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Chris was his first for everything.
★
Felix was 6 years old.
He’d been sitting in the mulch with his head in his hands, sobbing. None of the other kids at the park would play with him. They called him names and told him he looked weird. Felix was confused, he didn’t understand what he did wrong, he didn’t understand why he couldn’t join their game.
He didn’t even know why he was sitting there by himself, or where his older sister was. She’d been told to look after him but ended up just dropping him off at the local park so she could fool around with her boyfriend. He was completely and utterly alone, blubbering and heaving into his knees.
He should be used to his by now, being tossed aside in favor of something better. In favor of someone better. But he’s just a child, it would be ridiculous to expect a first grader to recognize such heinous patterns.
An older boy approached him, wearing a baseball cap over a head of thick brown curls. He was holding a soccer ball and wearing a pair of worn out dungarees with a bright blue top underneath.
“Are you okay?” He asked, crouching down to get a good look at Felix. When the smaller boy looked up, he was met with a shy smile decorated with dimples and eyes that held concern and sincerity. That alone was enough for Felix to immediately trust him.
“Why won’t anybody play with me?” Felix cried, forgetting everything he’d been taught about stranger danger.
“Uh-” The older boy looked back at a group of kids who seemed to be waiting for him. “Why don’t you come play with us? We could use an extra player.”
“Really?”
“Yeah! What’s your name?” He held a hand out to pull Felix to his feet.
The tears had stopped falling and he stood, brushing the mulch off his butt.
“I’m Felix!”
“I’m Chris. C’mon, they’re waiting for us.”
Chris and Felix ran to join the rest of the kids. Chris introduced Felix as his new friend, they played soccer until the street lights turned on.
Chris was Felix’s first friend.
★
Felix was 10 years old.
Chris was 13 years old.
They hung out almost every day. On days they couldn’t, they’d play online games together. They were inseparable. You’d rarely find one without the other. If anyone saw one of them alone, they’d ask about their counterpart.
Sometimes they’d hang out with Chris’ other friends, Felix didn’t enjoy it as much. He didn’t like when Chris’s attention was on anyone other than him. He’d be miserable watching Chris joke around with his buddies, laughing about jokes he wasn’t in on and talking about topics he wasn’t interested in. He always put up with it, though, and never complained no matter how much he wanted to.
He had a habit of ignoring Felix when they’d do things with the other guys. Felix would end up talking to one of Chris’s friends, the same one every time. Felix was too petty to entertain him.
Chris was approaching the age where he started to notice girls around that same time. It was all he’d talk about sometimes. They’d have a sleepover and Chris would go on and on and on about his escapades, it drove Felix nuts.
“So like, yeah, we kissed. It was totally rad.” Chris bragged, flopping back onto Felix’s bed and bringing his hands up to rest behind his head.
It made Felix want to throw up in his mouth. “Sounds gross to me.” He pouted, refusing to look away from the TV where he was playing Crash Bandicoot.
“You’re too young to understand, little one.” Chris teased, and Felix glared at him. He’d been doing that a lot lately, talking down on Felix and infantilizing him. Poking fun at him for being a ‘late bloomer’ as if he wasn’t 3 years younger. It was all innocent teasing but it hurt Felix more than he’d like to admit.
“You’re annoying.”
“I know you are but what am I? Anyway, back to what I was talking about-”
Felix did his best to tune Chris out when he talked about things like that.
It made him feel ill, it made him feel nauseous. He hated hearing his best friend talk about girls he’d flirt with, or who he found attractive. It made him uncomfortable to hear about Chris’s experiences with girls. He didn't know why he’d always get so irritated whenever the subject came up.
Felix later realized that the feeling he couldn’t explain was jealousy. He wasn’t jealous of Chris, though. He was jealous of the girls.
Chris was Felix’s first crush.
★
Felix was 13 years old.
Chris was 16 years old.
Felix watched his best friend approach, his chest tight, his eyes dry and irritated from crying.
