on the role of being the student council president. Looking back on it, Yujin never realized how tired the older seemed, but the two were older, and they knew better. So he watched the two try to convince Hanbin to let them shoulder some responsibility with him, and eventually got him to exasperatedly agree. He took off in minutes, yelling how he was late for his meeting and shouting continuous thank you’s at his friends.
Gyuvin had fallen back into the chair, the three outside of a small ice cream place down the block from their school and he looks frustrated as he spoke animatedly to Matthew,
“I wish he told us more.” He had grumbled, stabbing his spoon into the fro-yo he had gotten as what he deemed ‘sweet treat of the day’.
Matthew had grimaced, “Me too, I feel like there’s so much more we could help him with.”
The two suddenly turned towards Yujin and he paused, his spoon full of fro-yo, cheesecake, and whipped cream, a mere 3 cm away from his lips.
“What. You want a bite?” Yujin had asked, waving his spoon at the two causing Matthew to snort in response and lean back into his chair.
“No, just wondering if Hanbin’s ever told you anything.”
Yujin shook his head in response. He’s young but he knows that when they said ‘anything’, it meant a little bit more than just anything, and probably hinting at something more.
“All hyung’s told me is that he became Student Council President and that he’s really excited for it.” Yujin hummed as he took another bite.
“Well we know that.” Gyuvin had added, “You know,” He looked up and now he was staring at Matthew as he spoke. Yujin knew this meant that the conversation was likely not directed at him and more at Matthew and he didn't pay much attention to the contents. But he was still curious.
“He always has these walls up.” Gyuvin sighed, stuffing his own face with his fro-yo.
“I know, and we’ve known him for what, six years now?” Matthew responded, “And I feel like I’ve only just broken through one barrier.”
Yujin knew exactly what they had been talking about. The trenches, as he liked to call it. Hanbin was extraverted, everyone in a 3 km radius could tell, but he was also extremely reserved. He didn’t like talking about himself and Yujin noticed when they would have conversations in his room after dinner and he would go to bed wondering what Hanbin did during the day. He wouldn’t say, he would talk a lot, but always in response to what Yujin would bring up. Hell, Yujin didn’t even have an inkling that Hanbin had wanted to be a teacher and study education until that day he told him.
Therefore, how Hao had been interacting with Hanbin was somewhat close to a spectacle to Yujin.
Yujin was observing the whole dinner. The quiet looks the two would exchange and the soft words they’d whisper to each other like kids sharing a secret during recess. Yujin watched Hanbin’s eyes twinkle at something Hao had said, words that Yujin had failed to catch, and he let out a throaty laugh. Yujin could feel his eyes widen at the noise, and one glance at his parents showed that they were surprised at such a noise as well.
He watched his mom’s eyes soften at it, and the way a small smile tinged at her lips when her eyes fell onto Hao’s.
“Hao, how did you and Hanbin meet?”
Her question hung in the air, the two’s quiet bickering falling mute. Hao had opened his mouth to answer, but Hanbin beat him to it.
“Me and Hao-hyung were randomly assigned roommates.” Hanbin began explaining, his eyes showing more emotion than what his voice carried, but Yujin noticed. He always notices.
“And we ended up finding out we shared a class together. Hao-hyung used to hate me.” Hanbin finished his sentence off in a teasing tone, turning towards Hao when he said it. His eyes held a sense of mischief. Hao immediately swatted at Hanbin’s shoulder as he continued the story in Hanbin’s stead.
“Yah, Bin-ah. I did not hate you. You just snore super loudly. You also never eat your egg yolks and that always freaked me out.” Hao pointed at Hanbin accusingly as he spoke. Yujin flinched a little at the nickname, he had never, not once in his life, heard someone call Hanbin so endearingly.
“Hey, you also snore really loudly!” Hanbin interjects. Yujin watches the entire interaction bemused. It’s one of the few moments he saw Hanbin so full of expression, and not just expression, but also life.
They continued like that for the rest of dinner, Yujin quietly adding a couple words here and there, but ultimately tried his best to keep the focus on his brother. As much as he hated to admit it, this was the most Hanbin had talked about himself, period. Yujin found it fascinating, it felt like he was seeing a whole nother side of his hyung, and at some point, he started to not know what exactly he was feeling anymore.
Hao had suddenly stood up, declaring he was done eating and helping their family move plates and dishes to the kitchen. It was the first moment Hao had seemed to leave to Hanbin’s side.
