Chapter Text
“Levi!”
Huh?
I blink my eyes open and I’m shaking. Mostly because one of Erwin’s big hands is shaking me by the shoulder, but also because I’m having a panic attack.
I’m having a panic attack.
I can tell because it feels like I might be having a heart attack. The sad thing is, this isn’t even particularly bad compared to others I’ve had.
I swat uncoordinatedly at Erwin’s hand and curl up on my side, cupping a hand over my mouth so I don’t hyperventilate. I feel like total shit.
“Levi. Is this… are you having a panic attack?”
Erwin looks freaked out, but he’s still good at keeping cool in situations like this.
I nod my head a bit. I’m keeping my eyes clenched shut while I try to get my breathing under control.
There’s a million things that run through my mind during these fits. Mainly it’s just a feeling of… drowning. Just drowning in all the stuff happening to me and feeling like I have absolutely no control over it. Then there are all my worries. What if mom and dad decide that I’m a shitty son? What will happen if Kenny breaks out of prison and comes for me? What if I never stop being so fucked up? What if my friends decide they hate me? What if I fail all my classes? I’ll worry even about stupid, unlikely things. And then I get memories… and with them comes the feelings of shame. It makes me want to crawl into a dark hole and die.
That’s the mental sensation. The physical sensation is like being strangled. Literally, like someone has you by the neck and is bearing down with crushing force. I know logically that I’m actually sucking in too much oxygen, but it doesn’t seem like nearly enough. Having a panic attack makes you feel like you’re dying. And dying slow.
“I’m calling your parents,” Erwin says, moving to grab my phone off the end table.
We both ended up crashing on the plush sofas in the Smith’s large living room at maybe one in the morning after watching a horror movie and conversing about nothing in particular.
I grab his wrist before he can pick it up.
“No. Don’t. Will be… fine. Just… minute,” I gasp out.
“Are you… you sure?”
I nod again.
I can’t help the distressed gasps I’m making and I hate that Erwin is here to hear how broken I am.
“Water,” I request.
It takes two exhales to say it, though.
Erwin looks hesitant to leave me to go to the kitchen, but I wave him off.
He returns in no time at all with the glass of water. I have him set it on the end table. He sits down on the sofa beside me. I’m… small enough that I don’t take up much space.
I’m feeling mostly calm, but my heart is still racing and my breath is hitched. Most embarrassing is that I’m crying. I can’t help it and it sucks. Hot sticky tears are soaking my face and I can’t stop shaking.
I’m surprised when I feel a hand rest on my forehead, but I don’t make a move to shake it off. It should be awkward, but I can’t deny that the human contact feels good.
After a minute I reach up to the water glass, and Erwin grabs it for me. He helps me drink because I’m feeling too weak to get a solid grasp on it. I get down a few gulps and it makes me feel a little bit better. Sipping at the water
forces my breathing into better regularity.
“Mm fine…” I mutter.
Can’t meet his eye.
“Do you… have panic attacks often? Do your parents know about this?” Erwin asks.
“Have one every… week or two. They help me through them,” I explain half-heartedly.
I run my sleeve under my eyes, trying to get rid of any of the teary residue left behind. At least my nose didn’t run. Fucking gross.
“They’ll want to know you just had another.”
“I’ll tell them tomorrow. If I tell them now they’ll worry and probably want to come and pick me up. I just want… I’m fine now. Let’s just go back to sleep.”
“Levi, you were… you were talking in your sleep. That’s why I woke you up.”
Oh god.
“What was I saying?”
Erwin hesitates.
“Just… fucking tell me. I’m too fucking exhausted to be embarrassed.”
Not strictly true, but whatever.
“Uh. You were saying “daddy” a lot… I couldn’t make out any other words, but you seemed… distressed,” he admits, not willing to meet my eyes.
Horribly awkward, but it could have been so much worse.
“You can talk to me, Levi. I’m a good listener, and you know I won’t judge you for it.”
Normally I’d immediately brush off the offer. I mean, I already have a goddamn psychologist and I’m not much of a talker to begin with. But something in me gives pause. Erwin is a good listener. And he’s being honest when he says he won’t judge. He’s the one that got the ball rolling. If it weren’t for him I wouldn’t have reunited with my real parents. He’s been nothing but supportive for as long as I’ve fucking known him. Maybe it’s having burned
through a panic attack at three in the morning in his living room that makes me say it.
“I used to call him daddy in private. He had his own set of... pet names for me.”
I look to Erwin, and he’s listening intently. I can only just barely make him out in the room’s darkness.
“We shared a bed. Every night. I’m still getting used to not having him beside me. Makes my skin itch. There’s a lot of things I’m trying to make sense of now. I… I want him back so bad but at the same time just thinking about him makes me want to fucking vomit,” I confess, running my hands over my face and resting the heel of my palms over my eyes.
“You’ve known him longer than you’ve known anybody else. I could count the number of weeks you’ve been separated from him on my hands. Just try not to tackle everything at once, or you’ll be overwhelmed. One battle at a time.”
Erwin is right. (He usually is, damn him.) I’ve been overwhelming myself looking at the whole daunting list of things that are fucking me up. In my anxious need to get over my problems as quickly as possible, I’ve been stressed. I know logically that I can’t do everything at once, but I’ve been berating myself for not doing just that.
“You’re not giving yourself enough credit, I think. I mean, you’ve been to hell and back, but you’re still… functional. You’re still in school, making up for lost years with your parents… you went to a party with your friends for the first time tonight. You’re tough as nails, Levi.”
Am I? I sure don’t feel that way. It feels like I’m unraveling at the seams. I sit with my elbows on my knees, head down with my fingers carding through my dark hair. There are crickets outside and the ceiling fan rhythmically hums, ever so faintly. Soothing. Maddening. My skin still itches.
“I’ll be okay,” I say shortly, forcing myself to lie down. Erwin’s big stupid, hulking form stares at me for a moment. It’s too dark in the room for me to see his face clearly, but I know what expression he wears.
“Yes. You will be.”