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“It wasn't- I didn't kill him!”
“Sure, Buck.” Hen pats his shoulder patronisingly. “Just maimed him enough so he's out of work indefinitely.”
Buck gasps, affronted.
“I mean, you did us a favour, man.” Chimney raises a glass at him. “Hen's no Bobby-”
“Hey!”
“-but she's still an upgrade over Mr. Old McAddled.”
Buck rolls his eyes but smiles despite himself.
Today had been. Intense. Enough that none of them were quite ready to head back home, needed the time to shake the remnants of adrenaline off.
Tommy understood, which was why Tommy’s here, with them, completely okay with the fact that he called off their date half an hour before it happened. It’s nice, dating a firefighter. He gets it, he really understands.
“I mean, to be fair, Evan… You were pretty pissed he kept stealing your ideas,” Tommy teases.
“Eyy, there we go! Motive!”
“Chimney!” Hen chides, and Buck's almost ready to thank her when she adds “don't listen to him, okay Buckaroo? When the courts ask us, we know nothing at all. Don't worry, we'll keep you out of jail.”
The conversation flows on, as it does, but Buck feels a little like he missed the boat. He's still…
A calming hand on his shoulder. “Hey,” Eddie murmurs. “You know they're only teasing, right?”
Buck sighs. “Yeah, I know, but it's…”
“Hey, hey, I get it. But Buck, you have no reason to feel guilty. You didn't try to hurt him on purpose. This man has had it out for you, but you still tried to save his life instead of, I don't know, attempting to end it on purpose. You should be proud of yourself.”
Buck snorts. “I don't think not trying to murder a guy is something to be proud of, exactly. “
“Yeah, well, you'd be surprised.”
Buck winces. He and Eddie have talked about that whole period in their lives, have moved on, but he can't help but blame himself a little for Eddie going off the rails. “Right. That was… Um. A bit not good. You were going through stuff?”
Eddie raises an eyebrow. ‘ A bit not good, really?’ Buck flushes.
“The point is, Buck, you did the right thing. Even though you took all of Gerard's bullshit harder than any of us, you saved his life.”
Eddie and him are close, then, sharing air. Eddie's hand is on his knee, an easy smile on his face. Buck takes a slow shaky breath in, then out. He's okay. It's okay.
A hand slides over his shoulder. Tommy. He didn’t realize he was listening in. And not just Tommy. By the looks of things, everyone else is, too.
Buck shoots a small smile at Tommy. He feels the hand on his knee slide away and misses it like it's his own limb being wrenched away.
“Eddie's right, Evan. From what I hear, you were quick on your feet, you were acting on instinct, you probably saved his life. C'mon, you wanna hit up the dance floor?”
“Uh, I- I dunno, it's been a long day. I think- I think maybe I'll just head home, y’know? Call it a night. Adrenaline crash, you know how it is.”
Chimney sighs. “Yeah, I should get home to the kids. Maddie and the girls have taken up baking, so at the very least I'll have some lovely baked goods to get home to.”
“Right. I, uh, Karen and Denny are probably waiting too.”
Buck shoots a quick glance at Eddie, whose face is crumpled in the way he's unfortunately becoming increasingly familiar with.
He turns back to Tommy, who's already booking them an Uber, and reaches out to place a hand against his forearm. “Hey, uh… I think. I think I'll head to the loft, if that's okay with you.”
“Head to the loft alone, you mean.”
Buck winces, but Tommy's already pulling him close and cupping his cheek before he can beat himself up too hard. “Evan, it's okay, I get it. Just…promise me you won't just get in your head all alone, okay?”
Buck nods, swallows the lump in his throat down. Kisses Tommy goodbye. Hugs Hen and Chim goodbye too. Watches as everyone leaves.
Almost everyone.
“So, uh…” Eddie places a hand on his shoulder. “My place?”
Buck swallows again, turns to meet Eddie's eyes. “...Yeah.”
“No, it's, I just don't want to leave you alone, you know. I know it's been hard without Chris and I-”
“Yeah, okay, pull the other one, Buck.” Eddie sets a glass of water before him. Buck takes it gratefully.
