Work Text:
"Auntie Nampheung when will baby Chaychay come out?" Little 5 year old Kim asked with a mixture of curiosity and excitement in his eyes. He's rubbing his small hands on his Auntie's belly as he leans his ear close as if the baby inside would talk to him.
"Just a few more weeks, Kimmy." Nampheung answered the kid.
Since then; Kim has been a constant member of the Kittisawat household. Coming to their house every after class just to see the newborn baby.
Brings home candies and small toys he won at a claw machine for little Chaychay.
Kim was there when Porchay first took a step, when he said his first word, tasted his first solid food, and first day in pre-school.
Until...
"P'Kim! Chaychay will marry you when I get old." 6 year old Porchay said to an 11 year old Kim.
"Marry me? You can't marry me, Chaychay." Kim calmly said before wiping the corner of Porchay's lips with smeared ketchup from the fries they're eating.
Porchay let out an hmp sound as he crossed his arms over his chest. "Why not?" He whined. "The teacher said we should marry the person we love!" He added, frowns on his forehead, making Kim chuckle. "Chaychay loves P'Kim!"
โ โ โ
"P'Kim! I know what graduation gift I want!" 12 year old Porchay said while twirling around the school ground wearing his white graduation gown.
Kim is watching him with fondness swimming in his eyes. "What gift do you want, Chaychay?"
"Marry me, P'Kim!" The younger one immediately answered, looking hopeful to a 17 year old Kimhan.
"I told you, you can't marry me." Kim chose to just ruffle Porchay's hair making the younger one groan with how he messed up his perfectly groomed hair.
"I'll marry you someday, phi!"
โ โ โ
"P'Kim, congratulations!" Porchay happily said as he handed a bouquet with a mixture of yellow tulips and forget-me-nots. The bright yellow color of the Tulips perfectly contrasts the light and faded blue color from forget-me-nots.
With a smile, Kim pulled Porchay for a hug and enveloped him in his black graduation gown, making the younger one blush. "Thank you, Chaychay" Kim softly mumbled against Porchay's ear.
"P'Kim..." Chay said as he pulled away from the hug. "I like you." He confessed with such honesty laced with adoration in his eyes. "I mean it, P'Kim."
"Chaychay, we've talked about this before. No, I will not marry you."
"I'm not asking you to marry me." Porchay answered, sounding all defensive. "I'm telling you that I like you. That I have feelings for you."
"Chaychay. You don't know what you're talking about, you're still too young."
"I'm already 18!" Chay rebutted. "I don't care if you're five years older than me. I like you!"
"No. Porchay."
โ โ โ
20 year old Porchay who just finished the last day of second year in college was out with his uni friends for a drink.
"Hello, Chaychay?" Kim answered his call in three short rings.
Porchay chuckled and blushed at that, he felt special. "P'Kiiiiim!" Extending the only vowel in Kim's name as he hiccupped.
"Are you drunk?"
"No. Chaychay is not drunk, phi."
"Where are you?"
"Why? Are you fetching me?"
"Yes, now tell me where you are."
"But I don't want you to fetch me..."
"Porchay."
"I want you to love me back, P'Kim." Kim suddenly heard sniffs from the other line, followed by sobs.
"Hi, I'm sorry. This is Blue, Porchay's classmate. He drank a lot, we don't know why. I'll send you our location." An unfamiliar voice of a man spoke before the line ended.
Kim drove for an hour, the bar where Porchay and his friends drank was located far out of the city. When he reaches the location, he already sees Porchay being handled by a man Kim isn't familiar with.
"Porchay!" He gets the younger's attention as he walks closer.
Porchay lifted his head up and smiled widely at Kim, he balanced himself and opened his arms widely for Kim to hold him. "P'Kim!!!"
Kim guided Porchay to his car, not even bothering to say goodbye to Porchay's friends. His arm is wrapped around Chay's slim waist as he carefully places Porchay inside the passenger seat.
"How many did you drink?"
Porchay, with his head already hammering him down, leaned his body on the door of Kim's car. He tilted his head towards Kim who was adjusting his seatbelt for him. He's counting on his fingers like a kid and Kim finds it so endearing to watch. "Five bottles!"
Kim shook his head before igniting the engine, he started driving back to his apartment.
"Why did you drink?"
"Because..." Porchay pursing his lips, glances outside the window, watching the city lights and the cars passing by. "I realized how much I love you." He whispered, but enough for Kim to hear.
"Chay, are we having this conversation again?"
"You still won't believe me..."
"Stop this game already, you're already twenty. You're not a kid anymore."