To Yujin’s surprise, Hanbin looked distraught. The older kept doing whatever he could to keep Hao in his line of sight, staying beside him and offering to help with things he’s never done before. Yujin saw Hanbin’s gaze, and Yujin can say it was another first for him. It was the first time he’s ever seen in someone’s gaze how badly they didn’t want to lose someone.
Hanbin wasn’t someone Yujin would say he could read like an open-book. Unlike Matthew or Gyuvin who Yujin could almost always guess what they were thinking, Hanbin was always harder to understand, harder to crack.
But with Hao, in the few hours that he had been in their home, it felt like Hanbin had begun to wear his heart on his sleeve. Yujin could see every thought, every emotion hidden within his gaze. The way it would soften around the edges when Hao entered the room, or when he left the room and suddenly they were on guard and flashed the familiar coal color it used to hold.
It was only when Hao returned from his third trip to the kitchen bringing dishes from the table to the sink did it finally click within Yujin. Hao had been wearing Hanbin’s jacket, and he had to stifle the laugh that he almost let out. What a duo.
Hanbin isn’t home again until winter break.
Yujin hears snippets of his life through the continued messages he sends him, but they gradually slow down as his university life gets busier. Not just Hanbin, but Yujin as well, his schoolwork increasing slowly as his teachers preach how this would prepare them for their transition to high school.
Hanbin calls home for the first time in the muddled month of November. His mom is delighted to hear him call, immediately picking it up and chatting. Yujin finds himself listening in as he sits in their living room. He’s doing his reading homework, flipping and sifting through the pages for his next reading check, but the contents are long forgotten as he tunes in.
He can only faintly hear Hanbin’s responses through the phone, mainly the voice he was hearing was his mom’s.
“Oh, how is university?”
The questions go back and forth when suddenly Yujin hears his mom’s voice rising, it’s a tone that he’s heard before. She sounds condescending and an accusatory question shoots out of her mouth,
“You’re majoring in education?” She sounds incredulous, like she can’t believe the words that came out of Hanbin’s mouth, “What about business? What about everything me and your father planned for you? Are you going to throw it all away?”
Yujin felt his insides churn hearing the conversation take a mellow turn, the book abandoned as he sits up straighter trying his best to hear Hanbin’s response.
“Mom,” It comes out so muffled and quiet that Yujin almost doesn’t catch it, “Please let me do something for myself for once.”
His mom goes silent, and Yujin can hear the phone click signaling that Hanbin had hung up, not bothering to hear her reply.
Yujin can feel his own phone suddenly buzzing, and he looks down to see a new chat message pop up in the groupchat. He unlocks his phone to see Hanbin had sent a new photo to him, a picture of him at a cafe with the caption ‘finally some down time!’. He likely took it right after his phone call with their mom.
Yujin takes note that the familiar backpack that Hao had brought to their house during fall break sits on the empty seat next to Hanbin.
Hanbin still visits during winter break.
This time he isn’t accompanied by anyone. At first, it feels awkward, the air around his mom and Hanbin that is, but it quickly eases when their mom flashes Hanbin a gentle smile, the motherly smile that’s slowly adorned her face since talks of retirement. Yujin can see Hanbin visibly relax at the action, and grab his mom’s hand to help her with whatever household chore she was managing.
“Oh mom, Hao hyung is coming tomorrow.” Hanbin had said, “He had an exam today but I decided to head back earlier today.” He explained.
“That’s perfectly okay, we loved having him here last break.” Their mom had a look in her eyes as she reached up to softly pat at Hanbin’s hair, “Please tell him he’s always welcome here.”
Hanbin grinned back at his mom, the real smile.
“Of course.”
“You’ve grown so tall.” She takes note as she pulls Hanbin into a tight hug.
“You’ve grown so much.” She adds softly, it was likely meant for just Hanbin to hear, but Yujin can hear it. The ever-so-soft words that were reserved between the two of them.
They break apart and Hanbin immediately turns toward Yujin to envelope him into another tight hug, “How have you been, my favorite dongsaeng.”
“Good.” Yujin’s voice comes out muffled from burying his face into his older brother’s shoulder, “It’s been so long.”
“It has.” Hanbin sighs as he lets go.