“It's not… It's nothing, really. He's… He's really good. And he's a firefighter too, so he understands, you know? He really does. Hell, he's worked under Gerrard himself, he really… he really gets it.”
“Okay, that's good. So what's the problem?”
“There is no problem,” Buck says firmly. “I really didn't want you coming back to an empty house.”
“And you could have invited him along too. We're friends, you know, that didn't stop because the two of you started dating, “ Eddie says, sitting down next to Buck on the couch. “C'mon man, talk to me, it'll give me something else to focus on.”
“Setting 2000 bees on you wasn't enough of a distraction?” Buck teases. Eddie, as expected, immediately grumbles.
“You know you’re always the first to finish the circuit during morning training, right?” He asks, side-eyeing Buck.
“Ah, but we do what, like, 20 laps? I'm an endurance runner, Eddie, you're the sprinter. Also, what can I say? I did the hard work of having the idea, so you get to do the manual labour. Doesn’t seem fair if I’m both the brains and the brawns in this operation.”
Eddie reaches out to smack Buck, and Buck ducks, laughing, setting Eddie off too. Buck can't think of anyone else he's found this easy to laugh with. The two of them could laugh at nothing at all, they have done, and yet it always feels like the laughter is bubbling up from his damn soul. All light and fizzy and happy.
“Ah, man, that was just such an insane call,” Buck says when their laughter finally trails off. “Killer bees. Killer bees! How is this always happening to us?”
“Y’know, maybe you guys were right. Maybe we are jinxed.”
There was something in Eddie's tone that was…
“Or maybe it's just me that's jinxed.”
“Aw, Eddie, don't-”
Eddie shakes his head. “No, no, you're right. I’m sorry. I don't want to do this right now. I, uh, I.”
He's had a long day. He's afraid that if he starts crying, he won't be able to stop. He's tired, and hurt, and wants to pretend just for a second that he isn't. Buck can't read minds, but he knows Eddie, knows where his head is at right now.
He purses his lips. He hates seeing Eddie suffer like this. Would do anything, will do anything, to help.
“Tommy's just… a bit difficult to really talk to, I guess,” he offers.
Eddie shoots him a grateful look at the out. “Really? I always thought he was a fairly easy guy to talk to.”
“No, yeah, he is, just… About easy stuff. But when it comes to emotions…”
“Ah. He does come off as… a bit of a man's man. It's what I liked about our friendship, I suppose. With the 118, with you, it always means something, you know? With him it's casual.”
Buck nods. “And hey, don't get me wrong, I like it! I love how easygoing things are between us. It's just, on days like this, that's not where I wanna be, I guess.”
“Got it,” Eddie nods, fake seriously. “Instead you want to be with your sad sack of a best friend, who's therapist once described him as so repressed it was like trying to speak to the baby in one of those nesting dolls.”
Buck laughs, startled. “Oh my god, wait, really? Did Frank actually say that?”
“Well maybe not in those exact words, but he certainly implied it.” Eddie's pouting, childish, and Buck laughs harder and bumps their shoulders together.
“Hey, even so. Don't sell yourself short, matryoshka, you're a good listener. And you always help me stay grounded.” Buck swallows with how… much of a confession that felt like. He needs a distraction too. “Now. I shall be kind enough to let you offer input on which documentary we're watching tonight. Are you feeling ‘The Pollinators’ or is it a ‘My Garden of a Thousand Bees’ night?”’
“Have I ever told you how much I hate you? Because I do. I really do.”
Tommy brings it up over dinner.
“Look, Evan, I didn't want to say anything because I get that he’s in a hard place, but… Don't you think we've been… spending too much time with Eddie?”
Buck pauses, forkful of pasta halfway to his mouth. “Uh… I thought, I thought you liked Eddie?”
“I do!” Tommy is quick to reassure him. “But not… in the same way I like you, you know? And I want time with just you.”
Buck looks around pointedly, at the Eddie-free loft.
“Yeah, and we've just come back from rock climbing with Eddie. Which, again, it's not like I don't like hanging out with him. But it's been 5 months, and I can count on two hands the number of days we've had a date without Eddie being involved in any way that day.”