Looking back at Kim with eyes gleaming in tears "That's the thing, P'Kim. I'm already old enough but you still see me like that kid who always follows you around in diapers." He bitterly answered that made Kim park his car on the nearest sidewalk.
"Because you keep playing your childish game!" Kim irritatingly answered. "How many times do I have to tell you to stop it? Stop this gameโ" he halted his words when he looked at Porchay who was already in tears. "Chay..." Guilt ran quickly to his eyes, he tried reaching for Porchay's eyes to wipe those tearsโPorchay didn't let him.
"I told you... I keep telling you I have liked you since I was younger." Sober enough, Porchay wiped his own tears. "And I'm telling you now that I love you!"
"Enough!"
"I love you, P'Kim." Porchay sobbed. "When will you stop seeing me as a kid?"
"Chay, you're like my baby brother."
"I don't want to be your baby brother! I love you!"
โ โ โ
Since that sober confession from Porchay, Kim hasn't texted himโnot even once.
But itโs okay, maybe he's busy. Kim might be in his studio, producing songs for his clients.
But Porchay misses him terribly. Just one phone callโhe said to himself. He dialed Kim's number but it went straight to voicemail. His calls keep going to voicemails for the next ten minutes before he decides to give up.
It's been like that for the following weeks as well. Kim is not answering his calls or messages. Sometimes his call would be dropped after a few rings. Sometimes, it would keep ringing and ringing until it's Porchay who would end up ending the call.
For his last attempt this day; Porchay felt his chest tightening the same time his call was dropped. Kim slid to the red button again.
But that wasn't Porchay's concern right now. His chest... Fuck, he's having a hard time breathing. He's thumping his left chest with his fisted hand, hoping for his heart to beat a little slower and make him breathe easier.
He was gripping on his phone, tightly that his fingerprints were already embedding on the screen. Chest heaving, heart beats fast, and throat tightening; all of those made him lose his balance, falling on the floor.
Yellow... There were yellow petals on the floor when he gained consciousness.
With a throbbing head, he sits up on the floor as he stares at those flowers surrounding him.
They look beautiful. Spuriously beautiful.
Its beauty was fake. A dream. Fantasy.
Because Porchay knows exactly what those yellow petals mean. No, he doesn't want to believe it, but at the back of his head he already knew why he got it.
He tried calling Kim again, he wanted to hear Kim's voice. He wanted to talk to the man he loved for so long but chose to plant flowers in him. Just like before, Kim dropped the call.
And there is that feeling again, the sudden tightening in his chest. He clutched on his left chest before vomiting new sets of yellow petals. Tears immediately ran down his eyes.
๐ข๐ธ ๐ข๐ธ ๐ข๐ธ
"Are you so busy that you couldn't even answer one of my hundred phone calls?" Porchay said as he stood behind Kim who just got out of his car.
"Porchay..." Kim surprisingly answered.
"Good. You still know me." He said full of spite.
"It's late, why are you here?"
"I don't know. Maybe because you won't answer any of my calls for a month or maybe because you don't text me." Porchay walked closer to Kim, his eyes tired. "It might be because you still treat and see me as a child, that you couldn't believe my confession."
There it is again... His chest compresses, making him hard to breathe, but Kim can't know. He can't.
"Chay, this again?"
"Let me ask you this P'Kim." Porchay gulped as he started breathing heavily. "Have you ever loved me? Not as the kid you saw growing up, but as me, as Porchay." His voice breaks as he feels tightness and running up to his throat. "Have you ever felt... just a tiny bit of love for me? Romantically."
"Porchay..." Kim wanted to look away. He wanted to take his gaze away from those eyes glistening in tears. "Let's not talk about this right now."
"But you're hurting me!" Porchay spat his words before clutching on his chest. "You're making me sick inside!" He added as he pointed on his chest that's having a hard time pumping blood for him. It feels so tight inside him.
"Let's get you home, Chay." Kim walked closer to Chay, his arm going automatically to the younger one's waist but before he could touch Porchay, Chay had already swatted his hand away.
"You will never believe me, don't you? You will never take my words seriously? You only think my words, confession, and feelings for you are childish, right?"
"Porchay, please. It's not like that."
"Then why!? Why don't you believe me? How many times do I have to tell you that I love you! I fucking love you, Kim. No, I'm not the 6 year old or 12 year old Chay anymore!" Porchay sniffed. He can feel the pain in his throat, and he knows, he knows his yellow petals would come out any moment now. "I'm fucking 20 year old, P'Kim! And 20 year old Porchay is in love with you!"
"We can't... I don't..." Kim was stunned with Porchay's sudden outburst of emotion. "We grew up together, Chay. It's not right."