Yujin finally has the time to get a good look at his brother. He seems to have lost weight, the same sweater that he had worn long before college seems to hang a little more loosely around him. His hair was still the same ashy blonde as before, but his eyes had small crinkles etched next to them. Yujin believes it’s because his brother has been smiling more.
Their mom quickly explains that she has to grab groceries for dinner tonight. She claimed she had to make something big to celebrate Hanbin coming home, as well as planning a bigger meal for when Hao would return the next day.
“Want to go to my room? We can talk like before.” Hanbin suggested. He pulled a large suitcase in through the door as he spoke, this time the backpack sat atop the suitcase.
“Isn’t that Hao hyung’s?” Yujin blurts out, pointing at the backpack that seems to keep showing up.
Hanbin laughs softly at the question, Yujin can definitely, and more confidently say that those lines around his brother’s eyes has to be from how much more laughing the older one has been doing.
“Yes, he says he was too lazy to carry it himself on the train tomorrow.” Hanbin rolled his eyes playfully at Yujin, “He’s a pain in the ass.” Then he shushed Yujin who looked like he was about to say something, “Don’t tell Hao-hyung I said that.”
Yujin nodded, he was good at keeping secrets.
The two ended up in the same positions they were in before Hanbin had left for college. Yujin settled in on his futon and Hanbin sat at his desk chair, the two having small conversations about their lives. Yujin would ask him about his classes, how the teachers were, and how the exams were. He secretly had a long list of questions he had saved for this moment.
Hanbin had asked him about middle school, how much he liked Hao-hyung coming over, and if it would be okay to add Hao into the group chat that they shared. Yujin would nod in response, choosing not to mention how Hanbin had somehow circled the conversation back to Hao in some shape or form.
Suddenly Hanbin stood up, grabbed his phone, and ran out the door and told Yujin, “Give me one second, I gotta pick up this phone call.”
Yujin watches as Hanbin slides on a pair of slippers before heading out onto the balcony to pick up the call.
He heard Hanbin let out a laugh, one so loud and musical that Yujin could feel himself freeze. Hanbin was having many firsts in their home, and Yujin couldn’t help but want to hear what was causing it. Curious, Yujin followed him and decided to sit on the couch beside the glass balcony door to listen in.
“Hao hyung, you’re so weird.”
Hanbin had put the phone on speaker, hanging his arms over the balcony and placed the phone on a table beside him.
“I’m gonna gut you.” Hao replied from the phone, the audio crackling slightly from the poor connection.
“But on a more serious note, how’d she take it?”
Yujin felt his brows furrow as he tried to piece together context to the two’s conversation.
“I haven’t talked to her since, but she seemed okay when I got home today. Thanks for suggesting that by the way, coming home at separate times.”
Hanbin sounded earnest, and Yujin could feel it finally click. He must’ve been talking about the phone call from November.
“What can I say, I’m a genius.” The sound of shuffling around caught wind in the mic echoing over Hanbin's phone, “If they blew up on you that’d be an awkward night for me.”
“Awh, you know they already think of you as family, it’d be nothing more than a squabble.” Hanbin pouted as he spoke, “Thank you, really.”
The words come out so quietly, Yujin’s straining at this point to hear,
“Thanking me for what?” Hao sounds truly confused, Yujin can already see the way his perfectly sculpted brows would furrow.
“For being there, you know. For the phone call, and choosing to stay beside me.”
“I’ll always choose you-” Hao’s voice drones out as Yujin decides it’s best to give his brother space. As much as he yearns to hear more about their blossoming friendship, he knows when a conversation should stay between two people, and he understands to give the two privacy.
The next morning, Yujin wakes up to find Hao and his brother lying on the couch in the living room. It’s a strange sight, seeing his brother in a space that used to be so not-occupied by him. He was always in his room, making excuses to have alone time, and only really welcoming Yujin to spend time with him in his room.
The two haven’t noticed Yujin, who was still rubbing the sleep from his eyes. Hao’s lying on Hanbin’s lap, he has a pair of black-rimmed glasses on and he opens his mouth and pats at Hanbin’s leg. He watches as his brother grabs a piece of watermelon and feeds it to the older, both of their eyes trained on the television and the show playing in front of them.
Yujin clears his throat to announce his presence, and Hao’s the first to notice,
“Oh, Good morning Yujin-ah.” He lifts a hand up from where he lay and waves it enthusiastically in the air.