Buck winces. That… is a fair point. As much as Buck wants to argue against it — and he does, he likes the way things are right now — Tommy is definitely right.
“Yeah. Yeah, I'm sorry, I guess I'm just a bit worried about him, you know?”
“I know. And it's sweet, but… he's a grown man. He can take care of himself.”
“Yeah.”
Buck thinks about this. Dinner isn't awkward, and Buck thinks about that, too. How not-hurt he's feeling despite essentially being told he's been a shitty boyfriend. Okay, he's a little hurt, but he doesn't really regret anything. He does regret how he doesn't regret things, though.
His head may be a bit of a mess. But now that Tommy's pointed it out, Buck decides he's going to work harder. He likes Tommy, and he likes that Tommy likes him.
He offers an olive branch during clean up.
“Hey, so,” Buck hands Tommy another washed plate. “The National History Museum is putting out this, like, surprise bee exhibit. I think they're, I don't know, trying to get ahead of any negative press? With the beenado and all.”
Tommy chuckled that warm deep masculine way that made Buck flush all over. “ Beenado?”
“I'm just calling it like I see it!”
Tommy shakes his head a little, in a way Buck is becoming intimately familiar with. Silly little Evan. Young, naïve, Evan. It should feel more humiliating than it does, but… It's kinda hot, dating this guy that's older and more experienced. And so very confident, that's definitely a turn on. It is.
“I mean, sure, if you want to. I'd have thought you'd be all for staying away from bees after this past week.”
Buck shrugs. “It wasn't their fault. Besides, me knowing shit about bees has saved us more than once. It can only help.”
“S'pose that's true. When is this?”
“It opens this weekend. Not sure how long they're gonna run it for. Last plate, here you go.”
“Mm, okay, that works out perfectly, actually. Because this means next weekend I get to force you to the Lakers game. Crypto.com Arena, 7.00 p.m. Saturday.”
Buck rolls his eyes fondly. “Yeah, yeah. You sure like watching people play with balls, huh?” He quells the brief thought that things between the two of them always feels transactional, trading one favor for another.
“Didn't hear any complaints last night,” Tommy leers predictably, setting his washcloth down. Buck’s already leaning forward when he kisses him.
“Hey, Buck, look at this. The Natural History Museum is putting up some exhibit about bees?”
Buck looks down at Eddie’s phone. “Oh, yeah, Bombtastic Bees! They're, like, trying to explain why the beenado is behaving the way it is right now, and what to do if you have a bunch of bees in your house, but they're also showing off some of their own research, I think. They've done a fair bit on the evolutionary history of bees.”
Eddie gapes at him. “Okay, how do you know all of this even before they've sent out the newsletter? Because I know you haven't checked your phone in the last two hours this has been sent.”
Buck flushes and smiles. “I may have set a Google Alert for anything on LA and bees. Saw it the second it was up on their website.”
“A what now?”
Buck rolls his eyes. “You are such a technophobe. Also, get off your phone, sous chef, I want those carrots chopped smaller. Why are you signed up to the NHM newsletter anyway?”
It tugs at something in Buck that Eddie follows his instruction almost mindlessly, tucking his phone away without a second's hesitation.
“You and Chris. Same with the Griffith Observatory, actually. Figured if I can get a heads up before the two of you finally come to me to beg about going to the latest event, I can plan around these things better. You really need to tell me we have plans earlier than two days before said plans, man.”
Buck thinks about it. Thinks about Eddie waking up, and seeing there's an exhibition in a month on Chris’ latest interest, and mentally marking his calendar busy that day. Knowing Chris won't see it, but Buck will, and that Buck will text Chris at 2 a.m., and the two of them will decide they're going but forget to tell Eddie. Thinks about how Eddie will pretend to be mad about the short notice, but he's already cleared his schedule for the day, because he just knows them that well.
He thinks about how Chris has been gone for 3 months, and how even before that he'd started growing a bit too cool for frequent days out with his dad and his dad's best friend. And he thinks about how, despite it all, Eddie still hasn't unsubscribed from the newsletters.
“Buck? You okay?”