“She stood you up?” Chris asked, sitting next to him on the park bench. Felix gave him a dejected nod, letting the bouquet of flowers he was holding fall into his lap. Chris sighed and pulled him into a weird side hug.
Felix never got used the way he’d feel whenever Chris touched him.
He thought his silly little childhood crush would’ve subsided by now but it’s only gotten worse as he watched Chris grow up. He’d grown into his features, he looked more mature. It drove Felix crazy.
He realized he was gay a while back, or at least that he was attracted to boys. Asking this girl out was a last ditch effort to deny the undeniable, and it proved to be a huge bust.
He’d asked her out of convenience, she was his lab partner and the only girl who’s name he’d bothered to remember. He thought if he got lucky, he’d be able to move on from his best friend.
She never showed up. It felt awful, he was humiliated. Felix sat on that bench for hours until Chris texted him asking how the date went. He hadn’t responded, just sent his location in the chat and shoved his phone back into his pocket.
Chris suddenly stood, turning and holding his hand out to Felix.
It was somewhat reminiscent of their first meeting.
“I’ll take you on a date, then.” He declared with a huge goofy grin on his face. Felix rolled his eyes but couldn’t fight the smile creeping onto his lips.
“Thanks, Chris.”
Chris was Felix’s first date.
★
Felix was 14 years old.
Chris was 17 years old.
Chris started getting more reckless as his graduation approached. He ran with the bad crowd, did things his parents didn’t approve of, did things Felix didn’t approve of. He followed anyway, craving Chris’s validation like a cigarette addict craved nicotine. Young and naive, Felix did anything Chris wanted without question, even if it went against his own principles.
Felix tagged along with Chris to a high school party; a few of the seniors had snuck into their parents' liquor cabinets and made it their mission to get everyone drunk. Felix hated the idea of drinking, but couldn’t say no when Chris pressed a red solo cup full of foggy pink liquid into his hands with a bright, dimpled smile on his face.
Unsurprisingly, a game of spin the bottle began in the living room. Felix was buzzed, Chan was tipsy. Felix didn’t sit down at first, unwilling to succumb to cliché party tropes.
Watching Chris kiss other people, both boys and girls, ripped him apart piece by piece. It dug deep enough that he threw out his inhibitions and pettily plopped himself down between two girls, demanding a turn.
Felix flicked the bottle and watched it spin, heart plummeting when it landed on his best friend. What were the chances? There was a chorus of cheers heard around the room, egging them on.
Before he could protest, Chris was crawling across the circle and grabbing him by the face. Felix opened his mouth to say something, anything, but Chris planted a fat, wet kiss straight on his lips.
Felix was horrified, it wasn’t supposed to happen like this.
Chris’s lips were chapped, he tasted like tobacco and cheap liquor. He was rough, biting down on Felix’s bottom lip harshly and deepening the kiss without warning. There was so much tongue. It was so overwhelming, all Felix could do was wriggle in the older boy’s grasp, heat prickling behind his eyes and his nose burning.
Felix wanted to vomit. He wanted to shove Chris off of him, but the elder pulled away before he got the chance.
It was awful, everything about it. He watched Chris smirk and return back to his spot on the carpet, uncaring for the way Felix was falling apart in front of him, fat tears rolling down his cheeks. He was probably too drunk to notice, which only fueled Felix’s rage and hurt.
He stood abruptly, knocking over the cup of the girl next to him, before storming off. He needed to leave, he needed to get away. His head was spinning and he couldn’t hold onto a single thought long enough to actually process it.
Chris didn’t follow him.
As he ran down the stairs and started making a beeline for the front door, someone grabbed him by the bicep.
“Felix? What happened? Where are you going? Why are you crying?”
It’s Chris’s best friend, Changbin.
“Let go of me.” Felix hisses, shoving him off.
“Hey, wait- slow down for a second!” Changbin tries, reaching for him again. Felix evades his grasp, muttering something about needing to get the fuck out of here before he crashes out.
Changbin watches as Felix storms out of the house, standing in the middle of the living room with worry painted across his features.