“When’d you get here Hao-hyung?” Yujin walks over to the kitchen and pours himself a glass of water.
“I caught the earliest train at five am, and I forced your brother to come pick me up.”
Hanbin took a piece of watermelon and smushed it into Hao’s mouth, probably in attempt to shut him up,
“You would’ve gotten lost otherwise, plus I offered.”
Now Yujin was taken aback. Hanbin was not a morning person, unless college really did change him, he remembers how much Hanbin had hated getting up early during his high school years. When he had become student council president and had to head to class 30 minutes earlier so he could unlock classroom doors, he had thrown the row of keys to Gyuvin during one of their after school hangouts and told him best of luck.
“Why me?” Gyuvin had groaned and flashed a glare towards Matthew, “Why not Matthew?”
“Because that shithead chose early arrival for senior year.” Hanbin sighed and threw his hands in the air, “And, you offered to help me.”
Gyuvin stilled a little at his response, and Yujin knew it was likely due to that conversation the three had shared that day outside the ice cream shop.
“Yeah, you can count on me.” Gyuvin smiled at Hanbin and pocketed the keys.
Hanbin hadn’t given up his sleep even when he bore the biggest responsibility in his high school days, so maybe, Yujin had decided that university did somehow change something within him.
“You made me walk around an extra 30 minutes because you couldn’t find the station exit you twerp.” Hao’s voice broke through the memory followed by the sound of a resounding smack. He had hit Hanbin’s shoulder jokingly as he opened his mouth for Hanbin to feed him another piece.
Yujin shook his head and headed back to his room, confusion seeping his thoughts because Hanbin knew that station through and through, he knew it like the back of his hand. He had ridden on the same station from elementary to high school, there would be no way he would’ve gotten lost. Perhaps, Hao had gotten off at a different station they had never been on. That must be it, Yujin decided, the train station had multiple different stations to multiple different cities, some of which Yujin had never even heard of despite living here all his life, Hanbin could’ve easily gotten confused.
Winter break proceeds without many hiccups.
Their parents would sometimes pull Hanbin aside to talk about college, but it seems they have sorted out their own thoughts and feelings for the night. One night while helping with the dishes, Yujin could overhear their parents speaking to Hanbin in the living room. Hao had slept early, tucked away in Hanbin’s room, and the sound of their mom’s voice was the only noise in the entire house.
“I’m sorry Bin-ah.”
It was the first time Yujin had heard his mom apologize. He was starting to think maybe he hadn’t lived all that much to be experiencing so many firsts in just a mere couple of months.
“I put so much pressure on you with taking care of Yujin, I didn’t realize I was pushing my thoughts onto you.” This time it was his dad’s voice.
Yujin could feel the running water against his fingers as he slowly scrubbed the plates in an agonizing silence. He sometimes wondered if his brother had regarded him as that, a small burden he would always have to carry. Yujin had always wanted to be more independent like his brother, he never understood how Hanbin did it, because every time without fail, he would find himself leaning on Hanbin for support. Something clicked in his brain and it dawned on him, in the same kitchen that he had spent countless nights with Hanbin, that maybe Hanbin didn’t have someone to lean on like Yujin had with Hanbin.
But maybe now he did, he had Hao-hyung.
“I love you.”
Hanbin’s voice had cracked, and a small part of Yujin wanted to run out of the kitchen to hug his brother.
To Yujin, Hnabin had always been a strong pillar in his life. He somehow seemed like he could always do anything, he could accomplish anything. Why? Because he was Sung Hanbin. He could feel his heart breaking from the way Hanbin’s voice had sounded, but a small part of him prevented him from leaving the kitchen.
Yujin had always been quiet, more of the observant type that chose to listen in on conversations than actually physically engaging in. That’s what he liked the most about him and his brother, the fact Hanbin had so many words to spill out and Yujin always found it comforting to sit there and just simply listen. But that also meant he heard and saw a lot of things people didn’t, and sometimes, those things are better left unsaid and unseen.
Yujin was twelve, but there were many truths that he had grown to understand in the many years of him being alive. That is, sometimes a secret is better left a secret. So he decided to let Hanbin have that moment with his parents, tucked away in the safety of their own home.
When he was done with the dishes, he had found that their parents had retired for the night and the balcony door was left ajar. He walked up to the door, preparing to close it and lock it for the night when he noticed and was able to make out two silhouettes sitting on the side of the balcony.