Buck shakes his head, swallows. “Yeah, no, I'm great.”
Eddie bumps their shoulders together. “Hey. I get it. I miss him too. But I don't want you to just… Stop doing all the things you did with him, okay? We can't… we can't stop living just because he isn't here.”
“Wow,” Buck says, determinedly trying to not go down whatever line of thinking he’s on. “When did you get so wise?”
“When I started memorizing Bobby's advice.”
“Of course. I knew those words were too insightful to be yours,” he teases, and Eddie hip checks him.
“Don't tease the man with the knife, Buck, there's a few wise words for you. Anyway, Saturday work? I have this, like, thing on Sunday, and I figured you'd want to go opening weekend.”
“Uh… I, uh, I already… I already asked Tommy.”
“Oh.” Eddie pauses. “Okay, cool, we can make it a day then, the three of us.”
Buck closes his eyes. Breathes. Opens them back up so he can watch Eddie to gauge the damage he's causing. “No, um. He- he wants it to just be. The two of us.”
“ Oh .” Eddie sets his knife down. “Right. I, uh, I haven't really been giving the two of you much space, have I?”
“Eddie, it's, really okay, I mean-”
“Well clearly it's not okay, Buck!” Eddie snaps.
Buck shrinks, and all the fight leaves Eddie's body.
“Sorry. Sorry, I just. I'm done with the carrots, I'm just gonna go for a quick run before dinner, okay?”
And then Eddie is leaving, and Buck maybe hates himself a little, in that moment. Hates his boyfriend a little, too.
Buck looks at the carrots. They're chopped wonky, but small. All of them. Like Eddie went back to the slightly too large pieces and chopped them down for him, even though it's just bolognese and it arguably shouldn't matter too much.
He wonders if Tommy would re-chop carrots for him.
Things with Eddie are… fine. Except Eddie suggests they go somewhere the next weekend and Buck has to turn him down for a stupid basketball game, and he spends the whole night letting the guilt eat himself up on the inside.
Eddie's been more distant, too. Because Buck had suggested Sunday, when he'd told him he'd be busy Saturday, and Eddie's face had gone all… weird. Twitchy. Said he was meeting an old friend. They ended up making plans for Wednesday, after they'd napped off their shared 48, but Buck’s concerned. Maybe he should… check the local fight rings? Lena would tell him where to check, wouldn't she? Or maybe she'd tell Tommy?
The point is, Buck is concerned, and confused, and kind of has no idea what to do. So as he does every time he feels like this and can't talk to Eddie, he goes to Maddie.
Josh is there, also. Okay so he may have gone to Maddie at her workplace, which is maybe not a thing he should have done, but it's not like he hasn't done it before.
“So let me get this straight,” Josh says. “Eddie doesn't want you spending time with this Tommy guy, and you come to Maddie about it? At work?”
Buck glares. “It's lunch time. And it has to be at work, because her husband can't keep a secret for the life of him. Sorry, Maddie.”
“No, you're right. Josh is just mad he can't brood in the kitchen alone while listening to his sad songs and pretending he's the saddest man who ever lived because he's single.”
Josh gapes at Maddie, affronted. Buck doesn't laugh. He doesn't.
“No, look, it's. Josh, you can leave.”
“And, what, spend my break standing awkwardly in the middle of a working 911 dispatch room? No thanks.”
Buck scowls. He needs to talk to Maddie. Immediately. Or he will actually go insane. He'd prefer it be alone, but it has to be now.
“Okay. Then you have to promise not to breathe a word of this to anyone. Swear a Buckley vow.” Buck holds out his pinky finger. Josh looks at it like it's some peculiar bug he wants dead but would rather not kill himself.
“Uh. Maybe I will go stand in the middle of the dispatch room and let people berate me for being in the way, actually.”
Maddie hums. “So you don't want to hear about my brother and his problems with Tommy, his boyfriend ?” She holds her own pinky out, and wiggles it a little threateningly.
Josh's eyebrows raise, then draw into something more defeated.
“Oh you play a ruthless game, Mrs. Han. Okay. Okay, I'll bite.” Josh quickly links his finger with Maddie's, then Bucks's. “Spill.”