"Do you feel anything for me or nothing?"
"I... don't know."
Porchay nodded at him. He needs to leave now before he covers this apartment lobby with his yellow petals and makes everyone know about his one sided and unrequited love for the man in front of him.
He turned his heel back, running away from Kimhan without sparing him a last glance even when Kim kept screaming for Porchay's name.
Yellow petals covered the pavement a few blocks away from Kim's apartment. Porchay slumps on the gutter, his eyes red from crying and his chest heaving faster than he had experienced before.
๐ข๐ธ ๐ข๐ธ ๐ข๐ธ
"Kim, do you know where Porchay is? He's not answering my call." Porsche asked through the other line, sounding so worried.
"I don't know, Porsche. I've been in my studio for a week now."
"Okay, I'll just visit him in his apartment."
Porsche reached Porchay's apartment in no time, once inside what welcomed him were yellow petals scattered all over the floor. It leads to Chay's room and Porsche's heart starts pounding. He doesn't like what he's feeling.
Inside Porchay's room, he saw his brother sitting on the floor. Porchay's back leaning on the bed, petals in bright yellow now surrounding his brother. When he walked closer, tears ran down Porsche's eyes as full bloom flowers were on Porchay's lap and his lips so pale.
Lifeless.
Porchay is looking lifeless while surrounded by bright colored petals.
๐ข๐ธ ๐ข๐ธ ๐ข๐ธ
"What happened, Khun?" Kim arrived at the hospital after he finished producing a new song. He got a call from Khun and was told it was urgent.
"Do you know that Chay is in love with you?" Khun flatly asked his brother. Seconds later, Porsche emerges from a private hospital room and walks towards them.
"Kim, are you aware that Porchay loves you?" Porsche asked the moment he faced Kim.
With a frown on his face, looking all confused, Kim asked "Why are you both asking me that?"
"Do you or do you not know, Kim?" Khun asked again, sounding more serious this time.
"You know Chay, he's been telling me that since he was a kid. He's still saying he does until now and โ"
"He loves you."
"Porchay loves you."
Khun and Porsche said at the same time, making Kim halt his words.
"He don't, he's just confused because we've been together since we were kidsโ"
"Porchay is in love with you!" Khun raises his voice. "Stop being stupid, Kimhan! You know Porchay loves you!"
"Iโ"
"Hanahaki Disease, Kim." Porsche mumbles. "Porchay has that. He developed that disease while loving you."
"No. He can't be." Kim breathes as he shakes his head, not wanting to believe the last words that Porsche said.
๐ข๐ธ ๐ข๐ธ ๐ข๐ธ
"Porchay, are you sure with this?? Porsche was sitting at the foot of the bed, looking concerned at his brother. During the doctor's visit, they have found out that the cause of Porchay's excruciating chest pain and intense shortness of breath was because of the growing flowers inside him. The roots caged his organs specially his lungs, little thorns bruising his tissues, and it had already reached his heart squeezing it tight until he lost consciousness. The last stage of the disease.
Porchay isn't even sure of what he needs to do right now or what to feel, everything has been so sudden that he has no plans, he wasn't ready. All Porchay knows is that he could die, and heck, he doesn't want to!
"Hia..." He started, first word but his voice already broke. "I'm sure," he flatly added.
"You know the consequences of this, right? You heard what the doctor said."
Consequences? Like what? He would lose his feelings for Kim and he couldn't fall in love with him anymore? Porchay has long accepted that, and his situation right now just solidifies the fact that Kim only sees him as a younger brother and nothing more.
"I know, Hia." Porchay nodded, sounding so certain with his decision. He has been holding on a small piece of paper, his fingers tracing the sharp ends as if getting a paper cut would hurt more than having those flowers growing inside him. His fingers moved and suddenly he's signing on the paper, his signature sitting comfortably above his full name that he wrote before Porsche barged inside his hospital room with the doctor. A lone tear ran down his eye, it dropped directly on a clause that says "patient acknowledges that he/she understood the after effects of the surgery stated above" and somehow reading that made him have second thoughts, but it was gone seconds after. Porchay is sure. He's tired, he doesn't want to feel the pain anymore, whether it's physically or emotionally, he's had enough. "All my life I've been following him around. I'm tired, Hia. I don't want to beg for him to prove myselfโmy feelingsโfor him anymore." He placed the waiver back on the bedside cabinet and smiled at his brother. "I'm tired of running after P'Kim, Hia. I think I have chased him enough."