He heard their voices before he got a chance to decipher who they were.
“Hey you’re okay.” It was Hanbin’s voice, he could see the outline of his hair moving as he spoke.
Yujin took a closer look and found that the other silhouette belonged to Hao. Upon further inspection he realized the figure’s shoulders were shaking and it dawned on him that Hao was crying.
“I’m sorry, I was supposed to be comforting you but look what ended up happening.” Hao’s voice was hoarse and crackled, like he had been crying for a while.
“Is that why you were holed up in my room? I knew something was off when you trekked into the room as early as seven pm. We hadn’t even gone on our walk yet, you big cry baby.”
Ah yes, their walks. Yujin knew they were happening every night. The two would sneak out a little after six pm, out for about two hours and they would come home breathless like they raced each other home.
Hao laughed softly in response before sighing, “Yeah, I think I just miss home.”
Hao had rested his head against Hanbin’s shoulder,
“I’ll be your home.” Hanbin’s reply came quickly, and without an ounce of hesitation.
“You already are.” Hao had murmured, Yujin could see the outline of Hanbin’s hand rising before landing on Hao’s head to pat at his hair.
“I’d say the same for you.” Hanbin shifted around, moving his hand from the other’s head and resting his head atop Hao’s. The two sat like that for a while, nothing but the silence and the bustle of the city life beneath them.
Yujin took that as his sign to leave.
He lay in bed that night, wide awake. He wonders if Hanbin had ever felt alone while growing up. He wonders if Hao ever felt alone. He went to sleep dreaming of Hao and Hanbin laying next to him, reading him his favorite stories, and telling him more about their life in college.
The next time Hao visits, it’s summer break.
Of course they all stay in contact, Hanbin adding Hao to the group chat consisting of him, his two best friends, and Yujin, and changing the name of the chat room to: Small Family.
Hanbin gets even busier, and when Yujin’s birthday arrives in March, he’s greeted with a quick FaceTime call from his brother.
Well, not just his brother.
When Yujin picks up the call, he’s greeted with four familiar faces.
“Yujin-ah, we all piled into Hanbin and Hao’s room to celebrate your birthday!” It’s Matthew speaking, he’s also changed much from before college. His once dark brown hair had been lifted to a soft brown. One that was more akin to beige, his features seemed to have matured more in the past couple months.
“Happy thirteenth birthday!” This time it was Hao speaking, he had whipped out a mini-cupcake in front of the screen and it looked like he stabbed the numbers one and three onto it.
“I bought the cupcake and candles, don’t let Hao take all the credit.” Gyuvin remarks as he walks into frame, he takes a seat beside Hanbin who sat in the middle of the screen. They’re all sitting on the floor like they’re conglomerating for some business meeting.
Yujin laughs at the scene, his parents had baked him a cake for his birthday, and after eating dinner and whispering well wishes to them, he had grabbed a slice and ran into his room to pick up the call from his hyung.
“But yes, happy birthday.” They all chorused.
Yujin had stayed up the latest in a while that night, talking to all four of them. As much as he wouldn’t like to admit it, because truly: he had no problem making friends his age, but the four of them had been something similar to that of a family to him, and maybe he’d call them all his best friends.
He doesn’t know why but he also felt strangely connected to Hao. The older was seven years older than him, but the way he saw him interact with his brother was nothing short of a miracle. He loved watching the way his brother was changing, and for the better. After the sudden change of Hanbin entering high school, to watch him bounce back was everything Yujin could’ve asked for.
Ultimately, if Hao was the person who was creating that change, he would always be a special person to Yujin.
When Hanbin’s birthday rolls around, it’s two weeks before summer break begins.
It was June and a humid sticky heat seemed to consume South Korea. Hao sent a message to their group chat yelling about how Hanbin was getting way too sweaty for his comfort.
Hanbin had sent a voice message in response saying “Your fault for rooming with me.”
Gyuvin and Matthew had both sent the same one word replies, ‘Gross.’
Hanbin had called Yujin the night of his own birthday, he sat alone in his room as he and Yujin celebrated.
“Where’s Hao-hyung?” Yujin had asked after wishing his brother a happy birthday, taking note of the strangely empty room. Unlike during Yujin’s birthday, it looked as if Hanbin was celebrating his birthday alone. Again, like he did when he was younger.