“So, uh, I'm…” and Buck comes to the startling realisation that he's never actually said the words out loud before, and it's… maybe a little terrifying. ‘I was on a date with a man’? That's just a description of an event. Something he had done. ‘I'm bisexual’? That's identity. That's saying, admitting, that this is who he was at his core.
He breathes in. Breathes out. ‘This doesn’t change a thing’ . “I'm bisexual.”
Josh, as expected, nods encouragingly, pats him on the hand a little awkwardly. “If only I'd known before you found yourself a boyfriend, Buckley. Then maybe I wouldn't have to listen to sad songs and mope in the kitchen while your sister makes fun of me.”
Buck blushes. Josh has a twinkle in his eye that makes it clear he's just teasing, but. It's new, being flirted at by guys. Or at least acknowledging it, and knowing he's allowed to… be happy about it? Revel in it? Something of the sort.
“Uh, well, if I knew you were on the table, I would- no, um, if you had listened to sad songs and I was. Um.”
“Oh my god, Buck, please just stop,” Maddie says a little helplessly.
Josh, the bastard that he is, laughs. “Wow. I can't believe you have a boyfriend and I don't. Pretty privilege, huh?”
“You're pretty too, Josh,” Buck says earnestly, and Josh does blush at that. Hah! He still has game.
Maddie gives him a pained look, like seeing her brother flirt with her co-worker is killing her. Well he had to watch her flirt with, have a baby with, and marry his co-worker, so she could just, like, deal.
“So. Boyfriend. Eddie. What's happening.”
“Well… Tommy pointed out that, uh, Eddie's… you know, we've been including him on a lot of our dates. Like. Most of them. And it's been 5 months but we rarely spend the whole day together without at least, like, a drop-in from Eddie.”
Josh blinks. “Wow. Didn't think Eddie was the type.”
“He's going through some stuff.”
“Isn't he always?”
Buck glares. Josh isn't exactly wrong, but he doesn't have to say it.
“So… just tell Eddie that you and Tommy need more alone time. He's not unreasonable, Buck, I'm sure he'd get it.”
Buck looks at Maddie despairingly. “I did . And he did! Maybe not, like, initially, but he got with the program pretty damn well. Maybe too well. Now when he asks to hang out it's always so, like, cautious. He used to just show up at the loft, you know, or just tell me to follow him home after work. But now it's all ‘hey, Buck, you free or do you have a thing with Tommy later?’”
Maddie frowns. “Isn't that… a good thing? That he's respecting the boundaries you set?”
“Yeah, I don't really see the problem here,” Josh adds.
Buck groans. “It's just… he looks so sad, y'know? And, like, I'm pretty sure there's something else going on, ‘cause sometimes he tells me he's busy but not what he's busy with , which wouldn't be a problem except he always looks so weirdly shifty about it. And I'm worried about him. Except I can't figure out what it is, because I barely spend time with him outside of work, and Gerrard's back so I can't do anything then.”
“Uh, just for clarity's sake… how often do you hang out now?” Josh asks.
“It used to be like, at least twice a week. And now I've seen him, like, twice in the past two weeks. Outside of work, that is.”
“Wow. And you also work, what, 48 hours a week together?”
“Uh, 72. We're on 48-96s right now, so roughly, um, roughly 3 days a week. And we’re always on shift together, ‘cause we’re partners.”
“And how often do you and Tommy go on dates?”
Buck winces. “Um… also twice a week?”
Josh purses his lips. He doesn't really have to say anything to make his point.
“Look, I know how it sounds, but Eddie’s really going through a hard time. Like- I have no idea how he's dealing with all of this alone. Literally no idea, because he's certainly doing something and I have no idea what . And the last two times he tried to deal with shit alone he made some very questionable choices. And I just feel so- so selfish . My best friend needs me right now, and I'm not there for him.”
Maddie rubs a soothing hand over his back. “It's not selfish, Buck. You're allowed to spend quality time with Tommy. You're allowed to put yourself first.”
Buck goes silent. Because… because he knows that. For once, the problem isn't him ignoring his wants. It’s…
“I don't really want to,” he admits quietly.
