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There's a saying here in Midsomer which the tourism board never in a million years would approve of, come for the wedding and stay for the funeral, however this story begins with a funeral.
Detective Sergeant Jamie Winter had been to many funerals in his life, sometimes to pay respect other times to pay attention. This time however it was to support someone who had become more family than any blood ties could ever produce.
Just now being in the small chapel alone with a coffin waiting for people to arrive, he found himself consumed by a hot pool of anger deep inside. This wasn't fair, he shouldn't have died, it should have been Jamie.
Jamie had nothing to lose, had nothing to live for, had no one to look after.
It should have been him.
But fate rejected his offer.
He had faced the Grim Reaper many times, who seemed to love tossing Jamie around like a kitten with a ball of yarn for his own amusement, without ever dealing the final blow.
There he was standing holding a solitaire vigil next to the heavy oak coffin of a man closer to him than his own father despite their many differences.
There would be many challenges now, not even being fuelling Midsomers rogue criminals into a trigger happy frenzy now that one of the who had seemed immortal crime fighting entity had been killed
the biggest being surviving the fall out of the loss of a loved one continuing the good fight for his although not blood family. Fast approaching clacking of heels along with the sound of a suppressed sob ripped him out of his thoughts.
Sarah had made her way to the chapel on her own without Betty before the ceremony. It pained Jamie to see her like this, she looked impossibly small in her black dress. Fragile to a point where he feared she'd shatter if anyone would come near her.
Sarah was the strongest person he had ever met, seeing her like this made him even more terrified of what lay in store for them.
They both stood in silence in front of the coffin, not wanting to look the other in the eye. There was no bad blood, Sarah didn't hold Jamie responsible for what had happened.
The silence between them was just the heavy cloak of grief suffocating them, rendering them lost for words. Jamie wanted to extend a hand to her, tell her he'd make sure they would be okay, but he didn't feel like he had the right to do so.
It should have been him. He should have died.
Sarah looked at him as if she could hear his thoughts, shook her head in a motherly fashion wanting to tell him to stop blaming himself, but he mistook her look as a justification for his thoughts.
Their vigil was interrupted by the loud cry of a maybe four year old scuttling across the stone floors, followed by a tall figure chasing after her with an apologetic embarrassed look on his face.
“Mommy!” Betty cried, leaping into her mother's arms. The tall figure who had chased her had caught up on her out of breath, his smile faded remembering the sad occasion. “I'm sorry Sarah, Betty just took the first opportunity to make a runner once her apples were done.”
Sarah pressed a kiss on her daughter's cheek, unable to hide her smile at her daughter's rouge nature. She had much of the Barnaby stubbornness.
“Don't worry Charlie. I'm surprised you could keep her contained for so long.”
“I think it was the apples.” Charlie bit his lips, this was no place for light banter, his gaze wandered across the inside of the church before landing on the man at Sarah's side. He must be a close relative, as he didn't expect Sarah to allow many people to be near her remaining family. The funeral guests were few, an exclusive circle of friends and family.
Betty made grabby hands for Jamie, who must have been hidden from her attention till now. “Should I take her outside and give you a moment?” asked Jamie as Betty began to squirm impatiently on her mother's arms. “You're a darling, Jamie.” Jamie took her in his arms and carefully walked with her outside. There were many statues of knights and Betty loved hearing tales about them.
Sarah let go of a breath she wasn't aware she was holding.
“Jamie's so good with Betty, I worry about him more than I worry about myself, he's blaming himself for John's death.” she blurted out, it wasn't her place to tell this to Charlie who to her knowledge had never met him.
“Sorry… I didn't mean to be so frank...”
Charlie placed a hand on her shoulder.
“It's okay. Be as frank as you want.”
“You're always so understanding. Thank you.”
“It's the least I can do.” They stood in solitude as she and Jamie had done before.
Charlie felt that Sarah needed some space, so he left her to be alone with her husband's coffin, walking slowly outside. He didn't want to tell her about having put his transfer papers in to return to Midsomer to be there for her and Betty yet.
He took a few steps outside, enjoying the precious sunlight breaking through the clouds only to run into Jamie who was holding an awestruck Betty as he told her the tale of St George the dragon slayer while pointing at a serpent statue. Charlie didn't mean to pry, but found himself enraptured by Jamie's delivery of the lines. Betty was sucking on her fingers, turning around to face him and call out his name. Jamie jumped slightly, not having noticed they had been followed and turned around. Internally cursing himself for being so careless.