๐ข๐ธ ๐ข๐ธ ๐ข๐ธ
"Kim..." Khun faces his brother that he met just outside Porchay's hospital room. "Can I ask you something?" His voice stern, and Kim hasn't heard his brother's voice this serious. Before he could answer, Porsche arrived and stood beside Khun. The older ones facing him with their grim faces. "Do you really not feel anything for Porchay?"
Kim felt the pressure suddenly suffocating him, it reached his throat that he couldn't even swallow the lump that has been sitting there since Khun started talking. "Am I even allowed to?โ he mumbles mindlessly.
"What made you think you couldn't?" Porsche asked, his curiosity spiking up with Kim's words.
Kim glances at Porsche, then to Khun. "We grew up together."
Porsche can't help but to scoff. "Me and Kinn grew up together too!" his voice raising a little with his sudden frustration.
"But it's different!" Kim answered. "I was there when Authie Nampheung was still pregnant with Porchay, I basically waited for him to be born and grew up with him. We're like brothers!"
Khun can only shake his head with what his brother said. "You don't treat him like a brother, Kim. You know that." Khun knows how much Kim treasures the youngest Kittisawat, he doesn't treat Porsche like how he cares at Porchay. "Do you feel anything for him?"
Kim let his head hang low before he slowly nodded.
"Since when?" It was Porsche's surprised gasps.
"It started weeks after I distanced myself to Porchay." Kim whispered, "I came to realize and accept to myself that I do not care for Porchay like how an older brother should..." He added before ending his sentence with, "It's more than that... It's way deeper than how it should be."
Porsche and Khun collectively sighed heavily accompanied by their slumping shoulders, and somehow, Kim felt like something had happened. Something he couldn't change. "So, around the time Porchay started developing the symptoms."
Khun's glance went from Kim to Porsche before mumbling "Still too late."
"Too late? What do you mean it's too late?" The sudden panic in Kim's voice made Khun regret his words, but whether Kim heard it or not, nothing will change. It's already too late. "I know I'm just starting to feel things for Porchay but I already talked to Auntie Nampheung, she said it's okay. Auntie said I can like Porchay, it's not too late."
"Kim..." Porsche approaches him slowly, carefully placing his hand on Kim's shoulder for a sympathetic squeeze. "It's too late, Kim."
"It's not!" Kim almost screamed with how his voice suddenly rose. "I know I started liking him late, but it can still help dry out those damn flowers growing inside Porchay!" His voice sounded so troubled, because he knows, deep inside him, that something isn't right. "It might be a slow process but Porsche, we can still dry them out!"
Khun walked over to Kim, placed his arms around his younger brother who looked so much in despair. "Porchay has already signed the surgery waiver," he said silently. Khun could feel how Kim's body tensed, how he gasped and held his breath, and how Kim's eyes started producing those tears filled with regret. "He's been inside the operating room for an hour now..." as much as he doesn't want to add more pain to Kim, he needs to know.
"Why did no one tell me?" his voice breaks as he sobs in his brother's arms. He felt like drowning. Kim wonders if this is how much pain Porchay felt when he kept rejecting him, when he cried in front of him outside his apartment. Kim wanted to just rip his heart out and throw it on the floor, crash it himself, and let it shatter in pieces instead of feeling it beat in his chest. It hurts him so much with the fact that Porchay is willing to undergo the surgery just to remove his feelings for him. Regret, guilt, and shame all rain down on him at once.
๐ข๐ธ ๐ข๐ธ ๐ข๐ธ
Kim was leaning his head down on Porchay's bed, his hand gripping tightly on Porchay's, as if one little move and Chay would be gone in his sight. He was mumbling, talking to himself how much regret he's been feeling. How he hated himself for ever stopping his feelings, for stopping himself from falling to Porchay earlier. He loathes himself for letting himself feel too late. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Chay. I'm so sorry" Kim kept on mumbling against Porchay's wrist, his lips softly touching Chay's pulse.
When Porchay woke up the third day, Kim was still in that very same position being the only difference as his hands were both gripping Porchay unimaginably close to his lips. With his free hand, Porchay brushes Kim's hair, slowly and carefully, not wanting to shock the elder. "Phi..."
Kim groaned before rubbing his eyes, he felt fingers brushing through his hair and jolted in his seat. "Chay!" he exclaimed. Kim moved closer to Porchay, assisting him to sit on his bed and handing him a glass of warm water. "How are you feeling?"