Though this time, he didn’t have such a sad look on his face, much less even a look on his face. His eyes still shone brightly, and not once did Yujin see the fake smile creeping onto his features. He laughed at every joke Yujin told him, no matter how lame and how bad the delivery was.
“He has his last exam for the semester today, I didn’t want to stress him out so I didn’t mention much about my birthday.” Hanbin had explained.
“Oh.” Yujin had responded, not being able to find the right words to say. Hanbin hadn’t looked upset, rather he looked a lot happier than he ever had while at home. Therefore, Yujin wasn’t sure if he should’ve offered words of comfort, or teased the older about the predicament.
“Knowing Haohao he would’ve planned something huge, and completely forget about his exam.”
Yujin takes note of how his brother had completely dropped the honorific when mentioning Hao. Yujin chose not to mention it.
“He would-” Yujin gets cut off when there’s a large ring from Hanbin’s side of the phone.
“Ah, someone’s at the door. Give me a second.”
Hanbin leaves the frame from Yujin’s phone, and for a moment all Yujin can hear is silence. The dorm room was small enough where the sounds of Hanbin clicking to open the door could be heard from his phone.
“Happy nineteenth birthday!” It’s practically screamed through the phone, and Yujin can instantly recognize it as Hao.
“Haohao? What-” Hanbin’s voice gets muffled by something, but Yujin isn’t quite sure what had happened since he couldn’t see the doorway through the call.
“I know you have a lot of questions, but!” Hao had paused before continuing, “I took the exam yesterday, asked my professor the week before, and Gyuvin and Matthew helped me plan out the whole surprise over the weekend! Happy birthday Bin-ah!”
There’s more rustling and whispering that Yujin can’t make out on the other side of the phone before Hanbin’s voice pipes up over it, “I’m on call with Yujin right now, do you want to say hi?”
Yujin knew this was his cue to make some noise so he quickly picked up on it, yelling out a quick “Hello Hao-hyung!”
The two stumble into frame. Hanbin’s holding on Hao’s waist while carrying a small cake. Hao was holding a gift bag and Yujin took note of how the candles were already stabbed into the cake with messy handwriting, presumably Hao’s, atop the cake. There’s a permanent grin etched onto Hanbin’s face as he walks in, his eyes crinkling and the whisker-dimples not once leaving his face.
“Hello Yujin-ie!” Hao waved at Yujin.
Yujin waved back. Hao looked like he ran his way to their shared dorm, his hair was a mess, each strand sticking in a different direction. Yujin saw something sparkling on his neck and the words tumbled out his mouth before he could stop it.
“Hanbin-hyung, don’t you have the same necklace?”
Yujin doesn’t notice it, but Hanbin’s neck flares a prominent red.
“Oh, Hanbin got us matching necklaces.” Hao stated as he placed the cake down in front of the camera of their phone and took a seat. He lifted the necklace up out of the collar of his shirt and showed it to Yujin through the camera.
“Look!” He held it up and put his hand behind it so the camera could focus better.
“Hanbin’s always buying me gifts, at this point he doesn’t even need to get me a birthday gift.” Hao bragged as he moved his hand back to pull Hanbin to sit next to him.
“I do not!” Hanbin retorted, a smile still sitting on his lips as he spoke.
“You got us those rings, the durian cake even though the room stank from it, the hair clips and pins-” Hanbin shoved a hand in front of Hao’s mouth to get him to stop listing the array of gifts and let out a sheepish grin.
“Guilty.”
Yujin snickered at his brother. The two stayed on call with Yujin as Hanbin cut the cake and they ended up hanging up a bit early in the night after Hanbin said they had to study for some exam. Yujin had an inkling of a suspicion it was a lie considering Hao had already taken his last exam, but he had no reason to keep them. So they said their goodbye’s and Hanbin reminded him that he was coming back in 2 weeks or so anyways.
“Don’t miss me too much Yujin-ie!”
“I won’t.” Yujin promised.
Two weeks later Hanbin returns home with none other than: Zhang Hao.
The air around the two seems to have changed, or maybe Yujin was going insane, but the two seemed a bit more shy, which was odd considering that they’ve been so close for so long. When they walked into the house, Yujin had caught them holding hands, but the two were always touchy with each other; he didn't even bat an eye at the scene.