“I'm sorry I didn't mean to interrupt you.”
“It's alright. We were almost at the end of the story anyway and about to look for a new one.”
“I see.”
“There are a few Greek statues down the path, you can join us if you want, Betty seems keen on your company.” Jamie smiled, the child in his arms giggled stretching to touch Charlie's beard.
“Thank you. I'm afraid we haven't been introduced. I'm Charlie Nelson, I was once a Sergeant under DCI Barnaby.”
“I've heard many good things about you. Sarah was worried we might not reach you given you are doing undercover work. Sorry I'm Jamie Winter, I was your replacement.” he said with a sense of bitterness, not doubting Charlie could have prevented their guv's death. His welcoming smile had faded as well, while he readjusted Betty in his arms.
It pained Charlie to see the remorseful look he was given, knowing their relationship already had a strain before it began and it made him worry about their future working at the station together. He was just a temporary replacement before a new DCI had been selected, but it still left a sour taste having gotten off to such a bad start.
In another life they would have met in less horrific circumstances.
“My condolences...” He began but Jamie shook his head and continued walking.
This wasn't about him, his pain didn't matter, he shouldn't even be here, it should have been him in this coffin, Jamie was actively fighting back tears now, he had to focus on Betty, the presence of Charlie made everything worse.
They walked past a statue of Athena which caught Betty's attention. Jamie let her reach out to touch the statue.
“Owl.” she exclaimed.
“Yes, it belongs to Athena, goddess of wisdom and master of war.”
“You know your gods DI Nelson, would you like to do the tour?”
Charlie's heart shattered upon being addressed by his title rather than his first name.
“No, sorry… I didn't mean to…” he thought about turning around to leave but Betty made him stay.
The look Jamie gave him made him truly earn his last name. He began telling a story about how Poseidon and Athena once fought over the patronage of a city till the chapel bells toned, calling them inside.
The service was kept simple, John's cousin Tom former DCI Barnaby held an eulogy before Sarah spoke a few words.
Betty was stirring, switching back and forth between her godfather, Jamie and Charlie throughout the service. She was too young to fathom what was truly going on, to all her care her dad hadn't yet returned but all her big brothers did, whom she tried to bestow with her attention equally.
Sarah picked her up when it was time to carry the coffin outside to his final resting place.
Jamie didn't dare looking at anyone as he lifted the iron bars of the coffin to his shoulders. Swallowing hard as he felt the tears build up again.
The rest of the ceremony moved on smoothly.
John was laid to rest in the family vault and the small ground of mourners disbanded to drive to the pub where the wake was held.
Jamie oversaw the closing of the vault.
Allowing himself to finally shed some silent tears of despair. They ran down hot his cheeks, dripping aimlessly on the near frozen marble ground.
There was no turning back now.
His guv was really dead.
“I don't mean to intrude.”
Jamie wiped the tears from his eyes, his lips were trembling with rage again, could he not have peace for once in his life, he turned around to face Charlie.
“DI Nelson.”
Charlie froze at the cold voice hitting him like an icy cloth. It was clear he wasn't wanted here, but he still had to try, offering him his card with his private number written on it, scrambling for the right words to sound sincere and not just like he was repeating the eternal platitudes of daily copper business.
“If you need anything, just give me a call and I'll be there. You don't have to go through this alone.”
Jamie took it, scoffed before putting it in his pocket.
“They taught us well, didn't they? It almost sounds like you're serious.”
“Jamie…I mean it.”
“You don't even know me.”
“I still can care.” Charlie smiled at him gently offering a hand which Jamie accepted.
“The last person who did, is now six feet under, so I'd rather not be responsible for another grieving widow.”
“That won't happen. Trust me.”
“How can I trust you, I don't even know you.” Jamie let go of his hand, glaring at him ready to leave.
The vault was now suffocating, Charlie's presence confused him, he was too damn nice to him, he didn't deserve any pleasantries or any comfort.
“Then give me a chance?”
“Sure, what else? A drink and a hand job perhaps? Come on... Just leave me alone….”