Porchay smiled at Kim, but Kim felt a pang in his chest, something sharp suddenly started stabbing him inside. Porchay's eyes... The way he looks at Kim, isn't what they looked like when he was confessing to him. Though it shines for him, the gleam was very much similar to the 5 year old Porchay's eyes, where the younger lad still hasn't told him he will marry him someday. Porchay looks at him like how he does when he still sees him like an older brother. The adoration, love, and dedication are gone. Porchay's eyes were looking at him but the only thing that's running in his mind was that His eyes weren't my 20 year old Porchay anymore but the 5 year old kid I often carried on my back. His eyes, they changed, the way it gleams at him changed. Gone was the Porchay that loved him. Gone was his Porchay. Gone was the man he was just starting to like. He was indeed too late.
Unknown to Kim; every night that he cries on Porchay's bedside, blaming himself, and mumbling to himself how stupid he was for liking Porchay late, Porchay was there and listening to him. Porchay is aware of Kim's feelings for him, how he started liking him when he was already having his symptoms, and how Kim talked to his mom asking for guidance. Porchay though, even after knowing all of those things, does not feel anything. Must be the outcome of the surgery but all he felt for Kim was pity. Pity for witnessing the elder one realize his feeling late, now that he can't reciprocate it anymore.
"P'Kim..." He mumbled after sipping an ample amount of water, enough to moist his drying throat. "Phi..."
Kim just hummed as he smiled at Chay, trying his best to ease the pain seeping in. "Yes, Chay?"
Today must've been the dayโKim thought to himself. He was readying himself for this, he was conditioning not just his heart but his mind too. Porchay would tell him to stop his feeling, Kim could feel it with the way Porchay looks at him.
"P'Kim... whatever you're feeling for me..." He knew it. Kim knew it. Fuck. Kim felt like getting pulled down by those roots from Porchay's flowers, down to a bed full of thorns that once bruised Chay's insides. "Please, stop it, phi."
"Why?" he asked, not that he doesn't already know why but Kim just really wants to hear it coming from Porchay's lips. "Just let me like you, Chay. I didn't have the courage to like you when you still have feelings for me, I want to feel it now, even when you..." he smiled. Fuck. This shit is suffocating. "Even when it wouldn't change a thing."
Porchay shook his head, reached for Kim's hand, and gripped them tightly. "I don't want you to get sick like me, P'Kim." Kim immediately held Porchay's hand, his grip tightened every second that passed by. "You know I can't reciprocate what you're feeling right now, not anymore."
And those words struck Kimhan straight to his already shattered heart. Even when Porchay suffered because of him, even when Porchay doesn't feel anything for him anymore, he still thinks of Kimhan's wellbeing. How stupid can I be to take all of these for granted, Kim screamed at himself. Stupid Kimhan. "Just let me, Chay. I want to keep liking you, please."
"No. You'll get sick." Porchay firmly shook his head. "I don't want you to experience what I went through."
"But I deserve that, Chay." Kim thought he saw a glint of regret in Chay's eyes but it washes away in seconds. "I deserve to suffer like how you did from loving me and me ignoring it."
Porchay kept on shaking his head, he didn't want it. He doesn't want Kim to hurt himself. He doesn't want Kim to punish himself. "Don't, phi." he softly said. "I might not feel anything for you now, I might've suffered loving you before, but please know that loving you was one of the best feelings I ever felt. The surgery might remove what I feel for you, but I know that loving you feels wonderful." ย Porchay let out a small smile before saying, "I wouldn't love you for years if loving you doesn't feel like waking up in bed full of different colored flower petals with their soft and delicate floral scent surrounding me. I wouldn't love you since I was six if loving you doesn't feel like floating in the air with clouds in different shapes and sizes touching me."
"Chay..." Kim sobbed, hand gripping tighter on Porchay's. "I'm sorry. I'm really sorry."
"Itโs okay, P'Kim." Porchay reaches for Kim's face, uses his finger to wipe those tears full of agony, grief, guilt, and regret. "Don't hurt yourself because of me. Stop punishing yourself, P'Kim. Please? Do it for me, P'Kim."
Kim breaks down, his sobs going louder as he leaned his head on Porchay's shoulder. Is this really it? The feeling he's just starting to feel, the one he realized too late, needs to be stopped. He wasn't even given a chance to prove himself, to prove his feelings.
"I don't want to plant flowers in you." Porchay calmly said, the calmness that breaks Kimhan's whole being. "I want you to walk on a path full of flowers, not grow flowers that could cage your heart."
And at that moment, Kim was so sure he also wanted to walk on a path full of flowers. Flowers that will come from him, flowers that will grow in him with his now unreciprocated feelings for Porchay.
Kim will walk on a flowery path that he will make for himselfโby himselfโas he sets his mind to continue loving Porchay even if it will make him sick.
"I'm sorry, Chay. I don't think I can stop liking you. I just realized what I feel for you, I'm just starting to love you. I want to keep loving you until I fill my path with my own flowers."