“Put yourself first?” Maddie asks.
“Spend quality time with Tommy.”
Maddie looks surprised. Hell, Buck's surprised. But he knows he's right.
“Okay. That's… Okay.”
“I keep-” Buck sighs, frustrated. “I like Tommy. I really do. But I still- I don't know.”
“Okay, well… what do you like about Tommy?”
Buck bites his lip. “Well, right off the bat, he's built. And he's ex-military, which is kinda hot. Not a big deal, but y'know, I've learned I really love a man in uniform, so to speak. And he's a firefighter, so he understands that part of my life, hell he lives that part of my life. That's always been a huge issue when dating, so it's nice to not have to explain things. And to be able to share that, to talk about it. And he does Muay Thai, and flies a helicopter, and he's cool and confident. I don't know. He’s really cool.”
Maddie and Josh share a look, like something’s clicking. Buck has a feeling he's not going to like whatever conclusion they've come to.
“Well…” Josh says, clearing his throat. “I've never met Tommy, but I have to say, Buck, he… uh, he sounds a lot like Eddie. Like except for the helicopter thing, and the Muay Thai thing, I would definitely have thought you were talking about Eddie. Wait, does Eddie know how to fly a helicopter?”
Buck feels something sharp and cold in his gut. “He doesn't. Know how to fly a helicopter, that is, he does Muay Thai. With Tommy, actually. Also, that's insane. It's not- I mean, they have a few similarities, but I'm not- I'm not.”
Josh shrugs. “Well, like I said, I haven't met Tommy. Maybe I'm entirely off base,” he says with a tone that suggests he thinks nothing of the sort.
“Okay, but no, these are superficial. Their likenesses. They're completely different, like, vibe-wise. Eddie's a lot less… cocksure? He comes off as super confident, but he can be very vulnerable, too. And he's angrier than Tommy, I think, but a lot more earnest, too. And the two of them look completely different.”
“Okay,” Josh says slowly. “Then why was it, that when I asked you what you liked about your boyfriend, you almost exclusively listed aspects of him that remind you of your best friend?”
Buck swallows.
“And,” Josh continues, like he isn't overturning everything Buck knew about himself ever. “When you consider how they're different… which do you prefer?”
Buck knows his answer immediately, and he hates how quick he knows it. Everything he doesn't like about Tommy, about their relationship, are things he did that Eddie wouldn't do. Ways he makes him feel that Eddie wouldn't make him feel.
Buck looks at Maddie helplessly. She bites her lip. “It's- Buck, look, when you first told me that you were dating Tommy, I. I mean you told me, later, that you had been jealous of Eddie for having Tommy's attention. But before the two of you started dating, it really, really didn't seem like it was Eddie you were jealous of.”
Buck thinks his hands are shaking, maybe. “Maddie, I can't be. I can't be. Eddie's. Eddie's straight. And still ridiculously hung up on his dead ex-wife.”
“Oh, Buck.” And she's hugging him, and he's crying into her shoulder and ruining her nice red cardigan, and Josh is patting his back awkwardly. And Buck feels none of it, or maybe feels all of it too much, and he can't help picturing Eddie finding out, Eddie leaving him, Eddie being alone.
…Eddie cannot find out. Eddie needs him right now, and he has enough on his plate, and Eddie cannot find out.
Oh, god, he's going to have to stay with Tommy and pretend everything's okay, isn't he?
It's surprisingly easy to keep Tommy in the dark. He starts spending more time with Eddie, without Tommy, because he doesn't want Tommy to catch on to the fact that he is. And also because he's now, maybe, already far too aware of all the ways Tommy isn't Eddie. This also means he occasionally ends up spending less time with Tommy, because there's only so many days in a week. He can't pretend to mind it.
They have a lot of sex, because Tommy is easily distracted by it. It's fine. Buck likes sex, and Tommy's good at it. Shows him a lot of stuff he's never explored.
The rest of the time, he's with Eddie. Except for Sundays, when Eddie is “busy”. He found a Catholic Book of Prayers at Eddie's place, and Eddie told him it was from Bobby. So Buck's… pretty sure he knows how Eddie's coping, now.