Jamie felt his anger burst out of him, how could Charlie still be this kind. He wanted to pin him against the wall and…. No this was too far.
“I'm not going to do that.”
“Well then, I guess you have to follow me home and watch me get drunk cause that's what I'm going to do now.”
“Fine. Just let me drive, I'll chip in on the drinks.”
Jamie shook his head, feeling the tension ease from his body. This DI Nelson truly had a way with words, making oneself comfortable with just a few moments spent in his company. No doubt it was a valuable asset during investigation.
He walked outside, taking a second to let the rain wash over him, before turning back to the entrance of the vault, to see if he had been followed.
Charlie had, like a loyal shadow.
"I can handle my own problems, you know. I don't need someone to watch over me.” Jamie broke the silence which had begun to spread as they walked over the graveyard.
It was true he had been through so much and still had managed to survive. He didn't need anyone. Especially not someone who'd remind him of his failures.
“I'm sure you can, but it's better to not go through this alone.” Charlie said in a gentle tone, placing his hand on Jamie's shoulder, who jumped at the unexpected touch. Shivering with fear he'd fall apart under the tension which threatened to burst any moment now.
“I don't want your pity.” Jamie said calmly against the storm inside him.
“I'm not doing it out of pity.”
“Whatever.”
They continued to walk in silence till they reached Charlie's car. Jamie had subconsciously accepted taking Charlie home, he could have walked and risked taking a bus to his home as they were still safer than any Ubers.
His mind was raving lunacy with most unspeakable ideas, as he got into the car. About what laid in stall for him now that he was rendered useless after the funeral had been concluded and he was on leave.
They stopped at a nearby Sainsburys to grab a quick lunch and spirits in a questionable amount, before continuing to Jamie's flat.
“You don't have to stay. I'll be fine.” Jamie tried to sound sincere but failed, the red in his eyes spoke a different story.
“Drinking is better with someone.”
Jamie didn't know how to object to this and let themselves into the small cottage he had been given by his grandpa Jimmy. They pop their food into oven while waiting
Jamie got out some glasses and ice for their drinks.
Charlie usually wasn't one to indulge in heavy alcohol but he knew there was a time and place to bend the rules a bit.
Watching Jamie closely as he downed his first glass of whiskey without waiting for the ice to actually cool the liquid to a drinkable temperature, he'd wondered if this was a good idea after all.
Jamie grunted, hating how the whiskey burned as it rolled down his throat, but nevertheless topped up his glass once more.
Hating his eyes for tearing up again.
Hating how helpless he was, suddenly a slave to his emotions after years of bottling them up.
Charlie saw right through him and he hated it too.
It took Jamie two more glasses to finally find his voice again, after they had consumed their meal in silence.
Leaning against the kitchen counter with his glass, after they had done the dishes, he formed what sounded like an apology.
“You're not even a bad guy, it would be justified to hate you if you were, I wish circumstances would have been different.”
Charlie frowned, not quite catching what he was implying.
“Then don't hate me?”
“I don't think I can… how could I not? You were the perfect bagman… You wouldn't have let …”
Jamie finished his drink before continuing to speak, tears were rolling down his face now, Charlie grabbed him by the shoulders, so Jamie looked at him with defiance and desperation.
Deep down he longed for this pain to be soothe by a human connection, by a bond strong enough to save him from drowning in the deepest darkest horrors of his tormented soul.
In another life he thought, Charlie might have been it, looking in his dark blue eyes he could almost glimpse in this alternate realm.
“Jamie, who told you such nonsense?”
“It's obvious…”
Charlie let out a deep sigh before pulling him into a hug, which came unexpectedly but wasn't rejected. “Jamie, come here.”
“It's true. I know it is.” sobbing bitter tears of regret into Charlie's shoulder, Jamie couldn't hold back, he felt oddly safe in Charlie's arms.
“Shhhhh…Don't listen to those voices… Focus on me okay? We will get through this night okay?”
Jamie pulled away, wiping the tears away from his face, his shields were up again as he emptied another glass.
“What if I don't want to?” Charlie didn't doubt him and it was concerning.
“Yes you want to.”
“What for? Walking from one tragedy into the next? Ruin more lives? To fall asleep on train tracks one night? And what does it matter to you, anyway?”
