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It had been five months since Moley moved in with me, it had been two months since I realized I liked him.
At first, I decided just to suppress my feelings since there was no way he liked me, right?
The first week after I realized I had been a person in hell. I was so conflicted about what to do. But I knew what I couldn't do. I knew I couldn't just pretend like nothing was wrong. Knowing my luck, I would probably just end up blurting all of my feelings out at once and then Moley would hate me and never talk to me again. “No I'm not being dramatic, that's what would happen.” I thought to myself after thinking about all of the other horrible outcomes.
So at first, I tried to just distance myself which worked for about one day until I remembered that I lived with Mole and it would be impossible to avoid him for more than an hour at a time. Then I just tried to think about how Mole was straight. “Just think about all of those stories that Mole would tell you about his girlfriends, like Jessica or Rebecca,” I told myself. That didn't work at all because I would think about Mole being straight to Mole and then to How beautiful Mole was. This was never going to work. In a last-ditch effort, I just tried to distract myself. More lunches with Mrs. Otter, more trips to Badger's house, and more trips down to the riverbank by myself.
Nothing worked.
I couldn't get him out of my head.
Then it all changed, the first sign. Me and Moley were having our normal lunch picnic perusal. This particular day Moley had been a little more cuddly than usual. But nothing out of the ordinary for him till he told me he was cold and then with no given warning he decided to plop down onto my lap and get all snuggled up. Thank the lord Moley couldn't see my face because it was redder than a tomato.
“You know if I could cuddle you for the rest of eternity I would.”
If I wasn't blushing before, I certainly was now. I was frozen. I didn't know what to do. Do I move, or do I stay still? I didn't trust my voice in the slightest bit, so I just responded by resting my head on his.
Just when I thought “Maybe I wasn't so crazy for thinking Moley liked me back.” The second sign came. Toad was throwing a gala and he decided that unlike his normal parties, he had to make this one bigger and better and what's bigger and better than the fact that to go you needed someone to go with. So naturally I thought I would just ask Moley to go with me, and I decided that maybe I could make it a little romantic so I decided to ask him to the gala during one of our picnic lunches. I decided to sneak a little card under his plate that said “, Will you go to the gala with me?”
At first, I thought he just didn't see it entirely. But later on during the picnic, he told me “, Hey look I saw your card and I kinda already agreed to go with Toad. He asked me the other day when he invited me to play golf with him.”
I couldn't look at him. He was going to the gala with Toad, my ex. He didn't know that Toad was my ex but Toad knew and he was too aware that he was. He had almost let it slip that we dated during one of his many adventures that he would drag us with him. I didn't want to let Mole see how upset I was over this so I just let out a “, Yeah no that's cool.” The picnic ended soon after.
The day of the gala arrived and I told Mole that I wasn't feeling good, I wasn't but not in the way that he was thinking. There I was thinking he liked me back but no he decided he would have a better time with my ex-boyfriend.
I spent the whole night alone crying myself to sleep while holding my pillow for comfort.
In early winter, and late fall there are always a couple of drips and drops that come from the holes in the ceiling due to the watery weather. I always end up forgetting where they are. One of the leaks I had forgotten about is in the guest bedroom, which I was only reminded of when one morning I woke up to find Mole sleeping on the couch due to his bed being soaked from rain water.
At this point, I didn't know where me and Mole stood. After the gala, I had only referred to him as Mole out loud but he still regularly called me Ratty. So I didn't know what my next smartest move would be. Do I just let him sleep on the couch or do I invite him to sleep in his bed with me? After consulting for the day I wanted to just let him sleep off the couch but my fantasies of him saying yes got to me and I decided to just ask him.
He said . . . yes.
I couldn't control my excitement so I just responded with “Cool,” Cool? Who the F*ck says cool. But the first night we shared a bed wasn't bad at all by the time I walked into, our room? My room? (I don't know) and saw that he was already asleep.
It was a colder winter night. I had got up in the night to use the restroom, and when I came back I noticed Moley was shivering so I picked up another blanket and placed it on top of him. I laid back down and got comfortable. Just as I started to drift off to sleep I felt an arm. Mole wrapped his arm around me and snuggled his head right into the crack of my neck. And then I slowly felt him lift his leg and wrap that around me too.
I had never felt more safe and comfortable in my life. I don't think I have ever slept better. Was this the third sign?
The next morning he didn't mention it and neither did I. So I just assumed that it was just something he did in his sleep and wouldn't be able to recall it. That was until we were walking to Mrs. Otters for lunch and he looked back at me and said “, You make a great little spoon.” Unluckily for me, he did see the massive blush that quickly spread across my face causing me to look like a tomato.
The entire night was spent with me being so distracted by what Moley had said to me earlier in the day. I wasn't sure if Moley had noticed but Mrs. Otter sure did.
“Mole, do you think you could take Portica down to the oak tree to look for worms for her to snack on tomorrow, while me and Rat clean up lunch?” Before she even finished he and Portica were out the door.
“Rat you don't have to tell me anything if you don't want to but don't think I haven't noticed that you have been acting weird lately. Always lost in thought, reserved, quiet, I mean what happened to the kind, caring, attentive Mole who is always paying attention? Now you act like if you even so much as look at Mole you're going to explode.
