Chapter Text
By the time Dua returned, two-thirds of the chipmunks were already dead. Theodore died first because the fatties are usually the first to go in a survival situation like this. GG Allin meanwhile was still at it like the human tank he was, force-feeding Muslims with raw pork bellies he had hid for three weeks in his shitty asscrack.
"What is going on here? Who from the senate approved of Shariah Law!?" Dua exclaimed.
Eddy emerged from his hiding. "Where the fuck have you been, skank?" he said.
"I-I was just rehearsing at the back. Can"t you hear me?" Dua said, not batting an eye at her employer.
"Well, I hope those pipes are warmed up good "cause Abdullah and his colleagues over there are just itching for it!"
"Don"t worry, Eddy. I got this!"
Dua cleared her throat, which was hard to do with all the dried semen she had swallowed from the orgy earlier. After an ear-piercing feedback, the mic broadcasted her voice for everyone to hear:
Apateu, Apateu, Apateu, Apateu
Apateu, Apateu, uh, uh-huh, uh-huh
Apateu, Apateu, Apateu, Apateu
Apateu, Apateu, uh, uh-huh, uh-huh
Kissy face, kissy face sent to your phone, but
I"m trying to kiss your lips for real (uh-huh, uh-huh)
Red hearts, red hearts, that"s what I"m on, yeah
Come give me somethin" I can feel, oh-oh-oh
ISIS remained still, evaluating halfway through the song until one finally spoke out, "OH GOD! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! I"M SICK AND TIRED OF HEARING THIS GODDAMN SONG PLAYED ON REPEAT EVERYWHERE I GO: RADIOS, TV PROGRAMS, ALL THE SEXY LITTLE GIRLS" TIKTOK ACCOUNT I FOLLOWED! I CANT ESCAPE IT. MY LIFE IS CURSED!"
Of course he said all that in Arabic. The rest of the Isis operatives shared his sentiments and panicked. If there"s one thing aside from Dua Lipa"s music that would drive them away like roaches, it"s Apateu by Rosé and Bruno Mars.
"THERE"S ONLY ONE WAY TO PUT AN END TO THIS SUFFERING. I REGRET MY DECISION TO HAVE WAITED THIS LONG."
The troubled ISIS member shouted, "ALOHA SNACKBAR!" before pressing the trigger. His vest detonated, scattering torn chunks of flesh. His peers followed suit, and their combined explosives created a blast equivalent to five thousand tons of TNT or the cumshots from BelAmi"s world record gay orgy. The explosion leveled the entire area, seemingly incinerating every mortal being within its radius—including GG Allin, despite it taking over ten minutes for the heat to escalate from first-degree burns to absolute charred. It"s a sad ending for him but he would’ve loved to die this way anyway.
Nothing appeared to have survived, but history had shown—like after the asteroid wiped out the dinosaurs—that tiny mammals have a knack for survival. Alvin proved it as he emerged from the settling soot and smoke. A true alpha. But there can"t be the sigmunks without his bros. Failing to grapple with the death of Simon and Theodore, Alvin committed seppuku using a buttplug.
THE END