The night air was unforgiving as it nipped at Felix’s exposed skin during his long, dark walk home. He held himself, choking back sobs and trembling so hard that he struggled to keep himself upright.
He scrubbed his mouth for what felt like hours, gagging on the toothbrush as he tried to scrape the taste of his best friend off his tongue. The feeling wouldn’t go away, he wanted to peel his lips off and flush them down the toilet.
It wasn’t supposed to happen that way, not with both of them drunk off their asses and surrounded by strangers in a house they didn’t belong in.
Once he collapsed into his bed, he cried himself to sleep, wishing he never went to that stupid fucking party.
Chris was Felix’s first kiss.
★
Felix was 19 years old.
Chris was 22 years old.
Felix’s world came crashing down on a random Tuesday afternoon during early summer. They were both home from college for break, and their parents were throwing a joint barbecue to welcome them back. Chris showed up with a beautiful girl on his arm, Felix immediately felt nauseous.
“This is Sana, she’s my girlfriend.” Chris introduced, his hand was intertwined with hers.
It was physically painful to look at her, but Felix put on his best poker face for the sake of his best friend. “I’m Felix, nice to meet you.”
He watched Chris show her off the entire afternoon, bragging about her accomplishments and praising everything she does.
“She’s got a 5.0 GPA!”
“She’s going to med school, she’s gonna be a doctor!”
“She speaks three languages!”
Bitterness was all Felix could feel as he observed the way Chris paraded her around like a trophy to be beheld.
They looked good together, perfect even. She was sweet, her voice was gentle and Chris’s parents loved her. Everyone loved her. She was every parent's dream. Felix would never be able to live up to that.
“Hey, how are you doing?” A familiar-ish guy asks, handing Felix a cup of lemonade. Changbin.
Felix scrunches his nose in annoyance, rolling his eyes.
“I’m fine.” He grunts.
“Yeah?” Changbin pushes, a pitiful look in his eyes that makes Felix’s stomach churn.
“Yep.”
Felix wanted to sock him in the mouth.
“Right.”
Felix doesn’t respond after that, too busy stewing while trying to explode Sana with his mind.
He hated that he was so affected by the whole thing. Chris had flings all the time, plenty of hook-ups and one night stands, Felix had to hear about them constantly.
Not once had he ever introduced a girl as his girlfriend, though. Chris was serious about Sana.
Felix felt like someone carved a hole in his chest and tore his heart out, he felt empty. He felt lost.
That summer was the worst he’d ever had. They barely hung out, Chris constantly bailed on him in favor of Sana, and Felix, though devastated, couldn’t blame him.
Chris didn’t respond to his texts much anymore, he never called back like he promised he would. He never emailed, he never played online games with him. He tossed Felix to the side in favor of someone better.
Felix thought he should’ve been used to it.
Chris was Felix’s first heartbreak.
★
Felix was 22 years old.
Chris was 25 years old.
Chris and Sana had broken up months ago. Felix was over the moon, though he’d never admit it.
He never got over Chris.
They were sitting in the living room of Felix’s one bedroom apartment, getting high. Felix turned to pot as a way to escape his own head. As happy as he was when Chris wormed his way back into his life, it still hurt. It still sent him reeling knowing he was just a second choice.
“The sex wasn’t even that good. I could barely get it up half the time.” Chris groaned, chucking at himself. Felix snorted. The older boy was sitting on the floor between Felix’s legs, watching a Tom Hanks movie on the shitty television Felix had picked up off of someone’s front lawn.
“Maybe you’re gay.” Felix joked, slumping back against the sofa.
Chris looked over his shoulder at him, thinking for a moment before turning back around. “Are you?”
“Am I what?”
“Are you gay?”
Felix tensed, the atmosphere had shifted into something stuffy and uncomfortable. “Uhm. I don’t know.”
It felt too close to a confession, Felix wanted to physically grab the words out of the air and shove them back into his mouth. He should’ve denied, he should’ve faked being offended and vehemently denied.
Chris laughed at that. “What? What do you mean you don’t know?”