For a minute I thought about staying silent, but if anyone can help me at all I think I could help me with this Problem, Issue? It would be Mrs. Otter. So I took a deep breath and opened up to Mrs. Otter.
“So I have this really good friend and we have been friends for a while now and about a month ago I realized I might like him more than a friend.”
I looked up from washing dishes cautiously expecting a gross and disgusted look, I half expected her to just kick me out right then and there. But instead of a harsh and gross look, she gave me a soft and gentle look. She gave me a soft nod.
*Breath*
“This friend means a lot to me and I don't want to lose him.” Slow soft tears started to fall on my face.
“At first he kind of played into the act of him liking me and so I played into it as well and that is when all things just kind of fell through and he started to act like he didn't like me anymore so I started to once again play things more lowkey but then he just dropped another bomb and I and I'm almost certain he flirted with me today sothatswhythiswholedayihavejustbeensooffinth-” I felt an arm on my shoulder. The only thing she said to me was to breathe, so we both took a breath.
“The main point of that story/statement/idgaf is that he has just been giving me the most mixed signals ever and as of right now I'm just not sure where we stand anymore.”
Mrs.Otter stood silent for a moment.
“Well dear I think you may be more right about him liking you than wrong, I see the way he beames at you whenever you tell a boating story or how he can always tell when you're stressed so he puts his hand on your leg to help you calm down.”
I was stunned, was it that obvious that me and Mole liked each other? I mean I knew me and Mole were good friends but how much longer have people thought that we were more?
“Now I'm not saying that as soon as Mole walks through that door you should just confess all of your feelings for him but I do think you should talk to him about it, the odds are in your favor. But I would talk to him sooner than later because even though you think you're doing a phenomenal job at hiding your stress, Mole had noticed.”
My heart dropped.
“He came down here a couple of days ago and almost talked his head off about how he was so worried about you.”
I just looked at her with shock, but I still looked her in the eyes and nodded. “Thank you, I needed that,” I said as we put the last plate away.
“Anytime dear.”
After about another 10 minutes of just a simple chat with Mrs. Otter Moley burst through the door with Porctia and just started going on and on about how many worms they both ate. After Moley realized he probably ate too many worms, we decided to leave shortly. So after giving a proper goodbye to Mrs. Otter, we headed out.
The walk home was a quiet one. I was too scared to say anything and I think Moley was just too distracted with his stomach to say anything.
Moley had headed to bed fairly early or at least earlier than normal. I was tired too but I couldn't sleep, the past 24 hours were just rushing through my mind. Not even just the past 24 hours, but the past four months I had known Moley were all spinning through my mind at a million miles per hour. I had started to cry, to sob. Slowly but surely I had balled myself into some sort of ball of sadness.
“Ratty look at me.”
I felt myself jump a bit, I looked up and there was Moley who I previously thought was sleeping. I didn't hear him come in, I was probably crying too loud. Oh god, I probably looked like a mess. What if he didn't like me anymore, even as a friend? What if he-
“Look at me Ratty. Take a deep breath, in, out, in, out.”
*Breath*
“I'm sorry, was I being too loud? You can go back to sleep now, I'm okay.” I couldn't bear to look him in the eyes.
“No, you are not okay. And you haven't been for weeks now. I miss the old Ratty, I miss the Ratty who was up for adventure, and who was always kind and loving. Not the Ratty who is always shy and quiet and seemed almost scared of me. Now you don't have to talk if you don't want to but please Ratty, I'm just trying to understand.” At this point, he was also crying, not as hard as I was earlier but still crying.
I looked Moley in the eyes for the first time in a long time.
*Breath*
“Moley, I have been keeping something from you for too long. It wouldn't be fair if I kept it from you any longer. About a month ago, maybe two. I realized that I like you, more than a friend and I understand if you don't feel the same that's okay,youknowhathowsbout youjustpackupyourstuffrightnow-”
I felt two arms around me and I melted into the embrace.
We stayed there for a minute. I felt as my breathing became more calm and steady and my heartbeat became more regulated.
“Ratty I'm so happy this is all what this is was about. You made me so worried.” I felt him let out a small chuckle.
“Of course, I like you in that way. I'm so sorry that you felt I had not clarified it enough.”
I just stared at him in shock. I could feel myself start to tear up again but this time less out of nerves and exhaustion and this time more out of love. I started to cry harder but this time Moley didn't stop me he knew I needed this. We later headed to bed where he let me be the little spoon despite me being the larger out of the two of us because he knew I needed the extra comfort.
*Three months later*
Tomorrow is our three-month anniversary. I had never been happier in my life.
Our picnic lunches had become picnic dates, and our sleeping in the same bed became a permanent thing. Looking back on it, it makes me feel silly. Of course, he liked me. I mean I've never heard of quote-on-quote friends who can help people calm down after anxiety attacks. I've never had friends who know exactly where to rub my back at night so that I'll fall asleep in seconds. I love Moley so much and I was gonna show him that every day for the rest of our lives.