He broaches the topic one Monday night, when they've just finished watching some basketball match that Eddie had been excited about. He tries not to focus on how he'd enjoyed himself despite still not caring about basketball because it was so fun to watch Eddie get all excited over it.
“So, uh… has the church helped? Cause it's been a couple of decades for you, and LA isn't Texas, right? So I'm sure they're a lot more, like, open.”
Eddie does a spit take. Like an actual spit take, like, sprays Buck down with his spitty beer.
Buck looks down at his shirt, then at Eddie. Unimpressed. “Wow. I know I complained it was hot, but you really didn't have to do this for me, man. Like, uh, you really didn't.”
“Shut up!” Eddie wheezes through his sputtering, and Buck grins. Takes his shirt off, wipes away the beer on his chest.
Eddie's sputtering intensifies. Buck's a little worried he might actually be choking, now.
Eventually he seems to get over it himself, taking big, heavy breaths and looking anywhere but Buck. “Sorry, uh, how did you. How did you find out?”
“I mean. You were there when I found your Book of Prayers. And you've had something every Sunday for a month and a half straight. I know we joke that I'm stupid, but-”
Eddie waves him away, like the idea of Buck being stupid isn't even worth considering. It warms Buck up inside.
“No, uh. I mean. How did you. Figure out… what it was that I was struggling with?”
Buck blinks. Okay, now he's confused. “Because we talked about it?”
Eddie makes a strangled sound. “We definitely did not.”
“Dude. You've told me how it was, being the man of the house, and how you internalised the idea that you had to be a provider, and how that made you feel like you failed Shannon by not providing for her enough. And also how you were expected to marry her, to be a good husband and never divorce her, and you know. All that stuff. Gender norms. And how the church played a big role in that, growing up.”
Eddie blinked, breathed a sigh of relief. “Right,” he said, cautious. He still wasn't looking at Buck.
“...So I'm guessing that's not what you've been talking about at confession.”
Eddie makes a pained sound. “No. No it isn't. I, uh, I think I'll stop going again, actually. I thought maybe religion would help, and it didn't, and I still don’t really believe in god, but I did have this… epiphany in confession. And suddenly I was, uh. Looking at everything differently.”
Buck thinks about learning he's in love with Eddie, that he has been in love with Eddie. “Yeah, I, uh. I get that.”
“I was going to tell you-”
“You don't have to, Eddie. Whatever it is. You're allowed to work through stuff at your own pace, okay? I'm happy to wait, for however long.”
Eddie finally meets his eyes. Reaches out, hand on Buck's shoulder where it's meant to be. “I want to,” he says.
“Okay,” Buck says, a little breathless. “Okay.”
“Uh, first, I want to. Can you… this is maybe a little weird, but…”
“Anything, Eddie. Anything at all.”
“I want… to shave, first, I think. I think I'm. I'm over the mustache.”
So now they’re in Eddie’s bathroom, Eddie shirtless, wetting his face. Buck's still shirtless too, but he's somehow warm all over.
“I… I did go to confession,” Eddie says cautiously. “And I met someone. A priest. I confessed… well, all of it. Thought it might help.”
He lathers the shaving cream over his mustache. Buck watches, entranced.
“And he. He asked me a question. Well, two questions, but it both came down to the same thing, I think.”
Buck hums. Won't speak, because he doesn't have to. Eddie tells him, Eddie always tells him. Buck just has to be there.
“He asked me how I knew it was my marriage with Shannon that I missed if I spent more time away from her than I did with her. And he asked me what I missed about her.”
Eddie draws the razor down his upper lip. Once. Twice.
“He... he was asking me, I think, whether I loved her or- or what she represented. I thought about… Do you remember when I told you about Kim, and how she came back that day and she was Shannon?”
Buck nods.
“Yeah,” Eddie swallows. “Yeah, that should have said it all. Because if. I, I miss Chris, right? I miss him so much. But if this kid came up to me, and he looked and sounded exactly like Chris, I wouldn't be. I wouldn't be taken in by it. I wouldn't want fake-Chris around me. There’s no comfort fake-Chris could give me, because I know my kid, and I would know if it wasn’t my kid.”