The two seemed to dance around each other for the entire day. Their parents had left on a small business trip, one of their last ones before retirement, and it was only the three of them home. It seemed like they were avoiding each other, which made Yujin even more confused.
The two seemed to be attached by the hip for the past nine months, what could have possibly changed? They didn’t seem like they hated each other, otherwise Yujin would’ve picked up on that, and they still share the weird looks with the twinkle in their eyes.
After not being able to piece together what exactly he was seeing, he cornered his brother in his room after dinner when he couldn’t stand it anymore. The two had sat apart from each other at the dinner table, Hanbin with Yujin on one side and Hao sat across from them. They exchanged words and teasing conversations like normal but there was this distance between them.
“Hanbin-hyung, did you and Hao-hyung fight?” Yujin felt himself hold his breath.
The thing is, even if they fought, it was none of his business. But to Yujin, it meant a lot more to him than just two friends fighting. It meant Hanbin losing a shoulder to lean onto, and Yujin losing a best friend.
Hanbin looked nervous as he spoke,
“No, we didn’t..” His voice trailed off.
Yujin didn’t like this answer, Hanbin had always been a straight-forward blunt person, yet he was avoiding Yujin’s eye contact. Yujin stared at his hyung, waiting for Hanbin to continue.
“We’re not fighting, things are just different.” Hanbin finalized, his eyes finally meeting his younger brother’s.
“Different? What do you mean?” Yujin asked for clarification. Okay this was getting weird, he thought to himself. The way Hanbin bit his lip as he tried to find the words to tell him. Yujin needed Hanbin to tell him with his words, he could never guess what Hanbin was thinking, ever.
“We’re dating.”
The words hung in the air, and Yujin paused. That was it? That’s why they were tip-toeing around each other?
Yujin felt dumbfounded. He was young, but he also wasn’t stupid. He’s never dated, but he also wasn’t absolutely as dumb as his brother had thought. The looks the two shared were far beyond innocent, the moments they shared in the house never seemed like it could be wrapped up with the simple term of just ‘friends’. Yujin always knew, he always noticed.
“I thought you were dating this whole time?” Yujin raised a brow as he asked, still feeling a bit confused why it took so long for his brother to tell him this.
Hanbin’s jaw slacked a little at the question as he stared at Yujin like he had grown two heads, “This whole time?” He repeated.
“Yeah you parrot. This whole time. I thought you guys have been dating since winter break, no?” Yujin rolled his eyes at his question.
“No!?” Hanbin squeaked, his eyes wide as he spoke, “We got together a month before my birthday.”
“Oh.” Yujin marveled at the expression Hanbin was making. He looked shy, embarrassed even.
Even if Hanbin didn’t want to admit it, Yujin knew the older liked Hao from the moment he brought him home during fall break. The way Hanbin had looked at Hao like he was his entire world, the way he started laughing more after meeting Hao, the way every update he texted him included Hao in the pictures, the way every conversation always circled back to Hao no matter what they were talking about. Sometimes Yujin thinks he knows Hanbin better than he knows himself.
The next day seemed to fall back into its normal rhythm. The two are all over each other again, and Yujin would catch random moments around the house. Like when he walked into the kitchen to Hanbin hugging Hao behind the back as he cooked and he would press a soft kiss against the older’s ear. Or when he entered the living room and the two would be cuddled onto the couch, both asleep taking a short nap in the middle of the day.
A small part of Yujin wished he hadn’t taken the information so easily. So much PDA.
That night Hanbin had decided he was going to do the dishes since Hao had cooked. Yujin found himself sitting on the living room couch with Hao, the two of them sipping on their leftover sodas from dinner.
“Thank you Yuijin-ie.” Hao had suddenly spoken, making Yujin jump a little from the sudden noise.
“For what, Hao-hyung?”
“Everything.”
Yujin was thirteen and he was young, but he knew exactly what Hao had been talking about. He flashed a soft smile towards the older and he shook his head.
“No, thank you Hao-hyung.”
Hao looked surprised at the random gesture, putting his glass down in front of him onto the table.
“What for?”
“Like you said. Everything.”
They shared a knowing look. Yujin knew Hao knew Hanbin well enough to know exactly what he was talking about.
The three’s lives were nothing near that of perfect. But Yujin was okay with that, their family seemed to be coming back together and expanding, he had gained another older brother, and his brother was becoming a smiling mess.
Maybe he was okay with Hao being Hanbin’s new favorite.