Felix frowned. “I-” He stopped himself. Chris shifted to face him, mouth dropping open.
“When was the last time you got laid?”
Felix didn’t respond, his brain far too cloudy to come up with a coherent response.
“You’re not a virgin, are you?” Chris balked, Felix wanted to melt into the cushions.
This was the last conversation he wanted to have with his best friend and crush.
He’d never tried to fuck anyone because the only person he’d ever been attracted to was Chris.
Chris.
Chris, who had a weird glint in his eye as he stared at Felix.
“Have you ever done… anything?”
Felix squirmed, refusing to meet his burning gaze.
Chris, who moved impossibly closer.
“Hm?”
Chris, who brought a hand up to rest on Felix’s thighs.
“Lix?”
Chris, who was looking at Felix like he was a piece of meat.
“Shut up.” Felix grumbled, folding his arms across his chest.
“Hey- I’m not judging you, I’m just surprised. I figured you’d have people all over you- I mean, look at you!” Chris was rambling, and Felix felt like his entire body was on fire.
“What?”
“You’re like… super hot.” Chris admitted, and not in a way friends would normally compliment each other. He’d never seen Chris like this, had never heard him talk like this. The hand on his thigh was moving up into a dangerous territory, Felix didn’t know whether he wanted it off or if he wanted more.
“What?” He repeated, the room was spinning.
“Why haven’t you?” Chris questioned, rubbing circles into Felix’s leg with his thumb. “Had sex, I mean.”
Felix gnawed on his bottom lip, unsure of what excuse to use. “I don’t know.” Part of him still thought this was some fucked up dream. Or nightmare. It didn’t feel real.
Chris stared at him for what felt like hours, Felix could see the wheels turning in his head.
“Do you want to?”
The entire world came to a halt in that moment, all Felix could hear was the blood rushing in his ears. His heartbeat migrated up into his throat. His body reacted before his brain could, and Chris noticed. It was mortifying.
Did he want this? Was he willing to risk their entire friendship to give into his deepest, darkest desires?
The elder didn’t wait for an answer before palming him through his sweats. Felix jerked underneath him, a soft moan escaping his mouth without permission. The hungry look on Chris’s face morphed into a cocky smirk as he continued, moving up onto his knees and bringing his other hand up to roam Felix’s body.
All Felix could do was sit and let it happen. He watched Chris tug his pants down, then his boxers. He fought the urge to hide behind his hands when cold air hit his leaking cock. Everything was moving so fast.
It was awkward, Chris didn’t know how to have sex with a guy and Felix was a virgin. Chris had to google what to do before they started, and that should’ve been a sign to stop. Neither of them knew what they were doing.
They didn’t even move to the bedroom, Chris fingered him open right on the couch, panting heavily into his neck. He tried to check in with Felix a couple times but couldn’t get more than non-committal hums out of him between soft whines and groans. He continued anyway.
It was painful when Chris pushed into him, it burned for a bit and Felix wasn’t sure he was going to enjoy it. Chris went slow, or as slow as he could before his resolve broke. Thankfully, he’d given Felix just enough time to adjust and the experience wasn’t absolutely horrible. He was sloppy and uncoordinated, and he came first within 10 minutes. To his credit, though, he finished Felix off with a mediocre blowjob.
Then he left. He stood, pulled his pants off, gave Felix a goofy grin, thanked him, and left.
It shouldn’t have happened. Chris was high and sad. Felix was in love and vulnerable.
He laid on the couch, staring at the ceiling while cum dripped out of him and onto the couch cushions. It wasn’t how he imagined losing his virginity, it wasn’t how he imagined the aftermath would be. Left by himself to cry on his cumstained couch after Chris had gotten what he wanted.
Chris was Felix’s first time.
★
Felix was 23 years old.
Chris was 26 years old.
Felix had sex with him a few more times, he let himself pretend it wasn’t meaningless and casual for a while. Then it started to hurt. Emotionally. Especially when he’d wake up to an empty bed, no text, no note, nothing.