Eddie bites his lip. Nervous, far more nervous than Buck has ever seen him look. “I… remember when you were dead. Just 3 minutes, 17 seconds. But it felt like it stretched out forever. I thought about how that felt, and how Shannon dying felt, and how different it was. It hurt, seeing Shannon die. God, it hurt. It still hurts. But I was… They didn't intubate immediately. To give me a chance to say goodbye. And I said…” Eddie laughs, a little pained, a little hysterical. “I said ‘just be silent’, God, I was such a dick. And I told her I loved her, and that Christopher loved her, because that's what I thought she'd want to hear in her last moments. She wasn't even dead yet. She was alive, and talking, but I had already accepted her death.”
He makes another pass over his moustache. Rinses the razor out.
“With you it was- I was desperate Buck. Your heart had stopped but I couldn't accept it, wouldn't accept it. Because I know you. I know you . And I could never accept the idea of you not being there. I’d drag you back away from the reaper's hands myself if I had to. The idea of you not being there one day is… incomprehensible.”
“Eddie…” Buck sighs, unbidden. Eddie looks away, determined, removes the last of his moustache. Rinses the lather away.
He breathes, and he looks at his own reflection. Clean shaven, now.
“I used to see my father, in the mirror. My grandfather. I saw the man I was supposed to be. A man that had a wife, that loved his wife, that provided for his family. And I tried so hard to be that, Buck. And I kept failing. And each time I failed I thought- ‘Next time. I'll do better next time.’”
Buck stands behind Eddie, places a hand on his shoulder. Rubs his thumb over it and hopes Eddie understands whatever it is Buck's trying to say, emotions too big for words.
“I hurt Shannon. I hurt Ana. I hurt Marisol, and Kim, and no matter how hard I tried, I could never love them the way they needed me to. The way I needed me to. I thought… I thought I was incapable of it. That I was broken.”
Eddie’s gaze shifts, and now he’s looking at Buck. Meeting his eyes through the mirror.
“When I look at myself now, Buck, I… I see me. Not. Not who I'm supposed to be. And I think- no, I know I'm not incapable of love. Because how could I be, when I see how I feel when I look at you?”
“Oh, Eddie,” and Buck is turning Eddie around, hugging him as hard as he can and then some. He won't kiss him, this isn't the time, but he needs Eddie to know.
Eddie's crying into his shoulder, gripping him back just as tightly. “I'm gay,” he whispers, trembling. “Oh my god. I'm gay.”
“And I'm so. I'm so proud of you, Eddie, I'm so, so fucking proud. I'm so- I can't even tell you how proud I am.”
Eddie shudders in his arms. “When I realised, it was like. God. This is how it feels. This is how it's supposed to feel. It's… It's such a relief. I can't believe I went around with this feeling in my heart and never… never let myself look at it. At how much I love you.”
“I love you too. I love you too, Eddie, so, so much. It's all I can feel, some days. And I feel your love too, Eddie, and it's so kind and pure. You are not incapable of love. You gave me your heart and your home and your son. And I love you for it, I love you.”
Eddie pulls away, taking Buck's face between his hands. His face is red and wet with tears, his hair's a mess and his eyes are puffy. He's the most beautiful person Buck has ever seen.
“Man, why the hell are you still dating Tommy?” Eddie says through still welling tears. Buck barks a laugh through his own tears.
“Didn't- Didn't want you to realise I was in love with you. Also, don't call me man after confessing your undying love for me.”
“Whatever you say, bro.”
And then they're laughing, and still crying, and still holding each other. Buck presses his cheek against Eddie's temple and thinks this is it. Thinks I see you, I really do, and I love you. And loving you is the best part of me. And I love myself because I love you.
Tomorrow, he'll break up with Tommy. And then he might buy a ring. It's probably too soon, and he might rethink it when he's not thinking through 300 layers of love and relief swaddling him but.
Whether it's tomorrow or in five years, he's going to be the one to show Eddie Diaz what a good husband he is when he's with the right person.