“For your family, surely they wouldn't want to be standing at your grave…”
Jamie scoffed, not really thinking straight anymore, Charlie didn't deserve this but he was here and a good catalyst.
For some reason he reminded him of Heimdall, guardian of the rainbow bridge whose watchful eyes oversaw all the nine realms and protected the realms from many dangers. However in the end he couldn't stop the dawn of the gods. Charlie wouldn't be able to stop him either, he told himself, no matter how gentle his voice was his tongue still felt silver.
“My family? Do you mean those people who think working as a detective is putting shame upon their good name? Who hopes with anticipation that my name appears in the memorial pages of the Sunday papers, so they finally bury me as they had longed for all those years ago?”
“Betty, isn't she family? Who would tell her stories like you do?”
“You're so smart, you can do it.” Jamie grabbed the bottle and moved over to the sofa.
Charlie took a deep breath, he wasn't going to lose this battle, he belonged to a proud line of men risking their lives for others. Although this wasn't a, I will not lose Hardy at the Mizzen situation, it was still very much a rather dire battle for a soul, whom although their rather harsh acquaintances he didn't want to miss out on getting to know better.
No storm reigns eternally, no night lasts forever, they would survive this and see the light again.
Slowly he walked to the sofa, there were pictures of Jamie with Betty displayed and him with John and Sarah, their smiles genuine and free of any horrors of Midsomer life. They looked like a real family there, something Jamie never had was slipping away from him and he didn't know how to deal with it. How could he? In his eyes there was nothing to fight for.
“It wouldn't be your stories, Jamie. You matter, you really do. Tell you what we shall sort this out together. Cause it's worth it, being strong together.”
Jamie looked at him, his head was spinning, the heavy liquor mixed with the adrenaline was throwing him overboard during a hurricane at high tide. It wasn't yet the pleasant feeling of ignorant bliss he had hoped for, just the remorseful state of semi awareness of the self before one drifts off into oblivion.
“I feel I'm missing five seasons of my life right now. Are you my therapist or my long suffering husband? If it's the first I'm not paying you enough, if it's the second I doubt you're real or you are hopefully cheating on me with a more stable person.”
“We're on episode one. The intro has barely just begun. It's a blank canvas. Anything can happen.”
“What genre?” Jamie laughed, he had closed his eyes, leaning back more comfortably into his sofa. Charlie watched him carefully.
“Oh you know how life here can be. Mainly a detective story, sometimes drama, hints of horror, horrific attempts at comedy and occasionally romance even.”
Jamie opened his eyes, rolling over to meet Charlie's gaze. After all he said there was still hope in his eyes.
“Love doesn't live here anymore. It died long before our time. .”
“We should call Mary Shelley about resurrection then. I heard she's got a way of handling such things.” Charlie smiled, Jamie began to laugh and curl into his open arms as he did.
“I get why everyone loves you. You have a way with words don't you?”
Charlie shrugged his shoulders with a smile.
“Do we really want to Frankenstein handle love…? I forgot your name…”
“Charlie and yes, it would be fitting considering what we deal with on a daily basis.”
Jamie looked up at him, softly caressing his cheek as he settled in his lap.
“Charlie… like the king who saved London from the fire… Tell me about what you've seen.”
“Oh the usual really, headless riders, people being killed by cheese and wine. Not to forget the aliens and the song.”
“Kam told me about the aliens. I match your cheese for chocolate and beer for wine. Nothing about headless riders but I have met a skeleton called Charlie and butterflies.”
“Carrier of souls, messengers from loved ones.”
“Loved ones.” Jamie exhaled, closing his eyes in disappointment, he almost had kissed Charlie as their faces had become closer and closer. “Yours must miss you.”
Charlie shook his head,he didn't want to talk about them now, he was more concerned about Jamie.
“You're not like me Charlie, are you?”
“Jamie.”
“Tell me, before I ruin the canvas. I fear I will if I were to ki...”
Charlie took over before Jamie could fall deeper into self loathing. Was it wrong to kiss someone he had just met while they both were clearly not in possession of their full wits.
Probably, most definitely, but it was better still than leaving to prepare for another funeral.
Jamie didn't expect the kiss, his cheeks were flushed hot and wet from tears, his lips tasted salty. Nevertheless he found himself being kissed back most hungrily.
Starting a new chapter after all can be cathartic if begun with the right players.