It hurt even more when he found out Chris was bragging about hooking up with a chick the night after they had sex. He started to push Chris away, ignoring his calls and refusing to answer the door when he knew Chris was on the other side.
Their friendship was more or less ruined. 17 years destroyed in one night. If he’d never slept with him, maybe they’d be okay.
Felix fell out of love, finally, after 17 years. 17 years of heartache, 17 years of jealousy, 17 years of unattainable goals, 17 years of being burned over and over and over again. He was done.
Thinking back to the time Felix was left on his couch after showing Chris the most vulnerable side of himself, the realization hit him like a ton of bricks. He was pathetic, so stupid for latching onto someone despite their complete lack of regard for his feelings. The rose tinted glasses were basically slapped off his face.
After a couple months, Seo Changbin reached out to him. Felix had met the guy a few times in group settings, he was always the life of the party. Loved to be the center of attention, making everyone laugh with his horrible flirting and cheesy pick up lines.
Felix never got too close to him. Not because he didn’t have the chance, or because he didn’t want to, though. For some reason, Chris always got a little weird whenever he found the two of them mingling and not-so-subtly put a stop to it one way or another.
Felix doesn’t know why he responded, and he really doesn’t know why he invited Changbin over to his place to spill his guts.
“He just left? No aftercare? Didn’t clean you up at all?” Changbin gaped, staring at Felix in disbelief. They were sitting on The Couch™, Felix had his knees brought up to his chest with his arms wrapped around himself and Changbin was manspreading on the opposite end, rolling a joint for them.
“Mhm.” Felix confirmed, staring at Changbin’s hands as he worked. He was partially zoned out, exhausted from crying his eyes out for the better part of the afternoon. Changbin was actually really supportive despite being one of Chris’s close friends.
“What a fucking dick.” He grunted, rolling his eyes. Felix cocked an eyebrow, a bit surprised he’d react that way considering their relationship. He’d known Chris for years now, they even worked on music together. “You don’t deserve that.”
“It’s alright, m’used to it.”
“Well you shouldn’t be. You’re like- you’re so beautiful, Lix. You know that, right? I don’t even- like, I don’t just mean physically.” Changbin put the joint down and shifted to face Felix, resting an elbow on the back of the couch. “I’ve always noticed you. When we’d hang out, I mean. You really light up a room, y’know? You’re just so kind, and everything you say, dude. Like, ugh.” He rubbed a hand down his face, sighing.
“You noticed me?” Felix whispers.
“How could I not?” Changbin responds.
Then it dawned on him. Every time Chris ignored him in group settings as kids, Changbin was there to pick up the slack. The party, the barbecue. It was him. It was Changbin.
Felix would be lying if he claimed he didn’t ‘notice’ Changbin as well. How his gaze always naturally gravitated towards him whenever they were in the same room. He hates himself for being so offstandish with him.
Sitting with Changbin, listening to him talk about Felix and asking for permission every time he touched him, it felt different. Nothing like he ever felt with Chris, towards Chris. It felt real, reciprocated, requited. Changbin made him feel like a first choice.
Changbin’s lips weren’t chapped, and he wasn’t rough at all. He didn’t bite, he didn’t grip or shove or force his tongue into Felix’s mouth. Changbin was gentle, he held Felix like he was made of glass and pulled back every so often to make sure he was okay. And he waited for an answer.
Felix melted in his hands, devolving into a teary-eyed mess when he realized this is how it was meant to be. This was how he deserved to be treated. This was how it felt to be cared for, genuinely cared for. Changbin hugged him tight, consoling and reassuring him. It was alien, foreign, odd, but it also felt so right.
★
“I think I love you.” Felix confessed as they laid on Changbin’s bed, legs tangled together and arms wrapped around each other.
Changbin softly chuckled. “I love you too.” Using his thumb to wipe away a bead of sweat from Felix’s temple, Changbin pressed the most tender kiss to his forehead.
Chris was Felix’s first friend, first crush, first date, first kiss, first heartbreak, first time.
But Seo Changbin was Felix’s first love.